The Bugle - Bugle 220 – The Cheat Hits The Fan

Episode Date: January 20, 2013

The latest on Lance Armstrong, fake footballers wives, gun control and the contents of your burgers Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugglers and welcome to issue 220 of the Bugal for the week beginning Monday 21 January 2013. We are now officially in what used to be known in days gone by as the future and I'm in London, which even early in the year is all set for yet another title as Britain's most populated city six million ahead of Birmingham. Easy, easy, easy, and in Sacramento. Yes. Which sounds to me John Lutton-Verve rather than a place name. It's John Oliver. of the place name. It's John Oliver. Hello Andy. Hello, viewers. Yes, I'm in Sacramento and the umber about to leave for the airport to go to Seattle. And basically do the essays around America at the moment. What is the point in touring, Andy, unless you're willing to do it alphabetically? At least you can do.

America is still in the midst of flume of heaven. At the moment we're still sitting on top of an erupting flucano, surfing the wave of a gigantic flume army. And when you can tell them not feeling great still and because those are three puns right there and you know exactly what I think about though. Well I don't know, maybe you've been ill up until now and you're just getting better. Well that's one way of looking at it.

The East Coast in particular has been in the situation where basically everyone is thick at the moment. There was a point last weekend when it had definitely become a slight national panic. They were running out of flu shots, there were huge angry lines of people demanding them and I was at an airport last Saturday where the atmosphere was one of real suspicion one guy in the line of the uh... for the plane cost and people immediately shot in vicious glasses if to say don't you get me sick i will punch you in your congested face if you try to get

me sick i'm remembering your face right now and if you give me the flu i will track you down and I will kill you. New York is facing become an episode of the Walking Dead. There are some people shuffling around slowly, groaning like zombies, moaning and grabbing out for help and the rest of the people walk around with masks on their faces and shovels in their hands so they are fully prepared to beat people to death with if they try and infect them. So, 60 years ago, tomorrow, if you'll listen to this on Monday, was the opening nights of Arthur Miller's The Crucible, the smash hit, witch-based blockbuster that sensationally blew the lid on the sale and witchcraft scandal.

Just 260 years after it happened, recent archaeological research suggests that around 85% of people in the 1690s were witches or warlocks, and during the 20-year period in witchcraft was at its height in America, the population of frogs dropped by between 95 and 120%. In fact, so overcrowded was Salem with witches that in 1691 alone alone there were 84 fatal midair broomstick collisions in the town. Thank god Miller put a stop to all that. And it's also 25 years since the day that Abraham Lincoln would have died had he not been assassinated in the 1860s. Scientists reckoned the 6 foot 5 inch president and hat fan, with a lot of popters clogs of natural causes until he was aged 179 by which time historians

calculate he would have been assassinated a further 16-18 different times, mostly in theatres, but also twice whilst practicing golf at a driving range and once by being pushed off his own face on a trip to Mount Rushmore. And as always, a second of the bugle is going straight in the bin this week, TV reviews, including a review of the new reality TV show, Pray or Sly, in which leading religious figures are presented with hypothetical crime scenarios and asked whether they would pray for the redemption of the perpetrators or personally slay them in a vengeance-fuel frenzy of score-settling, a computerised god- God programmed using the characteristics of the world's top 20 ranked leading deities each scored out of 10 for qualities such as

benevolence, irassibility, infantile vengefulness and oversensitivity to moral criticism and lamponing. We'll then decide whether that was the correct verdict. All that section in the bin. the lie at your career is on fire and the it happened uh... couple of night ago the cheat finally hit the fan

lots of strong sat down with over a win free on her own uh... network channel which on a side note, America suddenly realized as one that it had. She began the interview with a flurry of yes, no questions. It was a very dramatic opening to the interview. She said, did you ever take band substances to enhance your cycling performance? Yes. Was one of those band substances, EPO?

