The Bugle - Bugle 218 – Cliff Diving

Episode Date: January 4, 2013

In the 1st Bugle of 2013 the US going cliff diving, the Germans get angry, Mohamed Morsi gets dissed and 'Old Crownhead' gives her annual speech. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello, Bugleers and welcome to a brand new year of Bugling. Hang on, what was it 13 years ago? 2003 at 10. It's 2013! I'm Andy Sultman live in London 2012. Oh, I don't know, it really has gone stochstrom. Let's look at the positive side. One year closer to a next London Olympics.

And joining me from New York City, which is still, as we speak, part of the USA after a last-ditch deal between Republicans and Democrats, not to launch it into space, vaporise it, decommission it, or sell it back to the Dutch. Well, they're coming together for the good of America. Or is it essentially electoral self-interest? Who knows? Does it really matter? In New York, it's the man who put the greats into emigration.

That's what his audience is in Brickensets when they heard the Happy News. It's John Oliver. Hello, Andy. Hello, Bugglers. Happy New Year, Bugglers. Whether you celebrated by sleeping through it or strapped yourself to a firework

and with shot spectacularly from Sydney Harbor Bridge, I hope you had a phenomenal time. I myself was in San Francisco and I spent New Year's Day, the first day of 2013, on a flight back to New York, watching a man who was clearly still on drugs from the night before get booted off the plane. How the hell he got on board in the first place is beyond me Andy, but I heard the poor old lady who was sitting next to him go up to the flight attenders just before the flight took off and say, the man next to me keeps kissing my hand and telling me I look like his mother. I don't know what's up with him,

he doesn't smell of alcohol and thankfully they didn't have the heart to say does he smell of ecstasy at all because that's clearly what's still pumping around his fried head due to the fact that last time I saw him Andy he was in his seat dancing to the sound of the engines as the playing taxi back to the gate. So happy new year, Bueglers and happy new year to the drugged up lunatic that I nearly had to spend five hours in a confined space with until he was unceremonially tossed from the flight like a f***ed-up pancake. What a way to start the year, John. What a start.

Start as you're very much made to go on. We are in a new year, one year, closer to the merciful, claw of death for us all. And as always at New Year, we start to look for how to improve our lives in this week's section in the bin, is New Year weight loss regimes, how to help yourself lose extra pounds. And also in this case how to help others do so too, with a new insulting weight loss regime. And we do have to insult people in public spaces properly as well, a full stream of unprovoked invective.

You'll then burn off your excess Christmas calories, fleeing for your life through crowds of bemused onlookers with side steps and swerves. Requires also improve your core musculature and gymnastic flexibility when finally called corners by your insulty. Avoiding his or her flailing fists, feet, handbags and heads will sharpen out your fast twitch fibers, estimated weight loss 20% of body mass per 10 public sluggings off. We also suggest that you eat wearing a medieval suit of armour, the hassle of shoving the food through the slit in your helmet, will soon prove too much in your drink of fruit smoothie through a straw and be done with it, estimated weight loss

40% of body mass and equivalent of half a 12th century crusade. And also, we reviewed a new range of psychologically provocative weight loss foods from dieting specialists to endal guts. Their new Ampropa more foods range in plant with a special chip, a lot you get in those birthday cards that play tunes when you open them, so that when you're forks skewers, for example, a little sausage, the injured sausage squeals, begs for mercy and heart-rendingly pleads for its life with tales of how it's aging, relies on it for fanatial and practical support and has already seen 465 of her sausage children die the same way. Top story this week, America goes cliff diving.

And well Andy, at midnight on New Year's Eve, America technically went off the fiscal cliff, majestically, film and lewising itself over the edge of basic human reason. Sadly, it wasn't a full economic bunch of jumpers and agreement was in place hours before the deadline, it's just that they didn't then vote on that agreement because there are souls. And that's the only reasonable explanation I could come up with. I looked at the timeline of negotiations, I crunched the numbers, and that seemed like the only plausible justification for not voting. Sure, we could vote on this agreement that we finally reached.

