The Bugle - Bugle 188 – Gentlemen, start your engines!

Episode Date: March 30, 2012

It's panic stations at the fuel pumps, as the public waste money that could be more wisely invested in a meal with the Prime Minister or funding a Republican candidate campaign. Failing that, a tepid working class pasty. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, viewers! And welcome to issue 188 of the Bugle, the universe's leading audio newspaper for a visual world this week in stunning 1D. Sideways, I think, is our allocated damage in this week with me and his ultimate in London. And in New York, it's the Gandhi of Gags, the Mandela of Muth, the Lincoln of Laughter, the Pankhurst of Putdowns, the Bieber of Badidarge, it's John Oliver.

Hello, Andy. Hello, Bughlers. Andy, I met the largest human being I've ever come into contact with this week, I think. All right. I met Shaq, Andy. Shaqilo Neal, Shaq Stradamus, a one man walking Shaq's ploitation film. Most importantly, the star of the movie Kazam, a movie so bad Andy, so bad every time I watch it I look for myself. Apparently he also played

Basinwala at some point too, but who cares about that? He played a genie who appeared from a magic boom box. Anyway it was very exciting but I tell you what it was not nearly as exciting as Andy. Seeing you in a batting cage a couple of weeks ago. On Andy's last day here in New York we spent the morning at a batting cage having a machine throw 65 mile an hour baseballs at us. And Andy when you held a baseball bat in your hand you looked like a combination of Babe Ruth and William Wordsworth. What I'm saying is you were a poet with that bat Andy, in that you didn't look like you knew how to hold it.

You know what, it was a very difficult thing for a, you know, a British man and a cricket player to just go against everything I believe with was right all my life swinging in such a such a rustic way. It's just not right, John. Rustic. Rustic and uncouth, John. That's what you baseballers do. I have crouched a couple into the bleachers though. So this is Buebel 188. 188, coincidentally, the scores out of 10 that Yut Gingrich gives his three wives. And this is for the... He's surprisingly positive about number two. This is for the week beginning Monday, the second of April. We're recording on the 30th of March. So happy 50th birthday to rapper DIY enthusiast and three-time Embassy World Snooker Corps, the finalist, MC Hammer. And also 170th anniversary of the first use of ether as an anaesthetic in an operation.

So in honour of Crawford Long's historic medical achievement, we will do our best to make this episode as painless as possible and suitable for use in amputations. As always, the section of Google is going straight in the bin. This week, given that Sunday is April full stage and April full stage section. And we trace the origins of this great religious festival back, almost 2,000 years to the Middle East, in about 33 A.D., I believe, when the prominent magician and racon to Jesus' H. Christ pulled his, I'm dead.

Ah, no, I'm not got you, got you stunt. This, of course, followed on from his classic, Drink This Wine is absolutely lovely. It's Portuguese Cabernet Sauvignon, I just got from my local offer. Surprisingly mellow with a deep mose. You like it? Hmm. Good. That's my blood. It's my blood.

You're drinking my blood. Oh, I need a cup of sugar tea in the biscuit. Right. Story time, everyone. When I say parrots, you say balls. Parrots. Oh, come on. Lighting up guys. Right. Mackie, Matty, Lukey, stars, this is the ready. And off we go, once upon a time there was this little Jewish wizard called Jaime Potter. Honestly, this is gonna be a really good one,

people are gonna love this story. Why are you guys so cross with me? Too many pranks, hey dude, just come and sit next to the boss man, let's talk it through. Well, be caution, classic. Come on, come back, come back! He did not take that well. He looked genuinely cross.

Who's next? Also, of course. Hellbound, Andy! Gospel according to St. Lionel recently discovered in a time. That is Tom Fanny, Jim. That Andy is adding insult to Jesus' fatal injuries. Well, while saying, literally, banked her rights. This year, of course, also, the 200th anniversary of one April full stunner

went too far, Napoleon Bonaparte, five-time European war monger of the year, and a renowned prankster from his earlier years, but one who could never let a prank go, most famously persisting with his sideways hatchstick, which had begun as an April fool in which he managed to convince people that scientists had discovered that he'll write here was ear was in fact the front of your head. On the 1st of April 1812, Bonaparte announced to his generals that they would be invading Russia the following winter. Of course they all check the day, and then laughter dimmin,

