The Bugle - Bugle 181 – A Knight’s Fail

Episode Date: February 3, 2012

Syria slips further, Mitt the Mighty, and Sir Fred is dead. Well, not dead, just Fred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello, Bugleos and welcome to issue 100 and 81 of the Bugle audio newspaper for a visual world now independent but still basically the same, like Egypt after Mubarak in a way. With me and his ultraman in the Olympic City of London, we've heard a lot about these Olympics. Now I wanna see some action, it's just all talk at the moment. And in the city that never sleeps very well, New York, it's Jackie Joke time himself. John Oliver.

Hello Andy, hello, buglers. Andy, human beings come in all shapes and sizes. Testify. There is no one way that a person should look. I think everyone with half a brain would agree to that. However, that said, I met Brad Pitt on Wednesday, I think. And I'm just not so sure about that anymore. I do think that as a species, we might want to consider,

at some point, later in his life, putting Brad Pitt out to stud. Now, once he's done, whatever he wants to do with his acting career, and it doesn't even have to be sexual, Andy, we can just put him on a farm somewhere with large open spaces so he can run around. And each day we should try to extract as much sperm from him as possible. Basically, milk Brad Pitt on an hourly basis and try to build up, you know, I don't want to say super-right sound because that sounds bad. But you know what I mean.

I'm just saying, I don't think there is a gene pool in the world that would not benefit from having a liberal, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be a rapper, I'm not going to be Two of the dogs just automatically followed him. It's like even the animal kingdom respects that level of handsome. Well, I realise I technically have someone who feeds and sheltered me, but I feel like I have to go live with that guy now. Are you sure that's because of what he looked like rather than the fact that he smelled like a rotting bone? Well, he absolutely did not smell like that.

And I'll tell you what, he's like sweet salt handy. Like a light sea breeze washing over you. You don't feel wet, you just feel refreshed and revitalized. He shook my hand and once he left, and I'm not ashamed to say this handy, I wiped my hand all over my face. It had to be worth a go.

There is a possibility that his hands on this is so strong, it's contagious through contact. Did you go in for a little peck on the cheek? I did, but he leaned back. British tradition. Yeah, you can't say no to that. Well, maybe this is where, you know, when you do set, you are starting to sound,

you know, dangerously right wing with this talk. Brad Pitt based Eugenics. Well, maybe this is where, I don't know, the Hitler went where Hitler went wrong. I've only used celebrities. Right. When I think that would probably win the modern vote. I think that could be depressingly true. So this is for the week beginning Monday, the 6th of February 2012, it's an historic debut. It's not only because it marks the beginning on Monday of

my six-night run at London Soho Theatre, it's still available, especially on Wednesday, but also because 234 years, Monday just after that, 930 start, probably be done by 1045 if you're worried about getting the trade. Anyway, 234 years ago, to the minute John, France and America signed not one, but two treaties together, providing America with crucial support during the war of flancing off an anti-stinkly American off, or as it's known in America, the war of independence. Crucial French supports from France,

and from French people speaking French words. So, Newt Gingrich, just remember next time you put out an attack advert slagging off an opponent for being able to speak with a French, remember what France did for America? If it wasn't for France, you'd all still be speaking English properly. And it's also the 65 years to the day since Queen Elizabeth the Q unit. Queen Elizabeth the Hang on was it one, two seconds, became Queen of the world, or at least

Queen of the Importance of the World, When her father, the professional monarch George VI popped his unbelievably royal clogs and the Queen was staying in a tree house at the time, John. Yes, she was on Safari and Kenya, I think. She was staying in a tree house and when she was told that she had become Queen, her response was, I want to stay in my tree house. Sorry mom you can't you need to go home to Buckingham Palace but I like my tree house. Palace, tree house, palace. I'm queen I can do what I want. Technically you're not queen until you've belched in a palace. What a belch, it doesn't matter mom, goes back to William the Conqueror, come down from the tree house, shan't, you're not getting

a crown until you come down. Or I'll come down. Good luck waiting for your knighthood loser. Will he help Philip get down? He's scared of caterpillars. Ha, ha, ha. And Bugle 181, of course, 181 by coincidence, what the Queen said on that very self-same day, 60 years ago,

and asked whether or not she'd had any endangered rhinotruses for lunch. 181, bit leathery TBH. And as always, a section of the Bugle, this great audio newspaper is going straight in the bin. This week, a celebrity DIY section. We tell you how good the celebrities would be at helping you plum in a basin, rewire a broken lamp, or be a shelf.

