The Bugle - Bugle 197 – Singing in the Reign

Episode Date: June 8, 2012

A reviewbilee of the Queen's festivities. Plus, in other news; killer terrorist furniture causes chaos and Euro 2012 begins to a chorus of jeers and pessimism. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, BUGLEWS! And welcome to issue 197 of the Bugle for the week beginning Monday, the 11th of June, 2012 with me and ex-October in the city of London, where if you breathe deeply, you can probably still just about taste some of the carbon dioxide exhaled by her majesty as she floated. Jesus liked down the Thames last weekend. Or as the Thames should surely now be known, the River Elizabeth. God rest her soul when it eventually does decide to rest. And joining me from New York City, the man who fled this country rather than see the simple,

timeless joy of constitutional subservience on its people's faces for even one more day. It's the 21st century's Oliver Cromwell. John Oliver Cromwell. Hello Andy. Hello, Buglers. And last week, I went to a benefit for an organization that helps young people get involved in service projects. And I'm on a date. I was meeting some of the amazing kids that were getting awards for foundations they'd set up. The kind of elephony roles that make you feel

justifiably terrible about yourself. Cause they seem to demonstrate a greater emotional maturity and responsibility than you yourself are probably ever going to be capable of. Anyway, I was talking to one eight-year-old boy called Max, who would set up a food bank program with his friends in Texas to feed hungry children, and he said, my dad thinks he'll show he's hilarious. And I said to him, well, that's nice, Max, but you can't watch the Daily Show yet,

because there are too many bad words in it, and he said, oh, I know lots of bad words. I know shit. I know, fuck. I know. And at this point, his mother shoved her hand across his mouth as I started convulsing in laughter. But looking back, Andy, I really want to know what was about to come out of his face. Because he was escalating pretty fast with this word words there. He knew shit. He knew, fuck he knew f***. What was about to come out of that eight year old mouth? Is it possible that Max, to go along

with the list of other improbable achievements he's accomplished so far in his short life? Is it possible that he's invented another swear word? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Well I think what this shows John is that clearly there must be a correlation based on the sample of one child between Between you kind of go getting kids that the world needs to cure its many ills and teaching your children to swear.

So I totally agree with that. I would encourage all bugle parents to swear repeatedly and loudly in front of your children from birth. Or at least by the moment kind of burlite swearing guide so they can be taught by a woman with a positive voice. Just get them a little, you know, when they're a baby, you know, a dangle above their cot, a little mobile, with the letters C, U, N, and T. And just let it seep in. And by the age of 10, they will be either,

they will be multi-millionaire philanthropist essentially. Also Andy I think we've done pretty well inventing words in our time of doing the bugle I think are f**k you legit as justifiably stuck its flag in the english language and who knows how long we're gonna be able to keep doing this podcast for but I would like to formally recognize two sensational words that you have coined over the last two weeks, Andy. Credible aboost and swear hobics. You are a magician with the English language, Andy. If you try to pull this shit centuries ago, you'd probably have been burnt as a whiff. This is Buegel 197 meaning there are now more Buegles than the number of different words that the Beatles tried before plumping on paperback to go with writer. These included hardback, will, employment contract, pornographic short story, disturbingly right-wing academic thesis, shit, and of course

cucumber. There's little joke for you Indian food fans out there and this is the beginning Monday the 11th of June 2012. Many it's 50 years John since the only successful escape from the celebrity prison Alcatraz three inmates apparently chiseled their way out seems pretty unlikely to me and in fact papers that have just come to light reveal the embarrassing truth for the prison was that they just caught the guard off duty by saying can we just pop out? No you can't. I got it, it's Frank's birthday. Still no. Oh, now we're right, just make sure you're back by dinner time,

alright. And as always a section of the Google is going straight in the bin. When in fact a number of sections this week, firstly an invaluable are you Denzel Washington guide? Also part one of a new week by week constructed genuine joke series this week the words and so I said to him Next week we'll give you part one of the setup and also a free Jubilee commemoration sound effect this week as recorded exclusively in the Bugles exclusive coverage of the Jubilee the sound of the queen having her Jubilee breakfast treat of toast with peanut butter, strawberry jam and tartar sauce. We're still a food processor so she could drink it from her special American style sports drinks at during the rather tedious boat parade.

