The Bugle - Bugle 196 – Jubilee Special

Episode Date: June 1, 2012

The Bugle celebrates 60 years of the Q-Unit. In other news, Obama's kill list, the UN is unimpressed with Syria and doctoring the pension contributions. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugleers and welcome to issue 196 of the Bugle, the official podcast of the London 2012 Olympics. Did we ever actually sign that deal? We didn't. What? Does that mean I'm not lighting the Olympic flame, the opening ceremony? And I don't get to piggyback on you saying, but during the 200 metres and an exclusive live bugle commentary,

oh balls, balls. Never mind, I'll be back in London in another 64 years. I'm Andy Zoltzmann, captain of the British Olympic Water Polo team. What do you look at me like that for? Not that as well, never delegate people. I'm live in London 2012 and joining me from New York City. It's a place, three words, first words, one syllable, sounds like your owner hang on, I've already told you the answer. It's the hipster quich, John Oliver.

Hello Andy, hello, Bughlers. Andy, New York is to put it mildly, a city of lunatics. I believe that was the official state motto until they decided that calling it the Empire State might have less tourists cowering in fear in their hotel rooms. But it doesn't change the fact that this city is full of crazy people. That's a well-established fact. I believe that the Statue of Liberty has engraved on his base. Give me your tired, your poor, your head of mass is yearning to be free, and also give me your bad shit nut cances, because I want a feeling that this city's going to be awesome one day. Now my walk to work

at times can feel like a walk through David Lynch's imagineate, but there was one snippet of conversation I ever heard this week, it was particularly wonderful and extremely drunk man, and this is a very drunk man at 8.30 in the morning, Andy. That's a special kind of drunk. It was being held up against a war by a police officer, and it was clearly allowed exchange going on back and forth between them. And as I walked past them,

I distinctly heard the drunk man blurt out, well, I beg to differ. And I don't know what they were talking about, but in that moment, it really fell like the drug man had won that argument. Because if you could be that drunk that early and still be that articulate, I think you should be allowed to go on your way in peace. It appears we're in an ideological impasse, Oscar.

So I shall merely say, good day to you, sir. I said, good day. Seizing the moral high ground before vomiting up the side of the tour bus. And the point is when Billy Joel wrote, I'm in a New York state of mind, what he actually meant was, I think I'm about to take a shit on a subway car. Yeah, play it backwards. You'll see exactly what John means. So as always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin this week, a cynicism

section to help guide you through the rest of 2012, including the Olympics, glorified egg and spoon race. Jubilee, tea party for Simpletons, ad-American election, shampaste of democracy, largely decided in the early 19th century. Oh, I hang on, I've got that mixed up with the realism section. Or was that comment itself part of the cynicism section? I don't know, but it was rubbish anyway. I like comment hang on anyway.

Bugal 196, now more Bugal's John than Plague's that God had lined up for the Egyptians in the Old Testament. Only got as far as 10. He had some absolute dosies lined up, including the plague of slightly undercooked peanuts. And that's the end of the intro. So I just realized that we already have an end. Big finish, am I? Big finish. Big finish. Like the women's javelin competition of the 1983 World Athletics Championship, won by a large finish lady with the final throw at the finish of the competition. That worked on two levels. Okay, stop, Andy. Let's get this beautiful started.

MUSIC Top story this week. A barma is killing it right now. Stop, John. I'm going to have to stop you there. There's an even more important story than that because last Saturday, Harlequin's became rugby champions of England, are with the greatest day in the history of this nation. At least since the Germans admitted we had them pinned in checkmate in 1945. Maybe even a greatest day,

since little William Shakespeare first picked up a pencil and said, Mummy what the fuck is this? As the multi-pastel-shaded heroes claim their glorious birth right on the Holy Sword of Twickenham with the display of rugby, that even Jesus at his best would have struggled to match. And it sent this half of the bugle, noisily berserk, and made his children say, what's happened to daddy?