Turns out, Silvesto Stallone and Annette Benning both come out very well as shelves in our psychosometric tests, Stallone, particularly for kitchen utensils, Benning for toiletries and first aid materials. We tell you why Kerry Grant was known as the human spirit level, how to use Justin Bieber's head to put grout between bathroom tiles, and whether tennis player Monica Sellers or rock star Axel Rose would be better as wallpaper on a feature wall in your living room. Plus, actress and humanitarian Reese Witherspoon, dearfully admits that she is self-road of screwdrivers that whenever something needs repairing with a screwdriver,

she just buys a new house. All that in the bin this week. Top story this week? Siria's story time! Are you shifting uncomfortably? Then I'll begin. Now, you may not have heard much from Syria in the news over the last few weeks, but don't be mistaken.

That's not because there's nothing happening there. It's just that it's too fucking dangerous for journalists to be there at the moment. It's basically the opposite of nothing happening. Everything seems to be happening there as the international community desperately tries to look the other way and turns up some music to try and drown out any of the bangs

coming from Damascus But there may not be enough sand in the world for us to put our heads in for much longer The story so far is this last March when the Arab Spring started Boying around the region excitedly people in Syria started looking around and saying to each other hey This a sad guy that we've been living under for over a decade does anyone else think he might be a bit of a dick than diving for cover as bullets started whizzing past their ears. The UN estimates that more than 5,400 people have been killed since the unrest began with more than 100 this last Monday and 37 more last Tuesday alone. Human

rights groups say that more than 7,000 people have actually been killed, and the UN replied by saying they actually stopped counting in January, explaining it was too difficult to confirm. They might be confusing the word difficult with the word depressing there, Andy, but they'd be right either way. And that is a bad sign.

When the UN stopped counting the number of people being killed in your country. You, at the very least, are going to have a house price problem. That is the best of your many substantial and immediate problems. A lot of problems in terms of the international community's response to the Syrian problem. The fact that Russia does not want to annoy Assad. They don't want to force Assad to do the decent thing and take a bit of a break from treating his own country like an unwanted Christmas jubble. And the reason for this, John, is perhaps slightly in front

by having $4 billion worth of arms contracts on the go with Syria. Now, John, as any good businessman will tell you, when you have a valued customer like that, you have to treat them with respect. If they're having a little bit of trouble, you cut them some slack, whether that trouble is in a personal life, or financial trouble, or having a mass rebellion to deal

with, and 7,000 civilian deaths to explain, the customer is always right, John, particularly when that customer buys 10% of your global arms exports. Yeah, that is basically the Russian's response, the customer is always right, and with the rate of which Syria is using weapons against itself it's literally become a boom industry for the Ruskies. Now you might think well hold on hold on are the Russians not directly in contravention of the arms embargo to Syria to which the Russians would say two things one, shut the f*** up, who asked you to open your f***ing face and two, they would argue as they are that they're simply fulfilling existing contracts,

not signing any new ones. Ciandi, they're just respecting contract full law. They're just protecting their eBay-celerating. They don't want Syria to give them a bag review and mess up their blemishless five-star average. They don't want to read Syria writing online very disappointing service. We had an agreement for $550 million of fighter jets, but in the last minute they refused to deliver them sightings and bullshit about what I might use them for. Not recommended, avoid at all costs. That's why the international community's response to Syria has been as decisive and

dogmatic as a dog response when asked to play snooker. Confused, not fully understanding what it's supposed to be doing, held back by logistical concerns, but prepared to pose for pictures to make it look like it's actually doing something. On Saturday, the Arab League announced that it was suspending its month-old monitoring mission in sides of Syria because it was getting too dangerous. And again, Andy, that's not good. When an organization whose only job is to monitor violence flees the country because it got too violent, you may want to consider calling it the fuck down a bit.

