The Bugle - Bugle 184 – Wangderlust

Episode Date: February 24, 2012

Following the Lady Special, now The Bugle presents a Man Special. Except the latest hot news on the 'Y' chromosome, and other droobler based stories. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello, Bugleers and welcome to issue 184 of the Bugle, audio newspaper for this most unremittingly visual of worlds with me and his ultimate live in Hangar Not Just Go and Check. Excuse me mate, what city is this? Garth! Thanks. In London. And joining me is the man who puts that heart into Manhattan,

the ooh, into New York, and the car into America. It's the Harbinger River everlasting doom himself. John Oliver. Hello Andy, hello viewers. Andy, I was doing stand-up in Charlotte, North Carolina last weekend. And rather than staying at a hotel, I stayed with my 94-year-old great-grandmother-in-law

in her retirement community. Now, I thought it might be nice to change her speed on the road and you know, a good way to spend a bit of extra time with her. Well, I hadn't thought about, at all Andy, was how difficult it was going to be to get back into the old people's home at one in the morning after my late show.

Not many people want to go into a retirement community at one in the morning, Andy, but I definitely did think about that problem when I got to the security gate at that time and no one was there. I thought about it a lot then, because I realized I had to climb over the fence with a bag over my shoulder,

knowing the security was probably doing the rounds, and my understandably run with a shoot first, ask questions later strategy, thanks, don't worry. I basically had to break into an old people's home at one in the morning, Andy. And as I was balanced with a leg either side of the security fence, I've had to drop on to the other side, it was one of those moments where you liked to stop for a second and ask yourself the question, what am I doing with my life? What is wrong with me? Why have I put myself in the position where I have to break into an old people's home?

This is not the behaviour of an adult human being and also this is no way to die. Basic cable comedian shot dead last night after attendees again introduced to a 94 year old woman's apartment at one in the morning. That's an exit from the world that negates anything you've done in your life time running up to that point Andy. Be the new fatty arbuckle but more so. Well of course the way to do that John if you ever find yourself in that situation again is just make sure you have a grim reaper costume with you because then they'll just wave you in. Oh, you're late. Room 23 to the day, please.

This is a bugle 184, 184, of course, the average number of corgi dogs interrogated by MI6 before they finally find one with strong enough royalist tendencies to be the queen's new dog. The rest either become stunt dogs for the innumerable Hollywood films about the royal family, or are used as baits in the royal New Year crocodile hunt at Sandriem, or a sol-tune Napoleonic war enthusiast Miley Cyrus to play the part of the Prussian army and her phenomenally bloodthirsty

canine recreation of the Battle of Waterloo. And this is for the week beginning Monday the 27th February 2012. Meaning that's for the first time in four years this week John, there's going to be a February the 29th. And do you know that people born on the 29th of February and Britain are not legally allowed to have sex until they're 64? And Jar Rule is one of the celebrities who was born on the 29 February in 1976 in fact, as I was sure you know from the tattoo on your own back, making him nine years old on Wednesday. So happy birthday, Jart. Why are you at school?

And this week's section in the bin, part two of our safety in the kitchen, do's and don'ts audio guides. This week, another kitchen don't. Oh, let's see if the roast is ready. Oh, balls. I forgot the roast is ready. Oh balls, I forgot the sprucily oven on. Come on kids, lunchtime! That was another kitchen don't. And you're becoming a comedic Phil Specter, like just a wall of sonic bullshit in terms of sound effects.

Yep. Yes, well let's hope that ends up better than the Phil's effect of story. If we were to be truly accurate, I'm Phil Spectre here and Andy is the Ronets. Oh boy. So that doesn't work out well either for you. Top story this week! Dudes News! And last week, Andy was a lady special, which will have been impossible for any mild bugleers to enjoy. As a lady news to men, it's completely confusing.

We have no way to relate to everyday female experiences, so with interest and balance, we're going to start this week with a number of stories for the 49% of the population who somehow managed to inexplicably earn on average 20% more than their lady counterparts were doing the same jobs. Having said that, all buglers regardless of gender have free tickets to the sausage first. I declare this WangTank Open! Men's health news and men are not going extinct. Yes! Awesome! We did it, Andy. Awesome news. We did it. We looked into the abyss and we survived because it turned out it wasn't actually in the abyss after all. It was just a very realistic painting of an abyss with a nice cream stall behind it.

