The Bugle - Bugle 183 – Bugle Lady Special

Episode Date: February 18, 2012

It's been a bad week if you are of the opposite gender to Andy and John, so The Bugle shows some sisterly solidarity.May contain mentions of the Taleban, and Rick Santorum Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello, Bugleers and welcome to issue 183 of the Bugle audio newspaper for a visual world with me and his ultimate live in London, where I benched 250. Sorry, I'm really my gardening catalogue. One bench, 250 pounds. That was a mistake. And in New York City, it's John Oliver. Hello Andy. Hello, Bugleers.

Well, since I talked to you last week, Andy, I have been to Africa and back. Basically, around the world, I've been like a lightning quick, filius fog, but with access to hottails and mid-range meal options. I was in Caboan in West Africa for a couple of days shooting a piece for the Daily Show. And while I can't talk too much about the piece

until we finish it, I will say, I had a strange moment at airport security and Gabon Airport early yesterday morning, Andy. Now, they speak French in Gabon and unfortunate product of colonialism. Sadly, that don't speak English much at all, which would of course have been a far superior unfortunate product of colonialism. Sadly, that don't speak English much at all, which would of course have been a far superior unfortunate problem of colonialism, albeit with fractionally less fancy words. I only had carry on baggage, as I was there for just two days.

While I'm shooting, Andy. That sounds like you only had baggage that you know, we just immediately make people make dubalant tenders and run around with big breasts. Is that what? And what? And what? What I'm shooting, I have to carry makeup with me because the show's now in HD. What I'm trying to shoot, you're shooting, John.

What I'm shooting. What I'm trying to tell you is that one of the security guards pulled my makeup out of my bag suspiciously and asked me what it was. I managed to say in broken French that it was make up, poor Montvizage, and he was perfectly happy with that answer. Only I then, for some reason, felt compelled to try to explain to him in increasingly shattered French

that I actually worked for a television program and that was why I needed it, not for leisure use. I may have even attempted to say the phrase pasca hd at some point. It was a linguistic low point for John Oliver Rande. I'm not gonna lie. I've butchered the French language like the French butcher cows

with finesse and reckless imagination. Okay. So this is Bugle 1, 8, 3 for the week beginning Monday, the 20th of February. As we record, it's the 17th of February, a year to the day since the Libyan protests began. I won't tell you what happened in case any of you have got loads of recordings of the new stored up on your TV and don't

know the final score. Also a year to the day since Bloody Thursday in Bahrain, where today protests and violence are still going on, and yet Bahrain still found the barefaced balls to join the Arab League in urging Syria to stop being such an insufferable dick to its own people. I guess either shows a, quite how much of an insufferable dick Syria is being, or b, the barring government has the self-awareness of a dinosaur and a fishing chip shop shouting your dead AHHHHH at a piece of headache. Or possibly even that the sea, the barring government, just has an incredible sense of humour. I mean, cringe comedy is not really my kind of thing, but kind of how I have to admire it.

As always, a section of the video is going straight to the end. This week, part one of a new Safety in the Kitchen, Doos and Don'ts audio series. And part one is a don't. Did I turn this on? AAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAA! That's a don't, Andy, right? That is a don't, that is a...

That's a don't, okay. I was just worried that you were suggesting that was a kitchen doom at some point there. That's a kitchen don't. Okay. Top story this week! All the women independent through your heads of every ladies round up. And the what a week for the ladies it's been or Paula Femme as you might say if you were trying to explain what make up was to a French speaker before explaining that was actually interestingly also Paula Homme in many situations as well.

That first some good lady news. Ladies are still very much the Democratic majority on earth. 51% Andy, they've gone us numerically outnumbered. That's a math fact. Sadly, not all the other lady news is quite as good as that. Egypt, lady news now. Egypt is a country in transition, but they're going to have to decide what kind of country that they want to transist into, especially lady-wise.

Do they want to be lady-friendly? Or not lady-friendly, Andy. Egypt is a country with a general attitude to the equality of the sexes, only slightly less ancient than their pointy buildings. In Egypt, only men are accepted as natural-born leaders, as they believe that only men possess the necessary talent to lead in the form of the entirely coincidental ownership of natural-born penises.

