The Bugle - Bugle 180 – The truth about lies

Episode Date: January 27, 2012

Lies, damn lies and cricket statistics. Plus, a round up of presidential news, what's driving Canada over the edge, and the battle for Saddam's butt cheek. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. This is a podcast from TheBuglePodcast.com

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugleers, and welcome to Issue! 100 and I-oh, hang on, that one missed. Oh, so do the other two. What's 5 add, 5 add 1? 11, right, I better keep going. Oops, still 11 still 11 13 cover shot 40 24

31 yes 83 less than a hundred to go that's psychologically crucial 84 What I'll try with my eye shut oh 108 What I'll try it with my eye shut. Oh, a hundred and eight. A hundred and seventy-four. A hundred and seventy-nine. Come on, Andy. Nail it. Still a hundred and seventy-nine. Two hundred and thirty-nine. Ah, better start again. I'll sod it. Right, I'll just stick them in manually. 121. Oh, nuts. Go in the head. Welcome to Pugal 180.

I'm Andy Zulsman, live in London, and in New York City, it's the Copernicus of the Cutting, the Wittgenstein of Waspish, the Archermenies of Arch, the man who puts the PAH into X-PAT. It's John, the drill bit of destiny Oliver.

Hello, Andy. Hello, viewers. And to non-Prisish viewers, that has to be the most inexplicable starter of the year. You've ever seen. Basically, there's a poor call, Dartin Britain, where 180's the top score. Any more explanation than that is going to take up the rest of this beautiful time. First and foremost, Bugles. Thank you so much for your contributions to the Bugles so far. You are all now shareholders in the Bugles.

Shares that are financially, morally and emotionally worthless. But your shareholders anyway. And from your support so far, we are guaranteed to be able to keep going for a few months at least. So the bullshit can flow freely for the time being. You've helped us build a high-obtain bullshit pipeline straight into your ears. That came out slightly more disgusting with another light, but the point stands. That's all about pipelines, everything in the world is about pipelines. So yeah, thank you. I would like to add my thanks to that, Bueglos. You're all heroes,

other than those of you who have not yet contributed, in which case you are merely potential heroes. Also, I've got to say, thank you so much for the messages that some of you have added along with your support. I don't think I've ever read such an inspiring, profane, stupid, moving, factually inaccurate, generous,

and downright insulting selection of sentiments in my life. You've not read my book then, John. And finally, I have to say, one of the most uplifting moments of support was that Chris sent me and Andy an email and said, open this email before recording for inspiration. And I opened it up and it was a photo of Hulk Hogan. I thought, oh, that's always welcome. A photo of the Hulkster.

But he's holding up a piece of paper in this photo. Oh, hold on, I thought, there's some writing on it. What does it say on there, I thought? Holy shit, I thought, it says save the bugle. It's like Hulk Hogan himself has delivered a running leg drop to the idea that the bugle will ever die. And you've got to upload that to the Twitter feed, you have to do that. I will do that, we'll do that.

People deserve to see Hulk Hogan holding up a sign of paper of a message he has no comprehension of the content of. Very brave from Hulk Hogan, but I guess he's a brave man. Yeah. I thought he knew the bugle might have been some far-right fascist group. Yeah. So, bugles, if you can find any other ridiculous celebrity to hold up and say the bugle sign, good luck to you. Yeah. And that's not including John Oliver himself. That's it. Star of Stagen's Green. So, this is for the beginning Monday, the 30th of January, 2012, bugle number 180. That means just 363 years since King Charles I picked up his career ending neck injury. And 351 years.

Oh yeah, I think I might be out for a hotel now between 50 and 50 years in eternity with this Fisja record. It's quite a bad one. And 351 years since the man, so instrumental in that head high, axe tackle onking, Charles Oliver Cromwell, was himself executed. Now, history fans, amongst you might think, well, hang on, didn't Oliver Cromwell pop

his stroppy clogs in 1658? Yes, he did, but they dug him up and executed his corpse two and a half years later. Is that true? That is true. I don't know. Must have surely been a deterrent to other corpses. Take that Cromwell, better late than never. Once the monarchy was restored, they dug up Cromwell's body and hung Drew and Cromt at it, then through its dismembered bits into a pit apart from the head,

which was then displayed on a pole in London for the next 24 years. Oh, that's nice. Oh, I guess the subtext of that was Cromwell. We are really, really cross with you. And last year, to commemorate the 350th anniversary of Cromwell's corpse execution, the celebrity chef, Heston Blumenthal, and now he would be serving chicken Cromwell at his flagship restaurant of Fat Duck, the dish which has been ordered 27 years in advance, and also the chicken being slaughtered, interred for three years, dug up slaughtered again, humainly of course, then butchered before the jointed carcass is marinated in a pit for

