The Bugle - Bugle 211 – Electoral Labour

Episode Date: October 26, 2012

Election news from the USA, not dead news from Brazil, economy news from Britain and commodity news from Jay Z and Beyonce. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. This is a podcast from TheBuglePodcast.com.

The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugleers and welcome to issue 211 of the Bugle Audio newspaper for a visual world for the week-beening Monday the 29th of October 2012 with me and his ultimate live in London, Northern Hemisphere and also in the Northern Hemisphere, albeit in the wrong bits in the land of unremitting democracy. The hotly disputed greatest nation in the world, it's the sledgehammer of retribution himself, the man hotly tips to be the next but one James Bond after surprise casting Bill Cosby. It's John Oliver! Hello Andy, hello Viewglis, step aside Cosby, let me have my role. And on Sunday night I helped out on a televised benefit to raise money for autism charities called Night of Too Many Stars on Comedy Central.

Now to do that, I took part in one of those so-called celebrity phone banks where you see people answering phones and thanking people for their donation. And thus Andy I embarked upon one of the strangest two hours of my life because the problem is When people get through to a so-called celebrity phone bank There is understandably a couple of expectations there one is that there is a functioning phone bank And two is that there are celebrities on it and to a certain extent that was true to be fair I mean there was Tom Hanks, Julia Moore, Paul Rudd, Jerry Seinfeld, Jimmy Kimmel, Al Pacino. Unfortunately for any potential donors,

there was also me, the fly in the champagne, if you will. Now, you're probably gonna get a nice mouthful of champagne, but you may also be about to swallow a fly. And it was complete pot luck. There was no way of knowing who you're gonna get through to, which meant that it was like playing phone, Russian roulette. You were probably going to be fine and get someone that you'd heard of, but there was also

a chance, albeit a reassuringly small chance, you're going to take a John Oliver bullet in the head. Unfortunately, that happened to some people on Sunday night, and it turns out, Andy, that there is no way, for even the most well-meaning humans to disguise the tangible disappointment in their voice when instead of Oscar winner Tom Hanks picking up the phone it's some British guy that they've literally never heard of. I spent part of the evening thanking people for their donations, part of the evening explaining who I was and most of the evening explaining why I couldn't put Tom Hanks on

the phone. I literally had multiple versions of this conversation, Andy. Is there any way I could speak to Tom Hanks? I'm afraid not, but thank you so much for your donation this evening. It's going to a fantastic cause. But you're sitting right in front of him. No, I'm not. Yes, you are. I can see you on television right now.

Would you like me to wave at you? No, I'd like you to give the f***ing phone to Tom Hanks please. I will say, incredibly, I spoke to around five different buglars on the phone at around the night. So I wanted to say hello to all of them now to thank the Ferdonaiti and just to remind them, I cannot put them on the phone with Tom Hanks. I can't do it. Did you ask him if he can come on the bugle? I didn't, I just assumed he was going to ask and it never happened. What about Pacino? Well, Pacino, he's lined up. What was he, did he get the like playgamer pool with him or a room?

No, I didn't say a word to Al Pacino. That's probably a safest. Yeah, I think so. He can kill a man with his little finger. That's what he had on a piece of paper that he was saying about. I, by contrast, have had an office built in my garden and spend now most of my time sitting on my own in it.

So... LAUGHTER I'm sure it's how our two lives have diverged, John. So, going around the mouse, Andy, just two ends of the same sea salt. This is a bugle 211, 211. Of course, the number of flamingos rejected us too ugly by the lead singer of the 1960s,

Rocker's Manfred Man, before he found one that inspired him sufficiently to sing the hit song Pretty Flamingo. And this is the week beginning, 29th of October. And John, there's a lot of very significant musical instruments anniversary this week. It's 157 years since the invention of the harmonica, invented, of course, by old bugle favorite Florence

hot sauce, 19 Gauls, a medical aid to show whether or not soldiers in the Crimean War were still breathing. Just put one in their mouths, and as long as they were still alive, it sort of played a little bit of slow country. 74 years since Percy Fender developed the eclectic guitar, and 223 years since the invention of the oboe, when a man in a reptile park in Hanover, Germany, started giving mouth to mouth and CPR

to a snake he thought of that a heart attack. The snake recovered, started making pained, whining noises. And this time, by this time, a crowd had gathered and the man got a bit carried away and found that he could make the snake make different noises depending on how hard he squeezed it. And whether or not its bodily orifice is recovered or open, snakes notoriously have up to 17 annualized spread of the length of their body.

