The Bugle - Bugle 207 – UN-believable

Episode Date: September 28, 2012

Andy and John have the latest from the leaders pow wow at the UN, preview the Anglican elections (really) and reveal your best suggestions for a name for a fake horse Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello, Bugleers and welcome to issue 207 of the universe's foremost transatlantic satira newscast come weekly dance anthems in cyclopedia. Later in the show, which club classics would Hitler have liked if he'd been a raver, and should those tracks be banned and their creators prosecuted. But first, the Bug the week been in Monday the first of October 2012 with me and his ultimate live In London a city still reeling from the revelation on the letterman show that our sainted prime minister David Cameron does not have a full command of Conversational Latin how the fuck is he gonna patch up our differences with the Catholic church? We cannot let this guy stay in charge and in New City, North America is the pepper grinder of mercy himself. John Oliver.

Hello Andy. Hello, Buglers. And Andy, I'm afraid we must start this bugle on a very sad note because it was brought to my attention this week that a musical tragedy has taken place. Chris, if I could just have some sad music please. The artists, philosophers and leopardskin pant wearing duo LMFAO are no more. The duo are Red Foo and Sky Blue, actual names, have decided to go their separate ways. A butlers will know that this strikes right at the heart of everything Andy and I believe

in. Ever since I found out that Bashar al-Assad had bought I'm sexy and I know it from iTunes, I knew this band was something special. Their lyrics were inexplicable, but they had that special something that could be enjoyed by 14-year-old girls and murderous dictators alike. They released only two albums in their brief but ridiculous career. The first was called Party Rock, and the second was titled Sorry for Party Rocking, making them the only band whose second album seemed to be an explicit apology for their first.

They dressed like Japanese teenage cartoon characters and they make the same amount of sense. But what a canon of work they leave behind. Their first single, I'm in Miami Bitch, was a needlessly aggressive song, alerting everyone to their current location. The B-side, I'm in Nebraska now, mother f***er, was less popular, but equally as good. How does a man end up as an adult male writing lines like, this is how I roll, animal print, all out of control? Good question. Well, Redfu is apparently a former day trader on the stock market.

Why not? Nothing about this ludicrous brand surprises me anymore. I wouldn't bat an eyelid if it turned out that Sky Blue was a molecular biologist. These are, after all, two very strange men. So why break up now? Why not release any more than two albums? Because they don't need to.

That's why when you've created perfection, you walk away. Neil Armstrong didn't need to walk on the moon twice, he did it once, and he knew that he nailed that*** up. Besides, this is not a time for sadness, Andy. This is a time for celebration. You're right, you're right, I'm trying to get this into perspective, you're right. And let us remember them with a reading from one of their pieces of three-minute poetry. Any question you may have about life in the world, you should be able to find the answer to in this piece of catchy nonsense, which incidentally should have been the title to the third album if they'd ever made one.

I'll give you LMFAO. When I'm at the mall, security just can't fight them off. When I'm at the beach, I'm in a speedo trying to tan my cheeks. This is how I roll. Come on ladies, it's time to go. We headed to the bar, baby, don't be nervous. No shoes, no shirt, and I still get service. What? Just brilliant Andy. Where were his shoes? Where was his shirt? We don't know.

They may both be metaphors, although probably not. He probably just lost them in a street. And now we have lost to LMFAO. Godspeed! You pointless lunatics. That's like when T.S. Eliot and W.H. Ordn split up. It's exactly like that. Ironically, it turns out they don't work out. Ha ha ha ha.

This very sad bugle for the week beginning, Monday 1st October 2012, 55 years, John, since the first appearance of the words, In God We Trust, on American banknotes, they clearly didn't trust him in him 100% and put a cover bit on trust again, overwhelming military firepower and economic imperialism as well. Ha ha ha ha! Took a bit of heat off the big guy. And 104 years since the first Model T4'd went on the market priced at $825. That was just for the basic model, didn't have GPS or a CD player. But you could get a qualified navigator and a heart player installed in those days,

bumped up the price to $995, but of course they were hidden running costs, having to feed them and stuff, and they really restrict the visibility through the windscreen, sitting on the dashboard with their maps and harp. 104 years ago today, 207, this issue of the bugle, the number of peasants Mitt Romney would have personally executed if he'd been an 18th century French landowner. Also, the number of times Mitt Romney has woken up from a dream about being an 18th century French landowner and been disappointed by reality. Also, 277ly, number of fatalities suffered before scientists Ernest Rutherford finally accepted that goldfish are not just mammals who love swimming. Get out of your comfort zone, he would often

shout, whilst another little fishy flipped out on his desk. And as always a section of this audio newspaper is going straight in the bin. This week a special French cheese review section as the French cheese market struggles like all other industries in the economic downturn. We look at some of the new products on the market in 2012, including the Camon bear, part soft white-run cheese, part cuddly toy, the camon bear is the ideal entry-level cheese for children, unsure of whether cheese is for them or not, shaped like a conventional teddy bear, but made of unpasturized cheese.

