The Bugle - Bugle 193 – Happy Deathiversary!

Episode Date: May 4, 2012

Osama Bin Laden's death commemoration special! Plus Gingrich promises holograms and 32% of the people of Britain have spoken. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugleers and welcome to issue 193 of the Bugle audio newspaper for a visual world. The comedy show that Dead Celebrities Homer, Leonardo da Vinci, Marie Curie, Jonah from the hit Bible story, Jonah in the Wild and Queen Bodicea would all have listened to had they been alive today and been contractually obliged to listen to it. I am Andy Zoltzmann, one of the top five billion funk-saxx softenists in the world, and in New York City is the man who has beaten by satirical beetle as a child and hasn't stopped satirizing stuff since it's John Oliver.

Hello Andy, hello Bugles, Andy, it's interesting you should mention the funk there. Yeah. Because last night we wrote a bit on the show that we thought could have a great cameo from George Clinton in it from Parliament's Funkadelic and of course the principal architect of P funk. Now, I could give you some more context as to why it seemed like a good idea, Andy,

but it wouldn't actually make much more sense than what I just said. The point is, it turned out it was actually available and doing a gig the previous night in the nearby city. So we made arrangements for him to come up, rehearse and do a bit on the show last night. The problem is, Andy, that even when you booked the funk, the funk is hard to pin down. Even when the funk's manager guarantees that the funk is on its way to you. There is no ETA on the funk handy. The funk is either in front of you, in which case it's there, or it isn't,

in which case it's somewhere else. You don't make plans to meet the funk handy. The funk makes plans to meet you, especially when it turns out the funk has missed its train in Baltimore. And it's having to drive up the Jersey Turnpike in rush hour with one of the funk's friends. Thinking that the funk was three and a half hours funking late. And when the funk arrived, Andy, it seemed a little worse for wear. And I wondered whether the funk knew quite where he was or what he was being asked to do until we started filming And it was like the funk looked in its watch and realized that it was funk a clock So what I was saying Andy is that I danced with George Clinton last night and he told me afterwards that I was a pretty good dancer Which I think proves two things one that the funk is extremely polite, and two, that the funk also lies.

So this is the Beagle for the Week beginning Monday, the 7th of May 2012, 25 years to the day since 1987, the day Margaret Thatcher secretly gave birth to Lady Gaga, and named her magic new child after herself. Then, shipped her off to America to be raised by the Reagans. Also, 60 years since the Queen, in the early days of her reign said, look everyone, I'm levitating. I knew I was magic now, I'm queen. Before the then Prime Minister Winston Churchill said,

you're not levitating, Mom. You're bouncing up and down on my tummy. That's not the same. To which the Queen replied, shut up Mr. Trempoline, I'm having fun. 60 years ago today. Solid bullshit start, Andy. Thanks, John.

I'm afraid you're gonna get that first piece of bullshit on your belt. The funk did not visit me, John. That, Andy, because the funk never left you. Is there such a thing as Jewish funk, or not? It's a different kind of funk, and it's like a sweetener. It's not sugar, you know, it's kind of chemically generated to taste like sugar. So I believe there is Jewish funk, but I believe it's with a pH.

That's because it's transliterated directly from the Hebrew. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Top story this week, Happy Death of Versaerie! And look, I'm sure that there were some people who forgot Andy and Desperately had to run to the shop on their way home to get a sad bunch of wilting flowers. But this week was the one year anniversary of bin Laden getting shot in the face. And what a happy day it was, and he won the best uses for high-velocity-pointy metal that humanity has ever had. It is amazing to me that the greetings card industry left this anniversary alone. They've managed to commercialise almost every other course for celebration and the fact

that was not a one-year assassination anniversary line of cards is a little confusing to me. It barely seems 12 months ago that we were glad to see him go. We really found the perfect place to put that bullet in that face. We always him the worst of health wanted so much for him to go f**k himself. And now he's gone, the world is better. And I thought I'd write you this letter for 12 months ago together we said, ding dong the douche is dead. Happy death of aursary from mom. Now I don't know how you chose to celebrate and you know that many people here in America chose to head down to SeaWorld in Florida to see a recreation of the daring operation by their incredible SEAL team six.