Yes. Did you ever blood dope or use blood transfusions to enhance your cycling performance? Yes. Did you ever use any other band substances such as testosterone, cortisol, or human growth hormone? Yes. In all seven of your Tour de France victories, did you ever take band substances or blood dope? Yes. And with that, Andy, it was basically done. I loved it. If Oprah had had the balls to get those answers, and then just leave. Ask that final question in all seven of your Tour de France victory did you ever take band thousands of broad dope?

Yes, and then say, okay, I think we got it. You're a live piece of shit, Rob. I'm outta here. And then take off on microphone and leave Armstrong sitting there for 90 minutes awkwardly, occasionally looking uncomfortably at the camera and if they should be asking, uh, is she coming back? He did mess up big time. I think in conclusion, Jon, on balance having heard now both sides of the story, I think he was probably doping. It's hard to tell what the thing is,

on after everything that's gone before, after more than a decade of deceit, why should we believe him now? I'm sure it's got more reason to allow now than any other time. So I think on reflection, the conclusion from this interview has to be that he was bullshitting through his artificial teeth and he was always clean. It really was a sensational start to the interview. Basically, in 30 seconds, the entire symphony of lies that he spent the last two decades aggressively perpetrating came crashing to the ground. One of the most incredible moments was when Armstrong, who had pretty much just openly

stated that he was a human pincushion of hypodermic needles, stated that he never really saw what he was doing human pincushion of hypodermic needles stated that he never really saw what he was doing as cheating. He said, I kept hearing that I'm a drug cheat, I'm a cheat, I'm a cheater, I went in, and I just looked up the definition of cheat and the definition of cheat is to gain an advantage on arrival or foe that they don't have. I didn't view it that way. I viewed it as a level playing field. And he should really have looked up the world arsehole, made the maniac and pathological liar because those definitions might have run a few more bells for him. Trying to split hairs by redefining the definition of the word

cheat is like still gripping onto the rock that you were clinging onto on the side of a cliff before it gave way and you fell 200 feet to the floor. You lie on your back, you have 75 broken bones, but you're still gripping the rock in your hand saying it's fine, as long as I hang onto this, I'll be fine. Of course, after all the recent revelations by other cyclists and the 1000 page report detailing as Mr Meeners is live ban and the stripping of all of his titles, discovering that Armstrong was doping, it's a bit like seeing a bear confessing to shitting in the woods in an interview with Ricky Lake.

You kind of knew all along that the bear did shit in the woods. You just never expected to hear the bear himself say it and you're not entirely sure that he chose the right avenue to break his silence on the matter. He's still not being able to apply himself to the word cheat. He's spectacular, isn't he? It's almost like the word cheat wasn't doing what he needed it to do, so he started to pump some more unnatural definitions into it, to enable it to perform semantically to the

level where he needed for success. Sure, lots of people stretch the definition of word-dandy. He's just leveling the linguistic playing field. Apparently there were various takes of the Intu before Armstrong finally told the truth or at least the parts of the truth he wanted people to hear. In one of the earlier takes he claimed he was kidnapped in 1994 and held in a dungeon for 12 years, whilst his evil brother Armald cheated his way to glory. He also claimed the world was guilty of double-standard saying, well, if it's

okay to use science to stop children dying of cholera, why is it not okay to use science to get around France on a bike as fast as possible? You can't have one rule for one thing and another rule for another. Can you? Well, maybe you can, but I'm not going to stop juicing until you let children die of cholera as the almighty Lord clearly intended. He also asked Widthry out on a date, tearfully confessed to playing a significant role in plotting the JFK hit in 1963, and concluded the interview by inviting Britney Spears on stage to sing a special duet, Oops, I did it again, and again, and again, and again, and again.

