The Bugle - Bugle 189 – ‘Like eating Bill Cosby’

Episode Date: April 6, 2012

Andy and John finally deliver an Antarctic special, plus Chinese art news, and a new season in the US version of Rounders. Recorded in a special location. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello Bugleers and welcome to issue 189 of the Bugle, the world's predominant reason for the continuing to exist, with me and his ultimate live in London, but not just anywhere in London. This week we are according in a very special location in Chris's house. Yeah. I'm in your house. I'm in your house. And joining me, a man who was in George Washington's house, by which I mean America, the North bit from memory.

He's in your house Washington, he's in your house. It's the man who is to a question and dressage, what Elvis Presley was to a question and dressage. It's John Oliver. Hello Andy, hello, bugler. So what a fascinating glimpse into the world of Chris, you're getting right now Andy. Yeah.

Well, later on in the bugler, I'll take you all on a guided tour of Chris's palatial above, but I mean it is there is certainly a large gnome on a shelf and that I don't expect to have to deal with when I'm recording. Well Andy, I went down to Miami last weekend, I had to go down because we had a surprise trip for one of the producers who is leaving work soon. Now Miami and I are not natural bedfellows, Andy. Miami and I go together like Simon and Garfunkel. Not Paul Simon though, Simone Bolivar, the early 19th century first ever president of Venezuela. We go together like Simone Bolivar and

Art Garfunkel. We have nothing in common and even less to say to each other. And it was a lot of fun hanging out with people from work, but it would have been even more fun to do that, not in Miami. It's not a great place, Andy. It's not a good place. It's not an okay place. My friend White, Andy, at one point, looked out from where we were sitting to, I believe,

give the accurate collective noun, see a swimming pool of douches. And he said something which I think really encompasses the place perfectly. He said, this place is making me miss the wife and the family that I don't have. And I think that really is the perfect way to summarize my amy. So this is Bugle 119 available from SoundCloud.com and all good electrical retailers. 119 means you're now at the same number of Bugles

as there were episodes of the sitcom Different Strokes, which of course famously had to be radically written after the first draft, which was set in a nursing home for highly strong pensioners. This is the Bugle for the Week beginning Monday, the 9th of April, happy new tax year to all of British Bugles. And many in his 350 years since Samuel Piep's wrote in his diary, 9th of April, 1662. Is it just me or is crapping in a bucket and chucking out of the window getting a bit pass-a? And 150 years since Abraham Lincoln invented basketball when frustrated at the progress

of the Civil War he slumped back in his over-office chair and tossed its trademark stovepipe in the air and frustration. The hat landed on a high shelf and Lincoln took out his anger by trying to lob a cantaloupe melon into it. After several near misses, he leapt out of his swivel chair, bounced the melon on the ground and, uh, using his six foot four inch frame, slam dunked it into the stovepipe before swinging off the shelf, shouting, take that to the south. And uh, on Tuesday there'll be a hundred years since the Titanic, the famous stump ship set off on its maiden voyage, in turning to Canoeville over a row of eight icebergs and through a flaming hoop to achieve this with its weight of 46,000 tons,

it would have needed to achieve a velocity of 2,374 miles an hour to be able to clear the eight icebergs, and shipmakers Holland and Wolf later admitted in the official investigation into the disaster. That, the ships maximum speed of 28 miles an hour, rendered the stunt mission quotes unlikely to succeed. So, what a sort of chance if they haven't missed the launch ramp. We're recording 6th April, Easter Friday, which I'll be spending all good juice doing some DIY, just anything that involves hammering. And coincides this year, John, I'm sure you don't need to tell you this with New Bears Eve in New York. Are you from it?

It's the not specifically New York in America, it's the festival marking the end of pro-ubition. Oh, I didn't know that. You're not fully doing this new, new Bears Eve, not a big thing. Oh, I've never heard of it. Oh really? Well, it's on wiki pedia, so I think you're missing out. How are you intending to celebrate it now that you've just found out about it?

Well, I guess find out some more about it to check whether it's actually true or not, which I still doubt. Top story this week Living in Antarctica Oh yeah! Alright! It's very icy baby! It's pretty cold alright! She was an Antarctic Angle

Antarctic Angle F*** Yeah! Here to house some motherf***ing seals, yeah! F***! Andy? Ah! Well, what an audition.