And I also think John is in a message to the world that all is not lost, as the joyous scenes were beamed around the world to a global TV audience estimated between 700 billion and 1 trillion people. A warring factions in the world's leading trouble spots laid down their arms embraced and said, Bob Dylan was right, you'll not see nothing like the mighty twins around the Middle East. The sound of gunfire was replaced with the sound

of rugby commentary. As rival sides jointly realised that anything is possible if you put your mind to it and have a productive academy system topped off with a front rack form in New Zealand fly off. That's basically what it calls about for our American listeners. So that was it, John Harlequin. The team described by the former American President Abraham Lincoln as the last best hope of earth delivered a message of universal redemption through a ceaseless communal striving for perfection, a message which surely now supersedes the teachings of the retired Messiah Jesus, the Procell Liberty Empire Smash on my hand, Magandy,

and the Nobel Award-winning philosopher, Richie Beno, and said an example that will truly save this planet from oblivion or worse, helped admittedly by a couple of questionable referring decisions. Thanks, Peter the Queen's. Ah, man. Sorry, John, you were saying. Is that at his system now, Andy? Is that likely to bubble up again later? I believe so. I believe that's done. What a day though, John. rugby was the winner, and it's rugby and the quince.

It's nil for the name. rugby, no, and it was a wee fun. The name. The name. Tom sorry this week. Obama is killing it right now, and by it, I mean people. Obama is killing it right now and by it I mean people, Obama is killing people right now. And in the most this week that President Obama personally oversees a

kill list of insurgents who could be taken out with drone strikes if the opportunity arises. And look, we've all got a kill list. And he married couples often each draw up a list of the names of five people that they'd love to murder if they get the opportunity without the other partner getting angry or turning them into the police. It's the back brough of a healthy marriage. You're allowed to kill Jessica Simpson if I'm allowed to kill Tom Brady.

OK, deal. Now, the fact that the president has a split from John Speacher, his own wedding. I just wanted to... There was just one of the contractual terms that needs to be going over before that final bullet was played. The fact that the president has this list isn't as surprising as the details that come with it.

The New York Times reported that there is a secret nominations process to designate terrorists for killer casual drones during high-level discussions. And first, let's be clear, kill or capture. Now, you might think, kill or capture, how the f*** does that work? How do you capture an insurgent with an unmanned drone a thousand of feet up in the sky. Well, what happens is this, the belly of the drone opens up, and a fairground grabber comes out, and reaches down to try and scoop up the insurgents in its claw. Unfortunately, the insurgents have now got wise to this,

and they've been covering themselves in butter so that they just slip out of the claw just as it's tantalized and they're close to lifting them off the ground. The US military usually tries a few times before getting frustrated and just launching hellfire missiles at those pesky buttering insurgents instead. It's a, do they not also have some magnetic ones as well that just try and hope that the insurgents are wearing 19th century style German helmets? That's right. The point is they've exhausted all the options

before just raining the pain down upon them. This system really makes everything a lot easier because not only are you killing people with an almost chilling video game type ease, but you're also managing to reduce the figures of taking prisoners to Guantanamo. As you're not taking any prisoners at all, only one prisoner has been taken

into American custody under President Obama. The rest have been very conveniently vaporised. And apparently the president has insisted on approving every new name on the kill list, pouring over the terrorist suspects' biographies on what one official called the baseball cards of an unconventional war. And they really are baseball cards. And they've got a few of them here. They have a picture of the terrorist on the front and some of their statistics on the back

So here's one. This is Abdullah Rafik It says it is rookie year in the global G had his numbers are pretty good Andy He has Hate the West percentage of 84% that's very promising. He's launched five ambushes on international forces two of them have been successful But believe me batting anything over 300 in that category could be hall of fame numbers. Here's a little personal information about him too. He likes dinner with friends, long mountain walks

and the song I'm sexy and I know it by LMFAO. What is it about that song Andy? Everyone seems to like it. Well, it's just, the system has been used. Ever since, of course, the FBI bumped off Babe Ruth in the late 1940s. And on the current set of cards, you've got Aiman Alzawaha Reethi, Al-Qaeda, head honcho at the moment, Sama Bin Laden, I knew it was all a hoax, and Derek Jita, which is a possible logistical mix up, but possibly not, I guess we will have to wait and see for

history to be the judge on that. But as we said, John, America does have a pretty checkered records of assassinations that make you think this baseball card system is potentially risky. Of course, it has succeeded with Simon Bin Laden, John F. Kennedy, Abraham Lincoln, Che Guevara, Sugar, Mother Teresa, Lenny Bruce, Buddy Holly and Jesus. But filed with Fidel Castro, Colonel Gaddafi for a long time. At least Kim Kardashian, Jesus, second time around,idel Castro, Colonel Gaddafi, for a long time, at least Kim Kardashian, Jesus second time around, Barry Bonds, the Queen Mother, Bill O'Reilly, Rick Morales,