And let's be clear, it's not like either Britain or the US has a particularly stellar record in political equality. America itself has still not had a female president. It's not like a key part of any presidential inauguration is still, please, place your hand on the Bible and your penis on the podium. Britain has only had one female prime minister,

but we did have her for 11 years. Now you might say, that doesn't seem that bad. Margaret Thitch, Thatcher is so pretty and charismatic. You're thinking about Merrill Streep. You're thinking about Merrill Streep there. Now we also had Tony Blair. Also, in real terms, John Margaret Fatcher was an ox. The close to America ever came

with probably Calvin Coolidge on his feminine Friday, but those have largely faded from history now. Well, we also had Tony Blair for 10 years, and you might think, well, how's that relevant? He's not a woman. Besides, he was so talented and seemed to be able to play whatever political part was required of him you're thinking of Merrill Street again. You're thinking of Merrill Street that's your mistake. You're right in saying that Britain and America are not particularly good when it comes

to gender equality in politics. The UK has the 49th equal highest proportion of women in the lower house of parliament level with Eritrea and Uzbekistan. Whilst the America is 70 first equal, that's level with Turkmenistan and 1% ahead of North Korea. So holy shit, is that true? So things are not going quite as well as they could have been. In terms of Mrs. Pankhurst not getting increasingly stroppy in her grave. I'm not saying all women should be MPs, John. But what I am saying is that 30% of all male MPs and male representatives in whatever America called its lower house

should be randomly selected for sex change operations. I think that would also weed out those who weren't fully committed to their political beliefs rather than personal aggrandizement. But that's not the point when it comes to Egypt. The point is that the promise of a new free-egypt post-revolution does not seem to be getting extended to women, despite the role that they played in the revolution itself. Even at the height of the protest in Torea Square last year, when women bravely bucks the conventions of society and turned up to join the demonstrations, some men yelled at them, go back home and feed your babies, to which the natural human responses, cough and don't be such an asshole. But sadly, in some societies, women aren't allowed the joys of using such elegantly-cough-ded come combat as those. In the new Egyptian Parliament, there are only nine women MPs out of some 508 seats.

That sounds pretty bad, but it sounds even worse when you find out that under Mubarak, there was a legal quota of at least 64 women MPs or 12% of Parliament. You really don't want to be less good at something that a man who was just hounded from office and is on trial for human rights abuses. That just does not look good. And it's true in some of the other Arab spring states as well, Tunisia tradition, very liberal when it came to women's rights, has elected an Islamist government, a moderate Islamist government. But a lawyer and activist in the Tunisian Association of Democratic Women's Sider-Garach says that she has never been so worried about women's freedoms as she is now in Libya, a senior

lecturer in Middle East politics from the University of London said, I think, whether the Islamic laws will eventually bite is in the rights of women. They've already declared in Libya that polygamy rules will be relaxed. And who knows where that is going to go. John, this does not sound like quite the utopian revolution. That's, we all got so excited about in our armchairs here in the West, after trying so hard to create the conditions where, you know, an appalling leader like Bernali could be overthrown by tacitly keeping him in power for 25 years, so that he became so complacent

and therefore unprepared for the homegrown revolution that we indirectly helped to create by not doing anything. Oh God, we're such long term strategists. I know. We're always thinking 400 steps ahead. Yeah, it's like chess. We're like Gary Kasparov, but more so. Part of women's problems in Egypt seems like it might be women themselves. Last year's parliamentary elections suggested that Egyptian women simply don't vote for women. So are women their own worst enemies? Andy, no, men are.

Men are women's worst enemies. But women might be their second worst enemies. No, sorry, wrong again. That's alligators. Alligators are their second worst enemies. But women are their third worst enemies, Andy. That's the point. When Gaddafi, he certainly had his flaws as a leader. He had a lot of flaws. I mean, he was the Empire State Building of leaders

in a man-hattan of despotic dickwards. But... Oh, Andy, hold on, hold on, hold on. You don't just breeze over a centric spot. You stop and enjoy it. That's... You've just served up a linguistic dish of excellence there. Don't wolf it down and then take a swig of Coca-Cola.

