The Bugle - Bugle 191 – A secret servicing

Episode Date: April 20, 2012

Sex scandal special! Plus, penguin eats newt, town proposes shocking name change and producer Chris is set to win the London Mararthon. Support him here: http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/HackneyEmpire Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The Bugle, audio's primary news franchise with me and his ultimate live in London. Hello, how are you all good, a former manager's other way and in New York City. USA, it's Jackie Chock machine himself, John Oliver. Hello Andy, hello, Bueglers, Andy, it's 420 today, I pull the 20, so have you been celebrating accordingly? 420. Yeah, 420 is apparently a very big day cannabis subculture,

Andy, so I'm guessing that you either didn't know that or you did know it have acted on it and have now forgotten it again. I've just I've just I've just eaten my way through it John, isn't that what people do with cannabis? I've forgotten I do worship the ancient Egyptian God Canubis was the God of tedious conversation but I'm a bit out of the loop. God of tedious conversation, but I'm a bit out of the loop. And how are you marking 420, John? Well, basically by bringing it up with you, Andy, and then that's it. I think I'm done. I've done all that I need to do. You're not going to Tokon D'Bifter at work.

I wasn't going to, but now you've said it like that, and I feel like I should. I assume everyone at the Daily Show will be mocking the occasion that one. I think Andy, by a token de bifida in that tone of voice, you may have just singlehandedly put an end to the cannabis drug trade around the world. You can't have supply if there's suddenly no demand. This is Bugle 191 for the beginning Monday, the 23rd of April. As we record, Friday, the 20th of April, 150 years exactly since Louis Pasteur finished his first dicking around with milk experiments and concluded that from then on, you'll be better off playing Russian roulette with a loaded

pistol rather than six glasses of milk as people had done up till then. Certainly pasta, we've got a lot of thank-in for, but he has made taking your kids out from milkshake a bit less exciting than it used to be, albeit considerably safer. Terrific little scientist pastor, all credit for the boy pops up with some crucial bits of science at key moments. And also a hundred years to the minute, since the first pitch was flying at Fenway Park, Boston, home with the Red Sox in 1912, and it was thrown by John F. Kennedy's grandad from the top of a mound, or was it a book depository? I forget, either way, a little bit ironic in hindsight. And 191 means we've now done the same number of bugles as the number of consecutive times that US President Gerald Ford's left hand lost to his right hand at scissors paper stone.

He kept thinking his right hand would change from scissors to stone so we just kept going with paper with the left hand. But he just forgotten that his right hand just loved making finger shadows of baby crocodile. just love making finger shadows of baby crocodile. And as always, the sector of Google is going straight in a bit. Now, this week, a very special section have been, it's a London marathon section, because on Sunday, the 22nd of April, 2012, Chris, are much loved and hated producer,

is going to run the London marathon, and just run it, he's going to sprint it He's going to be standing on the start line with one leg in the air, cocks like a cartoon character Before going on the B of Bang is that so is that your tactic? Well, if you can do like the 100 meters in 10 seconds, assuming you can keep that up How long is it going to take me? That's not long, is it? Not long. Fatigue is a state of mind, doesn't it? Yeah, absolutely. I feel I'm ready to do it. Anything short of shattering the world record, Chris.

Don't come back on the shatterstrophic folio. The world record will change hands this weekend. The absolute key is getting over the line quickly, isn't it? Because historically, if you're not... If you're stuck in that massive people trotting over the line 10 minutes after the gun goes off, you're not going to catch those Kenyans, Chris. No. So you've got to be out of your blocks like a pression picker out of a sausage factory. Chris is valiantly raising money to ensure that the Empire stays in existence and gets back

to its former glory. I can be no blocose which a British man could run. That's almost true. What, what, what, what Empire is it? It's the Hackney Empire Andy. Not, not the British Empire? No, it's it, it, it, it, it, it, imagine East London, then it's formed its own Empire. Right.

