The Bugle - Bugle 221 – Do EU really love Us?

Episode Date: January 25, 2013

Britain throws another strop with on/off life partner, the EU. Plus – A new/old president, news about lies and a Superbowl preview. Sort of. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello, Bugleers, and welcome to issue 221 of the Bugle, the Thinking Person's Guide to 20th Century Life, Broadcasting Live from the renowned planet Earth. I'm Andy Zoltzman, and I'm live in London, and joining me from across the Atlantic Ocean in New York City, it's John Oliver. Yes, yes it is me Andy, and it is cold as balls here Andy. And not even as human balls, it's cold as snow balls. Snowballs attached to a human being

where their balls used to be before they froze off. And these snowballs are not melting Andy, due to the fact that the humans they're attached to are so f**king cold. It's so cold, Andy. That I was walking to work yesterday, and I heard someone set foot outside of their apartment, feel the cold, hit their face for the first time, and instinctively shout out,

Oh f**k you! That is a tremendous piece of New York style defiant, Andy, basically telling the weather to, f**k you. That is a tremendous piece of New York style defiant, Andy, basically telling the weather to go f**k itself. Hey, you temperature, get warm, are you, I see f**king. Well, I've spent a bit chilly here as well, John. Oh, okay. Yeah, I've spent, it's been so cold here that I've been wearing a hat all week and it doesn't get any cold

of them that. This is Bugle 221, a special commemorative issue to mark the results of the 1988 South Africa Archbishop's Best of Three Snooker Tournament, 221, 221. And we're recording on the 25th of January, meaning tomorrow be exactly 150 years since football manager Jose Moreno was first born. Took one look at the planet and thought, this plate ain't ready for me yet, and pop back into his cocoon for another hundred years. And as always, a section of the bugle is going straight in a bit, this week, a science section, and yet another week in which science has impacted on our lives on an almost daily basis without

even asking permission. We answer your science queries, including, is it possible for a horse to be male? Do we need the equator, gravity, factor, fiction? Has a human ever urinated on the moon? Can you truly love a volcano? How come if electricity always flows from left to right? Is the on-off switch on my telly always on the right-hand side? Doesn't that waste my time?

If as physics claims, opposites attract, why can't I marry my lawnmower? If the sun is going to run out of fire at some stage in the future, what's the fucking point of doing anything now? And also, do molecules f*** all those questions answered in our special science section in the bin this week. Top Story this week, friends, Romans, Americans, British people, General Countrymen, let me your ears, it's the bugle speech round up! Who doesn't love a speech? Andy from Lincoln's Gettysburg Addresster, Al Pacino's locker room halftone speech in any given Sunday. Speeches have the ability to lift our hearts, to inspire us, and also to be overly long

and incredibly boring. But forget about those. There have been some major speeches delivered over the last week. First, on Monday, America was celebrating a truly historic day. The inauguration of the 44th consecutive White Vice President. That's right, Andy. 44 in a row. The string continues. We did it. Woo!

Of course, that wasn't the only historic moment. America also sworn its new president. Although, to be honest, he looks quite a lot like their old presidents. It's sure his hair's a bit grier, looks pretty exhausted. Frankly, I think we might have broken him. The point is, it was a huge moment in history, historically swearing in. The first African-American president for the first time twice, or to put it another way, swearing it mean for the second time once.

Whichever way you like to look at it, the point is, I was there, Andy. And when future generations say, where were you? Where were you, Grandad? When President Obama was sworn into office for the second time, I'll be able to say, I was there. I was right there. And I was making fun of it. And future generations will say, hold up, why, Grandad, why would you make fun of such a solemn occasion? And I'll say, I mean, just because it was funny. I mean, I guess that's what I've spent my whole life doing. And they'll say, but why, Granddad,

that moment must have meant so much to people. And I'll say, yeah, I suppose that was one of the things I was making fun of. And they'll say, so let me just get this clear, Granddad. You travel down to a moment of history to mock it. And I'll say, yeah, yeah, pretty much. And they'll look down and say, I don't understand, Granddad.

