The Bugle - Bugle 199 – This is an ex-president!

Episode Date: June 22, 2012

Andy and John bring the latest from Egypt where democracy and the health of it's former leader are teetering on the edge. In other news, wealthy Brits are treating tax as a voluntary act of philanthropy, a Syrian has big brass balls and the US gets in knots over knitting Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello Bugleers and welcome to issue 1,099 of the Bugle for the week beginning Monday, 18th December 2034 with me and his ozman live from one's worth prison in the Chinese colony of London. And Tronningree from Manhattan Island, Giulianiville. It's the Formula United Nations Secretary General Joanna Oliver. Just kidding folks, it's Spugal 199, of course, the weekly Monday the 25th of June 2012, 199. Just one to go until the big one, with me and his ultimate liar from Olympics town and in New York City, it's Brigadier Showtime himself, John Oliver.

So Annie, I think you've lied about eight times before I've even said a word here. That is, that might be a record. Before we've even said hello, even before we've begun probably, you've already lied and astonishing amount of times. Well, that's, you know, I found that, that worked with my marriage.

Why not with this beauty? Ha, ha, ha. And I know there are concerns around the world that America has lost some of its spark. Well, after reading about something that happened last week, I'm really not so sure anymore. What is the most American thing that you can think of?

Maybe an American flag leather jumpsuit. Maybe George Washington having sex with an apple pie. Or is it this Andy? A class A South Atlantic baseball league recently held a home run derby on the deck of an aircraft carrier. That's right, Andy. They hit home runs of an aircraft carrier into the Charleston harbor. Is that American enough for you?

Hitting baseballs off a warship. How about if I add the fact that they hit those dingers from the deck of the warship while inside an inflatable batting cage? Why, why inflatable you asked? No reason, the very fact that you asked in fact shows that you will never fully understand. Surely, anyway, it couldn't get any more American than that, correct? Surely, it couldn't get any more American than home runs being hit off a warship from a pointlessly inflatable bat in cage. Right? Wrong! Because those balls were then scooped out of the water by volunteers on jet skis.

If you're an American and you're hearing these words for the first time, you're probably already in tears by now. But let's recap all that information from the top. Baseball players hit home runs from an unnecessarily inflatable batting cage from the top of an armored aircraft carrier, while volunteers chase their balls on jet skis. Those should technically be the new words to the American national anthem, Andy. Oh, say can you see the home run I just hid from the top of this ship that is filled with explosion from an inflatable cage out into the sea my it did fly, pasta bunch of jet skis. Oh, say is this the most American thing that has ever happened?

In the land of the free and the home of jet skis. I'm choked up. Number one. Number one. Well, they all dressed as Elvis while they did it. Oh, that was the one thing they missed. The one thing. All dressed up was fat Elvis's. The really American Elvis, the one close to

the complete self-destructed. The one who epitomised everything that nation is about. So this is bugle 199, 199 of course the words famously spoken at the 1938 Berlin Snooker Open when Adolf Hitler spotted his first red, then the then the monothebe given eight extra points for being fiora one nine nine And For the week beginning Monday the 25th of June mini It's exactly 200 years to the day since the 1812 Marshall nay inadvertently invented the game of charades whilst trying to warn Napoleon He was about to be bitten on the leg by an escaped locust

historic moments of charades whilst trying to warn Napoleon that he was about to be bitten on the leg by an escape locust. Historic moments. Top story this week, Hosni Health Update. Well, what a week it has been for the health of Hosni Mabarak, Andy. If you had money on whether or not he was going to be alive over the last week, then it was a real rollercoaster of emotion for you. Because first he was alive, then he was reported dead, then reported only nearly dead, then pronounced clinically dead, then pronounced alive again, and now no one seems to know exactly where he is. He's been like a yo-yoing Jesus, and he's with only slightly more expensive looking sunglasses. It's been a classic, uh, the South Africans would say, or Hotsu Hotsu Saga.

And well, you know, he's always split opinion like a cheap banana, John. And this week, as you said, the 29-time former Egyptian president of the year has had the world bickering over whether or not he is or isn't dead. Just as for so many years, he had the self-same planet squabbling over whether or not he was

or wasn't a goody or a baddy Is he dead? Isn't he dead? If so, how dead is he? Is he a reprobly dead? fleetingly dead, spiritually dead or merely facing just a little bit of a blip in his political career? Time, the persistent and insufferable smug shitbag that she is will tell Initial reports from his doctors were they'd had a heart attack, then that he'd had a stroke, then that he'd had a heart attack and a stroke, a report swirled that he had no pulse, that he'd been defibrillated. He was then brain dead, clinically dead, or to put it in Monty Python terms, he was

dead parrot dead. This dictator is no more, he has ceased to be, he's expired and gone to meet his maker, he's just stiff, he's kicked the bucket. He's shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and join the bleeding choir invisible. This is an extinct data. But then after the doctor's reports came statements from his lawyers saying that actually he was very much alive, classic lawyers at. Yeah, there's one. They're the ones that have made the money out of it, aren't they? Ha, ha, ha. I guess that is the fundamental ten of the legal profession.

