The Bugle - Bugle 182 – Stockpiling Humanity

Episode Date: February 11, 2012

Maldiviacs revolt, Capello quits, Syria sinks, and Dickens dives. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello Bugle! Welcome to issue 182 of the Bugle audio newspaper for a visual world with me. And his ozman here in London and in New York City. Mr. John Oliver. Hello Andy. Hello Bugle. And I was just talking to Paul the engineer here who was telling me about Peter Cooper. Mr. John Oliver. Hello Andy. Hello Bugles.

Andy, I was just talking to Paul, the engineer here, who was telling me about Peter Cooper, who's the guy who owns the University of Cooper Union here. Apparently he got his money. Andy, because he was a glue baron. So you get complaints and it's sad that we've lost the era of glue barons when you could make your money from striking glue People would be in the pockets of big glue Andy was a simpler time the sticky pockets of big glue Anyway, and all day yesterday a most of last night I was shooting an elaborate opening title sequence for the next

Series of my standup show on Comedy Central a series which you yourself are going to be appearing in Andy. That's right. That's going to be one of the great moments in American culture. Well, that remains to be seen, but it's good to see that you're going in with some confidence. Yeah, as long as I'm hitting the smolder medium time. The, um, uh, it basically involved this shoot, uh, shooting outside all over New York, uh, for many hours. And it really brought home to you that people in this city are fucking lunatics, at least. It basically involved this shooting outside all over New York for many hours.

And it really brought home to you that people in this city are fucking lunatics, and they're having lots of times the standard piece of advice for tourists to visit in New York seems to be, just walk around, walk around and try and take in as much of the city as you can. And that's true in a way, Andy.

But if you really want to get the full flavor of what living here is like, go outside into the street and then just stand still and let New York's nut jobs introduce themselves to you, which they will in less than three minutes. I saw things yesterday, Andy, that could change a man. I saw an old Asian lady wearing beats by Dr Dre headphones, who, when realising that I was standing slotting in her way, told me in broken English to go fuck myself. This was a tiny 70 year old woman in Chinatown, Andy. And she spoke from the heart.

Really? Are you sure that was why she told you that? You sure she hadn't been that gig we did in York? If so, then I'm afraid I must let that insult stand. Or also, the beauty is that a TV camera is catniped to crazy people. It's second only to the T-shirt cannon in terms of immediately demanding people's full undivided attention.

And a man walking his cat on a leash, which is already strange enough that it needed no explanation, walking his cat Andy, walking his cat. Came over and asked me what this shoot was about and whether it was a fashion shoot for New York Fashion Week. I said no, it wasn't, and he said, yeah, I didn't think so

because you're not wearing those clothes very well. What does that mean, Andy? I mean, I know that isn't a compliment, but what does that mean? Because I was wearing the clothes at the very least technically proficiently. My arms and legs were through the correct holes and the various buttons were done up at least close to properly. I don't know what more

he can reasonably expect of me. Well you've always been a notorious fashion icon. Yeah thanks very much to all the buglers who've come to see my show at the Soho Theatre in London. In particular to a gentleman called Craig who, after the show on Monday, this man just came up to me and said, you drop this on the floor and thrust something into my hand. And it turned out it was some stunning portraits of the Queen on the banknotes and a little note saying dear Andy and brackets and John double brackets and Chris two lots of parentheses for you to Chris. Please accept this donation for the bugle I love the bugle Craig from Ulu in North Finland home of the World Air Guitar Championships. What? Yep that's where they are, John.

Oulu in North Finland. So I just, and by the time I turned around, having realised what was in my hand, you'd left the building. So I just wanted to say Craig, if you're listening, thank you very much, you're a very generous donation. And let you be an example of all those who have donated their voluntary subscriptions to the Saveed Up Ugoal Fund.

And hold on, hold on that. Are you asking that people don't like to you directly in cash? No, I'm not. Is that the new system you'd like to put in? That's very much not the new system, although, you're always welcome. Right, it was like I'd done a really good bit of busking. But home of the World Air Guitar Championships. Yeah, that is something. Did he just disappear in a plume of air guitar smoke?