The increasingly R8 snake did then die of a heart attack in his fury at being so used and Rigamortis set in. And the oboe took its now traditional shape, Dead Straight and with its tongue out. A collectic guitar. Yeah, a collectic guitar. Yeah, that was the precursor of the electric guitar. It was much more diverse. As always, a section of people has been straight in the bin this week. A new Bond film section.

A new Bond film coming out, Skyfall. It's entitled, The Films of Departure, the usual all-actin Bond films, spoiler alert. Here's Bond spend most of the film doing admin at a filing his annual tax return. Does an online grocery shop? Watches some YouTube videos of a dog falling into an icy pond and an old woman swearing at traffic

and then gets a takeaway peat on the way home. He watches a Europa League football match with a couple of beers and his next one over Eric who's a massive Borussia Munchen Gladback fan, but who's telly had broken after his cat knocked over a vase of botunias on it. Before Bond plays Solitaire for an hour, check his emails and goes to bed and dreams about killing baddies. Director Brenda Tarantino said the film shows a side of Bond that usually isn't visible, the man behind the heroism, the ordinary guy, who has to hide his true feelings behind the mask at work. We're all different at home than we are at work," said Tarantino, and none more so than spies.

Apart from maybe professional boxes, a sincerely hope apart from professional boxes and soldiers who specialize in firing anti-aircraft missiles, there are some jobs you should not take your work home with you from. Anyway, Bond is just the same as them. We also review previously unreleased Bond films, including Hutchy and the Carrots, in which Bond's pet rabbit Hutchy escapes from his cage, steals some Carrots and vegetable rack, causing Bond to suspect that his house has been infiltrated by Soviet era spies

and slaughter everyone in his block of flats before escaping in a pedal-powered submarine. And there's been a lot of controversy John over the amount of product placement in this new Bond film. Bond's been seen drinking lager, which a lot of hardcore fans have very disgusted about using Andrex toilet roll. Some people thought it was a little too graphic. And also because he's getting on a bit now Bond's and they're, you know, if they are going to do a storyline about how he's, you know, a more mature man, I think they could have done it without having quite such a commercially explicit incontinence problem involved. His rubber and undercut his swarve uber-mail seductiveness.

If he's lying in bed with a super hot bond girl saying, I just sleep so much more confidently now. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha He plays down a more earthy bond, Andy. This is just a natural extension of that. Timothy Dolan would just wear himself. Oh. B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B- PUSH! Andy, a presidential election in America is a marathon. You know, it goes on for a ridiculously long time. There's a lot of shouting of support, and we're now approaching the point towards the end, where the body is threatening to shut down completely. There's a lot of questioning of why the country has put itself through this, and everyone is about to lose control of their bowels and exhaustion. That's basically the mood here, Andy, and it's going to take more than an isotonic sport string to replenish the salt that have been destroyed by the tone of this campaign.

The election is just one and a half weeks away and America will either vote to re-elect President Obama or elect a President Romney, which doesn't sound quite right, and that's largely because it wouldn't be. If the president is reelected, people will be significantly less excited than they were the first time around, having had their expectations forcibly lowered after the last four years, and if they elect Romney, people will rightly immediately be concerned about which version of him is going to turn up at the White House. They met in the final presidential debate on Monday to argue about foreign policy or more accurately to agree about foreign policy because there's actually relatively little that

they disagree on there. Normally a Republican candidate would go after a Democrat for being weak on foreign policy, but that's a hard case to make against this particular president, not just because of that whole surprise death party he threw for Ben Laden, but also because of his habit of droning the shit out of people. The debate was 90 minutes, essentially, of them desperately trying to appear that they had less common ground than they did, while exchanging the kind of zingers that would have you booed off at the stage at the Wichita Yuck Hut. That sounds like you're saying that from a bit a personal experience, John.