What an audition. The South Pole, Andy, as we all know, is one of the world's top two poles. Has been for years. We operate very much a two-pole system in this world, and it seems incredible that throughout human history, a third pole has not emerged to challenge the dominance of the top two. We even have buglers listening from Antarctica, as we found out in an email a while ago, we have a bugler listening in a research station down there, presumably using the bugle to test what effects sub-zero temperatures have on extreme audio bullshit. But the South Pole

is not something that you think about a lot, but we all miss it if it was gone or if you even skim read environmental reports, we will all miss it when it's gone. It's easy to ignore the South Pole until bits of it are floating towards a ship that you're on. So let's give it a bit of attention this week. It was a hundred years ago. Let's give it a bit of attention this week. It was a hundred years ago that Captain Scott, the explorer, adventurer, and greatest man ever to have the middle name Falcon. That's a hell of a middle name, Andy. Because your middle name is Falcon.

You better find a way of f***ing earning that name. You better get your ass to the South Pole or up a mountain once in a while or it should be forcibly confiscated. a mountain once in a while or it should be forcibly confiscated. So you rates Robert's fulken scots above Elvis Fulken Presley. I do. Contrarily. I do. Go up a mountain, Elvis. Go up a mountain. Earn the name. It's Scott, of course, famously reached the South Pole only to find out that Ammonstson had beaten him to it. Amundsen, as Andy himself, was described it to me, was a, and I quote, cheeky Norwegian k*****. Now, I don't think, I don't think an English person had been so angry at an Norwegian since the Vikings turned up drunk

and went on a pillaging bender. Yeah, it's's 100 years, as you said, since the death of arguably the most famous silver medalist of all time. Captain Scott the Polar Explorer extraordinaire, sat in not quite extraordinary enough. He popped his extremely cold clogs in late March 1912. Clogs, pretty bad footwear for a polar expedition, I reckon. After he and his team were pipped by Amundsen to the anointingly chilly post, Amundsen, the Scandinavian shitheads as the British media called him at the time, or Freddie Frosty Balls, the financial time he's been with.

But the story is that after spending months trekking across the Baron Polo Landscapes, Scotland's team finally Realised that they'd been beaten when they saw a sign in Norwegian saying South Pole that way loses And then arrived at the pole to see the marks in the snow were Amerton had slid over to the pole on his knees in celebration Before ripping off his well skin t-shirt as the rest of his party jumped on him in a massive bundle And then found solitary Vikings helmet in the snow, and the name of the ancient Viking king Canute misspelled in big letters. But some exciting new developments in the Scott story, John, have recently unearthed some

audio of the press conference Captain Scott gave the day after reaching the South Pole early in 1912 and luckily we've managed to get exclusively access to that. Halfway! Here on the view. That's actually an incredible scoop, Andy. Well, I guess other media outlets were distracted by the phone hacking scandal and didn't bid for and we put all the bugle millions into it. I think it was worth it. It's very interesting stuff. That's very interesting stuff. That's Chris, can you play in that?

Yeah, well obviously it's disappointing to arrive at the South Pole after all the years of planning and months trekking across and obviously not a bit of a continent to find that the boy Aminjana got there first. But fear played to the big Norwegian. He's done a terrific bit of exploration there, the lead. Cracking effort and he's come out on top,

well on bottom I suppose. A fair play to Raldi was a bit of exploration there the leds, cracking effort and he's coming out on top well on bottom I suppose. A fair play to Raldi was a bit of a polar explore on the day but I think we've got a lot of positives to take away from this one. Captain Scott Julius Holstash, Times of London, do you have a message for the British head tactical fans you must be very disappointed at your defeat? Well I don't really see it as a defeat choice. Well, you didn't win and now the fans want to know why. Well, I think we can tackle a lot of positives.

Stop crapping on about positives. The fans are one positives captain Scott. They want you to come back with a fronkish's thermal jockstrap golden penguin trophy to parade around London on an open top port. You've let them down. Well Julian, we gave 110% out there, we've left it out all there on near our shelf and at the end of the day that's so lucky to ask it to boys.

Pranthan Jal Hoon, Tumberidge Wells Korea, Captain Scott. What is wrong with the British system for producing polar explorers? Well I think we're over simplifying things, we've got some terrific young explorers coming through and if any more pals are discovered I'm sure Team JB will be right in there in the thick of the exploring. Captain Scott will you resign? Captain Scott, Mickey's strong, Daily Star. What do you think of Filmstar Mary Pickford?