There's just one problem. I am an asshole, at which it's really going to get in the way of us getting this done in time. I'd apologise, but I'm not going to because you know I'm an asshole. Well John this is surely part of America you know it's written into the constitution that no American should ever allow the common good to interfere with parties and grand standing or being an asshole. So I mean you can can't argue this, John. If it was valid, 200 and 25 years ago, it is valid today. Instead, they voted two days later, and the vote passed both houses, meaning that although America technically went off the cliff, it somehow managed to snag its underpants on a branch on the way down, hung there for a day or so, and then managed

to scramble its way back up. The discussions went right up to the Y. The president was forced to come back early from his vacation in Hawaii, as with the rest of the leaders of both parties, all complaining about being forced to come back as if anyone but themselves had put them in this position. And the run up to the deal was to put it mildly, f***ing tense. At one point on Friday, things got so heated

that John Bainer, speaker of the house, reportedly told Harry Reid to go f**k himself. They were apparently the White House lobby just outside the Oval Office, and with no agreement in sight, multiple sources reported that Bainer apparently pointed a read and said, go f**k yourself! Harry Reid then said, what are you talking about? Which is clearly not the greatest comeback. He was both right. Yeah, comeback. He's been a ride.

Yeah, exactly. Do we just made a reply again? Go f*** yourself. I think, unfortunately, you just have to give that snaps battled a banner on the Friday. Oh, I mean, that's basically just a condensed concentration of American politics. Yeah, well, it does really go to show the depth

to which the tone of the political discussion in America is song candy because that was some low linguistic limbo dancing he was performing and Harry Reid himself was not immune to throwing infertile tantrums because when the White House sent him a list of suggested concessions for the next officer of publicans, Reid apparently read them, crumpled up the paper, and then threw it into a fire. Into a fire? Who the f**k does Harry Reid think he is, Andy? Does he think he's in Lord of the Rings? There is only one way to destroy this offer, and that is to toss it into the fires of internal doom. Or, you could just say no, Harry. Because Harry Reid clearly

thinks he's a subcultiv of Tolkien character Andy, in the state of constant war with conservative orcs, and I'm not saying that he doesn't have a slightly hobbit-like appearance. I don't think anyone would be surprised if he turned out that Harry read lived in a tiny house in a hillside with a giant wizard. But none of that justifies him throwing things into a fire, because that is unernd drama Andy. If he was a naturally flampoyant character, then fine, throw things into a fire because that is uneramed drama andy if he was a naturally flampoyant character then fine throw things into fires but he is

possibly in fact definitely one of the most boring human beings currently breathing on earth so he doesn't get to throw anything into a fire he just gets to file things carefully in his no-pile so the democrats viewed by many many Republicans as essentially the political wing of Al Qaeda and the Republicans did finally reach this deal. But John, was it a deal that hit the problem under the carpet, or is it more that they were just grinding the problem into the carpet, partly because there are already so many problems under the carpet already that the carpet is only a few inches from the ceiling. I think they just paint problems to look like carpet.

It's much easier. Then you can leave the carpet exactly where it is. So having narrowly avoided this plummety of this fiscal cliff, America is now nervously conneviling its way over a fiscal grand canyon with its fingers crossed, hoping that it can somehow crash on the other side without too many fatal injuries or broken limbs. Or failing that, that someone can find a cure for gravity before it plummets to its doom. Obama has said that he hoped after this that future negotiations will entail, quote, less drama, a little bit less brinkmanship, and not scare the heck out of folks quite so much.

Now, I'm not American, but that to me seems like probably the most unpatriotic thing of President of the Senate since Ulysses S. Grant was overheard saying that he preferred a good camembert to a slice of Monterey Jack. That is what American democracy is all about, John. I'm not just American democracy, but all democracy needlessly contrive drama, irresponsible brinkmanship, and scaring the shit out of people so they'll let you get on with defusing the poisonous snake you just bought, annoyed, annoyed and wiggled in their faces. And Republican Lou Barletta told The Washington Post,

I don't know if playing chicken with the American people at this point is in the best interest of the people. Well, I guess the thing to do, John, if you don't know something like that, is to find out by test against. You cannot have that uncertainty hanging over politics and hanging over the people of America. You need to play the chicken, see what happens and work out whether or not it is in the best interest of the people and more importantly whether or not you as a politician give a shit either way.