Come on, witcher tar! That's a solid piece of wordplay. Well, I listened on the radio, John, whilst I was writing my weekly cricket blog, which is a curious way to listen to a presidential debate. I don't think many people around the world listen to American presidential debates. Whilst sunk to the braid in 1970s international cricket stats. So for memory to summarize a debate, Romney thinks that West Indian legend V Richards was an extremely good batsman. And he's got a point, John, and for once with Romney,

the numbers do actually back him up. Whilst Obama is going out on a limb a bit, suggests that Australian fastballer Jeff Thompson was slightly overrated. And it's just hard to see how that's going to play with undecided voters in Ohio. LAUGHTER Interestingly, some Americans have already voted as early voting becomes more and more popular here.

One of those people was President Obama himself who voted in Chicago yesterday in an attempt to persuade more people to do the same. Lastly, because 13 days from the election, a new national poll has given Romney a lead of 50 to 47 among likely voters. Now, it's a poll, Andy, so as such, it's at least 60 percent bullshit. But even so, that sound you might be able to hear is the sound of my balls crawling up into my stomach at the prospect of Willard Romney in the White House, one of the smallest houses he's ever lived in.

It's estimated that 7.2 million people have already cast early ballots and that about 35% of the electorate may have already voted by polling day. The projections are the Colorado may have 85% of vote cast prior to election day with Florida close to 2 thirds and Ohio may be around 40%. And they, as everyone, is only too painfully aware here are basically the only state that f**king matters. As your millions have already voted, and John, that is a, I mean, that's a risky thing to do, isn't it?

They must be now desperately avoiding the television. In case they suddenly look at Mitt Romney and think, you know what, I might have voted for Obama, but I have got it wrong. I want that man on my television every day for the next four years just to make me understand the possibilities of the hairdressing industry. And because they want to be reminded that we have a tax system that essentially means I subsidise his horse. Can I have my vote pack?

As you say, 35% of people have voted early, John. than that essentially means I subsidise his horse. Can I have my vote back? As you say, 35% of people have voted early, John. In some states, in fact, the results have been known since about 1830. So it's a very hard system to understand. And listening on the radio, as I said, it does make it kind of slightly more interesting. I mean, to me, that third debate took place

in a Swedish sauna with both candidates wearing nothing but a towel. And I think I've much easier to take them seriously if you can picture, you know, the fact that they're both kind of awkwardly scurting around Mitt Romney's tattoo of the Ghostbusters logo and I've gone with twitching his pecs whenever he talked about Pakistan. You'd think that most states would have an interest in running a full-fair election here in the US where no one had denied the right to vote, but an amazing move the Texas Attorney General has threatened to arrest international monitors who were planning on observing this election to watch for fairness at the polls, calling their mission legally irrelevant in

the United States. The group, the UN-affiliated OSCE, or the Office for Democratic Institutions and Human Rights, is sending 44 observers to voting stations across America at the request of various groups such as the NWACP and the American Civil Liberties Union after concerns that some states are attempting to disenfranchise minority voters by attempting to introduce controversial and completely unnecessary voter ID laws that have been largely blocked by federal courts after ruling that they were motivated by racial discrimination. Essentially, the Texas Attorney General has thrown a 10-gallon

shit fit at the idea of international observers being in his state, despite the fact that the US regularly sends pollwaters to elections in foreign countries. He denounced the OSCE as an interfering foreign body, despite the fact that America is actually a founding member of it, and that body was invited to observe both the 2004 and the 2008 elections by none other than President George W. Bush, the cartoon text and himself. But they're not there in 2000.