You have to explore every argument, is he dead? You have to posit the other side, powerfully and strongly. So they said he was very much alive and in fact just wanted to be moved from prison to the military hospital that he'd been in before. So it just depended who you believe, the barracks doctors, or his lawyers. And then came the rumors.

You started wondering whether he had indeed died, but they were gonna try and keep him alive like a human puppet, or whether he hadn't died at all but had pulled off an Elvis. He'd faked his own death and was currently working in a Starbucks in Arizona. It's hard to know how to react, Andy. You know, I don't want him to be around to hear his own death and was currently working in a Starbucks in Arizona. It's hard to know how to react, Andy. You know, I don't want him to be around to hear his own f*** eulogy. That doesn't seem right. So I feel like we kind of got a hold of fire on this

one. Well, I mean, there was a lot of talk on the bugle, Twitter feed, people wondering whether there would be a f*** eulogy this week, which obviously, you know, didn't just come down to whether or not he was alive or dead, but whether or not he actually merited it. So let's not forget Johnny was a man. Good point good point. You know who he certainly had flaws but Tony Blair the self-appointed stepson of God described Mubarak as quote immensely courageous and a force for good and this was about the same time that there were thousands and thousands of people probably gypsed on the streets being slightly less complimentary towards the man. And Blair saying that, saying it was a

mentally courageous and a force for good, immediately, instinctively, as a citizen of the nation of Graham, Blair was prime minister of, and make you think that Mubarak was a born coward and probably a criminal. The Egyptian people, as I said, had a slightly less complimentary view of the big H. Maybe they didn't know him as well as Tony did. Maybe you got to see his softer side. And the Egyptian legal system also didn't agree with Blair if I can correctly read the subtext of his recent conviction for corruption and basically murder. And just shows a show, John. One man's crackpot dictator is another man's bull walk against regional chaos. And in fact, one man's crackpot dictator

is often the same man's bull walk against regional chaos that we just have to put up with being a crackpot dictator or we'll get regional chaos. And at the conflicting reports, I'm not helped by Mubarak's own Twitter feed at Hosni Mubu, in which he wrote, what happened, I'll just woke up in a skit with the remnants of a don of the battle over my trousers.

Hashtag, who stagnate was that anyway? And there's another one saying, Doc's saying I might be clinically dead, bummer. I am having a bad month, Hashtag, no win will done for me this year. Oh, very good. bad months. Hashtag no win will done for me this year. Oh, very good. Besides Andy, there now seems to be much more important things going on in Egypt's than the debatable beatings of Mabarak's debatable heart. Egypt's election, your debatable heart. Egypt's elections came and went. And they can't really find themselves

in a depressing democratic limpo. They voted once, Sandy. They voted twice. And then when it looked as though Muhammad Morsi and the Muslim Brotherhood were about to win, the army swooped in and basically told everyone to go fuck themselves. It's a tango as old as time.

The results of the runoff have been officially delayed now by the election authorities in Egypt. They had been due to be announced on Thursday, but the election commission said it needed more time to look into complaints presented by the candidates. The Muslim Brotherhoods, Mohamed Mercy and former Prime Minister Ahmed Chafik, both claimed that they won last weekend's vote.

Basically, they were like two boxes at the end of a fight. Both raising their arms in victory, both battered and bruised, with no one noticing that someone in a military uniform had just run off with the scorecard. So a year and a bit on from the revolution last year, the situation has not quite optimal democratically. The gloriously peaceful transition to a smoothly functioning demotion. Everyone hoped would happen. Has not quite happened yet, which is, you know, we're in Britain. We did that easily, John. I mean, admittedly it took us around about 700 years to do it, but we still did it in the Egyptians. Might have to just tuck in for the next seven centuries. But as you say, was this a military coup? The military taken by us at a military coup,

a coup light, a bit of harmless fun, or just a bit of nostalgia for a simpler coup, the military taken by, was it a military coup, a coup light, a bit of harmless fun, or just a bit of nostalgia for a simpler time, because it is a fact, John, that things were so much easier and easier when everyone knew where they stood socially, purely by how big and pointy a pyramid they were gonna be buried in. Maybe that's a lesson that we all need to take on board. After the second round of voting,

a group of election monitors headed up by ex-president Jimmy Carter voiced concerns about the political and constitutional context of the vote. President Carter said, I'm deeply troubled by the undemocratic turn that Egypt's transition has taken. Egypt has almost taken a democratic turn, Andy, as slammed on the democratic handbreak, dived out of the car and watched its election hurtle over the side of a cliff. And America itself is in a tricky spot at the moment because America loves democracy.