The camon bear comes complete with an electronic microchip. That's when you bite into the cheese, cutely chirps phrases such as, I love you! cuddle me, and try me with a caramelized onion chutney. Ha ha ha. Also, we review the San Felipe Cellara, Wi-Fi enabled cheese that can receive emails,

but not display them. The manufacturer's claim that if you eat the cheese, you will get a vague idea of what the content of the emails was, being described as like a cross between a ripe Santa Gore and an iPhone 2, comes on a standard 3 day contract rendered void if the cheeses kept in the refrigerator. Also the flimiolec, the world's first pornographic cheese, shaped like a copulating couple with a deeply erotic washed rind, the flimiolec is currently available only as a soft cheese, although hard and blue versions are in the

pipeline. And finally the Orelacont tennis cheese. To retain its shape for a full set of tennis, the Orelacont is a flamboyant cheese matured whilst wrapped in unwashed tennis kit worn by the former World Number 5 in French over the finalist, Orelacont. That section in the bin. Top story this week, you're unbelieveable. Oh, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop. You're unbelieveable.

Oh, doop. And they... You're really home for that. I really want for that. I took two bats into the on deck circle there. And this week has been the UN General Assembly here in New York. And it's been easy to tell the nerd it's been going on by the hundreds of screaming teenage girls outside, whatever hotel secretary general, Banki Moon is room to be staying in.

I think they all call themselves mooniacs Andy, and they're big fans of the 68-year-old diplomatic dreamboat. The general assembly is a big deal, not so much in terms of what they get done, which is usually absolutely nothing, but in terms of the attention they get, which is usually quite a lot, because they put on a show Andy.

This is the big stage. It's basically the Olympics of talking. Each nation gets to have their moment on the big stage, having had months to prepare, and not only that, but they do it all in front of the most inexplicably disgusting green marble background imaginable. It's as if the year it had to decide on a background where no one would look good, and this was the only one they could all agree on because there is not a pigment of human skin tone on the planet which swamp green marble augments pleasantly. Perhaps it's actually a way of undercutting everything that's set on the podium by making every single speaker look slightly ill. Oh that's some very

interesting points about the Middle East. What a shame it looks as though you're coming down with something. The pedigree of the UN General Assembly comes from what has happened there in the past. Cruchef addressing the assembly. Hugo Chaffer is referring to George Bush as the devil and claiming that the podium smelt of sulphur. So many highlights. Who can forget just a few years ago Colonel Gaddafi when he was significantly less dead than he is now, going through two translators because one could not keep up with the length, breadth and speed of the bullshitty was firing out across the room like an industrial strength cops crop sprayer. These are big, crazy clowns who's to step into.

And a Barricobama, John, seems to get a bit of criticism for taking the opportunity of all the world leaders being in New York to meet none of them and instead go on a tele show. And yeah, I mean, I guess you can sort of see it from an equality point if you John because, you know, if you meet one world leader, will you just feel obliged to meet them all? It's like weddings. If you invite someone you feel you then have to invite their spouse or their partner or then their children, their parents, their accountant, their lawyer, their bank manager, their postman, their next one neighbor, their dog and cat, personal trainer, Vicar, the Facebook friends, TV personalities,

they like all the other people from their town, they follow Countrymen and women, other members of their satanic cults. And then, well, by the time we've done that, I mean, the seating plan is a f***ing nightmare. So you can see why he backed out of it, John. It got a lot of attention over here. That he took no one on one meetings with foreign

leaders. That's the first time apparently the US president has not had any meetings in 20 years, but it's classic of politics that instantly we leap to the negative. Let's think about the positive side, Andy, that left world leaders with a lot more time to go to Times Square and have their photo taken with the six foot alcoholic Elmo. So, you know, as one door closes, another one opens, that's what I'm saying. And also, you know, this is the show's ABC's The View, which I'll admit, I'm not, you know, a regular viewer of in Britain, but, you know, if the presidents of no-erristan and Irrelevania wanted to meet the king of the free world on, John, they should have gotten those booked on the same episode of the view. That was open to any of them. It's just

