The Bugle - Bugle 217 – Silvio’s Christmas Gift

Episode Date: December 14, 2012

In the final full Bugle of 2012 The Pope joins Twitter, census reveals extent of Islamic invasion, Silvio returns and Andy teaches India how to fight. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugleers, and welcome to issue 217 of the Bugle audio newspaper for a visual world weekliving Monday 17th of December 2012. The last full bugle of 2012, unquestionably one of the years of the decade so far with me and his auntsmen verifiably live in London, and if you don't believe me, listen to this. The unmistakable sound of the British Ooping Rat, hibernating. And joining me from the city that once hosted a meeting between Mike Simpson and Lizzie Jones, probably I've no idea who they are, but statistically at some point, two people of those names did meet. In New York, it's the man who's proved himself over the years, unquestionably a useful component of this podcast, I think most viewers would

agree. It's John Oliver! Well, careful not to oversell that, I think. You're quite the hype man. Hello Andy, hello, Bueglers. Well, frankly, you mions, we're still here. Apparently, the end of the world could technically come any time between now and next Friday, but frankly, I don't see any volcanoes exploding, Andy. So this apocalypse so far has been a huge letdown. I should have been surfing down a river of fire by now Andy and it looks like I've flown proof of my board for nothing. But welcome back from India. Andy, how was it trip?

I was excellent John. I can confirm the weather is hotter in India than it is in London in December. That is now, that's been scientifically proven now. That's not just a conspiracy theory. No, no, no, I think I do have evidence for that. Yeah. Okay. And now you actually got caught up in something of a football riots over there. Did you? Well, yeah, I mean, I wasn't personally responsible

for it. I was going to talk about it. Why would you say that? I'll talk about it in the sports section in the show. Okay. But it was, okay. It was certainly, you know, not what you picture. When you imagine India, you do not picture

a hundred thousand football fans going bonkers. Was it your attempt to bring some of the culture of our great national sport over to India in the hope that it takes off? Yeah, I mean, that's right. We've given so much to India. Yeah. And taken so much away from India.

That's, there's no denying that. Yeah. So as the British Museum can testify. So yeah, football, who look at this? I mean, that's one of our great defining national characteristics. And it seemed to shame for India to get the railways, but miss out on that. So. Well, we'll talk about later, Andy.

We'll talk about that later in sport. Yeah. And there's a lot of differences jump between India and Britain. Taxis, a bit more expensive here. You can cross probably the whole of India for what it costs you to climb into a London cab. And the difference between rich and poor is even more striking in India. Partly because in Britain we've learnt to apply the out of sight, out of mind principle, much more effectively than they have yet.

I'm sure they'll pick it up. It'll come. It'll come. As always, a section of this audio newspaper is going straight into the bin this week. Step by step guides to how to break the alleged non-existence of Santa Claus to your children. The time may have come once your children have reached you know the age of 13 or 14 to finally let them in to the fact that Santa Claus does not exist and we have four suggested ways to tell them. Method A, kids sit down, I've got some bad news.

I'm sorry but Father Christmas died in an 820 mile an hour slasmasch last night. One of his raindies, Snagged and Antler in an overhead power cable, don't worry, wouldn't have felt a thing. Now they don't really know why they were flying so low, and they did think they'd found the black box recorder, but actually turned out it was just a black box with a child's recorder in it. So, yeah, basically what I'm saying is you're not getting your BMX, unless you can put it together from the child wreckage spread over three acres in the field in northern Germany. Yes, Germany. No, I don't think it was too soon for him to have them back on the list of countries that

he visits. Yeah, well, it was terrible, and it was 70 odd years ago now. No, no, I don't think it was too soon for him to have them back on the list of countries that he visits. Yeah, well it was terrible and it was 70 odd years ago now. No, no, I don't agree with that. And technically it is now the sins of the great, great, great grandfather anyway. Method B. Yeah, bad news. Yeah, well, he's been arrested in a police probe. I'm sure he's innocent, but with hindsight, the way he dressed in his obsession with Giftsford, no, no, I'm sure he's innocent. Definitely.

Method C. Oh, you don I'm sure he's innocent. Definitely. But... Method C. Oh, you don't believe that shit, did you? Er, fat pensioners delivering presents, a hundred and a millions of children around the world in one night. Gratitude. And Method D. Yeah, I closed down on health and safety grounds, ramed in roaming around his office and word, workshop, crapping everywhere.