Andy they love democracy as much as they love hitting baseballs off aircraft carriers. And almost as much as they love chasing after those baseballs on jet skis, they love it so much that their own elections once every four, just aren't quite enough for them. They've got a wandering electoral eye, Andy, and they love meddling in other people's elections too. They've had an itchy metal finger for a while where Egypt's concerned. They covertly and explicitly supported Mabarak for three decades then, when the relationship started souring, fell in love with democracy again and got so excited at the scenes from Torea Square last year. But now it seems that the Egyptian people may have actually democratically reacted Mohamed Morsi and the Muslim Brotherhood who could form a regime more hostile to the

United States, their metal fingers seem to be throbbing a bit again, Andy. You can sense them just salivating, oh, I shouldn't, but the fact I shouldn't makes me want to even more. But it has been an amazing time for democracy in Egypt. They apparently have voted 25 times in the past 15 months using an extremely complicated parliamentary system. John, that is too much democracy. I mean, here in Britain and, I know this is similar in America, we smuggled struggle, we struggled to muster the arsonist

to vote once every four or five years. It is, it has been doing it almost fortnightly, although in the process it had accidentally managed to elect Tutankham and back into office for an afternoon in which time the long dead boy king ruled that Bastet, the ancient cat goddess, was the hottest of all the goddesses. And turn out in the second round of the presidential election was down to 50%

with the winning candidate getting just a whisker over 50% of that. Now does that sound at all familiar with an American presidential election coming up? Welcome to our world, Egypt. Welcome to our world, it's the classic pattern. Fight and die for democracy, then get rapidly, industrially disillusioned by it. But looking at the situation now, this runoff between an Islamist

and a relic of the Mubarak era, is this what the protesters wanted 15 months ago? I guess it only goes to Shoghon. The democracy is like a puppy. It looks all sweet and fluffy when you're looking at it in the shot window, but one day it will crap all over your carpets, whiddle in your favourite slippers before proving disappointingly simplistic in conversation, increasingly attention-seeking and expensive, and then eventually it will die.

it will die. Hmm. TAKES NEWS NOW! TAKES ANDY! Can't live with it. Can't go to schools hospitals or drive-on roads without it. For lots of wealthy businessmen over the years, TAKES has always been about the throw of the chase. KETICALLY leading the inland revenue on, playing a increasingly hard to get, then blue-boring them every fiscal year. Accountants for some of the richest people in the world have traditionally become like

fiscal escapologists, able to contort their way around laws, and squeeze their way through loopholes barely visible to the human eye, that they file tax returns which look like they have to be illegal at first, second and forty eighth glance, but somehow turn out to be inexplicably allowable. And this of course all came to the head this week in England and they did it not. It did. In fact, Jimmy Carr are comedic contemporaries from the late 90s open mic circuit. In fact, I'm recording near Tottenham Court Road tube station literally yards from where I first met Jimmy Card doing a gig at Cool Eddies comedy club.

You remember that? A gig, a gig gig. I'm Drita Chinese Restaurant, was it? That's right, yeah. And his career has been a raging success commercially, almost from day one. But he's been, was revealed by the Times newspaper to be using one of the many widely used taxa version schemes.

This one was called K2. And I think the K2 scheme involves climbing the notoriously treacherous second highest mountain in the world, then leaving your bank card at the top and pretending you have no money at all. I think that's right. There you go. It's a little joke for all your fans of mountains

over 8,500 meters high. Now you can all ever rest. It's all, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no story about through Times newspaper, catchin' Jim Carr. Catchin' John Garth, that's one of those four. I mean, I thought that was technically quite well crafted. Yeah, it's great. Yeah. It's just the same that no one really knows about that amount, it doesn't get a lot of publicity.

I have to confess that in a company that was once closely related to the bugle, in their lift, they have a TV screen and the image, the only images that you ever get are pictures of the highest peaks in the world. But it starts at Blanc upwards. So I actually was for once. I understood you, Andy. I guess your attitude to puns Andy is the same as so many mountaineers. As you choose the greatest mountains on earth. Why do you do punks, Andy? Because they're there. Okay, so that's your only rationale. I don't mind if there is a 38% chance of death. I'm going to take it on.