There had previously been some research from Professor Jennifer Graves of Australian National University. A woman. Let's make that very clear. A lady scientist that the Y-sex chromosome, which only men carry, was decaying genetically so fast that it would be extinct in just five million years, which really made you think at the time, what's the point of going on now, though?

We should either just give up or get breast implants put on a Victorian ladies bonnet and live out the rest of our lives as our female alter ego, Betsy LaRue. Ha ha ha. Now, Professor Jennifer Graves was actually not alone in this theory because genetics professor called Brian Sykes in his book, Adams Curse,

a future without men, also predicted the end of the Y chromosome, but thought it might take us a little as 100,000 years. Well, f***** you, Jennifer! And you should be ashamed of yourself, Brian, because men aren't going anywhere, and you are a disgrace to your own balls, Brian, so you are not worthy of the Wang, because you should have known deep down in your plums. The genetics are not going to destroy mankind, it will be some ludicrous mistake of our own doing. Personally, I'm a bit disappointed that it's turned out that we're not going extinct

because I can only really work to deadlines and knowing that once a great gender only had another 5 million years would have really focused on mine and what we really want to achieve as a gendered young. And I just feel now we're just going to drift, just carry on drifting. I mean, what have we really done since collagula? That's a fair question. Now, the good news is that new studies show that genetic decay in recent history has been minimal with the human chromosome having lost no further genes in the last six million years and only one gene in the last 25 million years. And to quote a professor Mark Pagel from Reading University, there's a future for males

in the very long term. Going on to say that the new reports are a very nice piece of work, showing that gene loss in the male-specific region of the Y-chrome was on-procete rapidly at first, exponentially in fact. But then reaches a point at which purifying selection brings this process to a halt. He then grabbed his balls and he said, I've got your research findings right here buddy! Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo I think in the audio you're going to have to do was run out the clock and wait for just five million years for us to evolve into women as well. Well, too bad.

Because in five million years, I'm going to be standing on a mountain top in triumph, oiled up and flexing my pecs. Again. Again. You've got to start doing different photo shoots, John. You just can't have the same shot every year for five million years.

And if it is broke, refuse to fix it. That's my motto. Peter's news now, and off the back of the... There's no easy way of saying that, is there? In the words of Wolf Blitzer. Of the back of the ridiculous contraception discussion still taking place in America, some members of the Georgia House of Representatives have come up with an interesting way of combating them, introducing their own reproductive rights plan, no more versectamies that leave, are quote, thousands of children deprived of birth.

Representative Yasmin Niel's bill, HB1116, would prevent men from getting vasectomies unless needed to avert serious injury or death. Well played ladies, it seems like you have learned the ways of the douche from watching us at work. The student has become the master. I mean what, I mean, I don't know how many scenarios that would apply in, you know, if you, when you need to, I've sector me to a, a serious injury. I mean, it's quite, that's quite a narrow field, isn't it? Well, they're just wanting to make sure that that's covered though, but that's just good bill writing. It's, it's really great to see, uh, politicians such as, uh, Yasmine Neal responding to idiotic politics with

joke politics. That is what America clearly needs. Lowering the bar further and further. And in fact, the bill, the joke bill, is beautifully written. It says, it is paitingly unfair that men avoid the rewards of unwanted fatherhood by presuming that their judgment over such matters is more valid than the judgement of the general assembly. It is the purpose of the general assembly to assert an invasive state interest in the reproductive habits of men in this state, and substitute the will of the government over the will of adult men.

Holy shit, Andy! That is some black belt level legislative douche baggery. But they should have taken it one step further and forced all the old men who've already had a sector he's done to have them painfully reversed instead. And then that might... And then that might... I'll certainly inseminate women. Yes, that's exactly. I think that might turn a decisive number of votes towards a more realistic attitude towards a woman's right to choose.