He was by some standards, something of a feminist. Not by all standards. Back that up. Back that up by one standard. Well, I mean, he had a Ukrainian nurse. He had, you know, he had a Ukrainian nurse. He had, you know, he another issue, the fact there are only nine women in a 500-nate strong Egyptian Parliament. If women want equal prize money at Wimbledon, then they should have the same number of MPs in the Egyptian Parliament. I can't help thinking that the Wimbledon Women's Champions only get nine 500-nates of what the men's

champion gets, If that's all they're going to contribute. Well, I think that's, I think you might want to run for chairman of the Alling-Guntennis club, anyway. Well, technically it was, it would be 9499th, so if you do, two, you get that one, anyway. Okay, all right, you've made your fucking point, anyway. Well, so the average male smoker gets through 14 cigarettes a day, women only smoke 13. Women should smoke more, John. Do you know that? The equality has to apply across the board.

Pallet is thank you, Billy Jean King. You've opened this can of worms. For the legal power in Egypt, as you mentioned Andy, has shifted into the hands of the Islamists, the Muslim brotherhood and the ultra conservative Salafi's control more than 70% of the seat in parliament. And a prospect that worries women who are seeking equality on social matters

such as education and divorce. The ultra conservative Salafis have said that they're more than happy to grant women divorce, but rather than the right to divorce their husbands, the Salafis will be divorcing women from their rights instead, citing irreconcilable differences between the two. Egypt is in a real mess at the moment. It's in a high-grade pickle.

Tourism has slumped local authorities cannot even pay for rubbish collection, and the country is currently literally festering in a pile of shit. Dumps of garbage are being left alongside the sides of a road, and in one car or suburb, piled up into 10 meter, 32 feet high, mountains of filth. Those Egyptians, Andy, even in the worst of times,

they can't help but stack things into massive periods. Ha! Also, you have to think, John. I mean, I don't know a lot about Sphinxes, but when they dump, they really dump. Ha! Ha! Ha! It's good luck shoveling that out and using it as mulch. One Egyptian woman said,

the problem facing women here is very grave. Politics is controlled by male muscles. And not just male muscles, Andy, but increasingly ludicrously juiced up muscles covered in a jersey and amount of spray tan. Afghan lady news now, and while Afghan women have got it pretty sweet, Andy, where access to heroin is concerned. Unfortunately, where everything else is concerned, they are in an oppressive whirlpool of pain.

While things have certainly improved for women since the Taliban ran the country, well, you know, not run the country so much as they gripped the country in the fist and squeezed it until the pips came out. But unfortunately, regarding the Taliban and their attitudes towards women, there are fears that that particular reactionary rooster may be coming back home to roost. The Taliban has you towards women. It's literally prehistoric, as we all know, in that they think women should live in caves and be beaten with sticks. And their moreish misogynies, wearing its bearded head, with the news that the Afghan government

has requested that female television presenters Don Hedskars and avoid heavy make-up, which is pissed off journalists, who argue that the movie's proof, the authorities expect the Taliban to regain a share of power when the Americans leave. There is a slight angle on this story, John. In that, apparently, female television presenters in Afghanistan were already wearing headscarves and avoiding heavy makeup. Right. And it was really this suggestion that the government is just pandering to the Taliban. It's not as if Afghan lady newsreaders had been coming on tape looking like Joan Collins

in Dynasty. This is pretty much keeping things under control. I mean, I've never really liked the Taliban, John. I mean, I don't want to offend any Taliban fan. I don't know, I'm going on too much of a living here. But I would personally, wouldn't vote for them unless they promised me at least a 2P in the pound income tax cut. And that, for someone living in a Western democracy, that is about as hostile as it's

possible to get. But they just don't seem like the kind of guy's, John, who would be much fun on an evening out in the Snooker Club, the Taliban. They just sit there in the corner complaining about how colorful the balls were and then casually leaving through a catalog of global artistic monuments and circling the ones they'd most like to knock it down. It's not my kind of people, John. As the old Frank Sinatra song goes, Taliban and women's rights go together like a horse and a French restaurant.

