The Bugle - Bugle 209 – 5th Birthday Edition

Episode Date: October 14, 2012

Happy Bugle birthday everybody! To celebrate we present a Brass Balls special... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. This is a podcast from TheBuglePodcast.com.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugglers and welcome to issue 209 of the Buggler World's leading thing for the week beginning Monday 15th October 2012. Five years to the second since arguably the most significant cultural event in the entire history of the human race in the entire history of the human race, the official release of the first ever Bugle. So this Bugle marks half a decade of hogwash, a 20th of a century of satire, 0.5% of a millennium of muth, and a billionth of a 5 billion year era of bullshit. I'm Andy Zoltzmann, and I'm 5 years older, 5 years wiser, I see 5 years less wise and above all 5 years more Unemployable than I was when I first spoke to you and joining me back from a nation 5 years even further unhinged

Then when we first revealed as he its existence It's the man who since the bugle began as a quite a wife a dog and a career in B movies Readings of our your will. It's the Manhattan Maserata himself, John Oliver. Hello Andy, hello Bughlers. We're in three different countries today. Bughlers, Andy is in Scotland, if you can, that is a country which I really does anymore. Chris is in London, which is definitely a country in and of itself. And I'm of course in New York and happy fifth anniversary. And I believe that that's traditionally the wooden

anniversary. So what I've done is I've sent you a gigantic wooden horse filled with angry Greeks. I've put in a mile this morning and apparently FedEx said that you'll get in the next two months. So to be honest, those Greeks may be even angry by the time they get there. When it turns up, don't rattle it too hard to find out

what's inside or they may really lose their shit. The point is happy anniversary Andy. Thanks John, that's touching. The Greeks are quite angry enough as it is without being put inside a wooden horse these days. Doing this for half a decade seems a lot of things Andy. It simultaneously feels impressive, ill-advised, improbable, pointless, fortunate, exciting and slightly pathetic. Somebody after I get good case against any of those descriptions. Five years of course is the average lifespan of a gerbil, John. And it's amazing to think that a gerbil born on the day we released the first people words on average be lying motionless in its wheel as we speak

gathering its final fond memories of eating seeds and urinating on its own shirt waiting for a guinea pig the priests of the roden world to come and give it the last rights I think that kind of puts everything in perspective and an Norwegian rat is there any other kind of rats, or an Norwegian yes on both counts? An Norwegian rat with a top end lifespan of three would be celebrating its fifth birthday, face down in a sewer, gasping for air squeaking, end it, end it now. I'm not supposed to live this long. All my friends are dead and society hates me on two counts. One, I'm too old and two, I'm a rat and three, I'm a Viking. I'm glad we can mark this special occasion

with such positivity, Andy. There's a quite high-roden body count already so far. And congratulations are in order also. We're not the only ones celebrating this week. Congratulations are also in order to the entire European Union. Andy, who this week won the Nobel Peace Prize, presumably for successfully not having a massive war for over 50 years now. I think that's what the Peace Prize is now becoming. It's not so much what you've done. It's what you haven't done. It's become a celebration of restraint.

President Obama won it for literally doing nothing. In comparison to his predecessor, the Nobel committee seemed to be saying nothing is better than something. In which case, this begs the question, where is my f***ing Nobel Peace Prize, Andy? I've not launched a single war my entire life, even though quite frankly, I've wanted to, on more than one occasion. Well, I'll tell you, your Nobel Peace Prize is, John. It's waiting here in your former country on a plate because Jose Manuel Baroso, the head of the EU Commission, in an emotional Oscar-style acceptance speech, not only thanks his parents and his manager, but he said that the prize is for all 500 million EU citizens.

