The Bugle - Bugle 198 – Warm up and melt down

Episode Date: June 15, 2012

The world prepares for another half-arsed attempt to save itself, sheep are unleased on London 2012, Elvis is alive, and Andy gives the most complete analysis of the Eurozone crisis yet, Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugleers, and welcome to issue 198 of the Bugle audio newspaper for an unapologetically visual world. The enemy of injustice, hypocrisy, and fact. With me, Andy Zoltzmely three-time European winemaker of the year that's wine with an H, man was I'm a nine-year-old and 18-year-old and 35-year-old. And joining me live now from the city known very sleigh as the big apple, the frotting elk, the little apple that's going back a little way now and the apple pit that's back

to the 17th century and also known as quite New York in other words New York. It's the man who each news and belches satire. It's John Oliver. Hello Andy. Hello, Buglas. Andy, in case any non-American uh, Buglas are wondering if this November's presidential election is going to be interesting or not, let me quickly bring you up to speed. I spent a fair amount of this week working on a story for the Daily Show about Florida voting laws. And for those buglers who are not aware of Florida as a state, let me bring you off to speed.

Florida is basically where America's grandparents and its democracy go to die. Ha ha ha. The current governor of Florida is involved in a controversial attempt to purge the electoral voter rolls in a move that many people believe to be politically motivated due to the fact that it is. And you might be thinking, hold on, a Florida governor purging voters just months before

a presidential election, I think I'm experiencing Deshardouche. Well, you are. Because Flora, of course, dragged us through all of this in 2000 when the presidency was decided by under 600 votes. And it looks like they're up to their old tricks again. So there is so much to look forward to already in November, Andy, because it once more looks like the White House is in the hands of a state which has alligator crossing signs in the hands of a state which has alligator crossing signs

in the road so that you know you can drive around f***ing alligators in the road. I think I'd have to purge voters they should have the decency to do it properly go style in style. You know another yes. You know let's be above board about it Florida. It's the subterfuge I can't stand. As always, some sections of the bugle are going straight in the bin. This week, a car accessories section, including window holograms. Do you like to drive safely and carefully without endainter in your life and those of others by driving like an idiot in a potentially killing machine? Well, don't worry, you can still look cool with our window holograms that make you look like you are not really paying attention.

Also, a traffic wasp, a new piece of technology, that helps you find the jam. When you're on your way to a tedious day at work or a family get together that you would rather avoid, traffic wasp will direct you straight into the busiest possible traffic jams to enable you to turn up as late as possible, but with a half-decent excuse. And also an electronic scrolling message display so you can tell other drivers what you really think of them, just strap it to your roof and it's equipped with basic phrases including do not drive your car into my car, which is basically what most honks of the horn mean, and you dickbag what's where you're driving. And also slightly more generous, you took that corner really beautifully. And also in the being a special picnic accessory offer

for the summer, we're offering you a free semifork, eats your sandwich food on a scenic cliff top and communicate with passing shipping with the new semifork. As used by Lord Nelson. I highly recommend, Andy, that you plow your entire life savings into the traffic was. Top story this week. Its name is Rio and its summit is the plea floor.

Andy, next week. Oh, you cut yourself off in mid-southothal, I thought I was going to go long that song, John. Yeah, it could have gone long. It could have gone long. Leave the audience wanting slightly less. That's always been our career motto. That's right, that's right.

Fractionally less. Next week is the Rio Summit, or Rio plus 20, as it's been branded, to signify the fact that it was 20 years ago, the 172 countries gathered in Rio for the first ever Earth Summit, and where all the global problems of pollution, overpopulation and poverty were resolved, and we all lived happily ever after. That was the intention back in 1992, anyway. What happened instead was that none of that happened at all. But it doesn't mean that it's not worth trying

because just because you fall off a bike and tumble over the edge of a cliff breaking 32 bones before falling into the water and getting treated like a tasting menu by sharks doesn't mean you shouldn't just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back on the bike anyway. Just because we failed 20 years ago and every year since, doesn't mean that this year won't be the year. You've got to be