He then accused Winfrey of masterminding the whole Shabang and of running international cycling like a f***ing vampire, suggesting she quotes might have well have strapped herself to Marco Pantani's foot and put herself in a tumble-dry. There was a lot of anticipation going into the interview as to what level of emotion was going to be on display. It was Armstrong going to cry. And if he did, would they be real tears? Or were those tears gonna be chemically assisted? Little onion capsules in his tear ducts. Were they gonna be tear testers on hand

to check samples from his face? Like just the whole thing around him comes into question now. What a gigantic liar. He was slightly expecting him to finish the interview by standing up and buttoning his flight and saying, I've got one more surprise for everyone whilst I hope he's desperately said. That's all we've got time for. Next week Barry Bond tells us how he used a bat fitted with a Trabucia catapult. So where next for a Lancelot? I think the only way he can possibly come back as he seems to want to in some form Andy

If he can win seven more tortu Franses openly under the influence of performance debilitating drugs The only way to answer the question of people's mind I'm talking about him doing a drunk tortu Frans Andy weaving his way dangerously up and down a mountain, screaming of senities at trees as he flies past, trishing into people's front gardens and throwing up in front of the Alton Trial. We've all been there. If we can win under those conditions, Andy, truly he is the greatest cyclist in history. For Oprah Winfrey, next set to be in a Watson all interview with the Al Qaeda, form a

number three ranks by the Caled shake Muhammad Winfrey apparently said that Caled knows he's done some wrong things and he's now ready to talk So that that is the next big thing for own TV on the internet John Or she's gonna admit doping on it last week I couldn't believe she didn't admit it at the end of it You can't get as powerful as Oprah Winfrey has. It's not humanly possible without juicing at some point in your life. And the I.C. Youth International Cycling Union has challenged Armstrong to resolve all their differences in a special episode of Judge Judy to be aired in March.

So also there's suggestions that he's gonna reach a plea bargaining deal with the world anti-doping organisation and the UCI in which in return for a full chapter in verse confession of all his naughty needlings and all the people involved, instead of his seven-tour-a-france title, he will instead be awarded a semi-final spot at the 1997 US Open tennis replacing Sweden's Jonas Bjorkmann. Here in the news, Sweden was disappointed but philosophical. Well, I'll do anything to help world sport heal itself from the scourge of doping, he said.

But it is pretty annoying. The 1997 US Open was about the highlight of my single's career. It was one of only two grand slam semis I ever reached, and the other one I was absolutely haulsed by Federer. And I was too up on Rzecki in the 97 one before things went more belly up than prices at a Japanese fish market during a tuna shortage. So anyway, I guess I'm not the first sports due to be cheated out of his rightful finishing position by Lance Armstrong, but still, does this mean Lance is now partially

Swedish? It does, I'll fair enough, as long as the fatherland doesn't miss out. At the start of this week, the Armstrong story was all that America was looking forward to. It was the key story in sports. But on Wednesday here, an even more bizarre story emerged when it turned out that Mante Téau, a starline backer for Notre Dame, who will be going to the NFL next year, it turned out that a girlfriend he claimed he'd had who had died of cancer was fake and had never existed. And the whole story is truly bizarre. It turns out that he was duped online. How much he knew about it.

He's still slightly unclear. But it was broken by a website called Dead Spin, a fantastic sports site in America. And this website has received great applaudings for doing the investigative journalism that no one involved in reporting the story at the time of his girlfriend seeing two bobbets to do. And in the midst of all the credit coming their way on Thursday, there was an absolutely

magnificent moment when Donald Trump tweeted his congratulations to Deadspin saying, congratulations to Tom Soaker and Timothy Burke of At Deadspin for exposing the manatee Tayaofiasco. And Deadspin tweeted Trump back and be immediately with a simple, elegant and well-crafted message that simply read, go f**k yourself. I don't think that ended up being one of my favourite parts of the story, Andy. He was deadspin both reclaimed in their ground and also telling Trump to go f**k himself, which if anyone ever has a chance to do they really should The man who tied our story for a while completely swamped the Armstrong coverage and knowing how inhumanly competitive

