The Bugle - Bugle 203 – No medals for Syria

Episode Date: August 3, 2012

This Bugle sounds like what a Bugle would sound like if Andy and John had spent the last watching the Olympics and nothing less. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugleers, and welcome to Bugle Issue 203! Wad in that bottle, please. Oh, you're clear. For the week beginning Monday, Holy Crapper is going to be less than a week of sport to go by the time Monday comes around. Oh dear, that puts everything in perspective. I'm Andy Soltzmann, great Britain. Live just a few miles away, where British athletes are going for glory if you're working for a watching the BBC coverage, and if you're not,

where the world's greatest sporting event is taking place. And with me this week, it's the former Czechoslovak second-scientifically enhanced 800 meter ace, Jarmila Kratocz-Vee liver. And alongside him or her, it knew your hook bugling under the IOC banner for comedians, no longer affiliated to any nation, it's John Oliver. Hello Andy, hello Bugles. Now, if you've been following any of Andy's micro-bugles this week, or indeed his Twitter feed, you'll probably be aware that Andy has come down with a very serious case of Olympic fever. He's been attending events all week long frequently more than one a day,

and it's in fact sandwiching this bugle recording in between seeing athletics before this, and then leaving immediately after this to go and see, I believe, fencing and table tennis. That's right. This is just Olympic fever Andy. This is an advanced stage Olympic fever and at this point there's just not much that any doctor can do. There's no point. No. Yeah, there's no point even sending in a priestessy Andy now. Partly because he's Jewish. Partly because he take one look at the cross around the priest's neck and just automatically assume it's a new medal for getting forthplace in the triple jump. In fact, I believe that if you took an X-ray of Andy's torso right now, you would see his intestines of rearranged themselves into the shape of the five Olympic rings.

When I spoke to you on the phone yesterday, Andy, you sounded as happy as I've ever heard you. And that absolutely includes both your wedding day and the birth of both of your children. What were you doing at the birth of my children, John? I didn't want to interrupt. I just wanted to be there. My only concern is that when these illipics are over, you are headed, Andy, for a spectacularly large come down. After the closing ceremony, you're

going to be like, you and McGregor in train spotting, lying in the corner of a room, shivering and hallucinating a hammer throwing baby crawling across the ceiling. What are you going to do? I don't know. I just don't know. How are you going to win yourself off this level of happiness? What? I don't know.

I mean, it's going to be hard. Even more concerning in that jump. It looks like it is going to be at least another four years until London hosts the Olympics again, probably even more. So, when it's going to be dark times. I think your best bet might be just to move straight to real art. It's a sit in the unfinished Olympic stadium, we're just waiting for four years. I think that's your best bet. Yeah, I'm going to need a lot of help and support from my family and friends. That's certainly true. I think doing these daily micro-peagles has been good fun.

Thanks for those who fed back on them, particularly those who fed back positively. I hope you're enjoying them. But it does mean that I've been getting about three hours sleep a night and then getting up at 6am to go for example to watch rowing. And the first hour of rowing yesterday basically involved people rowing for the opportunity to row in the C final for the classification of 13th to 18th position. So I could perhaps have treated myself to a lie and skip the first hour. Besides which rowing is a spectatorsport. I mean, it's pretty dull, frankly, if unless you could, if you're, I was standing on the bank about a mile

from the start and about 500 meters from the finish. That's, you know, you see a boat was passed at medium speed, every 10 minutes and then basically watch it on a big telly. So, well that's, you know, that was definitely a sleep opportunity lost. Top story this week! Are there more important things to care about? Of course. Can you name any of those things right now? Of course not. What's the first thing you think of when you think of the word news? That's right, it's Michael Phelps' face, isn't it? That's because it's the Olympics, Andy. Humanity's emotional morphine. It doesn't make everything okay,

but it sure a shit makes it feel okay. It's a Olympics update time. I'm about 30% joking when I say any of that Andy. I know that for you, that number is currently significantly low. Well, there was a news bulletin, the other day, I heard on the radio and it had about, I think it was maybe, it was radio 4 actually. So I mean this is the serious bit of British media and it was like at the time, three minute news bulletin on the hour.