I don't understand how you could just waste a lifetime making fun of things. And then we'll sit in awkward silence for a while. And then another grandchild on the other side of the room who is busy shaving a penis into the fur on the side of the cat will look up and say, hey granddad, just for the record, I totally get it. In a dancer's oldest time at some. So I mean how was the atmosphere different to the wild excitement of four years ago, because we were there four years ago as well

Well, yeah, I mean it was historic but slightly less historic It was excited but slightly less excited hopeful but slightly less hopeful. You know, it was still good, but not great That was basically it sequels are so tough, aren't they it's tough. It's tough when you come in so strong It's tough as I'm sure Smurfs too will prove, let's hope this second term is not his Smurfs too well. Let's hope that it is. Let's hope that it is because Smurfs too is looking good and I was quite impressed that Obama resisted the temptation to just say, ah, let's just keep

chugging on for the next four years and see where we get to. I think I'm a real, I mean, he said a lot of big things to me. He loves to speak, as we know, and he quoted from the constitution. Sorry, I'm not very good at impressions, but he said, we hold these rights to be self-evident. The hard man a created equal And they are in doubt by their creator with certain alien number roots and amongst these Reloved liberty and the pursuit of happiness Tell the Andy moving

All men created equal women took them a while together But they caught up to be fair. They've caught up and by all many men some men they meant some men at the time and took a while Took a while took a while to get there, but John America has got there Got there now that's all men being created equal stick took a while to filter through the intras we discussed Last week and there are a number of things that you know, I'm sort of tried to suggest that America From these principles of its foundation, have learned by a painful process of trial and error to modernize and adapt.

He said, together, we discovered that a free market, sorry, he said, together, we discovered that a free market only throws when there are rules to ensure competition and fair play. Just go very much in the same way that Icarus is like being back there again on Monday, aren't they? Do you know that is the voice that his internal monologue works. I believe that we need health care.

We do. He I think American discovered that the free market only thrives on their rules to ensure competition affair play very much in the same way that Icarus discovered at wax plus heat times gravity equals splosh, or the same way that chew-faced peat lines do not necessarily differentiate between zebras and people in zebra costumes. President Obama's second inaugural speech turned out to be, as you say, a soaring inspirational call for unity and hope. And as such, it was treated as a divisive, aggressive call to one.

For start, like you always incredibly impressed that he didn't start the speech with an enormous, audible sigh before launching into the opening line. Okay, here we go again. I don't think they actually could have blamed him for doing that. Right, everyone. Take two. Yeah could have blamed him for doing that. Right, right everyone. Take two. Yeah. Instead, it's okay.

Scratch that. Start again. I'm taking a Mulligan. Instead, he made an argument for the importance of unity, saying, my fellow Americans, we are made for this moment and we will seize it so long as we seize it together. And that sentence was immediately followed by the noise of America as one squabbling, saying, I'm seizing it. No, no, I'm seizing it.

Let go. I seized it first. Bullshit. He told me to seize it. No, he didn't. He told me to find something else to seize. I seized this moment first. He...

He landed on this point. Criticized the current state of politics saying, we cannot mistake absolutism for principle or substitute spectacle for politics or treat name calling as reasoned debate. And that's clearly a laudable sentiment, Andy. But it did make you want someone to ask him, hold on, Mr. President, did you see the last election you just won? Because that was about the most vapid, spectacular 18 months of nothing that there has ever been.

And I'm not saying he was the most guilty of it and he far from it. But he did run big bird commercials, used upon Ronesia multiple times and spent millions upon millions of dollars on a tack ad. So that's not pretend that he didn't contribute to the fact that spectacle is and shall remain politics now. Well, we all learned from our mistakes, John. I mean, he said some, he's always been a fine orator, a farmer, and some really inspirational things said in this speech. And the words that really struck me most, that I think stand up there with some of the greatest things said by some of the greatest horators of all time. With these words, we must revamp our tax code.