24 years, and the severed chicken head left on a cabab stick by their bins outside the back of the restaurant. The dish is served with a miserable blood of joystaffed carrots, an obi-jean dour, flage-related in its own convictions, water walnuts, which, incidentally, was John's nickname at school, all Dauers in a rep-bubbley kbubu, you are garnished with sparse scrapings of seafood austerity, with an orange on top. And that's always a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin this week,

a finance section, including features on hedge funds for the criminally insane, pension or crime spree in your early 60s. We tell you how to ensure a secure and stable old age and I was so poor I burgled myself and now I'm an emotional wreck and in jail how one man's battle with the critic crunch let him to take desperate action that in the bin Top story this week great British British bullshittery! Andy, a couple of studies came out this week, which seemed to claim that Britain is becoming a nation of liars. But having said that, the studies did come out of Britain, which apparently is full of

liars, which could mean that they're status of bullshit, but hold on, if they are, does that not strengthen their case even more? I'm already confused. But there might be something to this Andy, let's look at the facts. You Andy are almost a human case study in life. I think about 60% of what comes out of your mouth in any bugle has absolutely no DNA relationship

to fact whatsoever. That simply isn't true. You are there, you go. Both, another proof, piece of proof. You are a black belt in fact fool Andy. You kick facts in the face and karate chop accuracy in the throttles. You're able to not just bend the truth, but to cut the truth into pieces, melt it down and turn it into a shiny pair of golden bollocks.

Can I put that on my poster Nick? That's a pull quote for you. What happened was a research study from Essex University, claiming that British people are becoming less honest and that the entire nation might be headed for an integrity crisis. An integrity crisis, Andy. Do we historically have any integrity left to have a crisis over? Do we not tap out our integrity well around the time that we started the slave trade? Is it possible to have any integrity to lose after that? Or did it just did that well just naturally fill up again after we heroically stop the slavery that we'd started? I don't know how it works. Yeah, apparently, lying, adultery, drug

taking, breaking the speed limits, drink driving and handling stolen goods are all now seen as more acceptable than they were just 10 years ago. Which I don't know what that says about about modern Britain. And I guess we can do a kind of controlled experiment because John knew of, of course, a former British person, who've now been in America for five years, whereas I've stayed here as a dishonest Brit. And am I right in saying that you've actually handled far fewer stolen goods since you moved to America than you used to when you were here. Well, I think that's factually true, Andy. British people have always been more than happy to receive stolen goods.

At the start of not just this century, but at the last century too, at the contents of the British Museum contested by. That's right. We've had a serious problem with lying ever since the 7th Earl of Elgin walked around the Acropolis, saw the path then marbles and said, uh, they're mine. They're definitely mine. I'm taking them home now, back to my home, where they used to be, before you Greek stole them from me. Well, if you manage to do that with that certain British swagger, you can get away with it. Yes, true. Get away with it. And I think I was just just, I always thought, I can't if I said this on the bugle or not, but I definitely think those summer riots, last summer were misinterpreted.

People looting those things, it was, give it a couple of months, there will be a Croiden Museum of Electrical Goods, this patriotic learnt behaviour. Yeah, the problem is that the people at the top have not really been setting a particularly strong example for us, the British underlings, There's been all kinds of scandals, the parliamentary expenses, scandal, the media scandal, mentioning no former host of the bugle as being involved. Prime Minister who appointed us as press secretary, the former editor of the news of the world, the no-time winner of Britain's most scrupulously honest newspaper award, government telling us lies in campaign adverts, ludicrous irresponsibleness in the financial sector.

It's hardly surprising, John, that the people are kind of picking up this lack of integrity, baton, and smashing themselves in the face with it. And when it comes down to a question of, is it dishonesty or stupidity, in, for example, the financial markets? Personally, I would prefer dishonest, because as the bankers bonuses Sarger shows,

if you're dishonest, then you can be bribed to be more honest. Whereas if you're stupid, you're just stupid. That's God, that is a chillingly good point, Andy. Corruption risk taking, kind of ludicrous equisitiveness that drive our democratic economy off. They are curable diseases, Andy. Corruption, risk-taking, kind of ludicrous, acquisitiveness that drive our democratic economy, well, they are curable diseases, curable with money, which is best earned