It's just unbelievable. Clearly, their memories don't go back 12 years or do, and they're quite happy with the memory contained therein. In fact, a Florida congressman who's currently running for Senate, Connie Mack, also die who tend to this debate like a confused scuba diver diving into a sewer. And he said that the very idea that the United Nations, the world body dedicated to diminishing America's role in the world, not sure that's in their chart of a dark, it must be there. If you read it backwards, the West country action. The very idea that would be allowed, if not encouraged, to install foreigners sympathetic

to the likes of Castro, Chavez, Archmodynichad and Putin to oversee our elections, is nothing short of disgusting. He then paused for breath, took another shot of crazy juice, slammed the empty glass on his head and continued, the United Nations should be kicked off American soil once and for all, and the American people should demand that the UN be stopped from monitoring American elections. The only ones who should ever oversee American elections are Americans. He then took one more shot of crazy juice before screaming, didn't get on TV for saying this.

Are you proud of me now, mommy? Are you proud of me? I'm on TV saying words. Why? Are you proud of me now, mommy? Are you proud of me? I want TV saying words. Why aren't you proud of me? But I'm out, I guess, I mean, he's got a point, John, because if they do find anything controversial in this election, they could install Fidel Castro as an interim president.

Well, that is within, that is within the UN remit. That's within the massive UN power that we've seen being wielded over the last century. I mean, they basically control the entire world as it's almost a fact, as it's peaceful progress towards global utopia can prove. Of course, a lot of niche voter groups that could prove absolutely critical,

Johnny Womart-Moms, I've had a lot of press coverage, Moms for any British listeners, are the same as mothers, but with bigger hair. Group of 20 Moms found in camped in the Frozen Spur Mile in a DeMoyne Walmarts. They gave the third debate to Obama, narrowly. Also amongst other crucial voter groups, water pistol, wielding dog owners, mostly men who own dogs, but still like to play around. Penguin, curious, bachelor's, they could be absolutely crucial, John Young, professional men who enjoy nature documentaries, and we'd like to know more about penguins, but

struggle to find the time due to the press rise 21st century jobs market. So any suggestions by the candidates in the last couple of weeks that they're going to put on more penguin based documentaries, that could swing one of these key states. There's Power Drill Grandads, the over 65 male who own domestic Power Drills. They form a crucial constituency in some parts of the mid-South East region. They could be swayed by electoral pledges to reduce taxes on screws, wall plugs and other DIY accessories. That's how democracy works, John. And if you don't like it, why don't you f*** off back to 1960s Hungary where you're going from? And also another absolutely critical voter group, the certifiable lunatics. Now, in any post-election, the certifiable lunatic

vote can prove absolutely crucial, as of course, 2000, amply proved. And it's not that America is proportionally more certifiable lunatic category voters than other countries. It's just that it's a bigger country and they're more concentrated in the critical swing areas. And many of them are in influential positions such as the Supreme Court or Congress or the Senate or even as candidates. So I mean, and there are more of them in America proportion than in other countries. So it's going to, when it all comes out of these things, John, if you're not on one

of those groups, you must feel kind of disenfranchised. The rest of the world clearly has a vested interest in the outcome of the election in November. And this is one area in which this race is not even remotely close because a BBC World Service opinion poll, again, it's a poll, so 60% bullshit, has found massively higher overseas approval ratings for Obama than Romney. And average 50% favored Mr Obama with 9%. 9% for Romney. This survey was of 21,797 people in 21 countries.

France was the most strongly pro-Obama, 72% in favor of him, a fact that will in no way help the president and may the fact be used against him. Do you want to piss off the French, vote Mitt Romney on November the 6th? That's a powerful message, Andy. In fact, of all 21 countries, only Pakistan's respondents said that they would prefer to see Romney win. And I think that might have a lot less to do with actually supporting Romney, and more to do with the fact that Obama has been droning the living shit out of them over the last four years. I think Pakistan are essentially saying, I think we'd rather roll the dice with someone

who hasn't dropped a near cartoon amount of explosives on us. I mean, sure, Romney may not be perfect, his tax policy seems vague at best and cruel at worst. But I think he's really strong in the area of never having dropped ludicrous amount of bombs on us. So if that makes me a Romney supporter, then I guess get me a Romney Yard sign

that I can stick into the rubble that used to be my house. But I think given that the influence of America wields around the world, John, I do not think it's, I mean, would be much fairer if we had to vote, you know, they should, I mean, they should, you think I mean, why can Ohio govern what happens in Pakistan? That's basically what's happening. I think that's absolutely true, Andy, but I think most Americans also want to know why can Ohio determine who governs America? It's also a smaller problem as well as a bigger one. Yeah, I mean, if the UN can impose Fidel Castro on America,