The UN, thankfully, as you mentioned, has stepped up with its normal speed and has left straight into action a mere 10 months after the trouble started and has decided to act decisively by talking about what they might do hypothetically if they're talking proof successful. So don't worry Syria, help is on its way because when the UN starts talking they can get

things done at the speed of light, the speed of very slow painfully dim light. The Russian ambassador described the United Nations negotiations as a rollercoaster. In other words, it ended up exactly where it started after lots of high-pitched shouting at the end of which everyone felt a bit sick. The sticking point was whether the council should fully support the Arab plan to basically encourage Assad to step aside or whether they should simply note it. And Western states wanted to fully support it, Russia wanted to just note it. So good one, Russia.

Noting stuff has a f***ing illustrious history of stopping mass violence as Churchill would testify. We will note them on the beaches, We will note them in the hills. We will note them on the no pads, sooner, no boards. And we will never, ever stop noting stuff. We may start doodling if we, if our mind gets disconnected a bit. Yeah, the Security Council has been negotiating

a resolution all week and has been unable to come to an agreement. The wording of the statement has already been heavily watered down in an attempt to overcome these Russian objections. So, Russia does not like the resolution's proposed threat of, and I quote, further measures, if Syria does not comply with demands. I guess further measures just wasn't vague enough for the Russian family, though somehow wanted even less semantic specifics. Maybe they need to come up with a brand new word in the English language that is completely devoid

of any meaning whatsoever. The Russian UN envoy said, we hope that the council will come to consensus on the Syria issue, as it is not only possible, but also necessary. Except the problem was that China then objected to that statement saying that possible and necessary were far too strong to use as words, and that plausible and nice would be better. A consensus would

be plausible and nice. Something watered down so much that at that point you're literally just drinking water. In fact, the new proposed text that still has no agreement drops any explicit calls for President Assad to yield powers whatsoever. In fact, the wording that they've agreed on so far is this. People of Syria, we want to help you, but we can't, except we can, but we won't, but we'd like to, but not really. We just need to reach an agreement, which we will, except we won't, because we can't, except we could, but we don't want to, except part of us does. It's complicated, apart from the fact that it isn't. But don't worry, except do, because things are terrible,

except they'll be fine, apart from the fact that they won't be. But it's okay, because it's not too bad, except it is. The previous wording of the proposed resolution supported a transition to, and I quote, a democracy, a plural political system in which citizens are equal regardless of their affiliations or ethnicities or beliefs. And amongst the co-sponsors of this proposed resolution were Saudi Arabia, where the word citizen means not a woman.

And where citizens are equal provided that their affiliations not include being affiliated to ovaries, that ethnicity is not involved coming from Ladyland, and their beliefs are not involved for leaving that it is perfectly acceptable to have two ex-chromosomes. So that's the wonderful world of international politics. The British ambassador to the United Nations said, it is glaringly obvious that transferring weapons into a volatile and violent situation is irresponsible and will only fuel the bloodshed before turning to his research assistant and saying, now you absolutely sure that we, Britain, have never done anything like that.

Never? Good because the last thing I want to be called is a hypocrite. Hang on, what are those people shouting at me? Do I have a chucking hypocrite? Well, I've got a big catapult. Will that do? LAUGHTER MUSIC US presidential campaign update now,

and the Florida primary took place on Tuesday, and although Florida has a history of awkwardly close elections, there was absolutely no doubt about the win at this time. It was the storm and Mormon, Andy. Willard, Mitt, Romney. The race had been close up to a week ago, but the only real debate afterwards was about how you would describe with the crushing victory that he delivered. I heard the result very slowly refer to on TV as a thumping, a roasting, a dresden bombing. That was a direct quote. and CNN alone used the word shellacking five times.

And they were right to wear out their Thessaurous' handi, because it was a thrashing, a pasting, a pounding, a spanking, a flogging. It was basically a dominatrix's entire service menu. What I'm saying is, Mitt Romney dripped hot wax on to Newt Gingrich's balls. In fact, Andy, words alone do not get across the scale of this defeat, images might demonstrate it better. You may have seen the very popular YouTube video of a little girl at a zoo waving at a lion as the lion mulled the glass in front of her. Well imagine if that glass wasn't there. That little girl is Newt Gingrich's

campaign. Newt Gingrich's campaign is now a dead little girl inside a lion. Does that help? What I'm trying to say is, Mitt Romney won Florida by 15 points. LAUGHTER And he seems to have cut loose as a result. The start was saying some pretty exciting things, including, I'm not concerned about the very poor. Yes.