But whatever the K2 scheme involves and basically seems to involve sucking yourself, then loaning yourself loads of money on the slow understanding with yourself that you don't have to pay it back. But anyway, Prime Minister David Cameron heroically stepped into the breach and slammed Jimmy for this, calling the scheme very dodgy, and he thus became the first comedian for a considerable while to be heckled by a sitting Prime Minister. And when David Cameron slams you for having dubious tax affairs, well, you know bloody well that he knows bloody well exactly what he's talking about. Because he is the leader of the fucking Conservative Party. And on his government, the inbound revenue basically let off a vote of phone from a multi-billion quid tax bill allegedly. The Tycoon Philip Green boss

of the adequate quality clothing giant Top shop and was appointed a government adviser despite being a man who is to paying tax what Mary Antoineette is to hack modelling these days. Lord Ashcroff, former Tory party deputy chairman and treasurer, well he's been in less than entirely patriotic in his tax affairs and the list of wealthy taxaverse with links to the Tories goes on and on and includes according to some reports this week, David Cameron's own late father. So when David Cameron tells you that your tax arrangements are very dodgy, perhaps he means it as a compliment and an incentive.

So when you do go that extra step further and upgrade them from very dodgy to fucking dodgy, then you are in line for a knighthood. Ha ha ha. Now, in full disclosure, Jimmy Carr is a lovely man, Andy. I like him very much and I'm also simultaneously nodding the least bit surprised to see that he was involved in something like this.

Now, he has not broken the law. What he did was depressingly fine. But as you mentioned, there has been a media tornado afterwards that the Prime Minister tried to jump on top of and ride all the way to public approval. As you said, he criticized Jimmy calling his tax arrangements morally wrong, which is a little rich coming from someone who oversees the morally wrong tax laws that make what he did morally possible.

That's like the owner of a bakery that sells only shit pies, saying it's absolutely disgusting when someone chooses to eat one. I mean, sure, you're right. Technically, it is disgusting. But if you check your receipts draw, you may find that you have something to do with that. But all those to show, that tax, basically in this country, has become the marginally less popular

of the two renowned inevitabilities of life, narrowly behind its friend, rival, and colleague, death. As you say, the wealthy have always had a well-hung nose with side-stepping tax. And it does make you think that they probably have a pretty good shot at evading death as well. It would not come as a surprise if somewhere on the Cayman islands, there are a colony of 250-year-old death exiles

sitting on a veranda, sipping a mint julep, and stroking their pet lies on the head. And again, a great and a good are just not setting an example, John. The Queen's own mother. What was she called again? The Queen mother? You, Queen mother. The Queen's new tip. Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah.

She was quite openly living in death exile for years of this country, but she could get away with it because of who she was and who she knew, typical, John. Absolutely typical. Uh, Jimmy Cara said he may or quote a terrible error of judgment of using this tax avoidance scheme well you know that depends on the case financially he made a tremendous judgment he played the system and he won

at morally he made a personal judgment that is a gray area the only black and white issue here is that as a comedian he made a spectacular hypocritical judgements because early this year on the uh... tv show in england tenor clot live he did a sketch pokingritical judgment. Because earlier this year on the TV show in England, Tenaclot Live, he did a sketch, poking fun at Barclays, paying a 1% tax rate in a sketch that referred to aggressive and amoral blood-hungry tax lawyers.

That is just the one thing that you don't get to do, Andy. It seems that he can shaderly avoid all the tax that he is legally inexplicably allowed to. That's fine What he can't do is do that and tell that joke as well So he can either avoid all that tax or tell that joke Making that one fucking expensive joke. I'm seeing the joke Andy, but I can only presume that it was incredibly funny Well, yeah, man for three million quid a year or That's a pretty amazing fun. That's a great joke.

Chancellor George Osborne recently claimed that he was left shocked after finding out the extent to which multi millionaires are exploiting tax loop polls. Yes, I'll show you this. And vowed to take quotes action. What the f***? You're the f***ing chance of the ex-jekker.

You shouldn't be shocked by that. That is like a heart surgeon being shocked by how much blood splurts every only hacks or someone open. The problem is our tax systems have more loop holes in them than the above-wire fetishes swirly jumper. So once you're beyond a certain level of income and with a tax law who not only knows his onions, but also knows how not to have to pay for those onions

and how to make sure other people therefore have to pay proportionately more for lower quality onions, then tax essentially becomes a voluntary act of philanthropy. And wealthy basicie living is jacuzzi of amorality. And it just proves that the law is an ass, John. It is an ass. And what an ass is not very good at. They're not very good at running fast enough