I could feel America swelling with pride and thinking, yes, we must revamp our tax code. It won't truly phenomenal moment, though. He explicitly called for gay rights, saying, our journey is not complete until our gay brothers and sisters are treated like anyone else under the law. For if we are truly created equal, then surely the love we commit to one another must be equal as well. And it's not like that is a particularly radical statement.

Nowadays Andy, but it is fucking radical when it's coming from the mouth of a fucking president during his inaugural address. And the truth is, everyone has a checklist of things that they want in a presidential speech like an ideological bingo card. And one of the many baseless criticisms of this particular president is that he's running a secular administration due to the fact

that he doesn't answer every question with a Bible verse and doesn't have a cross tattooed on his forehead. But I have to say, for a godless president, he sure as shit seems to mention God a lot in his speeches, Andy. He said the word God five times during the inaugural address. And you know, he's not alone in that, of course. The word God has become like religious Tourette's for American presidents. They just can't help

blurting it out in the middle of any sentence. In fact, every US president in modern times has mentioned God in their inaugural addresses, apart from two. Teddy Roosevelt and Rutherford B Hayes. And that's probably because Teddy Roosevelt worshiped the God of shooting things with big guns. And Rutherford B Hayes, I believe, was a witch. So that explains those two. You also said this John, no single person can train all the math and science teachers will need to equip our children for the future or build the roads and networks and research labs that will bring new jobs and businesses to our shores. And that is only true John because America did not take the chance to vote Donald Trump in.

America did not take the chance to vote Donald Trump in. They've done that, they have had that single person, John. And he also said, now more than ever, we must do these things together as one nation and one people. Or as the Republicans heard him say it. No more than ever, we must do these things together as one nation and one people. It's Mosey Mabalchoy. things together as one nation and one people smudzing my mouth joy ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha EU speech now and another major speech took place in Britain with the long promise to dress on the EU from Prime Minister David Cameron in which he was planning to announce a potential referendum on Britain's relationship with the EU. Where Britain was basically going to have the choice to go to relationship counselling to work through the problems or just to just

to cut loose so that both sides could be free to bang other economic unions. But it's worth pointing out that for a bowl speech it was pretty f***ing vague Andy. He announced that if reelected there would be a referendum on a hypothetical new agreement that he would have a hypothetically successfully negotiated, but he didn't identify what powers he would have hyperthetically successfully negotiated. But he didn't identify what powers he would have hyperthetically negotiated the UK taking back in the new settlement, or what would happen if the negotiations did not go his way, which are two relatively key details it seems to me, Andy.

I know I'm outside the process now, but that seems like a major emission or two. Yeah, there was other interesting press and political reaction to the speech. And if I can try and summarize it for a bugle as we've not been following it here in Britain. Basically, the summary of the reaction is that David Cameron nakedly put party interests first, selflessly striving for a deal that was in Britain's national interest, revealing himself to be staunchly anti-Europe, and confirming his a moveable commitment to his

all-time favourite continent Europe, inciting the moment he has delayed any real decisions and inevitablyised five years of political, commercial and diplomatic uncertainty that will further destabilise already fragile economy that looks certain to be boosted and stabilised by this brave, patriotic act of cowardly political partisan ship. He was naively idealistic and soundly pragmatic whilst his recklessness, caution, cleverness and outright stupidity showed a man who has ceased his chance to be both the national hero and the penis he has always seemed destined to be. He was talking with characteristic said-fastness and political principle from a platform of patent political opportunism, in what will come to be seen as a career-defining decisive gamble and the kind of typical half-ast fudge that has defined his career. He's preserved

centuries of British history and tradition, and son the death warrant for the great British sausage, ensuring that in future we'll be able to eat nothing but paella's and pasta. In short, he has seen us eternally smoldering political hot potato, he's picked it up, he's looked at full of mjacquit, he's buttered it, and he's thrown it over the nearest fence and hoped that it doesn't set far to anything, or take seed and grow into a giant burning potato. So all in all, bonjour, f*** you. Well, it's good that the press have got an objective grasp on what's going on, Andy.