Mikkel Gourwitch, off an ET. So it's, you know, hitting Miss at best. I think the kill list must carry some real sway in the terrorism world though, Andy. It's like a Forbes list of, f*** with, who's who of huge assholes? If you're not on that list, you're nobody, Andy. And yet, any terrorist who is considered but doesn't make the kill list, should not feel

too bad about it. It is an honour just to be nominated. And they should know that they are still monstrous dickbags, whatever that panel says. Besides, those awards are always political, Andy. So often it's who you know, not what you've done. Well, also, you know, it's not all about awards, is it? They should be being dickbags just for the sake of being dickbags. Yes, that's right. The rights and places on these lists, they're just a little bonus. There's only one thing that can make this secret presidential kill list more chilling, Andy.

And that's if it was actually a secret presidential, And that's if it was actually a secret presidential f***ing Mary Kill List, along the rules of the f***ing Mary Kill game, where you have three names and those three actions, and you have to decide who gets what. One of the bombers lists had the names Ben Laden, Newt Gingrich, and Silvia Burlesconi on it. It looks like he chose to kill Ben Laden.

He probably had sex with Silvia Burlesconi, which had put him in a group that includes 64% of the world's population, which only leaves one thing. And that is that we might be about to have a new Mrs. Gingrich on our hands in the future. Oh, President Obama, you're about to become the least happy woman in the world. It's also a big controversy that Obama has embraced a method of counting civilian casualties. That counts all military age males in the strike zone as combatants unless there is explicit intelligence

proving them innocent, posthumously. Well that seems to be the key word in that sentence, John. Shoot first deflect questions later. In the old traditions of US justice, no smoke without fire. And of course, let's not forget a posthumous exoneration is very much more satisfying than an exoneration granted when you're alive. You can be even more smug about it and, incidentally, for those of you not familiar with it, posthumous is a Greek word for main course.

Thank you. It is some... Thank you very much. It's a bit... It's a bit... I'm here always. It is some pretty impressive... I'm here always. That... it is a pretty impressive semantic witchcraft that the administration have been doing.

It's... by effectively counting all these miles as a competence, it's essentially a cup and ball morality game, where's the innocent civilian? Is it under this cup? No, there's nothing there, but it luck next time. There are arguments, need to be that Al Qaeda is generally a paranoid organisation who don't like to be around strangers, so if you're around someone who's up to no good, you're probably up to no good as well yourself.

And the New York Times report showed that there's actually high level discussions around this particular logic as well. And I quote, participants do not hesitate to call out a challenge, pressing for the evidence behind accusations of ties to Al Qaeda. What's an Al Qaeda facilitator? Ask one participant, illustrating the spirit of the exchanges. If I open a gate and you drive through it, am I a facilitator? And I guess, I mean, it's complicated, Andy.

But what this essentially means is that we must all teach our children in the future, that it is just not worth Holding the door open for any one anymore. It's just too dangerous That person could possibly be an insurgent. You just can't know for sure Shivalry has essentially become aiding and abetting terrorists now That is what you should say to your wife, Andy when you let the door swing back and hit her in the face I'm sorry, honey, but only guarantees guarantees that you will announce the global G-hat. Ha ha ha.

Well, as you said, the basic attitude is that people in any area of known terrorist activity are, as you say, probably up to no good. One anonymous official is quote, saying, innocent neighbors don't hitchhike rides in the back of trucks headed for the border with guns and bombs. So the basic American philosophy is,

if it looks like a duck, waddles like a duck, quacks like a duck, shits on your car like a duck and tastes damn good with some plum sauce wrapped in a pancake, it's a fucking duck. And the thing next to it is probably a duck too, even if it looks like a chicken and is actually better fried up with cashew nuts

and yellow bean sauce. It does suggest that Barack Obama must be an absolute nightmare when he does the family shop. So Baraklove, did you get everything I need for my Niswa salad? Yes I did Mickey Moo, I sure did. Here you go, tin or tuna fish. Barak is a can of baked beans. Well they were in the same aisle, and it's some eggs for you to boil up.

