The Bugle - Bugle 202 – Sport!

Episode Date: July 27, 2012

It's London! It's 2012! That means one thing – SPORT! Oh, and more on the Romneyshambles and North Korea Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. This is a podcast from TheBuglePodcast.com. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Bugleers! On your marks. Zeeet. Bugle! Bugle, false starts. You went too early, one guy listening in Michigan whilst fixing a broken bagel machine. Started laughing too early. He's disqualified.

Turn off your gram of phone and come back next week sunshine. On your marks. Set. Bugle, yes, it's Bugle 200 and two. I am Andy's ultimate in just 64 years. After London last hosted an Olympic Games, it's about to do something that it hasn't done for more than 60 years.

Host an Olympic Games, but not just any Olympics, but the London Olympics of the year, and 1948 plus 64, 1,912. Oh no, that's not quite right, is it? 2012, London, I might have to say that, still Chris, you're the lawyer on this team mate.

That is happening. Right, that's a verifiable historical fact. That is a verifiable historical fact, yes. I'm right here reporting exclusively for the bugle from London on what promises to be. The biggest event this city has seen since the plague. And then I guess that was more of a commutative and everyone got involved. Foster the real public spirit. Wasn't taken over by the corporations.

And have GlaxoSmith plot and peddling their bubonics range of hyper-allergenic play remedies. Just real people, dying real deaths. And joining me from somewhere else in the world, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa fellow Britons enjoying themselves, it's John Oliver. Hello Andy, hello Buglers, Andy, well before we get going, to help promote the current series of my stand-up show, currently airing on Friday to the 11 o'clock and comedy central, I joined Twitter last week and never has, joining the future, felt like such a defeat. Actually, it's not even joining the future, is it? It's merely joining the present, but I was very wary of the whole shaboggle.

Now, if you wish to follow along with my extremely occasional updates, my address is at I am John Oliver. Now, I was trying to work out why I was so hesitant to engage with Twitter and the one reason was provided for me almost instantaneously when literally minutes after sending my first tweet, I mean, literally a handful of minutes. I got a message saying, your terrible go-eater bag of dicks. That's democracy, John.

That is democracy. You know, that is exactly the warm welcome that I was expecting, to be honest. It's quite nice to get out of the way so soon. I felt baptized in bile, but it was the speed of it that most impressed me. It was like the person involved had been waiting for six years since Twitter began, sitting up at their keyboard, fighting sleep, thinking he's going to join Twitter. I mean, he's just, he's going to.

And when he does, I'll be there. I'll be there with my bag of Dix comment. Swift does the wind. Why don't you try and get a couple of hours rest, darling? I'll watch the computer screen for you. No, it's too big a risk. This is personal. After that, Andy, I am truly sorry

that it took me so long to join. I just feel sorry for the false excitement that individual must have felt a few years ago when I thought I joined only to realise they just sent a message saying go eat a bag of dicks to Jamie Oliver instead. Something I'm sure he considered if the bag of dicks in question was nutritionally rich and well-seasoned. So also a very good way to get right up to the minute death threats as well. That's nice. That's nice. A couple of full list of things.

I haven't checked it recently, but I've got some of those to catch up on. Just look up the world's leading travel spots and make a little off-hand joke about them. And within seconds people will be telling you that you deserve to die or to crawl back up your mother's caboodle. So I can't understand why I've found it over these years so repellent, Andy. It's clearly wonderful. That's what I had to want to be in the was made one little cricket related quiff about Cashmere. And that only just... I've only just small amount of Twitter help. Thanks to you too, I'll get told to f*** myself every day on Twitter.

Yeah, I see. I'm really thankful. I know, welcome to the pain. I never think through the consequences of that, Chris. I just think it's funny. So, this is Spugal 200s and 2 and what an unbelievably historic limping number that is, 200 and 2, of, the number of seconds,