lazyness on their part. Oh, guarantee that during the meeting with the president, you also give the president a chance to meet whoopie Goldberg. If you're not offering that, then he's going to go to the view. At present, Obama is knee deep in the election sewer at the moment. This was his last major speech on the global stage before November. And he had a tricky needle to thread while walking across his personal electoral tightrope. He needed to respond to the attack

on the American Embassy in Libya that killed the US ambassador. But he also needed to do it in a number of ways. He had to be stern enough to deflect criticism from the Romney camp that his foreign policy projects weakness. Although that's a slightly strange charge to lay at the feet of a president who's killed quite as many people through unilateral drone strikes as this current one has. But he also simultaneously needed to be encouraging the Arab Spring, so it was not to fan the flames of the anti-US demonstrations that will be going on for the last few weeks.

And that's a tricky balancing act. That's like standing on a tightrope in the middle of a tornado while juggling three hand grenades of watermelon and a tiger. Not impossible but undeniably tricky. So he stated in his speech, the attacks on our civilians in Benghazi were attacks on America. There should be no doubt that we'll be relentless in tracking down the killers and bringing them to justice.

All the while giving the rumor look that said, don't f**king push me on this one. No one's thinking about me. I have an itchy drone finger and I literally won't think twice about using it. I order drone strikes like I sneeze, loudly, spectacularly and with very little warning. And aggravated in the springtime by a high positive

camp. He was also criticised for not discussing the Middle East Syrian Civil War Afghanistan or Iraq and instead did really major on trying to stop people going off stage managed politically and cited rockers over a sub-shit YouTube posting. He said it was unrealistic to expect America the nation, the political entity to control all the output of its 300 million plus citizens, at which point the writing protesters around the world

put down their flags, doused them with fire at Ardent Phomen said, actually he has got a point. This really is totally unreasonable and and what's more it is bad for the environment. And now I come to think that the Quran does in places going pretty big on the whole piece in tolerance for views and beliefs of other stick. I'm going to cancel my subscription to Ravel Rousing International magazine. It's not doing me any favors whatsoever.

He did, he did use a lot of his address to sell the virtues of America's freedom of speech, saying as president of our country and commander and chief of our military, I accept that people are going to call me awful things every day and I will defend their right to do so. And for that, he received cheers across the room, but it wasn't exactly clear what those cheers were for. Was it, oh yes, great point about freedom of speech, meaning tolerating comments even about yourself that you may find offensive. That is admirably intellectually consistent. Or was it, oh yeah, great news, because I've got some horrendously offensive things to say about you. And I'm going to take what you just said as a green light to let rip.

This one, are those your ears or did your head just grow handles? Boom! You're right! This freedom of speech thing is fun! A bummer also said in response to the wild reaction to the aforementioned YouTube video, burning an American flag does nothing to provide a child and education. Well, with respect with the president, that does actually depend on how you burn it and what observations you make whilst it is burning. If you burn a flag as a controlled scientific experiment, it could actually be extremely educational.

You can analyse what temperature and speed different fabrics burn with what colour flame they burn and what this might reveal about the chemical composition of the dyes used in the flag, and how much they cost, which in turn raises interesting economic questions about the nature of modern manufacturing in the context of a globalised commercial marketplace. And of course, the history of dying fabric in it is in many ways a history of Western economics in general.

Plus you've got the effect of wind and meteorological conditions on the flames, and also you can infer how this knowledge could be applied and ensuring safety and forest fires, or indeed fires in flag factories. Also in my health, educate the child in why flags became such important and emotive political symbols of national,

political, and religious identity. At a time when people were looking for unity and social control, in fact the history of the flag is in many ways a history of civilization itself and the stars and stripes specifically, expresses the history of the flag is in many ways a history of civilization itself and the stars and stripes specifically Expresses the history of a modern nation emerging proudly from its colonial past devolging you independent character for itself in a changing world Which of course with the upheaval in the Arab world and the lot is actually an extremely valuable object lesson in the reformation of nation states And you can also find out why when you burn an American flag