by corruption, risk-taking, and acquisitiveness. I think that's basically the last hope for Afghanistan that we're going to be able to bribe them back into becoming a functional country. But anyway, is it any wonder that we are a nation of lawyers? Our national anthem is based around a musically-turjied fib. God save the Queen. God's never saved the Queen, Andy, or any of her ancestors, that's why she's queen now. In fact, technically, God has systematically

wiped out her entire extended family, and she's very much next on his kill-bill list. If the Queen wants to keep her signature entrance music, Andy, she should have to prove it, set an honest detone for the rest of the nation. Full transparency. She should climb to the top of Nelson's column, set up a pit of hungry lion to the bottom, and throw herself off it. If she lands softly on her feet, climbs onto a lion, and rides it back to the palace, I will sing her a ditty at the top of my voice every day for the rest of my life. John, the way I her a ditty at the top of my voice every day for the rest of my life. John, the way I see the financial crisis, the political expenditure scandal to me, you're

wrongdoing, things like that. I would say as Aristotle himself once said, it is better to be hit on the head with a frying pan by a man who is being paid ludicrous amounts of money to hit you on the head with a frying pan, then by a man who thinks hitting you on the head with a frying pan is the right thing to do because he either thinks that's the best way to get a mosquito off your face or because he thinks you're a tennis ball. God. Aristotle, what a mind, David. What a mind.

As true now as it was then, by which I mean not true. So how did this study work? Well, researchers asked a sample of the population, whether they thought of deeds ranging from exceeding the speed limit or failing to report minor damage to a parked car to knowingly buying stolen goods and other categories included avoiding pay for public transport, keeping money found in the street and throwing litter. They were asked to rate their approval on a four point scale with one as never justified to four as always justified.

Integrity levels were slightly higher among women than men, but most significant variation was by age, with noticeably higher tolerance of dishonesty among the young. And the reports author said, it appears Britain's are growing more and more tolerant of low-level dishonesty and less inclined to sanction activities which would have been heavily frowned upon in the past. That's great news, Ampie. In the cutthroat world of capitalism, we cannot afford to have our young people possessing any integrity, morals, compassion or honestly whatsoever. It's just going to hold them back.

If we can remove all of those either surgically or just by crushing that spirit out of them through human experience, we might yet have the thriving economy we somehow feel entitled to. Vote for John. Vote for John. Vote for John. Well, at least, you'd assume that was true, but the report also said, empirical research suggests that societies in which trust and integrity are strong perform much better on a range of economic and political indicators than societies where they're weak. Come on now. If you go to any board meeting at any major investment

bank or hedge fund, it would be hard to make that argument. You would not be looking at a mahogany table around which there were paragons of virtue. That's pretty this way. I would bet that if you checked, everyone sitting in that room had at least a day pass to the asshole convention. LAUGHTER Well, this has been quite an issue this week, John, with the bonus for the boss of the RBS bank,

which is 83% owned by the taxpayer and its boss, Stephen Hester has been given a bonus worth around 960,000 pounds. And this comes after politicians have been calling for responsibility and the Bank of England boss, Mervin King, called for moderation and appears that top-level banking bosses have responded to these calls by essentially hiring the red arrows to fly over Britain and leave vapor trails reading, suck my balls. I'm not saying Stephen Hester has done that himself, but he might as well have done. People are understanding a little bit of NARX, thinking that £900,000 might, for example, be more profitably spent on other things, such as not making hundreds of thousand people

redundant. The government has confirmed that Mr Hester will receive his 2.2 million salary plus bonus, but given that he is 83% state owned as a man now he will be deployed as a peacekeeping force in Afghanistan. The government stated that economically he's worth more than 100 soldiers to us, so he might as well get our f**king monies worth out of him. The concern is John, that if Hester was not paid this massive amount of money, he might just FRO to another bank or another big job overseas. So what we are basically paying John, given that the RBS share price went down and has

to seem to miss quite a lot of the targets he means that what we're basically paying is for the privilege of not having someone a bit shitter in charge of RBS. It's basically protection money to keep someone who will only f**king things up so much. The problem is that no matter how well deserved this bonus may or may not be, within the quirky frame of reference of top level banking, it just looks bad from a tax payer's point of view when so many people being laid off. And if saving money to the public purse was the sole criterion for paying public servants, then Harold Shipman would have been on about £1.8 million a year as savor on all those pensions bills. I'm not saying that's what he should have been on, John. I'm just saying that if I worked in the financial sector, I

would have been saying that's what he should have been on. Well, when he was asked the author of the report, why young people are becoming more dishonest, he said, well, we think it's because their role models are not very good. Footballers who cheat on their wives, journalists who hack people's phones. Now, I get the point he's trying to make, Andy, but what young person has a tabloid journalist as a role model? If any kid does, they have much bigger problems to deal with there. If you walk into your child's bedroom and they have a poster on their wall of an overcaffeinated