200 and who taken by Sigismund Freyer and his horsey ultimus in the team show jumping exactly 100 years ago in 1912, a performance that secured bronze for Germany. Now of course Germany didn't take missing out on gold and silver too well within two and a bit years, they've sparked industrialized slaughter across the whole of Europe in the war two. End all wars if by end you mean put on a backburner for 21 years before thinking you know what I reckon I can top that. Both Freya and Ultima tragically dead now we assume 202 of course as you don't need me to tell you the time recorded by New Zealandette Marie's Chamberlain in claiming her unforgettable bronze medal

in the women's 800 metres behind Ann Packer in the 1964 games in Tokyo, 202 centimetres of course. The heights that the Ukrainian Vita Stjopina hauled her patute over in the ladies' high jump in Athens eight years ago to take bronze and spark wild scenes in the streets of a birthplace of Zapparosia, with people willy-nilly jumping backwards over stuff and falling onto mattresses. And 202 centimeters, of course, also two-thirds of the distance left by legendary Frenchman Emil Torsbuff in the 1900s standing long jump event to take a brilliant bronze medal. His leap of three meters and three sending American Lewis Shelton scuttling back to the states in floods of tears after missing out on a medal by one centimeter. Of course, the US did not take

this defeat. Lying down in the standing long jump within 70 years, they jumped 38 million meters and put a man on the moon. And not just any man, a man dressed as an astronaut. So, 202, 202, bronzes all the way, which means that this bugle, 202 will be probably the third best podcast you'll listen to today. Buzzer Buzzer Buzzer Buzzer Buzzer Buzzer Buzzer Top story this week! Yes! Yes Andy, what else?

The Olympics! They're here! They're finally here! The eyes of the world are upon London Andy! If you look up at London's majestic clock big Ben, you can see that it's two hands read sport a clock. BONG! Cycling! BONG! Wrestling!

BONG! Gymnastics! BONG! Hockey! BONG! That weird speed walking thing that sometimes happens. Can't remember if it's happening this time. BONG!

The creepy synchronized swimming thing that gives you nightmares. BONG! Host dancing! BONG! BONG! The creepy synchronized swimming thing that gives you nightmares. BONG! HOST ANSING! BONG! SPONG! And that is, of course, Andy. One of John Williams' amazing Olympic fanfares, otherwise known as some of the greatest pieces of music ever written. I really think his fanfares should be available as an alarm clock Andy, because that is a triumphant way to wake up. Even Olympic fanfare is playing. You're just instinctively going to leap out of your bed and powerfully march around the room,

waving to an imagined crowd of thousands and congratulating yourself on winning the gold medal for not hitting the snooze button. Well while attempting to stifle your morning boner Yeah, I'm telling you Andy I'm telling you Olympic fanfic locks are the greatest idea that no one has ever had Morning boner of course when I bronze medal for Kenya in the 3000 meters deep We'll show you in 1984 Great runner. But the point is, here we go, Andy. As we record, the Olympics opening ceremony

has not yet taken place, but I'm sure they're in deep preparation. Dany Boyle giving an inspirational pep talk to the live sheep who are gonna be involved. Listen, gather around sheep. This is a huge day for Britain and it's a huge day for sheep. You're in the shop window tonight without having to hang from a meat hook. I want you to get out there and be the best sheep you can be this evening. Only

two rules. One, have fun out there and two, no shitting. If you can only remember one of those rules, try to remember the second one, okay? Actually it looks like Simon here's forgotten it already someone get a shovel okay team hoves in Baaah on three one two three Baaah let's get out there I'm fucking doing this Disappointed you managed to do that whilst avoiding the obvious pun a huge day for you whilst avoiding the obvious pun a huge day for you. You. This is it. It's just, I can instinctively avoid those things, Andy,

because I'm repelled by them. Well, this morning, Bright's Dawn across the whole of the world, a dawn that can be only described as morning on the first day of the Olympics. It was greeted with two wonderful events, John. Firstly, me receiving a new tele, I reckon those cathode ray jobs have had their day, time will tell, and mass bell ringing around the country to celebrate the start of the Olympics. And of course, mass bell ringing across Britain is usually assigned either that the Germans have invaded or that there's a really big wedding on. And in this case, it's both as the Deutsche National Athletic,

one Sporting, Gjungen, Gaffinkel, Kartoffelschaft, or Team Germany, prepares to try to haul in more gold than it has for the last 70 years, hopefully by rather more morally upright means this time. But it's also bells to mark... Terrible what they did, Andy. Terrible what they did. We're moving on. It's also to mark a wedding. And this is a wedding of Britain