I guess maybe it's just the other side of that sea saw, isn't it, that Ohio can impose Romney on Pakistan? Yes. BELL RINGS Afghanistan update now, and in Britain the commons international development committee released a report arguing that the UK might have to recognise that creating a viable state in Afghanistan is not achievable. Yes, Andy, no shit. And that hasn't just been true for the last 10 years. It's been true for over 2,000 years.

When were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were were were you, when were were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were you, when were never remind him about that f***ing place ever again before throwing a gaudier not coffee cup at you. The committee advised that the UK should reconsider its ambition of building Afghan government institutions in favour of more traditional aid target, adding that there

should be more done to combat violence against women through support for women's shelters and legal services and ensuring education for women and girls should be a major focus. Adding in conclusion that in this committee's view, Afghanistan is, was, and ever shall be, a donkey f*** of the highest water. British economy news now, and it's over, John. The economy is over. No, not the economy. The economic downturn is over. We have had a single economic quarter of 1% growth, John, which means that

I think we are now the wealthiest nation in the world. There have been some rather cynical claims that it's only the effect of the Olympics that has caused us to bounce out of the second dip of our either two double dip recession. Well, I mean, it's very much as I suspect at the time, I'm not sure you did as well. The Olympics basically saved this nation, John. And we need more, any half decent government with its finger on the pulse of Britain instead of on the pulse of its own soul, wondering why there is nothing coming. Would legislate that we have to have at least one quarterly Olympics in Britain for the next 15 years to help us out of recession. That is what this country wants, it's what this country needs, but more importantly,

it is what this country wants. And it's funny how to know that the only person who would not be happy with that considering her face during the Olympics was the fucking queen, but everyone else, I think, would see that as a good thing. Well, she might take the opportunity to just pop a clock set. Well, she looks like she's just waiting for the right moment.

Yeah, that might be the time. Yeah. It is very hard to know the overall picture of the global economy. You do slightly get the feeling that governments, the world over, not so much controlling this rabid rhinoceros of a financial crisis. Let's try to paint some pretty nail polish on its toast and make it feel

better about itself. And also, they have absolutely no idea what's going to happen. Of course, the government have claimed credits for this, and policies have always claimed that when things go well, whether or not they're still in power, in fact, I spoke to Stanley Baldwin via Weegee Board this morning over breakfast, and he was insisting that his real-moment program from the mid-1930s wasn't instrumental in this week's better than expected economic figures. And of course, when things are going badly, blame is thrown around like a 95-year-old woman who accidentally entered a professional wrestling competition.

But you just get the thing, they just don't have any control. It's basically like cavemen eating berries, John. They just bite into an economic policy and hope that they don't keel over instantly. Haha. Dead man talking news now and a man in Brazil calmly turned up to his own wake this week, freaking the living **** of his family who had gathered to be by the side of his open coffin. So now you might think how did this work? Well what happened was that his family had not heard from him in a few months. When local police called to say that he'd been killed, he worked as a car washer and another car washer who looked really quite spookily like him had been killed.

His brother went to identify the body and mistakenly identified it as him. Cut to the man in question walking down the road, only to have a neighbour say, you'd better get home quickly, they're burying you today. At this point, Andy, I'm guessing there were just an absolute avalanche of emotions going through that man's mind, but if he mad is to just stop and think for a second, just had that momentary pause. He'd have realised it was worth putting some serious thought into that entrance, because that's a once in a lifetime opportunity, and he to really grab the attention of a room by the balls.

What do you say when you burst that door open? Do you just go with, tadaa! Or maybe, I'm a ghost, I should be invisible. Oh shit, how many of you can see me? Or perhaps just, what the f*** have you done to my secret twin? Yeah, I mean, at the very least, a bed sheet with my holes cut out of it.