45-year-old man with a notepad ripping through the bins outside of my less celebrities' house, then you need to very quickly try and get them into Marilyn Manson or hooked on drugs, or something bit healthier than that. There does seem to have been a decay in year 2070% of people in this study said that an extramarital affair was never justified. That's now fallen to just 50% in the more recent study. 50%. That is not a wedding vow Andy. That's wedding vow-ish. At least, at least make it clear during the ceremony, have the priests say,

do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife for saking all others? And have the groom say, yes, I know. I tell you what darling, let's flip a coin to this side. Heddle Tails. Tails? OK, here we go. Oh, shit, it's Tails. Bess of three.

LAUGHTER It's a little insight into John's wedding back in the day. LAUGHTER MUSIC President's talking news now, and the President's love to talk, almost as much as they love to answer the phone in the over-loss by saying, Paolo's Peter Paolo, how can I help you? It's just a bit of harmless fun until it's the president of China on the line complaining about where he's large pepperoni pizza that he ordered 45 minutes ago is.

Except then, he's somehow getting even funnier. The point is, this this week President Obama delivered his third state of the Union address. Now, stay the Union Knight used to be a relatively simple affair and you had your main course, the speech itself, followed by a rebuttal dessert from the opposition. A simple meal that the media could digest overnight and then comfortably dump out by morning. But no more. Now the evening has become a procession of multiple official rebuttals after the speech, along with anyone who has access to YouTube account

releasing their own rebuttal, usually in the form of remixes, also tuning puppets or kittens. The Tea Party Express have their own rebuttal tradition now, started last year when Michelle Bachman stared an eerie three inches away from the camera and made America feel like she was addressing a country just over its shoulder. last year when Michelle Bachman stared an eerie three inches away from the camera and made America feel like she was addressing a country just over its shoulder. She was like

the opposites of the Mona Lisa, wherever you were in the room, it was like she was not looking at you. This year it was Hermann Cain, the Peter C. E. O. and strong contender for the most ridiculous presidential candidate of all time. He was the star speaker. And look, the Hermannator knows his audience, Andy. And when he's in front of a Tea Party crowd, he's gonna give that Tea Party crowd something for them to hold their lighters up in the air over. And so he'd come with a bag of historical catnip

which led to one amazing moment when he said, you know, it was 70-73 when the colonies got fed up of old King George and the Brits. Two years later, we had the start of the American Revolution. Eight years later we won. We can do it again. I thought, holy shit. Is he suggesting that America fight another war against the British?

Is this his thinking out of the box plan? So I did what I had to do, Andy. I pulled a red coat. I pulled my musket out from underneath a bed where I've hide it and I took to the streets. I handled our business. Yeah. You're a hero, John. That would be easier in the post.

A parma called for higher taxes for the wealthy, which I guess in context is a bit like asking Henry VIII to have one fewer wife. I mean, he'd still have loads of wives. Maybe suggesting politely that Donald Rumselk gives away just a he'd still have loads of wives. Maybe suggesting politely that Donald Rumselk gives away just a couple of those golden statues of himself, he'd still have 68 golden statues of himself. And it gave the Republicans the opportunity to take a break from slacking themselves off, to slag a bomber off instead before returning to slacking themselves off and complaining about being attacked by themselves whilst attacking

themselves for attacking themselves Long live democracy. It's absolutely awesome when it's on form The speech itself was a fiery defense of the last few years in power combined with an attack on the inactivity of Congress and a call for a fair attack system Perhaps strangely a President Obama opened the speech by saying, for the first time in two decades, a summer bin Laden is not a threat to this country, to the cheers of everyone in Congress. And I thought for a moment that that might be it, he might just say, for the first time in two decades,

a summer bin Laden is not a threat to this country. Before dropping the mic, or in this case, picking up the podium and then dropping that podium, saying, that's it from me, see you next year. I mean that that probably should have been it and yes the economy's a mess. Yes America is still involved in a quagmire of a war but he did kill Ben Laden over the last 12 months and if he'd done it closer to the state of the Union perhaps that would have been all he had to say fellow Americans are hands up who killed Ben Laden. Just me, a f***ing thought so.

Obama out, as fireworks came flying out of the podium and deaf leopard were lowered from the ceiling singing, POTO MSHUGA ON ME! That's about 15 shows you've sung in an erode, you know, what a streak. An interesting side note to the state of the union is that one member of the government in power traditionally always has to stay back in the White House just in case anything happens in the 90 minutes or so that it takes to deliver the speech.