Thanks for darling Elvis Presulate, aren't it? Oh hang on, those aren't eggs. That was a cut crystal wine glasses. Well they came in a box like eggs do and they're eggs. With a glass stemming around bass love. Okay, funke a trong, they shaped my girl eggs not boy eggs. That's suppose you bought some little potatoes for me did you? Yes, here they are, I'll pop them straight in the bowl. What was a bullet, Sparrowk? Well, you can fit them in your pocket, like bullets, and fire them out of a gun, like potatoes. What are you complaining about?

Has more range of accents coming on, pretty good. I don't know how to go there. I don't think I'd go for the full Obama. Hmm. Seemed a bit... Yeah. A little bit risky. A little risky, I think. You do a good one, I don't know.

You don't think I'd be able to go for it? risky, yeah. You do a good one. I don't know. You don't pay for that one. Well, let's leave that as a hypothetical. Ha ha ha. Yeah. A little bit risky. A little bit risky, yeah. You do a good one. I don't know how to do that.

You don't pay for that one. You don't pay for that one. Well, let's leave that as a hypothetical. Ha ha ha ha. Siria update now. And there are currently doctors all over the world holding up maps of Siria like X-rays, looking at them and saying,

Oh, shit. This does not look good. Somebody pays the hospital chaplain. The Syrian town of Hula was the site of a horrendous massacre over the weekend with more than the 108 people slaughtered, including women and children. And the international community has launched into action, firing some of the most powerful words in their arsenal at the Assad regime, sparing no adjective to defend the Syrian people semantically.

There seems to be very few sentences that we are not willing to deploy over there now, unless any of those sentences contain the words, we are going to physically do something about this. The international community's response to the Syrian crisis, that's basically large involved, finger wagging, touching, head shaking, and issuing resolutions beginning now,

seriously mate, come on. And as a result of all the, there's been a lot of horse trading, John, about this issue, a lot of horse trading. The result of that, it's been one very confused horse strapped to the roof of a cabab van

outside the UN building in New York, knowing, well, this could have gone a f*** of a lot better than it did. And one of the great problems is that, series long-term allies and trade partners, Russia and China are not so much dragging their feet on the issue as standing with their feet stuck in blocks of concrete, saying, if you lend me a toothbrush, I'll start chiseling this concrete off my feet.

And then we can really start moving. Hang on, who's that ring in the doorbell? Oh, it's a delivery. Great, my new concrete socks. I'll just put them on. Yeah, I wear my socks outside my shoes if he got a f***ing problem with that. Kofi Man, who's Syrian peace plan is currently looking as peakiest the Himalayas right now, has vowed to investigate. Well, hold on, vowed to investigate.

A sad must be shaking in his furry tank slippers right right now Andy. That's the best you've got. And anyway, that is a misuse of the word vow. The word vow promises much stronger action than investigations. You vow to take vengeance on someone. You vow to not rest until your enemy is dead. You don't vow to set up a committee to uncover further details of the thing that just annoyed you. You don't hear Russell Crowe during Gladiator saying,

My name is Maximus Desemez Meridius, Commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Phoenix legions, loyal servant and to the true Emperor Marcus Aurelius, father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife, and I vow to launch a full and vigorous investigation in this life or the next. The UN have today issued a statement saying that these acts may amount to crimes against humanity. That word may is it seems perhaps a bit of an understatement. I guess we shouldn't jump to conclusions. The UN has ever going out on a limb on this one, the limb of a baby gerbil burrowed down safely in some nice warm sawdust after having its limbs hacked off. The horrendous truth is, we're going to do absolutely nothing about this, partly because

of Russia and China, but especially Russia are going to block any UN resolutions to take any action. Even after the Hula massacre, Russia's deputy foreign minister said it was premature for the security council to consider any new measures. That was after a massacre when people had their hands tied behind their backs before being stabbed to death in their own homes. To say it's premature to talk about any new measures, doesn't just take balls Andy, it takes Russian balls, which are huge painted balls with a succession of slightly smaller balls inside them. Hillary Clinton said the case for military intervention was growing stronger every day, saying,

the Russians are telling me they don't want to see a civil war. I've been telling them their policy is going to help to contribute to a civil war. And I guess they've been telling her back, Hillary, they don't know how else to tell you this, but we don't give a shit about this, okay? Does it help to hear it like that? We don't give a shit. Stop bothering us with this shit. A sad team have blamed rebels for the atrocities saying that they're trying to spark just such an international intervention before adding, no, is no one buying that.

