The Bugle - Bugle 194 – Global Election Round Up

Episode Date: May 11, 2012

So what's been happening at the ballot box in Mexico, Russia, Greece and France? The Bugle investigates. Plus, Obama shows Cameron how to inspire. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The Bugle, audio official podcast of the Planet Earth, with me and his ultimate husband, father, but it's for survivor, language management therapist and freelance javelin describer. It's a pointy stick that goes up and down when you throw it but it's best not usually dealing with an annoying moth fluttering and a glass lampshade or your wife will get crossed, that'll be 25 pounds please. I am live in Olympicsville UK and joining me from the Big Apple, it's the Big PIP himself. One of the world's top 5 billion Marilyn Monroe impersonators, it's the syringe of satire injecting jokes into the jugular of injustice.

It's John, the human toasting fork Oliver. Hello Andy, hello Muglers. Andy, death is a dick. Every now and then death will take someone who deserves to die. You've been laden, a colonel the daffy. A Hitler, if you will. But even then, it's usually far later than would have been appropriate or indeed useful. someone who deserves to die, a bin Laden, a Colonel Gaddafi, a Hitler, if you will, but even then it's usually far later than would have been appropriate or indeed useful. Most

of the time death is a dick. And that has been sadly particularly true this week, with Adam Yalko, the Beastie Poison, Maurice Sendak, writer of many amazing children's books such as where the world things are both passing away. Both of their deaths made the world a slightly less good place, and when I was looking over some of the tributes of what they both achieved I found an incredible interview with Maurice Sendak and in it he revealed that he tried to reply to every child that wrote to him and then he told this fantastic story which significantly brought him my week. I thought it was worth sharing. I quote this is what he says,

a little boy sent me a charming card with a little drawing. I loved it. I answer all my children's letters sometimes very hastily, but this one I lingered over. I sent him a card and I drew a picture of a wild thing on it. I wrote, dear Jim, I loved your card. Then I got a letter back through his mother and she said, Jim loved your card so much he ate it. That to me was one of the highest compliments I've ever received. Jim loved your card so much he ate it. LAUGHTER

That to me was one of the highest compliments I've ever received. He didn't care that it was an original drawing or anything. He saw it, he loved it, he ate it. I guess there are two immediate, emotional responses to that, Andy. Rest in peace, Maurice Sendak, and nice work, Jim. LAUGHTER And Jim, of course, grew up to be Heston Blumenthal. So this is Bugle 194 for the week beginning Monday the 14th of May 2012.

And as we record it's Friday the 11th of May. So happy birthday to Eric Burden, Britain's greatest blue singer. And it's 200 years to the day, John, as we record, since Spencer Percival became the first and to date only British Prime Minister to be assassinated. That is, if you exclude Harold McMillan, who is assassinated by natural causes in his sleep at the age of 92. The 12th century Archbishop and Celebrity Thomas of Beckett, who was assassinated but wasn and Celebrity Thomas the Becket, who was a satan agent but wasn't Prime Minister, the 1977 Wimbledon Champion Virginia Wade, who is 0 for

2 on being either Prime Minister or a satan agent for which we should be eternally grateful on both counts. I have nothing against her politically, I am just happy with her as a tennis bandit. Also if you include John F. Kennedy, who was American and not Prime Minister, but could have been, if America hadn't had to have just over in the late 18th century. And champion the Wonder Horse, the 1950s fictional horse. Um, who wasn't assassinated Prime Minister or a horse? Well, I mean, all those three, I'll think of that history, be the judge on that. But I personally was bumped off in the lobby of the House of Commons by lone gunman John

Bellingham, who was hacked off with the government and dealt with that hacked off in a slightly silly way with hindsight. He'd taken a friend to see a watercolor painting exhibition and then casually remarked he had some business to attend to, went to Parliament and shot the Prime Minister. That was a nice bit of classic British understatement, isn't it? Excuse me, I just have a little bit of business to attend to. He died in the House of Commons, presumably to cheers from opposition MPs about how he had broken a manifesto promise not to be shot dead whilst his press secretary hastily said a press briefing, trying to spin the story as personal, showing how in touch with ordinary people he was,

just by, like ordinary people, would dying. And an inquest was held the following day, and can you guess where it was held, John? I don't know, Andy, where was it? It was held in the Cats and Bagpipes pub on the corner of Downing Street. Naturally. Some say it was in the Rosen Crown pub. Either way, it was in a pub or more likely in two pubs. Right, before we get down to business, pint, yep, pint.