Oh, good. So, yeah, and it's going straight on my CV, John. Of what? No bell price winner. Yes! Yes! That should help all that. Yeah, that's great news. Yeah, I'm going to help you getting a job as a Middle East peace envoy,

if the if the bugle folds at any point. Certainly help breaking up disputes in pubs. You know, I can just wait and say, hey, guys, cool it. I don't know, I'm a no bell Peace Prize winner. Let me deal with this. Right. Who's Bill? Who's the beer? Well, let's learn from Europe. Why don't you all club together and form a trading and economic cooperation group to force yourselves not to start fights with each other?

But then it might surely acquire more and more social and political power, risking destroying one of the most important and successful alliances in the history of the world by overreaching to achieve questionable goals that should have remained well outside its room. Right, who's in? I'll buy the next round. I think that's a good point, because I think the first response to the European Union, of the European Union to this news of the price was probably, is there a cash prize associated with the real? Because we are significantly sure ton money at the moment. I would not be surprised if you see a Nobel Peace Prize listed on eBay in the next few days

with a note saying, owner keen to sell quickly, no reserve price. In fact, I looked it up and the award actually comes with a check for $1.2 million. But they better be very clear who is getting that money and not just let the EU sort it out for themselves because otherwise they may find themselves the Nobel Committee. In the situation where the recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize get into a massive fight over who the money should go to. Germany instantly putting in a claim on the money due to the extent to which their banks

hold European debt, then Spain arguing that their economy needs it more, then Italy jumping to Germany side, then France saying that they economy needs it more, then Italy jumping to Germany side, then France saying that they think they deserve it more than anyone else, but I'm willing to do anything about that, then Switzerland saying if everybody wants to fight, please feel free to leave your valuables with us, and the Queen, frantically pulling a spitfire out of a museum screaming, let's f***ing do this! Well, maybe there is some method in this apparent madness as a continent which is not an as obviously most PC at the moment with riots and protests and general social dissatisfaction

but we should remember John, what do you need to fight a war? You need a lot of money. So by selflessly bankrupting itself, the EU has removed the possibility of being able to spend billions on blowing itself up again. This genius. Maybe that's it. Maybe that's it. We've bankrupted ourselves for peace. Noble, Nobel winners, Andy, all of us.

And is it 1.2 million, the prize money? You said? Yes. You're 1.2, I think, with Europe's current economic problems, that is very much a goldfishess piss in the Pacific Ocean. So over these five history-laden years, the world has lost many good people, but quite a few baddies too, Asama bin Laden, Colonel Gaddafi, too, that immediately spring to mind has been considerably lesser live than they were when they sat down to listen to issue one of the bugle. But let's not get too excited, John, who knows what monsters have been born in the last five years. Tune in in 70 years to find out whether the first half decade

of bugles has had a positive or negative impact on the overall despot situation. Also, how much has the world changed, John, five years ago? October 2007, massive drug scandal in sport, sprinter marion jones had just been stripped of five Olympic gold medals, and a controversial Nobel Peace Prize being given to Al Gore. So, Pluce Assange, as the French say, Pluce Sela Meme shows, which I think roughly translates as, give me more change, that's what my mum jokes. I'm a bit rusty. Well, so the day after the bugle was launched, John, this is the impact it had Hollywood actress

Debra Kerr listened to one episode, realised that life was futile and died at the age of 86. And also within weeks Pervez Musharif, who had seen the bugle's power and declared a state of emergency in Pakistan. So I mean that goes to show John. What on impacts was made five years ago by a show that almost no one listened to. Top story this week? What's that clanging sound? It's the Big Brass Balls update! Big Brass balls are not a toy, and they're a gift. A powerful tool that with much power comes much responsibility. Big Brass balls can be used to stop a tank in the middle of a road using only the power protest, but they can also be used to send those tanks to fire on protestors in the first place while simultaneously denying that you know what a tank is. Brass balls can also be literally fired from tanks, but that's a different story.