And, and then filled it with lovies. I think a lot of people did call the British Empire the Hackney Empire at the time, or Hackneyed anyway, the Romans had done it all before, to be fair. And if any bugler can beat Chris in the marathon, or indeed during the race, tell him to f**k himself, they will win this week's star prize, which is 10 years off the eternal damnation and hell that you will all probably get for listening to this show. In the section of In we commemorate the first ever marathon, all began in the year 490 BC, when Greece nailed a terrific win over the bookies' favourous Persia. At the Battle of Marathon, changing the entire course of European and World History, and as anyone who's seen the historical documentary, 300 Nose,

the historical documentary 300 Nose. Greece also ensure that we're recording this podcast, not slathered in Persian style makeup and perfume and wearing bizarre and drudging us clothes and jewelry, at least Chris and I aren't. We can't see John and it's none of our business how he chooses to live his life now. So Chris and I are just going to Greek style, oiled up with sandals and shields. Eyes up Chris, eyes up on my pieces of meat. Anyway, after the battle ended, the pro runner and fitness fanatic Fideopadies legged it, the 26 miles back to Athens with the final score, but he was exhausted after having pounded out 150 miles each way from Athens to Sparta and back to Os, this partens to help out. And so we arrived in Athens off the battle with only enough energies to say

Greece won before dropping dead. Another silence followed before someone asked, Greece won, Persia, what, did they sneak at a way, goal? He's really building up the tension here. Oh, he is actually dead. So he popped his clogs before he could even get a commemorative metal three Mars bar and tin foil cape, or be told that the guys in wheelchairs

had got their half an hour before he did anyway. And Chris is commemorating fighter padppadezes heroic feats, hopefully with that last bit. And also without the 300 mile round trip up and down mountains and late summer Mediterranean heat, it's not authentic mate, is it? It's not really that authentic. I do have to run through Southeast London.

That is probably psychologically worse. Ha ha ha. And also Phi Deppadees couldn't even, didn't even have the advantage of me able to keep cool by running in the shadow of a guy in a rhinoceros outfit, raising the manager of people with a rectile dysfunction who simply can't get the horn. Boom! Good luck! What, what? I mean, top three podium finish? Definitely. Yeah.

It's in all seriousness, I've got a chance. Everyone's got a chance. Because the Beagle podcast franchise is associated only with winners and we do not want a loser coming on and producing the show. And that is true. I guarantee I'll finish ahead of Tom. That is probably correct. Top story this week, Sex Scandals!

I've come to figure your photo copier. I don't have a photo copier. Ah no. Oh yeah! What a shame, Andy, that we left the Times and News International because this kind of tabloid bottom feeding is all they ever wanted for us. There have been some outstanding sex scandals around this week diverting attention from some of the incredibly serious things happening all over the world. Break down of the tenuous ceasefire in Syria, the looming war between North and South Sudan, the testing of India's

first nuclear capable missile. We could focus on those stories, we could, or we could, like the rest of the media, focus on titillating sex scandals. So, which is it to be? Oh yeah! You know how I do it, baby. I focus on the wrong thing all night long. on the wrong thing all night long. Oh my God. I think I'll need a bath. You can't wash your insides, Andy. Secret service scandal news now.

Last weekend, it was the summit of the Americas, hosted in the beautiful Colombian city of Katahena. Arriba. The... Are you wearing a thumbnail? It's not racist, but not racist, Andy. How dare you? How dare you? How dare you? How dare you? How dare you? How dare you? How dare you? How dare you? How dare you? How dare you? How dare you?

How dare you? How dare you? How dare you? How dare you? How dare you? How dare you? How dare you? How dare you?

How dare you? How dare you? How dare you? How dare you? How dare you? How dare you? How dare you? How dare you? How dare you? How dare you? How dare you? How dare you? What's the problem? The theme of this year's summit was connecting the Americas in order to become partners in prosperity.

But there was also very tough topics for President Obama to negotiate, including US opposition to the presence of Cuba, the effectiveness, all act thereof of the war on drugs. On that subject alone in the run up to the summit, Guatemala and President Perez-Malina said, we've seen the strategy has been pursued in the fight against drug trafficking over the last years and it has failed.