And the first two minutes were all about the Olympics and then other news was there's been a massacre in Syria. Yeah but I think that shows I mean you might see that in a negative light I see that in a positive light because that just shows that things don't need to be bad even when they are. Yeah. Yeah. It's just something the is, it's like an evolutionary thing. Yeah. We've seen the evolution of humanity. Yeah, they didn't use to be Olympic Games.

Then we developed Olympic Games, and now we are able to ignore major catastrophes. Yes. That is self-preservation, John. It is mental self-preservation. It's the evolution of the species, Andy. That's right. Well done, Darwin. So, the Olympics is a weekend now and after a spectacular

Olympics opening ceremony that saw a five-minute Mr. Bean sketch and James Bond bursting in on the Queen with a look in his eyes That might be thinking was about a shooter in their head The Queen of course then jumped out of a helicopter and even more spectacularly managed to scowl her way through the rest of the old things, everything. She did look like she absolutely hated it. She had a face like a bored trowel, I mean. But it have killed her to smile just once, rather than have a permanent expression

that seemed to say, I fucking hate all of you. All of you. I think I mentioned this in the very first Mike Monicrobugal last week that there wasn't explanation for this John. That she just spent 10 minutes in a helicopter with James Bond. Now, what happens to women when they get in bits of transport alone? That's a good point. Oh, well.

And it could have really set off our arthritis. That's all I'm saying. The point is, Andy, what a week. What's going on? There's been despair. There's been sunshine. There has been rain. And there have been cheating badminton players, bringing that noble sport into this

repute. How dare they describe badminton, Andy. They brought shame upon the shuttlecock. Ha-ha-ha. What happened in the back? It's about shuttlecocks, John. Yeah. The feathers on shuttlecocks are made only from the left wing of a goose. They said that I went to Badminton last night and there was an ounce during the pretty

match-bill that I was to Badminton last night and there was an ounce during the pre-match bill that feeling a bit of time They said instantly the shuttlecock was made using feathers only from the left wing What of the goose that sounds like one of your lies? Yeah, no, I was listening to that thinking have I been I'm a bit confused I've been very busy, but I don't remember writing the continiots The links for Olympic Badminton. I think that might be the single most pointless fact I've ever heard. I mean, that literally has no use to me. Yeah. And yeah, I'd probably never get a forget in that.

But disappointingly, they have removed the original phase of Badminton from when it was invented in around about the 17th century of competitors having to chase and defether a goose to make the shuttle cock. Now, of course, originally, I wasn't from the left wing of the goose. It was from the shuttle of the goose, which is like the turkey's wattle underneath the goose's chin, and the cock was made from the cock of the goose. Now, obviously for the sake of the flight of the shuttlecock, you need the cock bit to be, you need the shuttle bit to be feathery, and you need the cock bit to be feathery and you need the cockpit to be hard. So it needed to be removed in an aroused state. Now clearly this is a tricky maneuver for a babbon to pull off to sever the aroused penis

of a goose. It's okay for the goose because they just, their wangs grow back like hydras. This is why you know in the 18th century you couldn't move for geese with about 50 penises But but it did make make a mishatel cock It's been a long week get some sleep and eat for the very little you're hallucinating Is this still the fact if it was if it was at 20 all in in the game rather than nowadays you have to get two points ahead Yeah, until the 29 or then you have like a golden point. A 20-year-old, the bald anger in recently deep-penest goose was released onto the court. He lost player to be pecked by the anger goose one the game.

That is no less useful effect than the actual fact you started that with. That was the same amount of use. What happened in the badminton if you you missed it, was that four women's doubles teams were disqualified from the Olympics after deliberately trying to lose their final group games to secure an easier draw in the knockout round. It looks bad when one team in a match tries that. It looks terrible when both teams are simultaneously doing it. It's not technically cheating, but it did turn the crowd on them

and did cause a badminton scandal. And you don't often hear those two words anywhere near each other and the badminton scandal. In fact, there hasn't been a badminton scandal since 1986, I believe, when for a couple of days the then world champion, Park Joo-Bong, was briefly thought to have caused the Chernobyl nuclear disaster with an air and shuttlecock until the investigation eventually blamed electrical engineering