Captain Scott, what about Mary Pickford's shitton-length skirt? She was seen wearing on a beach last week. Captain Scott, Captain Scott, do you want anything to say about the room? Is Lincoln you with the Arsenal job? Er, that's what I don't know, I don't know, I don't know any more questions. I just like to thank our sponsors, Weapons, organic low-fat, crispy penguin beaks, Jurex, well-gut condoms for reduced sensitivity, and Jack's home made Mahogany sledges.

No further comments, thank you, thank you. Mmm. Er, Andy, I think you just brought down Chris's house price. To commemorate this anniversary, people have been revealing details of Scott's final expedition, even some of what was on the menu. Now, when they were at base camp, it was actually a pretty lavish menu on special occasions, meals ran to several courses, salted almonds, turtle soup, roast beef, stewed penguin, crystallized ginger and champagne,

all featured on such menus. Now, if you're anything like me, you only heard two words from that list. And those words were stewed penguin. I love penguins, Andy. They're nature's clowns. And it'll be a cold day in hell before I ever eat one of them, cold or otherwise.

Penguins are too funny to eat. It'll be like eating Bill Cosby. In fact, I would eat a stewed Bill Cosby before I would ever eat a penguin. Fact. But I mean, you have to ask John, because you know, it's always been hard to get good quality penguin to eat, even in the most expensive restaurants.

And you have to think when we look at Scotty reputation, it swung up and down ever since, I'm accusing him of coslieras, other saying he was a hero in inspiration. But we have to ask, did Scot go to the Antarctic in the spirit of exploration or, because it was the only way to make social acceptable his uncontrollable urge to eat penguins because a man a man is a penguin in London he's a weirdo a man is a penguin in Antarctica he's just eating local produce. For those of you wondering what penguins taste of

apparently it's cross between a Gorgonzola and raspberry souffle, a pint of whiskey spritzer and a smoked hedgehog. It's actually much easier to study and talk to you now than it was back in Scotts time partly because there is much less of it. The European Space Agency announced just yesterday that a massive eye-shelf in the Octopus Intu Peninsula has shrunk by 85% in the last 17 years. I'm guessing that that is bad news Andy. They weren't specific about whether it was, but I'm guessing that it hasn't shrunk by 85% in a good way. The amazing thing is that with all the technology we have now, there are still things about Antarctica that we don't understand, even what is under all of the ice. Which is amazing. I just presumed that we knew that, Andy. I knew that I didn't know, but I just presumed that someone else did. I feel that way about so many

facts. I don't know what the capital of Botswana is, but I presumed that somebody does. I assumed that under the Antarctic ice sheet is, there's just some, some evil megalomaniac with a giant rocket. What, I think so. But just slightly regretting having concealed his secret hiding place and launch pad arguably too effectively. Well, that might be much more true than you think, Andy, because scientists have been using radar and other imaging technology to uncover what's under there. Apparently, under the East Antarctic Ice Sheet, there is a huge mountain range as big as the Alps, and they're

also looking for hidden volcanoes. I love hidden volcanoes, Andy. You never know what's inside them. As you say, it could so easily be an evil there. My dream is to live in a hidden volcano, Andy. The only problem you got there is the lack of natural light. But I'm guessing that's what makes living in a hidden volcano affordable, especially if it's not in a very expensive area. But as you say, scientists, those self-proclaimed arbiters of measurable facts, those unrepentant users of research and evidence have claimed that the eye shelf has shrunk by 85% in 70s. I can back that research up, John, because I put an eye shelf up in my living room last

summer to try to keep my books fresh and that shrunk by 100% within a day. So I can see, you know, this for me, this rings true, this scientific research. But the European Space Agency, had been doing this research using one of its satellites to snoop on the celebrity Southern most continent in the world. And with its hidden in space camera technology, it peeped on the Larsen B. I. Schelf, stripping off 85%

of its ice. And some problems with satellite technology, John, when I, Schelf, know they're being watched by the scientific paparazzi, they just get paranoid about body shape and just start trying to lose ice for the photographs. It's been a bad time for the Larson ice shelf family. Larson be falling to pieces for almost 20 years now. Larson, a disintegrated completely and died in 1995. Larson see just about holding itself together, but I mean, it's just, it's like the Jackson's all over again

And to finish our Antarctic section A rather delightful quote from one of Scott's contemporaries, I believe a Explorical absolutely cherry garard Who said polar exploration is at once the cleanest and most isolated way of having a bad time which has yet been devised Is that true? Yeah, that is a quite good. China news now, and when you hear someone shouting, I need a way way.

