The Bugle - Bugle 205 – The Trojan Horse

Episode Date: August 17, 2012

Andy and John recover from the Olympics by diving into the US elections. Apparently they happen later this year Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello, Bugleers and welcome to issue 205 of the Bugle for the week beginning Monday, the 20th of August 2012. I am Andy Soltzmann alone and bereft in the city that was London 2012, the nation that was Team GB and the planet that was London 2012, the nation that was Team GB and the planet that was Sportopia. And in New York City the city that wisely avoided hosting the Olympics and therefore isn't having to go through this very painful cold turkey process. It's John Oliver! Hello Andy, hello Bueggers, I guess that's it Andy, if you can't handle the calm down, don't take the class A sport truck. I guess first off, Annie, the question that I'm sure

is on everyone's mind is, are you okay, Andy? Well, I wonder if it's been one of the toughest weeks of my life, John? I mean, the Olympics is finally over. I know that can't be easy for you. Have you been watching YouTube videos of the 1960s, Roman Olympics just to try and wing yourself off sport? Well, yeah, I mean,'s some of those some terrific stuff in that Olympics as well. So um, uh, I was wondering, I was wondering, and if you've been forcing your children to participate in an Olympic style event around the house just to come down slowly,

you know, instead of hurdles, get them to run around the garden jumping over boxes. Instead of fencing, putting a colander on each of their heads and getting them to hit each other with pieces of copper piping Instead of throwing the discos, standing them at the top of the stairs and seeing how far they could throw the plates And instead of throwing the hammer, just having them throw actual hammers at each other I was watching the closing ceremony Andy half expecting to see you burst into the middle of the arena screaming no Don't do it. The Olympics is only over if we say it is.

If we don't officially close it, it never has to end. Who's with me? We can do this! Well, we basically invented the Olympics, John, through both the ancient Greece, which of course subsequently became British society. And the modern Olympics, that, you know, Ducuba Town was inspired to form after a visit to Britain. So, I mean, we surely have the right to just extend them. Yeah.

As long as possible, John. We kept, I mean, it's already become clear in the few-dicents the Olympics ended that reality is still as shit as it was before the Olympics. It is an act of grotesque governmental irresponsibility to have allowed that to happen. As always a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. Well, it isn't this week. There is no section in the bin. Life is in the bin. Oh, God, this is what I was worried about. Well, at least there's some cricket on, but we're being stuffed by the South Africans again. I hope to.

Top story this week, US presidential election 2012. Vote or sigh. And I think that the US presidential election season is actually the perfect way for you to transition from your addiction to the Olympics, because they actually have a lot in common those two events. Think about it. The whole thing happens every four years. It's two people racing each other. After going round or round in circles, one will eventually be declared the winner. It's incredibly expensive to put on and there's just as much corporate involvement that slightly soils the whole event. It's perfect, family. It's like a nicotine patch for a debilitating sport addiction. And there was a big development this week. Mitt Romney finally picked his running

mate and he went with Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan, a move which seemed to energize the base of the Republican Party who loved to be energized by conservative picks around this time of year. Now some people might say, why the hoopla? It's only the vice president. Why is everyone getting excited over a largely ceremonial role? Well, because that is simply no longer the case.

You are thinking with a pre-year 2000 mentality. Because it was around that time that Dick Cheney managed to successfully change his job description into something significantly more powerful than the job he signed up for. With Cheney, the Republicans seem to unlock their ideal formula for a presidential ticket, a sinister puppet master pulling the strings of a happy-go-lucky wooden boy. The aim for the Republicans at the start of any search for a presidential candidate is now to find a nominee who's essentially an empty amiable husk, just palatable enough to disguise the poisonous substance of their running mate.

