The Bugle - Bugle 204 – What the Feck

Episode Date: August 10, 2012

Andy and John prepare for life post Olympics, paying tribute to the greatest diver of all time. In other news, Madonna starts a Pussy Riot Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, me Hugh Gloves, and welcome to issue 204 of the Bugle, the world's primary source of hope and facts for the week beginning Monday, the 1st of gloomuary in the year 1, a whole 2012, oh, it's all going to be over over by Monday but then why isn't anyone thought about what happens to everyone then there are gonna be people wandering around the streets of London 2012 weeping what do you mean it was only for fun oh we're not very farbley the third greatest nation in the world what the f*** it was all a John f***ing swizz first the empire and now this man that is annoying how am I gonna last four years without being able to remember to care about rowing?

So tough times for this nation, old money, this is the bugle for the week beginning Monday, 13th August 2012, under three weeks to go until our parallel impact starts. Let's clutch it, those straws. Okay, I'm Andy Sonsman, almost, but not quite sported out here in London. And in New York City, USA, it's John Oliver. Hello Andy, hello, Bughlers. Andy, I fear that the curse of the Bughal has struck again. Because previous to last week,

I have compared myself to zero Olympic divers in my life last week. I compared myself to one Olympic diver, the German Stefan Fek, who, according to the internet, is the same height and weight as me, my point being that I technically have the body of an Olympic diver. Just a throwaway comment, Andy.

Just a joke, no harm meant or done. And the first, an only mention of Stefan Fek in the history of the view will so far. If I'm completely honest, I wasn't ever imagining bringing up his name again. However, days later Andy, literally days later, I'll witness Stefan feck jump off a three meter diving board, spin in the air, lose control of his legs, and land flat on his back in what one outlet described as, and I quote, a devastating backward belly flop, which, which as far as I'm personally concerned, Andy, is a compliment.

Because it was spectacular. As a dive, Andy, it was a feast for the senses, because it wasn't just how it looked, it was how it sounded. The crack of a near naked body, smashing into the unforgiving surface of the water is a gift to the ears Especially when you add the ooze of the crowd and the wind being physically smashed out of Stefan Fex chest It was a symphony of pain and what scored did he get handy?

He got 0.0s across the board from the judges. Are you fucking kidding me, Andy? Were they watching the same dive that I was? Because I saw a man reinventing the sport of diving before my eyes. What? What are the judges looking for? I know in general they're looking at grace through the air and entry into the water

with as little splash as possible. But what if someone gives you the opposite of that? You cannot say that that has no value, Andy. Well, I mean, I think also we've got to say clearly, Stefan Feck is a big bugle listener. He's heard last week that you and he have exactly the same bodies. Yes. But he has now dived like you would have dived. That's true. I think you probably got an extra one and a half turns in there, but still, in terms of the entry, you're basically right. Well, are you wearing a what would John Oliver do bracelet?

I didn't see. I'll look it up on YouTube again. It's definitely worth a look. I do think he raised a point of the IOC needs to seriously look into changing the judging requirements for diving now, because there should be points available for the funniness of a dive. It's just as subjective as any of the other judging criteria. The Chinese divers, for instance, have been absolutely magnificent this year, but not very funny at all. I would love to hear commentators say, well, to buy a shantel of Belgium up next,

he's gonna be attempting a half-summersault with a single panicked leg kick followed by two and a half screams of, oh shit, before landing face first into the water. This dive potentially has a high degree of funniness. And here he goes. I nailed it! Outstanding dive, the judges are in hysterics.

I can see one pounding the table in laughter. A supplier is helped semi-conscious out of the water with one of his testicles now visible out the corner of his speedos. Tremendous stuff from the Belgian. Ha, ha, ha. I've got a lot of things to be nice to see. I kind of cartoon, someone just charging on the end

of a board, hanging in the middle, looking downwards, and then just plummeting straight into the water. Let's get diving back to its roots. Well, I think Stefan Feck has given the world one of the most memorable moments of the 2012 Olympics, Andy, and we should all be grateful. His very name should become a descriptive term in the English language from now on. Doing a Stefan Feck should describe failing at something so spectacularly that you actually do something more incredible than the thing you were originally attempting to do in the first place.