It's basically six SEALs in night vision goggles and the with plastic machine guns, storming an inflatable version of the Abadabad compound that's floating in the middle of their pool. And they use their guns to shoot soccer darts at another SEAL wearing a long beard. It's incredible they are the best there is. beard. It's incredible they are the best there is. So it's become quite a political event as well understand your president has been accused of milking it somewhat. Bin Laden is dead, General Motors is alive I believe that has been the the Democrat's line on this. I guess on the flip side you could say that also under Obama's watch golf legends, Sevy Ballastiros is dead, but Fox News is still alive. Yep, so you're right.

You're right. You're right. Both way, sure. Gaddafi is dead and Apple computers are still doing fine, but also dead, Brazilian football genius Socrates, Lesley Nielsen, comic legend, Liz Taylor and Steve Jobs, you know, that were made of positive contribution. We can all cherry pick achievements. But still going, Trafford Gura.

You know, it's flip sides, John. Flip sides. The death of Ben Laden was an event that brought the whole of America together. So, it only stands the reason that 12 months later it is tearing this country apart. President Obama, as you mentioned, has been doing something of a public high-fiving tour this week, basically going around the country and saying, what's got two thumbs and is feeling pretty good about himself right now. Not bin Laden, that's for sure, because I f**king killed that guy.

He even released a campaign ad, reminding people that Mitt Romney had once criticized the president for saying that he would go after Al Qaeda and Pakistan if necessary. And this put the Republicans in something of a tough spot because the problem is that you can't say President Obama is exploiting having killed bin Laden without saying President Obama killed bin Laden. And none of them want to say that. Once the ad was released, it got so much traction that Romney was even asked by a journalist, would you have given the same order to take out a song of been larger to which he replied, even Jimmy Carter would have given that order? And

with the greatest of respect, by which I mean, with absolutely no respect at all. That is the standard meaning of that phrase. When anyone says with the greatest respect, it means that's with negative respect. Exactly. The point is, that's a profoundly stupid question to ask Romney, because what does anyone really expect him to say to that? Would I have taken out Bin Laden? Knowing then what we know now,

I'd have to say no. LAUGHTER The only issue Romney has with his past record of flip flopping Andy's, Now, I'd have to say no. LAUGHTER The only issue Romney has with his past record of flip flopping Andy is not whether or not he'd have killed Ben Laden. It's whether or not he'd have changed his mind two weeks later and brought him back to life. Boom!

Boom! Sit down, Romney. Is there any going to be an out there in a little fishing boat in the Indian Ocean with a defibrillator, would have... I'll change my mind! Well, if only Jimmy Carter had had the balls to take out bin Laden when he was president, none of this would have happened. Yes.

He lacked the foresight, I think. I think history will judge Carter harshly on that. Further details of emerged of exactly the circumstances bin Laden was living in, which is not really what you expect from an A-lister, as it doesn't think of himself. As we reported on the bugle last year, not only the one year anniversary of the death of bin Laden, but also the one year anniversary of the first use of the term f*** you, that's right. So, people with us for a year, a whole year has been in our mouths.

So, it needs to be commemorated. Yeah, so they're in the compound and they found $450 cash shown into his clothes Which I don't maybe just like having George Washington's face Oddly close to his skin to give him stuff anger about America, but that's an oddly specific sum, John Because I've been on the internet and there are only three things you can buy that add up to $450. He was saving up for an Nintendo Wii, a George Foreman grill, and a porcelain Chris Acabousi. What atrocity was he planning with that lot? Oh God, that is a fearsome list of ingredients. And they found two buffaloes. Well, you know, fair play.

Everyone loves jousting. They found one cow, because there are two things we know been Lord and Loved. One, pantomimes and two realism. And I think we were for the last year. They found 150 chickens. And I've been thinking about this, almost non-stop since then, John. And I think there's only two possible explanations for this.

One is that Ben Laden knew he was finished. He knew he was a busted flush. The only way he could make himself feel relevant and powerful anymore was by on the hour, every hour, getting six freshy laid eggs and crushing them in his bare hand, saying to himself, you've still got it, Aussie. You've still got it. That's what he was reducing.