It's always the star representing Alaska that burns first and the last stripe left is always Connecticut. So if you burn it and burn it if you observe a burning American flag properly it's basically worth three years in school. Good point Andy. Thanks John. Sorry, I did say good point. Long points. Long points. On long points always good points. Well I think that is usually the case. No I could. Good. The fact that the General Assembly is in America is a great example of freedom of speech in itself, because throughout history for the US,

it's basically meant inviting all the leaders of the world to come to your country and talk shit about you to your face. But I don't think that rather than articulating a reasoned case for freedom of speech, you really should have just proved it. Don't just tell them how great it is Show them open your speech by saying good afternoon Knuckles now

Guess what kind of trouble I'm gonna get in for opening my speech like that Non that's how much trouble zero. I'm covered due to freedom of speech laws So with that in mind here's some more. I think all Asian people are at least 30% magic So with that in mind here's some more. I think all Asian people are at least 30% magic. Can I back that statement up? Of course I can't. Did I just say it anyway? You f**king better. So, like the way the freedom of speech sounds, of course you do your bunch of dickbags. If you need me I'll be in the White House. Peace out. Unfortunately he didn't do that and, consequently, not everyone responded to his freedom of speech argument positively. The new Egyptian president, Mohamed Morsi,

rejected the freedom of speech sales pitch and argued that although Egypt now embraces democracy in human rights, it was not going to tolerate categorical free speech and would not tolerate insults to religion. He said, Egypt respects freedom of expression, one that is not used to incite hatred of expression, one that is not used to incite hatred against anyone, one that is not directed toward one specific religion or cult.

You see, that is the problem there, because that is very much the spicy garnish to freedom of speech that gives it its special taste. It's easy to support freedom of speech when you like it. It's much harder when it's coming out of a mouth that you'd ideally like to have so-and-shut in front of you. Take the Westbrook Baptist Church here in America, Andy. They are people who, who speech suggest that they would each benefit greatly from having a series of golf balls forcibly shoved down their throat. But under freedom of speech laws, you merely have to console yourself with telling them

to go f**king themselves as loudly and as often as you can. Well, it is a very, I think we're very lucky to be in countries where free speech is sort of accepting. Even if I would say on a bugle, hey everyone, listen up, that f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f**king f** was nothing but a b***h who sucked b***h and b***h with his b***h and frankly supporters that are even bigger than the b***h himself. Well, if I said that which let me make absolutely clear I have not said, then I would expect that man's devotees to be rightly offended, but I was also expect them in a free country to be able to take it on the chin. It's simple, it's a simple fact, Tim Henneman wasn't that good. They should be able to accept that without getting all

head up about it. Imagine even Henneman himself would acknowledge my right to talk about him like that. And he was a very good player. I wouldn't say that anyway, John, because, you know, I don't like to offend people gratuitously, and I liked Henneman as a player, he was an old school stylist, and if anything, he over-achieved during his career in a era of power tennis. But the point is, I'm allowed to say it. A bit robberly spoken New York at almost the same time as President Obama, and made sure to draw big distinctions between his foreign policy plans and the current administration. I was interested to hear what solutions he had, Andy, that didn't involve forcibly buying any country

that was a problem to the US, gutting them of their natural resources, playing himself a huge bonus, and then letting them declare bankruptcy down the line. As it turns out, that wasn't a million bars away from what he actually suggested. Because he made the case for foreign aid that focuses not on government,

but on the private sector and which focuses on building entrepreneurship. I mean you got a handy to Andy, he really thinks the private sector can sort everything out, doesn't he? Which begs the question, why the f*** hasn't it then? It's certainly sorted out a lot of problems that it's perceived to be an issue such as the problem of the wealth gap not being whited off. It's still to that out admirably. But the prison speech was an extremely measured affair and to be frank that is not what any fans of the UN General Assembly have come for. They've not come for calm reason reaching out across country-loyntunding. They've come for for calm reason reaching out across country

loyalty. They've come for verbal fireworks being let off in a confined space. And a clear fan favorite when it comes to verbal flame throwing is my mood, our Medina jade, a true pyramaniac of the pros. And this was sadly to be his last annual address as he'll be stepping down from power before the general assembly next year. So how was he going to handle this farewell speech, Andy? Was he going to put his finger under his nose to signify a Hitler mustache and then go step around the stage? Was he going to screen the lyrics to crazy train

off to jumping on the back of the Prime Minister of Greece and demanding that he gallop around the auditorium? Possibly, but sadly no. Did he at least drink the crowd to a walk down memory lane with a medley of his greatest hits? Israel must be wiped off the map. America is the great Satan, all your favourites. He should have done that, but he didn't. What he did instead was deliver a boring, tepid, borderline polite speech. And the true measure of what a let down it was,