equipment and the use of graphite and construction materials. But for 48 hours, it looked to have been the single worst combined badminton and nuclear reactor disaster in decades. Badminton scandal used to open the bowling fird Jamaica in the non fudge, you're making her in the ninth grade. Aaron Cawney here. There was a great feature on the BBC Olympic website this week, which gives you a chance to find out, and I quote, your Olympic athlete body match. Now, you can put your height and weight into the programme,

and it will tell you which Olympian's body you most resemble. So, you know, I'm about six feet at around 175 pounds, so I put that in and it turns out that I'm most like Stefan Fek, the German Olympic three meter springboard diver. And also Ian Lewis, the British men's team hockey player. Now, this means I technically have the body of an Olympic diver, Andy.

That is a numerical fact. It's not a visual fact, but which do you trust more? Your eyes or numbers? Exactly. Without numbers, you wouldn't even have two eyes to see things with. You just have some eyes. That's my point. So it turns out that I have the body of an Olympic diver, Andy.

And I'm as pleased with that fact, as I imagined, Stefan Feck is angry with the fact that after a lifetime's dedication to carving his body into its perfect sleek form, he numerically has the body type of a 35-year-old British comedian. Well, I did the same on that same test, John, and it turns out that I have exactly the same body as the 15-year-old British

gymnast, Rebecca Tummy. Are you... Are you shh? I'm going to haven't measured myself for a while to be honest, but I'm just going on though my last recorded measurements from six months ago, but then I was six stone. the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the

majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority of the majority to these games, not just because he seemed to imply that the London Olympics last week would be a bag of shit before they began. But also because he actually owns one of the competitors in the Olympics.

His wife Ann had a horse competing in this Olympics in the sports of horse dressage, otherwise known as horse ballet, otherwise known as the single stupidest thing in the history of the world. Not so stupid though, there were not 23,000 fans who turned up to watch the horse dancing in Greenwich Park on Thursday. Kudos to British sports fans Andy, they will turn up to watch anything, whether it's a sport or not, as long as it's called a sport. If you called an old lady crossing the road a sport Andy, you would have thousands of people turn up to watch her and millions

more people complaining that there weren't any more tickets left to see it because they'd all been given away in corporate deals. Well that was basically the Jubilee John. Come on Ethel. Come on Ethel. She's just crossed the river instead of a road. And Romney's horse is called Rafalka, which is a stupid nine for a horse that you are asking to do stupid things in a stupid sport. But Rafalka has become a bit of a touchy subject for Mitt Romney, as it's very existence does play into the image of him being a bit of an elitist. He's claimed that it is not an elitist sport, horse stress-hide, but let's just look

at the cold facts for a moment. The rider wears a top hat and white gloves, and the horse trots in place and performs pirouettes. A pirouette horse, Andy. A pirouette horse. I think Mitt Romney is smart enough to know that you do not get elected to the highest office in the land by being associated with a pirouetting horse.

Refalker's rider insisted that the sport is not just for the rich, saying that it's open to anyone on an, I quote, a normal budget. But that might be stretching the term normal just a big because it might be normal to anyone with a large Swiss bank account. But the horse's cost upwards of half a million dollars to buy and according to their tax returns, the Romney has d off $77,000 in horse expenses in 2010. Horse expenses, Andy. Horse expenses. And not just horse expenses, pirouetting horse expenses. And not just pirouetting horse expenses,

$77,000 in pirouetting horse expenses. Well, that's mostly the... That's the training costs of, you know, teaching a horse to pirouette horse expenses. Well that's mostly the that's the training costs of you know teaching a horse to pirouette you know in a in a China shop and having to pay for all the breakages. That's how you train them to do it delicately but it does cost. It's been it does cost. It's been pointed out here that if President Obama wins this election with the economy in this badder shape it'll be a huge achievement. But Andy, if Mitt Romney wins this election with a pirouetting horse, I think it'll be even more impressive.