in it to win it. Yeah, just a Rio plus 2020, since the Rio Earth Summit of Hang on 2012, take away 20. That's 12 in the year 12. When the world one as you said got together and said so should we save this crazy old planet of ours yeah yeah yeah yeah we should do that they agreed you're thing we should definitely definitely do that it's going straight into our into a man we're going to do some serious stuff about saving the well damn straight we are going to do some stuff in that conversations basically carried on in exactly the same way for 20 years until this day. And I find around of negotiations leading up to the summit, which begins next Wednesday,

and there's still disagreements on issues like energy, water and food security in poorer countries, and whether to phase out fossil fuel subsidies and boost ocean protection. And with three days of negotiation left, only 20% of things have been agreed. I guess it's never got to rush these things John. I mean let's take God as an example, the celebrity, former deity, he made the world in six days. Now he

rushed it out for the sake of publicity and he got that publicity but at the cost of a seriously botched planet. In fact the whole environmental problem faced today or ignored today, will realistically, comes down to the fact that God did in six days where any sensible person would have taken, I don't know, six billion fucking years over. You're gonna end out the rough edges. This year's Rio Summit, as you mentioned,

will supposedly focus on efforts to reduce poverty while protecting the environment. The problem with that particular combination is that it's a bit like trying to save a child from drowning with a breeze block type of balls. You know, unfortunately, making an already difficult job much, much harder. And as you say, pre-negotiations have been taking place in a small pre-summit and then attempt to draft this agreement before the summit starts. There have also been other key negotiations going on, the US Secret Service, being negotiators

and making it absolutely clear how many local prostitutes they are or are not allowed to sleep with. They do not want another repeat of Columbia where there was a bit of an administrative gray area over whether or not part of their job down there was to sleep with prostitutes while leaving the president's schedule lying around. I think there was to get that agreed up front. And this draft agreement is titled, the future we want and is apparently riddled with deletions, many instigated by the US

and many by the G77 China block of developing nations. The US has already drafted up its own counter document called the future you're getting. Apparently, that's not been accepted either. This Rio draft with currently around 20% agreement has been criticized in some quarters as being way too lenient on businesses, especially major banks and commodity corporations.

The main semantic sticking point is who the we in the future we want is referring to. Could that basically inform the content of the rest of the document? Greenpeace want we to refer to humanity in general, and the US want we to refer specifically to the US government and select major multinationals. America has said that they're willing to meet in the middle as long as the middle is in the centre of their own proposal. Well, that just goes to the surge on you, Cannot Spell Future without FU. The executive director of Greenpeace weighed in on this upcoming summit, saying the Rio Earth summit will not bring about the future we want.

It will provide a stark and distressing reminder of the present we have. Going on to say, a world in which public health, human rights, and sustainable development are subordinate to private profit, shallow national interest, and business as usual. At which point, most of the G8 countries suddenly jumped up and said, that's it! That is the perfect wording for the document. Let's go with that.

We will solemnly work together to achieve a world in which public health, human rights, and sustainable development are supporting it to private profit, shallow national interest and business as usual. What a beautiful centre. That is poetry. All of those who agree with that raise your hands. Okay, now just all the countries who count raise your hands. Wow, it's unanimous.

That is the future we want. Print out a thousand copies and throw them at the press. I am going to lunch. In this draft agreement, as I would improve energy food and water security, I really like that as an idea, John, but you have to ask at what cost, because like any other Westerner, I am quite prepared to let millions of poor people die

unless I'm certainly due to water food and energy shortages to sustain my own lifestyle. But the question is how many millions of people, you know, we're talking 20 million, I mean, I reckon I can steal my soul to cope with that. But if it goes much above 20 million, I'm afraid something is going to have to be done. It must be a truly demoralising area to work in because clearly the numbers here don't look good for next week's summit. Since the last Rio Summit 20 years ago, the Earth's population has gone up by 22%,

seafood consumption has gone up by 32%, meat consumption has gone up by 26%, meaning that the planet's general f*****ness has gone up at least 64%. We consume so much now that apparently over one and a half planets are currently needed to meet consumption demands. And again, there, when I say we can consume so much, that we clearly refers mainly to America and Europe, who both see natural resources as very much and all you can eat buffet. If you're not slightly ashamed of yourself by the time you're leaving, you shouldn't have been there in the first place. It would be easy to go into this summit, cynical and depressed. I believe it starts on Wednesday this summit, which is why it's so important for people to try to be upbeat in a widely circulated editorial

former Soviet president, Mikhail Gorbachev, who now runs Green Cross International, Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev, who now runs Green Cross International, contrasted the optimism and hope of the Rio Earth Summit 20 years ago with the cynicism and despair surrounding this one. So it was lucky that Jim Leap, the head of the World Wildlife Fund, had an inspiring speech to give us, to lift our hearts as we go into next Wednesday. He said, we are facing two likely scenarios. An agreement so weak, it is meaningless, or complete collapse. Neither of these options would give the world what it needs.