So what was the agreement? Well in, it seems to have pissed everyone off. The agreement seems to be essentially, let's find some almost impossibly intricate balance of trade-offs that will infuriate literally everyone involved in this negotiation. Because it seems that everyone has walked away from this angry Andy, and I don't know how that's even physically possible. In short, the Bush era tax cuts have been kept for everyone earning $400,000 or less, and taxes will go up on couples earning $450,000 or more, or at least they should go up until various tax accounts and start limbering up for some fiscal yoga, twisting deductions into what looked like legally impossible positions before walking away having

somehow paid even less than before. The Democrats at least won tax increases on the wealthiest Americans, and in return, the Republicans managed to get the administration to agree to a just a two-month extension of the sequester. Automatic cuts to defense spending and domestic programs that were supposed to be triggered generally the first. And all this, essentially, sets up another colossal showdown in just eight weeks. What the f*** is wrong with these people, Andy? Is it any wonder that Congress

has a lower public approval rating than most serial killers? Well, yes, John, as you said, to get to this deal, there was more horse-tried in than at a French food market. And the only people who seemed in that are a French food market. And the only people who seemed pleased with this in the end were the global markets, which rallied strongly after the deal was reached. But as we know, John, global markets as recent in history and not so recent history has proved time and again are platinum-grade shifters. A moral dickbag's with a vacuum for a soul whose relationship with ethics is similar to the relationship between polar bears and penguins. They have no idea that they exist, but if they did, they would eat them, then they would form in them up and eat them again before belching and saying, oh, it's down a tree. After the deal was reached, both sides posed,

for the commemorative photographs, as if they had nice new Christmas scarves that they'd given each other around their next scarf that looks suspiciously like bower constrictors. And I guess time will tell whether this deal has put the promise into compromise or the urr into fudge. Will it solve the problem? Or will it prove the economic equivalent of having a car with severed brake cables and fixing it by installing a louder sound system so that you can't hear the other horse honking at you as you plummet down a hill. Will it prove to be a great escape? Or will it be the equivalent of Zebra's having just avoided a hungry pack of lions by hiding in an abattoir in pantomime cow outfits? Will it be a success?

Too early to say was Captain Scott's expedition to avoid suffering from heatstroke in 1912 for success? Well, of sorts, it was, but at some cost. And it's a short-term face. It's been a problem with short-term fixes throughout history. Ever since dinosaurs tried to self-derising threat of rackel, Welsh and a bikini by calling in an asteroid strike, I guess it's just too early to say. Egypt News now, and you remember Egypt and the country with the pointy houses, slightly creepily fond of cats. The bangles like the way they walked, you know the place. Well,

they were of course one of the highest profile participants in the Arab Spring last year, a spring which hasn't been quite as bouncy as many Egyptians would have liked especially as it currently seems like they're currently bonking their way back towards dictatorship. And as we talked about before, Muhammad Morsi has given himself sweeping new powers, calling them an early Christmas present to himself, which was extra suspicious, considering the fact that he is definitely a Muslim. He's a card carrying Muslim.

Sorry, did I say card? I meant Quran. He's like, card carrying Muslim. Sorry, did I say card? I meant Quran. He's a Quran carrying Muslim. 2013 is shaping up to be another spicy year for Egyptians with Tariq Square looking more and more like a permanent campsite. Life is said to be increasingly difficult for Egypt as a decline in the value of their currencies causing widespread inflation.amed Morse and his Muslim brotherhood government may pay quite a political price for that. Weeks of political turmoil and violent protests had already damaged the Egyptian economy,

which was not in the best shape of its life in the first place. The Egyptian economy is essentially like the Sphinx Andy. It looks remarkably good from a distance, but when you get up close, you realize that half its face is falling off. Panic investors and ordinary Egyptians have rushed to switch their Egyptian pounds into foreign currency and more so he's big problem.

He's faced a huge backlash of his fast-tracking of the new Egyptian constitution which many see as being more repressive than a Victorian parent. And his current unpopularity means that he now can't afford to introduce the tax rises that he can't afford not to. He has postponed tax increases which will be part of an austerity package vitally needed to secure an IMF fund loan of $4.8 billion. So he said he's got a choice, Andy. The IMF loan is viewed as vital to dig the country out of its financial crisis, but to get the loan, he'd have to almost certainly present with massively unpopular measures. So he's starting to understand what freedom is all about, and you see?