You might have been able to swing that shit in the 1970s, but not anymore. Thank you, bruttles. That section... in the bit. Top story this week. Season's greetings. Oh, it's a holodeb you go. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh't I, Andy? Ho ho ho ho ho. Uh, now, bugle as this episode is best listened to next to a roaring fire with snow falling likely outside and a rain deer slowly cooking over the flames. It's Christmas time, or any of the other holidays that crash land around this time of year,

I'd ask you what night of Hanukkah it is, Andy, but for the fact that I can be absolutely sure that you don't know. Well, they all blend into one, John, it's just such a nice choice. No, they don't. No, they don't, Andy. I mean, they very much don't. A candle's a candle.

Yeah. It's not not true, Andy. Not true. What a bad view. So anyway, the point is, before we go on break for a couple of weeks, we have a special holiday bugle to keep you warm and toasty. First up, Christianity News. This is the time of year, of course, where some Christians like to both celebrate the birth of Christ, and also bitterly complain about how no one else can celebrate anything unless it's also Christ birth based. For them, Santa has no place in Christmas celebrations,

unless he too is willing to be nailed to a piece of wood and bleed to death. Because for Christianity, Christmas is the most celebratory and also the most passive aggressive couple of weeks, imaginable. And in Christian's defense, Andy, Santa does only do good work one night a year

Jesus was doing it 365 days a year Jesus was a year round Santa if you will an all-weather Saint Nick a four-season father Christmas a 24-7 Cinta Claus Cinta Claus Echaicos Cinta Claus That's terrible what they did, isn't it? Just terrible. Look, let's move on, mate. It's not terrible.

It's just awful. Here in America, there are lots of Christians who feel inexplicably persecuted by being in a gigantic majority. But in the UK, Christianity recently had some news that it may want to genuinely worry about. In a major census, it was discovered that there were four million fewer Christians in England of Wales in 2011 than just 10 years earlier.

What happened to it? I thought it'd been hidden somewhere, Andy. What have you been doing with Christians over there? Because there's some very fat lions in London's zoo dropping their bellies going, oh, that takes me back. The census found that among those who stated London Zoo, rubbing their bellies, going, oh, that takes me back. The census found that among those who stated a religious affiliation, Christians remained the largest group by far, 33.2 million, representing 59% of residents in Britain.

This compares with 37.3 million, 72% in 2001. The census revealed that Britain's second most common category was no religion comprising more than a quarter of the population. So that is great news for atheists, Andy. They're gonna be so excited when they die. And they're welcomed into the embrace of just a black void a complete nothingness, say, yes!

Life was meaningless. I knew it. You're right. I technically don't win anything with this victory. I do now have a huge empty chasm as feeling inside, but it's still good to know that I was right. And that Andy will be a great time to have God suddenly switch on a light

and say, surprise, Christian God, it was me all along, look at his face. I will never get tired of seeing that shocked expression. Anyway, lovely to meet you. Enjoy burning an eternal hell. Wasted Sundays my ass. Hold on, turn the lights off. There's another one coming.

Everybody be quiet. Surprise! Well, this is it, John. You know, we're still over 30 million Christians in Britain, but almost none of them actually go to church. And I think people, it's basically just a cover bet. For exactly that situation. Yeah. If you get there, you're an atheist, you get pulled up by God on the way out of life.

And then you can say to actually, I did call myself Christian on the census form. Surely, just give me 10 years in the other place and then I'm allowed in. Come on. The Church of England is basically selling an insurance policy now, Andy. Yeah. That's what religion basically is. A spiritual cover bet on the annihilation of death. Wow. Why don't... Why isn't that little slogan hung outside? Yeah. What always Jesus loves you? You know, I've seen it calling it as it really is. it as it really is. The third most, is that is a great bumper sticker. The third most popular category in England was Muslim with numbers rising from 1.5 million to 2.7 million over the last 10 years. That's 4.8% of the population. Oh my god Andy. 4.8% of the population, oh my god, Andy. 4.8% of the population, but that's less than half a child

in every 10 children. The Muslims are coming, Andy. The Muslims are coming. It's happening. The Muslims are here. So look, it's a pretty big drop for Christianity. There's no doubt about that, even though they do still have some pretty good market share.

If Christianity was a business which it isn't definitely not, then the shareholders would frankly have some pretty tough questions to ask of the board. Church leaders in England have described the latest census figures as challenging. And so they already sound like an underprecious CEO at a yearly review panel right there. We know that this has not been the strongest quarter for Christianity, but we still believe we're a strong brand with broad appeal, loyal customer base. That said, the numbers can clearly be improved. The product can and will be tweaked. And if we have to go out there and attack our competitors, then that's what we'll do.

We've done it before, frankly, we'll do it again. Mark, my words, 2013 is going to see the kind of aggressive growth that we haven't seen since the Crusades, when we were sailing around the world murdering people. I don't say that lightly. Watch this space. Watch it. Catholicism is already making strides to modernize the Pope started tweeting this week. Not before time, John. Well, baby steps. The Pope started tweeting this week. Yeah, not before time, John. Yeah. Well, baby steps. The Pope started tweeting this week.