Wow, that is negative, Andy. I mean, I'm not saying that Jim Leap is wrong, but holy shit, that is pessimistic. That is a man who could not give a good half-time team talk alright team gather around now look I know things look bad out there but if we really dig deep if we give everything we have out there then we have two likely scenarios we either get completely humiliated or we get comprehensively destroyed. Now get out there and take the crossing defeat that now seems inevitable. Let's do this!

To quote Giovanni Trappaton in the Ireland manager from last night's game with Spain. So this is a question about phasing out fossil fuel subsidies and trying to reduce our dependence on fossil fuels. I think this is the wrong way of going about it John. I think we should be encouraging people to use more fossil fuels by a significant amount, because history has shown time and again, like the smug little no-all I told you so condescending shit that it is, that the human soul responds to nothing other than deadlines. And we to use our fossil fuels as quickly as possible to give ourselves no option other than not to use fossil fuels, because realistically, the way the human

brain works, we're not going to do anything about this until we all open our curtains every morning to see polar bears wrestling penguins on our front gardens. So the green movement for the long term good of the planet and the environment should be encouraging people to be as environmentally irresponsible as possible. It's a lost leader. At the altar, obviously stacked against anything significant being achieved during this summit. It's coming in the middle of a pretty tricky political period with a US presidential election later this year and impending change of leadership in China and with many nations experiencing very serious financial issues. Not only that, but it seems like not only do most key world leaders not care about any of the issues involved enough, it seems they can't even be bothered to turn up either.

President Obama, Prime Minister David Cameron, Angela Merkel and scores of other leaders have chosen not to be there next week and instead are sending inflatable versions of themselves, saying, seriously, I'll give you my word that they will pay exactly as much attention as I was going to anyway. Please keep me away from candles. To some, it's also going to focus on the thorny issue of population. The world's 105 leading science academies, including the British Royal Society, have warned international leaders that failure to act now on population growth and overconsumption will have quotes potentially catastrophic implications for human well-being and

Got himself as often these days has been eerily quiet on the issue And we could really do with him coming out and issuing one of his rare proclamations to the world Look, I'm not really that fussed about that kind of shit anymore. It was just more of a logistics and procedural thing for before Johnny's and stuff were invented. I just didn't want people injuring each other's flobble cracks trying to make a proper lactic ad of a pineapple or something. Plus, laugh expectancy was pretty ropey back then, so we kind of needed all the people we could get. But clearly isn't the f***ing case anymore.

So I'd really appreciate it if you stopped quoting some shit I said two or three thousand years ago. And the justification for something that is obviously somewhere doing idiotic and clinically insane now. Keppish? Right, I'm gonna FRO again for the next two thousand years. I'm building a new planet and this time I'm taking some f***ing time over it. I'm drawing plans and everything and no wasps and no boobs or willies or anything like that They're clearly too much of a distraction. Cheerio up the quins build on it boys. Don't want to be a flash in the pan Now chisel that into snowmoses and read it back to me

Spane update now and well a few updates for you regarding Spain. Spanish food update, fantastic. Spanish football update, sensational. Spanish economy update, totally fucked. I mean turbo fucked, Andy. Mujos, Mujos! Now, Spain this week was forced to ask for a bailout as its economy threatened to pull a wide brimmed hat over its eyes and take a permanent CSN. The bailout will be an estimated 100 billion euros, but Spain contends that it is neither a bailout nor a rescue. So what is it then Andy? A gift? A banking error in their favour?

What would they call someone giving them 100 billion euros? The Spanish Prime Minister at Mariano de Jói was insistent that the bailout, which wasn't a bailout, because he said he didn't want it to be a bailout. So it definitely wasn't a bailout, it just looked like a bailout. And happened to be the same amount of money that a bailout would be. And it was actually going to be used to bail out some Spanish banks. But critically, it was not a bailout. He insisted that it was his idea all along.