to catch someone driving a Lamborghini. But what we are left with is an ass standing on the side of the road, trying to hitchhike or ride from someone in a Lamborghini without thumbs. It's no wonder it doesn't work, John. It's no wonder it doesn't work. And it is certainly a problem. That's a famous people, or not as importantly

from a media traction angle, not famous people, shirk their taxes. Then in effect, a bin man ends up subsidising a millionaire's yachting habit, and a nurse ends up in effect, helping keep a tycoon's love child's secret. This is not as much of a problem as it might be, because we are a very generous nation

when it comes to giving to charity, which makes up the tax shortfall. Take the help for heroes charity, a charity for injured ex-service personnel. Now there wouldn't need to be a help for heroes if the government spent more money helping heroes or at least, splashing out onto that functioning military equipment. So they wouldn't have to be quite so f***ing heroic in the first place. And if there is a solution to this, John, it comes in shame. Because if there is one thing, a British person hates and fears more than anything else, it is an awkward social situation. Now if a hypothetical Lord Cox storm shelters 500 million pounds here in a tax haven on

a rubber dingy somewhere in the mid-Atlantic or wherever, then he should be forced to turn up to the funeral of a soldier who has died because the Ministry of Defence could only afford to give him a plastic Star War helmet instead of a real helmet. And he should have to say, I'm very sorry at least let me pay for the sandwiches. And if you can do that and live with it, then frankly, good luck to you. You have earned your free bonus millions. Light and news now, Syria updates. And in an act of impressive bravery, a Syrian fighter pilot defected this week

after landing his plane as a military airbase in the north of Jordan and asking for asylum. It is a pretty spectacular way to defect, Andy. Let's remember Rudolph Nureff slipped away by evading KGB agents at an airport. That was impressive at the time, but this guy has really raised the bar. Now, if you turn up to a country in anything less than a fully operational MiG-21 fighter jet, it's just going to look like you don't really want to be there.

Syria has condemned the pilot as a traitor and this really is fantastic and has asked the Jordanian government for the return of its plane. Those, listen, those are some balls and those are some big, low some balls. I'll be sure this plane doesn't have some baseball dents in it. The rest of the news in Syria is absolutely brutal. I mean it's hard to even know how to begin to address this. I'm going to have to interrupt you there, John, because Syria does not matter anymore. Because England are the greatest football team in the world again. Yes, sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport and sport I'm ready, good. Come on, England. After a quite glorious, with the odds victory over the mighty footballing mega gods of Ukraine,

one goal to nail. Now, I mean, this has got a bit. This is a beacon of hope for citizens and the oppressed all around the world, John. I mean, you do not beat the 52nd ranked national team in the fucking universe with a single, lucky goal and some crackpot officiating. Without being heroes for all humanity, John.

Three lions, Andy. 11 lions. There were 11 lions on the pitch and there were 8 lions and something to do to the bench. There were a lot of lions, that's what I'm saying. Lions do traditionally have a bit of a heavy first touch and find a passing game. No, touristy, typical. But they put the yards a heavy first touch and find a passing game. No, touristy. But they put the yards in, John. They put the yards in.

They care. Look, I mean, sport has come through again, Andy. When the world yings, sport, yangs, whenever light, life gets too painful, let sport be the emotional anesthetic to numb you to your very bones. You're at 2012, for those that are unaware, is taking flags at the moment, and England are still in it. Despite playing a style of football, which is not easy on any of the five human senses,

but who cares about that Andy? It's our sport, we invented it, and we'll ruin it if we want to. Well, the press reaction here has been gently hysterical, I would say, they've actually come to the conclusion after these three group games in which England have done a bit better than expected. They England are basically now doing right. Everything they've previously always done wrong.

And this will remain true at least until they lose on Sunday to Italy when it'll turn out that they've actually been doing the same things wrong all along. Or if they sneak past Italy, maybe on penalties or with another fluky goal, they'll have been doing what they should have been doing all through history, a combination of caution, discipline, opportunism, and bare-balled luck that has seen us through heroically to the quarter-finals. The tournament has not been without some controversy. The Ukrainian Prime Minister, Mikhail Azarov, has walked into trouble over a bet he made

with a Sweden fan. He had bet this Swedish fan a beer that Ukraine will beat Sweden in their opening match and when they did, he invited the Swedes to have a beer with him at the government offices in Kiev. A widely distributed photograph showed the apparently usually dour Prime Minister smiling broadly with a football scarf around his neck raising a point of beer with his Swedish guest. That sounds like a nice gesture, doesn't it, Andy, the leader of a country reaching out to a guest in his country and offering hospitality not honestly singing, two, one, two, one, you're not singing anymore,

you're shit and you know you are. Cheers, cheers by the way. It's a heartwarming story. Until you find out that Ukrainian politics is exactly as pretty as politics anywhere else in the world. In fact, even more so, because one opposition presidential candidate,