In fact, if he does win, I think he should ride onto the stage to give his speech with the top hat and white gloves, with his horse pirouetting all over the place, shouting, you just elected a tax evading Mormon with a pirouette horse. This is the greatest country in the world. Also, we've got, we've got a medal in the eventing equestrian. We've also had gold medals in rowing, cycling and canoeing and shooting and it seems that we as a nation specialise in being good at obsolete forms of transport and self-defense and a silver in judo as well. So I'm also concerned about this, when the canoe slalom is quite impressive, given the

as a nation we do have so few crocodile infested rapids, there isn't a necessity driving on our young canoe slalomist, there is in other countries. And I'm very concerned about this, the shooting goals that we won yesterday that are sort of a bit of on telewast having lunch in a cafe in between two rowing and badminton. My hectic schedule, what am I going to do, John? There's only just over a week left. What am I going to do? And personally I thought it was about a dullest sporting event I've ever seen. Well you take an opposite view on that, that basically clay pigeon shooting. It's awesome. It's so awesome

Andy. So what do you clay discs explode in pink smoke? I see. I see a shot by a huge shotgun. I don't know what is boring about that Well, no, the first one, not boring. The second one, you know, nice to confirm that the first one wasn't a fluke. It's just really what it gets to the 800th one towards the end of the competition that the novelty of seeing those things explode in pink smoke starts to wear off gradually.

Also, you know, as a sport goes, that's not a massively wide range of skills. We're going to commentator saying, well, what a beautiful trigger action he's got on that finger there. He's a flair shooter, so many options on that gun. It's just got enough for me as a sport, John. It has been an amazing thing to go to so many of these events and see the, just the joy on the faces of the British people. And one very notable thing has been the how friendly all the staff have been that the

games are largely start by volunteers and the military. And they've made a superhuman effort to be kind of chirpy and polite to people. And I think John, this is a very significant moment in the history of Western economics, because it has shown that the future for our workforces is to have volunteers wearing dangerously flammable looking purple shirts and being paid zero wages. It clearly makes people happy and it makes them helpful. And what this shows all along is that the Soviets were right. I think it's time to admit that we got the Cold War wrongs on. This is the future. This is the future for all our economies. In other Olympics updates, Refalka, Mitt Romney's horse finished apparently in 13th place on Thursday. I'm sure to the huge relief of the Romney campaign,

because it was rumoured that it looked like if Rafalka was going to win a medal and get all the publicity that came with that, that the Romney campaign had secretly hired Tonya Harding to run onto the field and hit Rafalka in the ankle with a hammer. One notable thing about watching all this sport is that like so much of sport these days, there is just an unceasing soundtrack of musical shit spewed out into all the venues. The rowing yesterday, the PI system veered between blasts of the rapper Dizzy Roskel and commentary links by Rob Curling, the former local newsreader and host

of the rightly cancelled TV game show Turnabout with Rob Curling, which was a wonderful juxtaposition of edgy urban and failed local TV news reader. As cocktails go, John, it was like having a bourbon whiskey laced with a cheap strawberry milkshake. And this morning at the athletics, you know, it was the first morning of the athletics in the Olympics day. You know, there was a Jessica Ennis gold medal hope going in the first two events of the Heptathlon. And you might want to know what the atmosphere was like in the stadium on this morning, a sense of anticipation building.

Well, I can tell you all the atmosphere was like John. I've basically no idea. It was impossible to set tell because some solar's in-busier was playing 30 second pukes of pop music, unceasingly throughout the build-up and throughout the athletics itself. On the rare occasion, he did shut his f***ing mouth and by his mouth I mean his sound system, maybe because there was a short enough race on that he thought the crowd might be able to cope with that attune they'd heard a minimum of 100 times of four, for the 48 seconds of a 400 meter hurdle race for example or because it was having to feel the goals from his parents telling him they didn't love him anymore

because of what he had done to the sport. In those rare moments of crowd authenticity it was incredible the stadium shaking roar for British possible 400 meter hurdle fineness but unlikely medalist Jack Green making it through the first round suggests that when a British athlete is actually going for or wins a gold medal the noise could wake Shakespeare from his tall, cold dead grave and inspire him to pen a new sonny about people running around, jumping and throwing stuff before saying, hey I've had a new idea for another ROM TRAGE. Right, boy meets girl, girl dies, boy dies at the end.