Yeah, he's how he left. Yeah, but it was classical air guitar. He was just plucking out some beautiful harmonies. This is Bugle 182, meaning there have now been the same number of Bugles as the number of times that the ace astronaut Neil Armstrong said, hey Buzz, don't worry, silver medal is not bad, it's not as good as gold before Buzz Aldrin punched him in the face and said, that is the last time I ever asked you to wait a minute while I nip off for a was. And for the week beginning Monday the 13th of February 2012, meaning this week's section in the bin is a Valentine's Day section, including. If your one day campaign of anonymous nuisance mail doesn't work on Valentine's Day, how long should you keep it going for?

Top story this week, madness in the Maldives! And with all the attention that the Arab Spring got, Andy, and is now deliberately not getting, let's spare a thought for the Muldives. Now you might ask, where the f*** are the Muldives? To which I would say, why don't you go buy a globe, cover it into Basco sauce, eat that globe, digest what's on it and shit yourself out in answer. I'm sorry if that was a little blue Andy, I was up very late last night being shouted out by older Asian ladies.

The Maldives are a small island nation consisting of about 1200 islands in the Indian Ocean, capital city Malay, official language, Divehi, currency, Maldivian, Raffia. Thank God the Wikipedia strike is over Andy or that would have been a significantly shorter sentence. And who is there president? Well I tell you who it definitely isn't. It definitely isn't democratically elected President Muhammad Nashid. Because he stepped down from power this week and after looking at potential coup in the

face and saying, no, thank you, not for me. Muhammad Nashid is going to make like a tree and uproot himself from power. So that his political career breaks down into mulch. I'm resigning as one of saying people, why don't you appreciate wordplay? And this was never gonna work out, Maldives. Yeah, Maldives former Holdr of the World Record for the largest communal scuba dive,

to believe remains the nation's greatest achievement. The tropical island paradise, unless you happen to actually come from there, in which case you probably don't have any money at all and you should live under autocratic regimes and the vague sense that your home will probably be under water in a few years time. But- Different kind of paradise. Yeah, different kind.

And you can watch rich people from the west enjoying a tropical island paradise so you get it vicariously, which is better than nothing, I think. That was the extra unreleased verse to the Guns of Rose's Paradise City and the time we down to the Paradise City where the cross is green, the girls are pretty and the poverty line is absolutely devastating. resigned at gunpoint, Adolf Hitler being one, I guess. And it was a former political prisoner and refugee who took over from a corrupt autocratic predecessor who'd been in power for three decades. And magnanimously rose over having been held in solitary confinement, being tortured

and forced to eat ground glass, which I'm guessing wasn't particularly elegantly prepared in a jail in the Muldeeves. I guess ground glass is one of those things like awful. If you're going to eat it, John, you want to eat it somewhere really good, definitely not in jail, unless the Maldives Secret Service has hired Heston Blumenthal as a celebrity guest chef for the week. Yeah, as you mentioned, he pledged to complete the Maldives move towards full democracy,

but faced huge opposition as his parliament was dominated by opposition supporters of the former president. And that is awkward Andy and when I say awkward I mean dangerous and fundamentally doomed. He stepped down on Tuesday as he says saying that he was forced to resign at gunpoint by police and army officers in a move planned with the knowledge of his former vice president who has now replaced him. And new president Hassan had denied these gunpoint claims saying yeah it wasn't a gunpoint no one ever pointed the gun at him they just directly his attention to the gun and said that if he didn't resign immediately the gun would be pointed at him and

then fired at him and then carefully placed in his hand to indicate suicide. The the Maldives economy of course based on tourism, which began in the early 1970s, and the extictator, who now she took over from, and who could be set for her return to power, an emotional comeback like a nasty Elvis. A more moon, a doggy who probably could not quite as well dressed. He took power in 1978, and tourism boomed up towards the figure of 500,000 tourists per year today, which just shows John that tourists love dictators. We saw this with Tunisia as well when the revolution kicked off there in the main concern,