At least they've got a handle on it. Cameron said that the referendum would be a decision on the UK's destiny. And if he secured a new relationship, he was happy with he would campaign heart and soul to stay within the EU. So that's good to know. Andy is getting clear now. He'll maybe campaign heart and soul over this possible agreement that he'll probably get sometime in the future. At least we all know where he stands going into this

process. Also, it's destiny not something that's already been decided. You can't decide on what your destiny is. That's a fair point. Yeah. That's a fair point, Andy. There was, there was someone with a slightly surprising self-awareness though. At one point he said, I know that the United Kingdom is sometimes seen as an argumentative and rather strong-minded member of the family of the European nations. We have the character of an island nation, independent, forthright, passionate, in defense of our sovereignty.

Basically, say, look, we're our souls. We know that. We've always been our souls, but it is the thing. We're not changing. We're going to stay our souls. We like it this way. So you better find a f***ing way of dealing with us. Also, this point about us having the character of an island nation,

independent, forthright, passionate, and defensive our sovereignty. No other nation has those qualities, John, none, none at all. Apart from maybe America, according to a barmer's inauguration speech, the famous island of the USA. And Vanna's way to probably like to think of themselves as independent, forthright and passionate and defensive, they're softened to as well. At least one Hugo, Hugo, Shavers was telling them they were. When they're knocked technically in Ireland yet, but give it time, they clearly have the character of an island nation. Afghanistan, some of them seem a bit too independent, um, forethright and passionate

in defense of their sovereignty. Sure, they are landlocked, but one man's land is another man's sea as the old thing goes and the Vatican city, but definitely too forethright in some island nation. Yeah. Legally an island nation, Andy. So I guess what all that proves is that the entire world is basically British. The response to the speech has not been entirely positive, especially anywhere other than selected parts of Britain. The UK Independence Party, the inexplicably and depressingly influential political parties, stocked with Cantankara's dusty old white men,

were generally pleased with the announcement, but only wished that the referendum could have come sooner, and could also come with a side order of a massive war with the French saying, it's been too long, it's just been far too long. What is the point in having this longbow, unless I'm going to fire it at some baguette chomping French in some point, what do I?

What do I? You keep also release the statement saying that the genie was out of the bottle about a possible exit from the EU. That might be true, Andy. But if it is true, it's gonna be a pretty fucking annoyed genie. I'll give you three wishes, anything that you want. Okay, I'd like Britain to leave the EU,

but retain access to the European Cycle market. Okay, I don't think you can the EU, but retain access to the European single market. Okay, I don't think you could have heard what I was just told you. I can grant you anything that you want. Well, that's all we do want. We're tired of getting pushed around by Brussels. Okay, I'm getting back in the fucking bottle. And I'm not coming out until someone rubs me who is not a complete idiot. So we've had a sunny up and down relationship with Europe.

But, you know, it's just basically a marriage between us and Europe. And we have a chance of geography as thrown us together. And David Cameron, you said these words. For us, the European Union is a means to an end. Not an end in itself. And I guess it's not a sign of a particularly healthy relationship when you describe your wife as a means to an end. So you might not always take it as a compliment.

Now the European Union is of course one of the most ambitious social and political projects ever undertaken. In some ways the first voluntary collaborative empire and it's proved that you can build a giant political entity without turning all the people animals and the things in your way into museum exhibits. But Europe as a, has been an fairly continual state of stroke with itself. For most of the last roughly 200 million years since the people of the single global mega continent, Pangaea, voted to split into seven different continents to try to make qualification for World Cups more exciting. So it reminds a very emotive issue. And it's been to

mentioning a reaction. The French foreign minister, Laurel Fabius said, you can't do Europe, I can't. I'll take an example, which our British friends will understand. Let's imagine Europe is a football club and you join, but once you're in it,

you can't say, let's play rugby. Now, I know politicians have paid to say, f***ing idiotic things, but this guy's really picked up that ball and hammered it into touch. You can't say, I mean, he's right to a point. You can't join a football club, join, and then once you're in it say, let's play rugby, but you can