All that's in the bit. That's in the bit. TAB STORY THIS WEEK, THE HANG OVER! Diamond Jubilee Edition! And it was a four-day binge of patriotism that my well have left a trial of devastation in its wake, because after the 96-hour orgy of ostentatious nationalism, the British public now has to prepare for the painful come down. On Wednesday morning, British people across the country woke up groggy with a headache, an empty wallet, and a tangible sense of shame. Looking

around at a bedroom, confused at the bunting, hanging down from the ceiling fan, and assaulted gnomes strewn across the floor, thinking, what the f*** did I just do? Then it was just a case of trying to piece together memories from photographs and news footage. Holy s**t, it looks like I was on some kind of fest dune barge in the rain for some reason. Then I was at an outdoor concert screaming profanities at Shirley Bassie, then I was nakin' enough fountain, then it looks like I'm one of stolen a corgi, then I- Holy s**t, think I've got a union jack tattooed on my face! Please say this is facepages! Please God say this is facepages! What if I'd actually been writing it off with some of the British media coverage?

I think union jack facial tattoos could actually become compulsory by the time of the Queen's 70th Jubilee. I think the thing that's more likely than not likely to happen. The Diamond Jubilee celebrations, Andy, though, had everything in the truest sense in that there was genuinely something for everyone. If you're a monarchist, you got to see the pomp and ceremony of a four-day-long royal parade. And if you're an anti-monarchist,

you got to see the Queen being miserably forced to stand and shiver in the rain for hours and hours. That was the beauty of the diamond Jubilee, it both celebrated and tortured the queen. That's right, whether you thought it was Jubilee or Jubilee, Britain certainly did acclaim the glorious apotheosis of the acceptable wrinkly face of medieval feudalism. And I think it was a very interesting event, John, that sort of showed Britain sort of, well, technically celebrating wildly and complaining vociferously to itself. And I think some questions have arisen that really needs to be addressed. Firstly, could Queen Elizabeth actually be the Messiah? Because him and her.

It seemed that way about two days in. It seemed like that was the only rational explanation. Because the queen was basically Lady Jesus. She managed to turn millions of traditionally grumpy and lately complaining to them and historically anti-social British people into a nation of flag-waving canoe-charing, street party biscuits-wopping convivulous. Which is frankly a f*** of a lot more impressive

than pitching up at someone's wedding and saying, don't worry, it's a bugger when this applies later down. Tell you what, I've got a cret of plonking a back of my donkey guy, you can have it, no problem, say, hey guys, where's the press release out on this, all right? Yeah, John Boy, you can get creative on this one, if you want. Matt, Marco, Luca, lay off here.

I don't wanna come across as two pro booze, Keppie, tell you what, you guys work on me giving that itchy skin, do some nivier green, right? Nice one, right, who's repaint? Did you see the queen's face during the Jubilee concert on Monday? That was not the face of a woman enjoying the experience long bit.

When the band Madness played on the roof of Buckingham Palace, her expression was not, wow, this is incredible. It was, who are those ghastly men? And tell them to put their guitars down and get off the top of my f***ing house! The concert also featured performances from artists including Stevie Wonder and Sir Paul McCartney and it culminated an appearance on stage by the Queen herself. Now if the Queen had any lady balls Andy, she would have walked onto that stage, grabbed

the microphone and launched into a high velocity performance of Guns and Roses welcome to the jungle. Welcome to the jungle, once got fun and games, once got everything, once, and he won those names in the jungle? Welcome to the jungle What you bring it to your Then screaming queen out and dropping the microphone and walking back into the palace shouting up at madness Seriously get off my Get off my f***ing rod! But she didn't do it, did she?

I guess you know, constitutes me. She just has to be that little bit too neutral to pull that gun off stunts off. I would have loved to see her sing one sexy and the BBC knows it. That's what I love to see. She's unquestionably magic. John, I had proof of this. You know, as you know, I'm not monochist, as my tattoo of what was left of Charles I on my back, it testified, but she is unquestionably,

and in fact, I get, I write my, the, the Bugles Huffington Post blog, I wrote that my attitude towards the Royal family. So I guess like, you know, somebody doesn't like football, their attitude towards watching England in a major football tournament, just basically ignore it, don't really care about it, don't really understand what all the fuss is about, and probably only tune in if it goes to penalties. And with the Royal family, the last time I went to penalties, was 1649 and the execution of Charles for first. But she is my, I had proof of how magic the Queen is over the Jubilee weekend because I was feeling hungry. So I ate a sandwich and literally within minutes I was feeling fine again.