If I'd had your vocal range, I could have sung that, John. I just don't understand why you didn't. It's not about singing it well Andy, it's about singing it loudly with confidence. There have been many, many examples of pressure on the press in Afghanistan over the last year, including throwing acid on a veteran Afghan journalist and preventing a Turkish soap opera from being aired. And presumably, those are the two ends of that particular, suppressive spectrum, preventing a soap opera from being on TV and throwing acid in someone's face is a situation escalating very quickly.

India lady news now and in the Connecticut State Assembly, the Minister for Women and Child Development has been caught watching pornography on a mobile phone during a parliamentary session. Now that is in that job, John. Wow. It is hard to pass that office research. Hard. Not impossible, but hard. It's certainly difficult. Oh, yeah. To hide a degree of difficulty, that particular swung-dive power. It's a high degree of difficulty, that particular swan die for power. He and two other politicians were caught. They've denied they were deliberately looking at the cyber-growth, but it just looks bad,

John. It really, really looks bad. Hold on. They're arguing with us that they were not deliberately looking at pornography. It was an accident, wasn't it? My parents were looking up some statistics online and instead ended up watching a seven-minute clip of Edward Penis' hands. It happens, Andy.

It's a very simple mistake. And they were probably watching to the end of the clip of Edward's Penis' hands to see if the statistics were there at the end of it instead of just a man's grimacing face at some credit starting to roll. And we do know that Ron Jeremy's latest film was entitled UN Report on Childbirth and Infant Mortality Rates in Southern India. We know that. It's easy to make these mistakes. I think that was the only available porn title

left in the world now. But also, Andy, let's give them some credit. That is a way to, actually, that would be phenomenal. A series of porn based around you ended baits. Major pieces of legislation. That's a whole spin off there. Well, political fetish porn. But the point is, it's a pretty impressive way to go out Andy,

watching pornography and parliament. That beats a resignation speech any day. That really beats some bullshit about how I want to spend more time with my family. In fact, I don't think any politician should ever be allowed a press conference to announce a resignation from now on. They should instead have to sit in Parliament, watch porn, and then let nature take its course. If you're a tremendous system, a Parliament you do bite going on, then suddenly, the sound from someone's mobile phone of squeaking and moaning, and the journalist saying, oh, it looks like the congressman is not going to run for a third term next year.

Well, that squeaking moaning,aning. Turned out it was just him watching a Christina Agrileira video. Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! And early to mid-2000s music slap. Sorry I'm not quite out with it. I'm surprised he was back in tempo. Oh yeah actually you're right we should be focusing on that. That was alarmingly up to date. It was 21st century. Yeah, that's right, I should have gone with the Reether Franklin. LAUGHTER A MIRRICAN LADY NEWS American lady news now, and America is actually a pretty good country to be born a lady,

and until a few things happened last week that have made that significantly less the case. In fact, no one could blame American women here. If they all suddenly decided to leave the country saying, that's it, we're f**king out of here. This is complete bullshit. There has been a debate on contraception the last week. So ludicrous that pardon me, was wondering whether in fact a performance art piece

to make a little question how terrible it would be to live in a country where something like this could actually happen. Either that always an ambitiously elaborate practical joke just to wind women up with everyone showing almost superhuman commitment to the bit and not one person, not one single person suddenly bursting out laughing and saying, oh sorry I can't do this it's just the look on their lady faces. They're so angry and understandably so. What we're discussing here is almost the brand new definition of myopic. Now, here's what's been happening here, and if you're a woman,

you may want to board up the inside of your windows before you listen to this, so that you'll bounce back into the room when you try and throw yourself through the window in frustration. The battle is over whether religiously affiliated institutions should be mandated to offer full contraception health insurance coverage for female employees. It's worth noting that actual religious institutions, actual houses of worship are exempt from this, but affiliated institutions such as charities or universities are supposed to provide any employees with insurance that provide birth control. It's worth noting as well, their employees don't have to use that. This is not about force-feeding Catholics,

the contraceptive pill, funneling it down their mouths. If you're against the use of contraception, you don't have to use it, Andy. It's just providing people with the choice to, oh boy, there's that word that gets Catholic so angry. There's that, not the choice, not the option.