You know, it is either a small child still mastering the age-old art of bladder control, or it's the Chinese government trying to control the renowned artist's anteced Ai Wei Wei. And he's hit the headlines again. Following on from previous artistic stunts including last year's piece of installation art entitled myself in a prison cell for no reason. Bit modern for my liking John, why couldn't he just paint a picture of a horse like George Stubbs used to? And also his current interactive exhibition, oh no I've been grounded, my government doesn't understand me.

And he has installed four live webcams in an effort to satirize the surveillance that the Chinese police have put him under 24 hours a day since his release from jail. That's right Andy, he is one Chinese artist who has been repeatedly speaking out against the Chinese government's human rights abuses. And when you do that, you can be sure of one thing. And that is that the Chinese government will provide you with food and low grade lodging, completely free for the foreseeable future with fellow like-minded people who also thought it would be a good idea to run their little mouths off. So, yeah, the odd question is,

I-we-we, or name not found if you Google searches, name is in China. I-we-we is both one of China's best known artists and best hated artists, depending on who you are. He is famous, which I guess makes killing him, for a straightily difficult. And he's also the son of one of the Communist parties most revered poets, making his criticism even harder to swallow. Now in April 2011, he was detained by authorities as he boarded a plane to Hong Kong and held in a secret location for 81 days.

He was freed on condition that he would not speak to the media, a condition that he has in every sense not kept. Surely the Chinese government should know by now, Andy, that he's not speak to the media a condition that he has in every sense not kept. Surely the Chinese government should know by now Andy that he's not going to do what they say. They need to try reverse psychology, just release him on the condition that he do nothing, but speak to the media in the most critical possible terms. Then they can just sit back and wait for him to take a vow of silence. Instead, the government have been investigating him for so-called economic crimes, and several months later served him with a bill for 15 million yuan, about

two and a half million dollars in back taxes and fines. Now, I'm not an accountant, Andy. I don't know the full details of the tax returns in question, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that those accusations are at best, convenient and at worst, complete bullshit. It is starting to look, John, that's the Chinese government in an eye-way way. I'm just never going to get on. I mean, it could just be kind of a soap opera style, slow build up to a late flowering romance, but it just doesn't, it doesn't look good. It doesn't look good.

Especially because he's come up with a new imaginative way to infuriate the Chinese government. He set up four live webcams at his home, putting himself under self-surveillance in a nod to the 24-hour police surveillance that he lived under for the last year. He said that by setting up the cameras, including one above his bed,

he hoped to encourage transparency from all sides. He describes this project as a negotiation between private space, the public nature of security, and the power of the state. Yeah, it's true, it's true Andy, but it's also a good way to annoy the f*** out of the Chinese government. Let's not leave that important detail out.

But perhaps, as you say, this is gonna to be the Chinese government's defence, that all their human rights, abuses and restrictions on personal liberties are just a performance art piece as well, to make people think about how it would feel to live under oppressive conditions such as those. They're really posing the question, what is freedom with their ambitious 9.6 million square kilometer installation piece? If you are listening to this podcast in China, either everything has gone silent for the last few minutes, or you're about to hear a loud knock on your door, China is not a big fan of freedom.

That's the basic overall message here. China feels about freedom, how I feel about the Dave Matthews band. They just don't see the point of it and they find this popularity slightly depressing and occasionally infuriating. But not to worry. Luckily China has found a clever way to defeat the rise of freedom, and that is to crush it mercilessly under a government boot. Take the internet, for instance, the World Wide Web is supposed's supposed to be just like that. World Wide. And it's also supposed to be the Wild West, an unregulated land where anything is possible and banner advertising pop-ups shove the latest installment of the American Pie movie at Trosatite series down uninterested throats. China, however, sees the internet a different way. They see the internet like an irritating wasp at a picnic that must be swatted.