certainly in Britain as well as where the British holiday makers might be slightly inconvenience by those annoying locals disrupting their holidays of a lifetime by fighting a life and death struggle for freedom. And the same has happened with the Maldives. Where should we go this year, love? Oh, well, somehow we can get away from it all, you know, from work, from stress, from family, and from democracy. I want to go somewhere where the local people are oppressed. Otherwise, it just won't feel any different from a home. Ex-President Nashid will be missed. He He seemed to be a fundamentally well-meaning man in a near-impossible job who was anxious to move towards a more moderate government. And he'll be remembered as a committed environmentalist, how committed, or try this for size.

He once held an underwater cabinet meeting to highlight climate change. In an innovative move aimed at grabbing attention, he and his ministers were in full scuba gear as they met for about 30 minutes at a depth of six meters just north of the capital in 2009. Wow. Andy, he even signed a bill down there, presumably with an underwater pen. That is world-class leadership, Andy. These crazy Maldivian acts, or whatever they call themselves, don't know what they're giving up here. Because we're not just missing that, we're not just missing underwater meetings. We're missing what he could have done.

How is he going to highlight the problems of nuclear proliferation? Having a 30 minute meeting inside a nuclear warhead before symbolically detonating it in a cloud of mushrooms, the guy could have been great fun to watch Andy. Instead now we're watching him desperately try to slip into Sri Lanka to prevent getting killed. Because not the entirely the first leader to hold cabinet meetings underwater. Margaret Thatcher famously used to begin all her cabinet meetings as British Prime Minister

by shoving her minute's heads into a toilet, flushing it and saying, who's in charge? I'm in charge. Now tell yourself to hand and say yes, miss. Yeah, it just seems so charming when Merrill striped it in a movie, though, Andy. It didn't seem quite as bad. The problems arose when Nashid had a senior judge arrested who'd ordered the release of a government critic, that judge himself had been accused of corruption, but there was a big backlash against Neshede for this. And I guess it shows, John, the eternal rule that when you're a democratically-elected leader fighting against a legacy of institutionalised corruption and religious conservatism and trying to clean up the economic mess left by your predecessors and the general global economic climate, it's probably best not to arrest a judge, even if that judge is a real dick.

British leadership news now and, well, England is ruddulous. And we are without a leader. Fabio Capelo, the England manager, has resigned also in a largely bloodless coup. And England is in chaos. There's a power vacuum and that is always one thing that's what they're most dangerous. What is the atmosphere like on the streets of England? That is the troubled streets. Well, I don't know. There's probably not been anything like this, certainly since the peasants revolt in the late 14th century.

People just don't know really where they stand anymore. You know, there's no England manager. You know, it's like having no monarch, no parliament. We just don't know who we are anymore, John. We just don't know. I think turmoil. I think what we're saying to the people of the Maldives is we know how you feel, but you don't know how we feel. Fabio Capello, the England manager, resigned in what has to be described as a classically Italian straw. After the football association sacked his captain without telling him that they were going to sack his captain and he threw his Italian toys out of his Italian pram and has flound

stuff. He was due to leading them to the Euro 2012 championships this summer and presumably he thought back to the last tournament that he'd led England to the Euro 2012 championships this summer. And presumably he thought back to the last tournament that he'd led in to the 2010 World Cup. And remembered, how about that tournament under his stewardship, being then played like an extremely disappointing plaintive overcooked and now rotting ratatoes

from a low grade restaurant in the war zone? And then remembered how the English media had responded to that by power-hosing vitriol in his Italian direction. And I thought, that's on it, I vitriol in his Italian direction and thought, that's so that I'll just spend the summer riding my scooters, clicking my hair back and making suggestive comments to passing ladens. Or whatever Italians do these days. So, if I had stripped the capency from John Terry, the two-time winner of the man you'd least like to break some distressing family news to you awards in British Tool Magazine.