And I realised that my miracle cure must have been because that sandwich contained a molecule that was once part of the queen. Maybe from the royal skin that she sluffs off every spring before a good summer's monocking. Maybe who knows from a loose hair that's once, maybe blew out from under her crown at a changing of the colour, who knows. We also can't ignore this, John. Life expectancy in Britain has risen whilst the Queen has been parking her perfect posterior on the throne from around 29 at the start of her reign that at Middle East judging only by the life of the country legend Hank Williams who died at 29 on 1st of January 1953 left them a year into the Queen's reign and Middle East he wasn't British but still he could have been. And that has risen from 29 to more than 80 today and the reason clearly John is that since the Queen came to the throne, they have been sparking this nation's tap water with her breast milk.

You have to wonder why she kept on having children, John, because this nation needed her to keep pumping it out, John. I mean, it's so powerful that it doesn't need a lot. It doesn't need, and they're still using some of the reserves from the Prince Edward days. But I mean, that just shows what this, I mean, I think she should be over Lord of all humanity and King as well. Andy, how were you not hired as a BBC commentator for one of the days? Because you know, it's that kind of unique patriotic insight

that the BBC could have done with even more of. Well, they got Jimmy Carr instead. They did ask me, but I'd said I'd rather watch it on Telly, because when you're there, you don't get to see all the, I get to see the music as well. And I'm a massive, Cheryl Colfan, massive. The Queen was introduced to the Jubilee concert stage by Prince Charles, who referred to her

in his speeches his mummy and who should immediately have had the crowd take his lunch money from him and been hung up on the goats of Buckingham Palace by his underpants. Why? Because he's 63 years old Andy who says mummy at 63. He's supposed to be king. How can you be a king if you've been masculated yourself in front of your entire nation like that? The only time you can be king if you use the word mommy

is if you're four years old, you're in the bath and your crown is made of soap suds. That's the only time. And also technically, if we go by royal protocol, he should have called your royal majestic mommyie mummy. That was a technical term. That is right. That is true. But no one cares about tradition anymore, Andy. Well, this is the problem. The Queen then pressed a crystal into a pod, igniting a beacon on the wall. And what a letdown that must have been for the crowd, because that's a quite a science fiction-based

build-up and a crystal into a pod. When the crane put it in there, that crowd must have hoped that a spaceship was gonna come out of the ground in front of Buckingham Palace and the queen say, this is something I've been working on for the last 60 years. What else did you think I was doing in there? Or it opened a stargate, or maybe a portal to hell,

or instantly grazed in a 60-foot hologram of Pippa Middleton. Oh, Pippa. Oh, sweet 60-foot hologram to Pippa. What is really interesting, John, is that this was not just popular in Britain. It was popular in other countries. What was there a lot of coverage in America? There was an absolutely inexplicable amount of coverage here in America, Andy. Oh, was there for a straightening amount of coverage? Well, I mean, that's clearly, you know, the pangs of regret, that's now been held held for about two or 35 years. But it's also another country that once had British, Britain as its supplier of monarchs, France, they had a 25% audience share of the TV audience in

France watching the Jubilee celebrations and they don't even really care about seeing Steve Redgrave row about anymore. I don't think it's interesting, you put this alongside low voter turnouts in general political apathy. This is a single that people are now prepared to just ditch democracy as a nice idea but frankly too much hassle for a busy world. And after 13 billion years of trying, the universe has finally fluked on the ideal head of state. It's not a rabble-rousing demagogue, it's not a benevolent dictator, it's not an earthy

man of the people, or a woman of the whoop people. It's not even a heroic resistance fighter like Mandela or Ongsan Tsushi or a muscular icon like Henry VIII Genghis Khan or Vladimir Putin. It's not someone who rules with decisive authority or calm legislative control or who can work a camera or a crowd. It's an octogenarian granny with literally no power who has basically never said a meaningful word in public, who has no authority to speak her mind on any political issue and has

never been known to spell anyone's point, or buy buy anyone a point or put up a tax on anyone's point. She's not charismatic, inspirational, suffused with a natural humanitarism. She is basically a very smartly dressed cardboard cut out with a natty line in head gear and that, John, is what humanity needs and humanity wants. If only we discovered this 10,000 years ago, there might have been about 95% fewer wars than there have been. Well done the Queen, she's finally brought us to our senses, John. Oh, Andy, I'm telling you, that should have been the speech to introduce her to the state who I think was that. Anyway, don't hold that against her. Ladies and gentlemen, I might just be the Queen. That's why the BBC ditched Dimpleby

from their coverage. The excitement in France was just bizarre. They had millions of viewers watching a three and a half hour live Jubilee special on Sunday afternoon in France. And apparently this is part of a trend, because since the Royal Wedding last year and the success of the film The King's Speech, the British monarchy have been very, very popular in France. The wedding, the Royal Wedding was broadcast live on not just one, but three French television channels attracting huge audiences.