And the internet seems to few China a similar way. Although it's worth mentioning that Google has a different opinion, seeing China as a dominatrix under whose high heel they long to lie. But the anonymous hacking group this week launched an attack on China defacing almost 500 websites including government sites, official agencies, trade groups and many others. They placed a message on the site saying that the attack was carried out to protest against the Chinese government's strict control of its citizens. The message read, Chinese government, you are not infallible. Today website is hacked tomorrow, it will be your

Vile regime that will fall. The Chinese government presumably replied by sending a message back reading, dear Anonymous, you have no idea who you're f***ing with here. China don't play that shit. You have just opened up a fortune cookie of pain, and the fortune in it reads, beware your own bullshitery today, For tomorrow, the next global superpower, will fuck you in the face. Now, it's, it's unfortunate as well that anonymous chose to post their message mostly in English, so it'll probably make

exactly as much sense to Chinese people as if you put a similar message up on the FBI website in Cantonese. But it was posted in English, John. But it was posted in English John, but it was English that appeared to be put straight through a translation, bit of translation software, because it makes almost no sense whatsoever. I'll just a couple of words from the message of solidarity with the oppressed that Anonymous put up. Over the years, the Chinese Communist government to unfair laws and unhealthy process to control the people.

Dear Chinese government, you is not never fall. And today the website is black. Tomorrow is your eag-evil regime fell. So, I mean, it's hard to know what to read into that. I mean, yes, freedom is good, but arguably grammar is better. Yeah, the Chinese web surveillance system is more oppressive than a Victorian sex education teacher who's allergic to the word penis. It's more constrictive than a Burmese python that has your balls and a nutcracker.

I'm saying it clamps down pretty tight and, tighter than an oyster with an attitude problem. The system is one of the most comprehensive surveiler systems in the world and it's known as the Great Firewall of China. In the future Andy tourists will come from all over the world to fail to look at what's behind it. Apparently, astronauts can even Google it from space. The Great Firewall, which definitely sounds like something evil can evil would have tried to jump over. Second, mentioned for evil can eat this. Oh yeah, that's a big, big, big week for can evil. It returns no results for searches of ban terms, censors, chats and vets, blogs, ban topics

include the Falun Gong, spiritual movement and human rights activists, Iwayway. The system polices where Chinese people can go online and tries to restrict what they can talk about. Chinese centres are even actively targeting social media sites such as Facebook and Twitter to stamp out any discussion of banned topics. And you can't stop people talking about the things they most want to talk about. What, I mean, you can. You can do that or you can at least give it a very good go as the Chinese are proving, but you shouldn't. That's the point. It's like banning Belgians from saying the word waffle. It's what in their hearts. Without the abilities to say the word waffle, Belgians would just stare blankly at the space making grunting sounds at each other. Testify.

Bugle Feature section now and a very special property section this week in which we are taking a tour around our much loved producer Chris's house. Now thanks so much for inviting us into your home, Chris. Pleasure. It's great to be able to go on this tour around your house and land. And what a paddha's is. I'm here in the living room here in Chris's place in Hackney and East London. It's modeled if I'm not very much mistaken on Nero's famous palace, the Domus Arurea in Rome,

right down to the live dolphin in the pool. Just, I don't know, but too much we'll see, I'll be honest, Sardine, just an hour. And the sofa, it's the ultimate in luxury, this Elkskin sofa, but it also has a bit of history to it, Chris. I believe you brought it to the auction, and I believe this is the sofa from Downing Street where in 1985 Margaret Thachson Ronald Reagan came one badly-time knock on the door away from making out. Ha, ha, ha.

Lovely bit of history. So I'm a Droughtic Sluder just by the door there. That looks eerily unbelievably realistically like a bowler constrictor. That is a lovely touch. I don't have one. Ow, get it off me. Get that fucking thing off me. Get that f***ing thing off me.

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ow! Don't know why if I like her. Into the kitchen now, and, well, it's quite him here now, Chris, but from the look of the place about two hours ago, is echoing to the sounds of the dying screams of some very angry livestock.

The Zanussi home abattoir. How long have you had that? A couple of years. You want to sharpen the blades on that mate. They're not made to last anymore. Into the garden now and the sweet smell of hackney redolence in the air and Chris, I have to congratulate you. That is easily one of the finest urban vineyards I've ever seen.