And that sentence alone, I think, may signify our descent into the fourth circle of heaven. I've shown you what an amazing year it's been, John. Two people you'd never expected to start tweeting. You've started tweeting. The Pope and you. Yeah. And Michael Afferton, the former England cricket captain. I think he just never thought would sully themselves

with the debaicements of Twitter. I think the purpose already sent more tweets than I have. Yeah. The focus, the focus is highly anticipated first Twitter message from his personal account. So what was that message Andy? He could have gone with what up bitches, pin you in your face.

You better recognize. I thought... I thought... Was it not... message Andy could have gone with What up bitches pillion it in your face you better read Naka noise Was it not I don't know if I'm following the official account, but I thought his first weeks was hey peeps Pope Ben here you're all sinners Jesus was awesome hashtag. Yes, I vat. E can What incredibly Andy neither of those for the actual message even though their great guesses and better than what came down His message was apparently sent from an iPad tablet as a Vatican and it read I don't really have the neither of those with the actual message, even though their great guesses and better than what came down. His message was apparently sent from an iPad tablet at a Vatican, and it read, , I'm pleased to get in touch with you through Twitter.

Thank you for your generous response. I bless all of you from my heart. And that was it. Not the funniest tweet you could have sent, Andy. And he opted not to end the message with hashtag I am the actual Pope, hashtag appointed by God, or hashtag my house is huge. But it was a very warm statement

to dip his toe into the cesspit of Twitter. As you mentioned, unfortunately, if my experience was anything to go by, before it even locked out of Twitter, someone would have sent the Pope a message telling him to go eat a bag of dicks. I guess holy dicks in his case and he, although I suppose any dick is holy when he's being eaten by the puts, you know,

that was, this was not the discussion I was trying to get in. The point is, I hope he's not checking what people are writing back to him. Other hashtags at Pontifex has used so far include hashtag drink a cup of blood hashtag. Oops, no, we are officially really quite sorry. And I mean that could have been his first tweet. Surely, yes, just called him a table. Sorry, we are very sorry. Hashtag fires of eternal damnation

and Hashtag watch out there really hot. The Pope, that's the earthly representative of Santa Claus has. Santa Claus, has... Santa Claus! Santa Claus! Has been tweeting in eight languages and has a number of other Twitter handles, aside from the official app pontifix, including app Benny Big Hat 16, app Rapunzel, burn 2012, app the mighty Miter, and app sinners to winners,

let's go to the and at sinners to winners, spelled with... Oh, that's good. ...seen as to winners, so... LAUGHTER Well, that's... This is the future, John. The future. After his first tweet on Wednesday, he... But very quickly posted two follow-up messages and then live-tweeted an episode of the X-Factor. The two follow-up messages were concerning

the churches recently launched Year of Faith initiative, intending to re-energize Catholicism. Although, as you were loaded to there on the earth, I don't think anything to re-energise Catholicism. Although, as you alluded to there, I don't think anything would re-energise Catholicism better than ending every toy he's sending with hashtag, sorry about all that John abuse. Hashtag are bad.

Hashtag, pretty should definitely not do that. Hashtag, seriously. And instead, his follow up tweets were, how can we celebrate the Year of Faith better in our daily lives before answering his own question with, by speaking with Jesus in prayer, listening to what he tells you in the gospel and looking for him in those in need? Ah, he's Twitter accounts already bullshit and he's just using it to promote stuff. I don't want to hear what projects the Pope has coming up Andy.

I want to hear what he's eating. I want to hear tweets like about to deliver sermon on balcony of some Peter's Basilica. That breakfast burrito might have been a mistake. Hashtag seemed a bit iffy. Hashtag always trust your instincts. Hashtag, hope my gown doesn't billow up too much. If you have to, we're going to hell, Andy. But that's not a new thing.

So you're not going any further. My feet are already toned. You can't beat more in hell than in hell. Exactly. Once you're in, you're in. You might as well just make the best of the best situation, isn't it? Or if he has to promote something, and he make it more personal, say,

you should really get Christ into your life. Look at where it got me. Exclamation mark. Hashtag having one of those Pope days. Hashtag humble brag. The Pope's English account already has more than a million followers and is growing fast And so far the Pope's accounts as you mentioned at pontif x which means that pontiff or builder of bridges are only following Each other or really Pope so not following at God or at Jesus or at the very least at Hello

Bugleers then. That seems a little hypocritical. And I've got a couple of words of warning for the Pope and the Twitter has gotten people into trouble in the past. People get caught saying things that they shouldn't be saying or sending photos that they shouldn't be sending. And I just hope Twitter doesn't bring him down by catching him tweeting pictures of his junk around. It's junk, Andy. You know, the junk he's got lying around the Vatican. Yeah, that kind of junk there.