It's a wonderful thing for a politician, so I guess, you know, from his point of view, they don't vote much, they don't pay much, and he's not allowed to shoot them anymore, so I understand this. Just not that fussed about them. They don't really impinge on his personal space. The result in... They're just looking in, John. Look at his hair. He's a man who dreams about hunting and shooting poor people. You cannot have hair like that and not have dreams like that. The result in Florida was not really the shock. It was the tone. 92% of the ad in Florida were negative. 0.1% of the ads were run by Romney in the last week were positive. $16 million was spent in that state

alone on ads and one particularly nasty ad ran more than 1700 times. Holy shit Andy, isn't even safe for human beings to be exposed to that level of toxic campaigning. Shouldn't all Florida voters have been provided with hazmat suits? They should have been sitting at home watching the TV, looking like those men that turned up to take ET away. It's extraordinary, I'm Romney spent, it was at $6 million on,

and bought 13,000 ads targeting Gingrich. Isn't democracy fun, John? I think it's what the ancient Greeks had in mind when they kicked it all off. It's just shows that politics has moved on now. It's not about who you know anymore. It's about who you're prepared to call a **** and how expensively. The journalist question mark Neil Cavuto said, said, the blood is so bad between Newt King Richard Mitt Romney, it will take five truckloads of flowers and then five truckloads of money to get them to even look at each other.

And that's all very well, Andy. But what would it take for them to get them to make out with each other? Six truckloads of flowers, nine truckloads of money, three bottles of wine and a Fiona Apple CD. I can and will make all three of those things happen, Andy. And if you do keep voluntarily subscribing to TheBugle on the Bugle webpage, theBuglePodcast.com, we will fund those nine truckloads of money, six truckloads of flowers. I believe Gingrich already has the Fiona Apple CD.

So never mind for Candidate and Sandy, let's just spare a thought. All of us together now for the people that really suffered during that campaign, the people of Florida. It's hard to have sympathy for them, but let's try. They've been seen over the last couple of days, sitting naked, shivering at the bottom of a shower, scrubbing and scrubbing at themselves, and unable to get clean. Now, the upshot is that it looks like Mitt Romney is going to be the Republican nominee that no one including the Republican seems to want. But no one told that to Gingrich himself, whose speech after the results was an hour or an hour and an hour, an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or or or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an hour or an of executive orders, I can issue that Congress can't stop as long as they're within the law. The very first executive order will abolish all the White House's arses as of that moment.

We will issue immediately an executive order on the same day. All of this is going to happen about two hours after the inaugural address, okay? No point in hanging out and having fun. Before we get to the various bulls that night, we're going to have a work period. This is going to be a working presidency. And suddenly hit me under, he was talking like a 14-year-old girl who was planning her wedding. There's going to be a big cake, but I'm not going to dance all the time

because I need to say hello to people and then do photos afterwards. So I'm going to dance for 15 minutes and then we'll have some speeches and then we'll cut the cake. That sounds pretty much exactly like your wedding. Well what went wrong for Gingrich, other than the fact that he looks like the kind of president who would definitely get invaded by aliens in a sci-fi film, maybe it's the fact that America realised that if he treats his country like he treats his wives, then the half way through 2014 he asked America if it minds him being president of Cuba as well.

Well the biggest problem that Gingrich might face in making a comeback though, isn't just numbers and facts, although neither of those are his friends at the moment, but it could be music, because he is currently being sued by Frank Sullivan of the band Survivor Fame for using I of the Tiger as his entrance music. Now, it's not clear why anyone on the Gingrich campaign thought that the Rocky theme was a suitable choice for him. As Rocky was not a particularly skilled boxer, his main skill was the ability to get punch repeatedly

in the face without passing out. And I'm just not sure if that's a skill you want to project as a potential president. Romney was criticized for being insensitive and clueless by the Democrats. And it shows that maybe he's starting to work on things that could connect him with the core Republican voters. But that's really what they're looking for in their candidate.

But a final savior may just have emerged from New Gingrich Andy, because yesterday Donald Trump called a press conference to announce that he's endorsing Mitt Romney. And that could be disastrous news for Romney, because according to a Pew poll taken a few weeks ago, only 13% of Republican voters would be more inclined to support a candidate endorsed by Trump, while 20% would be less inclined. So Trump is the inverse Midas, Andy.