The only other explanation, I don't know how to break this to you, is that a sum of in-lawden was holding a chicken fighting competition. Oh no. Now he wouldn't do that. Well, I've done the maths on this, John. I think with 150 chickens, it was most likely a seven round knockout, Wimbledon style. Now that, of course, would require 128 chickens. But he probably thought there'd be some fatalities amongst the victorious chickens,

so he had 22 backup chickens to parachute into the draw. Smart. In the event of one of the winning chickens dying. But the problem with this, John, is that you could end up with one of the chickens winning the whole competition, only fighting in the final. Right. If the winning semi-finalist died. And that's, well, that's just obviously unfair.

Yes, that's a little odd, Andy. But I guess he wasn't really a fair man. You know, that probably didn't even occur to him. And that shows you what kind of monster we were dealing with. Well, Andy, you put a lot of thought into that. No one can take that thought away from you. The one year anniversary is of course the paper anniversary. So as if to acknowledge that the US released a huge dump of documents

taken from the bin Laden compound last year. 17 letters, totaling 175 pages were released from the documents dating from September 2006 to April 2011, just before Bin Laden popped his obnoxious crocs. Now, that's a lot of pages per letter, Andy. That's over 9.2 pages on average per letter. No wonder Bin Laden was America's Penemy number one. He knew his way around the art of the handwritten note.

Their letters written to him and by him. And the correspondence show a leader who was revered, but also sometimes ignored by a field commander who dismissed him as out of touch, even as he urged them to keep attacking US targets. Now, out of touch, seems a little harsh, a criticism to throw at the big man Andy. If I could just leap to Bin Laden's defence here, and there's a phrase I never thought I'd hear myself saying.

Again. Big, big, big out of touch was entirely understandable for the man you once memorably described as the Torah bore a law-ignore. You'd be out of touch too if you were the most wanted human being on the planet. Yes, I'm guessing he could probably come across as a little aloof. But I'm also guessing that that's because every person he met, he instantly wondered whether they were going to justifiably shoot him in the face or not. He did probably have some emotional walls you had to break down. Apparently, signed all his letters though, the eye of bin Laden, some of the little love heart. Oh, lovely, something picked up from his mother.

In a letter from 2000 he wrote of quotes starting a new face to correct the mistakes we made. Arguably too little too late but you know at least a step in the right direction John. Correcting these mistakes all be it having sprinted a marathon in the wrong direction whilst dressed in a lunatic outfit. And I'm gonna guess it is certainly true that Al-Qaeda did make mistakes, certainly the whole slaughtering innocent people stick. That has to go down as a PR own goal.

It was a snafu. Yeah. And he also said, in doing so, we shall reclaim God willing, the trust of a large segment of those who lost their trust in the jihadis. Now, the key was they're a God willing, turns out the God was very much not willing. And yeah, seem to sign off on that contract. Other papers suggest that Ben Laden ordered his militants to look out for opportunities

to assassinate President Obama or General David Petraeus during any of their official visits to Pakistan and Afghanistan. That's hardly surprising as a piece of advice Andy. That's like Lionel Messi telling himself to kick the round thing into that neck contraption before every game. More interestingly, he warned militants not to bother targeting Vice President Joe Biden because, have I quote, Biden is totally unprepared for that post of president, which will lead the US into a crisis. Wow, hold on a second. Al Qaeda seems to be explicitly stating that Joe Biden is worth more to the global G had a light than dead. That has got to be a hard chimichanga to swallow for J.B. Andy.

Surely also, that does pave the way for Obama for the sake of America and world peace to richly sacrifice Joe Biden live. It's on national television. It's election year Andy. Can you afford not to do that? I mean, I know it would be a bit of a publicity stunt, but I mean, these things really hit home with the electorate these days. So let's be absolutely clear about this. If Biden was ever confronted by an Islamic militant with a gun pointed towards him, that militant would then lower his weapon and say, I'm sorry Mr. Biden,

but you can do more damage to the US yourself than me shooting you ever could. Has not been targeted for assassination ever felt more insulting than that? How's Joe Biden supposed to respond to this news? Yeah, you know what? Good, good, I'm glad you're not gonna murder me. I'm glad you actually, forget that,

fuck you, I'd be a great person to assassinate. Put me on the list. I demand that you put me on the fucking list now. So it could be that that situation would result in Biden and the terrorists wrestling around on the ground trying to get control of the weapon for Biden to shoot himself to prove how worthy he is as a politician.