It's the option to use it, should they want to? It's giving a woman right to option. Yeah, but that's a slippery slope, John, isn't it? Right. Because, you know, you give women a right to option stuff, and then, you know, we've done a couple of years there, carving tits into Mount Rushmore, aren't there? We've all seen it happen.

I think that's basically the concern. It's carving tips into Mount Rushmore, back, is that one of those UN porn movies? Oh, God. There was a congressional hearing on this, with a congressional oversight committee chaired by Darryl Issa, who is a medically diagnosed arsehole.

And that's not an opinion, that's a scientific fact. And it featured an all-male panel. All men. Not a single woman, Andy. And that thudding sound you hear is hopefully American women bouncing back into the room after trying to throw themselves through their newly-borded up window in frustration. Pick yourself some, ladies, because I'm not done. The board also called witnesses to testify absolutely not of which were female. Zero. There's that thudding noise again. Good work ladies, you bordered

those windows up real good. To be fair though, John, I mean, men can see both sides of this because men began inside a woman. True. And then they've come out as men, whereas women have just spent their whole pre-life and actual life. Right. On the feminine side of the fence. So what perspective can they possibly bring? That is a far better point than came up in any of those congressional hearings, aren't they? Rick Santorum, who's proven to be quite an entertainer, has some... He's a lady killer. He's a lady killer. In the sense that he likes to kill the souls and belief in human nature of anyone with an

ex-chromo zone. He responded to the Susan G. Cummins Foundation's decision to retract funding from planned parenthood for breast health care services. By saying, I don't believe breast cancer research is advanced by funding an organisation that does abortions where you've seen ties to cancer and abortions. Now, aside from the wait, wait, what? Grammatical nonsense. You do have to slightly question Mr Santorum's scientific qualifications for this, bearing in mind that the scientific community has concluded pretty much unanimously that abortion has absolutely no link to breast cancer at all. On that side of the fence you have the World Health Organization, the US National Cancer Institute, the American Cancer Society,

the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, and the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, and the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists in Britain. And on the other side, you have Rick Santorum, whose qualifications as a medical research scientist, including that he once went for a donkey ride with a grape in his ear to see if it would affect his balance. And when suffering from a cough,

he growled the Steppenwolf classic, born to be wild, five times over in his kitchen, using a baguette as a pretend microphone to see if it would clear up his throat. It did, but he then suffered tons of light as a result. I mean, that isn't true, John. In fact, he has even fewer qualifications than this. That's worse. He didn't do either of those.

Like, you even less qualified. Well, that is chilling. Now, let's be fair. Rick Santora is a strong supporter of a woman's right to shoot. Santora, you just made it up. You just made him plural, John. He's a strong supporter of a woman's right to shut up and let other people decide about what

she should do with her body. He's very much pro-choice in terms of them choosing to shut the f*** up. Santora's website states, every American should have access to high quality, affordable health care, with health care decisions made by patients and their physicians. Now that might make a woman say, hold on a second. Rick Santorum doesn't sound that bad.

Wait, ladies. Wait. Let the full Santorum come blasting through, because he is a staunch supporter of abortion, even in the case of rape. Even in the case of rape, telling CNN recently that a woman in that case should, and I quote, make the best out of a bad situation and accept the gift from God. Wow. I think women should say the same thing to Santorum Andy. After from now until the end of his weasley life, they seem in the street and kick him in the f***ing balls. Please accept this gift from God, Rick. This pointed-shoot gift to your plums. Why are you rolling around on the ground crying, Rick? Please make the best out of this bad situation. In fact, rejoice, because I believe another lady is coming over

to gift you with another high-vulocity nut shot. Praise be, Rick! God is graciously raining gifts into your groin or area. You f***ing dook! God does seriously need to look at his present buying strategy. Having advised women to make the best out of a bad situation, in this very bad situation, he has also today advised murder victims to look on the bright side and remember that they will have a real conversation stopper for St Peter at the pearly gates. And you know what was most funny about it St Peter, I just bought exactly the same chainsaw the previous weekend. Talk about ironic. I guess this goes to show John that two wrongs don't make a right, but they do make a right wing policy. And in other Republican science news, Stacey