Terry is facing a criminal prosecution for alleged racial abuse and this had proved to be the final straw of unacceptable that broke the FA camel of tolerance is back. That camel is currently recuperating in the royal hospital for metaphorical animals and Vets there have claimed that they'd never seen a camel and you're quite so many straws before it back finally gave in. This was one tolerant camel, they said, and some of those straws were in fact 10-foot-long sections of lead piping. It did amazingly well to last that long. In fact, when it was complaining of lumbar pain, it probably had several stress fractures. Mr Terry is also facing charges of metaphorical cruelty to metaphorical animals.

That last section was about football, by the way. Yeah. Oh yeah. OK, so any of your uncivilised jobs in America didn't fit that up. It's about football, real football. Well, you kick the ball with your foot more than once every 20 minutes,

like in your silly football. MUSIC Surya update now, and well, the update in update in Syria and the really can be distilled down to this. Oh boy. Oh boy. And when I say oh, you say boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. Yeah that's basically it. That basically encapsulates what happened in Syria in the last seven days. As we predicted last week, China and Russia vetoed the UN resolution to prevent violence in Syria. So, you know, we were right, Andy.

They vetoed it. We were right. It's always good to be right, isn't it? And what was the price for being right? People being murdered on the street in the Syrian city of Homs. Pretty shit prize, Andy. That is a bad prize. Shit prize!

That is like the prize that we had a couple of years ago for two, three tickets to my show. Hulcubely worse, so. One man from Homs quoted in an interview said these words, Where is the United Nations? Where is the humanity? Where is America? Is an America supposed to defend humanity? America? Is America supposed to defend humanity?

Isn't the UN supposed to defend humanity? Are we animals dying here? Are we supposed to live like this? Are whole lives heart-rending cry of desperation? Anyway, I took this on and I've actually contacted the United Nations and I do have some answers to those questions. Oh.

Where is the UN? It's in New York, mostly. If you meant where the UN was with regard to the slaughtering homes, it's still in New York. Where is the humanity? The UN says, we're not sure, we lent it to the Libyan rebels and they seem to have misled it. If they find it, we'll get back to you ASAP and try to forward what's left on to you. Or ask the Russians and the Chinese. They must have quite a lot in reserve. They certainly haven't been using much. I think they might be stockpiling the humanity and they're going to splurge out in one bananza of humanity some time. Where is America? Answer, none of your business,

spending some quality time with itself. Isn't America supposed to defend humanity? Answer, yes and no. Ideally, yes, but no, if it defends humanity, the way it's often defended in the past, and it depends where that humanity is. If it's in Rwanda, then no. You weren't supposed to defend humanity, Ditto, but it's hard trying to defend humanity when the Russians are defending defending humanity themselves. Are we animals dying here? Answer the UN advices that during periods of intense bombing, please keep your pets indoors, the bank will make them jumpy.

Are we supposed to live like this our whole lives answer? How long is a piece of string? Oh, Andy, that was painfully funny and painful. I'll take that as a compliment, you know. Syria certainly did Russia and China and itself know favors. It was hard enough to justify the veto and Syria even started bombing Homs before the vote was taken to which I'm pretty sure Russia responded,

Jesus Christ. Can you not just wait six hours until this vote has actually happened? You're killing me here. Metaphorically, obviously, you're literally killing your own people in their hundreds, which I, Russia, incidentally, have no problem with. It's just, there's an etiquette to doing these things, Syria.

Don't start firing until my veto is given you the green light. What are we? Barbarians? BORBERians? BORBERians? Continental pile-up news now, an America and Eurasia, two of the world's most famous mega-continents, are on course for a low-speed smash, which could result in the two merging

to form one giant super-continent just like the good old days, when we all lived on Pangier. And there was no racism, no hatred, no prejudice, and no people, which, too, trust in human history, is something of precondition for harmonious utopia.

LAUGHTER You're right, America and Eurasia are going to slam into each other in 50 to 200 million years' time. And that is the continental matchup that the fans have been waiting for, Andy. That is the Titan Holyfield of Tectonic Smash-ups. We're going to bite their f***ing ear off. The Yale University of Sides. Who's that point? It was Sidney Oindex. That's a point Andy Bond. You've decided you've to flee set up in this matchup.