In the letters, some of the branches of Al Qaeda are looking for funding from Bin Laden and some are looking for legal advice from him. Surely legal advice would be relatively simple just uh yeah what you're doing is still illegal. There's no loophole that anyone can find that means you can legally kill lots of people other than drone strikes the US somehow seems to have made them fine now. One of the documents found suggested that bin Laden was concerned about the branding of al Qaeda, especially as he feared the brand was getting a little tainted. One document suggested that the name Al Qaeda had lessened Muslims' feelings toward the

group, as it lacked any religious connotation, the name which is Arabic for the base, was first used to refer to some of the Mujahideen fighting the Soviets in the 1980s, and the document then proposed a variety of possible alternatives with Islamic things, including monotheism, G-Had group, Muslim unity group, Islamic nation unification party, and Al-Asqa liberation group. They seem to think these were great names,

but Andy, those are objectively terrible suggestions, and at risk of helping the global G-Had, which I cannot over stress enough, I do not wish to do. Here are some suggestions of the top of my head that I think would instantly be better. The boom squad, the flying douches, the bang brigade, the pull my fingers. That's just four of the top of my head, Andy, of the top of my head. He criticized the Pakistani Taliban for what he described as vile mistakes, including

indiscriminate attacks on Muslims. That reflects quite badly on the Pakistani Taliban. When a summer bin Laden is criticizing you for your standards of behaviour, you need to take a long hard bath with yourself and think about what you're doing. Well, in another letter, the Bin Laden advisor urged him to disassociate their organisation from Al Qaeda's spin-off operations in Iraq, known as AQI, and Bin Laden was trying to warn other terrorist groups not to repeat the Iraqis' mistakes. So, you know, Bin Laden was concerned about the Iraqis going slightly over the top with their terrorism. And it maybe, maybe he was horribly out of touch after all. Did not

one tell him that the entire planet had an image of Al Qaeda and himself as a bunch of platinum great arson? I'm not sure that he knew exactly what people thought about him, Andy. Bin Laden also said that he was proud of the security measures that kept his family safe for many years. He apparently boasted that his family adhered to such strict measures, even precluding his children from playing outdoors without the supervision

of an adult who could keep their voices down. Wow, it turns out it was even less fun than I thought it would be to be a bin Laden kid. Can I go outside and play Dad? No, absolutely not and you know why. Yes, because of the Zionist and the West want to have you killed. Can I at least have a snack Dad? Ask one of your mothers.

He probably died with his TV remote control in his hand as well, which I guess is possible justification for killing an unarmed man who might have switched over to strictly come dancing. He was basically a Victorian parent. He wants death to America and a return to the values of Queen Victoria. Apparently, there were two conflicting stories of what his last words were, one suggesting that he saw the American military lined up in their uniforms in front of him and his last words were, I suppose it's too much to hope that you guys are stripper grams.

The other is that, he had this remote control in his hand and he said, hey guys, you'll never guess what I'm watching. The hit Danish drama series The Killing. That's pretty ironic, isn't it? Not really Mr. Laden, nothing coincidence of the name. Structurally, the killing in The Killing came with the start, the killing. That's pretty ironic, isn't it? Not really Mr. Lodden, nothing coincidence of the name. Structurally, the killing in the killing came at the start of the series. This killing of you that we're doing

is more towards the end. You hope, said Bin Laden. Can I see the end of the series before you shoot me? How many episodes have you got left? Four. Nah, sorry, it was the dad that did it. I knew it. No, it wasn't, got you.

Another failed, Biddy Boy, bang, bang, it was the dad that did it. I knew it! No, it wasn't, got you. Another failed, bitty boy, bang, bang, bang. But not only have they found his last words, but also the US government this week has released a computer simulation of Bin Laden's final thoughts as a conscious human being and we at the bugle have got exclusive access to this exclusive coverage of Binland and his final conscious thoughts. in an egg. I am toast. Just a few moments to assess what I've done with my life. There are so many things I haven't done I really wanted to do. I've never quite fully got around to this throwing a medic at an all it stands for. Oh no, that was career goal. Hey, I haven't even come close. Maybe with hindsight I could have gone about it differently.