And it's got to be quite a nervous time for them, all I suppose quite an exciting one. And this year the responsibility fell to Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack. And I think it's worth checking the Oval Office security types because there's absolutely no way that Tom Vilsack was not walking around the Oval Office in his pants pretending to be President the whole time. Vilsack ran for President in 2008. There is simply no way that he didn't put his feet up on the desk in the Oval Office, close his eyes, and talk into an imaginary camera saying, people of America, it is I, President Vilsack, the greatest president in the history of this country. Your words not mine. I'd never say that about myself, but I guess that's one of the many things

that you love about me, President Vilsack. I was talking to my wife, the first lady, Charlie's Theronville Sack yesterday, and she said that I was the most handsome president in the history of the world, with the biggest muscles and the coolest hair. Anyway, that's all I wanted to say. Please get back to enjoy your movie, Indiana Jones and the torpedo of pain. Starring myself, Tomville sack. God bless you, and God bless the United States of America. What? What? What? What? I'm taking my feet off the desk.

Okay, I'll leave. Please, I'll tell the president I was in here. In other president speaking news, some tapes of John F. Kennedy's last few days in office have been released. He apparently recorded around 248 hours of stuff secretly in the over Office. And he must have been paler preparing an absolutely hilarious mash-up from that lot, John. He must have been put into something that made Lyndon Johnson sound like he was saying I'm sexually aroused by libraries. Also, a clued footage of half an hour of hoovering apparently. It's not specified if that included John F. Kennedy singing I once a break free whilst doing so

contains no audio footage that irrevocably proves that Marilyn Monroe was a Soviet agent nor does it explicitly rule it out and it also includes an hour of JFK and Lynn and Johnson dicking around on the Oval Office swivel ship seeing how dizzy they could make each other and On one occasion during the Q-Wall missile crisis, involving LBJ-goating JFK to spin himself around 30 times, then straightaway called Nikita Khrushchev. Fortunately, Khrushchev did not answer the phone,

as he and the rest of the Politburo were involved in an unusually competitive game of Twister at the time. I just want to be clear to Pugles, that Andy used the term hoovering there. That's a British colloquialism. He means vacuuming, not what hoovering means here, which is picking up Jayegah Hoover by the ankles

and having him eat the dust on your carpet. Ha ha ha. Sorry, little. But just bridging across the Atlantic. Would Jayegah Hoover do that, if you ask? He'd do whatever he would. It would if he felt it made America a safer place, and if he's overbearing mother told him to.

The latest tapes feature JFK getting frustrated during a briefing about Vietnam that offered two different accounts of what was happening. At one point Kennedy said to the people briefing him, you both went to the same country, right? I mean, how is it that you get such a different... This is not a new thing. This is what we've been dealing with for three weeks. On the one hand, you get the military saying the war's going better, on the other hand, you get the political opinion,

the with its deterioration of affecting the military. What is the reason for this difference? I would like an explanation as to what the reason for this difference is. And there's been a lot of reporting about how tested he sounded, but how else was he supposed to sound, Andy? They were telling him about Vihet Nam and it was a total f*** disaster. I think he's entitled to get a bit snippy about it, seeing as he was the president and he was overseeing a war that would later become the touchstone for Quagmire's.

What is amazing is that these recorded conversations were made at all. They were made deliberately when he was president, often captured in the over-office or the cabinet rooms and kept completely secret. And that will never happen again, Andy. No president will ever want to leave that kind of evidence behind. I guess the concern now is going to be their email records in the future. So in the future, we'll be waiting to hear about the latest batch of Obama emails being released, showing arguments over Afghanistan responding ROTFL after hearing about a Rick Perry speech and forwarding a YouTube video of a panda sneezing to his economic

advisors. In would be future presidents talking news, Newt Gingrich has proposed to colonize the moon. Yes! What are you doing? Gingrich 2012! He now has the bugles full and unconditional supports because I mean not only would it clearly boost the economy and Florida, which I believe is what it said, was the main idea behind it to boost the Florida economy. I think he might even have been in Florida when he said that. That's the incredible coincidence. I mean, it is the first refuge of the politician running short of ideas, you know, moon colony.

You just get you every time. The world facing economic, ecological, social problems, moon colony. I spend billions of dollars establishing a colony and perhaps the most useless place in a 25 million mile radius of where he was standing at the time. Moon colony, John, that is the way forward for America. Mitt Romney responded by saying that if a business subordinates had brought the Moon Colony idea to him, he would fire him.