say, let's stop playing football so shittly. Let's try to kick the ball to each other and then towards the goal. And while eight of our players referees, that is too much bureaucracy. Or you could also say, if you joined this football club, say hang on, when we joined, you told us it was a rugby club. You definitely said it was a rugby club. You've still got tape around your head and your fingers in my eye and your hands squeezing my scrotum. I don't mind that it was part of rugby, but you definitely said it was a rugby club. Please stop fighting me. As you say, France, France argued that ala carte membership of the EU was not on the table. To which more response, Andy's, okay,

we get it, France, you're good at cooking. But every single metaphor does not have to be gastronomy based. Ah, the crisis in Syria is like a poorly made soufflé. We need to give it constant attention or the whole thing is going to collapse. It also does appear that the EU isn't exactly breaking down in tears begging us not to leave. An online poll in La Figuera, in France,

suggested that many French people would be happy to see Britain the fuck off. With more than 15,500 votes cast, 70% favored the UK leaving over 30% who disagreed. Come on France. Don't give up on us like that. We just want to be seduced once in a while. You're supposed to be the great romances. Make us go weak at the knees and we'll come running back to Europe.

The German Foreign Minister Gido Vest, said, Germany have once united Kingdom to remain an active and constructive part of the European Union, but cherry picking is not an option. Well, cherry picking is not an option, John. That's a common agricultural policy for you. Boom! He then went on to say, cherry picking is not an option, or at least it isn't in Eastern Europe, because all their manual workforces

f**ked off to Western Europe to pick the cherries there. And he concluded by saying, cherry picking is not an option. That's because the former leads in England fall back Trevor Cherry, retired from professional football in 1985. Ha ha ha. Oh my God.

I'm done here. Cameron says that he's pro EU, and also claims that he's already preparing the ground for the potential upcoming debate saying, I understand the appeal of going into loan of charting our own course, but this is a decision we will have to take with cool heads. Proponents of both sides of the argument will need to avoid exaggerating their claims. Oh really? Good luck with that, Cameron. Good luck. Just get ready to hear the phrase re-chomping brioche heads by the anti-EU side

for the next five years. Because by suggesting a referendum, David Cameron is essentially trusting the British people to make the right informed choice. And that is demonstrably a misplaced trust, Andy. If the British people were capable of making that choice, for a start, David Cameron probably wouldn't be Prime Minister right now. Besides, the key European

story in Britain at the moment concerns an odorous gas, which is drifted across the English Channel for France. Apparently, the smells of cabbage, rotten eggs and diesel, and is a harmless gas leak from the chemical works in the northern French city of Ruen. Now, the smelly cloud has blown across the channel into Kent and Sussex and their south-east of London. And newspapers amidst a shower of flatulence jokes have labeled it Le Pong. So, that is the level of the current debate, Andy. Good luck, Cameron.

Good luck. Things have really moved on since 1066. UGLE feature section now and lying. And obviously this is a subject extremely close to the heart of this truth obsessed podcast. We will not allow any lies. No. Too sunny. The 112% fact, quote, that we aim for every week. We sleep with the sort of truth very much under our pillows and in our hands and pointed at our own throats. But with the revolver bullshit, certainly within reach as well. Just in case there's a breaking. And of the story here that's, no, I was absolutely pulled by as a bugler and as a parent,

a story that scientific research has shown that most parents tell lies to their children as a tactic to change their behaviour. Now, admittedly, this is only a study of families in the United States and China, not in the notoriously truthful country of Britain. So, you know, it doesn't really apply to me as a parent. The most frequent example of parents lying was threatening to leave their children alone in public unless they behaved or the Chinese parents threatening them to enroll them in an art class unless they behave. This new study was published in the International Journal of Psychology which I know you read

every night before you go to sleep Andy. Usually about 14 seconds before you fall asleep. Anyway this new study is found that as you say both the United States and Chinese families lie to their children persuasion ranges from invoking the support of the tooth fairy to telling children they will go blind unless they eat particular vegetables. I'm not sure how the Europe debate has been conducted. That's the last 30 years, in Britain. With that last one, it's a slightly more aggressive twist on an old classic than I've heard, Andy.