I could just put one shirt on under the other shirt and rip it off for the last minute. You did a win-win situation. These are Yale University scientists predict that Africa and Australia will join the new supercontinent too, which will mark the next coming together of the Earth's land masses. And then what happens, Andy? To the tune new supercontinentists

then meet each other in the final, the Super Bowl of land slams, four continent enter, one continent leaves, and then there's also Africa which continues to be ignored. They can't even get involved in this game of bumper continent, Andy. The new supercontinent has already been given the working title of Amazia as it's expected to involve the convergence of the Americas and Asia. And that's a great name. And he really pops Amazia. It sounds like amazing. And it also sounds like the 90s pop band Eurasia. There must have been some serious money plowed into branding that. It also sounds like the 90s pop band Eurasia. There must have been some serious money plowed into branding that. It also sounds like a bit of a disease of some kind,

in which you're too easily amazed by stuff. It just got a lot of young people, about 80% of young people suffer it around the world as a harrowing condition. It just goes to show as well, Andy, if we can just live for 50 to 200 million more years, we'll eventually be living in the same country again. Well, this is one of the pluses of it, John, because there's a lot of pluses and minuses.

It's going to happen between 50 million and 200 million years from now. And what I want to know, John, is what are our politicians doing about it? These are the problems with having a four or five-year electoral cycle. The politicians are not going to plan long-term. Ideally, you want a government in place for 10 or 20 million years that can deal with these issues without worrying about re-election. But anyway, loads of those pluses and minuses on the plus side, as you say, it will be lovely to be able to record the bugle on the same band mass.

On the minus side, going from Europe to America naked and a peddler won't be so impressive anymore. On the plus side, things haven't been working out too well as it is with an ocean between us we need a change on the minus side immigration is going to be chaos tough enough surrounded by sea on the plus side it's probably good for the environment as it will cut down on transatlantic flights on the minus side it's going to make them winning the European football championships even harder for England if you're going to think of the whole of South America as well. Oh, that's a problem. We're going to need a lucky draw, John, and a lot of lucky games. Really. I mean, I know we're planning a hit. I just don't think we'll have sorted out the youth system in 50 million years.

Dickens news now. And last Tuesday was the 200th birthday of Charles Dickens who tragedy was unable to join in the celebrations on the grounds that he was completely an utterly dead. He was the man after whom as we were revealed in Beagle 65 the rapper Chuck D took both his name and lyrical inspiration. In fact if you play the... Is that something we said Andy? That was a we said. That was a strong joke. That was a strong joke. That was a long time ago. Yeah, well, in fact, I revealed at the time, John, that's when

Chuck Dea applied for the job as vocalist for public enemy. He wrote on his application that the Victorian novelist was an inspiration and someone who's work and beard, I hope, to emulate in the medium of rap. And is included with his application, a six hour hip hop version of Dickens' Unfinished Novel of Mystery of Edwin Druid. But in fact, if you play the public enemy hit,

Yo, bum rush the show, we titled back our first album, Backwards at Half Speed, it is the first couple of pages of Dickens' hit novel, Donbiansson, and tracked three on the same album, Mewzy Ways of Tone. It's basically a five star review of our mutual friend. Dickens, of course, has

left a great legacy for this country and it's reached its apotheosis in Dickens World, a Dickens theme park in Chatham in North Kent. Now, I don't know if you've ever been to Chatham, John. I have, I have idea. I have been, but incredibly, I didn't go to Dickie's world, which was, I guess, didn't put me alone. Yeah. But Chatham is, you know, it's an old dockyard town, but it's in a fairly depressed area of Kent and the Medway Towns. And the on TripAdvisor Dickie's world was ranked fourth out of five attractions in Chattam. It's a bit like being the fourth most useful finger on Lord Nelson's right arm in the latter stage of his career. All the second

best movie at John Oliver has ever started. Oh, oh, f*** you Andy. On the second best movie, the movie that took in half a billion dollars, Andy. Did Dickens World do that? No. It's opening budget, it was a Pultry 124 million, please, Dickens World, please. You need to set that aside in advertising. Learn the lessons of the Smurfs. I've got a copy of the Smurfs at home.