And it seems that we've exported an incredible amount of enthusiasm for the Royal Family. Britain may now need to be a Royal Family event-based economy. It seems they specially strange that France be so enthused about the Royal family because the last time they had one, they did capitated most of them. It might be getting a bit of execution as remorse all of a sudden. But I will say this to the French, if they ever have any doubts of a whether they did the right thing in chopping the heads off their old Royal family, then they should just take one day

trip visit to Versailles and look around because that is a building that screams out Someone has to fucking die for this Well, maybe actually was it was misinterpreted and really they just thought there maybe they'd be like hydras If you chop their heads off they'd grow even more Royal heads and even more to wave your flag up. Yeah, that maybe that was it. The, it does, it did seem at one point with the reaction of crowds in Britain and around the world that the only person not enjoying the dog would do really was the queen herself.

And if you're wondering why the queen constantly looked like someone had just slapped her across the face with a wet hat and took of the festivities, then consider this. We basically hospitalised her hospital. After the term's for a tiller on Sunday, Prince Philip was rushed to hospital with a bladder infection and listen, I like Prince Philip as much as the next person in that I don't really like him much at all.

But he is 91 years old. If you saw anyone forcing a 90 on your old man to take a two hour boat ride in the cold, standing up the whole time in the pouring rain for hours, you would say they were fucking sadistic. Also, I'm not actually sure that he got sick at all, Andy. I think he saw the way the first two days have gone, realised they were only half way through this celebration and he took a dive. I think he took a dive, I think the other members of the Royal family only angry that they didn't think of that first. Apparently Princess Antroyd to fake a heart attack to get her out of the public picnic, but after five minutes of rolling around on the floor and clutching her chest,

she realised that everyone was calling her pluff and got them and said, oh all right, I'll go, but I'm not shaking anyone's hands and I'm not going to enjoy it. There was a lot of criticism of the BBC coverage of the boat parade. And it was a sort of curious boat parade and that, you know, I was expecting something really quite spectacular. And it was just a load of little boats toodling along the Thames with a million people waving branded flags at them. And there was another thing I went up to the Battersea

Park where the floatel started from to do a radio interview, about three or four hours before it kicked off. And there was a big queue of people waiting to get in. And they were being handed Union Jack Flags, free Union Jack Flags by representatives of the Celebrity Gossip magazine, Hello. So these were Union jack flags with the word Hello in massive letters across the middle. Let's just go to show that a moment of national pride and communal celebration can as all things in Britain be turned into a grotesque marketing opportunity by an organisation of absolutely no worth whatsoever.

But there was another side to this, John. As you mentioned, the Queen and Prince Philip, you know, are definitely, I would say, let's say, nearer to death than birth, probably. That is a very gentle way of putting it. You know, they are elderly people and all these people waving flags with hello in big letters. Did make it seem like some kind of nursing home situation. Hello! Hello! Are you okay? Oh, there was okay magazine. Are you okay? Hello! As you say, there were quite a lot of complaints

saying to the BBC about its programming. Nearly 2,500 people complained. And the press very, very criticized the coverage of Sunday's river page and calling it in Nain Antidius. Now, to be fair to the BBC, Andy, it was a river pageant, which by its nature is both in Nain Antidius. Unless the boats are going to start trying to sink each other, it was not going to get exciting. Even though the rain definitely did help the entertainment, because I've now realised that I never want to see another choir sink in the national anthem, unless they are drenched to the skin, shivering and seemingly suffering from motion sickness.

And also, where is it escaped while when you need it? I've got one halfway up the table. There's nothing there to interrupt. That could have made that pageant a joke. Where is an escaped whale when you need it? I have one halfway out the tent. There's nothing there to interrupt. That could have made that pageant jump. I would have been so great. Release a whale in there and see what people do. Or just a shark.