He said, no one pressure me into this. I pushed for it myself because I wanted a line of credit. It's not a bailout. It's a victory. The Finance Minister at the Spain said in the press conference, it's alone with very favorable terms. Much more favorable than the market in no way is this a bailout. And the next day when the Spanish people started calling bullshit

on this whole explanation, the Prime Minister called a press conference and doubled down, still refusing to call it a bailout, and instead referring it to it as, and I quote, what happened on Saturday? LAUGHTER How long does he think he's going to be as, and I quote, what happened on Saturday? How long does he think he's going to be able to keep this up, Andy? I would just like to thank the Eurozone for what happened on Saturday. I hope this fixes our banks and we won't need

another what happened on Saturday in the future. Also, the terms of what happened on Saturday leave us room for Manuva. And we intend to pay, and this is important, we intend to pay back every penny of our what happened on Saturday. 100 billion euros to rescue Spanish banks. That's quite a lot of money, but I guess, you know, once you've started shoveling money into a black hole, you really have to keep doing it

until it fills up. You know, I'm not an astronaut, but I reckon that's gotta to be the way forward. There's been a lot of questions everywhere, exactly all this money is going, which the Spanish government has responded. There you go. It's fine. The truth is that every single government that has received a bailout from Europe,

Ireland, Greece and Portugal have fallen from power soon after. So the Prime Minister of Spain knows that it's not one of those game shows where you have to avoid saying a particular word to win a prize. He knows at the moment he says the word bailout, a buzzer's going to sound, a trap door's going to open underneath his feet, and he's going to be out of office before he can say, well, I've had a lovely day. And he's going to be out of office before he can say, well, I've had a lovely day.

The thing that spoke volumes about the size of his cajonis was after this press conference where he looked the press call and the eye and said that the 100 billion bailout was not a bailout. It was what happened on Saturday. Rather than retreats to his office to go and strategize with his economic team about how best to use the money to get Spain out of this recession. Instead of doing that, he took a plane to Poland and he fucked off to go watch the football. That's pretty incredible, Andy. Well it's just the latest effort to shovel out some of the financial shit from the

Orgian stables of the European banking sector. Basically, it's trying to shovel it out with a kid's plastic bucket and spade. And the problem is the feeling persistent, John, that even if Hercules could clean all the horses from these particular Orgian stables, all he would find underneath is some stables made of horseshit. And the load of horses cryptic crosswords tucked under their forelegs, looking a bit pained in the stomach and they're all that's gone right through me. Excuse me, I may be some time.

Basically, Europe as a continent, which seems an inappropriate title for it in this, this is certainly circumstances, as a continent, Europe has behaved financially like a man who got one testicle stuck in a George Foreman grill and rectified the situation by buying another George Foreman grill with money it didn't have and slamming it shut on his other testicle. So at least he looked vaguely symmetrical before saying, help, help, I really need your help. lend me some money so I can buy a George Foreman grill to put my penis in. I don't think I've ever understood the complications of what's happening in your economy better

than after that sentence. You might have just stumbled on the most incredible economic analysis. There's been written over the last five years. Oh, dear. Spain is in real trouble. They're in their second deep recession and have an unemployment rate of 24% for the adult population and more than 50% for the under 25. So it may well be that this bailout is not nearly enough anyway, especially as Greece

is holding more elections this weekend. And if they elect as an anti-osteroity government, Europe could yet unleash its panic tornado again. Some members of the Eurozone think that the only way to shore it up is to draw the country's closer together so it operates more like one big country with a single set of rules and regulations than just a collection of countries, but basically buying one enormous George Foreman group that we can slam down on all our testicles. And a journalist wrote this week that that would mean the collective debt being shared

by everybody. So the weaker shielded and backed up by the strong. A bit like adding your teenage offspring to your car insurance rather than making them apply for their own. The problem with adding these troubled countries to your car insurance, Andy, is that you know that Greece are going to be asleep in the back of a car. Italy is going to be banging its girlfriend in the back of its car, and Spain is going to have its car roof caved in by a donkey that's been thrown from a clock tower. It's a high risk strategy. The truth is, it may well get to the point where Europe is forced to realise that it is more economically viable as a continent when we're all at war with each other than when we're all cooperating.