The point is that the ownership of brass balls has caused some incredible, some terrible, and some improbable things to happen throughout human history, and also over the last few weeks. This is a roundup. Russian brass ball news! Russian brass balls are a different kind of balls, and they sometimes, they're even a concentric sequence of all-nately painted hard balls, one inside the other. A few pupils ago, we discussed the Russian punk band Pussy Riot, who had the metallic cajonis to play an anti-putin protest song in Moscow's main cathedral, and were consequently jailed on a charge of hooliganism and have been incarcerated ever since. The problem was, that they tried to go bultable with Radamea Putin, and that is a battle that many

have fought and few have won. Yes, a bit of a verisely described as the Russian banana Rama, and what would have happened if Miley Cyrus had been born 12 times in Russia and got into politics. And, putting right, Renanta, wearing brightly coloured balaclavas and doing, in prompt to provocative performances about Russian political life in unusual and generally unauthorised locations such as the Cathedral or on top of buses or in the metro and they then post these videos on the internet and as you say taking on Putin, John, that is brave. They burst into Moscow's Cathedral of Christ the Savior and performed a track entitled, Punk Prayer, Mother of God, Drive Putin Away. Now, I'm not a lyrics expert or a Russian expert,

but I think the subtext of that song is, they don't like Vladimir Putin and they would like God's mummy to pop him in the back of her car and drive him away somewhere. Probably not to a nice holiday resort. However, this week, the development is that, a court in Moscow freed one of the women in

the band but upheld the two-year sentences for the other two. The freed woman won an appeal by claiming that she'd actually been thrown out of the cathedral by guards before she could even get her guitar out of its case to join in with the bands as you say punk prayer. That's a pretty bold defense, Andy, having your defense statement essentially being, I was actually attempting to commit the bullshit crime that you're charging me off but you've stepped in before I could do it properly so next time you want to stick me with a trumped up charge please please allow me to commit it first I

rest my bullsy case. One of the women still in jail is Nadezhda Tolok in Okova who was previously involved in another protest which involved five couples copulating him in a museum. What's the man dressed as a stereotypical Jew held up a big banner? That was an interesting form of protest, isn't it? That was performed by the Voina group responsible for an incident, previously discussed on the bugle where they painted a 65-meter Wang on a bridge in St Petersburg. It was that art when he didn't have quite the artist at delicacy or anatomical accuracy of say one of Michelangelo's Wangs, but to be fair, Michelangelo did paint a lot of Wangs and if you put them all together which I'm not suggesting you do, they'd probably be about 65 meters long.

And another protest by the Voiner Group involved a woman shoplifting a whole chicken by shoving it up her. Well, let's just say shoving it somewhere Mrs. Pancursed, we're not have dreamed of shoving a chicken and where Martin Luther King would not have had the option of shoving a chicken where he so inclined. And I think both of those who led and drew political campaigners might have also raised the legitimate query of exactly what political point you could possibly make by shoving a whole raw chicken up any part of the human anatomy. Maybe something to do with recycling or the sexualization of Sunday lunch. I have absolutely no idea.

The Russian church said that the women's actions cannot be left unpunished, although it added that any penitence should be taken into consideration. Russian Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev even stated that a suspended sentence would have been sufficient punishment for the band. All this was added to wave upon wave of support for the band from all over the world, but was Putin interested in any of that? Well Andy, he's about as interested in that as he is not interested in flying at the front of a flock of my great-ingees and a ludicrous bird outfit. He defended the sentence, saying, it's right that they were arrested. It's right that the court took

that decision because you can't undermine the foundations of morality. Our moral values destroy the country. What would we be left with then? And it to make a statement like that, while simultaneously dismantling your country's democracy before everyone's eyes, and personally plundering its national resources, like a modern day Viking, takes brass balls so big, they need to be constantly lubricated

by being constantly coated in a thin layer of oil to prevent them from rusting over. Yeah. It's like painting the fourth bridge. It's just never stopped. Constantly coated in a thin layer of oil to prevent them from rusting over It's like painting the fourth bridge It's just never stopped Never One of the pussy right members told the hearing we are all innocent The verdict should be overturned at the Russian justice system looks discredited to which the Russian justice system replied We look discredited now