Let's see if the queen really is. Her past queens led the country into battle on horseback, Andy. If the queen saw a great white shark in the terms, I would love her to just put a little tooth pick in her mouth, look straight down the camera and say, we're going to need a bigger barge. Terrorism update now! There's a gear shift. In this terrorism update... It's only a gear shift thanks to the sensible precautions that were taken by the British Security Services. A good point Andy, a good point. A report came out this week that Americans are as likely to be killed by their own furniture

as terrorism. Now, that's a sentence which needs no explanation, but let's give it one anyway, but first let's repeat it. Americans are as likely to be killed by their own furniture as terrorism, a striking sentence, Andy. But what does it mean? Does that show a fall in the cases of terrorism or a rise in the cases of killer furniture? Let's explain. These statistics comes from a 2011 report from the National Counterterrorism Centre, which is the US government's best statistical analysis of terrorism trends throughout this worldwide incidence tracking system. So this report is not a joke. Unfortunately, its conclusion

does sound a lot like one because it states that the number of US citizens, citizens that is, not people working in the military or for a government group abroad, who died in terrorist attacks, increased by two between 2010 and 2011 while, and I quote, a comparable number of Americans are crushed to death by their television's or furniture each year. Are we absolutely sure that this furniture isn't being trained by terrorists to launch those attacks, Andy? Is Bob's furniture warehouse anything more than a terrorist training camp for radicalised couches?

Perhaps it's time that we flew some arm chairsairs, some coffee tables, some French dresses, down to Guantanamo Bayanvi, to get some fucking answers out of them. Oh, you won't talk with your coffee table? Well, how about I just leave this glass of water on you without a fucking coaster and see if that jokes your memory? Sure, Liberals are gonna say that's torture and deeper

and that America should not be luring yourself to engaging in that kind of behavior. But this country is at war and desperate times call for desperate measures. If you've got a thing Jack Bauer furniture shopping in IKEA. What reports that I've found so that there are 176 annual fatalities from falling televisions.

So just shows that death can be chemicals by metaphor as well as physics. And the rebook can get you with symbolism as well as embolism. It is truly extraordinary. There were 150,000 murders in America over the last 10 years, which means that you've been 630 times more likely to be killed by someone without a political motive as with a political motive. And that just shows how deeply rooted apathy has become, John. I think this is a shame. I think we need to be training our murderous to be killing people for a cause. And you're also almost 2,000 times more likely to die in a road accident, than who's been supplying all the oil that powers those cars? That's right, it's the Bin Laden family, the oil magnates from Saudi Arabia. And roughly you are 100,000

times more likely as an American to be assassinated by your own lifestyle choices as by a terrorist. Now, if only cigarettes and hamburgers had big beards and released occasional threat-like threatening videos. They might take their threats to a whole way of life and death a little more seriously. And you are still more likely to be run over and killed by a horse drawn cart than by a terrorist. That is a fact. Also more likely to be killed doing an over-enthusiastic Beyonce impression near a large domestic freezer or explaining to inattentive schoolchildren how Joan of Arc died, or getting over competitive and a who can put their tie on fastest race, then you are by a terrorist. Now those are facts, John, false facts, but facts, nonetheless.

And this is another fact, in the year 2000, I quote, Ignition or melting of Nightwear caused nine deaths in America. Ignition or melting of nightwear caused nine deaths in America. And that is even before LMFAO released um sexism. This was the statistic in the report though, which perhaps on surprising was still I think pretty horrifying. In cases, this is a quote, in case the religious affiliation of terrorism casualties could be determined, affiliation of terrorism casualties could be determined. Muslims suffered between 82 and 97% of terrorism-related fatalities over the past five years. That is a pretty useful statistic to combat Islamophobia, Andy.

Next time some bigoted moron is glaring angrily at a mosque somewhere, it might be worth pointing out to him that Muslims are far more likely to be killed by terrorists than actually be terrorists themselves. Perhaps that might provide some calm to that empty shaved head. And besides, that big it might also want to spend a bit less time worrying about threatening looking Muslims and more time worrying about threatening looking furniture that statistically might be plotting to kill in one day. Terrorism is, in fact, as this is the figure show, one of the least efficient killers of American second,

only two shark attacks, of which there were only 12 fatalities last year and no American fatalities at all, which rather takes the thrill out of watching jaws or the Olympic open water swimming race, or indeed as you suggested, the Queen's Jubilee pageant. It just isn't a risk anymore. There were 29 unprovoked sharkers, taxing the US in 2009, which is an interesting statistic, but none of them were fatal.