Only a half of you driving. God, have a pint. As long as your horse doesn't drink it will be fine. Pint, bloody Mary, too soon, Jeffrey. Pint, pint, pint. Right. Okay, I'll get some Chris. We'll get four packets of we can share them. Okay, so let's get to business.

Three hours later. Who's around, does it? We might as well get a couple of whiskey changes too. Okay, so how do we reckon the bastard died? Shot. Yeah, reckon he was shot. Yeah. Anyone think he got a set to see me

if I'm a rusty bullet? No, he was shot. Right, that, that, okay, it's closed. Let's see, these often head down the rows and crown for a couple more. And the golden tie fired for a quick booby. I tell you what, that Jane Austen. Oh yeah. And I'm not saying that system was wrong, John.

I'm just saying it was different to the one we have now for inquests. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. As always, the section of the bugle is going straight in the bit and this week it's a history of inventions. Part one of 5,000 collect one invention each week until you find solid and the most filarms of the rupee. Part one is the Party Blower. The Party Blower was invented by Florence Nightingale as a medical aid during the Crimean War. It was used in field hospitals where flow no one had fellow nurses would put a party

blurr into the wounded soldier's mouths. As long as there was a noise coming from the soldiers, they knew they were okay. As soon as the honking stopped, they called the priest. Party whistles continued to be used in battlefield situations well into the 20th century indeed in World War One soldiers were given party whistles when going over the top and if wounded in no man's land were tried to attract medics attentions by blowing their whistles indeed World War One's top rank well for a now and wrote these very moving lines. Most pettier sound across the night, from the lungs of the fallen in their final fight,

amidst the restless rhythms of the mortar blast, floats the tuneless music of the soldiers last. As a wounded owl hoots departing call to its beloved egg so small. SAFE ME FROM THIS SONG OF DEATH, FROM MY COMRED'S HONK OF FINAL BREATH. As if to say, man, this war sucks, the Hun really are a bunch of f**ks. And Lord Hague, as safe in your tent you sit, your tactics mate, they're a pile of shit. Walking straight at machine guns, well that's a clever stunt, you mindless fuck-witted shit-brained. Then silence.

But for the gentle, flit and flutter this way and that of the brave dead heroes pink party hat. This is so incredible about seeing Andy blowing one of those. I'm getting better. I'm getting better. There is. I mean, I don't know what's better, the thought of it or the reality. I think they're both amazing. I was sure that also I think that might be the first time ever that someone has laughed

at a wolf or a dog. No, I'm not. You're basically saying that for us 90-girl invented a heart monitor. That's basically what you're saying. Yep. F***. F***. I'm fine.

F***. F***. F***. Top story this week. Election Bonanza. Top story this week, election bananza! And the elections are like buses. You wait years for them to turn up, then a bunch will turn up at once, a number of them stink, and a few contains some very suspicious looking characters. All in all, you left thinking there must be a better way of getting where you need to go. Now, we all know that there is a presidential

election going on in the US right now between President Barack Obama and his Republican rival, Lord Mittford of the Michigan Romney Census. But there are and were a number of other elections around the world that happened recently, so all aboard the election roundup. French election news now. And this week France elected a new president. Now I know that most people are currently thinking, oh, but hold on, who gives a shit? And ordinarily, I would agree with you. But this campaign has been pretty interesting. Just maybe a little bit of background for you, the two main candidates were conservative Nicholas Sarcosi, the tiny Frenchman and husband to an inexplicably attractive wife.

And running back... I guess so far above average. So far above average. Speaking of it in a different sport. I think. Yeah, we're both men who speak as gentlemen who are back in... No question, Andy.

No question. But he is batting even further above average than we are, too. Which is really saying something. And running against him, the socialist candidate, François Hollande, interestingly the socialist candidate was actually supposed to have been Dominique Strauss-Carn until that whole legal misunderstanding of exactly how New Yorkers traditionally tip maids in hotels. That incident and all the revelations that came after it meant that Dominique Strauss Khan's political goose wasn't just cooked, it was force-fed slaughtered and had its liver

served up as a delicacy. The revelations are too many and too shady to go into here, but to sum them up, it seems that Dominique Strauss Khan's watch seems to have been permanently stuck at Bangalore for the last 20 years. So the French people enjoyed their first and only presidential debate of the season where Sarkozy and Alond argued like two French people sitting at the table next you in a restaurant fighting over who was going to pay the bill. And my favorite part of the election was that before before the election a great clip came out of Francois Alond's mother talking about

him as a little boy. She said, he used to say something that always made us laugh. When I grow up, I'll be president. We didn't believe that at all and still don't. To let your lands, Presumably said, oh wow, thanks for your support, Mon. You really don't need to be a psychologist to work out what has driven his career in politics, Andy. I'm surprised he didn't open his victory speech with, say, a fucking did it, mother. Now are you proud of me? Why are you proud of me?