Everything he touches turns to shit. Spectacular, tacky, golden shit. Of course the history of attack advertising began in the Bible when Judas and Peter both slammed Jesus, he slammed them back. They ended up splitting the Jewish vote and losing the election to Barabbos. Is that what happened? I'm a little bit wrong. Romney fact box now. And well, and he perhaps is time for the world to take a quick look at the man who's likely to be the Republican nominee.

If feeling entitled to be president was all that counted, Mitt Romney would already be commander-in-chief. And he would have been so from about 12 years old. He's a grotesque, wealthy man, having made up to $300 million as a venture capitalist or to use that occupation's other name, a professional ****. Potato potato. He's dashingly handsome, emotionally sterile and seems to possess a de-candy and contempt for the poor. You really get the sense that he'd be truly happy walking through the streets of Victorian London, wearing a top hat,

hitting street children with a stick and singing at the top of his voice. And his stump speeches over the coming year should be very interesting to watch. If you don't know what a stump speech is, it's the backbone of American democracy. If American democracy had suffered a massive spinal injury. Stump speeches are like what you would get if you put the Gettysburg address through a sewage branch. A series of well-meaning messages mangled beyond comprehension and covered in shit. It's the process of condensing the complexities of an entire political campaign into 15 minutes of button-pushing soundbites that you can shout at people. An interesting

side note is that if you put any candidate on a heart monitor, you'll see that during stump speeches most candidates have no pulse. They are literally dead inside. And if Ron Lee's campaign so far is anything to go by, this is the kind of thing that we can expect from his campaign commercials. In terms of music, we're going to get something that you'd commonly hear in the background of a supermarket. In terms of visuals, think of the soft focus and warm tones of very soft core pornography. And know that at some point Mitt Romney is going to be standing inexplicably in a field, wearing what else but a light blue button down shirt Andy, the most trusting shirt there

is. And as for the most important thing that you're going to see his entire campaign, well, I've got a helpful acronym to help you remember Andy. F-L-A-G-S. F for flags. They are the most important thing in a Romney commercial. L is for, listen, I'm not kidding about the flags. There are going to be a lot of them. A is for American flags. Chinese flags can go f**k themselves, Andy. They can go back to Russia where they came from. G is for God in flag four. God loves flags, Andy, and he loves American flags. Why else would he have made Chinese children to make them? And S? Seriously, there is going to be an almost sarcastic amount of flags. Think about a number of flags that would actually be offensive and then remove one flag.

That's how many flags there's going to be. There's been quite a lot of swearing in this week's episode and quite a lively debate on the bugle Twitter feed and the Facebook page of a whether or not we should be bleeping out. It's one of the great philosophical quandaries of the modern age. Yeah, I think the bleeping at the moment is there to save us from ourselves, Andy. Some people got militantly against bleeping whereas others believe that it's actually in hot, it's an enhancer rather than inhance rather than just like quality lingerie.

It's more about making you more interested in what it's hiding. Whatever they f***ing say, the bleep's the stain. British morality news now and it's been another bad week for British Morality. Today, Chris Hune, the government's energy ministers resigned to fight criminal charges for perverting the course of justice, whereas, of course, politicians are supposed to perv over the course of justice. Oh, justice. Oh, yeah. And the England football captain John Terry has been stripped of the captaincy,

and we'll later in the air face criminal charges for bigger total and up sorry for racially abusing another player and also following prolonged public and media outcry about the night chart he was given in 2004 Fred Goodwin has been stripped of that nighthoods. It was originally awarded for as far as I can make out playing roulette unusually aggressively on a very big table with other people's money, or as widely was rudely reported at the time services to banking. He's been stripped of this and instead awarded an MB for services to the British bandwagon industry. And it's a kind of depressing story. I mean it's three years since he was forced to step down as head of RBS in which time the media outcry has not really been

that intense against him. He's the man, for those you don't know how much about it, Fred the Shredgood win single-handedly without anyone at all helping him in the industry or in politics and in contravention of the honorable spirit of an industry who were renowned for its hyper-sucrupulous morality. He humped an entire bank off a cliff into a disused quarry. morality, he humped an entire bank off a cliff into a disused quarry. He'd received his knighthood join in 2003 for his services to financial irresponsibility, which at the time was viewed as a sensible, patriotic and responsible thing to do, but it turns out it was tragically none of these things. And he joined a list of people who've had night-a-dremove, including honorary nights, Robert McGarby, Nikolai Chuchescu and Benito Mussolini, which does slightly raise the question,