Think about the track record, Bush, Cheney, McCain, Paolin, and now Romney Ryan, because Paul Ryan might look like an average midwestern, good-looking man who was walking down the street when a Brooks brother's story exploded all over him. But he wants to end Medicare and spend the last few years driving John Boehner, the speaker of the house here, into almost unprecedented levels of obstructionism. Now, you might think,

why don't Republicans just nominate the person they actually want in the first place? Why don't they just nominate Paul Ryan if they like him so much? Well, because they know that you cannot shoot pure heroin at the end of the year. It will fucking kill you. You have to cut it with baking soda,

and that is what they've done here. I cannot tell you, Beauty, with the amount of empirical research that John has done to that joke. Ever since his troubled early teenage years in Bedford. They're heroin capital of arts, beds and bucks. When in Rome? Well, yes, it seems like many Republicans too love the concept of women having all the possible babies that they may or may not

want, and of poor people retaining the God-given rights to die untreated in the maximum amount of pain. So I guess you should appealing clearly to the Republican heartland. That's right, Andy, but what you're selling is not something that you can appeal to people with on the top half of your ticket. So that's why this system they found work.

It's hard when you give a dog a pill for worms. It's never gonna eat that pill on its own. The pill is clearly disgusting. So you hide that pill in a bowl of cottage cheese. And if the Republicans have their way, Andy, come November, America is going to have cottage cheese all over its face and not realise what is just eating. The concept is nothing new. Look at the ancient Greeks. They invented democracy. And when they sacked the city of Troy, they didn't just show up with a bunch of crazy Greeks. They put a bunch of crazy Greeks inside an empty wooden horse. What I'm saying is, Romney is that empty wooden horse

and Paul Ryan is a bunch of crazy Greeks. I don't remember that horse being quite as much of a dick though. LAUGHTER All right, that is a one floor in that metaphor Andy, but that is a fair point. So the Trojans would have said, let's get rid of this f***ing horse. This horse is an asshole. Also, this horse does not have a ludicrous way.

It's all stupid classical music. This horse does not pay enough taxes. And you just hate the success of horses, honestly. You're trying to punish the success of that horse. But that is the concern with this election in November. The Democrats have an old-fashioned ticket. They're stuck in the 20th century, and in a time when the vice president

was just supposed to be America's clown. Accidentally, insulting people during state visits, giving thumbs up to people at a funeral, maybe swearing at some school children, just generally causing a distraction. Under the modern Republican Party, all of that is the president's job, providing a smoke screen while the Machiavellian vice president pushes through things without anyone noticing.

If the Democrats, Andy, want to show a real intention to the country that they intend to get things done over the next four years. They have three weeks before their own convention to switch their ticket around and send a message. It's got to be Biden Obama 2012. Change you won't even realize is happening. I promise you, Buglas, this could really work. If we had lived under President Biden since 2008, Vice President Obama would have been able to get through a public option for healthcare, stimulus package twice the size of the one that America got, a comprehensive immigration bill, and he would have been able to close

Guantanamo. All the while, President Biden distracted everyone by charmingly and slightly racistly screwing up African dancers on the White House lawn. Well it's interesting that the you know there's this change that you uh you pick out among in the role of uh vice presidents um because as you say always been traditionally viewed as pointless uh FDR's first VP John Nance Garner uh observed that the office is not worth a bucket of warm spit um now the other version of the quotation is that it is not worth a bucket of warm spit. Now the other version of the quotation is that it is not worth a bucket of warm piss. Now let's think about which one is more likely and which one has been clearly moderated for public use. I mean when you filled up a bucket with spit that's quite a lot of spit that takes. That is going to

clearly cool to ambient room temperature. So you would have to reheat it to get a bucket of warm spit. Whereas piss, I mean, you're going straight in with that. He clearly said piss. He clearly said it's worth a bucket of warm piss. He's having a great historian of human language. Well, that's what you've got to read between the lines on these things. The 28th Vice President Thomas R. Marshall lamented once there were two brothers. One went away to see the other was elected Vice President,

and nothing was heard of either of them again. And interestingly, Theodore Roosevelt admitted to sleeping through sessions, and according to one source, enrolled in law school whilst Vice President because of boredom. And this shows the kind of desperation that the office of Vice President can drive someone to, that two Vice Presidents have shot people. Dick Cheney, clearly. Oh yeah, the second. I cannot believe I forgot that. I cannot believe it. And I think that is only the one that we've heard about. I think he probably shot a lot more people than that. And in 1804 the Vice President Aaron Burr shot and killed the former Treasury Secretary Alexander