Victor Yushenko, actually got poisoned less than 10 years ago. But the opposition partner in Ukraine jumped into action, criticizing the Prime Minister for drinking alcohol, which is apparently strictly forbidden on official premises. They said it is shameful and inadmissible when the leaders of the country contradict the law and the principles of defending morality by beginning to publicize consumption of strong drinks during work hours and on state premises. Twitch, I guess the outsider looking in really has to say, you f**king poison someone. You've poisoned someone. Let the man have a stop poisoning people, then get to the drinking on public on government premises. Maybe that's all the poisoning was all about. It should

merely raising awareness of the dangers of putting toxic substances into your body or merely accelerating that process by putting in a fatal dose. Well, that is responsible politics, John. UEFA has been criticised for various finds it's given out, it's found various countries, football associations, with a reason of sort of £60,000 I think for their fans indulging in racist chanting of coins and appalling dimensions. And yet, it fined the Danish centre-forward Nicholas

Bentner £100,000 for wearing some sponsored underpants. And it does, I mean, clearly, Bentner is a tool. I mean, let's not, let's not, oh, let's not beat about the bushy. Yeah, that's, but he's a power tool, Andy. He's a powerful power tool. For the argument is not about whether finding him £100,000 or not is right or wrong. It's these fines for racing being so much less than that. You wafered the market decide, Andy. You wafered the market decide.

You wafer in mitigation, did it to a statement, condemning Adolf Hitler as quotes, a naughty man who had a tendency towards impoliteness. So you can see where they're coming from. The Germany grease match, tonight's as we record, been overshadowed by the financial niggle between the nations over the Bay Laut Deal. And I just hope John that the football come through, it doesn't spill over into ugly scenes where George Oskaragunis of Greece and Messer Ozil of Germany have a stand-up

brow in the center circle about the fiscal dangers of punitive bailout sanctions. That's a quick injury update. So head of England's big clash with Italy on Sunday, which you can hear me commentating on on absolute 90s radio and their website as well and they'll be a highlights package. It's not it's not available outside Britain, I think, as a streamers, it Chris. Not legally live, no, but there will be a highlights package that they're in the download after I'm doing with Russell Howard. This will be out. Yeah, it should be out.

Selfish football, although, won't it be fair? He's got skills. Well, yes, but beyond selfish. And beyond selfish because, you know, if you have to deliver, the premium is on delivering, if you're going to keep the ball that much. And I just think that glitter doesn't do that. So I do tune in on Sunday, it's a 745 UK time,

if you can, can I play Russell this clip? If you're nothing, I've not said to you, baby. The flatters to deceive Chris. Okay. Injury news, England's Andy Carroll, luckily is fit for the rest of the tournament, despite being trapped for two minutes under a hotel carpet. He said, I thought I heard a guinea pig calling for help,

but it was in fact manager Roy Hodson listening to Mariah Carey on his headphones. Goldkeeper Joe Hart also said to be fit despite grazing an earlobe, trying to hear what concrete sounds like. And Stephen Gerard is fit, despite pranging a car, filming the chase scene for

Gold Slayer, the forthcoming Hollywood biopic of the former one-cap England striker Michael Ricketts. Ha ha ha ha! Big lad. Ha ha ha! Also, Bad News, England's brilliant striker, Steve Blumer, is out of the euros after dying in 1938 at the age of 64.

And his chosen replacement, Dixie Dean, has also been ruled out dead. Meanwhile, who's Italy's key man, John? Well, it'll have to be the midfield Maestro Andrea Pillo. He's represented his nation, of course, at every age group level from the under-three's up to the under-100's, which we're seeing in play in these days. Amongst Pillo's many hobbies, he likes to guess how old trees are and owns a portable tree x-ray to check after he's made his guess. As a baby, he was bitten by the early 1980s Italian midfielder,

Giancarlo Antonioni. And from this, Perlowe got his amazing passing powers. He's a shy man, so a so shy in fact, that if anyone draws a face on a football and training, he cannot bring himself to kick it. But he's also a scientific experimenter and wants tried to make his cat with his neighbor's dog to see if he could bring himself to kick it. But he's also a scientific experimenter and wants to try to make his cat with his neighbour's dog to see if he could create the perfect hybrid pet.