Of course, look, his name did not help with the story of this, Andy. One British newspaper ran with a headline, O Fek, with the photo of him hitting the water, and they perfectly horizontal, 190 degrees. They, in doing so, passed up the opportunity to go with Holy Fec, or German diver in huge, Fec up, or Fec-ing hell. That must have hurt like Fec! Amazingly, not everyone has had as instinctively joyous a response to this. I'll do that Andy. The German swimming legend and four time gold medalist Roland Matis, heavily criticised, fake, called him shameful and unworthy. Well, f*** you, Roland!

Let me tell you how many dives are remembered from this Olympics. It's one Roland and it's Stefan Fexdive. And let me tell you how many times I remember from your entire career Roland, zero. In fact, I didn't even know you were a diver until I read that quote from you about Stefan Fex, who I have heard of because he's the guy that did the funniest dive in a Olympics history. With all due respect to Greg Ligonis. Yeah. Yeah. That's right. He proved him at the end. That's a good point, Andy.

I just don't think Greg Ligonis was just too hor- It's because it was concrete. It was just too horrifying. He was an amazing guy. He was an amazing guy. He was the free meter springboard, not a springboard. Was it really? Yeah.

I think it's a bit of a concrete one. I'm not sure he'd have recovered in time to take part in the final. The point is, I'm truly proud that we trumpeted Stefan Fek, even before he'd done anything worth trumpeting. And I would like to now declare formally, Stefan Fek, the official three-meter diver of the bugle. I think, in fact, I would like to offer Stefan Fek. I think the bugle should try and sponsor him at the next World Diving Championships

and the on the sole condition that he do exactly the same dive again. Also, in the micro-bugle on Thursday morning, I predicted that you'd say in bolt would win the 219.33 seconds. And what did he win the 219.33 seconds and what did he want to do? 119.32. Whoa. Pretty close. You're the Colin Jackson of the Bugle there. That's right. So but more so arguably. And I've never screwed up on a Olympic final like he did. Not once. Not once. That loser. That multiple world title winning loser. Top story this week. South Korea's president has controversially visited like Japanese island in a move

Which is set to increase diplomatic tensions over disputed territory. Uh, actually hold on a second. Addy hold on Just kidding Andy. Did you honestly think it was gonna be anything else other than the Olympics? As Samuel Johnson once wrote, Andy, when a man is tired of the London Olympics, he is a f***ing asshole, Andy. Samuel Johnson was right then, and he is even right now. Final Olympics update now! Oh Andy, it's nearly over. No, it's very difficult. It's going to be very difficult.

I'm going to need a lot of support and help. On Sunday, the Olympics will have a closing ceremony and both Britain and Britain's own Andy Zoltzmann will stare into the void of nothingness before gleefully awarding themselves the gold medal for having an existential crisis. I personally can't recall a point in my lifetime Andy when Britain has been this happy. No, I'm not sure there has ever been. I think we've maxed out. I think, yeah, I've been only talking

about Queen Victoria's streak through Hyde Park on her car. So, but not as many people saw that Andy, she didn't have the ratings. That was a word of mouth thing. And you can't describe the glory of seeing Queen Victoria wheezing and sweating her way naked, touching a tree and then running back home

It sounds amazing, but it looked sensational Yeah, I don't think Britain has ever has I think you're right I think that this is the happiest Britain has ever been and probably ever will be yeah, at least until we get awarded the 2018 World Balls Championships Yeah, it's been phenomenal. I was just saying last week, it's all these people working for nothing. People going to see sports,

they simply don't understand. It's, this is the future for our nation, John. We just need joy in the simple things in life. The simple things like a Quester in dress. Well, I mean, that's a good point. I mean, we've been winning gold medals all over the place. The most important of which was just yesterday when Britain, as you mentioned, won gold in the dressage in a huge f*** you to Mitt Romney.