Andy, was this, guess how many people were in the audience at the end of his speech? I'll tell you, Andy, Exactly as many as they were at the start of his speech. Oh, man! No walk out, Andy. No, it must have been so weird for him to look up from his script at the end and see everyone still sitting there. I'm surprised he didn't just drop the n-word at the end or something, just a walk a couple of people so he could at least feel like he'd finished. This is how bad it was. He refers to 9-11 as a tragedy. And at one point he said, this is a direct quote. I do not believe that Muslims, Christians, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists and

others have any problems among themselves, or a hostile against each other. At this point, I started wondering whether the real armoured dinner j, was gagged and chained to a radiator in his hotel room, and this was actually some hippie imposter, especially because he then went on to rail about the immorality of American campaign finance. Despite what big political parties claim, the money that goes into election campaigns is usually nothing but an investment, and you do not ever want to find yourself listening to Archibaldino Dad and saying, yeah, good point there, but mood with your 100% on that one. If that happens, either you or he have changed to a frightening extent.

Earlier this year, Fidel Castro said some choice words about American policies, particularly about the US Republican race, which he wrote, the selection of a Republican candidate for the presidency of this globalized and expansive empire is, and I mean this seriously, the greatest competition of idiocy and ignorance that has ever been. He's right, strong words, Fidel. The bearded Bolshevik himself, He's never been the biggest fan of America to put this in context or in particular to Republicans.

I don't know why, John. I think it's something to do with no president having had a beard for well over 100 years or maybe just, they don't like smoking off cigars in America. It could even be a fundamental irreconcilable difference in political philosophy. He's exactly made by decades of mutual political goding or maybe he just finds the ax in a night.

I'm not sure. But the greatest competition of idiocy and ignorance that has ever been, that is a big claim, John, because that is a fucking hotly contested title. Moton hot, but certainly with the unending eruption of volcanic stupidity that has crack a toe out of the world's reality TV industry in the last decade. Plus, he's clearly never watched the now-defunct daytime British TV quiz show turn about. Although, I've got to say, Andy, I mean, client to agree with him there. So that means in the space of one pupil, I found myself agreeing with both Archmodynaget and Castro. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get deported for this.

Incidentally, those same words, the greatest competition of idiocy and ignorance that has ever been were used by the UK education secretary, Michael Gove, about the current GCSE exam system. Before he dressed up in a wig and breeches, brandished a whip and shouted, right, let's get British education back to its roots. Porchids up the chimneys, rich kids trousers down, right, line up, quiet at the back. What are those girls doing here? Get them out of my sight, right, Jenkins Rob?

Come here, you are one more sneaker away from being given a fatal dose of cholera. Do I make myself clear? Oh, balls, Hopkins ladies, popped his clogs. Little blood to deserved it, spelling strange looking mucus wrong on his health form. There's no, oh in it, there's no, oh in mucus. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Other news now and a thief was caught with 20 mobile phones in his underpants. He was caught when a tracking device on one of the phones located him in a fast food restaurant, possibly eating a battered rat or a mashed up whale scrotum or a barely cooked half-rotted

screen of an endangered Patagonian lizard tiger or just a regular burger and fries. We don't know. Police called one of the stolen phones and it rang from inside his trousers. He was caught with 20 of the popular devices which have now largely superseded their communication predecessors, the wired phone, telegram, the shout across the street, the swordfight and the grunt. And it's a trick you want to talk your way out of. Been caught with 20 mobile phones down your trousers. Yeah. Yes, officer, I was roosting. I think one of them might have been about a hatch into an old fashioned wired phone. Perhaps you might go with, I thought my new YFrance were a little bit uncomfortable.

That would explain it. Well, I've learned a valuable lesson officer, never by underpants offered door to door salesmen. Or perhaps even, thank officer, I was wondering where my last 19 mobile phones had got to. Or perhaps even even you're telling me I can get a vasectomy on the health service, so I've been irradiating my glass and I'm just really for nothing. Oh balls! It does look guilty John, he looks guilty. Feature section now and religious elections. And it's not just elections to lead countries going on at the moment. It's elections to pick leaders of religions to, not the ultimate leader of course, that