He ended up with a guinea pig and a court case, and he also once had an argument with his neighbour about the trimming rights of a hedge that was resolved with the best of 101 game of scissors paper stone. So he's the manninger who needs to keep their eye on John. He can pick a pass. So we all like about Andrea Pillo. He can pick a pass. So you're like about Andrea Pillo. It can pick a pass. [♪ BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING,INGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING,INGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, Anthony, because if you f*** with the Olympics, Andy, they will f*** with you right back. In fact, those five glorious Olympic ring stand for do not f*** with us. The US Olympic Committee this week

sent out a cease and desist letter to a knitting based social network for hosting a knitting Olympics. Remember what those rings also stand for Andy? We ain't about fucking knitting. Now, the incredibly popular knitting social network Ravelry hosted a Ravel Olympics, a knitting competition for users that included events like an Afghan marathon

and a scarf and scarf hockey. The knitters were supposed to basically compete in each event whilst watching the actual games on TV. So you can see while they post a clear present-threat handy to everything that the Olympic stands for. Here is a quote from the actual cease and desist letter, and if you are operating heavy machinery or mending a tile on a roof, I must warn you, this gets very funny, very fast. This is how it begins. The athletes of Team USA have usually

spent the better part of their entire lives training for the opportunity to compete at the Olympic Games and represent their country in a sport that means everything to them. For many, the Olympics represent the pinnacle of their sporting career. Over more than a century, the Olympic Games have brought athletes

around the world together to compete at the Olympic Games and represent their country in a sport that means everything to them. So far so good, Andy. But here we go. We believe that using the name Raven Olympics for a competition that involves an Afghan marathon, scarf hockey,

and sweater triathlon, among others, tends to denigrate the true nature of the Olympic Games. In a sense, it is disrespectful to our country's finest athletes and fails to recognize or appreciate their hard work. But here's the thing that you also need to know Andy. You don't fuck with the Olympics, sure. We all know that, but you definitely don't fuck with knitters.

Ha ha ha. Knitters don't mess around, Andy. And if you ever step up to them, you would better have a pair of high-end needles in your hand, and you better have come ready to knit. Because they also have five knitted Olympic rings in five different coloured walls. And those rings stand for knitters,

don't play that shit. Because apparently these knitters were extremely offended by the tone of the letter, and they mobilized members of the knitting network left a huge amount of messages on the US Olympic Steams Facebook page, nearly melted down Twitter and bombarded them with a deluge of emails.

They went in so hard that, you are not going to believe this. The USOC backed down in a statement posted recently on their website. As Spugsman said, and again, if you're using a power saw or flying a light aircraft at the moment, you may want to be careful because this statement could cause you to buddy holly yourself into a mountain. The statement said, thanks to all of you who have posted, tweeted emails and calls regarding the letter sent to the organisers of the Rival Olympics. Like you, we're extremely passionate about what we do.

The letter sent to the organisers was a standard form, cease and desist letter that explained why we need to protect our trademarks in legal terms. Rest assured, as an organisation that has many passionate knitters, we were never intent to make this a personal attack on the knitting community or to suggest that knitters are not supportive of Team USA. We apologise for any insult and appreciate your support. Holy shit, Andy! The IOC wouldn't back down to India over the bow-pull disaster which killed thousands of people. And the USOC just caved to a bunch of knitters. So the American dream, John. That is wise a nation.

You can hit baseballs from an inflatable batting cage. That's right. Off an outcry area into a crowd full of jet skiers. Hahaha. Bugal feature news now and fossil humping! Hahaha. Scientists in Germany have caught a pair of 50 million year old hard-attached, John! Hard, mid-hump, at it! Caught 50 million years ago, John, as one turtle said to a turtle, let's... All right, Shelley, you look lovely. One of doing a volcanic lake.

Oh, yeah. And they, they were killed by volcanic gases as they sank in the water as mating turtles have an erotic tendency to do. And I guess John in a way, this is the ultimate form of exhibitionism. These turtles have decided to do it where they're going to get fossilized. This is unvealed by people 50 million years from now. David Kronenberg is going to make a film about these turtles, John,

that dirty besteds. Dirty, dirty besteds. It's scientists in Germany, as you say, have unearthed the first ever fossilized instance of copulating animals with backbones. To put that in layman's terms, what they essentially found was the fossilized remains of two turtles banging. And as you say, these turtles sank 50 million years ago to deep layers of a lake where they perished you to deadly volcanic gases or other toxins in the lakes lower layers.

Mmm, deadly volcanic gases and other toxins. Oh yeah! Let's call this one it is Andy Fossil porn. Let's not pretend that that announcement wasn't made by German archaeologists with huge bonus. The turtles were preserved in a turtle style sexual position and the female turtle is 20% bigger than the male who is thought by scientists to have been into big shells. And the male turtle... Ah, like big shells on a can on lie!