He's not alone in that concern, Andy. Many Latin American countries feel they're paying a disproportionate price for the war on drugs often in blood. Being a major drug trafficking route has turned Central America into the most violent region in the world. The relationship between the US and Latin America is tricky and delicate at best. What you don't want to happen, Andy, let me reiterate what you don't,

what you do not want to happen, is for your secret service to cause a scandal just before you arrive in the whole city by banging a bunch of prostitutes, you don't want that to happen. Definitely, I mean, it was that you don't anywhere in advance, that is a secret service, do not, not a secret service, do Andy. You would have thought that, I mean, it was that you'd do not. You do not. Do not. That is a secret service. Do not. Not a secret service.

Do. Okay. Andy. You would have thought that, you know, when you are a secret service agent, one of the very first things you're taught at secret service school, is that whilst on duty protecting the leader of the free world, do not bring a gaggle of prostitutes back to your hotel. Yeah. That's unfortunate.

Is that not un-foot? Item one on that checklist. Unfortunately, that happened, Andy. There seems to have been a very key misunderstanding over the code of conduct required to be a member of the Secret Service. I think they may have taken out a copy of their contract before going out that night and read it,

saying what says here, um, protecting serve the president, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah says here, um, protecting serve the president blah blah blah blah, protect his life above all else blah blah blah blah blah. Honestly, I can't find anything that says, don't sleep with local prostitutes while scouting presidential visits. And I'll feel like if it was that important to them that we didn't do it, it would have said that specifically here. Okay, that's a way off my mind.

Let's go out and get some prostitutes. That's a green light as far as I'm concerned. Or wait, at least greenish. It's got a greenish hue and that is good enough for me. I was sure, John, because I was 20 odds staff involved in this seat and service and military. And apparently about 20 women involved.

Were they not just trying to find a way of ensuring they could stick with the traditional American boy girl, boy girl seating planner dinner? So I'm just the easiest way to do that. There are a stickler for formality, Andy. We know that. But now, prostitution is not a crime in Colombia. And in fact, this whole thing might have remained secret,

which is supposedly an area that the secret service specialised in. Were it not for the fact that one of the agents seemingly attempted to short-change one of the prostitutes the next morning morning and that is when all hell broke loose. The exact details are not entirely clear. One thing for sure is that the group of military and secret service agents were parting at Katahina's play club, which has been described as a high end strip club in an industrial part

of the port city. Now, if I could just stop right there, it seems that a group of secret servicemen, partying in a high-end Colombian strip club, is at the very least not a great idea. Unless you're pitching it as the plot for a new movie featuring Zach Efron as an American Secret Service agent and Antonio Banderis as Maria, the Colombian prostitute with a heart of gold and a noseful of cocaine, the world. And he's got a lot of interest in the world.

And he's got a lot of interest in the world. And he's got a lot of interest in the world. And he's got a lot of interest in the world. And he's got a lot of interest in the world.

And he's got a lot of interest in the world. And he's got a lot of interest in the world. And he's got a lot of interest in the world. And he's got a lot of interest in the world.

And he's got a lot of interest in the world. And he's got a lot of interest they did what God intended if God was a low budget pawn script writer. The next morning, what's going on? Let's look at the first scene of his whole magnum opus, John. A guy and a chick stuck while it make it in a garden with an extremely phallic-looking animal in a tree. You're right, Andy. Let's look at how the Bible begins. In the beginning was the word. Oh, yeah!

Take their big leaves off, baby. Yo, don't need that shoe. Yeah! Take their big leaves off, baby. You don't need that shoe. In the beginning was the word, and the word was, oh God. So, the next morning, this woman claimed that she's just... We just put another 50 years on our eternity in the open. Drop in the ocean, Andy. Dropping a fiery ocean now. She argued with two secret service agents,

then went to the Colombian police who reported the man as the US Embassy. There are two versions of the dispute. The first is that the argument was over between $40 and $60, when the woman got angry with the two agents, after they refused to pay her full price for servicing both of them, instead, they only agreed to split her price. That is at best cheap Andy and at worst gross professional misconduct. The other version was that the woman actually asked for $800 the previous night to sleep