I just want you to be proud of me. He played heavily on his man of the people credentials, but having promised to only travel by train, he celebrated victory by spending the evening in his hometown of Tull, then a good town for a proletist to come from, then pops in a £12,000 an hour private jet and flew to Paris. Now this, of course course was probably logistically necessary given the tight time constraints, but it was immediately jumped on by his critics as being the new world record fastest ever reenactment of George Orwell's animal farm.

It was accused of being a champagne you said, they are ideas for the same quality, even if they are joyous, to believe in the published published by the best-looking capitalism of the campaign, so that I think he uses it for the conversation of the baguette, the format, the onion, and the garlic for. And you basically, how I'm stripping. Not the most concise people in English say that The general sense of celebration in France seemed not so much to be that Francois Alain was now president, it's that Sarkozy was now not.

President Alain pulled just under 52% of the votes and the turnout was a massive 80%. There were instant concerns from global markets that France was about to become a lot more French as the markets seem to have viewed the elections being a battle between Sarkozy embodying a modern competitive industrial nation and Alon representing a nation sitting around in cafes all day chomping on cross-horns. They seem concerned that Alon is going to return France to the 12-hour work week in a retirement age of 35. And if that's true, then frankly, France made the right choice, Andy. You know, go to visit France to see them speed walking to work like it's Tokyo. You go to see them leaning on a wall, shrugging at accordion music.

That is just a fact. I think also, you know, we've looked at the speed walking to work driven economies in recent years and perhaps the quassar, driven economy, the way forward for the world. How did that work out for everyone? Now you're tired and you're broke. He's promised massive tax hikes for the wealthiest French people.

75% for anyone earning over 1 million euros, which with the euro collapsing as a currency, is now equivalent to £820,000 or £1.3 million. That's roughly £ to anyone earning over 1 million dollars or 755,000 pounds Prompting fears that France's wealthiest could flock to London and provoke a catastrophic run on London's limited supply of baguettes Now it's quite a brave move. It's not many leaders even Now, it's quite a brave move. It's not many leaders, even given what's happened to the economy in the headlong rush for unearned wealth. Not many leaders have had the, of dare to say, excuse me, the rich, but since we're a little bit strapped for cash at the moment, there's only chance that you could just fork out a

little bit more for a little while given that you have built your wealth in this country on the efforts of people in this country and while things stuff. Maybe you could prevail, we could prevail on you to stamp up a little bit more to which the rich would apply. Sandra, could you just check the prices of flights to the Cayman Islands? I'm sorry, Mr. Arlon, I'm absolutely right on board with this.

How much were you thinking? 75%? Sandra, can you check the price of property in the Cayman Islands, please? Mr. Arlon, I would absolutely love to help out, but unfortunately, I have now left the country. I have left the country. In his concerted speech, Sarkozy wished good luck to President Hollande with the glint

in his eye of a man who has seen a breakdown of recent French finances. Yeah, good luck with that. If you need me, I'll be at home ignoring your calls. One of Hollande's campaign pledges was to rework the deal on government debt in member countries, in EU member countries. Apparently, German Chancellor Angela Merkel called him the night of the election to congratulate him and tell him that that was not going to happen. That literally might have been all she said in that phone call before hanging up. Hi, Francois, it's Angela. Just wanted to say, well, huge congratulations on becoming

president. One more thing. Shall we really go, Xi Jinping, up your ass, Frenchie? Have a great night, click. So, Kozy has insisted that he is not sorry that he has lost the presidency, showing in defeats that's rather than being out of touch, as some said he was, he can still, when the mood is right, say what ordinary French people are thinking. And, along the medially stated that he would pursue alternatives to the austerity packages that are currently being forced onto Europe. Those austerity packages very much the bullets to the torso that have proved so effective at waking up the European economic corpse. So we'll see how that works.