Hamilton in a duel. So, well I guess that was, you know, Cheney could merely say he was restoring an honorable tradition. But I think the other way looking at it is a lot of present select of Vice President who's going to make them look absolutely awesome. Clearly Biden does that for a barmy at Dan Quile, Al Gore. Abraham Lincoln had Hannibal Hamlin who was listed by Time magazine amongst the worst-friest president ever. Apparently they'd never actually met before he was made vice president. And he was described as a notorious do-nothing politician who essentially ignores the civil war. Um, that was, listen Andy,

from what I know of the American civil war, that was a tricky one to ignore. Yeah, I mean it was a big... The sound allowed. Yeah, it was a big... It was a big, really big media story at the time, I think, wasn't it? I mean, a lot of the papers went in pretty big on that.

And, uh, but then Lincoln ditched him because he clearly wasn't useless enough, Hannibal Hamlin, because he had a frankly awesome name. And he replaced him with Andrew Johnson, who proceeded to prove himself one of the worst presidents in history after Lincoln had cleverly died to make himself look absolutely fantastic. He timed it perfectly. He really did for the line, Lincoln. absolutely fantastic. He timed it perfectly. He really did for the Lion Lincoln. Well interestingly this will continue the trend of the last 30 years that there will not have been a bicellabic vice president in terms of first name since Walter Mondale. Since then we've had a George, a Dan and Al,, and a Joe. And now we'll have Joe or Paul. So clearly, what this shows, that was after 10 consecutive

bicellabic vice presidents, four names, following John Nanskahn, or other decency to chuck in Nance to compensate for the disappointingly informal John. And it just shows the declining intellectual capability of America as a nation that it is clearly no longer ready for a vice president with a name that a caveman couldn't say. Well, well, don't Andy, you just managed to powerfully illuminate nothing. You look at his S Grant, had Schula Colfax as his vice president. Oh, good name.

That is strong work. But for both of them, yeah, you list a S Grant that is good anyway. But he could have been, have been, no one would have blamed him for having the most boringly named person with him, but no, he took it up a notch. What a ticket! Right, exactly. How can you look at your ballot paper? You see Ulysses S. Grant, Schu, Le Colfax. I'm having a piece of that. I don't care what they think.

So the convention season is about to start here in America with the Republican National Convention taking place in Tampa, Florida at the end of August, fittingly being hosted by a city which is a physical and emotional swamp. And the Democrats will hold their convention in Charlotte, North Carolina. In the first week of September and sadly, I'm going to be at both of them with the Daily Show for the full duration of the convention, which always provides for me a challenge both to my belief in human nature and my tolerance for balloons. So we won't be able to do regular bugles while I'm down there, but we might try to do a quick phone call together like we did four years ago.

I believe, if I remember this rightly, Andy, it's a bit hazy, but I believe the last time we did it, we did one basically in the middle of the night, where I was so tired I was technically lying naked in bed. I've tried to brush that out of my memory, I do remember, I remember anything from that conversation Andy, but I only assume it sounded extremely sexy. Yeah, just I do just remember the the mental process of me trying to block out the fact that you were you were plums out during an official bugle recording. That was a... Yeah. When you lost on the, during the convention season, you found a wife. That's true. I can't wait to find my next wife, I think.

I mean, this is, we're looking at wife, wife too, you know. Statistically, my wife, I will be meeting my second wife in two weeks time. I tell you, I tell you who you don't want to tell that joke to Andy, what I found out. Your current wife. All right, okay. Not a fan. Really?

Not a fan of that little observation. Well, you know, if Mitt Romney becomes present and makes Mormonism compulsory, then I'm just going to adapt to that, isn't she? I'm just hedging my back. That's right. That and my magic underpants. then I'm just going to adapt to that. I'm just hedging my bets. That's right. That and my magic underpants. Now that is about, that is the one thing I'm waiting for

Mitt Romney to come out and say in a debate. Just apropos of nothing. I've got magic underpants. I've got magic underpants and you can have more than one wives. Oh, what's that sound? Is that my approval rating spiked through the ceiling? I'll see you with an inauguration. You will not hear from me again until then. He's been there talking about tax again this week,

in which he said that he paid at least 13% of his income in taxes. He said that. He wrote. With a really celebratory tone of voice going, it's okay, I did it. I'm proud to have done it at least 13% which I think I'm right in saying is that about half the average tax burden of Americans yeah so a truly amount of the people who shares their pains and their struggles but more so because he also bears the burden of having to look himself in the mirror every morning without smashing his face through it um which it seems to do quite effectively. But yeah, he proud of the same. I paid taxes every single year.