You think this is as f***ing discredited as we can get? Man, you don't even know you've been born! You do not know you've been born! BAM! Another massive set of clanking brass balls has been displayed by the 14-year-old Pakistani schoolgirl Malala Yusavsai, who was shot and critically wounded by the Taliban after calling for education for girls, which you might not think is, you know, too outlandish in most countries, but it's not really the kind of thing that a Taliban go on for. It does seem that the Taliban by storming onto a bus full of school children

and shooting a 14-year-old girl and two of her classmates have still not fully mastered the delicate art of public relations. They are, John, increasingly hard to warn to as a political organization, the Taliban. They just don't seem really into grown-up discussions, compromise, acceptance of other people's views. And clearly what they should have done, they should have sat little Malala down

and explained to her why it makes sound social and economic sense to ban television, to ban music, to remove all education for girls, to ban women from shopping, and also to explain to her why violence, hatred, to band women from shopping, and also to explain to a why violence, hatred and terrorism are the best way forward for everyone in her region and how targeted and random slangs are a perfectly reasonable way to resolve disagreements. Then allowed her to have her say a little bit of give and take and try to reach a satisfactory compromise and then just had a drink and a laugh about why they disagreed so much in

the first place and why they thought it was was good idea to blow up more than a hundred girls schools but the Taliban just aren't into that kind of compromise, John, so that did not happen That's right, the Taliban are at best stubborn and at worst f*****s, I think the events of the last week have proven they're probably right in the middle they are stubborn f*****s, that's amazing. This little Pakistani school girl, she's been writing a diary for the last three years online about living life under the Taliban. She was 11 when she first started writing the blog

for a BBC Urdu, which dealt with life under the Taliban rule in her hometown of Mingora in the Northwestern region of Pakistan, which she affectionately calls my SWAT. Now, life for an 11 year old girl there is to put it mildly, f***ing shit. Although she would probably state it much more elegantly than that. In one diary entry, she writes of the threats made against young girls who continue to try and attend her school, saying, I was afraid of going to school because the Taliban issued

an edict banning all girls from attending schools. Only 11 students attended the class out of 27. The number decreased because of the Taliban's edict banning all girls from attending schools. Only 11 students attended the class out of 27, the number decreased because of the Taliban's edict. On my way from school to home, I heard a man saying, I will kill you. I hastened my pace to my utter relief he was talking on his mobile and must have been threatening someone else over the front. I guess that's what passes for a funny story for children in the SWAT Valley at the moment Andy, but it's absolutely chilling. There are three facts here. Fact one, this girl is amazing and it's well worth reading her diary entries online. Fact two, the Taliban are a shower of pricks. And in fact three, this little girl has some of the biggest, brassiest balls in the known universe. The surgery

so far to remove the bullet from her brain Seems to have been something of a success and that is hardly a surprise because the girl is incredibly She's absolutely amazing and I'm sure all buglers would join us in wishing her and her brass balls all the best Yeah, her father's also an anti-tallaban activist so it clearly runs in the family and as you say she started taking pops at the Taliban aged 11 now in the family. And as you say, she started taking pops at the Taliban aged 11. Now, it's fair to say she's displayed rather more courage than the average 11-year-old. Certainly, the 11-year-old and the resultsman. The bravest thing I ever did when I was 11 was attempt to stop the civil war in the Democratic Republic of Congo. I know how, I know, it wasn't that. Now, the bravest thing I ever did was read Cricket or Graham Guches' autobiography, which did contain coded messages urging a long-term

peace agreement in the DRC to be fair. The Papastani Taliban said that Malala, quote, quote, is the symbol of the infernals and obscenity. And I mean, aside from anything else, this is just factually wrong. If you want infernals and obscenity Taliban, just pop on the internet for five minutes and you will find bigger fish to fry. They also added that if she survived they would target her again. Oh, big men! Big men, you bravely hunt down those little girls. You bravely hunt them down. You are giving your press officer absolutely nothing to work with. It is so hard to put a positive spin on that. And your action movies, Taliban, must be an absolute blast, the Taliban version of gladiator for example,