As we mentioned last week, one of Mitt Romney's horses, Rafalka, was competing in the dressage, making him the first American presidential candidate to actually own an Olympic athlete, I believe, since Thomas Jefferson, who wants own day 400 metre herd look all Trevor, but the lesser the amount that the better. The point is, the Romney came over to England, Andy, and he said the Olympics would be terrible. And so we sat back, knowing that we had the opportunity to hit him where it really hurts. By beating his stupid horse in the stupid horse dancing. I think when we accepted our gold medals in the dresser's hand, if athletes should have just each raised a middle finger on the podium into the air.

Just to drive the point to Romney that he and his horse are both a bunch of f***ing losers. Yeah, I mean, we've now proved ourselves to have the danceiest horses in the whole of the horseyverse. And no one pronged his better. No, I'm a Spoon dog, it's one of the greatest achievements in British history. I think it's up there with Faraday inventing whatever invented, what was it?

The toast, toast is sandwich maker, I think, wasn't it? Yeah, I think it was. Brennan was here. The Breville machine. toasted sandwich maker, I think, wasn't it? Yeah, I think it was. Breading was, yeah. Yeah, the bread full machine. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Since we last recorded a full bugle, as listen to my Londony and 5772 in the million games microbeagles will know, I've seen you, Saint Bolt run the semis and finals of both 100 and 200 meters, John, and I think, when it's been an amazing thing to see, and I think that it has laid to rest any lingering dispute over whether or not you saying bolts is a fast man. I think those arguments are now over, and it was amazing to be at the centre of the sportive us for those 10 magnificent seconds.

The fastest a group of men have ever run in a straight line at least since Henry VIII said, now which of you guys has got a daughter who could do a job as my third wife, whilst playing keeping up with Amber Lin's head. And on Thursday, last night, as we record, I saw the 200 metre von Wendt Bolt, perhaps John inspired by your rant against Michael Phelps, and his claims to be the greatest ever Olympian on last week's Bugle. Put himself right in contention

at the top of the list of greatest ever Olympians by retaining both Sprint Titles. Alongside the likes of Phelps, Carl Lewis, Nadia Commonich, Jesse Owens and Champion, the Wonder Horse, who took Golden a question in dressage and showed jumping in 1952 and 56 before taking Golden the men's 400-meter hurdles in Rome in 1960 before being disqualified after his urine tested positive for being a horse. But it was a major, but first man ever to attain both sprint titles, Jesse Owen was denied that opportunity by a range of factors. Firstly, the 1940 Olympics being postponed due to Hitler being a very naughty man.

And also by the fact that he had his amateur status withdrawn soon after the 36 Olympics by the US Athletic Authorities after taking up some commercial endorsement offers and therefore it was unable to compete in any future Olympics had they happened. So I think it's fair to say that Owens, it's not quite the rewards for success that Bolt can expect now, Bolt presumably already doing quite well financially out of being the fastest man in the history of anything, one of the greatest showmen in the history of sport and a lifelong fan of visa cards, whereas Jesse Owens did not even receive a well-done and thank you telegram from President Roosevelt. And when he was given a reception in his

honour in New York City after the 36 games at the Waldorfic Astoria Hotel, he was given this reception in his honour, he had to take the freight elevator up to that reception because he was black. Is that true? That is true. Yeah. This is holy shit. It shows how how much progress has been made thanks to the people like him. Also how slow America was out of the blocks in that particular race. Yes. And Owen's ended up trying to make a living by racing against horses. Yeah. And he said, this is a quote from him, he said, people said it was degrading for an Olympic champion to run against a horse.