Campfield, a Republican member of the Tennessee Senate, said in January, and Baron Mone, when I say January, I mean, January 2012, he said, most people realised that AIDS came from the homosexual community. It was one guy screwing a monkey, if I recall correctly, and then having sex with men. It was an airline pilot, if I recall. If I recall. if I recall. If I recall. If I recall. Yep. He continued to say, my understanding is that it is virtually not completely but virtually impossible to contract AIDS through heterosexual sex. And the people of Africa might slightly disagree with him on that one, John, unless... I was going to say, I'm not just being's just been in the country that's... Well, exactly. Doesn't really back up those scientific findings that he's recalls. Unless the 12 million women with HIV and AIDS in Sub-Saharan Africa are, in fact, all gay men, which, if it were true, would go down as arguably the most logistically impressive hoax of all time.

It might even beat Catholicism to that title. Now, I'm not saying Catholicism is the only religion that's a hoax, I'm just saying it's been the best organised one. And most profits of Mr Campfield who must wake up every day in his Derek's at the irony of his own name later quote the odds of heterosexual transmission of age at one in five million medical experts say the odds of transmission heterosexual sex between an infected male and a female are in fact Between one in five hundred and one in a thousand so mr. Canfield was merely between 99.98 and 99.99% wrong or very charitably only very slightly right

Here's an interesting, um, coder to this lady section, John. Amongst the best performing economies in the world currently, Norway, Sweden and Denmark, also have amongst the highest proportion of women in Parliament. Rwanda now has the highest, I think, about 56% of women in parliamentarians, that's the highest percentage in the known world. And they seem to be having slightly fewer abominable civil wars involved in the unbridled slaughter of women and children than they did when the guys were running the place.

So, I guess it's harder, than you look at these things, to indulge in the kind of reckless, damaging, short-term, dick swinging politics and economics that have left so much the world in such a mess, when you don't physically have a dick to swing. A lesson for us all, sisters. ["Boznews Now and Monday"] Booznews Now and Monday is the 79th anniversary

of Congress proposing the 21st Amendment to the US Constitution. Now that, John, is a lot of amendments considering it started with seven paragraphs and a preamble. Sounds like George Washington. One of them has been passing around some contraband grapple when the founding daddies, sorry, fathers, been spending too much on the kids. When they were scribbling it down, ten amendments were proposed eight days after they'd finished it, John. That is a classic sign of some major hangovers wearing off. Oh, did we forget freedom of speech in trial by jury? Oh, balls. I'm never drinking T.J.'s home made sliver of it's again. I've lost four whole days.

Anyway, Amendment 21 wasn't in effect. Deamendment 18, which had prohibited booze and a successful effort to boost the struggling gangstering industry, and they have now been 27 amendments, and contribute to the late great American detective Lieutenant Frank Colombo. Any further amendment will now be prefect for the words, just one more thing. But in American booze news, an American Indian tribe in South Dakota has sued some of the world's biggest beer firms over the alcohol-related problems in its community. In the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation, one in four children suffers fetal disorders caused by alcohol abuse. And the lawsuit names the nearby town of White Clay in Nebraska. In its suit now, White Clay clay Nebraska, there are four beer shops, John.

And in 2010, between them, these four beer shops sold nearly 5 million cans of beer. Now the population of white clay Nebraska. Did you say there were four beer shops? Yeah. Wow. Now, wow. And he guesses us to the population of the town of Whiteclane Nebraska. Well, I'm guessing, it must be...

It's millions, it's got to be millions, aren't they? Well, according to this internet report, it's described as having about a dozen residents. Now, assuming that they all like a tip. The drunkest place on earth. 12 smashed residents. As you know, that's a great limit here, isn't it? It's great. We need a fifth shop, though.