renewing its vows with itself. And more importantly, with sport, sports, do you Britain take sport to be your lawfully wedded sport? We do. We definitely do. There has been an amazing outpouring of civic pride, John, probably the luck of which, I'm not sure we've ever seen in our lifetime,

not since, probably not since England beat Australia in a one off test at the Oval in 1993. But it's been a massive outpouring of civic pride and it's an inevitable handmaiden has been alongside it, civic amnesia about all our other social problems. But Brenners come together to forget its quibbles, its default grumble setting and indulge in its timeless national hobby of watching people carry a small bit of fire quite slowly. Now I went yesterday, have you seen the torch relay? I went and hacked me last Saturday. Yeah, it was amazing. Yeah, it was a bit short.

Yeah, I went, I went see two people carry this small bit of fire whilst waving at the crowd. And it was a very emotional moment for me, John, because I really love fire, because without it, I mean, would be, would be nothing as a species and nothing as a planet heart. I really welled up. Without a far, we'd know sun would probably wouldn't be here at all, without far enough. We'd never have evolved into the people we are today, which means my children would probably still be fish

or lizard or something. So thank you, Prometheus, your sacrifice was very much worthwhile. And of course, carrying a flame around the country is a British tradition as old as Britain itself and it has been ever since Little Thomas Kramner was voted most flammable arts bishop in 1556 at the end of that year's Torch Rela. And on that evidence you can only speculate on the size of the wicker heretic they're going to burn at the opening ceremony. Well the opening ceremony itself has had so much speculation around it, due to it being

shrouded in secrecy. And one of the stories that's most over the last few days is that after concerns about how expensive the tickets for the opening ceremony were, it might not actually be sold out. There are still tickets on sale for the two top price categories of £1,600 and £2,012. That is a lot of money for an opening ceremony. for the two top price categories of 1,600 pounds and 2,012 pounds. That is a lot of money, Andy, for an opening ceremony. For that price, I want to be able to join in the parade if I want to. And then I want to be able to toast a marshmallow directly on that Olympic flame

if I so choose. However, organizers have promised that there will not be any empty seats. They said that it's likely that they will be given to troops or children. Well, I'm glad that that is their worst case scenario, Andy, giving tickets to children and troops. I'm glad that they didn't think that might be a nice idea anyway, even without the threat of empty seats, just that it's fractionally better than taking the tickets and setting fire to them.

I don't know what the troops get free tickets. They get free flights to and from exotic locations around the world all the time. Well, that is technically true. I guess Andy, it's hard to argue with that. And yet every bone in my body seems to want me to. I tell you who should be getting these free tickets, John. And that is child troops. That's because those are the little, they are our future. You're going to have the whole stadium filled with kids from Sierra Leone now, the main excitement around the opening ceremony is surrounding who is going to light the flame.

There's been a lot of guessing. Will it be Steve Redgrave? Will it be Roger Bannister? Will it be David Beckham? Will it be the Queen? Will it be David Beckham dressed as the Queen? Will it be Roger Bannister? Will it be David Beckham? Will it be the Queen? Will it be David Beckham dressed as the Queen? Will it be the Queen dressed as David Beckham? No one seems to know for sure. But the pressure is on because you've got to compete with Muhammad Ali, lighting the flame in 96. The Barcelona Archer firing the flame into a cauldron in 92. It's an iconic moment. And I actually have a few suggestions on. I'll realise it's late in the day, but I think these might work Number one the queen set a swan on fire and throws it 50 feet into the cauldron in an intimidatingly unforgettable display of viciousness and strength Two we use the two-pack Shakur hologram that took Coach Eppelpik Storm

He lights the flame while singing shorty wannabe a thug took Coach Epipok Storm. He lights the flame while singing Shorty Wanna Be A Thug. Three, we use the technology from the Tupac hologram, but we use it to create a Princess Diana hologram. She magically lights the Olympic flame while also singing Shorty Wanna Be a Thug. Apparently you can't have the hologram without that song for some reason.