Lance Armstrong is I was hoping to expect him to suddenly announce his old scandal and claim that Shell Crowe wasn't real. I've never met her. She doesn't exist and I've never had cancer and I've never seen a bicycle. I'm the victim of a huge online scam. Cheryl Crowe and bicycles don't exist. I do have sympathy, an attention and all my tour the front titles back, please. I think in all this John, you do have to what the fuck were the cycling authorities doing during this sort of 20 year period or more in which cycling was completely scourged by doping. really think they should have noticed it. Amongst further admissions, Armstrong did admit riding the 2001 tour, using transfused artificial blood made up of 75% rocket fuel from the old Soviet space program, 20% bloody

Mary mixed by Oliver Reed, and 5% communion wine supplies by some cycling fans in the Vatican, who calculated that Jesus would have won eight torde of Francis riding his donkey, and would never have felt a blood test because of he could turn water into wine, he could sure as f***** turn an EP-O and testosterone into completely legal blood, or if he was feeling in the mood for a party

like he was at that dry wedding, he was so pissed off by a gainer, he could turn it into a possible mint julep. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha in July. GUN NEWS NOW, AND HE THIS WEEK, THE PROSUDENT ATTEMPTED TO FLEX HIS POLITICAL MOUTHLESS, AND GIVE AMERICA TICKETS TO HIS GUN SHOW, WHERE HE WOULD BE FIRIING OFF PLANTS TO INTREDUE GUN REGULATION. AN INTRODUCING GUN REGULATION TO AMERICA IS NOT AN EASY THING TO DO. AND IT'S JUST NOT AN INTRODUCTION THAT HAS GONE WELL IN THE PAST. to America is not an easy thing to do and it's just not an introduction that has gone well in the past America are lucky to meet gun control, gun control meet America

Oh hey, gun control, don't f**k yourself What? Myself, you're out of your mind, you need me, buddy I need you to get the f**k out of my face gun control, you're not welcome here No, people absolutely want me here, I've got two friends of one you believe right now missus myth and mister weston yet the for okay you to let slow this thing down it was a bold bold move from the president after attempting to deal with health care and now

attempted to tackle gun control he tried to catch two of the most elusive chickens in america's political coup so much so that when he announced his intention to deliver a speech outlining his gun control plans you could feel part of the country reacting by saying hold on only a week ago it was too early to even talk about gun control and now suddenly you're actually going to try and do something about it are you out of your mind this is America so we have the right to never do anything about anything i think i think i think that the moment

uh... i may be wrong about that but it doesn't matter because the point is that i'm still free to say that it is the night the moment i think that's the fourth amendment or that you're right to free bagels i can't remember but ok mister president if that is your real name you want to control shoot i'm sorry you're probably going to ban that word too, now aren't you? Let me put it a more appropriate way. You want gun control, get it in the most effective way, line it up in your sights, scream, look at me and then

shoot the problem in the face. He's called for a ban on assault weapons and high capacity magazines and wide of background checks on people buying guns. Now, I mean, it's one of these quintessentially American issues, John. It's very hard for outsiders to comprehend. And I mean, is it the case that in that controversial second amendment, the founding fathers wanted ordinary citizens in the 21st century to be able to carry assault weapons with high-capacity magazines and not have their backgrounds checked before they bought them.

I mean, they didn't seem to say so explicitly, but they didn't not say so explicitly either. So you can see the confusion. Yeah. Well, the ironic thing about gun control and the basic impossibility of passing it is that the vast majority of Americans are in favor of some form of gun control, but somehow that isn't enough. In other words, some form of gun control is something that around 80% of Americans want, but that 20% of Americans say that you can price from their cold dead balls. Obama announced his intention that issue 23 executive orders to the consternation

of the conservative press here, although the truth is that it's very little he can do with executive orders alone anything significant is gonna have to go through congress and everyone knows this in fact at the announcement the president even read out a letter from a little girl called julia uh... who would return to him after the uh... can advocate masquer saying you know