with one man, he agreed, and then renauged on that deal the next morning instead offering $30 instead. That is some aggressive haggling, Andy. And it makes sense of the secret services motto, worthy of trust and confidence. And then of course in tiny letters and also relentless in pursuing low, low prices from prostitutes. The problem is not merely that the secret Service were secretly servicing, but that the agents were alleged to have quotes brought foreign nationals in contact with sensitive security information, which is either an odd euphemism, a strange fetish, or, as you say, gross, gross

misconduct. And as a result of this, the agents were quickly relieved for the second time in a matter of days. And a Republican Senator Peter King said it seems that the Secret Service had quotes really lucked out. And if the women had been working for a terrorist organization, they could have had access to information about the president's whereabouts or security protocols in the agent's rooms, which, I mean,

it would seem a slightly odd way to go about it if you're a top level terror organisation to send 20 agents to work in deep cover as Columbian prostitutes. That is not the most targeted use of your resources. You're right, Peter King's exact quote was that he said, so far, there is no information that any of them were involved with any NARCO terrorist group or any organitis crime. Oh, that's good Andy, so they were just good, honest, trustworthy prostitutes. It does look like the Secret Service have a PR disaster on their hands now, as an investigation

begins as to the depth of this scandal, which my involved, as you say, as many as 20 women, 11 agents and some other military personnel. Senator Susan Collins, who was briefed by the director of the Secret Service, Mark Sullivan, said that he was, and I quote, rightly appalled by the agent's actions and is pursuing a vigorous internal investigation. But I think that's all that the secret service one we're trying to purchase, wasn't it?

And they boom! The big pro goes blue. That's right. You can't take the headphones off your kids ears! You can't spend the adult time! You can't spell bugle without BLUE! Ha ha ha! Senator Collins said that she'd asked her Mr Sullivan a number of questions during her phone

briefing, such as, who were these women? Could they have been members of groups host off to the United States? Could they've planted bugs, disabled weapons, or jeopardized the security of the president or our country? And those are all legitimate concerns, and also show that Senator Collins might have been watching slightly too many James Bond movies recently.

Did any of the girls come iconically out of the ocean in slow motion and wearing white bikinis? Did they try to snap any of your necks with their powerful legs? Did they have amusing, do-along-troner and names? Were you at least able to fire the man of the ejector seat on your cars or shoot them with your pens that actually become machine guns if you click them 14 times? I do hope so. Not everyone is so fussed about it though, John. The mayor of Cotaginia, Gamboy Leach, said on Tuesday, it doesn't bother people at all.

First, because adults were involved and second second, because here, it's normal. So, John, is there not an alternative explanation to this? That's, like, all good spies. These secret services are merely trying to blend in with the locals. Let's cut them some slack, John. Cut them some slack. Also, we don't know their intentions, you're right, Andy. We need to wait until the results of this investigation.

Maybe the agents just wanted to save the prostitutes, like Richard Geier. Now, why is it that when he does it in pretty woman, Andy, it's heroic, where they do it in Colombia, there's a congressional investigation. All we're asking for is some consistency. So 12 agents have now been relieved of duty and sent home.

And former Washington Post reporter, Ron Orkessler calls this, clearly the most embarrassing scandal in secret service history. I don't know if it's the most embarrassing. And it wasn't that time a bit more embarrassing when you know the President got shot in the head. Was that not a little more embarrassing? Or, you know, when Reagan got gunned down in the street? Those two snaffos seemed a little more embarrassing? Oh, you know, when Reagan got gummed down in the street, those two snaffos seemed a little more embarrassing than this. Oh, no, I don't know. I don't know what their tolerance level for embarrassment is.

Maybe it's higher. Italian sex scandal news now. Oh, hang on. Hang on, we're doing a sex scandal section. It's a talent. Can I guess... Can I guess who's involved in this? Sure, yeah, sure. Is it the former Italian football manager,

Arigo Saki? Oh, it's not him, Andy. It's not him. It's a good guess. Is it the Italian 19th century national hero, just happy Gary Bolde? I'd actually heard something about him, but that hasn't been verified yet,

and he saw it's not here. Okay, last guess. Burlaskoni? You know it is, Andy. Oh, awesome. It would be wrong, Andrew, and not just wrong, but borderline impossible to talk about political sex candles without mentioning Silvio Burlaskoni.