We have the provenance of that junk. Yeah. And the trunks that is in, you know, when you can ask questions about that. Well, actually, questions can be submitted to the Pope using the hashtag ask, pontifix. And that is a big mistake, Popey, big mistake. He better get ready for a lot of questions like,

when I die, will my balls go to heaven too? That, from, not, absolutely, but let's go. Well, there are some actual questions. I was looking at the hashtag, and it's it. So these are some actual questions I looked at this morning. Hashtag answer, ask, some actual questions. I was looking at the hashtag, and it's it. So these are some actual questions I looked at this morning. Hashtag answer, ask pontifix. Holy father, do you have any suggestions

for people hoping to deepen their prayer life? Thank you. So, you know, that was not too bad. Or maybe these questions are gonna work out. Here's another one, app pontifix. Hello father. When will you come to Indonesia? Hashtag ask pontifix.

And then a smiley face there as well. So that's also, that's very nice. face there as well. So that also is very nice, I was welcome there. Here's another one, high at PonteFX, regarding turning water into wine, uh-oh, here it comes. I can turn wine into piss, is it a miracle hashtag AskPontFX?

And here it comes, Andy, the final one, hey, when you're gonna address the rampant child right in your church? Just curious, hashtag AskBondFX. See, and that is why this was probably a bad idea, because preaching to the choir is one thing, but preaching to the internet is a whole nother caboodle of trouble. The Pope, whose Christmas present from his work colleagues in St Peter's this year,

is rumoured to be a personalized car license plate, BXV1, to go on his boatmobile. He's increasingly committed to interacting with his followers using new media and later in the week he's going to be holding a chatroom INA session that's inquisitioned and answered so do join in for that. Chris was GIF's feature now and if you're struggling to find a perfect gift for that special someone, then we may be able to help you. Maybe you'd like to take your inspiration from News International and give someone a 10.9 million pound pay off. Because that's a potential.

Was that the right one? No, it was. That's the point, Andy. All right. It was. That's what they gave to Rebecca Brooks in compensation for loss of office after she lost her job following her involvement with a phone hacking scandal. And that's a pretty great gift, Andy, because they could have got her £10.9 million in gift certificates, but then she'd have had to spend

them at those particular stores. Now she can just spend the money anywhere. And all on lawyers. The most likely, resentful. Well, the point is she can choose. Yeah. Interestingly, Andy, when we were fired from the times, I don't recall getting a £10.9 million pay-off to you. Maybe that checks in the post, or do you have my £10.9 million check-out home, Andy? Well, can I pick it up when I'm in London next week?

Well, we need to talk about it, John, because, you know, I've picked up a lot of costs over the years. That's always the headline figure, isn't it? I was the real amount, it's often so much less. Perhaps our mistake, though, Andy, was that we weren't fired for being involved in phone hacking. We were fired for being annoying. And it turns out that just annoying and pointless. It just doesn't get you the kind of, some kind of severance pay as an issue. If you'd spent your time, Andy, hacking phones

instead of hacking out puns, maybe millionaires per hour now. I just wish I'd had the foresight to ask Santa for that when I was a little boy, Andy, sitting on his lap in Birmingham shopping centre, saying, wow, Santa, I'd like a football and a bike and a 10.9 million pound payoff for helping British journalism stick to a new low, please. Well, yeah, if you're asking for it, you'll probably get it.

Yeah, he's good like that. Now, if you're looking for a gift for someone that's a bit out of the ordinary, then how about this? The first ever African city edition of the famous board game Monopoly has been launched, and the city in question is Lagos, Nigeria. Two countries in Africa already have Monopoly editions, Morocco and South Africa, but there is no single city that has its own customized edition until now. And if it seems a slightly odd choice, Lagos, it's worth knowing that it's actually one

of the fastest growing cities in the world. And there was a lot of speculation over what areas would make it to the various squares on the board. The coveted Mayfair slots for the most expensive property went to Banana Island. And the least coveted, the cheapest slot on the board, the Old Kent Road spot, if you will, went to Makoko, which is apparently a slum on Stilts over the city's lagoon. And slightly better than the Old Kent Road in London. Wow.