Now that is truly, truly heroic. I guess it just allows him to be more philanthropic because you can't be truly philanthropic unless you are in economic terms, fuck rich. And Rumpney has been, no, he's given himself the opportunity to be hugely philanthropic

into the humble charitable cause of making himself president. But personally, I would not vote for any candidate, John, who owns a horse, or a home, or a car, or his own clothes, or a mobile phone, or a pencil, because I don't think they can truly relate to the problems faced by the lowest strata in society. Good idea. You would go full-learn in, Andy. How do I mean to watch your prediction for the election, John? Because I mean, from the outside, Romney is a hard man to warm to.

He seems to be a bit of a spiritual Siberia. Well, you've got to remember, Andy, that, you know, American elections are always close. No, that's, it can seem that that's not the case. Yet the last election, and he really was pretty close and it will go down to the wire again because the whole of this job is decided essentially by three states.

And it's not the healthier situation. I loved him. Just when the returns for a high-o' pencil vania and Florida about to come in, just keep your fingers crossed. A bit more detail on Paul Ryan and his from Wisconsin. He's known as the man who puts the sconce into Wisconsin because he just loves war-mounted lights. He simply cannot abide pendants and still less freestanding floor lamps. In Wisconsin,

a local TV station has refused to air a campaign advert showing Ryan tipping an old woman in a wheelchair off a cliff. Um, have you seen this advert? No. It's excellent. I haven't read the full article about it, so I don't know if it is a democratic advert or a Republican one, because I mean, I guess they could probably both. Yeah, I'm good. Yeah, I love that. I mean, Ryan, it's unclear whether that shows the actual Ryan showing an actual granny off

a cliff. He's never explicitly denied hurling old women off cliffs, and that is an eerie silence that frankly speaks volumes of the man. But I guess, you know, it's just hidden camera footage of his standard Sunday morning stroll to church. Breakfast, kill an old woman, worship the Lord. I mean, that is hard to be. Hard to be.

But as with almost all political adverts, it is unlikely to have any effect, because Democrats will see it and think, of this man shoves wheelchair-bound grannies to their deaths of cliffs. That is awful. I'm definitely still not going to vote for him, just as I wasn't already not going to vote for him before.

Whereas Republicans are going to think he shoves wheelchair-bound grannies to their deaths of cliffs. At last, someone prepared to take tough action to solve this nation's social and economic problems. It's only a start, I'd hope I'd really like to see him shove the poor off cliffs as well. But I guess I'll hopefully roll that out over the course of his vice presidency. I'm definitely still going to vote for him just as I was already going to vote for him before. I fucking loved democracy. I guess it's all going to boil down to another classic

democratic spending versus Republican thrift battle after the Obama years have seen the federal spending budget balloon by 8% following eight years of belt tightening under Bush in which the federal spending budget shrank by minus 89%. I don't know, how strict, isn't that, isn't that the same as growing by 89%. No, no, that must be wrong, that must be wrong. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that doesn't make any sense. Underbush government spending shrank

to almost twice its previous level. Yeah, that's right. That sounds better. I'm glad I've got that right. I mean, some of these figures might be wrong because I was using an Excel spreadsheet from whitehouse.gov. So it's probably basically Soviet propaganda.

But America is still doing that. The American government is currently spending 50% more than it's earning. But I would say, you're only what young ones? America is only in its what? 230s, 200 and 20s. Yeah. 220s.

It's still young as a nation, John. Still young as a nation. You've got to splash the cash about Andy. It's quite burning a hole in America's pocket. Have fun. Greatest idea in human history news now. a human have had many good ideas over the years. There was the invention of fire. Then there was the invention of marshmallows to toast on that fire and then there was the iPhone. So there are three good ideas right there.