I think, yes, I'm nearly as possibly in line for a bugle, big brass ovaries award. And at some point, John, I think the pro-life law in America is going to have to address the issue. Should sperms have the votes? And if so, should it be one sperm, one vote, or one a Jackie's plaid's one vote? That's the, well that's a very difficult one for the, I don't know if is that covered in the US Constitution

or not? Well, don't know. I mean, they were way ahead of their time, but not quite that far. Because I guess time's gonna come, John, when scientists can analyze every sperm in the world and every egg in the world and work out how they would vote if they fertilized each other.

And they have done some preliminary research on this. It turns out that sperms are actually very left wing, but eggs are quite right wing, which is why Republicans are so scared of gay marriage. But absolutely love lesbians, I think. I'm not a scientist. But the fact of sperms are left-wing, John, they're almost Stalinist, in fact, in that only one of them gets to achieve anything and millions of them die for nothing. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha on to say, there are too many problems in this state. Why are you under the skirts of women? I'm sure there are other places to be. Oh yes, men. That is where your otherwise flawless argument falls apart. For there is no other place to be than under women's skirts, one can build a fort under there. Take a picnic and read a book. There's no place a man feels safer

or more at home than hiding underneath a woman's skirt. I believe that Winston Churchill delivered most of his Key World War II addresses from underneath some specially selected ladies' skirts. He said he helped him concentrate and made the acoustics much better. We will fight them on the beaches. We will fight them in the air. Keep still, Brenda. Stop shuffling around. I'm trying to read. We will never surrender.

Brenda, you could have given me a courtesy heads up there. Qualified satirists. Qualified. Qualified. In fact, George is not the only state fighting back against Ben's reactionary involvement in women's health issues. Because only this month in Oklahoma, Senator Constance Johnson proposed a provision to an anti-abortion bill that read, any action in which a man ejaculates or otherwise deposits semen anywhere but in a woman's vagina shall be interpreted and constructed as an action against an unborn child.

She basically attempted to ban masturbation and death. The only problem would have been if they called her bluff. This had actually passed this bill and America essentially criminalized being a 13-year-old born. 13-year-old Billy, you're accused of ejaculating or depositing seabed somewhere other than a woman's vagina. How do you plead? Oh god, Billy, what are you doing?

Not here. Officer, take him to jail. I'm gonna take that as a physical guilty plea. I'm sorry, Your Honor. It's just you said vagina. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. I was going quite blue this week, are you?

I, well, I just about to go one step blue because finally, in Virginia, in January, the state center there divided a bill that required women to have an ultrasound before an abortion. So Democrat Janet Howe attached an amendment to the bill that required men to have rectal exams and cardiac stress tests before they could receive Viagra.

Again, Andy, that is legislative kung fu. But forced rectal exams, okay that's enough ladies, you have major points. But I've lived my life under the very strict rule that a conversation that features the phrase forced rectal exams is a conversation that has got way out of control. That was not a good name to choose for your first band, was it John? In other Wang news now and a British man has been fined £150 for wandering around with his plums and plonker out. Nigel Kier, a 41-year-old naked hiker, was caught, well I caught, he was seen in float, well not in float, he was just walking naked through the countryside and he was given a 150-pound fine for, quote, causing alarm or distress by just wandering around with his

frumper and the murder troids wobbling about all over the place. And it doesn't make me think John. If you quote a policeman who caused him was quoted as saying he was wearing nothing and this isn't that on the Daily Mail's website and possibly in their newspaper as well. I don't know what I don't buy the newspaper. He was wearing nothing but a pair of walking boots and a backpack. And I could clearly see his P. Asterisk, Asterisk, Asterisk S, and genitals. LAUGHTER Wow. What an overabundance of genitals, man, had.

I don't know, was that piled? I don't know, I could see him with a much better problem. Pills. Pills. Oh, right, okay. But anyway, that's going to show the extent of the prudering involved. But also, it makes you think, John, I mean, this seems a bit unfair for just walking around as God intended, you know, as we all enter the world, knackers out, you know, can, in fact, the Almighty Lord actually be sued

for making a gentleman's dangle so heinously offensive to the legal system. Well that's a good question because in court the man was fined £150 and ordered to pay another £150 in costs after he was found guilty of causing alarm or distress. And what I love about this story is it's amazing to be able to put an exact monetary amount on the distress that someone seeing your penis can cause. I think they may have actually set a dangerous precedent. There's an idiotic primal male instinct

to compare penises and if all kinds of different things from the results, and this might be a new one. The financial cost of distress in someone being exposed to your penis. I think people may now be flying from all over the world to hike naked, get arrested, and have a British magistrate rule on how much alarm their penis was. I order you to pay a fine of £170. Yes! I knew it! I knew I had a distress in penis!