It's like talking about Michelangelo's David without talking about his penis. Yeah. Yeah, you can do it, and people do try to do it, but should they, Andy, because you can't have one without the other. Sylvia Burlusconi's, currently on trial, and I really want to speak to you. I really want you to host a series of documentary

at some point in your career. Yeah, I'll take it in a different direction. Now we look at this Rubens picture and, oh my word, we look at those. Oh, oh my word. Don't say a thing, just enjoy it. I mean, for crycuse sake. Sylvia Burmaskone is currently on trial

and there is a phrase that has been used hundreds of times over the years. That phrase is so un-reused, Andy. It slightly squeaks when you speak it out of your mouth. And a witness, one of the current trials, has said that stripper's dressed as nuns performed for the Italian Prime Minister, former Italian Prime Minister, at a party that he hosted. So how's that news gonna go down in a predominantly Catholic nation? And well, it'll probably go down like all the rest of Burlusconi's antics did over the years,

inexplicably well. I mean, I like to see the positive in these things. And maybe this is a sign that Burlusconi is trying to work himself towards respectability. He's trying to work himself towards respectability. He's trying to wean himself off strippers and prostitutes by getting the women to dress as nuns so he could bring himself closer to the Almighty Lord. It's just step by step how it starts. That's interesting.

With strippers dressed as strippers, then he moves on to strippers dressed as nuns. Then he will eventually get to nuns dressed as nuns. dressed as nuns, then he will eventually get to nuns dressed as nuns. Perhaps via nuns dressed as strippers who could try to convert him to celibacy, which would be a hurt-killing and task, converting burlis-gone to celibacy. I imagine that years after he dies, he will still be trying to get it on with the lady worms, or the lady end of the worm, which is definitely not what. The woman alleges, and we can assume that she's probably telling the truth from this past history, that the first night that she went, she saw two women in non-costumes stripping

for the Prime Minister, once she said, was Nicole Minetti, now a regional counsellor for go these people are free to party in my land. Oh Silvio, nobody does it better. Nobody does it. How fast could as you Silvio you're a douche. Now hold on no Andy because you're right to be fair. What did she actually see? Let's deal with the fact, Andy. Women dressed up as sexy nuns taking their clothes off. Well, could it be perhaps that he might have just seen them in non-costumes and said, that's very offensive to me and to the Italian nation. Please take those offensive garments off immediately and then tell them to do it slowly so he can be sure that they were doing it right. Is that possible? No, your writer isn't burlaskone, he's a scumbag.

The Italian newspaper, Corriela Delecera, reported last week that burlaskone had paid 127,000 euros to three female witnesses, including Miss Manetti since the trial began last year. He's playing off witness in that? No, John. No, of course he's not doing that. As his lawyer explained, he denied that they were an attempt to influence the world.

Oh, that's thank goodness. So that they were entirely legal and merely reflected. And I quote, Burlesconi's unusual generosity. Why must we always be so cynical about him, John? Yeah, that's right. Oh, he's shown himself a man who loves women, arguably a little too much. So why would he not pay them 127,000 euros during a trial?

I mean, that's... Yeah. Well, why would he not do that? Go get yourself something nice, like, I don't know, a non-costume or something. He's been involved in cases now relating to underage sex, bribery, prostitution, tax fraud, violating official secrets. This guy is the daily Thompson of being implicated in a scandal. There is nothing he cannot do.

Aircraft sex scandal news now, and NASA have announced that one of their jumbo jets is pregnant. After being, quote, covered by the retired US space shuttle Discovery in the skies above Washington, D.C. If NASA's ambitious, if controversial breeding program bears fruits and when assumes the renowned space agency will have taken care to select a lady jumbo which was ovulating at the time of the mounting, the Shlumbo jet could revolutionize long haul travel for everyone. But apparently the reason they had to do it over Washington is because the shuttle like so many spacecraft can only perform to its best ability when it

knows it has the attention of leading politicians that's always been the way with spacecraft. And they be honest, was your only interest in that story the fact that you came up with the term Shlumbo jet? Not the only one, John, but the only that was certainly effective. You just came up with that phrase and worked backwards from there. Just watch that footage again with that music that you put on under John earlier on. It looks just looking entirely different. Elephant slaughtering news now and elephants have been slaughtered by the great and famous