Although in the evidence of Romney's career shutting down companies and putting people out of work, A, he'd probably have fired him anyway, and B, he'd have f**king enjoyed it. BEEP BEEP BEEP Fictional presidents talking news now,

and at the Australian politician Antony Albanez was caught plagiarizing speech lines from the 1995 Michael Douglas film The American President. Now, you might think, I'm sure it wasn't that close, I'm sure, it was just a coincidence. You'd be wrong about that, listen to this. In Australia, we have serious challenges to solve and we need serious people to solve them. We have serious problems to solve and we need serious people to solve them. Unfortunately, Tony Abbott is not the least bit interested in fixing anything. Bob Rumsen is not the least bit

interested in solving it. He's only interested in two things, making Australia to fright of it and telling them who's to blame for it. He is interested in two things and two things only making you afraid of it and telling you who's to blame for it. That is not good, that is not good. Now it's a chicken and egg situation isn't it, which came first to film all the Australian politician? That's a fair point. I mean, you can't answer that other than by looking at the historical timeline. It's not in the clip, but Anthony Albany's later went on in the speech to talk about how much he wanted to bang a net bending. So I don't know how he thought he'd get away with that part.

He's like the first Australian politician to say that. When he was called out over this, after the video hit the internet he tweeted, Dole does instantly plagiarising Homer Simpson as well. Does this man not have an original thought in his head Andy? Because if so, that's fine. There are plenty of other fictional presidents he could quote. He could quote the president from Independence Day and scream about how he was going to go climb into a plane and kill some aliens. I think that might play well with the Australian voters.

Or he could go the other way and just play to rise other Michael Douglas movies instead. So next time the journalist asks him a question, he could quote Michael Douglas in the wonder boys and say, trust me James, when the family's pet been assassinated, the owner doesn't want to hear one of her students was the trigger man. Then say no more questions and leave.

I guarantee that we so confused they won't know what's hit them. Or if an opponent criticizes him, he can quote Michael Douglas in falling down and say, we are not the same. I'm an American and you're a sick asshole. At this point voters, sure, might start getting a bit suspicious and so when he's next up for election, he should end his final election night stumps speech by quoting Michael Douglas in basic instinct and say, number one, I don't remember how many times I used to jerk off, but it was a lot.

Number two, I wasn't pissed off at my dad, even when I was old enough to know what he and my mom were doing in the bedroom. Number three, I don't look in the toilet before I flush it. Number four, I haven't wet my bed for a long time. Number five, what if the two of you go f**k yourselves? I'm outta here. Now, I don't care if you agree with him, Andy.

You are gonna vote for that man. If only to see what comes out of his mouth next. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Other news now and Canada. And Canada's defence ministry was criticised for ordering 20,000 orange stress balls. It's not entirely clear what the criticism was based on, whether it was the cost or what the f*** Canada has to be so stressed about. But perhaps that's a smart idea, Andy. Make sure that your defence department is always calm, put to caffeinate the coffee in the machine, use soft lighting, set the temperature in the building to cozy, and make sure that your defence department is always calm, put to caffeinate the coffee in the machine, you soft lighting, set the temperature in the building to cozy and make sure there

are plenty of stress balls. Orange ones, to be specific, apparently the most effective colour of a stress ball, and thus you'll ensure that your defence department never gets you into any unnecessary wars. Well, I guess some in the obvious conclusion to draw from this Canadian Defence Ministry ordering 20,000 orange stress balls is that someone was planning to build a stress ball statue of Wayne Gretzky dressed as an orange. But I didn't know what is going to threaten the Canadian Defence Forces, other than the sense of its own futility. And that's an eye-talking match really kicks off

John the closest they're likely to come to being invaded is if a celebrity polar explorer gets pissed Soil as his compass and ends up riding a polar bear onto bath in Ireland shouting am I getting warmer or colder? But you do wonder how history could have been different I'd certain members of the say bush administration had orange stressful certain members of the say Bush administration had orange stress balls surgically implanted into their hands and mouths. I think we might be living in a happier world by now. Think of what would have happened if Neville Chamberlain had said, I have in my hand a squeezy stress ball. I gave one to her Hitler as well and he loves it too and has promised to calm it the f*** down a bit. I've done some research into this, John, and I think 75% of all wars would have been