And a man who owns his log flume is a man who has your full and undivided respect. Up here on the battlements now and what a delightful 18th century siege can and that is... That should keep the local riff raffle away. And finally let's just see what Chris keeps down here in his cellar. Oh my god. Can I go now please? Please, I want to go home please. Let me go home. You can join in if you like. Your e-mails now and we have an email here from James Lynch, another subject line, Assad don't talk just kiss. He says, I was amused to hear Andy speculate about the meaning of

kiss in Syrian Arabic in the bugle discussion of Bashi, Bashar al-Assad's iTunes favourites. Having studied, I'm 60 and I know it. This is how I roll. Lefus Cape Townsall out of control. God phenomenal song. That's been in my head ever since we played that Andy. It just shows how it's been in my heart ever since. Yeah he goes on to say having studied Arabic in Damascus for a year. I can tell you the fact. I can tell you in fact that the word kiss is almost the exact equivalent of the C word in Syria. Thus a favourite insult in many Middle Eastern countries is the charming kiss or mac, your mother's blank.

Now I'm not sure what this might tell us about, to Bashar, in terms of his fondness for the song, don't talk just kiss, but I thought he'd wanna stay abreast of the Arabic swear words. Kisumak Chris, he says, very nice. I'm always interested in Arabic swear words, Andy. Yeah, that is an endless well of profanity. That's right.

If you know any further Arabic swear words, you think we should be alerted to? Do email them in. Well, that's... You're going to regret some asking that question. To info at thebugelbodgast.com or bashiratacad.serie.com. This email came in from Pierre-Luc Gagnet and had various emails on this subject and comments on Twitter as well. On the subject, Stephen Harper. Hello, Chris and Ian John in order of ability to get basic facts right about Canada.

Last week, John, you called Stephen Harper the President of Canada. You moron! Stephen Harper himself did not put back the royal in Royal Canadian Navy and Royal Canadian Air Force and replaced famous Canadian paintings in Ottawa with pictures of Queen Elizabeth to be called President. No, Sir, Canada is a proud abuser of the Westminster system and a former colony of the UK. We therefore have a stupidly conservative Prime Minister just like you across the pond regards Pierre-Luc Gagne.

So that is us putting our place by Pierre and several other emails about. But the question is John, Prime Minister, President, it's still Canada, it doesn't matter. You're bearing the lead there, the lead is Canada, so it doesn't matter. And this came from James, who writes on the subject, losing my job. That's a good subject. Dear John and Andy, while listening to your latest podcast, I found an interest in looking at what a pasty was. I made two mistakes.

The first, of course, was listening to the bugle at work. The second was using Google Images instead of a regular search. It seems that pasty or pasties are, in fact, small glittery pieces that are meant to go over a woman's nipples as part of erotic shows. Really? I mean, that's a Cornish pastie as on, anyway. It doesn't matter thinking about. I'm sure there's probably a website with that as well. So imagine if you... There's nothing sexy in the Cornish pasties strapped to a woman's nipple, Andy.

Testify. Imagine if you were a young male at work who's boss can easily see over his shoulder-ess computer. Now imagine this worker has a computer screen full of women mostly nude. I thank whatever god I don't really believe in that my boss was at lunch, or I'd probably have lost my job. So I'm misled in my subject line, but I feel this stupid little story deserves to be told to someone from James. Well, when that's pasty or pasty, that's those are two words you do not want to get mixed up on various different occasions. Do keep your emails coming in to info at thebugelpodcast.com. And don't forget, you can listen to the bugle on SoundCloud. Go on, do it now. with safety at the moment. Ice hockey and American football are being forced to take a long overdue look

at concussions, but thankfully there is one sport stepping up to replace the element of reckless endangerment of human life which is at the root of all great sport since the classic Christians versus Lions boxing tournament of the Roman era. A new sport has been launched in the US called Taser Ball. Now imagine in your head what Taser Ball might involve. That's right, it's that. It's that, it is exactly what you're thinking of. It's described as a variation of sports like rugby, soccer, hockey or football, but there's a big difference.

Each player carries a stun gun and is allowed to electronically shock whichever opponent is carrying the ball. Come on Andy, it was invented by three friends who wanted to make a game that they described as more intriguing than the usual sports. I don't know if intriguing would be the word I would use there as f***ing insane. Ultimate Taiser Ball, which is called UTB for short, pits two teams of four players against each other.

Each team tries to get a medicine ball into the opposing team's goal whilst tackling and attacking the other teams carrier. A stun gun manufacturer released a statement saying, stun guns are designed to incapacitate people using electro shocks that disrupt muscle functions and were intended to be used for defense purposes, not for sports.