Really? I don't know what to do with it. What? Watch it! Watch what to do with it. What? Watch it! It's a good idea. Watch it. And enjoy it. Actually, you don't even have to.

The fact you've got it at home is all people involved in the Smurf's care about. I'm not sure Dickens would have been a bugle fan, John, a famous quote from his smash hit novel, Hard Times. Now, what I want is facts. Teach these boys and girls nothing but facts. Facts alone who wanted in life, plant nothing else and root out everything else, John. I think he might have listened to half an episode and then given up.

What would Dickens think of Dickens' world, the theme park Andy? Dickens' biography of Peter Acroid, right at the place, he would be literally sick. Sick with the smells, sick with the food, sick with the atmosphere around him. Wow, that must have been a pretty rough, yelp review from Peter acroid. But coming from the medway town's area of Kent's John, I imagine what Charles Dickens would have been like, had he been born in this current era, coming from the same area, he'd probably spent most of his teenage years vomiting and rubbish bins and having fights with lampposts, but on the plus side he was also almost certainly been a fan of Jillingham Football Club. My T-Jills, the pride of Ken, and he's probably

had a tattoo of the legendary mid-90s centreback Richard Green on his shoulder, very rock at the heart of the defence that prevented Gillian from being the worst team in the whole of English professional football in 1993 by one place. Legend, he's an absolute legend Richard Green. That's an overused word these days, and I'm overusing it right here. He's overused.

When Dickens visited New York in 1842, John, apparently a barber sold scraps of his hair and crowds followed him through the street and in Boston, ladies with scissors tried to cut off pieces of his coat. And it's eerie to think that just 170 years later, the same shit is happening to you. Yeah, where's the John Oliver theme park Andy? Complete with pizza hearts. Yeah.

Where is it? Matter of time. Matter of time, matter of time. But I thought it was very interesting how you've approached this sticking story John very distinctively, very distinctive style you brought it. You really gave it an Oliver twist. Oh no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, makes his living judging reality TV shows. So I made a mental checklist, pick wick pay peers. And on a way, I've stopped at an antiquarian book shop in a really old building with a tiny entrance. You could easily bump your head on. Yes, so you only had a little door. It was a real risk. And as Dick is legacy not being dragged through the mud with this Dickens theme park enough. Anyway, once I'd squeezed into the shop, it was really crowded with a

busload of pensioners, busload of pensioners. A busload of pensioners. And they were really interested in the books and asked loads of questions about them. But sadly, they had a really bad selection of titles and the staff were rude. It was a rubbish place. The old, curious, shitty shop.

I then thought I'd have a knockout competition to find my favorite 19th century novelist. I drew the quarterfinals, some looked pretty one-sided. Austin is going to hammer gascule, I thought. But some of them matchups were really close. Dickens himself was drawing against Thackerie. Oh, I thought, hard time. Mmm, it's a hard one to call that one.

I think Dickens will probably sneak through. Anywho to a, Markly 200th anniversary, are you still listening? Oh, for, to be popping out of his mummy, scrapping flug? I thought many other guys from my football team should get around for a communal reading session. One of the lad South African Daves,

had he bring enough things for everyone to sit on. Part of my goal, you like to stand, then I pointed out to him, it was a really hot day and all this furniture was made of flowers. And now he said, Martin Cheselwilt, Martin Cheselwilt. Andy, I think Save the Bugle should be renamed,

put the bugle out of its misery. My tin Chieselwilt, did you get it? I got it. Oh good. Yeah. Anyway, on the way out the shop I bumped into an old girlfriend. What was her name? I can't remember, she just used to sleep with a cleansing face pack made of fried potato snacks and her parents had rather cruelly named her after Margaret Thatcher's daughter. That's it, Chris Moss Carol. Anyway, lovely year last year was terrific, I was great to see her again and I still got a bit of a thing for her to be honest.