I mean, that's exactly it. It does kind of put the divide between the developed and the developing world into perspective. Because the Old Kent Road, look, sure, it's not the nicest area in London, Andy. But it is frankly to put this in the most pleasant possible way, a f*** of a lot nicer than a slum on stills over a lagoon. Banana Ireland is a man-made island for the super wealthy in which they can cut themselves off from the people whose resources and money they have effectively sold. Sorry, in which

they can give themselves a bit of peace and quiet away from the hectic tells them. Racking their country forward to become a 21st century economic powerhouse. And it was one of the headlines I saw was Africa gets its first version of monopoly. Well, try telling that to the 19th century colonialists, exploited Africa until there were almost no plights left to X. The scramble for Africa might sound like a charity fundraising crawl through a giant sand pit to raise awareness of the plight of the Saharan desert donkey. But it was in fact a 19th century charity fund stripping event over several decades to raise awareness of the need for European countries to establish economic control over the entire world that would sustain them for the next 100 years and provide them with a steady supply

of tusks with which the war does. Other aspects of the game have been especially tailored for Legos, like the Go To Jail cards, which read Go To Jail, go directly to Kirikiri Jail, referring to the city's maximum security prison. One of the chance cards reads, for attempting to bribe a law enforcement agent, pay a fine. Another says, you've been caught driving against traffic, report for psychiatric evaluation. I'm guessing that the other Nigerian chance cards reader, you've been kidnapped and a ransom has been demanded for your return.

Lose a turn and a finger and a Nigerian printer's inherited millions of dollars. Send in $500 in cash immediately, you can share part of that fortune. But so that's an interesting one about the attempting to briber a police officer. Yeah. Because surely the reaction to that is just bribing with a bit more. Because that not area has quite spectacular levels of corruption. A former senior World Bank, World Banker, OB, Ezra Quasili stated that $400 billion of Nigeria's oil revenue has been stolen or misspent since 1916. Now that's quite a lot, particularly what you consider that about 80 million people over half the population live on less than $2 a day. So $2 billion a year of oil is just stolen, John.

So, the oil loop holes in the rules, in Lagos monopoly. For example, if you buy an oil well, then you can just help yourself to all the money in the bank and to clay yourself the winner of the game. Ha, ha, ha. Oh, if you're still stumped for gift, you may want to take some inspiration from Silvio Burlusconi, who has decided to surprise Italy

with the gift of himself. In fact, he's not just giving himself to Italy and he's giving himself to the whole planet. He's tying a bow around his penis and saying, happy Christmas world, lots of love, Silvio. What's happened was that the Italian Prime Minister, Mario Montias, announced that he will step down from office after losing the support of Burlusconi's party, triggering an Italian election early next year, in which Burlusconi, in a shock move, has announced that he will run. So, you know what this means, Andy? The horn dog is about to return to his own vomit.

This is all the more impressive. So you can see how you might remember, Bueglers, just six weeks ago, Burlusconi was sentenced to four years in jail for fraud. It's a Christmas miracle, Andy! Ha ha ha! Well, as you say, John, I mean, this is, you know, in what's been a tough year for the world. This is a shaft of light.

The world in 2012 has had a lot of problems. The Syrian crisis has rumbled on like the indigestible carry of conflict and compromise that it is. The haribous bringers proved to be not quite as buying-ears springers might have been ideal. The European economy has continued to fire bullets into its own balls while saying, why is this still hurting?

I've coached these bullets in an anesthetic. The American election showed quite how far the definition of democracy can be stretched and twisted without it snapping into pieces. And British morality has been on all expenses paid scuba diving trip to the bottom of the ethical Mariana stretch. So what we need is a little bit of life. Wow, that's a hell of a review of the year, I think. Plus there was the Olympics, you forgot that.

Well, when sport did its best to provide that light during the Olympics and the Paralympics, but even that was not enough, it needed more. The magic royal baby will solve all the world's problems. But it's not due out until the middle of next year. So bravely stepping into the breach to give us hope we're all around his gloom. A one man war against sanity and tedium. Yes. Silvio Berlusconi riding to the rescue like a morally inverted robin hood on a horse made of shit.

At the first Christmas John, God gave his own least son to the world. Born under an Norwegian spruce and wrapped in scents with some flashing light round his head. So that we might be forgiven for our sins or something rather I forget. Testifying. Well boy, people found the loophole in that being forgiven for sin and small print. But then almost 2,000 years later, he gave the world his only Silvio burlaskoni. It might find laughter where otherwise there were only tears. Italy has dabbled with technocracy and it is responded to that by saying,

Ma ma mia no no no no. It doesn't want Burlusconi back for what he does, John. Obviously not, they're not that crazy, he's a nation. It wants Burlusconi back for what he is and what he represents. The utopian democratic ideal that anyone can rise to the top, provided that they are a lunatic with a wide range of social psychoses and aversions of not putting their penis in things things, industrial strength, makeup and hair dye and ruthless control of the media. He's an inspiration to us all, John.