title belongs to God, whoever he she or it may be. But in any religion there is a chain of command and you need a good branch manager to keep things ticking over. In England, a new Archbishop of Canterbury and spiritual leader of the 77 million strong Anglican army is about to be chosen. Army might be overstating that a bit. Maybe 77 million strong afternoon tea circle might be a bit closer to the truth. The Crown Nominations Commission will deliberate at a secret location in an effort to find a successor to Dr Rowan Williams who announced earlier this year that he is stepping down

after a decade in office. He described the job as one of immense demands and said that his successor will need the constitution of an ox and the skin of a rhinoceros. Wow, it sounds like he had a great time on the last decade, Andy. That's like selling someone to your house and handing them a key, saying, yeah, good luck with that. I think it's haunted. There might be some crack addicts in the basement. And don't strike any matches because there's a pretty serious gasoline in the kitchen. Bye.

It's not a weird thing to see on a job advert. Must have good communication skills, 180 words per minute typing, and the skin of a rhinoceros. It's not one of hercules's tasks, To prove you have what it takes to where the big pointy hat of truth in Canterbury, you have to personally hunt, kill and skin a rhinoceros. Only then can you get the right caliber of man. Yes. There's a list of probable candidates for this position, but I think my favourite is the Bishop of Norwich, who said in an interview with the BBC that he is and I quote, hoping and praying that God does not choose him as the next much Bishop of Canterbury. He said the role carried lots of expectation but relatively

little power and was probably a job for a younger man explaining his concern by saying, you don't apply, you're called by the church to do this job. I'm fairly sure the whole process will lead, I hope and pray, to God choosing someone other than me. And when he was asked, what he would do if he was chosen, he replied, I shall pray a lot more. Now, I didn't realise that was how the system worked, Andy. No applications, no announcing an exploratory committee and immediately launching into fundraising mode. You just wait and hope that no one asks you to do it. I think I like that process and I think America could learn a lot from that. Maybe they should think about trying that system

over here for their next presidential election. It's guaranteed to save at least a couple of billion in campaign expenses. Just have the whole country sit by their phones on the first Tuesday in November, begging that it doesn't ring. I think that's how they choose the panelists for mock the week over here as well.

One day, one day, waiting by the phone. The Graham, where, basically, you know, it's, you say, Grammy Jones, a big cricket fan, John, so he's the official bugle candidate for our business begins, but it's interesting to see, having hoped and prayed that he does not choose him if he does get chosen.

Yeah, he said, said, as he said, after what we do, if he was chosen, I shall pray a lot more. And presumably with some fairly choice language, dear God, what part of it? I don't wanna be Archbishop. Are you struggling to f**king understand? I'm cross with you, our men.

You cross with me. I'll give you cross with me, my boy. Oh, I feel so good to say that again. Always a personal favourite. So, a quick rundown on the runners and riders for the Archbishop of Canterbury Post. First up, Johnny Centarmu. Already got some top quality Archbishop being experienced under his belt with a stint as the Godgaffer at York Minster. Born in Uganda, but fled because he didn't like IDIR mean, which does seem quite reasonable. And also, you know, there's, there's previous for this in the church, Jesus after all, pissed off into the wilderness for 40 days when he got win that the fuzz wanted to booking for being Messianic in charge of a donkey. And IDIR mean was at best a difficult man to deal with. An aggressive conversation list

who did not list compromise in his top 10 hobbies, sent Armu writes for the sun newspaper, I'm not sure what bits he does, I think it's the horse racing tips, the mildly erotic Georgian Lin cartoon, and the little biogs for the topless models, who the sun has heroically plastered over page 3 for the last 40 years, in a selfless effort to raise public awareness of the health benefits of breastfeeding. Then there's Bishop of London, Dickie Shartre. Strongly opposed to women priests, he's refused ordainer in his bishop in career. He said, I can't forgive them for what Eve did in the Garden of Eden. They'd probably eat an altar if you let them in a church.

There's little Justin Welby, the Bishop of Durham, formerly worked in the oiled industry, so well aware of the capacity mankind has. For glossing over 100% of Jesus' teachings while it's economically expedient to do so, he has five children which suggest that he has God-induced balls. 100% of Jesus' teachings while it's economically expedient to do so. He has five children which suggest that he has God-induced balls. Christopher Cockworth, the Bishop of Coventry, plus his, he's called Christopher Cockworth. Minuses, there are no minuses. David Bowie, the rock icon, it's thought unlikely to throw his hat into the Academy ring due to touring commitments, but could offer a way back in to the Church of England for Disillusion 1970s glam rock fans. Jessica Ennis, the Olympic Heptatham champion, is probably magic and could easily cure the sick with one touch of a highly honed