Yeah, perhaps it won't work as John it's the Germans won't have it. And if the Germans won't have it, it's not going to happen. I think the history has proved that time and again, John. Yeah, and they've got a track record. Chancellor Merkel warned that there is no magic bullet to resolve the debt crisis, but that there was an actual bullet for anyone who tried to break a deal that they'd made. You break the deal, break your legs. Greek election news now. And look, I've said it before Andy, I'll say it again, Greece

invented democracy and if you judge what's happening in Greece right now, it seems they are intent on destroying it. The Greeks seem to have looked at the French idea of renegotiating their European debt deal and said, hey, let's do that. Hey, are you? We'll see you're crippling austerity measures and we'll raise you absolutely none of those. How does that sound? How does absolutely none of them sound? Things are pretty miserable in Greece right now, and under the economic till that they struck, or that were struck for them, things are set to remain that way for around the next 20 years,

and in a depressing tango as old as time, the far-right has risen from the economic morass like a shaved-headed phoenix from a mountain of shit. The ultra-nationalist party Golden Dawn about the least accurate name for that party imaginable. They're more like a murky dusk or a gloomy nightmare. One of votes share of around 7% increase catapulting the party from appropriate obscurity to winning 21 seats in Parliament. Since last week's election, TV and internet pictures have come

out of party members in heavy metal make-up, splashed with fake blood, brandishing hunting knives, making Nazi stars salutes, or smiling next to an Auschwitz oven. Link to racist attacks on immigrants, Golden Dawn says it wants to seal Greek borders with landmines, and its election flyers promise to rid the country of their stench. Andy. promised to rid the country of their stench. Andy, if so long, Plato, Pericles, and Aristotle were to be transported to Greece now, they would feel like parents returning home early from vacation to see their house has been trashed by a party their teenagers had that got out of hand. What the f**k happened

here? We were only away for two thousand years. What the f** happened here? We were only away for 2000 years. What the f*** have you done to this place? Wait, who are those morons with swastikers? Please tell me this is a joke. Please tell me that you didn't use democracy to actually give these pricks any power. What the f*** is wrong with you? And holy s*** what happened to the pathonon? You trashed it how would you not

take care of a building like that and why aren't any of you wrestling and why isn't everyone naked what the fuck has happened to this country hold on hold on calm down this is still the most powerful country in the world, right? What do you mean, no? Who is then? What the f*** is America? Okay, okay, okay. But the name Greece is still synonymous with the greatest minds in human history, correct? Please tell me that you haven't even trashed the greatness of our reputation. We're still the philosopher kings, right?

What do you look at your feet for? Look me in the eye and tell me what Greece's most famous for. A beg your pardon. What the f*** is a moussaka? I almost thought he did a classics degree like I did, John. Bit of fun. Yeah, bit of fun. I'm so sorry, pericles. The value of the Greek stock market has fallen almost 90% in just five years, John. Now I'm not an economist, but that does not sound

very good. And it's probably fallen around about 99.9% in the last 2,500 years as well. As a result of all this, the celebrity currency, the euro, is in big trouble. Started off as a symbol of peaceful cooperation in an age when Europe, the famous continent, had after a couple of thousand years, finally weaned itself off everyone slaughtering each other in territorial and ideological wars, every couple of generations, and turned itself into a symbol instead of catastrophic economic mismanagement and political failure, very much out of the frying pan and into the fire, whilst being smashed round the head with the frying pan. Ha ha ha ha. ... ... Mexican election news now.

And on July 1st, the Mexican people go to the polls to elect a new president for them. Currently, President for Leib Koldera is ineligible for the election because no president in Mexico can run for office twice. The post-revolution Mexican constitution Ineligible for re-election because no president in Mexico can run for office twice. The post-revolution Mexican Constitution essentially states that you serve one six-year term and then you f*** the f*** off.

I think that literally might be how they wrote it in the Constitution. Mexico essentially has disposable presidents to use the ones and you throw them away. All four of the candidates have been accusing each other of corruption in Mexico this week, and two varying degrees, they are basically all right. The front runner is Enrique Peña Nieto, the current governor of the state of Mexico, and a member of the institutional revolutionary party, and who, if the election was based on Hansenmas,

which it isn't definitely not, then he'd win by a landslide, because with his glowing tan, his salt and pepper hair, and his predilection for crisp white open-neck shirts. Well, they've already made him the Mexican president of my heart, and... A-YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY Oh, those wide-ridden hats. The highlight of the campaign so far was presidential debates in which a playboy model in a tight dress walked across the stage and was patently ogled by the candidates.

Now, someone said this is debasing a serious political matter of who gets to be in charge of Mexico's failure to adequately deal with its drug problem. I think, John, it just proves that distractions should be a part of all political debates, because when you're in office, John, you're going to be able to withstand all manner of distractions, not only playboy models in tight dresses wandering into cabinet meetings, wuggling their groove as at you, but other distractions, as well, for example, you have to learn to ignore your own election pledges, the temptation to let ethics get in the way of practicality, for sound policy to interfere with political grandstanding.