I can't think of any others right now but I'm sure they must have been something between. Can you get a microphone happen which you toast marshmallows on a fire? Well, if you couldn't, about 40 seconds after you've saved that, I think you probably can now. Well, a new idea has emerged now, which may put all previous ideas to shame. If Archimedes, Andy, has thought of this particular idea in the bath, he'd have had a second public order charge on his record due to another case of indecent exposure running around Syracuse with his wang flying around

like an ancient Greek wooden helicopter. Now, this idea came from two Germans. Let's deal with the elephant in the room straight away, Andy. The Germans have had a lot of bold ideas over the years and to put it mildly, not all of them have been good ones. But this idea, Andy, on the scale of Germanic ideas, We've had a lot of bold ideas over the years, and to put it mildly, not all of them have been good ones. But this idea, Andy, on the scale of Germanic ideas,

is at the top end. All right, I'll cut. Is it more? Is it, you know, we're talking more the idea of giving little moats up, piano for his birthday when he was three. That's right, that kind of idea, not growing a little more stars

and trying out a funny walk. Right, well, what I'm saying is, this idea is so good, is essentially on the scale, the opposite of the Holocaust. Oh, no, I am not saying that they balance each other out at all. That's okay, right. I'm just saying that this is as an idea, this is as good an idea as the idea to exterminate millions of innocent people was a bad idea. That's all I'm saying.

Okay. Well, that is a, that is a sea saw with an extremely oddly placed pivot. No, that's all. Or one massively fat boy on one end. Now, what happened was this. Two German entrepreneurs have apparently pioneered a new system to help people deal with Penta Banga and blow off some steam. They've launched a premium phone line that you can call and then verbally abuse the person on the other end of the line.

The swearing hotline known as Schuunfloss, swear away in German, has operated Stanley by seven days a week so that you can call them up and scream at them using whatever language gives you the most emotional relief. And Andy, this is made for you. You can conjure up a swear word, Andy. You are a sorcerer of the swear word. You're a cursing Cardini. You're the David Copperfield of the cuss. Yeah? You're expecting me to come up with one on the spot, John? But flampscrankle, how about that?

Ha, ha, ha. No, you might think that this is a bad job to be one of those phone operators just on the other end of the day. Hang on, it's just not an A-do of abuse. Is this just not any customer service help line? Well that's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. Now if you work for a call centre, this basically happens to you every day anyway.

You are systematically and spectacularly verbally abused. It's just that you don't get paid accordingly. It's just basically working for Delta Airlines. Yeah, exactly. Where's my fucking plate? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha assist them by provoking them. Same things like that's the third time I've heard that today and is that all you've got? And this is, it's just sensational and for a start it is a real shame that this technology wasn't around in Germany before because if they'd had access to this technology 100 years ago we might have all had a significantly more pleasant 20th century. Just blow the steam off.

Blow the steam off. Why are you then getting all the jobs? So Andy, what I'm saying is let's call them out. OK, that's cool. Let's call them. OK, I was going to say, let's just give, I suppose they want their number to be given away. So let's just so you know, apparently this service costs 1 euro, 49 per minute, which is the owner's say is completely justified.

Saying forget everything off your chest, it's a bargain. So that's, so here we go. Paul, it's 0,900, 3, 96060 690 Got to hook this to the right number. I'll just get up shouting at random German person Your car can now be completed. Oh Man

Don't fuck yourself Germany not for the first time Bullshit In first time We're sorry you're caught cannot be completed Oh god Germany You Germany No this is not these things never coming ones with Germany It's always to's with a sequel F**k say Oh f**k Oh that's unbelievable

F**king f**k F**k F**k Fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking Fucking dogs Who shot on the walks? Oh dear Well look, well I mean I don't know the clearly there's a problem Yeah Getting through on that number, but bugles will

But it basically have the same effect though, isn't it? Well yeah, that is good. I feel great. I feel well exercised. I think we'll try at some point over the next few weeks. We might try doing over Skype, which might work. My swear doofens have certainly kicked in. I feel good. I feel good.