in alarming numbers recently. The sons of Donald Trump appear to have been slaughtering elephants. Donald Trump, Jr., issued a statement saying, I have no shame about the pictures showing him with dead elephants. I hunt and eat game, I'm a hunter and for that I make no apologies. Now there is there is a young man who really wishes he'd been born a hundred years before he actually was. I've got to not hunt something more useful than elephants like injustice or his father's dignity? This is the most disappointing Trump hunting news I've heard. Because whenever I hear the phrase Trump hunting, Andy, I wonder if my proposed competition has been taken seriously of releasing Donald Trump into Central Park once a year in a raccoon

costume and giving New Yorkers 25 minutes to hunt him down. Bad idea? Maybe. Popular idea. Indupe to believe. Now, you're right. This refers to the fact that photos of a most of Donald Trump junior and Eric Trump, Donald Trump's two sons, and living proof that the douche gene is indeed a redditary, are photos of the most of them smiling on a big game hunt in Africa with various animals they killed. In one of the photos, Donald Jr. holds the tail of an elephant and in another Eric Trump

props up a dead leopard. Now you might look at that photo and think, oh, f*** those guys. But ask yourself this, if you removed the elephant tail and the dead leopard from the photos, wouldn't you still think exactly the same thing? So have they got any worse, or have they got the same amount of loathsome just in a slightly different way? At least, I think one of the arguments here is,

I mean, they're defender them saying that the kills helped feed local villagers with their traditional delicacy of leopard car patio presumably. Right. But at least, you know, we're shooting an elephant. Have some balls, John. Now, if you're shooting an elephant in terms of difficulty of target, that is like beating Captain Smith of the Titanic in a pancageating contest. He has been in the sea for the last hundred years. Take on a genuine opponent. At least have the girls to kill it with a ceremonial

sword or by spiking its water hull with some lethal poison or by wrestling it, manoe years. Take on a genuine opponent, at least have the girls to kill it with a ceremonial sword or by spiking its water hull with some lethal poison or by wrestling it, manoe at trunco as God intended. Or by dressing up in an elephant suit, making it fall in love with you, then leaving it for another elephant, prompting it to commit a Romeo and Juliet-style romantic suicide. You have to work for your kill trump. I'm just shoot it with a gun. Yeah, Donald Trump Jr said, I can assure you it was not wasteful. The villagers were so happy for the meat

which they don't often get to eat. Well, f*** you, Donald Trump Jr. We should do it. And you can take the junior off the end of that as well for good measure. So we should actually be thanking the Trump Douches for their charitable leopard burgers and their elephant chop butchery for the poor business. Now, if they cared about those villagers

as much as I'm sure they don't, maybe they liked to donate one of their dad's stupid gold bathtops to charity to help them out instead. If incredibly Donald Trump himself is not a hunter saying, well, I'm not a believer in hunting and I'm surprised they like it. And if you find yourself less classy than Donald Trump, you've got a big, big problem in front of you.

You need to take a long hard bath with yourself and think the thing about where your life's going. And one of the arguments is that hunting, these elephants stops poaching. I guess in the same way that chainsawing someone's leg off, does stop them kicking you in the shins and in fantasized stops children being noisy on trains. You know, I guess, you know, there's two sides to every coin, John. And another argument, as we said, is that it's good for the local economy, but again, so would either Donald Trump's

gold bathtub being donated to that local economy or altering the structures of international trade and finance, that argument might be more effective waving a gun around in the IMF than in an elephant's face. Oh! New Gingrich Big Bit and buy Penguin News now! Look at that sentence, wash Over you for a second. Just enjoy it because that happened.