But what was I supposed to do? I had four gold medals, but you can't eat four gold medals. He didn't fall out, but they were at least not at once. And also, I reckon you could probably give it a go. You know, mass them up into some squelts up potatoes, maybe a bit of gold leaf in a soup or on a Pavlov or chunk it down into peanut butter. I guess the greatest problem is you can eat four gold medals,

but they're not very nutritious. And you need to industrial equipment to whittle them down to swallow bull-sized bits that wouldn't kill you as you attempted to digest them. But I guess his point does stand. I think he's got a way up there, John. He's Michael Johnson's greatest ever Olympian, Jesse Owen still, but I think Bolt is now, he's up on that podium. He's got to be up there. The big story, as you mentioned, the big track and filter of

the week is that you've saying, I am fucking fast, Bolt, it's still fucking fast. What was it? What was it like seeing a man moving that quickly in the flesh, Andy? Must be quite weird. It is quite weird. It's all over very quickly. And it's an amazingly, it's an amazingly intense emotional experience to be a, you know,

it's the greatest sporting event in the world. Basically, 10 seconds out of every four years. As I said on the micro-bugle podcast, it is a simple sport gets, you know, get from here to here in a straight line faster than anyone else. And it's just, it is a phenomenal visual face that you can't quite take in when you're watching it. You know, so you've seen him four times, Andy, that equals almost to the 10th of a second

you've seen him run for 60 seconds. Yeah. you know, in terms of pounds per minute, pounds per second that I've spent on what you say in Bolt. He's doing pretty well out of it, but I would say those pounds were well spent. Yeah, one of the interesting things they're imposing with it that started to creep into the 100 meter final is that each competitor is now doing a little opening dance or gesture as the camera introduces them And I'm all for this Andy just in Gatlin did a weird backwards and forwards walk and you signpolted a little mime of a DJ scratching Before pointing both fingers towards the finish line, which he was about to move towards very fucking quickly indeed Now clearly these opening mimes are getting extremely popular

I think it's important that lots of imagination goes into taking them to the next level from now on. Well, here we go, the 100 meter final in lane one. It's a suffer pile of Jamaica. There he is, Mimey whisking together, eggs and flour and a bowl. I think he's making some kind of cake. He's popped it in the oven. Now he's Mimey taking it out.

He's acting like it's very hot. And he's offering the other races a slice super stuff. In lane 2 it's Terandri Martiner of the Netherlands. He's mimey reading great expectations by Charles Dickens. Seems to be really enjoying it but nice fall asleep with it on his stomach. Terandri looks nice and loose there. In lane 3. Justin Gatlin of the United States, Justin is giving us a Kabuki dance interpretation, telling the story of the 47 Ronin who tracked down their enemy in exact revenge upon him before committing Sapuku, as required by their code of honor, a moving performance. That's classic Gatlin.

He could be dangerous today. In lane 4, it's Richard Torpedo, Thomson of Trinidad and Tobago. He's frozen still, acting like one of those street statue artists. I think he's trying to be the Churchill statue from outside Parliament. Don't really get that one. Doesn't really work for me. In lane 5, it's you saying bot. He has put up a white screen and he's doing some shadow hand puppetry showing himself, beating a giraffe in a race.

Always something new from bot. Next to him in lane 6, it's Johann Blake. Blake is acting like he's trapped in a box. Now he's signaling there's nowhere in that box and he's dropped dead to the floor in this investigation. And finally in lane 7 it's Ryan Bailey of the United States who is prancing around like a dressage horse with Tyson Gay in lane 8 on his back wearing a top hat. So with all the sprinting introductions over this he sent up to me, I sent a sensational race. Before the 200 meter final, Bolt was basically trying to chat up the woman who was monitoring his blocks. And to him, I didn't see. He

mimed unplugging the full start mechanism. Is that true? Oh, that's awesome. But I must be so intimidating to have this before, you have the most important sporting of any of your life. Your prime competitor, dicking around. Well, we have to uncoiled. That is the greatest psychological warfare in history. We should have tried that with the Germans

in the first world war. So looking all serious face to the battle of the sun. We should have come over the top and just started like break dancing. I think it was at the World Championships. It was a certain meet about a year ago when he was at the 100-metre start line and the camera came across him. He looked to his left, shook his head, looked to his right, shook his head, pointed at himself and nodded his head. I think basically the entire crowd fundamentally agreed with it. You do have to have the speed to back that up.