fingers. Already day facto Queen of Britain, she will be the most popular choice, and those absolute look absolutely awesome under those capes. She might prefer however to wait until after the Rio Games of 2014. Pope Benedict, well agents, have been agitating for a big money cross faith transfer for the experienced Pope, but would the fans accept him? Could be like Louis Figo joining Real Madrid from Barcelona, but more so. And finally Louis Hamilton, the 2008 Formula One World Champion, rumoured to be interested in leaving Maclaren to join the Church of England, although his salary demands were thought to be a stumbling block, as were his concerns about the competitiveness of the Archbishop of Canterbury's racing horse. Just heard this morning has, in fact, joined the Mercedes team instead, where he

will be number one driver and Bishop of Cologne. And Lost and possible outside a Thomas the Becket, controversial 12th century Archbishop, room to be considering a return to the job he left in such controversial circumstances when controversially assassinated in 1170. On the plus side, he's a high-profile celebrity who could boost public awareness of the Church of England. On the minus side, he's now being dead for a hundred and forty years. There was one job advert listed in the Daily Telegraph newspaper for Archbishop of Canterbury. It read as follows. Ideal opening for ambitious professional priest must be able to repeat

the same thing over and over again for years on end, have a pauling musical taste and a willingness to wear ludicrous dressing gowns and silly hats in public. Plus, must be able to deal with an occasionally erasible boss who will remain largely in communicative and out of touch with the business's core stakeholders. Must have read the Bible, covered together, even the really boring and weird bits, and trust the journalistic integrity of unregulated hacks from 2000 years ago. No girls, girls smell. Must avoid spitting in public, even if you've seen football as do it on telly and

thinks it looks cool. Must be able to avoid saying in public, well God might well have a reason for wiping out a hundred thousand of his fans and yet another natural disaster, but has he told me what the f**k it is? Has he f**ked and cancer for children? Give me a f**king break. What kind of shit-brained public relations gaff is that? Besides, we're all just dust in the wind of history. Right, let's sing him number 216. It's musically and lyrically simplistic.

And the organist is 85, so it'll probably sound shit anyway. No time-wastings, salary, 18,000 pounds per annum, plus 100,000 pounds a month clothing allowance. And get a new cloak for every service. Plus, complimentary Vespa Piaggio scooter and performance related eternal bliss. ["Piaggio Sons of the World"] Your emails now, and we have a sensational email from a man whose name I'm now going to change

for reasons that will become obvious. Let's call him Dr. Philip Perdoodle-Doodle. Um, dear Andy John and Chris Let's call him Dr. Philip Perdoodle-Doodle. Dear Andy John and Chris, in order of who is most likely to get me struck off the medical register, I'm a GP and I'm also going to redact his location. Here we go. When one of my patients sadly dies at home, I sometimes have to go to their house and examine them to confirm that they are dead. Often these patients have had illnesses like cancer, chronic lung disease, or degenerative neurological disorders, and they've been nursed at home by their families, often in pain, until finally they pass away.

I always strive to be as professional as I can be when making these examinations, as well as being supportive and sympathetic to the families. I have a 30 minute drive to my surgery, and I often listen to the bugle on my commute. This is where this story starts getting tricky. This morning I was listening to the bugle episode 206 when I heard a call from my surgery to tell me that a patient of mine who'd been suffering with lung cancer had died in the night. His family were very keen for me to see him as soon as possible so that the undertaker

could take him away. So I agreed to visit before my morning surgery. Unfortunately, my professionalism in carrying out this visit was tested to the absolute limits and was found to be wanting. I was still listening to Bugle Episode 206 as I arrived at the house, just as Andy launched into his piece about a vicar in a replica. It speaks about a vicar in a replica grim reaper kit shouting death-related football chance to a funeral congregation. It speaks about a vicar and a replica grim reaper kit shouting death-related football chance to a funeral congregation. Through their living room window the grieving family were treated to the sight of me shaking a bent double as I laughed on control of me for

a full minute. Before I finally regained my composure and entered the house to examine Do examine there. Do examine. Do examine the dead. Do examine. Enter the house, do examine there, dead father. I'm not waiting for the call from the general medical council. dead father. I'm now waiting for the call from the General Medical Council. So many things to my disciplinary hearing. Thanks very much. Doctor, there's no way I'm reading his name out. Glad to be of service. Oh, I, I, and he sent me that email late last night and when I read it and about one in the morning on my own, I cackled with laughter like a bad witch. Oh, tremendous, tremendous email, doctor, ever, ever.