I think, because the line out of the door is ridiculous. As you know, they all like a tip, and why wouldn't they coming from Nebraska? That works out at 1,140 cans of beer per resident per day. Well, and also, Andy, presumably four of those residents are working in those shops as well. Ha, ha, ha. So, they've got to be pretty hammered on the job passed out at the till. One for you, one for me.

A lawyer representing the tribe, saying, you cannot sell 5 million 12-ounce cans of beer and wash your hands like Pontius Pilate and say that we've got nothing to do with it being smuggled. Because you might have thought it was for an art installation. Who knows about the dangers of excessive beer consumption. But I guess you can see it from the point of view of the American Indian tribe, they've lost their lands, their livelihoods, and it many cases of their lives in exchange for

epidemic, Christianity and casinos. It is no wonder they have hit the source, John. In fact, if it wasn't for a massive drinking problem, they would probably start in to get a little bit cranky about stuff. And in British booze news, the Prime Minister David Cameron set to call for bars and supermarkets in the drinking industry to do more to help ensure responsible drinking, which are two words that do not go happily together on this fair island of Archeon. He said that the scandal of drunkenness and alcohol abuse cost the NHS £2.7 billion a year.

But the flip side to this is in 2009 to 10. Alcohol duties raised £9 billion for the exchequer. That is a net profit of £6.3 billion, which suggests to me that government should be prioritising alcoholics for liver transplants. They need to get them back on their feet, indirectly funding mainstream society again. They shouldn't be giving MBs and night hosts to bankers and charity workers and sportsmen, and two of those three are true anyway. They should be giving them to drunken tramps who have sacrificed everything for the good of our economy, John. Not to mention the heroic efforts of our pissed-up teenagers to help control immigration, because people immigrate here because it is nicer than the shit pits they live in.

And if we can show them that our shit pits are just as bad as theirs by vomiting all over our town centres in an aggressive manner, they all think twice before they come here with their skills and their work ethics. These people are patriots, John. Patriots. On the surface of immigration, the government's schooled recently for all asylum-agreents wanting to move to Britain to be tested on their knowledge of British history which should be quite simple for many of them.

Question why you want to move to Britain, answer British history. In you come. Your emails now and well it seems that the Charles Dickens puns from last week have rather split proud. Didn't split me and he always had 100% clear about where I stood on that. the Charles Dickens puns from last week have rather split proud. Didn't split me Andy, always 100% clear about where I stood on that. Yeah, but you can be 100% clear, it'll be 100% wrong, John. This email came in from Ethan Lake, right? Steer Andy John and Chris in order of punk rafting for this.

Then my great expectations, I'd like to thoroughly congratulate you, Andy, on the creation of such a magnificent pun. Oh, oh no, don't do this. I very much doubt that another pun will ever be written to trump this one. You have my sincere admiration, your humble servant, Ethan, from Salt Lake City. Ethan, I'm guessing that's Ethan, I think. Ethan, not Ethan. I don't think it's sure for Ethan or. We don't know. We don't know. We just don't know. Let's not, let's, let's it's short for Ethan or. Well, we don't know. We don't know.

We just don't know. Let's not, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, there's a head job at some that one. Oh, there's a great, eh, well, from Judy Blale, uh, under the sunshine, please get the hell out of my dreams, which I believe was a Billy Ocean song at that point. Um, and she says, dear, jollyver and drip in us and fuck you, caress.

Oh, oh, that isollyver, and drip-ed-us, and f*** you, caress. Oh, that is a very, very good start. Having made the mistake of downloading all of the archive bugles from the RSS feed, I've taken to listening to them during every moment of my life. That is a huge human mistake. At first, this was a lovely way to pass time walking to and from classes, but recently things have taken a turn for the worst. For last night, I was plagued with a terrible dream.

In this dream, I was walking around my college campus eating under cooked noodles. Suddenly, a wild John Oliver appeared, gradly what appeared to be a baby wrapped in the bastard love chard of the British and the French flags. Like any fan of Dick Pantzer Vanity's Smurf, brackets, oh god, why do I know that? Cogs, brackets, I walked over to see him. Kalasmoa joy was short-lived because when John opened his mouth, he did not produce those sensual British veils, but instead honked like a goose and threw the baby thing at me.