And you must learn to ignore, as well, public opinion, escape bears, editors of national newspapers were strangely during Curly Gingerhead, and a whole host of other distractions are having pretty ladies interfere with the presidential debate is really helping the public decide who is most likely to be able to focus properly on the job. And then they will probably vote for whichever one of them takes his glasses off and says Alive! It was a truly weird moment. Basically, pieces of paper randomly assigning the

speaking order of the debate were handed to each candidate by this former nude model in a skin-tight white evening gown. With most of the front of the dress, should we say strategically missing. She appeared for 24 seconds at the start of the debate, but that was all that anyone was talking about afterwards. Mexico's Electoral Commission said the woman's tight white dress with its plunging neckline has distracted attention from the important issues going on to say which were breasts. I mean the economy, I mean the economy and making this economy a bresner.

I mean better. I mean boobs. I mean, oh. Oh. Yeah. One of the candidates, the underdog, Gabrielle Guadalee, said, it is impossible not to concentrate your attention on a woman so spectacular.

Oh God. He is laying his political cards on the table there. Well, and he's, you know, perhaps it's tricky, but it's not impossible. If I would just suggest that he constructs attention on the fact that Mexican drug cartels keep leaving decapitated heads in Mexican cities. That should help take his mind of ladies' asses.

And it does also back up the point I made some time ago that when Sylvia Berlusconi called Angela Merkel an un-f**kable lad asked, it was a compliment to her as a non-discracking politician. And also we've already seen Gaddafi, you know, completely in control, become a valuable trade partner to the West until he's fightably undermined

by America appointing Condoleezza Rice as their Secretary of State. Just couldn't cope. Just couldn't cope. It does seem Enrique Penaigno is likely to win. He's also a potentially glamorous first couple as his wife Angelica Rivera is one of Mexico's biggest soap opera actresses and is also almost unfeasably good looking. Well, you know, he's certainly the most famous of the candidate, Andy, which as dictated

by modern democracy as we all know, therefore makes him the most electable. He's not been without his gaffs. Everyone loves a gaff, and even those in non-English speaking countries. I know that seems heart-of-the-leaf. How can they enjoy a gaff if it isn't gaffed in the English language? But apparently they can. At the end of last year, during an interview with the Spanish newspaper, he answered a question about the minimum wage in Mexico incorrectly, which was bound to sting as minimum wage is just called wage for a huge number of Mexican citizens.

But also, when asked how much a kilo of tortillas cost, he replied, I am not the housewife. He received huge amounts of criticism and mockery for this. And he later claimed that his words have been taken out of context that he hadn't meant to offend women and that he'd meant to say that he is not the housewife in his home and thus wouldn't know the prices.

To which everyone said, no, that's the same context that you've been criticized for. You haven't changed the context of that sentence, you have merely made it longer. Well this is the problem John of having a political leader speaking for a language. No, if he had been speaking in English it wouldn't happen. Yes. Russian news now and Vladimir Putin, the air-brushing Russian, the professional president and author of the author of the hip musical Starlin' My Darling, I've got a crush on Grishov and Brzezhenoev, let me go, has been elected back into office, albeit with significantly reduced public support, down in some parts of Russia, as low as just 103% of the vote.

He was simultaneously sworn in and sworn ats last Monday, as the large protest turned ugly and resulted in the trademark violence and multiple arrests. Opposition anti-Putin leaders are now facing up to two weeks in jail, to which Putin replied, two weeks? Two f***ing weeks? Man, this country has lost its edge. Do you really mean two weeks? How am I missing something? Have weeks been lengthened to become 15 years long? What the f***? It feels like Vladimir Putin has never been away, and that's because he basically has. He's been away for just four years, acting as Prime Minister, and writing to me,

to read the speech and thoughts for him. In fact, it's entirely possible that this hasn't been Demetri Medvedev at all. It's just been Vladimir Putin in a very convincing Demetri Medvedev costume, and the Demetri Medvedev has spent the last four years being chained to a radiator underneath the crumblings. If he completes his six-year term, Vladimir Putin, will be the longest-serving Russian leader since Joseph Stalin, and that's not a taller chilling comparison, is it?