That's what being a modern leader in a democracy is like. Your job is essentially to choose between eating a shit-kip-ab or a shit-soof-like. It's a democracy fun. And the poor of Egypt, once again, getting a little bit exercised about the impact of these problems on them, because it is they who get hit hardest by this inflation, yet again the silly old poor never seem to learn their lesson from economic history and the poor, very much in Egypt and around the world, remain the world's testicles in any economic smashing the balls. It must be very frustrating for more, because if you're a dictator and people start to get

all testy about trivial issues such as the price of food, you just roll a few tanks through a marketplace and boom, problem solved. And if not problem solved, then at least problem silenced, which is basically problem solved. But he mustn't forget that there is a genuine plus side to running a country in a democracy. And that is that when you lose an election, you're generally not murdered and your body isn't dragged through the streets. So you know, swings around about. And it does seem that the powers that be in Egypt are responding to this uncertainty by going back to doing what they do best, restricting freedom of speech. That is a club. They've always got in their

back, Andy. Whenever they get into trouble, they can just pull it out, swing it around a bit and problem solve, or you know, problem silence, and you know what they say about that. But a popular Egyptian comedian called a Prasemiussef is currently being investigated by prosecutors for allegedly insulting the president. Now I happen to know this guy. He's come to New York a few times and I see whenever he's here and knowing him, he probably did insult the president. And he gets what more.

See, that is another shit sandwich that you have to learn to chomp down. Because when you're a democratic leader, people are going to call you an asshole, and you just have to take it. At least in this case, you were actually being an asshole, so it shouldn't hurt too much. It's when you're not being an asshole, and you get called one anyway, that is when it really can bother you, and it's bywithstanding that level of baseless abuse. That is where truly great leaders are forged.

So, all of the reasons behind Egypt's economic problems, well, I guess she got a look at 30 years of dictatorship, the ensuing social and political unrest and upheaval and certainty about the future, not enough sfinks anymore, having blown everything at once earned, building f***ing great triangular tombs to plonked dead pharaohs in, and the lingering ripple effect of the various plagues God sent to the Egyptians all those years ago.

I mean, they've never fully recovered as a nation from the locusts or the frogs or the deaths of an entire generation of first born potential wage earners, entrepreneurs and taxpayers, but particularly not after that, all enable their imported foreign workforce to skip the country. I mean, that's a big economic upheaval, John.

That's going to take you at least 10,000 years to recover from. And this, John, harrowingly puts everything into economic perspective. Data has showed that Egypt's five-year credit default swaps jumped from 27 basis points to four and a half month highs from the previous close to 515 basis points and That's terrible unless it's good. I couldn't have put that any better myself. I don't know how to feel about that. Oh, I do. It's confused. Confused and slowly irritated. A formal complaint was brought against Busseh M. Yousef for

undermining the standing of President Morsey in his television show by an Islamist lawyer and a gaggle of angry shigs. I think that's the collective now for a group of angry shigs, isn't it Andy? I can't remember. It's either that or a squawk, a squawk of angry shigs. Anyway, after Bussem made fun of them for their complaints, they came back at him even harder, accusing him of sexual immorality and poor hygiene. Now, which of them is worse at the together, they're certainly unforgivable. Yeah, I mean, it's quite impressive to be able to do the one whilst also suffering from the brother, I guess. Exactly, they've called him Basem Zipper, the Varmant, and claimed that he doesn't know how to wash after he uses the bathroom.

Listen, Andy, that's a big allegation. And it happens to be one that I have a little personal information on, because I've been close to the same on more than one occasion, certainly well within sniffing distance, and I can tell you, he smells divine and like a wet forest or a puppy wearing high end after shave. So those shigs shouldn't be lashing out

in anger unless they've got the fragrance evidence to back that shit up. So it's good to see this level of playground insults. Yes. In, you know, kind of life and death political arguments. Yeah. Yeah. In, you know, kind of life and death political arguments. Yeah. Yeah. He seems to easily get too serious. Yeah.