he showed them a fake weather forecast saying it was going to be sunny all winter around Moscow and a steady 75 Fahrenheit. They chuckle politely and said good one Napoleon. Napoleon knew deep down we hadn't fallen for it. Oh, and that happened. He just had to see it through. Anyway, a few months later, 75% of his army is dead. The course of European history has been altered for all time. And his own power fatally will weaken Napoleon gathers his top brass in his tent shivering with gold and says April full. At which point, I invented a

restriction on April's April full only being valid until midday on the 1st of April. That's all entrenched in our section in the bin. I wonder if Andy, as those French soldiers, died in the Arctic tundra of Russia. They thought, one day this is going to be hilarious. Top story this week? gentlemen! Start your engines! Now turn off your engines to say fuel a bit, holy shit if you've seen the price of oil at the moment. Okay gentlemen, pick a driving buddy, we're going to be carpooling for the rest of this race, and $4 a gallon, no one

is driving their own car! Gentlemen! Start your engines! And the fuel comes in many forms. We can be fueled by a family's love, an energy bar, religious fanaticism. Sadly, none of those energy sources can power a car so they're all completely redundant. If I can't pour you into my car's gas tank, Andy, and pump you through my engine to propel my vehicle forward, I'm not interested in hearing anything you have to say. And I know you're going to say to And I know you're gonna say to me, but you can do that with me, John, eventually. That's true, but not for millions of years,

not until your body completely breaks down into oil. I can't wait that long. I need to go to the supermarket now. Well, that's a problem with you, Americans. You want everything now. And gas tank, John, honestly. Gas, hand you a **** in, pass it in and be done with it. Let me address that Andy.

The UK and the US are musingly different in what they call petroleum or gasoline in the US. It's gas and the UK, it's petrol just like in the US. Any rise in gas price is a f**king disaster. Whereas in the UK it's a f**king f**king f**king f**king. We have so many amusing differences Andy, even when we mean the same thing. Well here there's been panic buying OK, it's a f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f*** f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f***ing f*** at its infantile worst, John. And it is an extraordinary story. Tanker drives from the Unite Union, voted to potentially go on strike about safety terms and conditions, selfish little buses,

not wanting their lorries to explode and fatal fireballs. Do you have f***ing jobs you lay about? If God wants you to catch fire, He will set you on fire, strike or no strike. But this wasn't helped by various government ministers, essentially suggesting that Britain should panic by petrol. And Britain needs no second invitation to start panic by itself. That's right. There's only one thing this country likes more than queuing, and that is queuing for absolutely no reason. Well, Andy, I've been watching this from thousands of miles away, and I know that you've been panic buying fuel, Andy. Is it not true that when you run out of space at home,

you actually just stuck the nozzle into your mouth and filled yourself up thinking you could spit it into your car later? Well, I think that's, is that not what you're supposed to do? Oh no, I've got, I mean, I've done it. It's not clear. I don't have a point. It's not clear, so you're not in the wrong.

Yeah, I mean, it's, it's basically, isn't it one of your five fruit or veg a day? Is it, it started as vegetable or one matter, didn't it? I think it's all five of't it one of your five fruit or vegetable day? It basically started as vegetable or one added, isn't it? I think it's all five of them in one juicy splurge. In fact, having a little bit of vinegar and chuck a tomato down your throat is basically a salad. I have to say though that this news did also give me a slightly warm feeling inside, because sometimes I like to pretend there's a worldwide tomato soup shortage, just to make going shopping exciting.

I like to elbow people out the way, scream all the way down the soup aisle, plunging a knife into someone's leg as I reach for one of 64 different available kinds of soup. Just gets your heart pounding. But, does. But, Francis Mord's the Conservative Cabinet Office Minister, um, waited into the debate, advising people to fill up Jerry cans and keep, you know, touristy flammable substance of petrol in their houses or gardens, essentially. Well, they're spectacular. It was quite spectacular and various other government ministers basically just hinted, no, I've probably a good idea to hoard away some petrol. But since it isn't the 1940s anymore, John, not many people have

Jerry cans and this of course led to panic buying of Jerry cans and we just had a tough choice to panic about your fuel or your Jerry can first or do just fill yourself up with fuel by the Jerry can and spit the fuel into it or by the Jerry can fill it up and then drink drink the I've got a very confused John. I've got very very, very confused. Francis Maud, he also called for people to build the air-raid shelters, put their gas masks on and start poundering eggs in case the striking tanker drivers launched aerial bombing raids over towns and cities, Luftwaffe style. So just to be on the safe side, John. Better safe than sorry. Also, Francis Maud's suggestion, Andy, is something that even a six-year-old wannabe

fireman could tell you is a catastrophic idea. Is he f**king crazy? He just made British garages, Molotov cocktails. Britain just became 100% more flammable. Terrorists just need to smoke outside our garages, flick the butts over their shoulder, and then sit back and enjoy the fireworks. He said that a strike would risk people's lives. And I guess that's he said that because he knew the other comments he was about to make.