How do you celebrate an achievement like that? You play ice hockey, haven't you? That's the obvious answer to that question. And you don't just play. You play against a team of Russian legends, and you don't just do that, you win. Now Putin has famously previously ridden motorbikes, flown planes, scuba dive for treasure, fish

shirtless, shot a snow leopard and now played ice hockey. He has overcompensated for his masculinity in almost every conceivable way. What's left Andy? Is he actually going to become a male pole dancer? Or an aftershave model? Is he going to discover the cure for cancer and then claim that he's lost it? Is he going to be happy Andy until it's written into the Russian Constitution that he has the biggest penis in the world? So I'm starting to believe that he might have the smallest penis

in their history of humanity. The hockey game was between Putin's team of amateurs and assembled legends of Russian hockey. Putin came on light in the game with his team, inexplicably only one goal down and you will never guess what happened, Andy. Putin scored the equalizer. Didn't he, John? And then the game went to penalties and you'll never guess what happened, Andy. Putin scored the winner.

He skated at the goalkeeper with the speed of a six year old. Before flicking the puck, softly pass a goalie who was desperately diving out of the way. When it hit the net, Andy, no one was celebrating harder than that goalie's family. I'm sure his kids were jumping down at home in front of the TV screen shouting, yes! Now we get to see Daddy again! We must have some quality, quality chat when he's playing eye-socky-jong. When he's skating, presently towards you in gold, he's going to be mastering at you. Hey, Schmuck, see this ice-waste standing on? Can you imagine what it would be like to live somewhere where it is all you can see as far as the f***ing horizon. We're pretty cold, wouldn't it? Not much fun.

Well, I've got it one way, train ticket with your f***ing name on it straight there if you save this shot. Thwack! GAL! POOTING GAL! Get the decision, Tavari, you shall go for it. And he compared his skills as an eye hockey player to being like a cow on ice, to which his coach replied, yes, a great president. Cow's are great at eye-talkie. Their others give them natural balance as they swing pendulously from side to side. And having four legs, that's twice as many

legs as ordinary people, statistically makes them twice as good at skating. In fact, they're great Wayne Gretzky himself was half-man half-cow. Please can I see my wife again? himself was half-man half-cow. Please can I see my wife again? FIJER SEXION NOW, GAY MARRIAGE! And in a historic moment for America and the President of Obama sat down in the White House, strapped his nuts on, and announced that he personally was in favour of gay marriage. Now, he had previously announced that he was in favour of gay marriage in 1996 when he was running for senate but you know he wasn't president then and it's a bit more important when it comes from a president than when it comes from some dude. But everyone had assumed that he felt this way but probably also assumed that he would never say it while in

office he was basically operating a don't ask don't tell policy or more accurately a policy of ask if you want I'm not going to fucking answer you. But this was a genuine moment of history and not bad history like natural disasters or terrible wars, good history and the like the invention of ice cream and the opening weekend of the smurfs. This was the first ever president of the United States going on record as being in favour of gay marriage. Whilst that will legally mean, very little it will still remain a state's right issue and lots of states as North Carolina sadly proved this week have still got their head in the past and up their own arse, but you know, symbolically it could barely have been more

meaningful. It is the gay moon landing, Andy. This is one small step for a president, one giant leap for a nation. And what was even more remarkable was that relative lack of drama after it the gates of hell did not open as somewhat perhaps anticipating and the media generally focused on doing their job, incompetently rather than maliciously, which is, no, it's a step forward kind of, you know, diagonally forward at least. Not everyone has been that impressed though, particularly on the Republican side, Michelle Bachmann,

but at a lengthy news release on Wednesday, in which he said, Marys, between one man and one woman, is the foundation of our society. For two more than 200 years, traditional marriage has been a cornerstone of the United States of American. And I will do everything in my power to support and preserve traditional marriage and to protect American families. Now, fortunately, everything in her power does seem pretty much f*** all now, but- Yeah, so that's great. I think what she might want to do before that is just chip away at the divorce rates in traditional marriage of around 50%. Yes.

And also, maybe, maybe it's hard, because in these trying economic times, divorces are actually quite good for the economy. Lawyers, short-term property, let's new clothes, makeovers, divorces, and starting dating again, go out to restaurants, remarriages, all for the cake industry. In fact, Michelle Beckman should be encouraging more ill-conceived hasty marriages, particularly between gays, because gay weddings are on average 5.4% more lavish than non-gay or partially gay weddings. That is a fact, John.