ending with Maximus smashing the crap out of 12-year-old Cornelia shouting, take that on behalf of your gender. Single brass ball news now, and in Britain, a rugby player for the Warrington Wolves called Paul Wood had a testicle removed after rupturing it during a game against Leeds Rhino's. That's pretty balsy, but it gets even balsier when you hear that he was injured early in the second half, then played on before going to hospital after the match. And he simply do not understand that level of toughness. If that happened to me, and it wouldn't, let me be clear about that, because I'm too

cowardly to ever be in a situation when something like that might happen. But if it did, which it wouldn't, I would immediately be screaming out, get me off the field immediately. I think I've just ruptured my testicle. I'll officially withdraw myself from this game, primarily due to the testicle I just ruptured. And let me be clear, I'm not just withdrawing myself from this particular game, I'm never playing this stupid sport ever again.

On account of the fact, not to labour a point, I just ruptured a f***ing testicle playing it. Also, I would politely ask that this game is abandoned now. I do not think it's appropriate that either team continue playing because, if I have to remind you, someone ruptured a testicle out here. And that person was me. Hands up everyone team continue playing because, if I have to remind you, someone ruptured a testicle out here. And that person was me.

Hands up everyone who doesn't have a ruptured testicle. Oh that's good, I notice a lot of hands up in the air out there. You'll notice that someone doesn't have their hand in the air and instead has their hand over their ruptured testicle. That man is standing before you right now. Well not exactly standing, that man is buckled over before you right now or waiting an ambulance. I have ruptured my testicle and I think the appropriate amount of attention I deserve at this time is all the attention. This is complete bullshit! That's more or less what I'd say Andy. Yeah, and it's happened on the same weekend

There was a lot of debate about diving in football and players feigning injury at the nearest contact. And Paul Wood in the Rugby League grand final, that's basically like the Super Bowl for our American listeners. But a bit less glitzy, I think the half-time show is usually a man and a flat cap taking his whip it for a walk around the pitch before sitting down to eat a pie with no nutritional value. Very much like to eat a black one'd please take that on. So, as you say, would not only erupt in his testicle, but carried on playing for 20 minutes, but he'll go to hospital to haven't amputated. And it then told the BBC afterwards, it sounds worse than it is.

What? What? Does it, Andy? Yes. It sounds exactly as bad as it is. Because, as far as I can tell from reading accounts of the incident he ruptured a f***ing testicle and the mere words of that sentence alone are making my eyes water I'm gripping my balls right now talking about this story as if to reassure my dual plums that I will never be glib about their welfare he admitted it does smarter bits when you get hit down there. So it's a hard man's game rugby league, John. It's a hard man's game.

He continued to show a superhuman mastery of understatement, as he went on to say there was nothing special about this. As a rugby player, you just do your job until you hear the final whistle, there's nothing special about it. Not special Andy. He lost a testicle. LAUGHTER To him, what is out of the ordinary?

He must be a nightmare to be around on so-called special occasions. How was your birthday party, Paul Darling? Did you have a special day? Well, not really. Love, I've still got both my kidney. LAUGHTER Be more inventful to put it mildly.