Oh, the truth is, I think we all saw this coming from a mile off because the choice between Mario Monti and Burles Goni was always going to be a difficult one for the Italians. It's like choosing between broccoli and cocaine. You know that one's good for you. The problem is, you're addicted to cocaine. And the two men couldn't be more different on the one hand Mario Monty is an economist and an academic, a dower man tasked

with imposing strict austerity measures and balancing it at least books. On the other hand, Burlesconconi is a one-man walking sea-allis commercial. He walks around all day in the permanent haze of a chemically-induced boner. So it looks like Italy is about to once more seriously consider taking back a man who not only got them into this financial

mess in the first place, but he was also being charged with, among other allegations, bribery, drug trafficking, prostitution, mafia collusion, false accounting, and embezzlement. Let me tell you Andy, the only crime that Burlesconi's guilty office being too Italian. That as well as perjury illegal financial fraud. Look, Italy. Italy, look, taking him back once is an understandable mistake.

Taking him back twice is because we don't know Silvio, like you and Silvio, he's a good boy. But re-electicking four times, that's gonna start to seem like you have a serious self-esteem problem. I'm telling you, Andy, it turns out the only way that Italians can make clean breaks

with their leaders is if they end up hanging them on meat hooks outside petrol stations. And this might all seem absolutely crazy, but here is the thing. You've got to look at this from Italy's point of view, their economy is in the toilet. Unemployment is over 11%. It's not fun over there, and that's a country built on fun. The difference between Mario Monti and Burlesconi is this. Let's say you're at a very boring party. No one is really having a good time. And then your crazy friend turns up with a keg of homemade tequila and a trunk full of Mexican fireworks. Sure, you know that the house is going to get wrecked. But you also know that the party is about to get a f*** of a lot more interesting.

So I guess what I'm saying is, good luck to you Italy, you crazy bastards. And I think, John, Mario Monty deserves a lot of credit here for resigning, because he's clearly looked at himself in the mirror, and then he's looked over his shoulder at his nation, Italy. And to his eternal credit, he said to himself, no, I Mario Monty cannot give the Italian public what they want. I might be able to give them what they need, but I cannot give them what they want. And he clearly wants burlose going back just as much as everyone. Yeah. Yeah. He's a person. He's not Italian Andy. That's right. If you cut him open, is he not delicious? The point is, Bughlers, you don't need to get gifts for anyone, because Burla Sconey

might be coming back. And now, quick rundown of other Christmas gifts, exclusively available to Bughler listeners, including an exorcised bike. Are you worried that one of your loved ones has been possessed by evil spirits? Then try the new Medievax exorciser G6. Place the possessed victim on the exorcise bike and as they pedal an automatic micro-priest will rise from the handlebar to incant prayers and invocations to a programmable range of saints. Whilst the electronic readout screen displays animations of religious icons screaming, Outs demon, Outs! Comes complete with a demon

electromagnet to stop the exercise demon escaping into a house or local neighborhood, also available in other religions with occult and secular models due for a lease next summer, endorsed by the International Association of Exorcists, which is a body that does actually exist, John. The IAE. Also available, the Tan Trompoline.

The world is an increasingly highly strong planet in this 21st century, 24, seven communication culture. We all get wound up by things like work, friends, family, life, gadget, stuff, news, s***, things going, people trying to sell us shit, other things, and the constant threat of disappointment and death. So sometimes we just want to let it all out

and lose our fruit big time. But how to do it without insulting loved ones getting the sack, being arrested and charged with a public disorder offense or breaking a stained glass window? Well use the Tantrumplean to bounce up and down, which is pretty scientifically proven to release pent-up rage 45% quicker than standing still. The Tantrumplean could both give you the fury for and you need and save you valuable time, Manufactured by leading Erassasoothing accessory firms Splenetico, with high-tech bi-labsorbent fibers, the Tantrumpoline is fully soundproof to enable you to curse, up-raiden insult those close to you in 100% privacy, and is fitted with a wireless rage gauge, so you can tell how many more bounces and stops you need to throw before you're fully padded out.

From the makers of 20Teldon, 10-stop-selling personal fury gym, the Apple Plectipod, the Tam Trumpleen is 650% bounce here and four times as effective. As its closest market competitor, the Exasperax Miff mattress. Can't be used in conjunction with the Steve Redgrave Rowing machine for a complete decolorousization. I'm a pro-grow.

Also, for the home, Hanki Pankies, Hankerjee's mulled on the tanker's family, luxury bed Lenin, sleeping sheep shaped like the pelt of the late former communist pin up Lenin, and on pillowcases bristle with replicas of the beard famously worn by the pioneering Soviet. And the Tellus Pope, the Vatican Indoor's Tellus Pope, to see the world how the pontiff sees it, and make some things appear much bigger than they are, what's been completely blind to other things. And also, the greatest gift.