The whole acts of mass violence perpetrated on the initial stick didn't really catch Western public imagination. Still, if I've learned one thing from that, it is never trust a focus group, or at least never trust a focus group made up entirely of Islamic fundamentalist terrorists. Live and learn. Maybe we should have tried to convert people door to door, jaw over overs witness style. Hello, have you ever thought about him discriminating slaughter, institutionalized misogyny, and the destruction of civilisation as we know it? Okay, I see you're busy right now, should I come back next week, there's no need to slam that door in my face. Ah, hindsight, spine-side.

Never got around to wiping his head off the face or the glow by the. Never fulfill my lifetime ambition of breaking the 755 mile an hour barrier on a unicycle. I guess when I look back at things I have to say. I've never been very good at setting achievable goals. Oh well that's the 21st century for you I guess. So how do I make time for your career these days? Particularly when you got a wife and kids. And even more particularly when you've got six wives and 22 kids like I have. Silly, silly Aussie. I shouldn't have burdened myself with such a big family if I wanted to be so focused on my own career. How was I supposed to destroy the West, Israel and capitalism, if every other fucking weekend birthday party? I guess that's genetics. I'm like my dad, 22 wives, 57 children, an indecisive man, but

a randy one. Maybe I've been in the terrorism game too long. Should have moved jobs. I could do loads of other stuff. Sure I'm getting on a bit. I have proven organizational and communication skills. People might clue with what I've organized and communicated, but still, a good employee should look beyond that My lifestyle is felt so restricted recently my life insurance premiums are absolutely ridiculous cooking it triggers Man I could really do with some quality meat. I'm right now

That must be away out of this think was he think That must be a way out of this. Think was he, think? Huff, huff, huff, huff, Oh shit these are real wings. I've never buying anything of eBay again. Ha ha ha ha ha. Right, come on or something. At least go down with some unforgettable last words.

That to the south. No, just kidding the west. Ha ha ha. Oh you guys. No, I want some people that I don't remember for eternity. To look back on and centuries the comments say, what an unbelievable thing for a man to say as he departed this world.

Something like, there was no man from that tucket who'd tangled his bolts in a bucket. No, no, no, no, that's not really me, is it? I got it. Don't shoot me, I'm allergic to a lead. If you shoot me as health and safety violation. No, it might work. Right, go and define it or summer.

Looking at where they're aiming, this is gonna be at best a can air-ending eye injury. Haha. Clear ahead now. One final thought. Oh, oh dear. No, no, I cannot die with this in my head. I can't die with this junior mind.

I have some of the nut and the baddest bastard in the world. Can't die with this junior going around my head. Right now, I gotta stop watching kids TV. And who could come, Saniris? It's that. Bloody Western in for those. Think of some... Think of another junior. Think of of any other tune think of something else Oh yeah, I can't imagine this, I don't really like moving it that much

No, no, no, something else, something else That's completely inappropriate, no no no, grudging respect but no no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Well that's even worse, no, I'll take 5v in the flouts, I'll take 5v in the flouts. Okay, that, that what I have to do, okay, I'll look and send myself with that, okay, one final conscious thought before meeting my presumably quite done in pranks maker. Oh, crap don't impress make up. Oh, prepare for... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I'm gonna miss you ghostly kid. You got him. Yes, that's out. Why are you doing here?

What? Andy, for a star. This is for you. For me, John. What a scoop. for a star. This is for you. For me, John. For me. What a scoop. Congratulations. Like the Pentagon, they're the ones that got it.

What? You got hold of it, Andy. Well, I got it. I don't know how you did it. I'm guessing the fact you did get it is a huge crime. Yeah. All I'm saying is me and Condoleezza Rice go back a long way. New Gingrich News now, and well, sadly this week, as he promised, Andy, Newt Gingrich finally dropped out of the campaign for the Republican nominee for US President after finally being defeated by facts, numbers, and a complete lack of interest from the Republican base. And that very nearly brings us to an end of the Republican primary season, Andy, with only Ron Paul left hanging around. And

just look back at the names that have been and gone, Andy Perry, Bachmann, Santorum, Gingrich, Polenty, Kane, a Mount Rushmore of N names that you'd never want carved into the side of a mountain. New Gingrich dropped out with a speech as short as it was gracious, by which I mean it was f***ing long and completely graceless. He spoke as if he had a medical condition whereby he could only keep living if he continually heard the sound of his own voice. Like a linguistic version of the movie Speed. He was flanked by his grandchildren so they could take part in the moment when their grandfather