Thank you, Germany, and f*** you. Oh, thank you, Germany, and, uh, fuck you. bureaucrats can steal a little as long as they've worked hard. Shiv Lalsing Yadav told you gathering of local officials, officials in comments caught on a secret camera, said, if you work hard and put your heart and soul to it, then you're allowed to steal some. But don't be a bandit. And I can't walk out quite or feel about that. That is either refreshingly honest or depressingly defeatist. Is it, is it, is the extent of India's movement to tackle corruption, Andy, basically taking the same attitude to corruption that most parents take to their kids underage drinking. Look, I know you're going to do it, just take it easy, will you? Take it easy. Well, it's basically the same attitude that Mitt Romney has to taxation.

So, who are we to judge? It's true, that is exactly true. Look, you are allowed to avoid tax, just don't be a bandit about it. I paid 13%. Yes, not like he was paying 0%. Well, I wanna know if Mr. Yadav has prepared to roll this out to other crimes and say if you've been very good all your life and never killed anyone, then you are allowed to clunk

someone around the head with a crowbar and steal their wallet. I only fit. The minister Yad, immediately panicked and called a news conference going into damage control mode and claiming that his comments have been taken out of context, saying, in that event, the media was not allowed in.

I don't know how they sneaked in. And if they had sneaked in, the whole discussion should have come out in the press, not just part of it, going on to say, and I'll tell you what I'm really confused about how they got in, because I had paid them all off to not be there. But don't worry, I didn't go overboard. It was a reasonable backhander.

No one went full bandit, that was my point all along. Erta Pradesh was earlier governed by Dalit Queen Mayawati, her who was criticized for spending millions of rupees on building statues of herself despite and buying diamond jewellery, despite widespread malnutrition and poverty in utter predestress. Sounds like she was the Indian female Donald Trump, Andy. Well, you have fair enough. I mean, how is she supposed to offer a symbol of hope to her struggling people to the poor and malnutrition, if she isn't allowed to build statues of herself, which simply scream out,

one day, if you eat more and earn more money, this could be you. Yes. She's an inspiration, John. Inspiration to her dream. That's right. Feature section now and official bugle Olympics closing ceremony. Well, Britain did it, Andy, and I think whether you liked the opening and closing ceremonies of the London Olympics or not, I don't think you can claim that any country has ever taken those ceremonies less seriously. Reuniting the spy skills, Andy, only to make them stand on the top of illuminated taxis and hang on for dear life as they were driven bizarrely quickly around the stadium as if

they were competing for a fair. The closing ceremony started with a tribute to traffic. Who does that, Andy? Who thinks what do we want the parting, lasting memory of this city and its wonderful games to be in the eyes of the world? Oh, how about the fact that trafficking London can be a f***ing nightmare? I wouldn't want that to not be a feature of the show somehow. I would also, how about we strap the spice girls to the top of some cars and then basically

race them? That would be fun too. In its most inexplicable moment, Russell Brandt wrote a bus into the arena dressed as Willie Wonka before performing a version of I Am The Wallerous, which was the equivalent of unloading a gun into John Lennon's grave. Yeah, I mean, he's not. I mean, if you're putting together a cocktail of

British musical culture, I guess you've got to give the organizers credit for balancing out some of the best, the who, iconic rock band, with some of the absolute shittest in the spice girls and embarrassing episode we're just trying to forget, and Russell Brand who is not the singer. So that's brave. I mean, it's brave to show good and bad. I did not see the opening ceremony to the Munich Olympics in 1972, but I'm guessing it was not as balanced as that. Sorry, let it go. We'll let it go. Also, there were lots of massive newspapers in this closing ceremony. It was the hold of opening 20 minutes, played out and stuff made of massive newspapers.

I guess that's a tribute to the industry that has done so much in recent years to make this nation proud and happy. Ha ha ha. Indirectly by pneumatic drilling through the bottom of the moral barrel, so spectacularly that the people of Britain were provoked into reacting and thinking,

hang the f*** on, we are better than this. And I'm gonna prove it by wearing a potentially lethal purple shirt, working for no money, waving a big foam finger around and being outwardly excited at the privilege of not being paid for stuff, and smiling at strangers for fun, I went out it starting to feel weird. I want my Britain back! All thanks to the newspapers, John. Heroes.