That happened. New Gingrich was bitten by a penguin. Let your ears taste that beautiful sequence of words. A penguin looked up at New Gingrich and without knowing what it was doing and yet simultaneously somehow knowing for sure that what it was doing, and yet simultaneously somehow knowing for sure that what it was doing was right, it bit him, it bit him on the finger. Would it have been better if it had bitten Newt Gingrich in the face or on the penis, or

on the ear, one of his oversized jowls then happily swinging there for several seconds? Sure, sure it would have been better, but we have to be happy with what we received. Because one thing is for damn sure. Newt Gingrich being bitten by a penguin on the finger is a f*** of a lot better than Newt Gingrich not getting bitten by a penguin at all. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha for the animal kingdom in this week. Exactly! Taking a lot of hits from the human kingdom. And, you know, penguin eats new, not necessarily a headland that would grab your attention until Wonder Who exactly was in charge of that as though.

But interestingly, the penguin in question gave a press conference to explain his actions afterwards, and we have some exclusive footage from that press conference on the vehicle this week. Hey, what's up? I was thinking through Mr. King Ridge, you f**king numbscal, you have debased the very concept of democracy with the tone of your nomination campaign. I'm paying, and since you are campaigning like a sardine, I will be treating you like a sardine. Snap, snap, snap, snap it is snap. And by the way, me too, Gingrich, this is also a vengeance for my people for Captain Scott eating my Grammy.

No further question. Gingrich, just to give you the back, you don't need any context for this story, for our Clevughlers, you just need to know that it happened. But if you want context, this is it. Gingrich was in St. Louis to speak to the National Rifle Association's annual meeting. And during his visit to a local zoo, he was treated to a behind the scenes visit with two penguins, one of them nipped him on the finger. A zoo spokes woman said a small bandage was all the medical care required, just a small bandage and a number of high fives for the penguin. That was all that was required.

That was all that was required. TOWN NAME USE NOW! And listen, bugles, there are town names and there are town names. And one town in Austria has a name so good, they're scheduling a vote to change it. The town in question is called f***ing. And the 104 residents of the village of f***ing will cast their votes later this week to decide whether or not to alter the name. And if they touch even a letter of it, Andy, they are f***ing idiots. The village's mayor, sorry, the f***ing village's mayor,

Franz Mindel, said in a TV interview, people are now willing to discuss changes to the spelling of the name, but first, all f***ingers have to agree on whether they want to change it or not. Now, all right, all right. I thought I was against this being changed before I learned that the villages are actually called f***ingers. Now, this is a cause that I'm willing to die for, Adam. Well, I'm just going to make this big quite a difficult episode'm willing to die for, Andy. Well, I'm just gonna make this be quite a difficult episode for you to edit here, Chris, because these fucking idiots

do, do, do, bleep that one. Cannot treat this fucking village, leave that one in with the, with the fucking respect, bleep that, that fucking deserves, leave that one. No one on the poor, fucking Mayor, leave that one. It's so, fucking annoyed, leave, No, no, no, bleep. Because the problem is British tourist, John.

I cannot see a fucking sign leave without fucking leave that. That's without as in outside, that the fucking sign is outside the village of fucking, because who's now? But without fucking it, the fuck up for the fucking residents bleep bleep, leave. Ha ha ha. For centuries, apparently, the tiny village the fuck up for the fucking residents, bleep bleep leave. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha of the Second World War discovered it, and since then the village's name has been a constant source of amusement and joy for tourists and irritation for locals. At least 13 road signs bearing the village's name have been stolen recently, and the site of semi-naked women posing

for photographs beside signs has become a common site. Now what's the problem here Andy? Sorry, let me be a journalistically accurate. What's the f***ing problem? Because as far as I can, sorry, let me be a journalistically accurate. What's the fucking problem? Because as far as I can see it, there is no fucking problem. Experts say that the town's name is derived from Foco, a sixth century per variant nobleman, and the modern spelling was adopted in the 18th century, in an attempt to curtail the fun at the village's expense.

Some locals want to re-adopt its 16th century spelling and replace the CK with a single or double G. So it's a hold on. It would be f**king. No f**king way, Andy. Those selfish motherf**kers need to understand that this isn't just about them. The only allowable changes that I will be willing to stomach if they insist on changing the name is to this. X-Fill. Chtown. King Norton. X-Burg.