So I thought, really kind of epitomised, basically what is going on in the way things work. It was from a report on this story by Reuters, who said Spain will have to play the right cards at the right time. And that really leaves you in no doubt as to what is going on here. This is not economics, John. This is high stakes poker. And the cards are loaded. They might as well have said Spain will have to guess the right number, or at least get

red or black right, spin the wheel, and hope to f***ing God it doesn't end up being beaten to a pulp out of the back of the casino by the casino owners hired goons. Ha ha. BELL RINGS Elvis has left the building. Now Elvis is back in the building again, he's back. Now, news emerged this week that Elvis Presley

is to be digitally recreated for a series of live shows and TV appearances. A virtual hologram style likeness of the King will be produced by the same company who made that amazing two-pack hologram that played at Coachella this year and instantly sobered up an entire crowd who'd not been warned that this was gonna happen.

So, essentially, suddenly thought that the ghost of Tupac had emerged and was shouting at them. What's up Coachella? I don't know. What is up Ghost of Tupac? The Elvis concerts announcement has caused understandably quite a stir. Elvis Presley Enterprise has said, this is a new and exciting way to bring the magic and music of Elvis to life. They went on to say, it's also a new and exciting way to bring the magic and music of Elvis to life. They went on to say, it's also a new and exciting way to milk the wither teet of this cash

account legacy. Well, that's very interesting. I mean, I've died at Geeks, John, but not 35 years before I've even gone on stage. But I think, I mean, this could be something Britain as a nation can learn from. We've seen with the Jubilee celebrations quite a popular, the Queen is. And just using holograms, we could make the Queen immortal, John. And in fact, I think she should be at least on backing vocals, preferably rhythm, or league guitar, at all rock concerts in Britain for all eternity. I think we owe her that much after her six decades of not flouncing out in a half like her Uncle Eddie did. Also like C. George Washington and Abraham Lincoln come

back to life to work as pundits on CNN or Fox during this election campaign. Just to see how long it is before one of them says, what the fuck is going on with this shit? That's not all we meant at all, at all. I think the main question I have regarding the Elvis hologram Andy is though, which Elvis are they going to recreate? Because personally, I want to see fat Elvis. I would love to see bloated white jumpsuit Elvis sweating and wheezing his white across the stage.

But it also begs the question, where is this going to end? Clearly, it's just a matter of time before they could bring Michael Jackson back. That's just a fact. I guess they could also have Beethoven performing one of these piano sonatas and then maybe do some speeches. Jesus performing his sermon from the Mount. Lincoln delivering his Gettysburg address. You could go to a concert Andy and heckle Lincoln.

I'm sorry, Andy, but I'm not not going to take that opportunity if it arises. For score and seven years ago. You shit, Abraham! We've heard it! Do some new stuff! Because then they'd have to program the hologram Lincoln with put-downs. Who said that? I don't come down to where you work and knock the sly out of your hand. We don't use slyves now Lincoln!

We don't use it and we don't wear beards like that either! You look like a registered sex operator! Hey, hey, hey, hey, now look, I am man-supposed to slaves. Well, can you please emancipate a laugh from our melting good? Because you are not funny! LAUGHTER Or maybe they could combine the two andy speeches and music and have the deliverers of landmark speeches singing karaoke songs.

I would love to see the hologram of Winston Churchill singing Skater Boy by Avril Lavigne. Like, maybe have Jesus singing simply the best by Tina Turner. Have George Washington singing Do-Dip. You put your hand up on my hip. When I dip you dip we dip. What's... What the hell is that, John? What the earth is that? And then... And then have Pol Pot and Florence Nightingale do a duet of my endless love.