in the letter that julia wrote to me she, I know that laws have to be passed by Congress, but I beg you to try very hard. You then went on to say, so I wrote back to her and said, dear Julia, you have no f***ing idea what I'm dealing with here. Sure, I'll try very hard, but please try to get your tiny head to understand that these people are f***ing crazy. The logic of the gun lobby seems to be that if Hitler hadn't had a handgun, he wouldn't have been able to shoot himself, so he'd probably still be at large today. That is true, that is basically the logical extension to all these Hitler analogies at the moment. But the figures, I was reading some figures that suggested that there are more firearms than people in the USA now, which...

Yeah, that's entirely plausible. I might explain more. There are 40 times more intentional homicides pro-Rata in America than in the UK. I guess we're slightly more buttoned up as a nation, we don't let it all spill out. But I think it's clearly that guns are dangerous, John, and I think any bugle is that fought at the Battle of the Sun would acknowledge that. So what were the tyrannical 23 executive orders there? I'm sure they were pretty extreme rounding up gun owners, modifying guns, so they can only fire marshmallows, legally mandating

that all guns be shaped like penises. There must be pretty good, so let's take a look, executive order 6, Andy was publishing letter from ATF to Federal licensed gun dealers providing guidance on how to run background checks for private sellers. Publish a letter, that is one of his key solutions, the eighty-f and gondie with the basically become pen pal what about the place you have to deal with a military grade weapons on the street what do they get let's see uh... executive order number thirteen maximized enforcement

efforts to prevent gun violence and prosecute gun trying so that seems to basically be an executive order saying, try harder. Come on, Obama is supposed to be a tyrant, not a little neat coach. He's asking Congress for much bigger laws, such as the curving sales of semi-automatic weapons, as you mentioned, the large magazines, both of which

are ideas exactly as good as they are also certain not to happen. Another suggestion is for Congress to require, again, if you say a universal background check for anyone choice that might have gone, to which, in first response, especially as a non-American, is hold on, you don't already do that. Holy shit, that seems dangerous. That thing's like it should have happened with the very first rifle sale back in front of your times. At sure I'll sell you this rifle, very exciting to be the first rifle seller. Enjoy her, she's a beauty, but just before I do, I hope you don't mind. I'm just going to ask

around with a few people just to make sure that you're not a complete maniac. I mean, I'm not going to sell this weapon of death to a stranger without any kind of background check, because that will be f***ing insane. Well, it's clear, I mean, it's a tough issue for a bomber. He's really had to bite the bullet on this one, and it's not easy biting a bullet when it's being fired into your mouth at point blank range from Charlton Heston's handgun. But let's talk about the timing then. You've got to bite the bullet and chew the bullet, and then spit the bullet out, reformed into a commemorative lead figurine shaped like a dove. It's a very high tariff maneuver

for an American president. The president signed the executive order in front of a group of children in a far from original form of slightly manipulative political stagecraft and even this became controversial with Rush Limbaugh the fully qualified shithead. I mean fully qualified Andy. Post i mean fully qualified and the post-credit post-credit he's he tried to present with you the children as human shields here's a thing

in that technically exactly the opposite of what he was doing if we try to literally shield them from gunfire i think those kids would probably take that trade-off being physically protected if they have to briefly metaphorically protect someone else. I still think they come out of that deal pretty well. Given that the second amendment and the right to bear on was ratified in 1791 perhaps there's a loophole here John that will enable you know nothing to be done but just a slight tweak of this amendment that will allow people only to fire a weapon

that is an exact replica of a 1791 firearm whilst wearing a wig and silly clothes and address any resulting wounds with historically authentic medical treatments, for example, getting a doctor bark at it or bleeding to death. The US Constitution was adopted in September 1787, it was ratified in May the following year and went into effect in March 1789. Now just 6 months later, they tagged on 12 amendments. So I think they really said made a few bloopers in their experiment.