Four, Judy Dench in a specially made safety burn suit, sets herself on fire and runs around in a circle on a podium for the duration of the games. And finally, five, Margaret Thatcher walks slowly but surely after the Olympic Cauldron and then sets it on fire just by looking at it. I think all of those are pretty powerful suggestions, Andy, and I'd love to see any of them. Yeah, I mean, there's been a lot of,, bookies this morning, slashed the odds on the flame,

being lit by the three-man team of Lord Luke and Glenn Miller and Elvis. And to mean, if that does it, they can pull it off. That would be absolutely. That would be great. Absolutely sensational. The other suggestion was that the missing race horse, Shurgar, is going to fly through the stadium

on a jetpack Los Angeles 84 style before crashing into the cauldron and being cooked by Raymond Blonk. Rumors are other parts of the ceremony include the centerpiece, will be Ballet reenactment of the final of the 1985 World Snooker Final in which Ballet Ace Darcy Bustle will play the part of the climactic black ball, potted by a giant robot Dennis Taylor. Also rumors that we will see the Queen and David Cameron jetpack jousting with the winner getting to run the country. Also suggestions that London mayor Boris Johnson, who has been using this Olympics to showboat like you wouldn't believe.

He will be bouncing from boob to boob on a giant inflatable hat he jakes. And David Beckham is set to take a role in the opening ceremony by firing an arrow at French president Francois Alon's face in revenge for the battle of Hastings in 1066. So it's going to be awesome, John. It's going to be absolutely, absolutely sensational. As you said, it might not be sold out. Four billion people apparently around the world are going to watch it. But, yeah, I mean, the clue is the wire's not sold out

is very much in that price. And also in the weird way that they've done taking. Now, the cheapest ticket is 20 pounds, 12. Most expensive is 100 times more than that, a 2,012 pounds. And the thing is, you might not, don't know what you're gonna get for this. A lot of the premium tickets have turned out

to be actually shit tickets. And I bought tickets to three sessions of athletics in the evening. You can get categories, double A, A, B, C, and D. And I got a category's D, C, and B for three different sessions, costing 95, 150, and 295 pounds.

Now those seats are all in the same block within two rows of each other and within four seats of each other. So what exactly do you get for that higher category? Well, f*** all John, absolutely f*** all. So that explains why they've been so stylistically secretive about the way the ticketing's been done. There has already been some controversy on the very first day of competition when the North Korean women's football team walked off the field before the game had even begun. Apparently as North Korean players were being introduced before the match against Colombia, South Korean flags were

mistakenly displayed next to their faces in the video package. Oh, handy. That is a country they are still technically at war with. That is like getting Churchill a swastika-shaped birthday cake. I mean, he's going to eat it, but he's not going to be happy about it. The squad walked off and could only be persuaded to return when the teams were announced again with each player's face displayed next to the North Korean flag. And so kickoff was delayed by about an hour. And that was day one, Andy.

We fucked up on a flag on day one. And not just Eddie Flagg, the flag of the nation probably the least likely to not be bothered by that. There are now worries over other potential mistakes with flags or national anthems during the games, but you know, hundreds of years ago, it used to be so much easier and you would just play the British national anthem and hoist the British flag and presume that you were basically right.

It does remind you though this controversy and controversy, Andy, of one of the upcoming marquee matchups of the Olympics. You always like to see rivals playing each other at sport, and there is a huge one to look out for. Because on Wednesday, North Korea were drawn against South Korea in the first round of the men's Olympic table tennis. What that's going to be incredible. What they haven't been able to resolve of a decade of conflict, Andy, they're going to have to try to resolve with ping pong paddles, just like North and South

to Dandid successfully recently. If only they'd had that technology in 1950. It must have been deliberate though. I mean, you cannot possibly get a flag, it must have been a wind up. That's, that's what I mean, you cannot possibly get a flag right. It must have been a wind up. That's, that's what I mean, aside from just putting up a picture of Dwight Eisenhower's way to just to remind them

of what went on all those years ago. I mean, that was about insulting us again. There'd been another slight blooper to that. Look at that, that would, that would be incredible. If you, they did just put that picture of penis up there and they would, they just went up, well, it's a penis, you know, you're in a different got hold that point. I know how it's penis People turned up put to watch archery at law today only find that it was not open to the public

Well, I want to know John. It's why not there's some sport going on or they haven't sold tickets for you know They could have sold they could have sold it out They could have sold it as my schedule as my schedule for the next 16 days reveals British people would buy tickets to watch anything in this Olympics we will pay to watch grown men roll around on the floor growling and trying to give each other wedges or a purist and system calling it freestyle wrestling we'll pay to watch a load of women in swimsuits give us an Object lesson in how not to escape a shark attack, whilst smiling as if they've been kidnapped and are being forced to do this at gunpoint.