I'll whip it up and give it a modern twist. Who's got a Quill I can borrow? What you don't use Quill's anymore? You flash f**ks! Oh, everything with a Quill! Stop being so needlessly modern! You're still shitting buckets, I don't you? What? What the hell has happened to this f***ing country? I'm so pissed off I could burn a witch! I don't tell me you don't do that, and oh you do do that still.

But you need a special fire safety license. Oh, for f*** sake! Thank you, Brussels! I digress. Andy, what? Andy, you're just wrong. Now, higher energy dance music. Uplifts. What, when punctuating incredible moments. I can prove this to you.

Tell a joke quickly now. Tell any quick joke. I'm a pessimistic man. In that respect, I'm like a German vegetarian. I fear the worst. You're ready for this? That... Give it... fear the worst. You're ready for this? That can't be. But what you can't not say that didn't give your joke extra punch-hand. This is different, John. You know, that kind of music is fine when it is needed to fill a silence.

And after that joke, there is silence to be filled. But this is the difference. If you want to hear the roar of the crowd, John, the clearly these high volume pitilessly persistent musical turds that show absolutely no remorse throughout all sporting amenities of the result of much planning. So guys and girls, as I'm moving into finalised plans for the Olympic Stadium experience, we've got a stadium that might be a bit drably pedestrian on the outside, but it's pretty decent on the inside, it's going to have an 80,000 expectant crowd ready to voice their giddy thrill at the most exciting sporting spectacle in the history of this nation with all due respect to the 1985 World Snooker final.

Right, so any ideas how we should maximize the sense of occasion, the uniqueness of the atmosphere, the modern 21st century Britishness of this momentous day in the feeling that sporting history has been created. Me, me, me boss, Tony. How about a 30 second blast of last Friday night by Katie Perry? Good start, anyone else, Brenda. I was thinking that whilst a triple jump was striving to nail a third attempt in qualifying with a place in the Olympic final at stake, we should try to interfere with the single

most important moment of our sporting life with 45 seconds of girls allowed sounds on the underground. Hi, decibel. Oh, very high. Decibelism. Now we're cooking, Julian. Guilds allowed sounds on the underground. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hit the nail on the head, you've not the fucking nail spark out. That is the best idea you've had since getting poor McCartney to sing one of his own songs very badly in a thematically incontinent anti-clomax to the most ambitious piece of stadium theater

in European history. You're on fire, my friend. Mike, what is your hand up for? Yeah, boss, do you think we should maybe ease off on the music for a while? Maybe a longer asses on that. For example, the steeple chair seat. What the fucking hell's ass are you talking about, man? What if there's a momentary lull in the stadium? What then? A bit of light and shade boss, you know, that's the rhythm of the occasion.

We could let it grow organically for a minute or two. You're fired, Mike! What is this? 1740? We're not dying of typhoid now, Mike! God gave us massive stadium sound systems. If we don't use them all the time, he'll probably turn us into lizards. Off you go, Mike. And sing, let me entertain you on the way out. Or you'll never see your desk tidy alive again.

Basically, John, I can only imagine how good the atmosphere would have been in the stadium this morning if there was allowed to be any. I know there are arguably more important issues in the world today than the remorseless chandering of irrelevant part digested musical boluses into sporting arenas. But if I had two word message to the cat-headed it's responsible for this kind of shit, those two words would be f*** off. No, no, no, no, no, they'd be, stop it.

And then actually they would be f*** off. F*** off. Then read up about sports, what it's for, what makes it good and what, stop it. And then actually, they would be, f*** off, f*** off. Then read up about sports, what it's for, what makes it good, and what people like it. Really love that what you're doing is wrong, and then f*** off again. I think I've made my point.

And it's a really good point, and there's only one better way to punch you like that. BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG B I'm not saying there should be no music at all. It's not all the fucking time. Apart from that, it's been bloody amazing job. It has been, as you say, it has been incredible. It's been, it's almost too much sport to cope with. For the rest of today's show, do you want me to not have any of those little musical stabs between items? Do you want to just leave a little silence there?