Routine? Yes. Pleasant? Sure. Special? Absolutely not, sweet ass. the new and then full to put it mildly routine. Yes pleasant sure special absolutely not sweet us. There have been other incidents of Pollock related injuries in sports and in the other code of rugby rugby union notorious New Zealand hard man Buck Schelford playing a match against France in the 80s had his scrotum ripped open, told the doctor to stitch it up, return to the pitch and was there knocked out. Well, that shows the folly of it, John. I mean, I usually take an hour off from anything after sneezing just to get my equilibrium

back. To be fair to Paul Wood, he's not being completely dismissive of it. He did admit that he's going to look into wearing added protection next season, saying, it's something that I'm going to look at because obviously I've only got one now, so I've got to look after it. The very fact, Andy, that in the course of one game, the way he referred to his testicles went from plural to singular to just that game was a lot more special than he gave it credit for. I do think it is a shame John that rugby league is not covered by the American media and the way they write headlines because I think it would have looked

rather splendid to have rugby league player loses final comma bollock. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha alleged. Are we covered legally from that? Yeah, Lance Armstrong, the prominent cyclist, he has shown amazing balls, John, because the US anti-doping agency have released a thousand pages of evidence against him gathered from more than 25 different sources. And he has continued to say, to it and you have to admire that John. I mean the complexity of the operation described is frankly extraordinary. But his continuing defence of himself is either one of the greatest cases of barefaced balls in history or one of the greatest acts of delusion in history or he is the victim of one of the most extraordinarily orchestrated

lying campaigns in the history of the human race. Yeah, the United States anti-doping agency has now labeled him a serial cheat who led, I quote, the most sophisticated professionalised and successful doping program that sport has ever seen. Basically, Andy, if successful doping and subsequent evasion of testers was a sport and it was a cycle race, Lam Sombstrom would have won it an unprecedented seven times. Armstrong has now been banned from cycling and stripped of his titles. And as you say, his brass balls don't come from the fact that he took so many drugs, his

balls may have shrunk and become so leathery and tight that they've formed into little brass ball bearings. No, his brass balls come from the fact that he is still claiming that he is innocent. He is sticking to his story despite a positive mountain of evidence against him. His lawyer has even described the report as a one-sided hatchet job, which is true. Only in the sense that a butcher performs a one-sided hatchet job on a cow that has been dead and refrigerated for days. Amongst the various allegations are that he paid one million dollars into the Swiss bank account of an Italian doctor who helped him. Now I cannot stress how important it is, Bueglers, to get those two nationalities Swiss bank account an Italian doctor the right way round because if you get

in the wrong way round you are you get another wrong way round, you will get a wind up absolutely skins and absolutely dead. Amongst the other allegations against Armstrong are that he wrote the 2002 Tour de France on a Kawasaki 350. He responded to queries from the meet about the noise his bike was making in a mountain stage by claiming he was growling to ward off any bears that might be lurking in the forest. But also allegations that he had an extra pair of legs surgically removed from another young rider on his team and drafted on to his own hips to give him four legs compared with most other riders to, or three, in the also cheating festinatee.

Also, that his blood tested positive for being a condor after a gene transfusion programme in which he and his teammates were given blood and DNA from various birds of prey to improve their eyesight, stamina, gliding speed and the beaky aerodynamics of their faces. Armstrong concealed the feathers that grew as a side effect under his famous trademark yellow jersey. But the whole Shabang was nearly blown open on stage 14 of the 2004 race, when Armstrong's US Postal colleague George

Hinkapy pulled over to the side of the road near Carcasson and laid an egg. Also allegations, John, that there were ten different Lance Armstrong clones, and each day, whichever one was riding, be so much fresher than all the other riders, most of whom had only two or three clones as their team's cloning programs weren't quite so so advanced Armstrong has also claimed that his feet were off the ground when the allegations were made so he is technically innocent of all charges American people's brass balls now and well as we all know Andy American people have three balls one red one white and One blue and historically As we all know, Andy, American people have three balls, one red, one white, and one blue. And historically, Americans have had the balls to do things to misquote President Kennedy, not Kennedy, not because they are easy, not because they are necessary, not because they're

even advisable, but because they're f**king awesome. America is undeniably in economic trouble right now. I don't think that's a secret. $16 trillion in debt was a deficit that's threatening to force the government into default and with an election that is being almost entirely based upon either sides, plans and pledges to get the country out of this economic shit storm. So how are American people responding to this, Andy? Well, by spending an estimated $310 million on Halloween costumes this year for their pets.