We'll pay to watch men paddling their arses off in canoes, even though they're not actually being chased by a crocodile, and there is no danger of them being sucked over a waterfall. We all pay to see anything, John. Horses, shitting in buckets, anything. I'm gonna see 29 events, I've already been to one, 29 more including 17 sports I've never been to. I'm gonna see the whole of the 50 kilometer walk, John,

the 50 kilometer whaddle. Three and a half hours, mincing up and down the mall, and I've paid to see that, because I want the rest of my life to see more worthwhile. I've also paid to see men and women kick each other in the face, but that's another story. It was my stagnant.

But I thought I'd trip myself and I'm also gonna see Ty Quanto. I'm gonna spend more time queuing than you've spent eating hot dinners, including menu and wireless perusing time. I don't even care if Team Gb's involved or wins or loses. I'm gonna see the f***ing Dominican Republic,

play Japan in women's volleyball, with my children. And I'm not doing all this because I want to. I'm not doing it all because I need to. And I'm not doing it all because I deserve to, or even because I've been advised by my shrink to to try to kill my debilitating obsession with sport. But I'm doing it because I want to. Oh, that was option A, wasn't it?

The point stands, the point has nailed the dismount and stuck its ass out at the judges. Super stuff and the point, whatever it was. Oh yeah, it was about talking about archery. Oh, there's no such thing as free archery. We've always paid for archery in this country. That's kind of a really ranting arrow in the oindry victim king Harold contestified. Also in this Olympic week, the first annual results of the government's measuring national

well-being program, which if you said that in a tutonic accent, that would sound extremely sinister. They have, oh, in this Olympic week of all weeks, the key findings of that report are live on a remote island and don't work. Well, Britain is an island, it is politically and economically increasingly remote, and and don't work. Well, Britain is an island. It is politically and economically increasingly remote and it don't work. We should be the happiest nation on earth, John, particularly with this Olympics.

What genuinely makes this happening in this country? Sadly for the government, it's not disasterous, economic figures and mass unemployment. But it is Olympic fever, John, as we said, it is making Britain a happier nation for at least two and a half weeks than it generally is. But there is still a significant part of this population that tragically does not like sports.

And you would have thought there must be a vaccine available for that in the 21st century. If they can cure lactose intolerance and typhoid, they should be able to cure nantipid theta sports. People need sports. And otherwise they start noticing reality. In fact, it would make governments live so much easier and it would make everyone happy if they just started pumping a miso sportosis antidotes into the waters it's like they do with fluoride for

people's teeth. Now clearly this is bullshit. What makes us happy is the Olympics. The report also showed that people who are married have jobs and own their own homes are most likely to be satisfied with their lives. Now this is a crucial breakthrough, John, for the scientific community. Love and financial security turns out are more fun than crushing loneliness and grinding poverty. As discoveries go, this is up there with Nike's research project that concluded the eels and not an important target demographic in the high end trainers market. Or Alexander Fleming's follow-up to his penicillin discovery in which after prolonged hours in a lab, he proved

that even if you bark really loudly into a test tube, you cannot make it make a test tube puppy. But happily, what also makes Britain happy is American politicians coming over here and putting their fucking foot in it. That has put a smile on Britain's face this week, John. As your potential future president, Mitt Romney, has really done... Hey, he has stepped up to that plate, John. He has stepped up to that plate, covered it in custard, and smashed it into his own face. That's right.

One of the current guest in London is Willard Mitt Romney. He's currently on a week-long foreign tour visiting the UK, Israel and Poland. The classic trifecta Andy, your classic three stop vacation right there, started England, end in beautiful downtown Warsaw and swing by the wailing wall on the way. Robyn is in the UK. How long is was that not the exact itinerary that Hitler had planned out? I think it was.