I'd also like to see Henry VIII brought back to life for the Queen's next jubilee. Preferably that's going to be next month. We just need to keep them coming. That is all we've got left in this country. I'd like Henry VIII to tap the Queen on the shoulder and say, call yourself a monarch. How many members of your family have you had killed? Oh, just the one, okay. Okay. Hahaha. But, baby Andy, maybe we should do some live bugles,

but only do them with hologram versions of ourselves. We'd have to do it a bit more cheaply, obviously. So we could just use some of the holograms that have already been created. So, you know, we could just put my head on two packs body and your head on Tina Turner's body. Oh yeah. Olympic opening ceremony feature now and details have been announced, John, over the most significant moments in British cultural history probably since the ancient Romans moved here and stopped us painting ourselves blue. It's going to be amazing, John. There's almost nothing to do with Britain that is not going to

be involved in this opening ceremony. The details come out that's what you're going to involve. 12 horses, 10 chickens, 70 sheep, a village cricket team, two mosh pits, and a massive harmonically tuned bell. Wow. And John, the interesting thing is, all of those things were found in a summer bin Laden's compound in a bottle pack. Now, what are one of the worries when we won the Olympic Pid was the opening ceremony, especially because at the last Olympics in Beijing, China delivered an opening ceremony with all the spectacle that only a country unshackled by human rights could present.

When you saw thousands of Chinese people lifting columns in perfect synchronicity performing flawlessly like their lives depended on it, you really thought, this is what you can achieve if you hit people with sticks. So it seems that Britain has opted to go a different way, because as you say there was an early announcement of the details of the opening scene of the opening ceremony and the director Danny Paul did indeed reveal. It will feature 70 sheep. Real sheep! Did you hear that, China? Real sheep! Sure, you had thousands of drummers making a noise that rivaled Thunder itself, but we are going to have a startled sheep shitting in a field. Because those sheep are going to shit Andy and it won't be their fault what they do. And to be fair to us, I don't think any Olympics opening ceremony in history has featured

a shitting sheep. So we are already breaking down barriers. Our player, Village Cricket as well and it's rubbish. The cast and crew, which will number 10,000, once volunteers are taken into account, have apparently one more weekend of rehearsals in Dagonham before moving into the stadium. There have already been 157 rehearsals so far. And I do hope, to hope, that one of those rehearsals involved,

what to do when a sheep freaks out and starts charging towards the Albanian swim team. LAUGHTER Danny Boyle, who is overseeing the whole opening ceremony, breaks out and starts charging towards the Albanian swim team. Danny Boyle, who is overseeing the whole opening ceremony, said that there would be British humour and that the country's history would be represented, but not in a box-ticking way, and that the show would reflect, and I quote, parts of our heritage, but looking forward as well. And I would love to be the first country, Andy, to acknowledge the atrocities they've

committed during their opening ceremony. And I would love to be the first country, Andy, to acknowledge the atrocities they've committed during their opening ceremony. I would love it if we recreated the Amrit Samasaka as British troops open fire on 15,000 unarmed Indian people as Tom Jones belts out what's new pussy. That one bring that house down. That's right, it's the good and the bad, John. Let's see both sides of that going. And now to continue our exclusive coverage as the official broadcaster of the Olympic Games. Can we say that, Chris?

Can we say that? If we don't say it, it's all right. Yeah. So, let's see, official broadcaster of the Olympics, here are some more great Olympic moments from 1988's in Seoul. Ben Johnson's failed WAS test. No Mr Johnson, you cannot pour a carton of orange juice into it. Well, I don't make the rules. Well, that noxincial meal at Crustock's Wheel of a Tested Positive for Being in Orange four years ago. Well, I don't care if little Mr. Gribler is feeling shy,

it's got to come out of him. LAUGHTER 1960, Rome. The moment that legendary barefoot Ethiopian distant runner, a baby bequiler, realized he'd forgotten his shoes. Oh, shit, I've forgotten my shoes! LAUGHTER Oh. And 1936. Early. And you should have a Vegas

impressions show. 1936 Berlin, Hitler having dinner in the Reichstag with his cabinet the night Jesse Owens won the 100 meters. So Adolf maybe we should go back to the drawing board. So you channeled your inn at a low, low there. And Andy is the man of a thousand and identical voice. I only need one to get them a role in the Smurf's, John. Don't argue with the petition. Your emails now and this one comes in from Nathan in carbon-dail Illinois. That sounds like a made up place, John. Dear John, Andy and Chris, I have recently had two instances

where my love for the bugle has made meeting women difficult. The first occurs. Yep. While I was walking my dog and listening to the bugle, as I bent to withdraw the deposit, my dog had just left on a lawn. The bits in Buegel 1993 a bit of someone bin Laden's last thoughts came on, and had me crying with laughter.