But also, that suggests that they are not counting provoked sharkers. Yes, and no, should they. No, should they. That's the lowest figure. Since 1990, who would provoke a shock attack? I mean, that is going too far to impress a girl. If that's what you've got to do, move on.

That's the lowest figure since 1998. And it's been blamed, John, on the economic downturn because it turns out that fewer people are now able to afford a day out at the beach. And this is resulted. So, you know, the global economic catastrophe has some benefits. Let's stop looking at the negative. Let's stop looking at the collapse of Europe and, you know, endemic unemployment across the industrialized world.

Let's look at the slightly fewer number of shark attacks in America. It could also, to be fair, be due to sharks living healthy, life-styles and not eating junk food anymore. We just don't know. You're right, Andy. We should be thanking those bankers. Those unregulated bankers. We should be getting on on these and thanking them that we're not shark food.

LAUGHTER Your emails now, and we have an email here from Benjamin Hodgson, who's titled as email China continues its war on bullshit. He says, dear Chris, Andy and John in order of distance evolved from up-primeite ancestors. Um, hey. He says, I'll bring you the news of our latest attempt by the Chinese government to put an end to its lifelong arch-nemesis, The Bugle. An article in the International Business Times says that the Chinese version of Twitter,

CNY-BO, has recently introduced a new rating system for dealing with inappropriate commentary. Users start out with 80 points, and they're gradually deducted for spreading falsehoods on a sliding scale. Lying to 100 other users will cost you 2 points while spreading an untruth to over a thousand users results in a deduction of 10 points and an immediate 15-day ban from the service. An account that loses all 80 of his points is closed down permanently. Falsehoods lie both to result in the deduction of points and clue to the following. Information that is wholly false or encompasses falsified details, using non-conforming or false images,

exaggerating events, presenting already resolved events as ongoing, giving incomplete or hidden information and misquoting others. Given that you are guilty of pretty much all of these offenses on a weekly basis, in a piece that the system was designed with the express purpose of discrediting the bugle. I think scene of Ibo's new system should be tested, sign up the bugle for an account and see how quickly it gets possibly closed down, or if the whole website collapses in on

itself in a supermassive black hole of bullshit. In fact, this news cements the bugle in its position as the one-world institution standing between China and total world domination, all the best Benjamin Hodson. It's true, Andy. I mean, what would China's service there? How would they react to you, implying that the queen had been tainting Britain's water supply without breast milk? How many points is that, A-1?

Well, it's probably nothing different than what they've been doing in China, I would imagine. I mean, how many children a Chairman Mow have? I don't know, but I mean, all I know is that he was regularly milked. I guess that's another 30 points there. Chairman Mao was regularly milled by China. It's all in this little red book. And this one on the subject, the 4th of July, from Danny in Villa Rica, Georgia. Who writes,

Did Andy Christian John, I was talking with a friend recently about doing something on the 4th of July. And it came up that he had a British friend who quotes, always made sure to wear a black armband on the floor. With this little tidbit, fresh in my mind, I'd be going to wonder how the rest of the British population thought of it. Do you take up arms and burn the American flag in the streets, mourn the day you lost control of your little colony, with funeral processions and durgies. What do you do something else in Tarlie?

I'll tell you what we do and you can have seen it on television over the whole of the last extended weekend We celebrate our god-given queen the queen that you f***ers could still have had if you hadn't mean stuff shit in little up starts in the 18th century Too late American come groveling back with your news crews, with a neatly-kempt hair. You can't have a back. You cannot have a... ...sport now and Euro 2012 kicks off in a couple of hours, in fact, as we're recording, Chris is looking quite excited about who's your money on Chris. For the first game, or for the whole thing, the whole thing.