Well, in response to all this bullshit and, you know, in case, by saying does get taken in for questioning, we, as a bugle, are going to step up. We stepped up to make fun of Mubarak in the past. We can step up again to make fun of Mursi. Honestly, their names are so similar. We could probably just switch them out and use the same jokes and all with no jokes. But we're not gonna do that. So for Busem and the people of Egypt,

and to ensure that Andy and I are never gonna be able to take a trip to see the pyramids, let's do this. When he was a child, Mohamed Morse says he can remember riding to school on a donkey. That's straight, because that donkey remembers riding to school with a douche on his back. Boom! Boom! That's strange because that donkey remembers riding to school with a douche on his back Now having more see as a PhD in material science from USC That's interesting because I have a PhD in shall have a B.H.D.

Mammoth. He know it gives us shit. Boom He apparently titled his dissertation high-tempered Electroconductivity and defect structure of Dona Doat A L203. He subtitled it, otherwise known as the Reason No Girls Everyone Have Sex With Me! BOOM BOOM BOOM! Hey, but have it! Howdy Spelt Democracy!

I'll give you a clue. It's not a spell. Why are you? Boom! Hey, but have it! What's black, white and red all over? Your country's budget! Boom BOOM BOOM BOOM!

Hey, how many Mohammed Bosses does it take to change your light bulb? Not, he gets so much to do it. He's completely out of touch with his people. Boom! Boom! What can you say, Madam Man, who's admired, loved, and respected by everyone? You can say to that man, it's not Mohammed Rossi! Boom, Andy, boom, boom, boom! And John, do you think, is this helping your friend

bass and mute, do you think? I guess time will tell, Andy. Yeah. I've just got one more joke. And let's see if this will calm the situation down. My Amin Morse is actually married to his cousin. I don't need to say anything about that, but Western values are a bit weird. Boom!

Boom! Boom! I can't have heard, can it? What, it can? Oh, shit. God news now, and there's trouble in Germany, John, after family minister Christina Schroder suggested that God might not have a gender, that he might not be the straight up guy that's religious types of always assumed that he was John.

Now, I mean, this is caused a lot of trouble in Germany and as we know from history Germany doesn't always need that much provocation to trouble itself with stuff. Particularly not when God of some kind or other is involved, but it's very interesting to suggest that God is not necessarily a guy. And I can see what people have got worked up about this, John, because when you look at God's, you look at his tendency to do something adequately then kick back before he's properly finished it and I'm dead all the kinks. Then rest on his laurels, expecting everyone to carry on

giving him big props for shitty day days ago. That's definitely a male trait for me. So proud to vote about severe rational temper, he finds compromise difficult, likes to get his own way. Didn't really take a hands-on role in this kids upbringing that started to interfere once he got older. And also a tendency to be either domineering or a loofing conversation. God is a guy, John, 100% because guys are different for women. That's your, I've got it now. I've got it.

That's great. You're career to go through the roof. That is big time. It's a big news. There has been a huge political outcry in Germany over this. Not quite as big an outcry as when they, you know, got us all for nothing. Well, in fact, the outcry wasn't that huge at the time. That's how we got away with it. You know what, it was ages ago, we can move on past that now. There's been a huge political outcry in Germany over this.

The Christina Schroder suggesting that God may not have a gender. In German, the language has three definite articles for nouns to indicate gender. There! B! Und das! Beautiful language, Andy, just so melodic. The noun der Gott, or God, is masculine, but in an interview with Desight, Schroder argued that the article for God should not matter and that could just as easily be the gender neutral, Das Gott claim that the article doesn't mean anything. Big mistake Andy. Big mistake, not quite as big a mistake as when Germany, you know, it's just unforgiving for me.

But this was a pretty big mistake too. What was she thinking Andy, tried to make a nuanced linguistic point. There's a time and a place for that kind of talk, and it's nowhere and never. She's received wave after wave of criticism from fellow German conservatives, Bavarian social minister, Christine Hyderthauer.

It's got so much such a beautiful one. So sonorous, isn't it? Not listening to a bird's tweeting of a morning. Yeah, I said. She said, I find it sad when our children, due to blatant insecurity and political correctness, have the strong images that are so important to their imaginations taken away.