Also, it probably didn't, the strike itself did not risk lives as much as his comments making people risk electrocution by punching their television's in frustration at the state of our democracy and its representatives, or even turning up to a hospital and finding that his government has shut it down. But still, I think John, the point is, more just wishes he was a film star and could say, people are Britain. These are desperate times. They must be strong. His nation faces a deadly threat.

His lives are at stake. The future of the human race is threatened by the infasin of blood sucking aliens and their mega virus of death and Some tanker drivers going on strike I'll just cast me in anything. I will do a heart-hate politics Also, I guess on the plus side that if there is Complete panic buying of petrol and they reckon if there's about two days worth of petrol potentially left if the supply stops Which it might in about two days worth of petrol potentially left if the supply stops, which it might in about towards the end of April.

It does reduce the chance of people self-immolating, which, you know, so it will probably balance out the number of accidental fire deaths with the reduced number of self-sacrifices. So there you go. The government did stop just short of urging people to shit themselves at the trauma of it all all or like Quivering in a heap waiting for the inevitable hook of the Reaper But not quite as far short as would have been ideal at Francis more just now before we start a recording has urged people to buy coffins and Canapace for their funerals given that they will almost certainly die at some point in their lives

Well, that's right Andy. In we was faced with this potential strike and they opted to freak the f**k out. Why? Because that's what we do every time, Andy. We're not emotionally prepared for these kind of strikes anymore. We've become so comfortable as a nation. The restriction of anything we use even semi-regulately can turn us into flame carrying psychopaths. Just ask the French. They're used to l'oree strikes, so they can cope much better. They just give it a gallic shrug and go back to mending their berries, which got torn when they fell off their bicycles while reading poetry, swirding to avoid a quassar, and the garlic around their necks failed to break their fall, a presumed, I'm guessing, that's

just a high percentage guess. And the French l'oree drivers strike so often that 80% of the time they don't know what they're on strike for. One French lorry driver was apparently on strike for 17 years until someone told him that he wasn't a lorry driver. Or French and he should return to his family in New Zealand as quickly as he could. If only Dominic Strauss-Kahn had lived his life by your charming French stereotype. François would be a much better place. You would wouldn't it? Edmund King from the AA Motoring Organization, criticised the government, said, if drivers followed normal fuel buying patterns, there would be no fuel shortage whatsoever.

We now have self-inflicted shortages due to poor advice about topping up a tank and hoarding in Jerry Cans. Whilst Brian Madison, the chairman of the Independent Retailers Group, are my petrol accused ministers of making a crisis out of a concern and said that they should have sought industry advice weeks ago on how to avoid fuel shortages. Now, John, these critics might have a point, but they just do not understand how politics works. What you do in a situation like this is you wait until the last moments and then maximise political capital by childishly grandstanding about the issue and turning it into a simplistic four legs good union's bad issue whilst inverting attention away from

either from controversial budgetary measures or the taxation of foods that no one in the cabinet would even consider eating. I think this guy should do their job and let the politicians do theirs. Any strike, John, still remains potential. It will need seven days notice from the union. And the Guardian newspaper reported the United Union threatening to hold a strike by the 23rd of April, which would be an absolutely lovely birthday present for you, John. That would be great, Vinny. I would love that. I'll act surprised when it happens, but I'm very touched by the sentiment.

So the current panic buying at the end of March is very badly timed on it, and the key with a panic is timing it right. You know, panic too early and you've relaxed and got complacent by the time the crisis arrives, panic too late and you've just been eaten via tiger. So you have to get it right, John. You have to get it right. to get it right. American Fuel News Now, and what American panic buying is a lot less fun, Andy, to be honest, because when Americans panic by, people get shot. There's no long lines of people waiting angrily, but patiently to be served, there's people

diving for cover as they get caught in the crossfire. When Americans panic by Petrolandi, it doesn't look like mercy side, it looks like mad max, which is not to say they don't have an emotional trigger as well as a physical one. According to a recent poll, which are now often so inaccurate, you think that they were actually getting the results by literally asking a poll. But in a recent Reuters poll, more than two-thirds of Americans disapprove of the way that President Obama is handling high gasoline prices, although most do not blame him for them.