I looked down to see what the info looked like, and it was a small, innocent soft baby with Andy's head screwed on top, complete with an alarming amount of orange hair. It helped, and I woke up in a cold sweat with a migraine that caused me to miss all of my classes that day. What the actual f*** guys, which is, that's an excellent phrase and question. Have I contracted some kind of bullshittic parasite that has latched onto my brain bits and then now poisoning my wants pure mind? Save me please, sincerely, Judy from Iowa.

Well, that's, that's pretty impressive, aren't they? Yeah, pretty impressive. Yeah. I just wanted to haunt a few people's dreams. Yeah, that's, that's good. Sure, so we're doing our job. You are asleep right now. Do keep your emails coming in to info at thebugelpodcast.com and you can follow the Bugel Twitter read at HelloBuglers which this morning retweeted some exchanges between David Cameron and Marmoud Ahmed in a jet. Oh that's nice. Yeah. Who's

who's Twitter hook is Ahmed in a jab, apparently. So sport now, and this from our marginal sports correspondent, Wal, semi-finals time at the World Ball little in championships in Australia, here at the Melbourne Derider Dome, Johnus is a second semi-finals just ended. Great Britain of Persmurch and disparage their way to a sensational victory over Marx-Fanjian Australia, all this despite these scoffer-roos opening strongliest, Glotton McGonagall pulled off a technically risky disparagement of the highly rated dead British playwright, Shakespeare, the young Melbourne slagger, Star casually dismissed the former

dramatist for a noun play, Hamlet, As Quotes, an elongated monotony of vapid predictability about a spineless self-important prick. But GB Skipper, Alweena, Straunch, Freshman, Big Money Transfer from the Manchester Deprecators to Deprecatsio Milan. Responded by dismissing number one ranked Spanish artist Pablo Picasso, was a glorified cartoonist and assisting chapel as a reasonable bit of graffiti, or right I suppose, if you're into new-demand wagging their fingers around and that kind of thing, while shrugging our shoulders and looking at our fingernails. And Britain's clinched victory when Australia's Russian-born superstar Darin Olegs,

Bivenichenko of Manogh, from the NBL franchise, the Portland Zing, derided British physics with the Isaac Newton's theory of gravity as, quote, the kind of half-bar schoolboy science that Einstein could have pissed out in his sleep and was penalised for excessive denigration. The Jubilant Brits, who ecstatically described their victories as nothing to write home about, go on to face reigning champions the USA for whom NBL All-Star Julia Mondigo was incinerating form. The Detroit downpeckers historic corner tilped the American semi against France their way. By passing off the defeat of Nazi Germany, the Second World War as, whoops, nice, if economically neither here nor there,

before landing a four-point downplay by describing the moon landings as, like throwing a screwed-up bit of paper into the only bin in a sparsely furnished office. Team USA's Richter was confirmed when Preble, chicken junior of the New York sneer, saw off France's full-john jambonneur of rail Madrid in the personal belittling showdown. Passing off jambonners impressive operatic baritone as a spirit-sappingly irritatingly nasal wine reminiscent of an asthmatic EEG before the stunned Jean Bonneur could only

respond by calling chicken a loser and questioning his personal hygiene. Referee Salmillion Calchuk, a judge of the comments have been outright insult and awarded chicken a penalty sneer. The snooze was there to be cocked and chicken not for the first time in his in-lastries career, cocked it. He called the defender's young runner morally worthless, spiritually squallied and unfit for whatever purpose he'd produced to grant himself. Before finishing him off by pooping the Frenchman's ability to juggle seven oranges as a sub-schoolboy

micro-skill, all set for a terrific final on Sunday, back to you in the studio. And I've been morphed from a marginal sports correspondent, well, probably in about 18 months time. That's it for this week, Bugle. That's it. That's it. Set two. Set two.

Thanks for having me. You must have blended in seamlessly, but in every way. Better seamlessly live blended in in Bangladesh a year ago. Ha ha ha. Thanks for listening, Bueglers. We'll be back with Buegl 184 next week. Goodbye. A Bieh-n-tou! you