Most chose to focus less on the pure joy of this historic moment, and more on whether the decision was politically motivated and whether or not it would help or hurt the president's chances of re-election. The debate seemed to be whether this issue was deep in the president's heart or deep in his heart because it was deep in the heart of a majority of voters in crucial swing states,

to which he could respond, who cares? Who cares? It's just good. Some criticized the president for doing this for money, arguing that he would get increased donations from his base and from gay groups, essentially arguing that the president of the United States is gay for pay. And Cardinal Timothy Dolan, president of the US Conference of Catholic Bishops, labeled the president's remarks deeply saddening. And the old like to label Timothy Dolan's remarks

f***ing infuriating. So it seems that we both know how to be disappointed in others. Now in Britain we've had a similar debate about gay marriage and by debate I mean the right-wing press going f***ing nuts about it and no one else really giving that much of a shit. And David Cameron has responded to discontent on the right wing of the Conservative Party after the appalling local election results last week by easing off on his plans to legalize gay marriages. If the Tories all got together and thought we're facing terrible problems in Britain today.

The cuts program massively unpopular with the nation as a whole, the economy, disastrously stagnant, massive public disenchantment with democracy, greed, irresponsibility, corruption, rife throughout our politics, throughout our media, throughout our economic system, unemployment heading towards 3 million. The whole country is a mess. What can we possibly do to rectify all these endemic sociopolitical problems. Oh, here's an idea. Stop gay people getting married. Everything else will fall into place. We just have to stop the gays being happy. It's interesting. The two responses that Britain and America had as nations to the issue of gay marriage, one, defined by an act of a leader's political bravery and another a leader's political cowardice

because Prime Minister David Cameron is in favour of gay marriage and plan to legalize it for personal reasons or political reasons or who gives a shit. It's just demonstrable the right thing to do. But he is now going to reneg on that plan after, as you mentioned, heavy losses in elections and he's not going to legalize gay marriage to a piece, his conservative base. And well, how does that appeasement feel, Prime Minister David Cameron, must be a pretty proud feeling to go to bed at night and think, well, I did a really historic brave, bold and ultimately moral thing today.

I appeased the base of my party. I wonder where they're going to put my statue in Westminster to commemorate this historic achievement I made. So it was withdrawn from the... It wasn't in the Queen's speech, the game arised legislation. And the Queen's speech, she looked even more pissed off than usual, John. At that characteristic, I could do this better than you f***ing chances, look on her face that has become so familiar Over these as if she was just one more pissball policy away from going off-piste

Chouting Okay, let's see what fucking rubbish. I've got a chunder out this time My lord and members of the House of Commons. What a fucking cat phrase that is my government's legislative program is going to set this country back. Oh, there are more words in that sentence, my mistake. Set this country back on the road to oblivion? No, it's recovery. Good one, Kevin. F***ing good one.

My country will stop it. Nothing if only that were true in order to, I'm not reading this patronizing f***ing guff. Right, I've got my separate, I'm not afraid to whack you with it. You pathetic! I'm sick of it! This little beauty left some nasty whack marks on empty and Anthony Eden's posterior, so I can tell you that for free.

Be warned, whack! Wacky! Dr. John Starmov, the Archbishop of York, I compared the Prime Minister to a dictator, if he was to allow couples with the same sex to marry, that is an excellent understanding of history from the Archbishop Andy, whilst all dictators have been different.

They've also very much been bonded by their progressive views on single sex marriage. I think that's why Mussolini and Hitler got on so well. The Archbishop said, it's almost like somebody telling you overnight at the church, whose job it is to worship God, is an arm of the armed forces. They must take arms and fights. You're completely changing tradition. Well, it's not almost like saying that at all. In fact, it's f***ing nothing like saying that whatsoever. He went on to say, if you genuinely would like

the registration of civil partnerships to happen in a more general way, most people will say they can see the drift. But if you begin to call those marriage, you'll try to change the English language. Right, Andy? Like the word, arsehole. It used to just be a word to describe the human arse. Now it can describe a person, or a bigot, or an archbishop, or someone who is all three of those things. Someone who is an asshole, but who also owns an asshole, through which he makes most of his public statements. George Osborne confirms that the gay marriage issue was going to get kicked to the curb, down the line. The chancellor said that he'd taken the message from voters that ministers should be focusing on the things that really matter matter rather than getting distracted by too many other issues. The thing is, this does