Now, the successful athletes in the Olympics sometimes return home to sudden fame, lots of endorsement offers and parades in their honour. And there have been some great stories like this, Cachon, World Cops, the javelin thrower from Trinidad and Tobago, one of that nation's first ever Olympic gold medal in field events. He threw 84.58 meters and upon getting home was awarded £100,000 Around 20,000 square feet of land and had a lighthouse named after him He'll also have his name on a Caribbean Airlines plane and will be given a luxury home Not by going Andy for throwing a pointy stick just under 85 meters

I reckon I can throw one about 20 meters Can I at least get a lighthouse named after me over there? Yeah, some reports did say that he was actually given this lighthouse, others said that he was named after him. But let's just assume that he was given a lighthouse. Well, I don't know if he has to run that lighthouse because that seems, I don't know if being able to throw a javelin a long way is really a skill that you necessarily require with you.

Well, unless you know a lighthouse. Unless you throw it at a ship, to one, it clangs off the side of the ship and then warns them that they're about to get too close to some rocks. Well, I guess that makes sense. That does away with the light pollution as well from lighthouses, which is quite annoying

if you live near a lighthouse. Right. Whereas the javelin, if it's just going straight out to say that's not going to disturb anyone, is it? Part That's it. That's it. That is their way of doing an environmentally friendly lighthouse. And he can turn the light off and have an Olympic javelin thrower throw javelins at ships. Oh, Clang, we must be around 85 meters from some rocks. Thank you, Cousin. I was watching that live. I was sat salad behind the runway for the javelin. It was quite early in the competition that he threw it 80-80 feet above 84 meters 50. It wasn't clearly

he was going to win, but it was his personal best. He just shrugged his shoulders and said, yeah, that was pretty good. That was pretty good. I looked at the crowd. Yeah, I've done pretty well there. He did not look like a man who wanted to own a lighthouse. That's what I'm talking about. I mean, it's hard to tell with sports because they're trying to cover up their emotions. But he did not celebrate that throw by running to the crowds, standing up like a lighthouse

and spinning his head around. I don't fucking mean that in his eyes. You're putting a flashlight in his mouth and just turning it on and off. But if that's what a javelin throw gets in Trinidad, Andy, what does a multiple gold medal winning British athlete get? Because, you know, Britain went Olympics crazy

over Team GB, and they really came through when it came time to reward our winners, well, Olympic gold medal winner Ben Ainsley had a post box in Limington painted gold in his honor. Wow, Andy, he must have been thrilled when he found that out. Was he thinking, is my £100,000 check inside the post box along with the keys to my new luxury lighthouse?

Are they inside? Well, are we getting them in the mail in a few days? What's that? This is it, a gold painted postbox. Well, I'm so glad that I devoted decades of my life to this post. And I'm even more glad that you seem to appreciate that sacrifice so much. But in fact, they've painted postboxes gold for every single gold medal winner in their... Well, that's good.

But it's caused a lot of controversy because there's some disputes over where they should be, painted, should it be in the birthplace of these athletes, where they grew up, or where they currently live, which is why the Limington... I mean, Limington basically almost broke down into civil war over this golden postbox because they'd already painted another one, somewhere else for Bennings. Right. And then a man in Limington unilaterally painted one for the town that he now lives. And that was then threatened with, I think he was arrested, wasn't he, for criminal damage?

For painting a postbox. But this show, there's been militant acts of painting postboxes gold. This is about as revolutionary as Britain gets these days. This is as close as we've been to chopping off King Charles's head. We've laid low for one, and now it's just painting postboxes gold. He's the Hampshire police have backed down as saying they will now be taking no further action

against him after an outcry of public support for the Renegade postbox painter. So just to be clear, it's not that Ben Ainsley has had a postbox painted gold in his hometown, in his honor. It's that he's had someone not prosecuted for doing that for him in his honor instead Thank you heroes of team GV I guess the arguments already beginning over the legacy of the Olympic Games You spent nine billion pounds on it's roughly a lot of money Legacy of the Olympic Games, you spent nine billion pounds on it, roughly a lot of money. Enough money that nothing major should have gone wrong, but a drop into the ocean, I guess,