Oh, shut up! Just because they found a better way to use your product. Yeah, ultimate tasteable. But, I've always preferred pen ultimate tasteable. I just don't like the feeling of finality. It just slaps your own mortality in your face like a freshly executed haddock. But it skirts that fine line, John, between aggressive policing and sport,

which is of course how most sports began. And beside it, you think this is violent, John. Have you never watched rugby? A tazer is nothing compared to a 19 stone samoan flying ahead first at your ribcage, as if he's just been fired out of a cannon. The inventors of the game said, just because no one intended Taser for sports doesn't mean that they aren't good for them.

And I think that's a very, very strong argument. The same is true of the harpoon, only a few weeks ago. And a you, for instance, invented Olympic cycle joust. Yeah. Sports have to evolve. Yeah, I think, well, Taser wrestling and the Olympics, you can see that really taking off. Because what is Greco-Roman wrestling?

No one really knows what it is. It's just like rolling around in a Liatar quoting Virgil, I think, isn't it? But Chuck a Taser in. Everyone's watching. In Ultimate Taser ball and the AUTV players can get stuns between 35 to 40 times In a game and apparently they can give out between three to five milliamps Apparently it feels like a rubber band snap it's shocking

But it will only make you twitch or drop the ball and it works on the nervous system So no one will get immune to it. So we won't have to raise the level of the future to get the same effect You won't have to raise the level of the future to get the same effect You won't have to know But you might find that you want to anyway. How else are you gonna take ultimate tasteable to the next level ultimate turbo-tasable Lightning bolt level The teams of the league are called LA night lights the Philadelphia kilow Watch, the Toronto Terror and the San Diego Spartans. But other impending franchises potentially include the Buffalo Ball Blasters, the Boston incapacitators, the Sacramento Singers and the Miami Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Ah! Because the origins of sport are very interesting, John. It's great to see sport embracing technology in this one. I think other sports could learn from UTB and use similar technology to raise their audience

ratings. And well, it looks like Peter's lining up the blue to the left middle here. This could clinch him the crucial seventh frame. Oh, what's Alan doing here? Oh, tremendous tactics by Alan. He knew P2 was in a good position. So he's tased him in the nuts. Oh, it was perfectly timed there. Perfectly timed as super player terrific snooker Taisable begat, of course, after a gang of thieves stole a prize-winning pumpkin from a vegetable store and Taisable begat, of course, after a gang of thieves stole a prize-winning pumpkin from a vegetable store and police tried to fizz them with tasers as the robbers passed the pumpkin between them.

And that's what gave these guys the idea. And it's very interesting seeing the origins of sport La Crosse, John. begat in late 17th century France in Louis XIV's rat-infested kitchen. And the staff had to catch the rodents in a civil collender and then fling them to another kitchen hand by the window who had catched the flying rodent in his colander and hurled it out of the window into the moat. And they had to do this before the queen, Maria Teresa, saw them because she really hated rats and the word lacrosse, lacrosse in French, of course, literally means she is cross. Waterpoda began with a food fight on the Titanic, and apparently the last words of the captain of the Titanic were, I don't care if it's sinking, Marjorie, this is fun, now

catch my cantaloupe. Rugby of course loves you means of regulating homoerotic impulses in British public schools. And basketball, of course, the origin of basketball for interesting, it remains used by early European settlers in America for knocking parakeet eggs down from nests in trees. In fact, until 1917, professional basketballs played with a Carolina parakeet in the basket, and a basket would only be confirmed if the parakeet squawked. Sadly, North America's only native parakeet rapidly became extinct due to the invention of the slam dunk, and the practice was ceased. Oh, hang on. I've just contradicted my own earlier live out of the origins. That's good for all, no I'm confused. Oh no.