They were probably drunk. John understandable, they were exciting times, they just won a key civil war. They rushed these 12 amendments out on the same date. They were probably hurried a bit. They probably didn't sit down and discuss now how might these words be interpreted in 220 years' time. In what all our predictions suggest will be a time when civilisation will have advanced so much that all forms of media will be balanced, factually accurate and geared towards improving the sum of human knowledge and happiness, apart from the odd podcast. Do you think the wording as it is of this amendment, people might view it as carte blanche for everyone to wonder around with the tools of mechanised slaughter in their pockets? No, Georgie, I'm sure they won't take any notice of this in 220 years time. I'll sure they'll be smart enough to see

this as a document of its time that will need occasional tweaking and twerking, as the world changes and develops. Yeah, point Jeff. Oh let's just chuck this out to get things going and assume people will be grown off enough not to let this become a divisive issue of personal and national identity. Right a member in three since we're all eternally wise and fair. Should we do something about not allowing people to enslave other people or should we hang far enough for 75 years? Yeah good shout. Okay who likes women? Yeah who wants to establish their equality as a species and or gender in this little constitution of ours? Just kidding, let's whack

that and the back burner for another cheeky hundred. Okay, 120, 130 done. Now, right, compulsory for all men to wear powdered wigs, that will never change. Let's write that one in, write it in. In what was generally a pretty excellent speech. President Obama even played the Reagan card saying, weapons designed for the theatre of war have no place in the movie theatre. A majority of Americans agree with us on this. And by the way, so did Ronald Reagan, one of the staunchest defenders of the Second Amendment, who wrote to Congress in 1994, urging them, this is Ronald Reagan speaking, urging them to listen to the

American public and to the law enforcement community and to support a ban on the further manufacturer of military style assault weapons. In case you're wondering why on earth Reagan would be for gun control, such as background checks and an increased mental health resources, it's probably something to do with the fact that, oh yeah, he was shot by a mentally ill man who illegally purchased a firearm. you know an increase in mental health resources it probably something to do with the fact that oh yeah he was shot by mentally ill man who are legally purchased a firearm i'm guessing that sometime around the point that he was cambren of the pavement and into the back of the presidential motorcade before

bleeding his way back to the hospital he thought yet something should probably be done about that yeah that's just a knee jerk reaction john is it let his own personal experience cloud his objective judgment? Bad bug in use now and horse DNA has been found in some beef burgers being sold in the UK and Ireland in supermarkets and we look there are two potential explanations for this Andy one is disgusting and one is even worse. First it's possible that somehow horse meters made is way to beef burgers and second it's possible that horses have somehow been having sex with people's hamburgers neither of those eventualities are good, Ambi. The two aren't mutually exclusive either.

Britain was absolutely appalled by this, John, and rightly so. We as consumers, as British consumers, have a God-given right not to think about what is actually in our cheap shit food. We fought world wars to keep the ingredients of things like the Great British sausage and the Great British burger, a secret. We might suspect that our 15-pinch burger contains a bit of bull's nuts sack or scrapings of pig gut or essence of chicken butt or the chick-quivering remnants of what was once the proud penis of a mighty hedgehog.

But we don't want to actually know it's in there. We want to think it's made of the voluntarily sluffed muscle of prime, royally bred cow, directly descended from Quedalus with the first hand minced by the Archbishop of Canterbury. And also horse, John. I mean, who an earth would eat horse? But a lovely little horsey, who in their right mind would chow down on that succulent, tasty, healthy meat with so much nutritional value? That is not a British thing to do. That is French John. Horse meat apparently accounted for around 29% of the meat content in one sample from Tesco. And I suppose from Tesco said the safety and quality of our food is of the highest importance to Tesco.