So they don't think that he bakes this shit-py, Andy. They just don't like the way that he's eating it. Or serving it presumably. Oh no, it's right, it don't like what he's prepared. The problem is that in the past month, US fuel prices have jumped about $0.30 to around $3.90 per gallon. Now, I'm aware that that price would make most countries say,

it's dropped down to what? Yes, that is unfathomably cheap. Let's just pour it down the toilet just because we can. But things are a little different. Hey, people use their cars all the time. Both out of absolute necessity, convenience and astonishing laziness. Some combination of the three.

Gas prices are so important, an electoral issue here, that Newt Gingrich in the final Hail Mary piece of campaigning launched a $2.50 pledge, promising that if he's elected president, he will reduce the price of gas here to $2.50 pledge, promising that if he's elected president he will reduce the price of gas here to $2.50 a gallon, a plan based on absolutely nothing other than total confidence or an intention to water down all gasoline and pump us by around 50%. It seems solid odd to blame Obama

for this, John, rather than... But I guess it's just easier than blaming the underlying causes, which are, I guess, essentially, the unstoppable multi-billion dollar greed of the oil companies, the economic or political system that's fostered and encouraged that, and horse trading, short-termism and geological misfortune that has led to oil becoming the global political football that it is. But it's hard to vote out an oil company, John,

or the Saudi government, or go back in time and redistribute carbon deposits more evenly around the world, or make electric cars less shit. So I guess a farmer is just in the firing line. And the Republicans have helped the situation by blocking legislation to strip billions of dollars of tax breaks from the biggest American oil companies. These tax breaks amount to around $24 billion over 10 years. Now you might think that's quite a lot, but then you have to bear in mind that's a top three oil companies,

if they carry on the current rate, will over those 10 years make $800 billion profit. So they can probably afford it, and I think they might like to whilst they're affording it, just go and piss through every letterbox in America just to make their point. just go and piss through every letter box in America just to make their point. Democracy news now. And Andy, if you were to run into democracy in the street and ask how it was doing, it would probably say, oh fine, fine, I'm doing really well, thanks for asking. But if you were then to say,

no, seriously, democracy, how are you doing? It would pause for a moment and then it would burst into tears. And you would back away awkwardly saying, Woo, sorry I asked. Come on, pull yourself together, democracy. People start to stare. It can't be that bad. A democracy would say, it is. It is that bad. Oh god, I'm so f***ed. What's in democracy in every country around the globe at the moment? It's like watching a game show.

You're hoping for the best. But you know, the chances are that countries gonna be greeted with an EEEE sound and a man in a shiny suit saying, Oh, that's too bad. Thanks for trying. Better luck again next time. The key problem with democracy in so many countries is money. Really, notorious BIG said it best, Andy. When he said, Mo money, Mo problems. Of course, Biggie also said they're gonna be some slow singing and flower bringing

if my bug a lot of lamp starts ringing. But that doesn't work quite as well as a critique for global democracy. It's still a good point from Biggie. It's just a different point. It's a point about home security and arguably about the limits of some intruder laws. Well, I'm Britain we've had a bit of a democracy glitch

in which the Conservative Party co-traeger of Peter Krudders had to resign after he was caught by in an undercover newspaper sting basically hawking dinner with the Prime Minister and the influence it involves. Four £250,000 a pop. Now in his defence, John, that was 250,000 pounds for the dinner, and at least in us, they do serve unbelievably expensive food, John. I mean, we're talking— They better add. Yeah, we're talking unicorn carpaccio here, John.

I mean, that does not come cheap, so— What does that taste like? I think it tastes like chicken. But we're really expensive. Yeah. We're really chicken. That's right. In the footage, you heard to say 200 grand to 250 grand is Premier League. What you would get when we talk about your donations, the first thing we'd want to do is get you with the camera and Osborne dinners. As you say, Andy, for a quarter of a million pounds, that'd

better be one hell of a f***ing dinner. You'd better be... If it's not unicorn, you'd better be eating roast swan that's been wrestled to death in a pit in front of you by the queen herself. The government quickly hit back saying the Meals and Downing Street had not been provided at tax pay's expense, and on some occasions, David Cameron had actually cooked for his guests himself. That, Andy, is not acceptable.