Well, what strong images are they exactly, Andy? An old man in a white beard sitting on a cloud. Oh, that's right. That's far too important and entirely subjective image for children to lose. If they can't imagine an old Caucasian man sitting on a cloud above them, pulling the strings of the world, how are they going to keep not thinking about how else the world might work? But sadly, this gender Nazi, whoops, probably, can't use that term, this gender Hitler, hasn't stopped there. Kiss Roaders also criticized in the past the sexist gender roles in classic children's books,

such as the Brothers Grimm fairy tales. She said they are often sexist, they're seldom positive female figures in there. Here's the thing, that would not be my first point of contention Andy with German fairy tiles. So many of them in Germany seem to end with children having their hands cut off from the start. Stroll Peter, alone, which of course written by Heinrich Hoffman for his three-year-old son, has some of the following stories in it. A violent boy who terrorises animals and people, eventually he's bitten by a dog who goes on to eat the boy sausage while he's bedridden. There is the dreadful story of the matches, where a

girl plays with matches and then burns to death. There's the story of the black boys. Nicholas, Saint Nicholas, that is, catching three boys teasing a dark-skinned boy to teach them a lesson. He dips the three boys in black ink to make them even darker skinned than the boy they teased good lesson Germany There is also a the story of the wild huntsman It in it a hair steals a hunter's musket and eyeglasses and begins to hunt the hunter in the ensuing chaos The hair's child is burned by hot coffee and the hunter falls into a well presumably to his death. Sleep well children and of course there's the story of the Thumbsucker and Mother Warn's son not to suck his thumbs. However when she goes out of the house and he resumes

his thumb sucking a roving tailor appears and cuts off his thumbs with giant scissors. Well I guess that doesn't explain John why through history some German children have grown up to be rather twitchy German adults. All I'm saying is the gender bias of German fairy tales is the tip of a psychotic eye. There we go historians discuss. I'm about to start learning German. For what, Chris? Well, I just thought, I wanted to get like these storylines, truly in my head in their native tongue.

I think I have a more poetic ring there. Yeah, because I'm sure those terrifying stories sound so much more soothing than their barks at you in German. Yeah, because they's another story apparently, which you'll be able to read in the native German, which I'm sure will just be beautiful. One of the other stories is that, Degas, you've done von Superkasse!

The story of the soup Casper. As Casper, a healthy strong boy proclaims he will no longer eat his soup. Over the next five days, days he waste away and dies. FWECKED BAR! ASS DONG! Still none of those are quite as harrowing as the story of the German football team winning the 1954 World Cup against the Vastig Superior Hungarians. Garyens. Feature section now and Happy New Year!

Well, what a new year it was for the world, John. And just some amazing things happened over the Christmas New Year period. The Queen for the first time ever was in 3D, actually and for her Christmas message. During filming she was so fascinated by the technology that it took 25 takes for her to recite her seven minute message without touching the end of her own nose, just to see if it was real. That's right, Andy, the queen, old crown head, old money face herself, has set a new high bar

for Christmas and New Year's speeches. Non-British people may not be aware that the Queen famously does a Christmas message to the nation, on Christmas Day afternoon and the nation traditionally, gathers together as a family to drunkenly fall asleep in front of it. To the point that I believe in 1987 she actually set off an air horn in the middle of her speech to wake everyone up. In the past, she's talked about the importance of service, of the pride she has in her country, and of how she definitely didn't have Princess Diana killed.

This year, she brought up, she took a little twist, as you mentioned, and for the first time, she did the message in 3D. That's right, if you had 3D glasses at home, it was like the queen was in your living room, looking down her nose right at her. And they even had some background footage of the broadcast of her watching the message

back wearing specially made 3D glasses adorned with Swarovski crystals forming the letter Q on each side. That's a power move, Andy. That is strong. That's basically a crown for the eyes. That is strong. That's basically a crown for the eyes. That is, that is basically the queen embracing hip-hop culture, isn't it? What? Blinging up.

I think it is, Andy. They're the kind of sunglasses so ostentatiously obnoxious that they would make Kanye West go, shit, why do I not have a pair of those? In fact, in many ways. And changing his name. He does. He does. He does.