We will not tolerate any compromise in the quality of our food is of the highest importance to Tesco, we will not tolerate any compromise in the quality of the food we sell. The presence of illegal meat in our products is extremely serious. Well, illegal meat, Andy. Here in America, crime procedural dramas are incredibly popular here on TV, and I think we've just found the next hit. CBS is a hit news show, CSI meat defective. But totally the strength tracking down that illegal meat and imprisoning it. It did show a lot about Britain's attitude towards food that people were disgusted by the fact that it was from a horse, but seemed completely unconcerned about which bit of a horse it was, surely the more relevant issue. It's amazing amount of human ingenuity.

We've seen in these last two stories, this week's Bugle, the amount of human ingenuity and effort that has gone into a developing ways of shooting people and be working out what bits of what animals you can eat and more importantly how far you have to go to camouflage it before people will actually eat it. We are in an infinitely resourceful species, John. Well, it's slightly curtailed bugle because of John's hectic alphabetical tour of America. What's after Seattle then? Probably Syracuse. Syracuse right at the end of the F. Yeah. And what, and it's the inauguration on, on Monday, you're going to be there. Yeah.

But, uh, I will be there. Yes. So we're doing a pay down there. Any, any hope of sneaking in on the bill to get an inaugurated for something? Well, you know, if I get anywhere close, then I'll probably just quickly answer the oath of office before he does. Boom, I think that puts me in, basically. Then I'm present for the next more years. And what was your forecast for the toner voice as a bomber inaugurates himself? Is there going to be a sigh of resignation? Yeah, kind of shit, I've got four more years of this bollocks to go. So he's gonna be an audible fly through his microphone that echoes across the country. Ah, shit. One more.

At least this is the last time I have to do this bullshit. So that's almost all the time we had for anything this week. John has left to go to the airport. I've still got time for a quick email, I'll have more next week to keep him coming into info at thebugelpodcast.com. This comes from Richard on the subject, Stefan Fek, winning the public's hearts. Dear John Chris and Andy, in the order of physical similarity to the man who reinvented the sport of diving. I thought you'd be interested to know that all three of the BBC sport websites most watch videos of the Olympics currently feature John's diving doppelganger who we reported on tournial Olympics. Be hit the water hard with his back.

They are in reverse order, three, the painful side of the Olympics, two, the funny side of London 2012 and one, Stefan Fex dive itself. There could be no doubt says Richard that this dive has changed the way we look at this pointless sport forever. Keep up the bullshit from Richard. That's great to see. Great to see people really embracing dangerous incompetence. More emails next week and will play you out this week, appropriately enough, with some excerpts from Lance Armstrong's famous book It's Not About The Bike, which proved to be an extremely opposite title. And some of his writings now have to be read with hindsight with a considerable degree

of skepticism. And here are some excerpts that you might like to reassess in the light of his recent confession. I was fortunate enough, in addition to the six decades of ruthlessly hard training that I put myself through, to have an advantage due to my bicycle, a magic bicycle that I bought from a passing wizard in exchange for my mother's cow. When cycling in the mountains remember, gravity is 99% psychological. I could see the other riders struggling because

they believed all the hype that gravity has put out about itself in the press over the years. But I knew that it only slows you down if you let it. A valuable lesson that I learnt from my uncle Neil, who famously flew to the moon single-handed in a rocket he built himself out of old supertins, and the engine from a tractor he found abandoned in a farmer's field, with only a farmer in it. And finally, success in the Tour de France is all about the accumulation of small advantages. I had a significant advantage over my competitors due to my choice of music that I listened to while cycling, whilst they mostly listen to the kind of anthemic rock anthems and strutting

hip-hop that is supposed to inspire sportsmen. I simply had the Benny Hill theme tune playing on a loop for three solid weeks. Scientists have shown that it is impossible not to run or cycle at least 60% faster when listening to the Benny Hill music. Others could have done it, I did do it. And it also helped that I had on the inside of my trademark sunglasses a little projector screen showing footage of scantily glad women running away from me in decreasing amounts of underwear. And don't forget to check out the Bugle's page.

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