And you, I order you to pay a fine of £30. What? Why? Oh god, what's wrong with me? Oh no, this is a nightmare. It was very cold outside that day, Your Honor. I demand a retrial. Well, it's a serious design for John aesthetically and practically both the Fludge Arts and the Trangle Horn. And personally, I think it's time that God was brought to book on this.

He really let himself down in a number of ways. In November, Switzerland's highest court ruled a ban on naked hiking in a district of Switzerland was legal. So it turns out that Switzerland thinks that going through a wander through the mountains with your scrankles out is worse than Nazi Germany. They weren't too sure about Hitler, but to give him credit, Lisey kept his underpants on. That is true. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I would not either say I'm narrow or celebrity but hello, yes, I'm back. It's Tom. It's Tom. Hey.

He's former producer and straighter to his country. Yes. Straighter to his hemisphere. And it kind of stopped you there. The main reason why I moved away was to see my country in its true form. John knows that. You moved thousands miles away, and suddenly you're next to it.

On everything, what do you say? You look back down on earth for the first time. I keep buzz-oldering. Actually, it's like being a time traveler. It's like coming back to the 19th century, but anyway. Yeah, hello. It's of course, new buglers, maybe to us, Tom was our old producer.

He's a franchise holder of the f**k you, Chris Tag. No, a **** Tom, he's the franchise holder of the **** Chris tag. No, no, no, no, John, sorry, let me stop you there. When I was in charge of the bugle, we were paid by a large media organisation, a reputment that was the most trusted individual in the media. Yes, that is true.

I come back Chris and look what that is true. That is true. Most trusted man in the news, that's a bit of a strength. Yeah, that is maybe a bit of a strength. It might tweak a hamstring on that one side. That when you would even put a Chinese child gymnast through that guy. Just let me point out.

I live in Australia, a place where we put my dot controls even more than the UK. So that's all I'm married to. The coin over there, don't I? Yeah, pretty much. Yes. Well, he's now American, so don't actually like him that much. Oh, it's bad.

Are you implying that we had something to do with this? Well, I'll say that we are now not there anymore. I'll say something. I did get lost around here trying to find a dingy dungeon-like studio. I looked at this place and I thought, it's a furniture store. This is the wrong address. Andy's giving me the wrong f***ing address. Now, what I did was, it's clean, it's modern,

and it had nice chairs in the window. How was it, and I recall, in the bugle in there? That's right. We've moved up in the world. I haven't really had. And now we've were for was it, I know, we were calling the bugle in there. That's right, we've moved up in the world. Really have. And we've forcibly moved out from where we were before. A story appeared in the New York Times, and I was amazed, I was like, good on Chris.

So now I'm not saying, if you Chris. Yeah. Well, I think I've got a rapprochement. I just, wow. But I need to say it to someone, so, you, John, you. Oh, that felt good. It's like a, oh, it's like a Sonic trip home. I just need to give you some abuse about Liverpool and I'm pretty glad I didn't bring my farming skills.

He comes back, he swears three times. There's three additional bleeps. I may have had a few beers before cutting. Really? Yes. That's a risky, Scotsman and beer. Well, that's what we're about to find out. That does not always end well. That's what I'm going to do. I may have had a few beers before cutting, so. Really? Yes.