That is an absolute minimum. I guess, I mean, it's interesting to see the story because, presumably in about 2000 years' time, people will be celebrating this man's birthday with a needlessly commercial festival. There's basically clearly what happened with Jesus. There were a hell of a lot of guys with beers. There's been most days.

That's true. It's true. It's been an absolutely ripped six packs. It could easily have been a case of mistaken identity. That's right. And rather than being honest about the fact that he'd been away for a few months and being the touch of it, yeah. I'm back.

That's right. I'm back. God, Jesus was away from it, wasn't he? He's back from the dead. Basically, guys been in the wilderness. It's uncannily identical, John. But also, there must have been also conflicting emotions for his family because, you know, are you pleased that your loved one is still alive or deeply annoyed that you've just pissed

away 150 quid on sandwiches you didn't need? And what's the etiquette on the coffin? I mean, do you tip the corpse to go out of the box and save it for someone in a family genuinely pops their clogs or do you let the current dead guy keep it and reach an agreement with his family that they will pay for your next family coffin price determined by an inflation linked index. I mean, these are just, the social etiquette John is just so ill-defined these days, it's just so hot and no-how to behave. Parents of the Year News now and Jay-Z and Beyoncé, real names Jay-Z and Viral in the third, have lost a court case in which they attempted to trademark their daughter. Blue Ivy,

named off, of course, after the medieval poison used to kill John F. Kennedy. Just it, actually just it, had a fatal effect on him about a second before he was shot. They also tried to trademark her name, Blue Ivy, and it's the ruling means that parents in America can continue to have female offspring for the foreseeable future after daughters were not trademarked. And it's been welcomed by some equality activists, but greeted by other prominent Republicans as, quote, disastrous news for the economy. Jay, the former World Ranked 34 Snooker Player, who can forget his Titanic Final Frame

Decider against two-packed Shakur in the World Championship qualifying, Prestatin in 1994. And Beyoncé, of course, the daughter of the former World Ranked Number 2 Snooker Player, Tony Knowles. Man, they're surely going to be ripping up in the crucible in 20 years time. You cannot fight genetics. They're basically the aggasy and graph of snooker. Anyway, they'd filed a petition to trademark the name Blue Ivy. Shortly after their daughter was born in January, apparently seeking to reserve it for you as a possible brand name for a line of baby

related products. Now, reportedly after the court case verdict, Jay-Z and Beyonce would devastated that their precious little bundle of commodity could not be protected by a trademark, raising fears that their house could soon be filled with thousands of knock-off imitation blue IVs. And let me tell you, John, parenting is tough enough with your own children.

When a legal counterfeit imitations of your kids get dumped on your dorm at every day, it gets at least twice as hard. Ha, ha, ha. The baby-related products, they were attempting if it imitations if your kids get dumped on your dorm at every day, it gets at least twice as hard. The baby-related products, they were attempting to potentially mock it down the line, include carriages, bags, and baby cosmetics. And baby cosmetics might be a phrase that opens up a portal to hell. I'm a little nervous about even saying it out loud. However, the problem was there was already a wedding planning business called Blue Ivy. That was the problem with this application, run by a woman in Boston, so she has effectively won the right to keep using that name.

The US Payton and Trademark Office has a rule that Jay-Z and Bayon say cannot trademark the name Blue Ivy, so the wedding planner can now continue to use the name without fear of being sued by a 10-month old baby. She said the wedding planner that she was initially surprised to learn that Jay-Z and Beyoncé had given their child the same name as her wedding planning company, saying, I was really blatantly shocked. I didn't think it was true because nobody names their daughter Blue Ivy. Well, that wasn't true. Was it, lady? You were being naive because if you're smart, Andy, you will name any baby the future after something that you can collect the royalties on.