Good luck competing with that Greece! Good luck! Sure, Europe may opt for savage austerity measures, but Americans will go a different way, Andy, spending it on fathomable amounts of money to make their animals look like other things. That is ingenuity, Andy, and it's not just physical ingenuity, it's emotional ingenuity. Yes, David Cameron has argued that the only solution to the British Britain's economic woes is cutting social services and art budget. But that's because he's never looked at a pet

and thought, I bet a British company could make something that would make that dog look like a wasp. And that is where Britain is coming up short Andy. After the Wall Street crash in the 20s, Americans cut back, they joined bread lines. After the sub-morgage crisis, a few years ago, Americans stepped up and decided to dress their cats up like fork-live trucks. And greatest generation right now, Andy. Sorry, did I say greatest? I meant most ludicrous. The point, everything's going to be fine. BEEP BEEP000. The woman bought the painting as part of

a box lot that also included a doll and a plastic cow. So it could be worth even more. Perhaps that doll was once owned by Hitler and has a little moustache that he drew on it in Markupin. Is there a string coming out the back of that doll that you can pull? Because if you do, perhaps it gives people precise instructions of a wet wet to locate the body of a doll that you can pull. Because if you do, perhaps it gives people precise instructions of a wet, wet, wet and locate the body of a sarm of in London. That would increase his value no end. As for the plastic cow, that's probably just a plastic cow. Has anyone checked its others?

Perhaps that plastic cow was signed by Martin Amos. That might slightly up its value. The point is the lady got a huge bargain. Well it's a thing with art, you know, you can't tell what it is worth just by looking at it and working out how nice it is, it goes way beyond that. It was a painting by Rothko recently sold for over £50 million, £87 million, is orange, red, yellow, the highest price paid for a piece of post-war art ever at an auction. That is only slightly less than Chelsea played for Fernando Torres, John. The Rothko painting is scored nearly as many goals for them as Torres has. And in another Rothko story, a painting by him in the tape gallery, a tape modern gallery in the prominent Northern Hemisphere city

of London, former home of Karl Marx and John Oliver amongst others, was defaced by a man called Vladimir Umenetz from Russia, who claimed to be the founder of an art movement called Yellowism and compared himself with serialist artist Marcel Duchamp. He wrote in Black Marker pen in the corner of Rothko's painting, Vladimir Uminets, a potential piece of yellowism. Yellowism ironically, sounds like a fancy way of describing what you might find in Marcel Duchamp's signature piece of a urinal. The Deface painting was one of these Seagram murals originally commissioned from Rothko for the Uberswanky Four Seasons restaurant in New York City. Rothko disclosed that it's true intention for the murals,

whilst who paint quote, something that will ruin the appetites of every son of a bitch who ever eats in that room. Is that true? Yeah. Oh, that's a great quote. Yeah. He carried on if the restaurant would refuse to put up my murals, that would be the ultimate compliment, but they won't.

People can stand anything these days. Oh, that's great. Presumably the owners heard this and thought, well it looks like Marcus slightly misinterpreted the brief. I guess this could be a new fad in restaurants, and this increasingly health-obsessed age. You're controlling your overeating by surrounding yourself with massive paintings expressing the essential tragedy of humanity and the unavoidability of death. That's right, the Russian Vladimir Uminets, who is definitely Russian, Andy. That's the story checks out, because that name is writing checks that his passport can very much cash.