After retrieving the parcel without any disgusting mishaps, I look across the street to see Joana the mad sexy neighbour, watching me with a disgusted look on her face. I then realised all she had seen was a early 30 year old man laughing and controllably as he picked dogs yet up off the ground. Needless to say, it's been a little awkward since. Well, I don't know how the thought of women would go for that kind of thing. Yeah, that shows, you know, because they're maternal instinct, they're going to look for a, you know, potential mating partners, not afraid to get their hands dirty with bodily excretions. So she showed you're a modern man. The second happened last night. The body

of mine introduced me to his friend and we began chatting. The typical questions like, what do you do, what do you study, etc. The music in the bar was splaring and right as she told me that she was a theatre major, LMFAO's, I'm sexy and I know it, but again, I'm thinking through the speakers like audible nitrous oxide. But the rest of the song, I was giggling like Anderson Cooper during the ridiculous. I'm afraid that reference has passed me by. Can you fill us in, John? That's Stakes Island.

He's a giggler. He's a giggler, he does it at the end of his broadcast. And she had to look on her face like this asshole, thinks my degree is not only worthless, but hilarious. In neither situation did describing what the bugle was, helped my case. Thanks a lot guys. Well, I think the bugle has proved over the years

that it can shatter any new or old romantic relationship. And we put the shatter into shatter as well. Do keep your emails coming in to info at theBugle podcast.com. And don't forget, you can access our episodes on our SoundCloud page. SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen bugle. Yep. That's got to be the greatest web page on internet, isn't it? Yeah, it is. Yeah. Sport now and as we're recording, then I'm preparing for the second group match in Euro 2012.

We do the first game one or with France on Monday and you can get highlights of the commentary that I did for that game with Alan Cocker and on dbugalpodcast.com. And as we speak now, John Roy Hodgson England managers giving his final speech to the team. He's of course been prey for bringing a new tactical sophistication to England. Now tactical sophistication for anyone unfamiliar with football jargon in layman's terms means being unremittingly and grindingly negative. But we're facing Sweden this evening. We haven't beaten the Swedes in a significant encounter since knocking them out in the semi-finals of the 1066 European battle championships. When we beat them at the Battle of Stanford Bridge before going on, of course, to lose

to the Normans in the final at Hastings in front of a capacity crowd. When key player and captain King Harold got a bit over excited and tried to head of dangerous looking arrow away Miss Judd in the Wind and Cup to career ending our injury. Hodgson probably as we speak giving his final motivational bobs to the players. Now we know he loves philosophy and literature, John, but he's sensibly dropping into the level of his players and he's been reading in the very hungry caterpillar, which I think is all the England footballers can probably take on board. In the draw with France, was that big news in the States, John? I'd imagine there's huge screens all over New York showing...

Yeah, well, they were just pumping it straight through Times Square in front of non-American tourists. That would be one place it would actually make sense. England had a heroic one-all draw with France, one shot on target to France is 15, and I've been criticised by some for their negative approach. And it might be true, John, that when it comes to football, I guess we are to football what Freddie Krueger is to ballet. But at least, that's our Freddie Krueger, John, and I don't like ballet. So can England win this tournament? Well, to answer that, you have to answer a question, can a courgette beat a carrot in a most orange vegetable competition?

Probably not, but you just never know. The carrot might be one of those purple ones, you see, sometimes, or have gone all moldy. And the OBJIN could have been cooked in some pumpkin ketchup. We don't know yet. So that's not much left for this week's bigle, I'd like to inform you of some imminent gigs coming up. I'm at the in Tornton on Friday the 22nd of June and Lidhamson and on Wednesday the 27th. Oh, would you believe that? That's very nice.

I just keep forgetting to plug my gigs on this And it's the only form of advertising we allow. That's true. That's true. I'm doing Central Park on Wednesday and it's free. Oh, yeah. Well, that's probably a better deal than paying 10 quid to see me in the... In total, yeah, it is.

It is a much better deal. Is it just you? Is it just you standing in Central Park? Yeah, that's right. That's right. So I mean, I'm going to be in central park on Wednesday and it's free. That's all, but you glows. Until next time, good bye. Bye.

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