The queen really does live the life of a rapper and he, ludicrously big house, likes to wear a wealth and has a song about how great she is. LAUGHTER And all that she had, I mean, that does add up actually, because throughout the Christmas messages this year, Prince Philip was in the background grabbing his nuts. LAUGHTER

During her message, the Queen said, Prince Philip was in the background grabbing his nuts. Joriga message the Queen said, as London hosted a splendid summer of sport, all those who saw the achievement and courage at the Olympic and Paralympic Games were further inspired by the skill, dedication, training and teamwork of our athletes. Impa pursuing their own sporting goals, they gave the rest of us the opportunity to share something of the excitement and drama. Oh, so hold on. She did enjoy watching the Olympics.

Would she like to go back in time and tell her fucking face about that? Because she seemed to sulk away through the entire Olympics as if she was furious that she was being forced to watch a bunch of sweating peasants run around and occasionally throw things without one of them getting eaten by a lion. I was at least expecting her to mention in the message, oh by the way, sorry about sitting through the Olympics opening ceremony, looking like a slapped trout.

LAUGHTER Well, I can tell you why she looks so annoyed by that job because she knows how the Honours System works now. Any Olympian who gets a medal, Well, I can tell you why she looks so annoyed by that John because she knows how the honor sister works now. Any Olympian who gets a medal, basically does the job that their vast public funding suggests that they should do. Now gets an honor and she's clearly thinking ahead to having to hand out all these honours, thinking, oh, for fuck's sake, I've got a 15 MV east of fucking rowers.

That is going to test even my royal conversational gambits. She obviously had quite a year, the queen, from jumping out of a helicopter, drawing the opening ceremony, to get spectacularly rained on during the Jubilee Flotilla, to having her granddaughter-in-law's whaps splashed all over European papers to now expecting a great grandchild, but the biggest disappointment,

regarding for 3D Christmas message was the criminal underuse of the 3D technology. Andy, I wasn't expecting CGI. I wasn't expecting the Queen to deliver the message, riding a fully armoured giant pigeon across the skies of London. But at least throw some peanuts at the camera or something.

Wagle aceptor around so you can reach out and touch it. Don't just sit there so motionless that people are having to lift their 3D glasses up and down to check whether it's actually working or not. Did you say a number of other interesting things in the speech amongst them? 86 years young, free boat rides down the town, still got my bonds on the bank notes, crown still fits, can't complain. She also commented how she would chop, quote, chop any of you f***ers heads off, yeah please. And the Olympics were top sausage, James Bond, I can't confirm all man, and that's for you St. Valt, if I was 60 years younger and or not Queen, well, she also said some of us in the royal family this year, here Oakley managed not to be photographed with our croncletimer hoopies dangling all over the place

some of us clearly didn't and Concluded although sprouts have gone right through me like a Chinese dissident through the legal system pardon me Mystery of course surrounds exactly what the royal family do at Christmas John Christopher Windsor Castle is of course one of only five houses, which Father Christmas actually stops for a chat. And a drink. He first-hand delivers his presents to the excitedly giggling monarch, gifts which this year included a full-size replica Lamborghini Countach, made of parts of real Lamborghini Countaches,

but with a pair of Shetland ponies under the bonnet for a more regally-paced ride, plus a chemistry set, something the Queen has always wanted, but never had the courage to ask for. And a bouncy castle, modelled on Windsor Castle, made of a special triple sprung inflatable granite sandstone alloy, described by experts as the comfiest bounteous stone-based substance in the universe. Then once the glorious magisteriets has finished opening the gifts and Stozen her stocking,

the Queen grants Father Christmas a 10-minute personal audience to find out what British and Commonwealth children have been asking for that Christmas. And it's this that's enabled her to remain her emotional bond with her subjects for the entirety of the first six majestic decades of her glorious 200-year reign. They then down a slug of sherry each, fist bump in accordance with the old tradition, and she personally chooses one of Father Christmas's reindeer for Prince Philip to hunt down, capture, interrogate, torture and shoot on Christmas morning. Your emails now, this comes in from Eric Glazer, who writes, er, to John Chris and Andy. In the days before this Christmas in the US, there were hundreds of flight cancellations

and re-routing due to bad winter weather. Exhausted at 10pm on Christmas Eve, I found myself stranded roughly 300 miles from my final destination in New York City, and it was beginning to snow, rather than admit defeat. I decided to rent an SUV, a cooked with four-wheel drive, and kick nature in its face. Yeah, it's about time we did more of that in this planet. But too long we're just going to fight you with snow. Fight back with a vehicle. That's right. With a vehicle that will also contribute massively

to the global warming that will melt all future snow. Ha, ha, ha, yes. Take that, Bertie, a little shit. Having flown for thousands of miles leading up to the start of this stressful all night drive, I decided to take some precautions against impending physical and mental exhaustion. That's what Christmas is all about.