I think it basically was. Uh, Romney, isn't the UK to attend the Olympics opening ceremony and meet various political leaders over the next few days? And as you say, he managed to put his foot firmly in his own face almost straight away, saying that there had been disconcerting signs ahead of the start of the games and questioned whether Britons would truly celebrate the Olympics, to which it was an almost instantaneous response from Briton of f**k you! Shut the f**k up, you f**king f**k! Go eat a bag of dicks! And this is his first major trip abroad, Romney, as the preemptive Republican nominee.

And it went badly straight away. England seemed to take an immediate diss like to him. It was supposed to be a strong trip for Romney. He was chief executive of the Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City in Utah in 2002. But it really does not seem to be working out well. Romney said, it's hard to know just how well it will turn out this Olympics. Do the British come together and celebrate the Olympic moment? That's something which we only find out once the game actually begin.

So he believes that we may not be up to this Andy. Of course, it's worth noting that he also believes, as a Mormon, that at one point, Jesus lived in America. So he's a man of strong beliefs, though those beliefs may be misplaced. How the f*** did he get there? I guess he was magic. And he probably just flew on a donkey, or something,

yeah, all like, I think he's feet turned into jet skis. To be honest, I haven't read the full beliefs of the home system. I think it is the feet jet skis though. Well, don't read them, John, because that'll pretty persuasive. That as me and my many wives will tell you. Ha ha ha. Romney also referred to the leader of the opposition in England

and a leader of the Labour Party Ed Miliband as Mr. Leader in a press conference, which is a little bit weird. He seems to think that Ed Milliband is a North Korean like a dictatorial figure. He's accidentally revealed that he has say-do-masochistic feelings concerning Ed Milliband and sees him as his sexual dominatrix. Oh, Mr. Leeder, thank you for having me in your country. I'm so sorry I insulted your Olympics preparation, Mr. Leeder, I've been so bad, I need to be punished. Please, can you drip hot candle wax on my balls, Mr. Leeder? Please, please, I've been such a naughty man. Amongst the other things Romney said, he predicted that the games would be shit, a big pile of shit, that the opening ceremony would be quotes like a 10-day-old souffle in a nursing home

and that star British swimmer Rebecca Adlington would either dissolve or be eaten by a walrus. He also claimed that the last decent thing London organised was chopping Charles I's fucking head off in 1649. And went on to claim that he'd rather examine the last known stools of roadkill badges than a 10-100 metres final. Oh, how can you say that? How can you say that, Andy? He said that he wouldn't do the queen even if she went down on a royal knees and begged

me. And that it wouldn't surprise me if Tom Dalyley's diving star was fatally injured in a 10-meter diving because someone had taken a plug out of the diving pool and there was no water in it. Romney then scratches scrotum and said, there, I've just done the most productive thing to happen in Britain since the blitz. After it, he claimed the strat for the area, looked to f*** of a lot better after the Luftwaffe or given it the one so with and it does now. Before suggestion of the whole of Team GB probably suffers from either herpes or geodia, and that the Olympic stadium would fall down if anyone farts in it. And even though much running is campaign Andy, this is the worst thing he could say. That much lauded velodrome is a kind of donkey shit wouldn't shit an American

could put up in an afternoon but wouldn't bother because he's shit. Romney who did not actually say any of these things but by the look on his face probably wished he had later backtracked and predicted that London would hold a quotes very successful games before sniggering to himself, coughing, bullshit, and predicting that the basketball arena would blow away if the win never got above 10 miles an hour. There have been a number of angry retorts against Mitt Romney, including even from David Cameron, who pointed out that the 2012 Olympics were taking place in a busy city, rather than, I quote,

the middle of nowhere, seemingly taking a shot at Romney's Salt Lake City Games in Utah, which is the dictionary definition of the middle of nowhere. So, wow, Andy, when even David Cameron is calling you an asshole, you are a huge asshole. And just as Romney was trying to put this diplomatic fire out, a passage from his 2011 book started getting passed around the internet yesterday. His book was called No Apologies, and one part of this reads, and again, I quote, just a small island. Its roads and houses are small. With few exceptions, it doesn't make things that people in the rest of the world want to buy.