compared with the trillions that have been waived into the financial abyss trying to placate the fundamentally unstable odin that runs the global markets. So I guess on that scale, it's been a bargain, John, for the happiness and simple joy it has brought to Britain for the vicarious pleasure of watching someone win in a sport that almost no other countries take seriously. Sure, we could have built a few more hospitals or a new gold-plated school, but it shouldn't be an either or choice, John. Yeah. And even if the Olympics have resulted in the deaths of two and a half million people through TVs exploding under the excitement of the BBC's commentary, that is a price

worth paying for all the sport. And finally, some sad news from the end of the BBC's commentary, that is a price worth paying for all the sport. And finally some sad news from the end of the Olympics and Olympic mascot Wenlock is recovering in hospital after falling off Nelson's column whilst in a state of what police have described as industrial level intoxication. The joint metallic sperm, symbolic of the sperms that help create so many of the Olympic athletes at the London Games, and of the sperms that also help give life to the Games volunteers. Well, cited a top-liter of Falkers Square landmark at 5.30am on Monday morning, trying to shove Nelson the former captain of Team GB sailing squad back in the day when that was

a real sport. Office famous perch, while shouting, I'm Britain's hero now, you one eye ****ing has been. When Locke reportedly lost his footing whilst fumbling in Nelson's pocket saying, Where's your telescope you dirty old seedog? Let's see if we can ever peek into the Queen's bedroom from here. But fortunately, the mascot landed on top of one of the lions, at the foot of the column, which were originally made from bronze, before being replaced with rubberized foam replicas in 1940, after Winston Churchill, also in a state of an ebriation, had to be winched

down from the top of the column during the blitz, whilst swearing at the Luftwaffe. The lines were specifically placed where Churchill was most likely to land given the aerodynamics of his tummy. When Lock who has been romantically linked with Heptathlon gold medalist Jessica Ennis, after being seen near her as she celebrated her gold medal, and also with the IOC committee member Gunilla Lindbergh of Sweden, actressing a Barbara Streisand, and with disgraced Belarusian gold medal-winning, then losing shop put and Nazea Ostapjuk, who was last seen departing Heathrow Airport, cuddling a replica whenlock and muttering, well at least the gold medal wasn't the only thing I was stripped of last night.

The Giant Spurm mascot was actually based on one of the 192400 metre gold medalist Harold Abraham's Spurms from the British Olympic Association's Secret Vaults, where they retained gamete samples from all medal-winning British athletes, and have been conducting a secret IVF breeding programme ever since a historically poor performance at the Helsinki Games of 1952. Here end of The Olympic Les. Your emails now, this one came in from Ian, who dear Andy John and Chris over the last two weeks the Co-Limpyx brought a new understanding and appreciation of sports and now understand everything Andy has ever said about sport

Does this mean the rest of the things our voice written off as bullshit might actually be true? My perception of reality has been shattered. All hell Andy the profit of truth You just had your equilibrium thrown way off. Or the profit of truth. Oh my god. Well there's an explanation for this and that is that sport is basically pretend. So I find it easy to be truthful about sport because it is basically a lie. So that's the only thing, it's the only way I can be truthful about anything that is pretend.

It's basically the same way that the Catholic Church works. Well, that's all we've got time for because we've overrun again, and we're about to be forcibly thrown out or shot in the studio in London here. They're getting increasingly militant. And so we won't be back next week. I'm on holiday and I camp in France where they have a compulsory speedo's rule in the swimming pool. Oh boy. Oh boy. I don't know what, in France it's supposed to be a nation of culture.

And they will not allow people to wear shorts in a swimming pool. I mean, they're prepared, I mean, I accept a cruelty to animals, but cruelty to humans. Yeah, that's a whole different kettle of cats. We will try and put something out next week. And then the two weeks of the conventions,

we will try if John's hectic convention and why finding schedule a house to put. That's a good one. That's right. What kind of wife are you looking for this time, John? Are you going to get more of the same? Yeah, I was already looking for one last time, so I'll take whatever's there. Yes, best to go into these things with an open mind. Yeah, of course.

Pick one up for me if you find one. Sure. I've had mine for ages. I could do it with an upgrade. Okay. Enjoy explaining that comment, Andy. That's it for tonight, Mugles. Thanks for listening. Bye! you