I've heard, if you eat carrots, you can see in the dark, I've not heard if you don't eat your past nips, you'll go f**king blind. They're both good, I guess. They're both good. Yeah, I know. Well, I'm gonna let it's true if those carrots or those past nips are dangling above your children's eyeballs

on a time device to five them at high velocity straight down and if they're not eaten within five minutes. Yeah. I guess that's the difference between, you're saying, you'll go blind if you don't eat those vegetables. And I will blind you if you don't eat those vegetables. There's different parenting manuals. I feel like that's in the Gina Ford book somewhere

if I'm really pairing out. The most, like you say, the most frequent example was leaving children alone in public, unless they behaved. Another strategic example was apparently that was beautiful piano playing. Now, with respect, I'm guessing that one came more from China than America, Andy. I don't know how many Americans are lying about the beauty of their children's piano playing.

I could be wrong. The study examined the use of instrumental lying and found that, you know, tactically deployed falsehoods were used overwhelmingly in a majority of parents. And you see Andy, it's the one thing that binds the whole world together. No matter nationality, religion, race, we all lie to our children. Another lie that was common in both countries was apparently the false promise to buyer-acqu requested toy at some indefinite time in the future. And that's not just good, child-waring Andy, that is the cornerstone of modern politics. That's how you get elected to office now,

promising something that fails to materialise, and then pacifying the disappointed by repromising it for some indefinite time in the future. That's political strategizing, one-on-one. But every single part of the report is basically some kind of political strategy, you know, threatening to alienate people, leave them alone and exposed. The tooth fairy, some kind of fictitious benevolent force, threatening medical ill health,

telling them how great they are, beautiful piano playing, you're the greatest nation in the world. It's all their John. It's all their. And this beautiful piano playing the problem with that is as apparent. That is always vulnerable to the retort. Well, it's not supposed to be beautiful, dead. It's supposed to sound jagged, broken and harsh in response to the fractured and angry planet you brought me into. And if it has any beauty in it, it comes in spite of its own sound, from the revelation of the truth about the ceaseless strivation of humankind towards the fulfilment of an unreachable and often inexpressible dream to which the sound parents reply is, who wants to watch Toy Story? Hahaha!

And this is another one, I've never heard a parent say this. If you don't behave, I will call the police. I mean, I think that must be... Well, that goes. Yep, that's... I mean, that must have come more from the child side. And if you don't quieten down and start behaving, the lady over there will be angry with you.

Now, that's just an old Catholic one, isn't it? As pointing to the picture, the lady over there, holding the oddly old-looking newborn baby. Was it any other on the Chinese side? If you don't behave, I'm going to pretend that you're a girl, and we all know what happens to those here. I had a quality parenting moment this week. My kids were having supper,

and I did something up periodically when I jumped out from behind the door, pretending to be a monster. And my daughter, who's now six, just sighed, turned back to her food and said, just so annoying. No. I think I'm going to need to read a new chapter in the parenting manual. That should have thread on with the police. You want to come up with some heckle put down for those raps.

So again, the tooth rabbi will not come. In other line news, outsourcing as a concept is nothing new. And the concept of companies laying stuff off and moving those jobs overseas, where labour's much cheaper. But there is a new twist in that concept as of a couple of weeks ago, because a security check at a US company apparently revealed that one of its staff was outsourcing his own work to China. The software developer, apparently in his 40s,

is thought to have spent his work days surfing the web, watching cat videos on YouTube and browsing Reddit and eBay. Wow, he did it, Andy. This man somehow managed to make capitalism climb up its own ass while sitting back and celebrating in the traditional way by watching cat videos. I wonder if it was around the time of his 16th straight cat video without being caught that he thought, holy shit, I think this is going to work. I think I might have just completed the final level of capitalism. Well, clearly, sat down and he thought, I'm in my 40s, I'm okay at what I do. But there are people in this world who will give much more of a shit, will probably do it more quickly,

cheaply and enthusiastically. I've got it. I'm a one man metaphor for the post Cold War Western world. Let's roll with it. Sadly, the tragic thing is, he's been fired. Despite the fact that this seems to have been a mutually beneficial situation, according to his performance reviews, he consistently received excellent marks. In fact, quarter on quarter, he was the best developer in the building.