really matter. It really matters a lot because there will be a time in most of our lifetimes when we will look back on the time that gay people were not allowed to get married in our countries and it's going to be f***ing embarrassing. To those who are frightened of it, you just want to take them by their shoulders, squeeze them, shake them just slightly, but firmly, and say, this is all going to be fine fast. You are not going to care about this faster than you thought you could not care about anything. Now, do you want to see a video of Vladimir Putin scoring an ice hockey goal? It's very funny. I guess Centon who has a point John, we're still a Christian nation here. And what this legislation would mean is that the wedding at Cana would actually have been

a gay wedding. And you know, I will be prepared to take that step. When Jesus, I don't know if he'd have been a fan. I mean, I guess he might have been a fan of Gawon. He certainly spent a lot of time swanning around in his underpants with 12 guys. Read into that what you want. Your emails now, and this one comes in from Scott who writes on the subject, bugling backwards. I'll keep the email short to save the show from over running any more than it's traditional.

But I felt you should know this. I've been listening to the bugle in reverse chronological order. And it's a veritable Benjamin Button of Bullshit. LAUGHTER Down there can be no higher praise, John. LAUGHTER Oh, that's what a compliment. And this one might be interesting to you.

It's from Owen Wilson in Brentwood, UK. So possibly a different Owen Wilson from the one you probably play doubles with these days. He writes, on the subject, Raffa and the Smurfs. Yo, as you say in America. So this clearly addressed directly to you, John. Raphael Nadal is threatening to boycott next year's Madrid open as he complains that the new blue clay surface of the courts is quotes only fit for

smurfs. Look, we're all with that. It carries on. We're all fed up with John Oliver using his celebrity contacts for in this case I totally bl- a totally blatant piece of product placement for the upcoming film about the blue peril I think the world needs to know the truth regards Owen Wilson He's just angry because there's not a tennis smurf You've angered one of the world's greatest ever tennis players, John. Smurf tennis sounds like a really disgusting euphemism. So that's all the emails for this week because as a guest in the first one, we have overruns.

So just a couple of cool ones. There'll be more next week. Where's you got a week off next week? So we'll have some bits that were too funny to go out when they originally recorded and some more of your emails in bugle 194 sub-episode alpha. In any case, do keep your emails coming in to info at thebugelpodcast.com and don't forget to spend at least 10 hours a day on our SoundCloud page.

SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen bugle. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Just time for a quick sports section. The Olympic flame is now a light and it's very traditional speeches about what the Olympic spirit means. Here's what the Olympic spirit means, John, and we'll do more on the Olympics in a couple of weeks along the back. The Travelodge Hotel in Stratford. Yes. On the night of the Olympic opening ceremony is charging £312 for a double room. The same room the previous Friday, £59.50. Now that is a 424% markup. Now, I know we are now predominantly a capitalism-worshping country and the law of supply and demand is as the old saying goes 90% of the actual law. And also the hotel to be fed, some chose to figure 424 as a tribute to some of our great

Olympians. A hundred years ago to the month in July 1912, Great Britain won the men's four by 100 meter relay in a time of 42.4 seconds. Thank you, Wikipedia. And to touching tribute. And also to be fair, the extra money on the night, the opening ceremony, you do get Sir Chris Huy on an exercise bike powering your television through a dyno foe. And American Herdling star Lolo Jones, Herdling over you was to eat your complimentary stale quasson for breakfast in the morning.

It still seems a bit excessive, 312 pounds for a room in a fucking travelodge. The kind of hotel where merely looking at the carpet makes you think, where the fuck did my life go wrong? And that goes up to 480 pounds. If you want the flexibility to be able to cancel that room.

They might have sort of painted the Olympic rings all over the front of the hotel and in each of the five rings written the words fuck off, love from and London. And so in that 1912 relay final, Britain narrowly edged out the Germans Oh, love from and London. In certain, in that 1912 relay final, Britain narrowly edged out the Germans, but the Germans missed out on silver after being disqualified for an illegal change over. That was 1912, John. They did not take that result well. And it was not the last time in the 20th century that they illegally crossed a line

that they weren't supposed to cross and ended up losing. That's all. We'll be back with the off-cut sepus, so the awful next week, which Chris is looking you're looking very excited about putting that one together. It's going to be awesome! It's going to go absolutely high. How are your injuries from the marathon, by the way? I had never I scanned yesterday. Oh really?

Yeah, that education. Oh my God. Oh no. It's amazing what can happen over 26 miles And how have you had the results back yet? No a couple of weeks. Okay. It can't be that serious thing Can I do that? Do we need to start recruiting and you produce? So tune in for all the latest updates on Chris's Life Long Injury. Leave him confined to a chair for the rest of his life.

Oh, on that note. I hope the Hackley Empire is appreciative. Music