The solution for my physical exhaustion was obvious. Copious amounts of red bull over caffeinated cylinders and piss water in hand. I believe that is their official advertising slogan now. I consider my options for combating my already considerable state of mental fatigue. Perhaps I should take a leaf out of the CIA's book and blast Metallica through the sound system to force the lead present for rent slumber. Well, that's it. It was Noriega, they tried that with, wasn't it?

Why not? Why not? Did he drive very far? I don't know. Perhaps listening to an engaging book on tape. No, in order to ensure that I arrive safely for Christmas instead of surely ending up with Flower Covered Makes It Memorial on the side of a snow-covered highway over bars, the answer was clear. The bugle, the wellspring of bullshit provided by six and a half straight

hours of non-stop bugles. I kept me here and enough to safely negotiate the snow storm. That is very dangerous. Say for a few of Andy's longer average pun runs, during which I found myself gazing wistfully off the side of the road into the inkey blackness of the frozen tundra. or should I say pundra. Oh, oh, oh. I must give credit to Chris here as well treating Chris as intermittent but rather regular vocal interjections as a sort of college style drinking game. Down it!

Down it! Make me wait to face my consumption of red bull properly. So all in all, the bugle saved my life, sort of, but it definitely saved my Christmas. Many thanks. Eric Laisor, ask great, great to know that we are a... That's good. ...a driving aid as well as the world's last best hope of freedom. There's another email here from Vic who said dear Chris John and Andy in order who would

get the best presents from Santa. I have discovered the easiest Christmas presents. Instead of giving gift cards that will almost definitely get lost down the back of the Christmas tree, I've been giving donations to the bugle. The reaction is quite beautiful, especially if they do not know what the bugle is. I normally have to follow the opening of the car where I've scrolled a donation as we made in your name to the bugle with it's a very worthy cause whilst nodding with a sincere expression. All the best for viewing the future of Vic. Thank you very much Vic and thank you for the image in my head that you've just placed there and we, thank you. So just happy to contribute. Happy to help.

I hope they're okay. And don't forget, you can always give presence of voluntary subscriptions to the bugle at the bugle website, thebuglepodcast.com. And don't forget to check our soundcloud page. Soundcloud.com slash the hyphen bugle which will hopefully this week be updated with the new logo which we told you about before Christmas. I'll stick it on the on the Twitter. We're just waiting for the high to come through from the should take you to hopefully yeah hopefully not take another 12 months But anyway, we hope you like it when you see it

Well, that's all we have time for in this first bugle of 2013 what a year it's been so far a John you any New Year's resolutions for for yourself for the planet, for the year ahead? Just to keep on keeping on. Andy, you know, just a resolution so broad, it's literally meaningless. I think that's... Ask us what new years resolutions and all other forms...

Achieveable goals, that's right. So what resolutions and all our forms of religion are all about? Personally, my newest resolution is to cling onto the full-clin' islands. So... LAUGHTER From our cold, dead hand archentee. That's right. I mean, I've made another request to have it back. The President Kirchner, the other day, could end up...

Going through the courts, as Britain has finally offered some concessions, they've all to settle the matter once and all with a leader versus leader wrestle. Now Kurdish人 has claimed she'd have to fight the monarch, that's the 86 year old queen, whereas British Prime Minister David Cameron insists that he, as they head of the political executive, should be the one oiling up in his underpants and vaulting into the rig. And securing the future of the islands of have written with his trademark belly splash off the top turn buckle. Now that is a phrase John that I learned that I think you used in a bit of standoff about 10 years ago and it remains the extent of my wrestling terminology. Well, you know, it's a, it's a, it's some knowledge, am I? Some knowledge, not all knowledge. Nope, some knowledge. Not saying that, it's really some.

Yep. So that keep the foreclubs. Which I mean, I's not really anything to do with me. But, you know, I'm sure they're lovely this time of year. That's it for this week's Beagle. We'll be back with Bugle 219 next week. Until then, goodbye. Bye! you