Ah, fair enough, but it was worth a pop though. Still before you do pop over to Ciri to intervene, you might like to check exactly where we are on a map. You'll find us on the page marked political tinder box. Good luck. So what are the options for the international community? Well, it seems that's very restricted politically to delicate game of political jangle,

and you just never quite know what's going to happen. So perhaps not the most important thing we can do is start to try to get inside Assad's head and try to understand what makes him tick. And the world leader who's leading the way on this approach is none other than the American president himself. And to explain how he's doing this, I refer to an interview with People magazine that's Michelle Obama the first lady has given Which she revealed that one of the president's songs of choice to sing to himself Mm-hmm around the house and in the shower is LMFAos. I'm sexy and I know it. Not my god. Which as bugles will know is also a personal favourite of Bashir Al Assad. So it's catchy Andy. It's a bonding tune isn't it? Oh look it out! It's

something that we can share. When they're starting to try and get negotiations together they should be their pump-up music. They're sitting around the table play this whole song and they say, listen, we've all got passionate in our past, we know we're not afraid to show it. And then they can dance a bit to get the blood pumping and then they can settle down to start talking like rational moral human beings. I just saw you know if you know a close of armour and a sad realise that you know they are both sexy and that they both know it. Right, then you know that is, when that is you know that's like Reagan and Gorbachev coming

together isn't it over there shared level table tennis in the 1980s. Can we please stop playing that song? Well Chris, I mean, for copyright reasons. Or what? That's one of a few I can think of. Chris, if your body doesn't automatically move when that song starts playing, then you are medically dead inside. The convulsions count. dead inside. The convulsions count. Britain news now and we're all gonna die for one day only because for the first time in 40 years British doctors are going on strike.

21st of June, John is going to be an extremely bad day to be ill as our doctors lay down their stethoscopes, take a day's break from telling people to say, oh, making people say, oh, and think into themselves. And I haven't fully followed the dispute, John. It's something to do with pension reforms and this government are nagging on the deal made with the doctors by the previous government. Tinkering with the pension system, that was apparently working and delivering a surplus to the treasury. But it's the way the debate's been framed in public is either doctors being ludicrously selfish, given that they are already earning quite healthy pensions, or the government's just being nakedly political about it. It's revealed in the independent newspaper that the last time doctors took industrial action in 1975,

death rates actually fell. So this could actually be... Oh dear. Good news for this country. And also, maybe politicians can learn from this because... You know, Dr. Benicu is putting self-interest first by going on strike, but...

You know, if only politicians would do the same. In fact, they went on strike for 29 or 30 days a month. They might stop shitting out all the legislation that is causing so many of these problems and other strikes. So I think maybe there's something to be learnt from everyone. The British Medical Association said that emergency care would still take place as doctors did not want to put patients at risk, but they then said that also the doctors reserved the right to shout, scab, scab, scab at the patients whilst they are being operated on. Scab!

Four steps, please nurse. Scab, scab, scab! And it's in a context of the broader dispute over the NHS reforms, which have been build us the change of a lifetime. But they are the third change of a lifetime of the National Health Service has had in the last 12 years. That turns out that the lifetime equation is out of a hamster or a Japanese television or even a hamster stuck inside a Japanese television. Personally, I don't fully understand why these reforms are necessary. I've never died, so I'm happy with the NHS. And I guess it's like the old saying, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. But then there are other people within the old

saying should go, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. But then there are other people within the old saying should go, if it ain't broke, break it, and then tell everyone you've got to fix it because it's broke, or maybe if it ain't broke, keep spending until it goes broke and then sell it. I don't know, it's very complicated to buy. All I know is that the NHS debates is very much like a negligently managed octagonal abattoir. It has many sides and is full of bullshit.