I'm going to leave a silence in and we'll see how that goes down. Make it a long one. Let people save at the moment. Syria update now and well bit of a change of pace here Andy because I'm afraid that it is not good news. Tragically Syria has not won a single Olympic medal in the entire first week of competition and from from the look of some of the footage I saw brief on the news it looks like they're not at all happy about that it seems like they were writing in this street in protest of the dismal Olympic performance or something like that it wasn't clear that is a particular Andy, as it really does seem like

winning an Olympic medal might be the only way for Syria to get the world to pay any kind of attention to what is happening over there at the moment. Their best bet, the Syrians, is to somehow win a gold medal in pursuit cycling, then as their national anthem plays, run off the podium, grab the camera by the lens, loom into it, and frantically say before the music stops, please help us the Assad regime is routinely shelling cities with civilians trapped inside. This is a massacre. Please do

something to stop this human rights atrocity. And then just pray that it makes the prime time highlights package in the evening on NBC because otherwise it was all pointless. And the BBC will probably cut from that to say a British person who's got a reasonable chance in the washing in a bucket competition. It really has been horrendous news for Syria, rebel fighters in Syria, second city Aleppo attacked an army place using a tank they'd seized from the military, one in Damascus, government forces launched operations to route out rebel activists killing people all over the place. And to add to this, Kofi Anand, the UN Arab League joint special envoy to Syria announced

this week that he is leaving his post. In a news conference, he said that the Syrian people desperately need action, but he also criticised the UN Security Council for finger pointing and name calling. Well, he better get ready for more of both of those, Andy, because after making a principled call for greater accountability and maturity like that, he can expect instantaneous results in the form of fingers being pointed at him and chance of cofee is a poopy head. He left his job because he wet the bed. In his time in Syria, cofee announced authored a 6 point peace plan which was

intended to bring an end to the terrible fighting but the plan was never fully adhered to by either side and the violence has continued to get worse and worse. Just out of interest, the six point plan was one, stop it. To stop it now. Three, seriously, what were you pointing that thing? Four, what's your language, Mr. Asad? That kind of talk will just make everything worse. Five, are you threatening me, Mr. Asad? And six, does anyone know a cap number to take me to the airport? Well, of course, it being the Olympics of the six-point plan the most aggressive and the most conciliatory points will be removed and an average will be taken of the rest of the points

to that. It's where average out there is nothing will be done. You cannot process a single human thought without putting it through the proxy of the Olympics. It's impossible. Russian President Vladimir Putin said, Kofi and Amwas, I quote, a man of great merit, a brilliant diplomat,

and a very honest person, so it's a great shame. He then said, seriously, I honestly mean that. Why is everyone laughing? I think he's a great guy. Look, please don't laugh, because if you start, then I'm going to start then I'm gonna start I'm gonna miss Kofi a down a great deal boy you are making this difficult. Hold on Kofi a man is a man of

A man of great merit. I can't even look at you now. I need to think of something sad Kofi I forget it scratch the centre and I'll just send him a fruit basket with a note that says So we're f***ing, sorry, service over, Andy to talk. Badminton is a great sport to watch, John, it's fantastic. So he resigned, but the timing is a bit suspicious, John, not only did he resign, but three minutes later he took delivery of a new 42 inch 3D television and then locked himself in his office with a guide to all the sport. Well, John, if we can just lay aside other news stories like Siri and Return to the Big One, the logistically aside from the ticketing being just abject chaos, it has been

incredibly smooth, there's been almost no queues to get into venues to transport seem to have held up. And the security problems that arose when G4S, one of the private security companies admitted that it had forgotten basically to recruit anyone to do all the security. It has turned out quite well the Army has been involved and hasn't broken out into civil war yet so I guess that is better than when we held the Olympics in 1642. So here's a nice little kicker to the story. Earlier in 2012 at the Recruiters Award for Excellence, G4S, one the highly coveted best global and international recruitment strategy award. Now, on the evidence of the Olympics, might be a bit of a tough job to hang on to that title on current form, but it happens

so many times in sports on your strive to reach the top, and when you get there, you've just got nothing left in the tank. It's clearly the same for G4S and Recruitments. You know, your competitive ghost has been baked. Certainly happened to me after winning the Egon Spoon Race at my school sports day age six. I was never quite the same again. After that and being disqualified from the sac race at the same meeting for crossing line out of my sack, it was a very marginal call. I still thought I had contact with the bag and what counts as in the sack?