stopped by the pre-active application of orange stress balls. Yeah. Including the First World War. Alright, Carter Willhelm, keep your spike on. Squeeze this squidgey bratverse, you'll feel absolutely fine in no time. The 20,000 orange stress balls, air dropped by the Canadian air force over the Middle East, would do more for the situation there than a year of peace talks, or even than Tony Blair and his magic donkey of reconciliation. That is a fact. The worst it will do is the same amount of good. I think the Canadian is a really onto something here. This brilliant plan for world peace is also apparently nothing new in Canada, as according to a newsletter. In October 2010 on International Conflict Resolution Day, soldiers at 8 Wing Trenton in Canada

will encourage us to stop by a kiosk on the base too and I quote, pick up a stress ball and partake of the cake that will commemorate this auspicious day. I've got to tell you Andy, Canadians love maple syrup, they love ice hockey, but they f**king love stress balls. But there is bad news, because when Canadian defence minister Peter McKay found out about the laces order, he cancelled it. With a statement from his spokesman saying, as soon as Minister McKay was made aware of this contract, he instructed officials to immediately cancel this unnecessary expense of taxpayer money.

Are you f***ing crazy? You can't just cut Canadians off from the one thing that's keeping them from being bilingual bloodthirsty killing machines. You have to ween them off, you can't go cold turkey. They're going to be frantically squeezing anything vaguely round or orange in the hope that they can get rid of some stress without having to launch a nuclear missile. And if that object doesn't squeeze Andy, so help us they are going to kill every man, woman, a child in a 5,000 mile radius. We need to air drop stress balls over Canada now and for God's sake make them orange because apparently

that's somehow important. Because, and let me reiterate this to the world, just in case you don't understand how serious this story is. The Canadians love beavers. They love Avril Lavigne, but they f***ing love stress balls. They got to have mercy on ourselves. What, so it's good that they're taking stress? Seriously in the Canadian defence ministry, because there's Franklin Delano Roosevelt himself said, the only thing we have to worry about is worry itself, before being advised to ratchet up the rhetoric to get a bit of media traction.

OK, Franklin, we've heard it back from the focus group. Could you go with fear instead of worry? OK, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and winneth with the man-eating crocodile, and treading on upholstery pins, and bits of meat that might be past their best but look and smell just about okay, and the Mexicans and their heavy food. Can you? And the unexpectedly rapid rise of the Nazi party in Germany, and spiders, and you miss, and the misses when you've left your socks on the floor, the fellas know what I'm talking about. And Ellen is roast chicken, she could over cook

a volcano. Sorry, I'm going off topic. The point is... You want to go off topic, you're going off accent now. I don't have your level of dramatic training, John. I just waited so long to hear you say that. For 20 seconds, I thought Stantania was back. Feature section now and auctions. And you might recall that a Queen Victoria's underpants were auctioned off last year and at that point I fairly confidently thought to myself Andy, well that might be it, that might be the stupidest item that humanity has ever been asked to bid on.

But I was wrong. Saddam Hussein's arse news now! Wow, that sentence was fun to say, Andy. Boy oh boy, those words tasted nice in that order. The buttocks of a statue of Saddam Hussein came up for auction recently and not just any statues buttocks. And the most famous Saddam statue of all, the one that was torn down in Baghdad in 2003 before having an American flag quickly put on its head, before having the American flag even more quickly taken off its head, before having an Iraqi flag put on his head instead instead before having everyone hit the statue with shoes. Yeah, a man has been arrested for trying to sell a bit of one of Saddam Hussein's butt cheeks,

the ass chunk, which is nicely part of Saddam's real ass, but is a fake bronze ass from the toppled statue of the eight-time world shit of the year. I was put up for auction in England, and it came, as you said, from the statue that was famously toppled in 2003 as the Bush regime putting to action their plan to use potent symbolism to overcome catastrophic shortcomings even on-term strategic planning. Sadly, didn't entirely work, but the two-foot tall R section, which looks quite like a random bit of bronze that could have come from anywhere, failed to fetch its reserve price of $375,000, possibly because people thought that the novelty of owning a

big bronze but it might wear off after a few dinner parties. Possibly because it just didn't look enough like sedams are, it could just as easily have been George Bush's arse or but Reynolds's arse or Gulf and Nick Fowl's arse or even from certain angles, one of South African president Jacob Zumer's many many wives, many arses. Or possibly because the law states that all cultural property seized in Iraq must be handed over to the police. And, John, if that law had existed throughout British history, you could fit the entire British museum in a Tupperware lunch box. It was taken by Nigel Eli, a former SIS soldier who happened to be there as a journalist. He used a sledgehammer and a chisel to remove a piece of the statue as a souvenir.