If I'm donating a quarter of a million pounds, I do not want a world leader cooking for me, or at the very least, it should be a world leader of my choice and they should be topless. Incidentally, I would pick Canadian President Stephen Harper and I'd like him to cook a full roast chicken for me in his underpants and I would like him to be crying the whole time. Prings back so many memories. Crudus is an interesting man, John. He's a self-made multi-millionaire with an estimated value of over 800 million pounds.

And he made his money... Sounds nice. Yeah, well, he left school with no qualifications. Made his money on foreign exchange markets. Basically one of Britain's top gamblers. He's a self-made multi-millionaire. He's a former tax exile. He's a large-scale philanthropist. And he's a hawker of political influence for cash. He's a man ofmade multi-millionaire. He's a former tax exile. He's a large-scale philanthropist

and he's a hawker of political influence for cash. He's a man of contradictions, John. He's both the kind of success story the conservative party wants to trump it and the kind of total shyster they are getting slightly embarrassed about. In the footage, he sold the value of attending this dinner by saying, you really do pick up a lot of information. And when you see the Prime Minister, you're seeing David Cameron, not the Prime Minister. But within that room, everything's confidential. You can ask him practically any question you want. If you're unhappy about something, we will listen to you and put it to the policy committee at number 10. We feed all feedback to the policy committee. Now, that does not

sound good, Andy. Even if you take that type and play it backwards, it still sounds bad. And a Tory party spokesman said after Crudders eventually quit in disgrace that he's only been in that position for three weeks but it's clearly gone over the top and well beyond anything that would be tolerable to the party. It appears to be a case of him showing off. That is bearing the lead there Andy. The point is, he was only in the job for three weeks. That is a spectacular fly-mount. I'm guessing that he spent the first two and a half weeks brainstorming. What is the most incredible and damaging way that I can lose my job? I could turn up to work naked, covered in a honey swastika, but that'll only really make

me look crazy. I need something that brings the entire British electoral system into question. Hold on, I think I've got it. And then he nailed it Andy. He nailed it like a cocky Korean carpenter. And it gets even worse. The newspaper claims that the author was made, even though Kradas knew that the money would come

from a funding lecternstein that was not eligible to make donations under UK electoral law. Three weeks Andy, three weeks into the job and he could do this kind of damage. This story has caused people in Britain to take a long hard look at the electoral process before gagging slightly, turning away to catch their breath, turning back, looking at the electoral process, gagging again and saying, I'm sorry, I just can't do this and then slowly walking away. Even conservative donors have threatened to stop writing checks out of sheer fear of how their donations are now being perceived. One donor said he was adopting a hedgehog approach and stops giving all together, say,

my checkbook has been put away, there is no possibility of privacy. Oh, that's the hedgehog approach, please. Earn that term. I hope you at least curled up into a ball and then ate a saucer of bread and milk after saying that. Another donor said that businessman should be praised and not vilified and attacked for donating money to political parties. And you know what Andy, when you hear about that, he's right.

That's the thing about successful businessmen who spend much of their life in offshore tax havens. The system just doesn't cut them any breaks. Tory Topbrass was quick to say that these comments by credit were completely unacceptable and he resigned pretty rapidly. But it turns out to be John, this was confirmed on the flagship today programme on radio for by Francis Maud, the aforementioned Cabinet Office Minister, that on the Conservative websites they advertised that if you spend £50,000 to join the leaders group then you get to have dinner with the Prime Minister. So he was merely just raising the price, John, of the official going race. How do you fund elections without leaving politicians to open to corruption? The short answer is, you don't bother who gives a shit.