John, I mean the regulations of this sport are great here. And until the WSRF clears it up once and for all, and introduces finish line video technology, controversies like that are going to happen. Anyway, I was never quite the same competitively after that peak of achievement. Same thing happened with Golf or David Duval, tennis player, even my early, I'm in the list goes on, maybe G4S had just achieved everything they wanted to achieve in the field of recruitment and then just couldn't keep it going anymore and started cutting corners like a champion rabbi on an eight day old square penis. Fast food restaurants use as proxies for ludicrous culture wars in American news now and look,

gay marriage is gradually happening here in America and the state by state it is quietly What's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, a significantly brighter place. Unfortunately, there are obviously some moral kink and newt's trying to stop this tide of basic human equality from rolling in. And one of those men is Dan Caffey, the owner of Chickfil A. Chickfil A, a high-end low-grades chicken sandwich restaurant chain here in America. He's donated a lot of money to so-called traditional marriage groups in the past. And comments emerge this week of him saying in an interview, on our quote, I think we're inviting God's judgment on our nation when we shake our fists at him and say, we know better than you what constitutes a marriage. And I pray God's mercy on our generation that has such prideful, arrogant attitude

to think we have the audacity to try to redefine what marriage is about. And he should know Andy, he is after all the owner of Chick-fil-A, a man who's had the audacity to redefine what constitutes food fit for human consumption. Sadly, a few well-intentioned city mayors in America made statements suggesting that they would ban Chick-fil-A from opening restaurants in their city, something that they are legally not allowed to do and something that unleashed a well-winned of waxed jobbery as conservatives with a capital K such as Mike Huckabee and Sarah F***ing Pailin to give her a full name decided to embark upon a Chick-fil-A appreciation day on Thursday prompting thousands of Americans

to line up around the block to show their support for traditional marriage by eating a fried chicken sandwich. It is a quintessentially American form of protest, Andy. Years ago, people would march on Washington. Now people will line up around fast food joints. It has been a also a weird tone of victimhood from conservatives join this who seem to view this as some kind of Christian persecution. Fox News yesterday encouraged people

to, I quote, stand up to anti-Christian, anti-chicken, heterophobic bigots. I don't even know where to begin with that Andy. Antichristian. Oh sure, Christians have it so bad here in America. Who knows, maybe one day will live to see the day when America has a 45th Christian in the White House. And as for antichicken, are you f***ing kidding me? If you are standing up to anti-chicken people you are

casting yourself there for as pro chicken and it is hard to be pro chicken when you are lining up to go into a chick for lay to eat a chicken that has been battery farmed with another chicken shitting on its head and packing its eyes out before being ground down into a processed chicken plate and then breaded and fried. That's basically what Jesus did at the feeding of the 5,000, but with fish instead of chicken. Now, Chick-fil-A are not alone in being a politically vocal company and they're allowed to be Andy. Ben and Jerry's ice cream is openly liberal, Dominos Peter has donated a lot of money to conservative causes, but I think now it's just best for everyone to come clean. And it's time for all of America's fast food chains just to come out and reveal their

positions on the most important political issues affecting America right now. Would Taco Bell let the Bush tax cuts expire Andy? Does KFC think it's time to restore diplomatic relations with Cuba? What is the cheesecake factory's position on abortion? These are important questions Andy. What is dairy queen's attitude towards a preemptive strike on Iran? American needs to know. I can't enjoy a strawberry cheese quake Andy, but wondering whether or not dairy queen would

allow Iran to get a nuclear weapon. And hold that burrito for a moment Chipotle. Why don't you let me know your view on the ethics of stem cell research first? Your emails now and last week we broadcast an email from Ian apologising to Liss and we weren't sure who or what LIS was and one Earth he was apologising for, but to be honest our suspicions headed in some fairly unpleasant directions. We have had a response from LIS. Dear John Andy and Chris in order of who is most likely to have been

the Queen stunt double in the Olympic opening ceremony. I reckon you could pass that off Chris. Thanks. I've got the purple rinse. I've got the purple rinse. I could do a little bit more saggingness of gel, but apart from that, you're heading there. She writes, I am the list that you were having to apologize to in episode 202 and I need you to send help. I'm not exactly sure where I am, but I've been in the last few months in a basement somewhere, changed to a radiator with only the bugle for company played on a laptop out of my reach. After training a mouse to type by rewarding it with scraps of food and punishing it with