And that is why I'm going to name my first child, the 1984 Audi 4000. That way, whenever one of those cars is sold, I'm going to be rolling in money, which is just as well, because I'm going to need to start saving for the 1984 Audi 4000's future. And also the countless hours of therapy that the 1984 Audi 4000 is clearly going to need after being labeled a commodity is such an impressionable young age. And the spare parts, of course, they are private and expensive. Now, I guess the question is, is this a good use of the trademark law and is this a good use of everyone's time? And I think the answer to both of those questions is clearly yes, because you cannot think too early about products placing your infants in the modern world.

Don't think of your child as a baby, think of them as a brand. Don't think of it as a birth, think of it as a launch. They're not born into this world, Andy. They're launched into the marketplace of life. Now, of course, some whiners are against this. Christina Mikkoulos, a trademark and intellectual property barrister, who clearly can't be that good, because the name Christina Mikkoulos is not trademarked at all at the moment. She said, a trademark's purpose is to let the public know

that goods come from a particular trade source, that your bottle of Coca-Cola or your arsenal t-shirt are genuine. Trying to register the name of a baby that, as yet, can't even speak, let alone endorse goods. It's a waste of time and an illustration of the depth to which celebrity caching culture has sunk. Well, here's the thing, you don't have to speak to endorse goods goods Andy, so that's her first mistake right there. That baby could easily hold up some kind of sign saying a company name,

or have a company logo painted onto its face. And I'm sure most people would take that as a full endorsement from the baby in question. I have to say though, John Ardys, for me it's questionable parenting, as I know only too well, and it's so hard being a celebrity parent. When as soon as your kid is born, the pat want pictures of it,

they want to know what it's cool, they want to see it, want to tell everyone about it, they start prying to it's life. So I'm not pat, sorry, my parents, but the point stands. And it's tough naming a celebrity as well, because you've got to make your mark with a celebrity, because you can lose your celebrity status if you give it a normal name. And I guess the choice is, do you give your child a sensible name

that needs no commercial protection? I guess the pros of that, no hassle, makes you look like normal parents, makes life easier for your kids, but the cons of that are no hassle, makes you look like normal parents, makes life easier for your kid. The other choice you've got is to give your child

a deliberately f***ing ridiculous name, and then try to slap trademark or copy or I'd protection on it. Now the pros of that, that makes you look like seriously abnormal parents and that has to be good for your careers. The cons are, well it could lead to tough conversations later in life when the kid grows up to be, you know, maybe five or six and starts asking questions about its life. Mum, dad, what did you used to do with me when I was a baby?

Did you tell me to the park? Did we go to the zoo? Well darling, we actually, we tried to turn you into a commercially protected commodity. Oh, why did you do that? Shut up and eat your dinner. I've had enough. I want my pudding. No, it's your vegetables. I want pudding, Mum. I love pudding. And I can see that you've made my favourite and it's ready to eat. Sorry, Blue Ivy. I just don't think you're ready for this jelly. Why do you always say that, Mom? Leech can you put something sweet on my broccoli to make it taste less disgusting?

Oh, okay, I know you usually have it on toast, but why not try this on boiled veg? Here you go. Yes, I want some more. And the Akashi one, and the Lavender Flavoured one, and the Greek one. Yes, all the honey's make it yummy. Ah, mummy's girl.

Wow. Well, I like, I've expanded my references. It was good. It was proper pop music from the last five years. Just about. Just about. Just about. I like the idea of Hello Magazine having a picture

of you in your shed, Andy. Yeah, matter of time, mate. Yeah, that's good. Matter of time. Music Your emails now and thank you so much for all your fantastic daredevil related emails which we will hold until next week that game that is a promise that could so easily be broken if Jay Z and Beyoncé choose to do something else stupid and you know I continue to likely focus the discipline to ignore it. So, firstly, Malice from Tristan who says dear John Andy

and Chris in likely order of being responsible for me getting a date, I just had to share this a few months ago, I got out of a long-term relationship and I've only recently started looking at getting myself out there again. In order to do this, I signed up at a popular dating website and when filling out my profile, I mentioned that the bugle was far and away my favourite podcast. Within three hours, I had three dates lined up with all three people mentioning the bugle and how great it was. I just had to share this that the bugle appears to be some sort of dating cheek-out near instantly getting you dates online. Perhaps this was how burlaskonia several of the guest lists for his bunga bunga parties. Hoping my dates are with actual women and not the internet pretending to be women. Tristan, well, Tristan, I think the truth is, you know,

when you're using the bugle to date people, you're probably either going to have a fantastic date that can become a life partner or you're going to get murdered. It's worth probably a risk. I was taking, isn't it? I'm going to probably have a 90-ton chance, isn't it? Yeah. So please, Tristan, please let us know how those dates are.