That's a risqué, Scotsman and beer, and thus. Well, that's a bit of a matter of fact, now that does not always end well. LAUGHTER Well, if we can resume our bugle, men's feature now, naughty male politicians, and where else to begin, but with the former IMF head, Dominique Strauss-Karne who has found himself in

various portions of trouble over recent months. He's a French rogue and a French rapist, depending on your view of his previous court case. Of which the court itself seems to have come down on the rogue side. So the sake of the program we're going to say overwhelmingly rogue. Anyway, Strauss Carter is later sprushed with the law, has been detained for questioning by French police investigating a prostitution ring, and he insistedly did not know that the women involved were prostitutes, and his lawyer came up with arguably the greatest

sentence of the millennium so far. He said, I challenge you to distinguish a naked prostitute from any other naked woman. How is Strauss-Carns a no-John? Where was the barcode you expect? The point is Andy, Dominic Strauss-Carn really does seem to be a class act. Point to his Andy, Dominic Strauss Khan really does seem to be a class act. No wonder he was head of the IMF and a front runner to be the next president of France, Andy. Class, class in a champagne glass.

Now I do think, though, like you say, this is a great, it's a phenomenal defense that Dominic Strauss Khan could not be expected to tell the naked prostitute from another woman. But it's a challenge I think is worth accepting, because it would be the first telling difference for a Dominique Strauss can. When he's confronted with a naked woman, and he's wondering whether she's a prostitute or not, do they have a receipt for you in their hands, do you, okay? Is their nakedness brought on by part of a broader agreed-upon transaction? Do you know the name of the naked woman in front of you?

And if she told you that her name is Tinkerbell or Flash Dance, the answer to that previous question is no. Does she have heroin needle track lines up her arm? A combination of any one of these things may be a good clue, but I guess the biggest reason I doubt, Dominique Strauss' cast defence of not knowing, is this question. Is a naked woman standing in front of you,K? Then she's definitely a prostitute. What woman would voluntarily do that for no financial reward? No woman alive, that who,

no woman alive, would disrobe in front of that bloated French weasel, unless there was some serious cash at the end of that dehumanising rainbow. Ha! He has found himself in various bits of trouble of late due to him suffering a debilitating medical condition, a condition that sexo clinicians describe as pecs, penile, explorative, curiosity syndrome. And Strasgrond just cannot seem to stop dowsling his drongle rod, whenever, wherever, and with whom ever possible. And his political career has now been seriously undermined by his uncontrollable wangder

lust. And he's admitted taking part in these orgies and said he had a quote uninhibited sex life, but he'd never paid a son team for it and that he has a horror of prostitutes and pimping. It's not quite enough of a horror to check whether or not prostitutes and pimps were involved, but a horror nonetheless. Let's give him a little cum some slack, John. He spent a night in the cells in a police station in Leole and Northern France, furnished

only with a thin mattress and quotes a hole in the floor toilet which has to go down as something of a risk. Which statistically probably, look, I mean, it just doesn't matter. He's a serious politician and he should be judged on his achievements as such. Not on the fact that he takes his overactive plunker as a guest of honor to sex parties the world over. Anyway, the most disappointing thing, John. What am I supposed to tell my kids? I'm, hmm. They've always been three things I've taught them to look up to in the world.

One, the IMF, two, the Italian government, and three Rick Santorum's every word. I don't know heroes anymore. BELL RINGS Meet question mark news now and Dutch scientists have used stem cells to create strips of muscle tissue with the aim of producing the first ever lab-grown hamburger. Well, it definitely sounds delicious, Andy. Will there be some lab-grown ketchup to spread all over it? At a major science meeting in Canada, Professor Mark Post

said synthetic meat could reduce the environmental footprint of meat by up to 60%. It's true, Andy. And it could also reduce the deliciousness of meat by around 100% as well. reduce the deliciousness of meat by around 100% as well. John, I mean, if this is removing the need to slaughter animals for meats, would the food taste as good without that feeling of evolutionary superiority you get? I don't want to arm tuck into a thread. So what I think to myself is, yes, Mr. Piggy,

I imagine you are now slightly regretting not having developed the mechanisms for industrialized slaughter, one-nil humans. The Dutch lab has grown small pieces of muscle about two centimetres long, one centimetre wide and about a millimeter thick. They're off-white and resemble strips of calamari. These strips will be mixed with blood and artificially grown fat to produce a hamburger by the autumn. Mmm, mmm, mmm, Andy. Is that the noise of my stomach rumbling? Or am I about to throw up at the thought of that sentence?