Cauting your own life. What's real anymore? Baseball now, and to mark the start of the 2012 Major League Baseball season, and I don't know about you John, but I'm going to watch all 2,450 games of it. We have a quick baseball quiz. Now you have to tell us which two of the following actually happened in Major League Baseball. A, Merkel's boner, B, the strawberry cheese fake or C Johnny Dickshot. Now two of those are real one of them is made. Every background one of them is made of background on them. Merkel's boner knots and undercover scoop by the German newspaper D-Build which when it comes out next week could prove the most explosive story in German politics since well since let's not go into that again. But Merkel's boner was, in fact, an incident in a Brooklyn Giant's V-Chicago Cubs game

in 1908, when the Giant's Freddie Merkel made a pace-running error that cost his team victory. And it came for some unnormal reason to be known as Merkel's boner, possibly related to him finding bottoms of ninth innings, strangely erotic. Possibly because of his trademark celebration in his team one game in which he chewed an ox bone like a ravenous dog before throwing a hinge to the crowd and shouting, woof. The game had to be replayed as the final decisive game

of the season, the Cubs won, the Giants were eliminated, the Cubs went on to win the World Series for the final time 104 years ago. That was Merkel's boner, the strawberry cheese fake, Darrell Strawberry, the Metz and Yankee's legend. He received a 20 game ban in 1992 for repackaging low grade Danish blue cheese, passing an office genuine stilton and selling it at a 500% markup in a food market in the Bronx. And that was the Strawberry Cheesefake. And Johnny Dickshot was in nickname earned by Major League of Johnston Harmetas in the 1920s. Harmetas of the now defunct Washington

Sputunes, when batting with runners and scoring positions would intentionally step into the line of the pitch and let it hit him in the groin. He would then collapse the ground in agony whilst opposition players rushed to check if he was okay and his own team mates scuttled round to home plate to score. The DICK shot earned Harmeta's 37 RBI's in the 1926 season. Before the baseball officials closed the loophole a man that balled to its slam players in the nuts, were counted as fair hits, which had been introduced to try and make the game more exciting in the 1860s. Harmeta's later explained that a chart had accident in which he was headbutted in the crotch by Hippobottermus on a school trip to to the zoo and left his nether regions impervious to pain.

So only two of those are real, John. What's he going to be? I don't know, Andy. I just don't know. I don't know. I feel like I'm caught in a web of bullshit, Andy. I just, I'm just waiting for a spider to kill me. Okay.

Well, Bugler's right, your answer's down now. And I'll tell you the answers in five seconds. Time. If you get them right, then you win the rights to play third bass man for the New York Mets for the rest of the season. And the ones that are real are a Merkel's boner and C. Johnny Dickshot. No, I'm missing my explanation of the Johnny Dickshot. Was not real. The strawberry cheese fake I'm afraid was made up.

Merkel's boner was the 90. Merkel's boner was the 19-hawai incidents. And in the late 1930s the Pittsburgh pirates did have a player called Johnny Dickshop, which he recently inducted into the baseball hall of fame's stupid name section alongside the lights of the St. Louis Brown's picture, Emil Bill Dilly. The Atlanta Braves player, wonderful terrific And of course, the Detroit Tigers immortal Rusty Cunts. And that's a real. I've got enough, I've got a bit of a boy who cried wolf is she going on here.

But that was a real. Johnny Dickshot played for the Pittsburgh Pirates in the 30s, the Pirates franchise horse later taken over by an East African Islamic group, relocated and renamed the Somali pirates. Well it's been got a bullshit heavy bugle this week. Sure has and I think there's something about Chris's house which is sending your brain into a very worrying place. And if you want to see more bugle like this live bugle, I have some gigs coming up they might like to come to. In particular the 13th of April in Reading at...

Oh no, it's not. Oh, it's not. Say candy. Also, that's a lot of lies that have come out of your face to join this butler. I don't know why they would think any of what you're about to say is actually true? 13th of April, Friday 13th, Reading the South Street venue. Barth on the 15th of April, although there seems to be some doubt over whether that would go ahead, but so check your local listings. And 18th in London, at the other belly, the upturned purple cow on the

South Bank. Do particularly come to that because it is a big venue and it feels quite spacious when there's not many people in it. 18th of April. That's about it for this week's Google. Thank you for listening. John, what's in store for you for the next week? You know, same, the same, Andy. Work. Sleep. Work.

Sleep. Repeat. Yep. I'll probably go with sleep, look up stupid baseballers' names. Sleep, look up some more stupid baseballers' names. Potato potato. Yeah, that's right. Thank you for listening, Mughalers. Do keep your emails coming into info at thebugelpodcast.com

and find us on SoundCloud. We forgot to mention them last week, so I've had to make up for it with three mentions this week. Bye bye. Happy Easter. Sorry for your loss. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

Ah. Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. Guilty, guilty, guilty.