Or the village of Bleepington upon F***. The village has apparently been particularly popular with British tourists, proving once again on nation's hard one and proudly guarded status as most infantile country in the world. A local tour guide explained the Germans all want to see Mozart's house in Salzburg. The Americans, when they come to Austria, want to see where the sound of music was filmed. The Japanese want Hitler's birthplace in Brown now, but for the British, it's all about fucking. And that is not a greater reflection on us, Brits, John. We come off second worst in that list.

Only second worst. What is up, Japan? What let it go? I'm not a fan of Mozart, I thought that's where you were going. Your emails now, this one comes in from Ed in Ithaca, New York, elevation 530 feet above sea level. Who writes, on the subject the highest point in Holland, dear John Chris and Andy. I just finished listening to Bugle 190, which Andy very neatly compared the moral high grant of American politics to the highest mountain in Holland. I enjoyed the humour of the metaphor, but I couldn't believe it there. I had to find out what, in fact, is the tallest mountain in Holland. Thanks to the magic of the internet, I learnt that the highest point in Holland is the

Volsberg standing in majestic 332 metres above sea level, which officially classifies it as a hill rather than a mountain. So, in fact, technically that does mean that metaphor stands. That means it is impossible to take the moral high ground and American politics by that definition. So, the satire never sleeps. However, the best fact about the Voltaberg is that only one-third of it is actually in the Netherlands. The top of the hill is the point where Holland, Germany, and Belgium meet just a few steps from there and you're taking a Leslie downhill walk into the magical land of beer and waffles.

So it's hard to see why anyone would stay at the top very long, but even more vexing why they should walk back down to the Dutch side unless maybe they forgot to bring their passport. Love from Ed, so glad we've cleared out that little factual backup. There's a great email here from Alan Martin saying, dear John and Chris, that's it.

Brackets in order of those most likely to benefit from my offer. What's listening to Last Week's bugle? I really asked it long last what my talent in life is. I have a sixth sense as to when someone is about to enter into a series of torture as puns. I instinctively felt that Andy was about to start punning a good 30 seconds before the first troubled word escaped his lips. I have a gift and I want to offer my services. I suggest I sit in on all future podcast and offer a canary in the mind service. As soon as I sense that Andy is about to start another crushing string of tenuous puns, I will start screaming uncontrollably, allowing

yourselves time to forcibly remove Andy's headset. Budget permitting, you can also equip me with a cattle prod so I can take the lorry to my own hands. I look forward to hearing from you Alan Martin London. Alan, I'll be in touch immediately after this. Well, I mean, come on, John, I know the puns are not everyone's cup of tea, or everyone's cup of tea heap, but it's split opinion, John. You know, the response on Twitter, some people are saying it was

the greatest cultural achievement in the history of the human race. Most people on email ISOs seem to think that you're seriously mentally ill, Andy, something from either first as a virtual structure. Yeah, well, I mean, that's something that's easy to catagryze it as a medical condition right? I like to think of it as you know I'm striving to take comedy to a new level so that we're

previously not thought possible. Take a potato. Well take a potato in that there's only one accurate one there. Do keep your emails coming in to info at thebugelpodcast.com and don't forget you can listen to us on our SoundCloud page. Boom. The underscore bugle. This is high, almost impressive.

High from the Google. High-pitched. High-pitched. You can use this under-score, not cutting this out. No one uses under-score. You could listen to us on our SoundCloud page. SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen bugle. That was pretty slick. That was pretty slick.

Sport now, and we had quite a lot of sport lined up but we've over-accorded yet again so it's going to have to wait. Do enjoy the Bahrain Grand Prix. I mean sure, sport and politics shouldn't mix, say some people, other than the fact that sport and politics do clearly mix from super nuts. So best of luck if you're a protester in barrain. Do you just focus on the sport and the quality of competition and not on the fact that your government is brutally repressing you? That's just sport, sport, and cure all things. And let it cure that. And if you want to hear my exclusive interview with the Grand National Winning Horse that I did on the radio last Sunday, it's on the seven day Sunday

podcast and it was a world exclusive. It's probably worth hearing very moving testimony. Well, it was really like to be there. That's all for this week's Bugle. We'll be back with Bugle 192 next week. The double century is in sights. It's in there getting the yips. Can we make it? Thanks for listening. Goodbye. Bye! you