Anyone can give each other all themselves a buglevolunto subscription. Oh, very nice. Guarantee you free downloads for the length of your subscription or life, whichever ends soonest. Of the already free of charge, that could potentially have been listened to by the world's 100 most influential people, brightening your friends and family's Christmases, by telling them what you have paid for them to listen to something they could already have listened to at no charge anyway if they'd ever heard of it and thought they might try listening to it.

See, the pretend joy in their faces, they tell you how much they'd always wanted to indirectly help secure the future and independence of a program that had previously entirely escaped their fear of consciousness and tell you that as a gift it beats the crap out of the bottle of Bulgarian mullah you gave them last year and you'll subscribe to the bugle, we'll cost you anything between £1 and £10 billion depending on how much you decide to give. We'd suggest around the halfway mark between those two figures or maybe 20 quid. It's up to you, but we guarantee there will be no present that goes down better this Christmas with me and John. And if you do subscribe, you will get a free copy of

Sylvia Burlusconi's new fitness DVD, Jogs Debating, the ultimate cardio workout. And very well at thebugelfodgast.com. Do not use in conjunction with alcohol. Not advise for children aged between six months and three years. Children aged three to twelve should listen to the bugle in five minutes, those are just do not mix with real news. Indian news now and well John had a fantastic time in India but and it is a absolutely captivating nation and it is a nation that is embracing modernity even as it struggles to come to terms with

the drag of the past. This week, it showed what a modern nation it is. More than 100,000 Indians sung the national anthem together in an attempt to break a world record, which was previously held by any guesses which nation they might try to childishly trump in a pointless world record attempt. Pakistan, that's right John, And this is what the world needs. Not childish tit for tat arms races and nuclear grandstanding, but childish tit for tat attempt to break pointless world records. It's like the Cold War space race all over again, John. That was

all about world records, the Soviet Union. Set the world record for the longest walkies by a doggy, America set a world record for the furthest man from Albert Kerkie, Neil Armstrong. I mean, he set a strong target, a few people have matched it, but no one's actually beaten it. And also, then the Eastern block hit back with the most suspiciously masculine female athletes, so whilst America then took the lead with most jet packs used in the Olympic opening ceremony.

How the f**k does that record still stand, London? That is a scar on our nation. 125,000 people sang the Indian national anthem at the cricket stadium in Canter. Smashing the previous records held by their neighbors and friendly nuclear rivals, Pakistan. But John, I can't not feel you, this is an opportunity missed.

When you've got 125,000 people in the stadium, you don't want to set one world record. You want to set loads of world records. Most people to sing Kylie Minogue's, I should be so lucky, largest communal chicken impression, most people describing bread, biggest game of musical statues, that would take a minimum of six weeks to play, based on 30 seconds per statue, not including arguments over who's the last to stand still, loudest collective shouting of the word. Most people to simultaneously say Florence Nightingale, oh yeah, I so would. And best of all, they should have set the record

for most people to sing the Pakistan National Anthem at once. Just to Royal them. Yes. Just to Royal them. This is the future for international diplomacy, John. Just try to set infantile world records. MUSIC Just try to set infantile world records.

Food news. Quintuple Michelin starred celebrity chef Arneelian Braup has unveiled a new menu and is much gallanted London brassotter on the super-oating flesh wound. The menu is themed around the career of the legendary boxer Muhammad Ali. It begins with a densely compacted black-current moose, the Cassie's clay, served with a sparring partner of controversialised Vietnamese refusals, then follows the Mohammed Dali course. Fish more in a ham on ebarcho, served with an Indian mental curry and a tab of ecstasy, Mooham Adal E.

Then after this comes the crumble in the jungle, a traditional crumble to be eaten in the jungle style that's simultaneously jumping up and down and gargling, served with a rabbit punch and a rope at hope that's in twine vermicelli noodle string seasoned with marijuana. And to conclude the griller and vanilla to prime cuts and meat tenderised against each other in 14 brutal three minute poundings, then grilled in a vanilla bean crust served with a punch in the face to flavour the dish with the pineapple's own blood, then accompanied accompanied by coffee and French truffles, flavoured with strawberry and shaped like eyeballs. Joe Frazier. I think I'm about to say which I mean happy Hanukkah.

You go logo composition and I think we said we'd announce the winner this week, but guess what, but well guess what buglers We've overaccured it again and we're about to be a chance at other video. That seems so unlikely How would we have done that? So we're gonna save that for a special awards announcement Bug Micro Bugle next week John's coming back for a few days off back in his former country if he gets a Immigration which I'll see about that. Yeah, I've picked them off already. He throw That's right. Which I'll see about that. Yeah.