quotes from the love guru. Hi! I've managed to send this to the other way. Please locate and extract me from this place as quickly as possible. Yours and desperation, this. Well, well. Now, here's the problem, I'm not sure that because we also speculated on whether he was he was apologizing to the

town of this in Hampshire, the village of listen, Hampshire, and we actually have a response from that as well. So, dear Andy John and Chris in order of how easy it is to spot clouds that look like you. Last week, you read an email from Ian offering his sincere apologies to Liz, however he did not say what for. I'm a resident of the leafy village of Liz Hampshire and was very disturbed by this news. The big question that I have is, is you apologising for something that he's already done or something that he's about to do? I certainly hope he

wasn't responsible for any acts of sabotage in the recent Village Olympic scarecrow festival. Nor for that matter the well-publicized, mindless vandalism of some potentially championship-winning onions in the local allotment ahead of the Horticultural show. If it's for something that he's about to do, then he can bring it on. He doesn't have a chance. Liz is one of the most heavily fortified villages in the UK. There are bear traps. Those are illegal.

There are bear traps, trip wires, and the neighbourhood watch have a staring and cutting routine that would knock even the great Vladimir Putin off his feet. Hence, putting the rest of the unasked and unthoughtful question as to why Putin hasn't visited the Hampshire countryside during his recent swire to the UK. Rest assured that the alert level is high now in the village and will remain so, at least until the autumn steamfare. A time for wiping the slate clean and joining together in the love of the vintage pedonka donks. So if you could please inform me in that any attack on this over the next couple of months would be futile that would be appreciated.

She just tries lip hook down the road, much easier to say to your cable there, best regards Andy from Liss. So I don't know Andy, I don't know what, I don't know who to believe. My instinct says neither of them. This email comes in from the one fully named and presumably fictionally named Aristotle Saga's at all. Now, if that is not your real name, whoever sent this in, then please do change your real name to whoever sent this in, then please do change

your real name to that. It will be infinitely better than what you've currently got. And he's writing on the subject of my micro-bugles, which for legal purposes, I've entitled the games that I've been covered as the Londonian 5772 Namiyan games. He writes, dear Andy Christian John John in order of Olympics events visited. Yeah, I'm definitely ahead there. What's your current title? Well, I've got five in the next six days, so I'm currently on zero zero. So you're level nothing like with John. Yeah. I've just been to I think my 14th. I'll be on 16 by the end of today, which will put me at the half-five point. You're almost catching up to Michael Phelps. Yeah.

I've been to nearly as many as Prince William. That's an amazing thing. Make me sit. Everything. I think he's serving dinner and the athletes' village as well. He's often at two different events at the same time. He's magic though, he makes our teams win. It's clear to me that Andy's inspired retighting of this year's corporate sports day was lacking a suitable logo, so I took the liberty of designing

one. The Gordy Numerals were a given, but they set on a background of the pillars from the side of the original Namean games. The Reath-based symbol would be familiar to all bugleers and features while celery leaves, again from the ancient games. Finally, the unofficial motto of the bugle has been rendered in Greek to add that final authentic flourish. And also, he's used rings. Don't necessarily look... Oh, I see, they are the the reeds. But they kind of look slightly like Olympic rings in the shape of a cock and ball. And the muscle of the vehicle, and the Gammesu Chris, I think. Yeah, I think I worked that one out. Very good. Very good.

Classics, do you agree to help me along with that? The rest of you can probably work it out. Quality, you could use of time there, Aristotle. So do keep your emails coming into info at thebugelpodcast.com. Don't forget to check out our SoundCloud page. SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen bugle, where the website, thebugelpodcast.com and the daily micro-bugles will continue to go up this week, assuming that I do not fall asleep for 36 hours at some point. The The

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The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The The century. But men's team's saber fencing final, it doesn't get any bigger than that, John. Oh, that's going to be huge. Just hope it doesn't lead to an increase in knife crime around London. Let's just finish on a serious note. Goodbye, Bueglers. May the sport be with you and

with your spirit. Bye!