And if it hadn't been separated from the continent by water, it almost certainly would have been lost to Hitler's ambitions. Well, well, Mr. Romney, I guess to be fair, we needed the assistance of water to defend ourselves, because America certainly wasn't fucking helping for a while in that war. Water to its credit was involved right from the starting pistol. But, you know, I suppose, so, Romney, you are fucking welcome for us helping to create

your country. You're fucking welcome. You're welcome. If you don't, if you don't mind your Britain, then you start speaking Iraqi or whatever else you'd be speaking if it wasn't for us. If we hadn't annihilated the Native American population and tried to subjugate the people who were there and eventually you'd be speaking French or Spanish or possibly something at the point is you're welcome. You're welcome. Not Iraqi. This is Erakoy. Welcome, you're welcome. Not irocating. This is Eroquoy. This is... This was supposed to be a good will visit for Ronny.

But maybe, maybe this is just part of Ronny's seduction style, Andy. Maybe he says he uses people by insulting them. Maybe this is how he got his wife. He just walked up to her and said, hey, and you're f***ing bitch. Let's go out for dinner sometime. Don't eat too much though, you're looking puffy. I was basically always done with the American public, isn't it? I don't f**king pay tax, suck my nuts!

Suck my nuts and vote for me! You two are being both very swearing, very nationalistic today. Oh yeah. It's all those flags. It's the Olympics. The Olympics. The Olympics. North Korean wedding news now.

And well, Andy, a couple of weeks ago, we speculated about the mystery lady, seen on the Pudgey arm of Kim Jong-un, the North Korean leader and hereditary crazy gene recipient. She was rumored to be the singer of magnificent songs such as Excellent Horse Like Lady, a song title that amazingly is not a joke. Well, good news and bad news regarding that. Bad news, sadly, it was not her. Good news. It was someone else and he married her. So after, after mounting speculation of whether

the woman was his wife, lover or sister, which is some pretty sexy speculation, Andy, apart from that third option, because if there's a gray area there, you have your self-a problem. The name of the woman was announced on North Korean State Television on Wednesday. She was revealed to be 23-year-old Riesol-Jew. They're definitely married, but the wedding may have been as long ago as 2009. I feel so terrible to be so late on this, Andy, but let me just take this opportunity now to say congratulations, Riesol-Jew, on the happiest day in your miserable life. There you go. It turns out that she, too, may have been a singer,

and he just like the previous girlfriend that he was rumored to have been with Kim Jong-un. So he's clearly got a type, and that type is women who are terrified of him, and who can also sing, but most importantly, the cowering part. They were photographed visiting a brand new amusement park, although it's not clear precisely what concerts

tutes amusement in North Korea. It's... Maybe it's just looking at a pizza through a plane of glass. We don't know. The details are so secret, as you can imagine, with North Korea, but there have been some leaks of his wedding vows. I can read them out here. This was one at Do You, Kim Jong-un, take this lady to have and to terrify from this day fourth.

Do you promise to use her as a photographic prop and to parade her around like a nuclear warhead? As long as you both shall live, I do, he was supposed to say. And then the response of Valseda, do you resold you take this man to have and to not answer back to on threat of execution, in fatness and in wealth? Do you promise not to criticize him when he wants another 60-foot high portrait of himself somewhere, and will you live a decadent life for saking all others around you in the country who are dying of salvation? And do you promise not to look at a new

statue of him and say, I think it needs a bit more bronze around the jowls darling? And if you do, do you promise not to complain when you are executed? And do you promise at no point to suddenly wake up in the middle of the night screaming, holy shit, what are we doing? This country is a huge mess, And if you do, you understand that whole exacution thing skip to the end, you do. You do. Your emails now and this one comes in from Katie. On the subject, the bugle is my co-pilot. Dear Andy, John and Chris, I recently moved from Boston to San Antonio for work reasons, a likely story. It's been rather a big change in climate, both barometrically and politically. That is true. Katie's absolutely right about that.

For instance, saying it's 103 degrees in Boston will be a topic of great interest. While in San Antonio, it's fairly commonplace, on the other hand saying, wasn't the supreme court's ruling on a barmer care great in Boston would be fairly commonplace, while in Texas it causes an ever so slightly different reaction. In order to get here I had to drive about 2000 miles, it took five days to do so. Before making this trick I downloaded as many bugle podcasters I could find and listened to them on the way. I listened to the bugle in 11 different states. I'll have a quick question. And I just wanted to say thank you. On this journey, places unknown, I found the bugle to be more constant. My north star, if you will. You need to buy yourself a real f***ing map, Katie. If you use the bugle as your north star, you're going to end up driving into a lake.