He reportedly paid just a fifth of his six-figure salary to a company based in Shenyang China to do his job for him. And it was all discovered when the company discovered the existence of an open and active connection from Shenyang to the employee's computer that went back months. Apparently it showed that the computer was being worked on as they were looking at it, from Shen Yang to the employees' computer that went back months. Apparently it showed that the computer was being worked on as they were looking at it, despite the fact that they could see the man sitting at his desk and not in China. And it didn't even stop there. The report said,

Evidence Eam suggested he had the same scam going on across multiple companies in the area. All told, it looked like he earned several hundred thousand dollars a year and only had to pay the Chinese consulting firm about fifty thousand dollars. It's incredible, Andy. He's successfully both fired and franchiseed himself. The guy is amazing. Basically, how the British Empire works, I think. Yeah, well, I'd still do if we get out of Europe.

Apparently, for the computer logs. His typical workday looked like this. 9 a.m. arrive and surf reddit for a couple of hours. Watch cavernos. 11 30 take lunch. 1 o'clock, e-bay time. 2 o'clock, Facebook updates linked in. 4 30, end of day update, email to management.

5 o'clock, go home. So let's be clear Andy, let's be fair. He wrote that email update himself. That is a solid, that's a solid five to eight minutes of work he was doing himself right there. Now I guess he quite and quite perfected outsourcing that element of his job as well before he was found out. And obviously Andy, this took balls, this balls so powerful they developed sentient thought themselves, but I'm not sure how I feel about him being fired for this, it doesn't seem a hundred percent fair because the rule in modern capitalism now seems to be exposed as your job can be

outsourced by the company, but you cannot outsource it yourself. If we had the brains of that guy, Andy, we'd have outsourced the bugle years ago. A couple of guys in Shenyang talk shit to each other for an hour, or we just sat in these studios watching cap videos. And have you been doing that? Have you been doing that, Andy? What? Why don't think there would be a discernible drop in quality? Well, that sort of happened.

Your emails now, and this one comes from Jason who writes concerning the assertion in podcast 220 that the US Constitution was written whilst drunk. Well, there is a drinks bill from the Continental Congress preserved as a prized relic of a mericanian dipsamanical history, which reads in part as follows. 54 bottles of Madera, 60 bottles of Claret, 8 of Whiskey, 22 of Porter, 8 of Hard Sider, 12 beer and 7 bowls of alcoholic punch. Holy shit! That being among 55 delegates to the Congress and only for one night. Wow! So there we go.

So whilst I think you were making a cardic card, the laughter was made all the more sweet by the knowledge that the point was also true. The founding fathers were smashed. Oh my God. That is a phenomenal window into history. Yeah. I do hope that's true. Just write it, write it down.

It's good for the, it's huge of happiness. That was my, put my bit in about the so excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited.

I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited.

I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm currently traveling in South America last week flew into the remote town of

Rurunbaka in the Bolivian jungle. You have to fly here at this time of year as the usual 18 hour bus journey to Lepas can take anything between three days and a week during rainy season as the road frequently gets washed away or blocked by landslides. The flight here was slightly nerve-wracking as the 20 seat plane we were on had no door on the cockpit so you could see oh my god. So you could see the pilot plunging the plane towards thick jungle before a small landing strip appeared at the last minute the airport itself consisted of a strip of tarmac next to a dirt track surrounded by thick green vegetation. In fact the only way you knew was an airport was that there was a plane on the tarmac

and a sorry looking winsock nearby. As we still on the time at waiting for our bags to be put on the roof of a bus to take us to town. We are admired to the relative peace and simplicity of the situation. We then climbed into the bus and the driver fired up the engine, kicking the stereo into life, bringing the almost likeable tones of LMFAos on sex in I know it. Blasting from the speakers. Surely this was a one-off. some kind of co-incident. No, the next song was, Champagne Showers by LMFAO.