Either way, I'll take a lab burger to go, please, with some science cheese. I'll take it medium rare. And what's the free toy that comes with it? Is it a spin-off toy from the movie The Help? Now apparently, the cost of producing the hamburger will be 200200,000. Well now I want one, because now I feel like John Travolta and Pulp Viction, I just have to know

what a £200,000 hamburger tastes like. I'm guessing that the chef's main description would be scientifically edible or fits for human consumption. But any billionaire thinking of buying one to have the experience might like to pair it with a long cold glass of what the fuck is wrong with you? You have too much money, you fucking idiot. And there's actually also a side debate now around whether or not vegetarians could eat a lab burger. According to the vegetarian society, a vegetarian cannot eat any meat, poultry, game fish, shellfish, or crustacea, or the byproducts of slaughter. But it doesn't say

anything in there about some weird f***ed up science meat made with artificial muscle and blood, Andy. So I think they're good to go. Bon appétit, vegetarians. Welcome to the meat factory. Just get one of the umpulumpus to wonk you up a burger. Pugal feature section now and it's lent. Pancake day has been and gone, John, as I'm sure you know being a religious pancake eater yourself. And we are now in the countdown to the prominent Christian festival Easter. Itent is called Lent because St Peter had lent Jesus a hundred bucks or sheckles as they were known then. And Jesus had promptly fr owed to the wilderness, that was a celebrity retreat in the Holy Landia similar to the modern day the priori.

When Jesus returned it turned a blown most of the money on a flashing U5 speed donkey, which he then cruised into Jerusalem on to looking cool. Peter was a bit miffed and did his best not to let it affect his behaviour, which he then cruised into Jerusalem on, looking cool. Peter was a bit miffed and did his best not to let it affect his behaviour, which he mostly managed to rise above it, mostly but not totally. And as we know, he famously ripped Jesus was soon to inadvertently coin the term, pin up boy, and the rest is hotly disputed history. Anyway, as the result of Peter having to give up golf, having lent Jesus the money, he put aside for his green fees and hiring a golf donkey to whiz him round on the course. People now give up stuff for lent as a mark of respect.

And amongst the celebrity self-sacrifice this year, are actress Alyssa Milano, she's given up feigning knee injuries when losing at Scrabble, admitting I have to learn to embrace defeats as a learning experience. UK political gruever, George Osborne, has given up belching the national anthem before Cabinet meetings, said a tiffle Osborne yesterday. I think it sets a nice patriotic tone but David thinks it undercuts his own under-on squalchy version. Madonna, the penicillin pop-pronstress, has given up her

egg trick. Don't ask. Okay, do ask. She can roll the whole way across her kitchen using two duck eggs as wheels without them breaking. And as Canadian ice skating champion Emily LaCost has given up pagan sacrifices. The skate stress who played 16th in last year's World Championship said in a tearful statement on pancake day, the sacrifices just aren't working no matter how splendid and purebred a bull I kill, no matter how loudly I scream invocations to the judges whilst doing so, it hasn't had any discernible effect on my performance. I think the judges have anything marked me down for leaving a pool of balls blood on the ice and scaring the audience, even if I smile really nicely at them whilst the animal breathed its last, and then skate passing with my bottom in the air.

I only finished seventh at the recent four Contaners Championships and I took down a rare breed short horn and they don't come cheap. Look, maybe Zeus isn't big on ice skating, so march his world championships, I'm just going to smear my face in snake blood and take my chances. Personally, John, I've given up puns for Lent. Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! I'm not gonna deny it. He's terribly difficult. No! No! No! No!

Has it turned to this country? Can I please stop you there under? Yes, yes! Yes, please, no. Has it turned to this country? Can I please stop you there under? Don't get pleased. Yes, yes, yes. Don't get cross. Look. Ah. I'm only doing it to wind you up.

Can you, can you, can you get that gun out? It sounds, you shoot me now. It's a sound, shoot me now. I'm just doing it to wind you up. It sounds like I've got a rise again. All done. Just a short one this week. Ah, that's my head on the desk, stop it.

I was so busy, like freaking out, that I actually didn't hear it. Oh, congratulations Chris. You've evolved an excellent skill, man. You've got that Zen level of, you've blocked out their long windedness. This is just job-knit. That was nice.