And we got chatting, reminiscing about the old times and I gave her a multiple choice of quiz question about what her favourite part of my body was. She looked so pretty as she thought of it and looked me over from top to bottom, her eyes went down, down a bit further, and down, disappointingly far and then down a bit more. Then my great ex picked A shins. She then asked me what my favourite farm animal was. Tough one I said I like them all but if I had to choose one

probably cows. Bleed cows probably. Andy what do you sound so happy? Then the Prime Minister came in John for some celebrity dickens function other and he started obviously staring at Chris Mosk, Carol's, Ample Day, Colour Tars. He just couldn't take his eyes off them.

Anyway, he's got a thing for powerful men, so she went up to him and said, go on David, copper field. Ah, I thought to myself better off without her. And that's it, sorry. Some of those weren't great, so it really did take it off to Zityzy Problem with PUNS

as Austrian Neurogeist celebrity in joke and a Sigmund Freud would have said, come on John, pull yourself together. There's some really original stuff there, some really novel jokes. It sounds like you're probably thinking about putting out a press release just a short one saying, and the results, what a dick, ends.

Hold on, hold on here. At the start of this feature, Andy really gleefully said he had quite a lot of content, and I couldn't work out well, so happy that he had so much content. I even, I even, how I'm doing on it, Edges is out there, but I'm gonna be a rudge in the Nicholas Nicky goch.

Ha ha ha ha. I think that bit would work at a one time or two'm not gonna get this one. Normandy Andy. Normandy Beach. Can I replace this last six minutes with just a pneumatic drill effect? Yeah, that'll be good. That'll be so soothing.

Oh, Dan Andy. Thank you. the hood of turning off a nuclear reactor by bludging it with scaffold poles. Yes. Wow. I like the way this email is heading. I am on board with this. He said, I hope it's not too late to make a nomination for the Beagle's Big Broth Balls Award, never too late. Even if you warded a few weeks ago when the event I'm referring to took place over 50 years ago, like I say, never too late.

He goes on to say, I would like to nominate Tom Tuhoy, Tom Hughes, and their unnamed co-workers in mitigating the effects of Britain's worst nuclear accident, the Winscale Fire of 1957. He says, all this information comes from Wikipedia, that in this case does not make it untrue. And he says, that these men attempted to fight the out of control reactor by battering it with scaffolding poles, which melted, incident well as Tom Tahoe repeatedly climbing on top of the burning pile to direct operations as water is poured on to control the fire Also one of the inspection hatches was removed leading to one of the finest examples of British understatement This is a direct quote. He said I went out to check several times until I was satisfied that the fire was out I did stand to one side sort of hopefully he went out to check several times until I was satisfied that the fire was out. I did stand to one side sort of hopefully.

He went on to say, but if you're staring straight at the core of a shutdown reactor, you're going to get quite a bit of radiation. Big boss brawl, I think so. Best wish you with a future of the Bugle Chris Curks. Thank you, Chris. That is a brassyassy bullsy move. And if you've ever styled steds into the call of a shutdown reactor, please email in to... Honestly Andy, I felt like I was doing that during that last pund run. Oh come on John, old curious, old curious city shop. Oh come on man,

that took hours of crafting at the cul face of jokes. Ha, ha, ha. This email came in on the subject, flipping Mitt Romney the Bird. I'm listening. Dear Andy, John and Chris, have edited the two words before Chris out. As a long time bugle listener and first time emailer,

I've long thought of what I might share with you. How could I possibly contribute to this beloved compendium of uttering anity? Thanks very much. Take that as a compliment. And then when listening to your detailed description of Mitt Romney's campaign, I remembered a moment from his 2002 campaign for Governor of Massachusetts. I was 17 years old, and in attendance at a parade in the Massachusetts town where I grew up with a few neighbours.

At when, a smiling, waving mitt walked by. To my horror, my neighbours called him over to tell him what big fans they were and how they planned to vote for him. He then turned to me and asked if I was going to be voting for him in the fall. And in a defining moment in my life, I smiled wide and extended my middle failure. Oh well done. Being in the middle of a public place and not able respond to Nanga to the obnoxious teenage flip thing him of before him. Romney simply smiled wide and walked away.