Yes. Where I to do that on the start line of an Olympic 100 meters, well for a start I've been rapidly carted away having not qualified. Well if I had qualified I'd be asked to piss extremely hard into a bucket. But you've got you, I mean he's earned, I guess he's earned the rights to work the room like that. In other amazing Olympic news, a member of the American 4x400 meter relay team yesterday broke his leg during the race and still managed to finish.

The athlete's name is Manté O'Mitchell. He started off the race and he broke his leg about halfway through his 400 feet. He said, as soon as I took the first step past the 200m mark, I felt it break. I didn't want to let the three guys or the team down so I just ran on it. No, I guess you never know how you would react in a situation for sure, Andy. But I'm guessing that I would immediately in that situation for sure Andy, but I'm guessing that I would immediately in that situation have fallen to the floor

before screaming out, ah, I've broken my leg. Somebody helped me immediately. I no longer care about this race or indeed any of my teammates on account of the fact, I just broke my fucking leg, ah, my leg hurts. But it gets better. The US team still came second and qualified because he managed to finish his opening lap in 46.1 seconds. And I couldn't run the 400 meters that quickly with zero broken legs.

And it is amazing to me that Mansai say I'm Mitchell could legitimately say to someone, I could beat you around this track with a broken leg and be correct about it. I guess it depends how badly broken, you know. If you've been properly done over by some hide goons with crowbars at the 200 meter mark, different story. Different story entirely.

I saw last night, I also saw for the first time in my life, I saw live and athletics world record being broken in the 800 meters David Rudishert, he young Kenyan broke his own world record and it was, it is an amazing thing to see a person do something that has never ever been done before. Now listeners to the Michael Bills will have heard me waxing extremely, almost creepily

lyrical about the athletically gorgeous Allison Felix, who is unquestionably your go-to lady, John, if you want someone to deliver an urgent handwritten note or snack to someone who was standing about 120 yards away, but around a bend in a river that then straightens out. She's a woman who are on so beautifully, make sure to get down on your hands and knees and thank whatever God happens to be present at the time for inventing hip joints. And Rudisha is, who's the male, Alison Felix, and he runs four times as far, which I guess

makes him your go-to man if you want someone to act as an intermediary in a domestic argument in which two spouses are standing stroppily on opposite sides of an oblong shaped ancient hill fort of 400 meters in circumference, blaming each other for forgetting to bring the right children with them for their family days out, in which Blame and counterblame were exchanged twice before the police are called just as the third set of insults is about to be traded. By which I mean, he's very good at running 800 meters around an athletic strain. But it bolts tactics in 100 meters, we're no real surprise. You know, start fast, get faster and then keep going fast. But reduce it basically to the same for 800 meters,

breaking his own world record at a distance. I think it's only had three world record set in the last 30 years. He led from soup to cheese, running as if he'd been injected with a pure liquefied Chopin piano sonata. It's fine, it's only athletics in hunting, not performance in hunting. As if he'd swallowed the pathon and then been on a date with all three of Canova's three graces.

He picked it so fast that six of the other seven guys ran personal career bests, meaning that it was one of those rare occasions in sports when they defeated Shake hands with their conqueror at the end and say, well done, and thank you very much. As you say John, Britain has been in a state of ludicrous and joyous over excitement mostly, particularly the people going to and staffing the events. And it has been a great time to bury bad news. The latest economic figures that have come out have shown that basically we are still up to this, possibly because people have just taken two weeks off work, physically and mentally. And also you just worry about what's going to turn up, the things that we've not noticed in the last two weeks, latest government scheme where by all children who fail literary test,

age seven will be humanly put down. I mean it won't be popular but ultimately possibly good for the economy. That Chinese president Huzion Tao has just been installed as third and ninth of the throne. Does seem sensible. They should have married as Prince of San, often in the 70s on the head of the chance. And also that all old people over the age of 75, who got tickets for the Olympics, will be killed.