They were not in short, those ones. That's a big bang. Generally, you know, Generally. Oh, yeah. You know, thing. Oh, and they hold it. Too soon. You're emails now and well, there's a great email here, Andy, under the email subject line, this is your wife Andy. And it starts, dear Andy Chris and John in order of which I'm most married to. Listen Andy, I have

something terrible to tell you. No one actually listens to the bugle or the emails have been me. I've been sending emails through fake personas I've created to raise your self-esteem. When you first started the bugle it was innocent enough, an email here or there from a fan, pretty easy to do, and you were ever so much happier for it. But somehow it all got out of control. Your expectations began to rise, and soon I was working my fingers to the bone, creating fake email accounts, Twitter accounts, browsing Amazon for Bedonka Donkts. It was all too much. I even forced our children into the racket. And now with the donation system,

sweetie poo, we just can't afford it. So anyway, I figured this was the best way to let you and your cohorts know that all of your work was for nothing and that no one likes you. Yours in Christ, Lady Wifeington, PS, this was very hard for me to write. So if you ask me about it at home, I'll faint innocence, it's for the best. Comes. This was very hard for me to write, so if you ask me about it at home or faint innocence, it's for the best.

What a bummer. Wow, that is some email. I didn't even know she could speak English. Who saw? I had my suspicions when we started because some of the email accounts were suspiciously andy-like. We first started and no one knew what we were doing. I got the source from J me, whan-chuck. That's true.

This is clearly from Andy, so I asked him about it and he looked at me like totally blankly out. Clear the wife. Who saw this twist in the bugle coming? On twist. I mean, it's all a figment of Andy's imagination, everything. Whose voice is it you hear right now, Andy? I don't know, it's most... Sure, two months. One more Chris to there. Yeah, sure.

It's mostly Richie Beno. That's one of our American listeners. So took your remarks coming into info at thebugelpodcast.com. And we'll do more next week because we've been a bit short on them recently but we'll keep over running. So we're about more next week, because we've been a bit short on them recently, but we keep overrunning. So we're about to get chucked out of the studio. So don't keep them coming in and follow the Twitter feed at HelloBuglers.

And don't forget the Bugle SoundCloud page, where you can listen to and comment on the episodes, which is soundcloud.com slash the iPhone Bugle. So you can, there's quite a good, you can actually leave comments at the place in the podcast that you're commenting about. Awesome more technology can do. That's quite some of you.

Is that really true? So you can basically graffiti the bugle. Wow. That's a word of book that you're not enjoying. I think I'm actually, I think I'm just gonna go straight there now Andy. I'll lost something to say about your last few pun runs. Potentially I could put you Chris on every second of the...

Yes, yes. Yes, that is true. And you wouldn't be the first to try. Yeah, and the internet continues to become mankind's toilet wall. Yeah. Should I mean just one of the comments, David Copperfield outstanding. Oh, no. How outstanding.

Someone thought that was outstanding, John. Now, that's it for this week's bugle. I do enjoy February the 29th, February the 29th fans, and 40 years ago on Wednesday, Hank Aaron became the first baseball player to sign a $200,000 contract, which is approximately what we've paid nowadays for a reserve third baseman to take a piss in a bucket. So how times change? Thanks for listening, Budelas. We'll be back next week.

Goodbye. Bye. And goodbye from Tom. It's been great to have you back. Goodbye. Yeah, sorry. I'm late. Tom.

Yeah, that's all right. See you in a couple of years. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. In a couple of years, with more Mr. five Budelas going, who's this? Yeah, who's this? Australian loser. Check the archives. This used to be a major bugle character. Me, well, major. Yeah. I would just grumpy because you kept on going on so long, I thought I had to butt in. Yeah. And now you're weird. And now you're becoming part of that. I know. This is like

John the Bat. You see how fun it know, this is like John the Baptist. He's like John the Baptist turning up in the book of revelations, isn't it? Well you see I need to get nice. Take a little shut up! Ha ha ha ha! Of course. There you go. That's all, Buaglers. That's all. Goodbye. Bye! Bye!

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