And of course, what piece of the statue do you remove first if you get that opportunity? That's right, the penis. You remove the dam's penis first, but presumably that had already gone in which case, his ass is a good fallback option. That's a solid plan B. You go with the rump rump Andy and as we all know Saddam had back little in the middle but he had much back how do I know this as you mentioned the ass at auction was too far white good luck squeezing that into a massive metal pair of swimming trunks his ass would not quit Andy it literally would not quit his ass was repeatedly asked

to quit, it refused, and it had to be forced from power tried and executed. That's how little it would quit. But maybe this is how all wars are going to be fought in the future. Next time a statue is pulled down in victory, an army of speculative souvenir hunters are going to descend upon it like vultures, and it'll be on e-boy by that afternoon. That was a war fought between Russia and Finland in the 18th century over one of Catherine the Great's Waps, I believe. Nigel Eli said it's been with me all these years but I decided it was time, it did some good. As you mentioned, tragically the dictators derriere did not make its reserve price so it

wasn't sold. The highest bid came from a telephone bidder in New York. Who could that have been, I mean, I'm in New York and I don't want a brag, but I do own a telephone. I also have a place in my apartment where I think Saddam Hussein's gigantic metal ass would look great and that place is anywhere, anywhere in my apartment. The bidder offered £21,000, okay, it wasn't me. It wasn't me, I think that's now numerically clear. Although, if there's a smurf too, Andy,

I'm going in hard on her saying's haunch. And he had, as you say, he had a reserve price of 250,000 pounds. And he wanted to use the money from the sale to give to a charity helping injured ex-servism from the UK and the US. He's the Robin Hood of dictators massive asses, Andy. But where's his inexplicably popular Brian Adams song? The world isn't fair.

Your emails now and thank you for all your emails and comments through Twitter and the websites and this email comes in from Dariosh in Teran. That's right, the Teran in Iran, the remaining prong of the axis of naughty. Hello, Andy John and Chris, brackets in order of likelihood to do to irresponsible use of puns, cause a military confrontation in the streets of Hormuz. I'll take that as a compliment. Darius from Iran here, I've been a listener of the bugle for years now. In fact, I discovered the bugle whilst doing the 18th month obligatory military service when a mate lent me his iPod, and I've been listening ever since.

See, the Iranian military isn't all bad. They are, they are also mostly childish. We're gonna have to make a very difficult decision who to back if it all kicks off, John. Anyway, being a true buger, I naturally wanted to help out in the future survival of the best audio newspaper, but I'm unable to donate to the bugle because of the sanctions, the EU and the USA has imposed on us

PayPal will simply not allow Iranians to use their service or engaging any transactions that go through the Iranian banking system The bugle has officially become a victim of the sanctions Feel the boot of Western sanctions on your throat fail it You're truly Darius oh other sanctions, feel the boot of Western sanctions on your throat. Fail it! He ought to be truly daring. Oh, daring. That is absolutely magnificent. But I'll tell you what, at the end of that email, Andy, it says, PS, keep up the good work, Chris, you're the best. Oh, well, I know. This is that kind of... All of a sudden, it gets very suspicious. Well, this is the kind of mad cap rhetoric we've come to expect from Iran. I think he was being ironic.

Oh, well, thank you so much, Darius, for listening. And, in response to various queries about the contributions to the podcast, people wanting to set up recurring contributions, that will be available in a couple of weeks' time, as will an alternative to PayPal. But thanks to those of you who have already helped save the bugle. Many, many thanks. So do keep your emails coming into info at thebugelpodcast.com, follow the Twitter feed at HelloBugle, and of course the website, thebugelpodcast.com, follow the Twitter feed at HelloBugle, and of course, the website, theBuglePodcast.com

and also our SoundCloud page, which is SoundCloud slash TheBugle. Is that correct, Chris? That sounded like a guess the way you said it, Andy. It might be none of this for a minute. It was both a guess and wrong. It's the hyphen bugle. The hyphen bugle. But do check the sand cloud page. So I'll do that again.

No, Andy, just start. This is great. It feels much more real. John, I don't have your experience in professional broadcaster. I'd love to hear you do a Pepsi commercial, Andy. Drinking Pepsi. Do you have a drunk it?

I think maybe it was Coke. I don't know. They taste the same, don't they? Or don't they? One's a bit more watery. Is it the Pepsi one? Anyways, drink Pepsi, it's the choice of a new generation. Or that's the old one. What is it now?

Oh, it's a little sugary. Anyway, I probably shouldn't say that. Mmm, delicious. I feel like I need to burp. Pepsi. Well, that's it for this week, Bueglers. Do keep supporting the show, support the show page on the website and we will be back next week with Buegl issue 181.

Goodbye. Bye! you