LAUGHTER And... LAUGHTER Very much. When the government came into power, they pledged to ring fence NHS spending, very much in the same way that the French Revolutionaries had pledged to ring fence Marianne Swanette's neck. They'd also pledged to stop top down reorganisations of the NHS, in the same way that the French Revolutionaries had pledged to stop top down reorganisations of Marianne's one-et. The coalition also pledged that they would put the patient first in the same way that the French revolutionaries put, as a bit of a stretch this one, they put Marianne's head first

into a basket. That will have to do. And in the efforts to make us healthier as nice as being complaints that people are not very treated like human beings anymore and people say, I can't program patients like computers. And I would also add that conversely computers cannot be treated like human beings. We got a new one about this time last year and we could not get it to breastfeed for love or money And when we tried it on the bottle it just went f**king mental and do not get me started on bath time

Feature section now Jubilee oh Party in the UK Oh, party in the UK. It's party time, Andy. P-I-R-T. Why? Because the Queen has been on the throne for 60 fucking years. That's fucking why. England is about to embark on a four day holiday weekend to celebrate the Queen, sitting on the throne for 60 years

and not dying once, Andy, not even once. There are going to be street parties. The whole country is going to be united in celebration, and I heard rumors that we might actually fire Bond Dresden again. Just to put a cherry on this Jubilee cake. £424 million, as apparently we've spent on food drinking decorations. B&Q alone has sold 100,000 metres of Union Jack Bunting. Saintsbury's alone has sold 364 miles of Bunting. If the Queen's Jubilee is about one thing, it's about Bunting, aren't they? British people have been Bunting the shit out of anything that doesn't move. People have Bunting babies, and rightly so, Andy,

because there's no baby more beautiful than a beautifully bunting baby. Well, it's very interesting actually the origin of bunting. It, of course, goes back to another very significant role of quite occasion, Queen Victoria, when she got married. And bunting is, in fact, based on her wedding night, Nickas and Bra, and Prince Albert's posing pouch, which after a rumbustious night of newly married royal

mutual concrotulation and passionate douche-sluberage, were seen dangling from the curtain rail of a Buckingham Palace window, the following morning. People instantly assume that the triangular pieces of fabric were a celebration of their happy nupials, rather than the result of the amorous rending and hurling of undergarments during the matrimonial scramble stillsering. And Bunting became a standard part of all British royal celebrations, which is lucky because if they looked in the window on the other side of the bedroom, today's Bunting,

would instead of nice little triangles of material, look, eerie-like, a gimp-mask whip riding saddle, water machine gun and roast chicken. Being cute also said that he has sold 3,100 Jubilee Nones. I know, I know this is hard for other world citizens to understand, but British people like to commemorate any event with a gnome. Who can forget the beautiful Queen Mother open gnome coffins that your gnome could lie in state for as long as she did. So beautiful, Andy.

Also the new line of leverson inquiry gnome has proven very popular this year. So you can have your own parliamentary media investigation at the bottom of your garden. So as you say this weekend, we mock 60 decades of her majesty staying relentlessly, unapologetically, inspirationally and most importantly, Britishly alive by firing her downloadems on a magic motilla. Popper on a bus, and off she pops. It's like one of these increasingly trendy living funerals, John, where you have a send-off with your buddies while he's still alive and she's doing it Viking style.

She's just kidding. You're right, Drift off the end of the Thames, literally in a blaze of glory. Yeah, there's the only thing that's different from her and a Viking funeral is that she's alive and not on fire. Those are those only two differences. There aren't going to be huge spectators for the Thames River patch in which we'll feature more than 1,000 boats with the Queen of the Duke of Edinburgh on a specially decorated royal barge.

It'll be decorated with the decapitated heads of 500 special Jubilee competition winners, who each had to finish the sentence. I would like my decapitated head to festoon the Royal Jubilee barge because in less than 75 words, it's going to be stunning. Yes, they much loved non-executive ceremonial despots who has ruled this country for 60 years with a rod of woods, well, snooker-goo.