That's the almost universal answer to that question. But suppose for a second, hypothetically, that you do give a shit. What then? Because one thing everyone seems to agree on is that campaign finance is f*****. What people can't agree on is how to unf*****. Well, the Committee on Standards in Public Life in the UK published a study last November entitled Ending the Big Donor Culture. With a title like that, it's no wonder that the government had that report proofread first by their shredder. But the committee, under so Christopher Kelly, recommended

capping any individual donations at £10,000 and in return for that, making up the shortfall with public funding to the tune of £50 per voter per year. And all three parties in the UK were reportedly against that idea, Andy. I mean, it does seem like a small price to pay for uncorrupting your potentially corrupt officials, but believe me, just if you want to feel better about it, Andy, don't fix the problem. Just use perspective to make you feel better about the scale of the problem that you have, because these problems pile in comparison to here in the US, where the election this year is predicted to cost

in the region of $6 billion. Happy. $6 billion to choose between two people. Does that sound right to anyone? The cost of the US elections has risen steadily. And this is also going to be the first presidential race since the landmark Citizens United Supreme Court ruling, elections has risen steadily. And this is also going to be the first presidential race since the landmark Citizens United Supreme Court ruling, which ended most restrictions on donations

by corporations and unions. Basically, it is a financial cluster. And it's got so bad that when Obama was overhired talking to Mervative and saying that they'd have to talk more about the nuclear defense strategy next year because he had an election coming up so he couldn't do anything this year. He was basically acknowledging that you can't do anything for the last 12 months of any presidential term. Meaning he's basically admitting you have three year terms now Andy, because the whole part of your last year is just hemorrhaging money that you've taken from people.

It's f**king tough. It's so f***t. He was basically saying with those words, what he was essentially saying was, I'm sorry, but democracy just doesn't work. I cannot say what I mean because it is electoral kryptonite. But the Republicans' interprets, he's comment saying, after the election, I have more flexibility flexibility as basically code for Moscow, Moscow, this is the flaming pelican calling the cat is in the liquidizer, the cat is in the liquidizer, do you read me, Moscow? Do you read me?

PASTY NEWS, now, and this is all taking place with the UK also in the midst of a pasty storm after the new budgets confusing pasty tax for the VAT on a hot takeaway food. Now for those non-British people who might not be aware of what a pasty, you know, sometimes referred to as a Cornish pasty is, how would you describe it Andy? I guess I'll describe it as a bunch of stuff wrapped up in some shit and that's it. I'd say it's like, it's like eating the essence of disappointment. It's like an American hot pocket, only fractionally less disgusting. And I mean, fractionally, like to the human eye fractionally.

Under current laws, food in the UK, subject to VOT, wants it is heated to, and I quote, above air ambient temperature, now, what more delicious way of describing preparing food, and it is there than warming it up to above air ambient temperature? My stomach is rumbling just thinking about it. Oh, sorry, it's not rumbling. I think I'm about to throw up. You see, I know the flash restaurants now served at slightly above ambience rooms in Pradja. Oh, yeah. And David Cameron, as Ron is his trouble when trying to present himself as a man who enjoys pasties, which he is probably not, Andy, everything about him screams,

I do not eat pasties, his hair, his voice, his background. Everything screams, the only time I ate a pasty was when we were given one at school, during a lesson on what being poor takes time. LAUGHTER Again, Andy, it can be hard to understand any of this, if you're not British, that the fact that our class divide is so broad, that it even incorporates foodstuffs. And the Chancellor, George Osborne, a childhood friend of David Cameron,

admitted that he could not remember the last time he ate a pasty from Greggs, a culinary atrocity of a bakery. He, in response to this entirely unshateful admission, he was accused of having lost touch with the public while Labour MP John Mann called him the Mary Antoinette of politics. Happy to let the public eat cold pasty. Wow. Well, at least the French Persons got offered cake and the hypothetical cake, not cold pasties.

Marie Antoinette offered them cake and they beheaded her. What the f*** would those French Persons have done if they'd if she'd only offered them cold pasties? But accusing Osborne of losing touch with the public is to me like accusing a fish of not having legs anymore. If he did ever have touch with the public, it is so far back in the evil loose

re-history of the Osborne family that the last known Osborne to have had it is currently on display in the fossil section of the natural living. But David Cameron claims they'd eaten a pasty from a specific pasty shop in Leeds station. And it later turned out that this pasty shop had not been open since 2007. So what else does he lie about, John? Can we trust this man? We need unemployment. He claims it's 2.7 million.

But it might only be 30,000, he could be just trying to appeal to Tory voters by talking it up. The pasty has always been the honesty barometer of politics, Andy. The Google feature section now, and Antarctica. Well, we first wrote the Antarctica feature section to commemorate the 100th anniversary of Captain Scott reaching the South Pole. It keeps being delayed because we just keep talking too much shit about other stuff.