Vladimir Uminets. He claims that he is an artist and not a vandal. Is he absolutely sure about that, Andy? Or is he potentially mixing up the description artist with being a cock? He would be the first person claiming to be an artist to make that same mistake. He did compare himself with Do Shamp, saying, art allows us to take what someone's done and put a new message on it. And interestingly Andy, the law allows us to take what someone's done and put a jail term on it. Because Vladimir Uminets may soon find himself embarking upon a bold new installation artwork soon

where he is installed in a prison cell for a while. This is gonna be a very exclusive work as well, because you're only gonna be able to see it if you get a job as a prison guard or commit a crime yourself. He's clearly brilliant or a cock. Well, it's a classic excuse for any criminal, isn't it? It was a piece of art. We've seen it before. Dr. Kripping, when he bumped his Mrs off for almost a hundred

years ago, claimed to the court, it was a performance art piece, exploring the inexplicable relationship between love and death, pointyly evocating the fragility of life and the ephemeral nature of being your honour. Please don't hang me. Although to be fair, that would be an interesting, sculptural installation piece. I mean, we hang pictures so they might live, but here you're gonna hang a man, so he might die. His violent struggle of his twitching limbs, playing almost erotically with the stillness of the gallows, at the universal, inevitability of failure. Life fighting is unwinnable battle

with death, before doffing it's still twitching cap to the ultimate master of all until all the life forces stripped and we are just left with a primeval scream of futility expressed by the faceless corpse pendulum of a human rendered into a mere physical object all ambition will and essence stolen from him swinging to the merciless beats of time immortal. Sorry I'm not really helping myself here, am I, you're on a... Well, come on, if I was Damien fucking her, she'd be paying me four million just to do the autopsy. [♪ BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL is the most valuable in Britain for a single work of art. The work is a sculpture of his feet made from wood, canvas, tea and coffee. And you aren't glad for Ben, Greener Andy, but I also feel slightly ripped off because Ben Greener must have seen or at least been aware of my controversial sculpture entitled My Penis, made from paper mache, a balloon, hot chocolate and lemonade that nearly got me a suspension when I made it in my school art class at 10 years old. I was of some influence eventually. It was described as way ahead of its time by me back then, or to give in its full review for my art teacher, Mr. Parkins, what is this John?

Is it a spaceship or some kind of abstract carrot? It's a what? That is disgusting. Please go straight to the head teacher's office and drop this obscenity in the bin on your way out of the room. The other nominees for the prize included Faustus Millicent, say descriptionist sculptor who's never actually made a sculpture, but stands in galleries telling people what sculptures he would make if he knew how to sculpt. The highly regarded by the London Conceptual magazine Art Mageddon, who described him as quote, the ultimate 21st century creationist creator, a divine child of an age of potentialist anti-achievement.

Asaren, for the unfulfilled, whose very lack of talent, makes him the most talented artist to a person Lee Shawse, its J.M.W. Turner. His description of doing a man sitting down with his chin on his hands was viewed by some as a daring relocation of Rodan's iconic The Thinker into an era when people don't really think anymore, and by others as lazy plagiarism. Also nominated Marpella Slampeyven, the 96-year-old south-end-on-sea resident who sat on the same seaside bench and eaten a splat-mackerel sandwich every day since her husband Ron died in 1965.

She accidentally declared herself a work of art after mistaring a question at a doctor's appointment for a minor cardiac problem and is now on permanence if confused display in the Sarchi Gallery in London, where she and her bench narrow-side in front of a 3D projection of South End Beach. She's the first prize nominee to be unaware that she is in fact an artist. Your emails now and we do not have time for your emails this week. I'm recording this and I slightly echo the hotel room in Edinburgh surrounded by some pillows to try to deadly sound on my portable soundtrack quarter. This is being recorded. That's a good

visual. That's a... You've made yourself a little pillow fort. I have. Yeah. This is being recorded. That's a good visual. That's a good visual. You've made yourself a little pillow fort. I have. Oh yeah. This is the first bugle ever to be recorded from a pillow fort. If I could have made it with teddy bears, I would have done. So I'm sorry if it sounded a bit unusual. This week, this historic fifth anniversary bugle. But we will be back next week with your emails and the latest update dates on the history of the planet earth. Euglers, thank you for listening.

5 more years! 5 more years! you