Well, to be honest, she's getting on a bit. She's 86 now, but she's in pretty good shape. She's well-passed the age on most people would have wanted to sell her house, put her in a home and forget about her. And by that age, I mean five. Sorry, just my daughter woke me up really early this morning. But it is a fundamental part of British identity, John. You can probably remember from when you were British.

And the monarchy is an institution as British as a queue of grannies, dressed as Winston Churchill in tweed wire fronts, which when photograph in the air a shaped like a battered sausage twitching a newspaper, almost only theme tune to Indiana Jones whilst doing a Morris dance on the graffiti roof of a needlessly delayed train, expressing confused about British national identity in a rapidly changing post-imperial 21st century world.

Before sitting in a Taiwanese-made plastic replica of Stevenson's rocket, dropping apples on our heads, simultaneously patting a dog and telling it to f*** off, raucously downing a pint of cheap Indian tea straight from a Union Jack mug, whilst watching some people sing songs we all know really well on the telly quite shitly before crying about something, then silently weeping into an old leather football at the nagging sense that our best days are behind us. That's what this country's all about, John. England's green and pleasant. God save the qu- Oh no, this one, I've got five letters.

Qu- blank, blank, no. I think it's an anger on Queen. Queen, God save the Queen. God save the Queen. And in case anyone is worried, whether they'll be a Buckingham Palace balcony appearance or not, relax their will. She's not gonna fucking blueball the country, Andy.

The Queen, the Duke of Edinburgh and other members of the Royal Family are going to appear on the Palace balcony to watch an RAF flypast. There will then apparently be a for-do-jewa fire of joy, a celebratory cascade of riflefire given as a salute by the Queen's guard from the forecourt. The Queen will then, as his tradition, pull out a shoulder-mounted rocket launcher and attempt to shoot one of the planes down. If she's successful, the country will be given an extra day off work. And then, of course, Andy, to close the Jubilee celebrations down the Queen will appear once

more. On the Royal balcony, holding a stereo above her head to lead the country as one in a dance to her favorite song. I'm sexy, I know it. Hundreds of thousands of people on the streets of London as one with a queen sexy and her royal behind up on the balcony. Yeah, I've got passion in my pants and what is not afraid to show it? I am sexy and I know Girl look at that, body. One walks out. Apparently, that's what Princess Anne had as the first dancer, her wedding, back in the 70s.

She was a Princess Anne, I heard of her. It's been a lot of complaints, John, about the cost of the Jubilee, so it was it £424 trillion was it? I think you were, I think it has. Well, just think of the cost of the alternative to the monarchy. It's always the complaint about the cost of the monarchy. I think if there was an alternative, if there was a President Blair, for example, the entire current cost of the monarchy would not even start to cover the cost of cleaning the graffiti

off the front of Buckingham Palace every morning. Wow, those are some big letters. For very big letters. Right, right, you start at the sea, I'll start at the tin or meat in the middle for lunch. Still, I guess technically he does come from Scotland, so he is a kelp. Oh, it says f***, sorry, my mistake. But, in many ways, the Queen's heading a very bad example by living so long, 60 years on the throne, frankly, two men out when they say she'd say ten years, a job, ten years in a job and then move on.

And she stayed six times at a man, and partially it is our fault, we do keep asking God to say for. And we had the same problem with her mother, the Queen mother, who just refused to die. And in fact, in the end, I had to fake her own death, and is now living in Vegas, with a Puerto Rican dancer called Jorge. And there is a great deal of genuine excitement here, and part of it is, unquestionably, a respect for the Queen, who's managed to not be an elected politician for six decades now. But also, due to the fact that the Jubilee is involved

giving everyone an extra bank holiday. And this, John, is the way to this nation's heart. We saw it last year with the Royal Wedding, and in fact, you know, if Brenda and Paul snouted from Birmingham, what to get married in Birmingham registry office, and just announce to the country that everyone can have a day off work, they would have half a million people

lying in the street shouting, you fucking heroes. And in fact, if Hitler in 1940, had simply said, I'm going to give you all three extra bank holidays a year. We'd have been waving the Luftwaffe down, saying, there you go, put me a little mesh of smith down there, and we'll put the kettle on.