I've skipped them off already, he throw. So we will confer and make a final, final decision on the new bugle logo. There's been some tremendous entries and we'll put the best of them up on the website once we've announced the decision. And so next year is going to finally be just over a year after bugle independence, like the commercial ruthless machine that we are. That's true. Launch bugle merchandise.

And thanks again to all those who sent emails in. We've also run out of time for your email. So we might chuck a few of them in the micro-bugle. Next week, don't forget to look at the bugle soundcloud page, soundcloud.com slash the hyphen bugle. And don't forget to give your loved ones the bugle, valentos, subscription for Christmas. We can build a better world by which I mean,

we can sustain this podcast for another year. That's what helps build a better world. Unquestionably. No, it doesn't hurt it. No, it doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt. It doesn't have any effect on her at all, let's be honest. It's not adversely impacting significantly on the world.

I think we can say that. That's right. And you can take that to the bank and take it to the hoop, John. Dunk it! Sport now, and as John mentioned earlier on, when you when you think of India you think of many things you think of Cricket first of all of course you think of Curries Rickshaw spiritualism highly impressive gods with an unnecessary number of limbs Bollywood corruption on a level that makes RMPs with their fingers and the expenses by look like they picked up a loose 10-pence piece and not Reported as the cops you think of the British heroically providing railways a unifying language and logistical expertise to a nation forming from thousands of different subnations

on a vast scale, and then you also think of the British heroically exporting hundreds of thousands of tons of Indian crops during a famine in India, causing millions of deaths, swings and roundabouts. But what you do not think of, John, is football matches with crowds of 100,000 people

going noisily berserk. And that is what I went to last Sunday, the Colcata Derby, East Bengal against Moan Baggan, the old rivals, like Real Madrid and Barcelona, but more so. And it was incredible. It was a raucous atmosphere, untainted by some soulless map it on a public address system,

telling people how excited they were getting. There was noise, there was color, there was a slightly alarming number of naked flames and there was considerable surprise that four white British people had turned up to watch. And it was amazing we were sitting in the East Bengal and with their extremely exuberant fans we offered food, drink, cigarettes and when a sweet seller took advantage of my obvious westerners to charge me ten rupees for a little packet of sweets instead of the two rupees that it should of course, the people sitting around me stopped in and

made them give me some change. So then the football began amidst this amazing enthusiasm, flag waving in an extremely casual attitude towards throwing fireworks over people's heads, and the quality of football was neither here nor there. Well actually it was both here and there, and the eye here and you, John, over there could have fitted in quite seamlessly. But it was magnificent, fun watching this, the spectacle of a hundred thousand people going bonkers for a pretty low grade football game until just before half time, each Bengal went one-nil up. A Mohan Bag and Play was sent off, shortly afterwards, for verbalating the referee.

And the Moan Bag and fans lost their collective bananas and started throwing bits of masonry onto the pitch. A bit of brick hit one of their own players who was carted off unconscious to hospital with a broken jaw. The police waited into the terraces and people just fled to the stadium. The general pandemonium at the far end of the ground was the East Bengal fans just carried on blindly setting off fireworks in their own faces

whilst the moaned bag and fans fled for their lives. Play restarted 20 minutes of Mayhem later for the 10 seconds left till half time, after which the moaned bag and team refused to emerge for the second half. They then followed about 45 minutes of the East Bengal team sitting on the pitch waiting for their opponents to turn up. Before people started to start running out of fireworks to let off in a dangerous manner and drifted off home. And the game was called off. They were 40 people injured, a crisis in the Indian Football League, and it was truly eye-opening experience.

What have you done, Anthony? All that is good and bad about raw, unadulterated pre-commercial sport. But most importantly, one, two, three, Spengal, one, two, three, we are top of the league. Did we know top of the league? Talk about the result, John.

Talk about the result. Paul's panel verdict, home win. So that's it. We'll be back next week with the micro bugle with your emails and the news of the new bugle logo recorded live in London with John and I in the same room for one of the very rare bugles. And then there'll be be best of the year package in between Christmas and New Year and we'll be back hopefully the first Friday,

Stroke Monday of 2013. So that's it, buglers. Have a phenomenal Hanukkah if there's any of it left. Which may or may or may not be. Yes, there is, Andy. There is. Oh my God. I mean, what is it?

What is time? It does matter. What is time? And why don't we just celebrate these things. It's all about you get a day. That's the whole point You're always not gonna be any more pleased or sad. It's not how you pronounce his name Near reggae Oh, I love you, Glus.