Thank you very much. This one comes in from Andrew Stronger writes, dear Andy and John, I recently went to the Save the Bugle page on your website. It was met with a choice that troubled me. There were two selections to donate to the bugle. Those were the correct ones by the way, Bugleers. And if you have not yet done so and you want this podcast to die, well, good luck to you. But please do, well, basically trying to ensure the long term future of this indispensable

guide to 21st century life. I mean, the world would be, it's hard to see how the world would be able to go on without it, you know, it's by providing balance and stability in a world of chaos. We did a good job with that as well. On theBugelPodcast.com, there were two sections to donate to the bugle. Then the third selection, stating, no way losers, I hate the bugle with a passion and wish upon it the miserable demise it so richly deserves. I don't see, right Andrew Strong, why these have to be mutually exclusive.

While I might hate you all and wish nothing but your downfall until the eventual rise of Chris and his eloquent stories of losing marathons and puppy torture. My hate is what makes me want to donate to your eventual demise. Seeing that the trend of ousted dictators was the pride they held, knowing that they are sexy and they know it, and seeing how both of you are likely used the same LMFA or ringtone, too soon mate, too soon. The outcome seems inevitable, but that doesn't mean I don't statistically want to hear it, so please let me both donate and hate you. So we'll have to... I'm sexy and I will.

Oh God. That just... I can't believe they're gone. No. That just feels like hearing it on top of the world looking down on creation after Karen Carvin should pass the way. Yep, just like that. We also got a lot of emails suggesting fake horse names after last week.

I mean look, Andy, you don't say sending emails about fake horse names and not expect a f***load of emails about fake horse names. Really chum the water with that request. So emails here one from Marcy Bunting, respectfully submitting for all consideration, Burley's Badunka Dunk. Pretty good. Oh, this one comes it came in from Arthmet who right dear team Bugle long long time bullshittie first time bullshittie Ter nicely puts surely the only possible name for a Randy horse is Silvio burlust pony Well done. I think that's it. Yeah, well Derek from Banga in America not Banga in Noten Wales. Yeah, what's it. Yeah well Derek from Banger in America not Banger in Notine Wiles. Yeah. What's so what's ME John? What's late is that? That is. Yeah it is. You should know you're

American. Yeah. He also says you're he's a little burlust pony. Burlust pony. I think I prefer burlust pony. I think I prefer the extra see yeah Silvio burless pony. Yeah Thanks for all your It's gonna be pretty much impossible to beat Silvio burless pony for a reason name. It's almost worth buying a race horse and calling it that We can do this. Well, if you keep contributing to a bugle Business fund then that we will be able to buy a Bugle race horse and call it Silvio Burlis Pounding. Andrew, in the grand national, and Celix remains to the nearest medical French restaurant.

Do keep your emails coming in to info at thebugelpodcast.com. And don't forget, you can check out our SoundCloud page, SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen bugle. Where you can still get all the Olympic bugles, which no longer available in iTunes, is that right Chris? That is correct. Bingo.

Everything stays in SoundCloud. Bingo. Bingo. Bingo. Bingo. Bingo. Sport now, John, and it's that time again that by any occasion where two great nations, America and Europe clash on the golf course for global supremacy, the rider cup as traditionally 24 of the world's most tedious sportsmen gathered together to actually represent something

other than themselves and their sponsors. And just get quite exciting. Is there much exciting about it? Stateside, John. Actually, I haven't seen much about it, Andy. But you know, they'll usually get excited as soon as they start seeing their wives in star-spangled banner, pantsuits. All in identical, smart pantsuits that might as well have on the back in massive letters

know your place ladies know your place. Yes. And it's interesting it's an interesting phenomenon the rider cup because that's quite big support here and it is basically the only time that Britain is positive about Europe. And I'm sure loads of those golf ads will be cheering on Sergio Garcia and will walk straight home and say Brussels has taken us over. I think we need to make a choice John. Go for politics. And on that note, Bueglers, it's time to say goodbye. Thank you for listening. Do keep your emails coming in and do not forget to take out your voluntary subscription. Five years

of free bullshit, Bueglers. Five years of free bullshit, Buglers. Five years of free bullshit. Yes. Let's have five more years of slightly paid for a bullshit. Let's keep spewing. Goodbye. Bye! you