My neighbours were outraged and went back to tell my father of my delinquency. He listened with a stern expression and when they finished, turned to me and said, good girl. No! Please, please accept as my nomination of my father for bugle parents of the year. Well, today's... That bird was well said then, Andy, and the bird stands now. Today is an adult with a career.

I would likely not flip off a bell of politician in public, but every time I see Mitt Romney, I get a twinkling my high smile, thinking of the man who had to take a bratty, angsty teenager flipping him off with an expression the same as if a sweet old grandma had invited him for tea. But every time I see Mitt Romney, I get a twinkle in my eye and smile, thinking of the man who had to take a bratty, angsty teenager flipping him off with an expression the same as if a sweet old grandma had invited him for tea. And I give the TV the bird just for a old time's sake.

Thanks for all the bullshit to Nix in New York. To Nix, you're a hero. Have you ever flipped the bird to a prominent politician? And lived to tell the tale. Please email us info at thebugelpodcast.com. There's great email here from David Stortu says, dear Andy Chris and John in no meaningful order other than alphabetical, that is honest. That is honest ordering. In my random forays into Wikipedia wonderland,

I'll discover the following information about the first director of the Secret Intelligence Service, Captain Sir George Mansfield Smith coming, KCMGCB, 1st of April 1859, 14th of June 1923. Now according to Wikipedia entry, he pioneered the use of semen as invisible ink. That's all just paused to let that fact sink in. He goes on to say, entirely appropriate, giving the last part of his name. Apparently, his agents adopted the motto, Every man, his own style, though.

These agents included Augustus, a garpole, Dukes, John Bucken, Compton McKenzie and W. Somerset Maum. The idea of these illustrious pillars of the empire, desperately beating one off to beat the hunt causes me much amusement. Apparently, he goes on to say, the use of sea windows in the visible ink was ceased because of the smell it produced for the eventual receiver. Oh dear, it also raised questions over the master mastery habits of the agents, brackets, no shit.

Well, I mean, that is all a piece of history that none of us can really get out of our heads now. That's probably a fact that's going to stay in there for a while. So, thank you so George Mansfield Smith coming. Yeah. Thank you. Well it's wonderful to know that the part that was played by some of the parts being played with some of our most illustrious citizens. Everyone did their bit for the war effort and they was won by Spitfires and Loves Lodge. Well it's hard to know how to follow that so I think we should probably just wrap things up for the week. Yes. Very much for listening.

On that note. Yep. Do keep any emails coming in preferably not about the use of bodily fluids in the history of the British Empire. To info at the Bugle Box stop card. I think we're all probably suspicious that there are many other examples. I'm not opening or touching any letters that get into us.

Did you want to know what the Nicholas Nickle would be joke whilst you're on? Nope. I'm happy living in peace, Andy. Really? Why don't we just imagine that you type that on invisible ink? I'm not sure that's, I think that's probably worse, John. Ha ha. I'm not sure about that, Andy.

Just before we go time for the Bugle forecast, and John, you are off to Gabon. Yes, I'm off to some filming. I'm off to Africa for two days, Andy. It's a long way to go for a joke. This joke would have been funny. Yes, I'll be in Gabon for two days. So hopefully I'll be back this time next week. I'm due to be here this time next week. And it's probably worth listening for no other reason of seeing what that level of tiredness does to the human body. It's going to be an audio case study in exhaustion.

I'd imagine that at least 30% of the population have gone, listen to the bugle. Well, you know, I can't disprove that yet, Andy, but I'm relatively confident we'll be able to disprove it to you next week. Ha, ha. So the forecast is, is John going to be back?

Or is he going to become a political prisoner? It's touching, touching, go. Touch and go. I just don't know where to put my money on this one. Tough one. Yeah, I don't know who you put the spread with. That's it, Muglers. Goodbye from me, Andy Zoltzmann.

And goodbye from future warlord, John Oliver. Goodbye! you