But I cannot have everything. And also that George Osborne has now been revealed as the real Jack the Ripper, Osborne aged 174, has maintained his youthful smug looks by drinking homeopathic Queen Victoria's blood from droplets that he acquired in 1873 at a party. There we go. Buzzer Buzzer Buzzer

Russian Orthodox Church and punk music update now. And what about... What about... What about it? What about it? What? That What a buy-a-flon that is. What? What? That has a real test of your all-round abilities. If you can take any of this.

And it's his hip-tathlet. Anyone can do that. Anyone can jump over his own hurdles and chuck some things and jump around. But if you can combine the Russian Orthodox Church and punk music, you are a true all-rounder. Ha-ha. A band of three Russian women called Pussy Riot

are currently on trial in Russia. That was my nickname of school. LAUGHTER That's... I don't know why that surprises me so little Andy. I'm just waiting for my body to go into shock, but who gave you the nickname? You've had to seem natural.

Oh, it was a mistranslation. LAUGHTER They're currently on trial in Russia, after being accused of wearing brightly-colored balaclavas and singing an anti-putin punk prayer in the Cathedral of Christ the Savior in Moscow. They've already been imprisoned for five months on charges of hooliganism and they were initially facing up to seven years in jail at this trial. It seems like the anti-putin part of the anti-putin song is the key problem.

The song called on the Virgin Mary to help them get rid of Putin, but I don't know how they thought the Virgin Mary was going to do that exactly, but you know, desperate times call for desperate measures. And what Pussy Riot are a punk band, I guess that is no real surprise, you know what you're getting with a band called Pussy Riot, Andy punk band. I guess that is no real surprise. You know what you're getting with a band called Pussy Riot, Andy, you're getting punk music.

You are not getting a string quartet. You never gonna go to the Royal Albert Hall and hear the announcement next on tonight's program, performing heightened string quartet, to open 76 number one in G major. Please welcome Pussy Riot. Well, you really clearly never saw the cockhammer accapella quartets.

Ha ha ha. Was that off the top of your head, Andy? Well, did the cockhammer accapella quartet? Is that something that just... What do you say? Is that off the top of my head? If you're saying, do I have the commemorative cockhammer ass? Yes, I do.

He's wearing a hair. What a performance. Moats off the record. Awesome. The Toronto's caused a big stir in raster, and the husband of one of the women involved has been keeping an amazing diary of each day in court. Apparently it's been quite a spectacle, the defenders have been kept in a glass box and there is a huge dog in the middle of the courtroom who barks crazily whenever anyone raises their voice.

It's amazing. That sounds like something they've missed out in the Olympic cycling. They've got a race that started with a guy that motorized, but motorized bicycle, but he a motorbike going round, always pulls out, cheapens the victory for the person who are on the bike. But having a large dog barking, if you had the cyclist dressed as postman and a large dog starting the race.

Oh, that'll be fantastic. Also, the witnesses of the prosecution have been calling sound particularly amazing. The husband wrote that, I quote, a woman who looks after the candles in the church testifies. She says she saw the girls devilish twitching and committing impudence. Is this a court case from the mid-twelfth century, Andy? I think that's the last time either of those judges were leveled in a woman. I think the devilish twitching around for Jamaica in the 400 meters. Yeah.

Then the witness stand really took it up a crazy peg because a man stepped up and said, the girls had placed themselves in hell that they declared war on God. That hell is as real as the Moscow subway. Really? Does that mean hell is as beautiful as the Moscow subway, Andy?