The male turtle's been credited with having maintained the world's longest ever continual staunchy pole. And here's now been offered work in the animal pornography industry for wildlife programming as they're rather euphemistically known. Your emails now and this one comes in on the subject disastrous consequences of the Elvis hologram from Marco Begavitch in Cleveland, Ohio. Dear John Andy and Chris, the Elvis hologram walks an impressive, impressive technological feat, brings with it some potentially serious consequences. It could drive Elvis impersonators out of business. Per one estimate, Elvis impersonators number 200,000. It's our fragile economy ready to take the hit of that many people suddenly

out of work. Also keep in mind, many of these are fat Elvis impersonators who must have an expensive weight related healthcare cost. If that wasn't scary enough, they remind you that Elvish knew karate. How many of these Elvish impersonators know karate? And what would they do if they were suddenly deprived of an ability to earn a living? We may have to deal with roving gangs of violently vindictive Elvish impersonators. Please help stop the hologram. It's a very dangerous thing for the world. We have another great email here from John Drummond called bugle198 causing another social

faux pas. He says, to Andy Chris and John in order of the level of blame for the following embarrassing incidents, you guys get a lot of emails detailing how laughing at your podcasts in public at inappropriate times have caused very awkward moments for the listener involved. Well, here's another for the pile. Just a day I was on the bus on my way home from work, looking very business-like in my suit while reading the paper and listening to my iPod. Said iPod was playing Bugle 198. When Andy Lyckon to your own economic policies to someone slamming a series of George Fulham

and grills onto his nads, I began laughing hysterically. My new paper was opened to the sports section at the time, which under normal circumstances would have raised no attention at all. Unfortunately, as proclaimed by the full page headline easily visible to my fellow riders, I was at this very moment reading the latest testimony in the Jerry Sandoski child sex abuse trial. Oh dear. Needless to say, there is little humor in a college football coach abusing his power and influence to indulge in serial pedophilia. I took a quick glance around to see if I caught anyone's attention. The bus was full, so that was a distinct possibility.

Especially from the two people sitting directly behind me. Now I didn't turn around and say it's not what you think, that would only have made it worse. Thank God I was within a few stops of getting off. Hopefully none of these people will ever see me again. And if they do, they'll just think, there's that freak you think sodomizing kids is funny.

Thanks a lot, boys. Yours is John Drummond. Listen, Andy, it was a great joke. You got nothing to be scared of. And remember, Bugle, if you are going to Bugle, please. Bugle safely. Bugle safe.

Bugle safe. Do keep your emails coming into info at thebugelpodcast.com and don't forget to check out our SoundCloud page. SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen bugle. And well we've got a couple of weeks off coming off. Coming up before the historic moment of bugle issue 200. I know nearly 200, nearly the double century. That's right, so we will be putting out supplementary bugles in those two weeks, containing we're not entirely sure yet, depending on whether or not we can get access to some, somewhat better catalog.

But with bugle issue 200, some very exciting developments for the bugle, hopefully, we will have the launch of bugle merchandise. Yes, very exciting. Very exciting. Well, hopefully. We will have the launch of bugle merchandise. Yes, very exciting. Oh, well, after we could have done it. And, well, that's the kind of business acumen, Andy, that we've become famous for over the years. We're a machine, John.

We're a commercial machine. And look. Singularly filing to capitalise on anything. And says, Mr. Sequel to the Smurfs. And we'll also be launching a new sort of voluntary subscription scheme where you can help contribute to the ongoing life of the bugle. That will come up in three weeks time on bugle 200, which will be unquestionably possibly the show is event of the millennium.

It's going to be so much. It's going to be absolutely massive. In the meantime, you can listen to my football commentary on Sunday. with the show is a vent of the millennium. It's gonna be so much. It's gonna be absolutely massive. In the meantime, you can listen to my football commentary on Sunday. I'm gonna pluck some gigs, John. Are you gonna come to any? It was in America. Possibly and possibly not.

Wednesday and live on the hands, the 27th of July. No, yes, I'll be of that one. I'll be of that one. Also, Durham Gala on the 30th, in the next. I'm not on the 1st of July, and the dubious Embery rooms on the 7th. Oh dear. Come on, be a glist.

I've got kids to feed, and then Stockton and Salford on the weekend of 14th and 15th of July. Roll up for the show of the century and political animal on the 28th of June, this Thursday with me, Al Murray, Richard Herring, Josie Long, and the magnificent Simon Manorias, Alan Parker, Urban Warrior. That's a good bill. That's a good bill. That's a good bill. Possibly, shit. Possibly clashing with England's Euro-Semi-Final against Germany. We'll just have to wait and see.

Thank you, Buiglers. Goodbye. We'll see you in the next century of Buigles. Bye-bye. Bye! you