But also, it's saying as they're also bugles, please bugles who aren't picked by Tristan, because yeah, two of them, maybe we should set up a bugle dating sites part of them. Actually, Tristan's rejects. That is both a good frightening and potentially legally difficult. Any subsequent children were entitled to 10% of their life earnings.

Yeah, there's trade-bombs, those little f**kers. Yeah. Yeah, and the people's influence on the world goes beyond even romance. This comes in from Dr Charlie Nunn in Bath, UK, who writes, Dear Andy John and Chris, in order of how you all appear in the list of authors.

There you go, interesting. I'd like to acknowledge you all as co-authors in a scientific paper detailing the effect that the Bugle podcast has on bacterial cell culture. I'm a scientist working in the field of biochemistry. And one of the tasks I perform is to grow bacteria called Eskericiacoli, abbreviated E. coli. In large complicated vessels called bio-reactors, you sound like you are employees by the remnants of the previous Iraqi government.

E. coli are rod shaped bacteria that are commonly found in the lower intestine of warm-blooded organisms, and because of where they choose to dwell, these bacteria are nicknamed BUMBUGS by those unfortunate scientists who have to grow them. I was having some problems last week as the bacteria were refusing to grow despite me twiddling the knobs on the binary exit to adjust their food. This has so many wars start. It has to adjust their food temperature and air intake, which normally results the issue. There's a fairly new but now dedicated bugler. I then had an epiphany as I realised that what the bumpugs needed to grow was a constant dream of nutritious bugle bullshit to provide a closer environment to their natural intestinal

habitat. Convinced by my plan of action, I've presented, I've proceeded to put all the bugle episodes on the laptop in the lab and then left the bugs to grow overnight to the sound of the audio cryptic crossword and socialist hate cheese. What's going back a while? The pugnacious fog which greeted me the following morning when I opened the door of the lab was truly something to behold. The sheer volume and density of the bugle-stimulated

bum bug growth was unlike anything I've ever seen before and thankfully since, therefore, making this el-conceived experiment truly worthy of publication. So I may present the effect of audio stimulation on the metabolism of E. coli and a bugle bullshit by a reactor of bum box Journal of scientific obscurity 2012

authors none Charlotte Zoltzman and the Oliver John and you Chris So basically in this in these this email section week, we have become the God of Love, Eros, firing arrows into the hearts of buccalats, and basically an agent of biological warfare. That's what we bring to the table world. We can make you fall in love, but we can also kill you all. We never pretend it'd be something we weren't. Do get your emails coming into info at theBugle podcast.com.com. Don't forget your dead, ever emails.

We'll be on the show next week or in a subsequent week or never. Don't forget you can always, or you can also find us on soundcloud.com slash the hyphen bugle, the greatest web page in the history of the internet. No sport this week, there is no sport. There has been no sport in the world, apart from Madison Bumgarner pitching superbly in Game 2 of the World series, and just reminding the world of what an unfeasibly magnificent name he has. It is just outstanding. If you've got Madison Bumgana pitching to Albert Pooholes, you have a collision of two spectacularly named worlds.

No, that is a name. That is worth trademarking. Madison Bumgana. Yeah, that is a name. That is worth trademarking. Madison, Bob Garner. Yeah, that's exactly. That's a name that should have some baby monitors named after it. I used to suffer terribly with hemorrhoids until I bought myself the Madison, Bob Garner.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Uh, thank you for listening, Bueglers. We'll be back next week, subject to confirmation from Jay-Z and Beyoncé's lawyers. Until then, goodbye. Bye! you