That's right, the crazy bus driver was playing the whole album. By this time the bus was moving and it was too late to get off, I had to trust this guy with the same musical taste as Bashar Alassad to get me into town safely. Given that he did this without doing anything else crazy, or starting a bloody civil war, this has led me to challenge everything I thought

I knew about LMFIO. Has a band that ever had such broad appeal as Bashar Alassad and a bus driver in the Bolivian jungle? These are actually the greatest band ever. That's a fair point. Yeah. Fair point. Yeah. Broad appeal, Andy. Broad base of fans. It's not all about killing. It's also about getting people from A to B through a jungle. Do you keep your emails coming in to info at thebugelpodcast.com.

Check out our SoundCloud page. SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen bugle. And don't forget, if you've got pangs of guilt that you haven't yet taken out your voluntary subscription to the bugle you can do so at the buglepodcast.com and if you do not do it we will hunt you down and kill you. It's bought now and next weekend it's the Super Bowl and so I imagined America is very excited but are you doing the half-time show this year, John? Well, I don't think it's my onsite, but I don't know if this mining thing is a problem. So what I might do is just the five minutes before it, just to kind of warn the crowd up.

Is she not doing it with a backing of Smurfs? Well, she doesn't know that she's doing it with a bag of slobs. Now, we have exclusive broadcast rights to the Super Bowl this year at the Bugle. Wow, that must have crossed the loss. You know, and as such, we can bring you the breaking minor injuries news ahead of next weekend's big showdown for the Baltimore Ravens. Quarterback Joe Flacco is ruptured an earlobe when a pair of homemade sonar capable headphones exploded whilst he was trying to eavesdrop on his goldfish to see if they were talking about him behind his back.

Should be fits. For next Sunday's game, whilst the wide receiver, Anquan Boldin, is recovering from a grade 0.2 psychological trauma after 25 minutes stuck in a hotel elevator that broke whilst he was dicking around in it, pretending to be Neil Armstrong blasting off in a space rocket. Grope tackle the bigal punch is definitely ruled out for the Ravens after suffering 99% skin-rinkled, following spending 72 hours in a bath, waiting for his lucky tell to come through the wash. And sweet-end Dremelli Scutteridge cannot play as he has a piano lesson.

Meanwhile for the 49ers, Lyne back on Nav Navoro Bohman could be out of contention after getting stuck trying to solve a misprinted Sudoku that has no actual solution. He considers it bad luck to take to the field with an unfinished puzzle on his mind. While safety, Darcell McBath should be available, that is a real name, Douglas. Should be available after showing some signs of recovery from a mild glute bump after falling off a chair, trying to explain the evolution of manned flights to Ty-10 Demarkas dobs.

Punch returner, sluck, punch returner, sluck man done our tour. He's touched and go off the chaining himself to an oil rigging protest against the socially corrosive impact of the industrial revolution. Well, Snap-Growler, DeGerald Biscuit, is off the roster after checking into a rehab clinic for treatment on his addiction to 17th century Dutch painting. Coach Jim Harbour said, there's no point even trying to tell him what the next player is

going to be. He'll have that far away looking his eye and I'll just know, yep, he's thinking about a fucking Rembrandt again. And so, head referee, Jerome Boge, is understood to be reconsidering his position in the game after accidentally swatting a flight to death whilst playing ping pong. He said, I don't want my own personal crisis to overshadow Super Bowl 47. It's best for everyone if I step aside and concentrate on helping the insect community recover and heal the wounds between them and the human race. So it's all set for a tight-tank showdown next weekend, John. Thanks for bringing this up to speed, Anne.

Anytime. So that's it for this week's Beagle. We'll be back next week with any more inauguration speeches that President Obama has or hasn't given. Until then, Beagleus, goodbye. Bye! Bye!