tacitly admitted to the world that he was a colossal crushing failure. He was supposed to endorse Mitt Romney during the speech, and he was not easy to do. Partly because he didn't want to, and partly because of the terrible things that he'd said about Romney over the last year. So, Gingrich's just strapped on his black belt in Verbald, Jiu Jitsu, and went with this. I'm asked sometimes, is Mitt Romney conservative enough? And my answer is simple. Compared to Barack Obama, you know, this is not a choice between Mitt Romney and Ronald Reagan, while then going on to say, because if it was, I would vote Reagan. And I mean Reagan now, I would choose the corpse of Ronald Reagan over Mitt Romney.

But as I'm denied that choice, I will go with Romney, because this is not a choice between Mitt Romney and a boiled egg. If it was, I would take the boiled egg. Gingrich added that Mitt Romney knew about 60,000 times more on the subject of job creation than Mr Obama showing the attention to detail and reason that he's known and loved for. But he wasn't going to leave Andy. He wasn't going to leave that room or the presidential campaign without some advice for the children of the future, especially his grandchildren standing right next to a linear shot.

He said, and I quote, I have to think that math and science is a better future than method of fetamine and cocaine. Although it might be worth pointing out that math and science can actually be appropriately used in the manufacture and marketing of either of those products, it would have historically been a high reward if I risk business model. Just in case his grandchildren were either not embarrassed or not confused enough by what angry granddad was shouting at the assemble press, he went on to refer to his widely mocked moon colony idea saying, I'm not totally certain I will get to the moon colony. I am certain that my grandchildren Maggie and

Rob, but we'll have that opportunity if they want to take it. And I'm guessing he's grandchildren and they're muttered to themselves. Oh thanks so much for using our actual names there, Grandad. There was a chance for a second there that we weren't going to get badly bullied for the next ten years. So thanks for clearing that little grey area up. And he closed his thoughts by saying, I think their generation will look back at the olden days when people didn't have holograms at home and they will live in a very different world. Wait, holograms at home?

I didn't realise that was part of his platform Andy. Getting back in the race, if he could produce an affordable rocket book, I'm going to be in DC screaming his name as he swears into office next year. Well, I mean, it's very hard to know what to say. It's such an emotional occasion as the death of Newt King Rich's presidential ambitions, but God rest their mortal soul. Rupert Murdoch News now and well, MPs in Britain have found that Rupert Murdoch is not a fit person to exercise the stewardship of a major international company in an official government report.

Or be an official government report that was not agreed on by the people who were reporting it, basically strictly on party lines. And it just goes to show that no issue is too important for it not to be reduced to infantile partisan game playing in British politics. We'll have more on this next week. We've got a slightly short record this week because John's got to go for a photo shoot, presumably in another suit too. And we started our recording a bit late here because I had to follow Alexandra Burke into the studio. Now I've absolutely no idea who Alexandra Burke is. I'm informed that she's a singer, but given that she was not dead before I was born, I've never heard any of her

music. So, anyway, clearly what she was saying was very important. So the beautiful, slightly curtail this week. So I'll have more on Murdoch next week. Yesterday, John, in some elections news, we had the London Meryl election and local elections across Britain, for which there was a 32% turnout, the lowest since 2000, of those 32%, 28% of people who did actually vote had to be taken to hospital after stabbing the voting pencil through their hands in frustration at the state of British democracy. I went to the polling station, John. I saw grown men and women openly weeping on their way out. I saw a dog barking at a pile of rosettes. And just as George Washington's ghost got stropping America a couple of weeks ago, so in Britain the ghosts of GladiN and disraeli were seen wandering around the streets of Westminster, empty vodka bottles in hand,

consoling each other saying, it's just a phase, honestly, it's just a phase. And I stood in a ballot box looking at the options to vote for, thinking about the British political landscape. And I felt, it's hard to express how I felt. I guess the word felt was this, that if you doodle the past all drawing of me in the ballot box, you could have sold it at auction in a hundred years' time for about $120 million.