But sintering that patriotism is just like your awkward thing in this country, it's not something that we're as comfortable with as Americans are. Samuel Johnson, the 18th century words, was, wrote that patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel, which suggests a, that scoundrels have a very ill-honed survival instinct, prancing around waving flags, wearing silly national costumes, and singing loud but simplistic ditties about your country, while the most secretive of refugees would also suggest b, scoundrels probably love sport, and see that this nation is currently awash with scoundrels, unless patriotism is also one of the first refuges of people who

just like a bit of old-fashioned pomp and distraction from the general shit storm engulfing the world. And to conclude the bugle Jubilee special, some Queen Facts. The Queen has not broken win since 1951. She is a qualified electrician, a skill that she learnt in the war. And before her coronation in 1953, she wired up her crown to flash on and off when she officially became Queen. The Queen owns 10 decoy queens that are used to distract royal correspondents so she can privately indulge in her private hobbies, such as golf, pub quitties, erotic jigsaws, and swear robics. And f*** and f*** and f*** and f*** to the side.

And f*** and f*** and f*** and back to the f*** and f*** and f***. This is why tonight's bugle is late. Andy, and I think you might have just written your citizen cane However despite this the last time the queen is known to have sworn in public is when Diego Maradona Scalled his famous hand of Godgold in the 1986 World Cup quarterfinal between England and Argentina her exact words were Oh, fuck it the cheating little shit. I had to grand on Jorge Baruchaga to be the first goal scorer. The Queen invented the sport of corgi surfing in adversity during a Buckingham Palace garden party in 1963. And also when talking to the Queen, you're not allowed to refer to her as Lizzie, Betsy,

Mrs. The Second, Queenie, mate, Darling, Honeybunt, Shore Sugar Cheeks. Unless you use the full official term, your Royal Sugar Cheeks. Other things you should not say to the second, Queenie mates darling honey bun sure sugar cheeks. Unless you use the full official term, your royal sugar cheeks. Other things you should not say to the Queen include, you're not my real mum. You are my real mum, I've had the blood test back, now give me a cuddle and a crown and tell me how many of those soldiers I'm allowed to take. You're not allowed to say you look sensational, oh, mercy. Also, you should try and avoid saying pull my finger or shit everyone, she's got a fucking sword and she's waggling over that guy's neck, take her down, take her down.

And nor should you say where's the crap you imagine that corgi car patch who has gone through me like a medieval sword. What was I not supposed to eat it? Oh well, I wasn't gonna complain, but the chef had left rather a lot of fur on it. I did like the way it wiggled in your mouth though, very new votes. That blue menthol did that? Was it blue menthol?

And the final Queen Factor is the Queen. It's a regular bugle listener and her favourite episode was bugle 16 high featuring the penis on the roof story. Your emails now and we had a fantastic email from Robert Wolfson who simply said it was mentioned on the last podcast and I thought that would make it happen, Rob London. And he attached the image of a photo of the Queen Andy with the Olympic rings tattooed onto her forehead. A clear violation of the IOC copyright rules.

So it will be on the bugle Twitter feed until the IOC or the palace get in touch and you're gonna have to take it down. So you're gonna wanna look at it early. The queen with the Olympic rings on her forehead. It's where the Olympics are the Jubilee meet. There'll be more of your emails next week. Do keep them coming into info at thebugelpodcast.com.

And don't forget, you can listen to the bugle, not only on thebugelpodcast.com, but also on our SoundCloud page. SoundCloud.com slash the iPhone bugle. Wow. Wow. How can I get, I could be a DJ, afternoon radio DJ. It's a weird situation.

Andy, when competence becomes somehow disappointing. Well, that's all in the greatest week for Humanity since the beginning of time, the, well that's all done. That is all done. I think you're probably leaving it at that. I've got to go and do a gig in Milton Keynes.

Oh, that's what I thought was for. Yeah, after one of the Jubilee's died down, you can come and see me in Port Smith at the East New Selison Sunday evening. And there's some more tour dates coming up. The details will be on thebugelpodcast.com websites. There's no findaway to commemorate the Queen being not dead than that.

Was that your Milton Keynes Ristalar, Mandy? Is that like the bat signal, but from Milton Keynes? It was, yeah. Goodbye, Bueglis. Goodbye. you