Is it as famously architecturally breathtaking? Or is he saying as the Moscow subway, Andy? Is it as famously architecturally breathtaking? Or is he saying that the Moscow subway, like hell, does not necessarily exist, and may just exist as a state of mind in the true believer? Or as a third option, is this guy f**king mental? It's got to be one of those three. Well, what you would expect in any disputes involving the Russian States and the Russian Orthodox Church is for Madonna to get involved.

And I'm going to tap myself and all the Russian State and Church disputes, she was there. Of course, on the streets of St. Petersburg in 1917, I think in early version of Luka Virgin. on the streets of St Petersburg in 1917, a senior in early version of Larkovurgin. But she was, she stepped in and expressed her support for Pussywright, and a senior Russian official has called her a moralising slut, or the Russian term for slut, in response to this, which, when seems, sir? Well, seems a little bit, I mean mean he could certainly quibble with her

certain aspects of her musical output over the last 20 years. That seems far more relevant than just podcasting these personal insults at her, but it doesn't just that Madonna could definitely have the role resolving international disputes. I'd like to see Madonna deployed to the Middle East, John. I think she could be the one to bring the Israelis and the Palestinians together in uniting admiration of getting into the groove. Well, she's got a bit of a previous on this talk, because on this current European tour,

she caused a stir in France by putting up a picture of Marine Le Pen with a swastik or another face. Now she has done this concert in Moscow, we're writing Pussy Riot on her back and wearing one of their signature colourful balaclavas. Basically she's been going all across Europe, travelling the continent, somehow managing to make everyone's problems all about her. And as you say, the Russian official, who was a deputy prime minister and a former ambassador to NATO, he called on moralising slot and went on to say, either take off the cross or put on underpants. Interesting, I believe that was the exact argument that thousands of abuse children

made to their Catholic priest standing. Cut, either take over the cross or put it on under, you can't have it both ways. There was a spectacular quote as well from one man railing a gangster band who said, you wouldn't insult your parents and in the same way you wouldn't defecate in a church. That is literally apropos of nothing, and it's still a pretty eye-catching sentence, because you could insult your parents, that's not against the law,

and nor is defigating in a church, as long as it's in any of the designated bathrooms in that church, or as a genuine unavoidable accent. And those women weren't doing either of those things, so that mansologic is as real as the Moscow Subway. People all over the world are showing their solidarity for the members of Pussy Riot by wearing their trademark colourful Balaklava's and you and I are both wearing colourful Balaklava's right now. You obviously can't see that, but you might be able to slightly hear it. Although, just to be clear, we're both wearing very intricate balaclavas in the

colourful but intensely realistic patterns of each other's faces. As it happens, we do that anyway for all bugle recordings. It's nothing to do with the pussy right girls whatsoever. It started way back. I think it was something to do with wearing them so that if either of us ever robbed a bank, we could blame it on the other. LAUGHTER MUSIC Your emails now, this Olympic themed email comes in from Richard who writes, Dear the Bugle, that nice and concise start. It appears that some American tabloid called the New York Times has engaged in some dubious restructuring of the Olympics medal stable.

They've ranked countries in order of total medals gained rather than gold medals. This changed coincidentally has elevated the US from number two on the list to head honchos and dropped Team GB from third to fourth. Oh that is ridiculous. Everyone knows that the system of writing one gold medal above 55 silvers and 83 bronzes is the fairest way of judging. Yes. Shame on you. Shame. In fact, it's been a ridiculous, ridiculous Olympics. I'm not sure that country's going to be able to calm down and return to reality. We've had a daily dose of vicarious achievement that has absolutely nothing to do with us. It's awesome.

Other than the fact that we've funded the lottery. Anyway, he carries on. Therefore, I'd like to propose an alternative to their alternative. rather than the fact that we funded the lottery. But anyway, he carries on. Therefore, I'd like to propose an alternative to their alternative, Olympics medal stable as of 9th of August at 21 30 hours, Team GB in Northern Ireland and former members of the British Empire, 79 gold, 69 silver, 77 bronzes.