do our monarchs get fucking hammered before dulling out honorary night-a-d. That's right, the queen, a noiled president, Robert McGarby's night-a-d in 2008, 2008, what did that man have to do to get his nighthood taken away, Andy? Did Buckingham Palace want to be absolutely 100% sure that he was a platinum-grade asshole? Because they really gave him the benefit of the doubt for 14 years. Macarby got his nighthood in 94. If the palace is guilty of anything, Andy,

the guilty have seen the good in people too much. Because as you mentioned, Chow Chesco and Mussolini were also stripped of honorary knighthoods. Now, you might well ask, or hold on, how in the name of the living f*** did Chow Chesco and Mussolini give a knighthood in the first place? Well, that's not the point. The point is that we eventually did the right thing

albeit at the last possible moment. Because Chautescu, who was given the nighthood apparently in an attempt to improve relations within Europe during the Cold War, had his nighthood pulled the day before his execution by a revolutionary firing squad. The day before we really hung in there with that one Andy, and as for Mussolini, he lost his nighthood when Italy joined Nazi Germany in 1940 and declared war on the UK. We waited until he physically declared war on us Andy. When you put it in that context this banking power douche seems to have been quite hard done by.

So what do we know about Fred Goodwin other than the fact that he is as evil as Benito Mussolini and Chalchescu and McGarby put together Well, his story begins way back in the midst of history when he and his brother were abandoned in the woods outside Rome and raised by a she-wolf. Oh hang on, that wasn't him. That was football or Francesco Totti. But how did Goodwin turn from the son of a Scottish electrician who was the first person in his family to go to university and began his working life as a humble chartered accountant? How did he turn into the British Robert Mag McGarby? After moving into banking, he became known as Fred D'Sred partly because he couldn't say the word Shed properly, which would have been

cute if he'd been a child, but was less so as a senior financial executive, partly because he would julie and a cucumber with his bare hands at the start of board meetings, and just a show everyone who was boss, and partly because of his ruthlessness in imposing swinging job losses. Now in Britain, this added to his own popularity in America, well he'd probably be the Republican presidential candidate. He was known as a Corporate Attila the Hun, which oddly is actually a compliments in high-level banking, if not as a doctor, husband, care home worker, golfer or lover.

And he soon became head of the Royal Bank of Scotland. And, fortunately, on his first day, RBS, he was bitten by a radioactive greyhound and became addicted to gambling. He started buying up all kinds of stuff, insurance companies, mortgage providers, bits of other banks, commemorative figurines of tennis champion Virginia Wade, Virginia Wade herself, literally anything at any price. And Fred Goodwin drove RBS like a financial evil con evil, trying to make it jump over

an unprecedented row of other banks and over grand canyons of a mathematical reality. For a while, it worked, the share price rose like Carnival's motorbike off the end of a ramp. Profits and assets shot upwards, Fred was unstoppable now, he tried to buy the moon, Nancy Reagan's one remaining butterk and most faithfully of all the Dutch bank ABN Ambro, which turned that to be worth absolutely jack shit. In technical terms, shit started to go down on the financial markets and all of a sudden,

it turned out that pretty much everything in the entire financial world was pretend. If red was left halfway across that grand canning of maths, grimacing at the camera like the Wiley Coyote of banking you'd always dreamed of being, RBS made a record £24 billion loss. The bank had to be bailed out by the UK tax payer and a share price which had been bumped up from four pounds to 17 pounds whilst he was swinging his dick around in the good times, had plummeted back to 65 pence

by the time that dick had finished triviling back up again. Now I'm not an economist, but I think those are the most appropriate terms. But it wasn't just the knight who did he got John. He was voted Scotland's most powerful man for years in a row. He won businessmen of the year from Forbes magazine and European banker of the year in 2003. So just a lot of people thought what he was doing was big and clever. And since then, the South of the ongoing squabble about the size of his massive pension and his extramarital affairs There's generally been an overwhelming sense that he has not said whoops, sorry quite as loudly or as often as he should have done and