It's been pretty depressing. William Hague, the Foreign Secretary, reacted to disastrous conservative results by blaming the coalition government and saying that the coalition restricted the ability of the conservatives to achieve what they wanted to achieve. No, Mr Hague, let me correct you on that. It was not the coalition that did that. It was the British electorate that restricted the ability of the Conservatives to achieve what they wanted to achieve. By deciding at the last election, that they didn't want the Conservatives to achieve what they wanted to achieve.

So I guess his subtext could have been when he was saying that Labour had done OK, but not as well as they could have done. His subtext was, we are ****, we should have done worse than we have. There were elections to decide whether or not other cities should follow London and having an elected man, notting a Manchester and Coventry voted no to having an elected man.

That with the 32% turnout, as I mentioned, it does seem that once again, at the ballot box, the people of Britain have spoken. And what they have said has been, nah. Haha, nah mate. Nah. Your emails now, and we have an email here from Brad Newton saying, dear Andy John and Chris, I was looking to bugle 190 when you mentioned a cricketer who played for the Philadelphia side named John Thayer.

Being from the city of brothery love, I thought it was worth a trip to go to Wikipedia to learn more about him. When, much and much surprise, I learned that he's my great-great-uncle through marriage, and my sister is named after his wife. That having been said, and now finding out that John had insulted a dead relative of mine, his final statistic, Caught in Bolde's iceberg, I'll give you a hearty, f**k you, John. Ha ha ha ha. There you go.

Some insults travel backwards through time. Ha ha ha. So actually, I should point out that Chris is not here this week. We have a stand in producer Ben. Hello, we see a hello, Ben. Thanks very much for stepping into the breach. Chris is in fact at the PEDS wedding. So that we see a hello, Ben. Thanks very much for stepping into the breach. Chris is in fact at the Peds wedding. So that's, you know, to frontline producers out of the game, Ben's stepped in and

has already copped some fuck you Ben's from Twitter followers. I have, and you know, I'm learning to deal with that. I mean, that's what comes with, you know, the honor of producing the bugle. You've got to take the flip side of it as well. It's a warm welcome. It was an honor to boxers when Mike Tyson punched them in the face. And it's the same kind of honor here.

You're being punched by the best there is. Ha ha ha. This email came in apparently from a didry-me-keleps who writes to an email address that I didn't entirely recognize. But anyway, I am in search of a prince. What's up with no apostrophe between the what and the... And no question mark after the up. I noticed your own photo on Facebook.

I'm keen on you a lot. We should communicate, I'm a female and only attracted to a man. LAUGHTER That was it. I mean, I've made it quite clear. I think, you know, we've both made it clear on this programme that we're married. I'll clearly de-edery mekeleps is, she's not going to be put off by that. She is a female. When that's something, we do look, I mean, that is certainly one of the qualities I look for in a romantic partner. Yeah, and they certainly have to be attracted to a man. Tarnacity, you know, you've got that too.

Tarnacity and an extremely unimpressive grasp of the English language. And willingness to use camouflage email addresses. Anyway, thanks, do email us again, did if you're really serious about this and I'll see if I can negotiate a time share. Do keep your emails coming in to the info at thebugelpodcast.com.

Don't forget you can listen to us on our SoundCloud page, SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen bugle. Bang, nailed it! First off! And Chris isn't even here to hear it. It's not even here to hear it. I was prepped to check that was gonna happen. All right, you have to be honest.

You've got the landing as well. So that's about it for this week's bugle. Next week we'll have a special Olympic section as Britain gets military on the potential threat. Yes. So we've installed a warship, John, in the Thames. A warship HMS Ocean, Dr. Grenich today, to protect the Olympics from many invasions up the Thames

by the massive and heavily armed navy that Al Qaeda have been building up in the mountains of the Hindu Kush. So we'll be finding eight links helicopters armed with snipers that can be launched at a moment's notice to bump off anyone who looks like they might beat a British athlete in a final. That's what it's all about, John. So our military are going to earn their cure and this service Olympics will have more. On that next week. John, enjoy your photoshoots. I won't. Just work the camera, John.

I will. Yeah. We know you love it. I have to. Ha ha ha ha. You are. Contractually obliged to love the camera. Thanks for listening, Bugleaus. We'll be back next week.

Good bye.