For the whole tournament Germany. Germany. Yeah, looking good too soon. Too soon, Chris. Yes, they play beautiful football now, but it's just not enough. It's sort of ground that they're quite confident over Arican. Um, I'm, uh, Portugal 21. Look, I mean, they've got, they've got the Custer Tarts

and they've got Christiana Ronaldo. That's going, you know, potentially potent combination. Michelle Platte and the head of the waffer has called on the players to entertain, which for most international football teams, it's like calling on the Queen to break dance. Basically what John did earlier in this, and it's as bad as likely to happen. The Queen, yeah, I guess the Queen, you know, the differences for both fans won a bit of entertain. Where's the Queen, as we saw with the Jubilee, her crowd is happy with her just waddling around on a boat and waving as if she's stroking a gerbil or trying to collect

a seamen sample from a sleeping battery without waking up. But fumble fans, I'll buy night. But more fans. Oh fuck, you can. Oh, come on, you cannot deny that. That is what it looks like. Yep. Oh, she's just polishing a very small man's head. But what are England's chances in this jubilee year, this great year of bread and circuses in which complaints about the Olympics seem to be ratcheting up as the days get closer and closer?

From what bread and circuses, John, is if you give the British people bread and circuses, people will start complaining about having a wheat intolerance and being allergic to seeing clowns cram into a car. But what are England's chances in this tournament? Sir, John, I mean, I imagine in America they're talking of little else right now. Oh, yeah, nonstop. Yep. And obviously the recipe for success is to model ourselves on Greece,

who won the Euro 2004 championships. No, it's not. No, but... And then... And you'll kill the sport, just completely kill it from the next five years. And the recipe for success. Of course, that time is best known for the still untested olive-as-ultimate live double act being the proud recipients of a 100% walk out and edit the video.

Yeah, that's true. ...again, three minutes after England had lost on penalties to Portugal. But Greece's recipe for success eight years ago is the most likely one for English success in 2012, the unremittingly, testicle-crushingly negative and unfeasably lucky? Be jammyer than a child's face at a rodeo donut eating competition, spawnier than a maternity ward for frogs, and flukeier than a Georgetown University law student in broad and a dispute with biolchundering radio-shit-bag rush limbaugh while suffering from a parasitic

flatworm in the liver, and eating either of the two horizontally flattened divisions of the tale of a whale, a whale which ironically was killed by the barb of a harpoon fired by the American mystery novel author Joanne Fluk, who coincidentally at the time had been listening to an album, Brie, a little known British electronic aband, Fluk. I think I made the point. That is what we need, John. That is what this need, we need. And also, eight years ago, the last

time England qualified for Euro Championships, I got engaged during the tournament. So, er, true. This could be pretty exciting times for me. Every time in the last 11 years that England have played in European Championships, I've got engaged at some point during that tournament. And we're doing some commentary on Monday and we are. Yes. So on absolute radio on their 90s channel, I believe, and on their website, I, along Sarkrisch and the comedian Alan Cochran, long, long, long standing friend of John and mine, particularly from Tuesday football, the home. Proud Englishman.

Proud Scottish Englishman. We'll be doing live commentary on the England, France, sadly, John over an unavailable for selection, having abandoned his country. Do tune in. Are there any more details I need to reveal? No, just go and then listen to us and say that you enjoyed it or did that will do. Oh yeah, I'll just read on the number of Napoleon references I managed to cremate. Andy, you're forgetting the most important news as the Euros approach and that is that a

190 foot Roy Hodgson has been erected on the Dover Coast. It's unbelievable. There's a massive statue of England's manager, Roy Hodgson. Quite similar to the Christ sculpture from Brazil is currently standing on the cliffs of Dover. And the amazing thing about this is that they might you think, wow, there might actually be a statue of me somewhere one day. Because if there's a statue of Roy Hodgson, suddenly the idea of a statue of yourself seems less remote and more achievable. What I'm saying is Andy, if there's a 108-foot statue of Roy f***ing Hodgson, anything is possible. Of course it was built from the wreckage of the 180-foot Neville Chamberlain statue that was basically our main plan for aerial defense in 1939. So just quickly, could England be a dark horse for this tournament?

Yes, but unfortunately our first game is against France. So we'll take one look at that dark horse and think, let's cognizee with a little piece of garlic. We'll have more on the Eros next week, including the slightly difficult problem of racism, the seems to have attached itself to the tournament. So that's it, do keep your emails coming in to info at thebugelpodcast.com, you can follow the at hellobugelers Twitter feeds where you can also read back the live commentary on the Jubilee Parade from last weekend and I'll probably be doing some commentary on the

football on it as well. And our SoundCloud page. Soundcloud.com slash the hyphen bugle. That's where it's all going on people. It is literally all going on. Goodbye, bugleers. Bye! God keep saving that. God damn queen. Continue to save her world. In the words of the BBC. Oh yeah.