People increasingly felt that Fred Goodwin having a knighthood was something of an unwanted penis to the soul of Britain And I guess what it shows John is it highlights the folly of awarding knighthoods to people before you've allowed history to have any say on whether what, whether or not what they've been doing is actually very clever or is clinically f***ing insane. Internally for those of you concerned about the denighting ceremony, what it involves is the disgraceous knight being forced to attend Buckingham Palace dressed in a full suit of armour, which is then forced to take off bit by bit in a shame faced strippedies in front of the Queen's entire gorge. To the accompaniment of the Henry VIII pen song, I've been a very naughty boy. The B-side of Henry's early

16th century smash hit number one hit Green Sleeves. When the night has removed his armour, it's then forced to humiliate himself by standing in his wife, Ronson String Vest in front of the Queen, saying a ceremonial, whoops, I'm very sorry, ma'am. Before the Queen reverses the nighting process by tapping him on both shoulders with a stale baguette, whilst the Lord Chancellor says in Latin, Hoke Pane Longo, Nagerosex, Gidere Potest, meaning she could cut your plumbed off with this long bit of bread. Before the monarch hands the Holy Scepter to the Duke of Northumberland to administer the parting Septothwack in the Nuts,

a traditional, as older history itself. except to thwack in the nuts, a traditional, as older history itself. BELL RINGS Your emails now, and this one comes in from John the Amasculator Woodsman. That is a tremendous wrestling name. It sure is. I would definitely like to watch him wrestle. On the subject, orange balls of glory. Now what a film that would be.

To John Andean Chris, in order of likely to invade Canada again. As a frequent follower of the bugle and a former member of the Canadian Department of National Defence, I just thought you should know a few things. First, those stress balls he mentioned in last week's bugle are f***ing amazing. This is especially true when you're a civilian working around a group of people that have the skills and necessary to kill you with their bare hands. Second, the Minister of National Offends that cancelled that shipment of orange stress balls also happened to be involved in a scandal that involved him ordering a military search and rescue helicopter to come and pick him up after a fishing trip.

It seems as though he was in too much of a hurry to take his charter boat and his head decided to fit the option of taking a military helicopter was much more fucking awesome. The overall time he saved by taking the helicopter two hours total cost of the taxpayers $16,000. Lastly, I'd like to take another moment to lament the loss in those orange stress balls. Seriously, those orange stress balls are the best thing to have on hand when your boss is taking f***ing stupid, $16,000 joy rides. Best regards, John the Amasculator Woodsman. John the Amasculator wasn't here kind of early 5th century saint John the Amasculator. I think he was John the Baptist dad wasn't he?

Oh really? You don't want to find out how he got that title. That's all the emails we've got time for this week. But do keep them coming in to info at thebugelpodcast.com or else. And don't forget to have a look at the website, thebugelPodcast.com. BABY GOLBODGAST.COM Sport now and, well, John, it's the Super Bowl this weekend. Yes.

The most American events known to mankind. It doesn't get more yangified than that. It's actually probably the most American events possible without digging up George Washington and Marilyn Monroe and making them take each other to a prom while drinking a ribs milkshake. Both dressed as apple pies. And of course there's a rematch of the 2008 final when the giants shocked the patriots in an ironic day of legal life reversal.

What's going to happen this time? Well, and I think it's up to Tom Brady. You know, if he decides he wants to throw a whole load of touchdowns, it's going to happen this time? Well, and I think it's up to Tom Brady. If he decides he wants to throw a whole load of touchdowns, it's going to be hard to stop him. But if he can't really be bothered to do that, then I think the giants are going to win. Right.

That's good. It's not like he's listening to ESPN radio, isn't it? And have you got a steer on whether or not he's going to be bothered or is he? Why? It'll just be how he feels when he wakes up in the morning. It's just like it's one of those touchdown days. So if you see him going out for the first play,

like checking his email, so it doesn't mean go big on the Giants. Go big, yeah. So that's it for this week's Bugle. Thank you for listening. Don't forget to check out our page on SoundCloud, SoundCloud slash the hyphen bugle. That's almost right.

Really right. SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen bugle. But I just missed out on the dot, you're gonna be chuckered.com in there aren't you? And they probably need to say that, anyway. By the time you've learned it, SoundCloud will have fired us together. So yeah. We'd rather say that anyway. By the time you've learned to soundcloud, we'll have fired us together. Ha ha ha ha.

And we'll be back next week with Bugle 182. Goodbye. Bye. you