Next up, China, 37 gold, 23 silver, 77 bronzes. Next up, China, 37 gold, 23 silver, 19 bronzes. Where the greatest empire building nation in the world? And I guess that is including the total from your current country. John, that's part, he continues as part of the glorious team GB and Northern Ireland and Empire. I included the nations of Jamaica, Trinidad and Tobago, New Zealand, Australia, Ireland,

brackets, sorry. Cypress, India, you could put that's not that is not official apology. You could put brackets, sorry, after all of these nations. And that is so true. Or at least bracket, sorry, and you're welcome. Cypress, sorry, you're welcome and whoops. Sorry, welcome and well, sorry. Cypress, India, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, India, Malaysia, Kenya, South Africa, Botswana, Egypt, Canada,

and a group of ex-colonies who'd call themselves the United States of America. You can conclude if we can conconations as quickly as we can cycle around a small indoor track with banked edges whilst wearing a giant, like a one piece condom outfit, then we will parade together at Rio 2016 once again. Viva revolution. Rich on it. That's what Viva revolution, that revolution was the problem in the first place.

It's more that revolution. There's another great email from Rebecca WoLACCU, says, dear John Andy and Chris, in order of proximity to my current location, yes or no, you're wondering how I know Andy's closer than Chris. Let's just say there are more satellites up there than the US acknowledges. He says, as a recent Middle East history graduate,

I try to stay in the know about current events in the Middle East. So I found it absolutely hilarious when I typed in Syria on iTunes and the bugle was the first podcast on the list. Yes, I found this highly amusing as your podcast is obviously the only proper news organisation to get news from. I would also wager that if you do two more podcasts with 10 minutes of Syrian content, the regime will fall. If you're up for it, just send a response

we can hammer out the details. Waiting patiently for Sylvia Boelas going his fantastic return to power, Rebecca. Well, I mean, look Andy, we took down Hosni. Yeah. Don't push it, I saw. That's what I mean. He's pretty visibly pushing it. Don't push it any harder. I saw a Syrian high jumper in the high jumper

qualifying as one does. And it's got this really, really kind of get a flaws from the crowd and it's high jumpers do, kind of clapping his hands over on joints and in rhythm. And you could slightly feel some of the crowd thinking, well hang on, can you first tell us who side you're on? LAUGHTER

Because whether we should be moving you all the way over the bar. Thank you very much, Dukey, and coming in to info at thebugelpodcast.com and don't forget to check out our SoundCloud page, SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen bugle, where you can get all the microbugles and all the bugles since we were granted independence by generous benefactors at times. And I will do three more micro-buegles for Saturday, Sunday, and a final staring into the bleak chasm of no sportingness on Monday morning. What is Monday's micro-bueg? Is he just going to be you sobbing slightly inaudibly in the background? What's the point?

What's the point? What's the point? It's going to be like Churchill's funeral, but more so. Well, that's it for this week's B-Goat. If you live in the United States of America and he's going to be making, actually it's not you, yeah, I suppose it technically is your US stand-up debut. Yeah. Isn't it? Because it was just a kind of that, the scientist character in my special.

Yeah. So this is your stand-up debut in the United States. Yeah. So it's from this. So it's from this. So it's from this. So it's from this. So it's from this.

So it's from this. So it's from this. So it's from this. So it's from this. So it's from this. So it's from this. So it's from this. So it's the live floor show. I was in the last ever episode of both. I destroyed those two shows, John, be warned. Yeah, I'm three series deep, Andy,

so this is taking a huge risk. Can we get it in Britain at all or not? I don't think so. You don't deserve it in Britain, Andy. You got medals instead. That's right. We don't need it. Thanks for listening to Google as we'll be back next week in the start of a new post-Olympics era.

God. Help us. you