That's right. And you deserve to end up in San Antonio. Oh, dude, she goes on to say, the place is my change, the bullshit remains the same. It's quite profound, that is it. It's quite profound thought from crazy places my change, the bullshit stays the same. It's been true, ever since people started jotting down things on bits of stone and climbing God said them. What's the name of that town we were going to invite? Oh, that's so nice. Paris? God, you sound like Caesar there, Chris. So so glib. What was it? I can't remember. Yeah, we'll get to it.

We'll get to it. Bring me my horse. We have another email here from Ian Kerridge, who says, Andy John and that really nice Chris, I need help. He says, I really need you to pass on a message to another bugler for me, please. Could you please tell Liz that Ian is sorry. He's not entirely sure what he's done wrong, but whatever it is, he's sorry. Liz, Ian apologizes, he's sorry. I'd be ever so grateful if you could do this for me.

Looking forward to buying some bugle merchandise. I trust there'll be T-shirts and a special bugle monogram T-shirt cannon. Ian. Well, I mean, we've done it, Ian. That's right. I have questions and answers, doesn't it? It kind of does. And it is a full of joys for you.

I mean, is Ian a walker, and is less a judge in the hay? And is that going to be enough? Well, is he an irregular person, and is less six feet on the ground? And he here, and I'm apology. I don't know if I want to get involved in this, Ian. Or is this a fruit? Yeah, if you can hear us, Liss, are you in your sorry? But, you know, I don't know, I don't know how I feel about that apology. Well, Liss also, John, is a village in Hampshire in Southern England? What have you done, Ian? I mean, what have you done to that village? Is there anyone, if anyone is still alive in this, please contact the authorities

as a matter of considerable urgency. Budelers are advised not to approach Ian. He is clearly an extremely dangerous man. May there's a knob on the school roof? Ha ha ha. Oh, that, how good would that be? Olympic opening ceremony. They pan back at the end, and there's that be? Olympic opening ceremony. They pan back at the end,

and there's a flaming penis on the roof. That would be sensational. A 60 foot flaming penis, visible from space. That would be the most British possible thing. That would be as British as firing baseballs of an etch in T.S. Flotilla of Jetskies as American. That would be great. Let's have it Danny Boyle. Let's have the

penis on the roof. Well, that's it for Bugle 200s and to the final Bugle recorded before the official beginning of the Olympics. You can feel the history in the air. Now, from tomorrow morning, you'll be able to get daily Londonium 5,772 Namean Games micro-bugles. Now, I think legally, I've covered my back. I'm using the Hebrew year. So I'm using both my Jewish heritage and my classical education. The Londonian 5772 and the Indian Games, which

we're all very excited about, I'll be doing daily micro-bugles, which Chris is going to put up early in the morning, or basically overnight night to the micro bugle breakfast. So, this is an exciting new door. I mean, in the history of broadcasting, you'll be able to get them on the normal iTunes and SoundCloud feeds and the website at thevugelpodcast.com and our SoundCloud page. Soundcloud.com slash the hyphen bugle. It's no fun when you get it right. And don't forget you can follow John Oliver on at I am John Oliver. Yeah, you can. Wow. I'll make you offer. This is a very exciting photo. We had a couple of emails in asking whether or not. Don't know how. It was genuinely.

It is me. It is me. I don't know how long I feel or how long I'll be around for, but the point is Andy, it just doesn't matter because the Olympics are here. That's right. And I'll be doing the Olympics are here. We're so sporadic, Olympic updates and lies on the at-hello bugle of Twitter feed as well including... Uh-oh. When are you going to do the Monday?

I'm going to do them from my heart all the time, John. That's right. That's right. The Olympics are not just for a few weeks, they're forever. Enjoy the Olympics, newbies. Please let me have a jet pack. That's what a jet pack and a penis on the roof. That's all we ask.

One massive jet pack and an even bigger penis. And the live sheep, you promise those, I do expect those delivered. Sport, Andy! Sport! Made a sport, fear with you, Buvelas. And also... with you.

Long live sport. In Nominale Sporties, Amen. Come on, sport! Come on, sport! Eat Big Macs and drink Coca-Cola. you