And it's now reached the 100th anniversary of him dying on the way back from having reached the South Pole. Pfft. Pfft. So, for instance, about six weeks after he reached the South Pole. And we've just been told that we're going kicked out of the studio in London in eight minutes times.

So it's being self-again, buglers. At some point, maybe we'll find, I don't know, the hundredth anniversary of, I don't know, Captain Scott being slightly nibbled at by a penguin. I don't know. It's right. So we're putting that off. Instead, your emails. Well, we've also overrun to the extent we can't do any of your emails,

partly because you keep sending in really, really long ones that take good ones to read up. Good ones, but long ones. Good ones for long ones. Now, we have the last people in the world to suggest that brevity is the soul of wit. But feel free to try and keep them under 200 words. Instead, sports! And John the Olympics is...

Olympics countdown Andy! Oh, it's getting closer and closer, like a deeply regrettable French teacher. We're going to keep counting down. That was an analogy born of experience. We're going to keep counting down to the Olympics as a city that Andy lives in, prepares to put on the greatest ski shooting tournament in the world. Yeah, I can't. I love ski-shooting, John. Andy, you've been pay-taxed in London for years now.

Doesn't that basically mean that you own at least a piece of the floor of the Velas' room? I think so, yeah. I think I might own part of Victoria Pendleton as well, but that's still going through the courts. In Olympic Countdown News, visiting Olympic athletes, coaches and officials will apparently be banned from marrying while they're in Britain because of home office concerns that they will exploit the games to try to claim residency.

And that's part of the fun of the Olympics. Come on, we're cutting the balls off this. Look back to the Soviet era when you just assumed that all the Soviet athletes were going to try to defect at some point. That was the kind of atmosphere that everyone enjoyed. I am going to the bathroom now. Oh point. That was the kind of atmosphere that everyone enjoyed. I am going to the bathroom now. Oh, yeah, sure, Pavelt, yeah.

You go to the bathroom. Do you want to take your suitcase with you when you go, though? Yes, thank you. I take suitcase with me to bathroom. Quality accent, John. Yeah, that was a bit of a swigging of this. That's for the snow.

For the snow. Yes. Well, surely, John, Bit of a swig in a mist. Bit for the three years too. Yeah. Surely, John, they should be banned from marrying because they should be focusing on their sport, John, although some athletes find it an inspiration to get married. But from a cricketing perspective, as soon as the Indian captain Mahendra Doni got married, his performance just completely collapsed. And the British tennis player, John Lloyd, when he married Chris Ever, famously in the 1970s,

I think within a year he dropped down from the world's top 20 to about 400. So maybe this is just helping him focus. Well, yes, well. Last year, last year, two 16-year-old athletes from Cameroon absconded from Manchester Airport after completing the Commonwealth Youth Games are whilst at the 2002 Commonwealth Games, also a Manchester, almost the entire 30 strong Sierra Leone team also disappeared. And these defections are a good thing.

It's basically just our stealing great athletes from other nations for nothing. Why on earth? Would we not be encouraging that? We should be doing everything we possibly can to tempt them into defecting. There's also been a food crackdown, a legal hot dog, a barb and ice cream vans selling their wares during the Olympics will be impounded in special pens across London. And clearly the Olympics, John, is a festival of sports and one of its legacies is to create a more active nation with the greater regard for its own health. That is one of the reasons, but the main reason is because the official food vendors, the likes of McDonald's, are building one of their biggest ever restaurants in the middle of

the Olympic park, do not want to lose money to some guy with a cabab ban. What the London Olympics wants John is Britain to get heart disease, but it wants it to get heart disease from large businesses, not small businesses. That is the absolute, that is what the Olympics is all about, John. The Olympics The Olympics

That's it for this week's Bugle. Thank you very much. We are now being ushered out of the London studio by armed police. There's nothing to see here. There's, well, it is largely audio experience, the bugle anyway. So, thanks for listening, bugleers. We'll be back with bugle 189 recording on Good Friday. One of the greatest days in legal history in my book.

Everyone goes along with it. Tough sentence. Under the laws of the greatest days in legal history in my book. Everyone go along with it. Ha ha ha ha. Tough sentence for the day. Under the laws of the day, Andy. Under the laws of the day. Tough sentence for the fair sentence. Thank you.