The Bugle - Bugle 222 – Halfrica

Episode Date: February 3, 2013

Andy and John provide a special update on Africa. A Mali section is not included for technical reasons, but we assure you it was above average in quality. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. This is a podcast from TheBuglePodcast.com. Hello, buglers and welcome to a very special bugle indeed, because for the first time ever,

in bugle history, we lost the first 20 minutes that we recorded for this week's show due to technology being a feisty little bastard and wiping it off the computer or something Chris said. Something about Fars being corrupted and that's, to be honest, the way beyond my sphere of technological comprehension. But the good news is, we still have the rest of the show for you, the bad news is, the first 20 minutes was probably the best bit to be honest, but the good news is, that doesn't mean the rest of it, wasn't the usual solid 2.5-carat bugle-gold. The bad news is, you will not be hearing some lovely stuff about the Marley Crisis, but the good news is, it's probably been reported on by other news outlets.

The bad news is, our coverage was bangin' on for a Pulitzer Prize for Investigative Journalism, and the good news is, Marley will still probably be in the news next week, so we'll just do it all again. The bad news though, Marley will probably still be in the news next week, so we'll just do it all again. The bad news though, Molly will probably still be in the news next week. So in the meantime, here is what is left of issue 2222, that's the sound check done, here is what is left of issue 2222, all aboard the bugle train, this is the 222 service, calling it all stations to satire central via bullshit temple means. I'm Andy Zoltzman, as you may have guessed, I'm in London, England's appropriately enough for this 222 issue, the what's left of it, the city voted 222nd in the city that most looked like a banana in aerial photographs competition this year.

I was joined for this bugle when we initially recorded it on Saturday by phone from a Denver hotel room by none other than John Oliver. Now as you can well imagine he kicked things off as he often does and the big with some showbiz chitchat about how he'd been playing cribbage with Greta Garbo's ghost or something and then had a wrestle with Hulk Hogan dressed in a monkey outfit on top of the Empire State Building and got a piggyback to work from Madeline Orbride. That the usual kind of stuff.

I then informed you that as this is the bugle for the week beginning Monday, the 4th of February 2013. It is exactly 224 years to the day since Little Georgie Washington was elected the first president of the USA and that means that tomorrow is exactly 224 years to the day since George Washington had a tattoo on his left butter

greeting POTUS HATCH TAG-1 in ancient Roman style lettering, inside a picture of a serpent strangling a mermaid. Other income, G-Washington included a tattoo of his wife Martha and a bikini, something in Chinese about how it is good to be nice to people, and a picture of Benjamin Franklin. Well, a bet's a bet, sure. They were both a bit drunk off the celebrating sign in the Constitution. But to be honest, Washington was naive to think he could eat 51 eggs in a single sitting. In the end, he only managed four before clacking luck at chicken, shouting, call me Captain Rooster and collapsing in a cold scuttle. I would also have told you that Monday was also exactly 101 years since the death of Franz

Reichelt, who won the 4th of February 1912, discovered with the aid of one Eiffel Tower and one homemade parachute suit that his homemade parachute suit had a slight technical glitch. It didn't work, or at least it didn't work nearly as well as gravity works. He realized this in the time that it takes a man not wearing a parachute to fall 57 meters from the Eiffel Tower's first deck to the ground. Not much time then for him to come up with a plan B, perhaps just enough for him to think I've already seen the post-match press conference on the positive so he could take from going fatally 1-0 down in his battle with science.

But fair play to the laddy had experimented before his jump by throwing dummies out of high windows. The parachute didn't work with them either, so he concluded that it replaced those two key things, the windows, and the dummies with improved alternatives, the Eiffel Tower, and himself, then logically it had to work. Logic schmlogic, he must have thought as he splattered himself to a heroic, but nonetheless permanent end on the icy Parisian ground. But on the plus side by popping his own clogs in such an idiotic way on the ultra of experimentation in 1912 he happily missed out on World War I, the global

info-enter epidemic, the rise of Hitler, World War II, Germany beating Hungary in the 1954 World Cup Final and keeping up with a card action. So all in all, not nearly as bad a career move as it must have seemed to him at the time. Then after that bit there was the section in the bin. This week it was a book review section focusing on the latest works by the literary pawnsmith, EL James. 2012 was of course a great year for EL

with 50 shades of grey, the low-grade growth fiction, becoming the fastest selling paperback of all time. Of course, 50 shades of grey was a book which seriously disappointed prison refurbishment consultants, the world over as they excitedly dived into what they thought was going to be the paint catalog to end all paint catalogs. It was also a grievous letdown to those who thought they were buying an academic treatise,

analysing the home lighting designs of the former 1980s New Zealand cricketer, Evan Gray. But in our section of the bin, we looked at the latest sequels that E.L. James has chundered out, including 50 shades of puce, 50 big penises, outstack was my art you just smacked with a vase, a guide to corporate taxation 2013, unexpected change of direction for EL that could test her core fans, at war and peace, at controversial rewrite of Little Leo Tolstoy smash it classic, rewritten by EL as a short story about a man putting up a shelf whilst his girlfriend makes a cup of tea whilst both of them think about genitals, and of course the long-awaited finale in the 50-shade series, F*** you Mrs. Pancused. And then after that we crack straight into our special Africa section, some of which you're about

to hear, some of which you'll have to wait until next week's show for an updated and even better version of it. But do enjoy what's left of the show we recorded on Saturday and apologies that the prize for the Super Bowl competition is now no longer valid unless you have a time machine. In Bargway Update now, and in Bargway, and the as we have commented on in the Bueville over the last few years, has had one of the world's funniest currency, leading to some of the world's least funny consequences from that currency. Things have seemed to settle down a little recently. The power sharing government set up in 2009 finally ended years of spectacular hyperinflation by using the US dollar but their economy is still fragile and I'm talking Ming Vars in an earthquake in fragile and except not a real Ming Vars because that will be worked too much. I'm talking an imitation borderline worthless Ming Vars during an earthquake fragile. And this was proven when to involve with finance minister

Tend IBT revealed that at one point earlier this week the involved way only has $217 less in its public accounts after paying civil servants. He quickly counted that saying that the following day, $30 million of revenue had been paid in, and an accused journalist was stirring up trouble saying, you journalists are mischievous and delicious. The point I was making was that this involvement government doesn't have the funds to finance the election, the finance the referendum. So he's saying don't panic

Andy but I'm afraid that chicken has long since that shade out of a cube. It's mostly having followed up that revelation or really that they now essentially can't afford elections anymore. Oh that just federal people's out. No worry about only having $217. I was trying to make the much larger point that there's no way we have enough money for democracy anymore. Okay? Everyone calm now. Good. Yeah, $217. That's about £138 in real money. That's not a lot for a country like Zimbabwe. That is barely enough to buy 20 decent quality cudgles for Robert McGarby's goons. A democracy is, I mean, it's annoyingly expensive, John. I mean, I reckon a clearly an election does cost more than $217. We get the same thing here in this country, the government bangs on them out wanting to

save money by streamlining politics, saving just minuscule fractions of the national budget whilst allowing tax to be basically voluntary if you're a big enough company So this is not just a Zimbabwean Problem and we can laugh at this John Zimbabwe only having two hundred and seventeen dollars left in its account because we in the West have absolutely clothes of money in our accounts Admitting that all of it is pretend and most of it is negative money, but is still loads of money John, loads of money. It loves, it loves, the number is big, that's the only important thing. Apparently the pub we need nearly $200 million to pay for their election as well as a referendum

on a new constitution which they are now going to attempt to source from donors and what could possibly go wrong there Andy. It's not like rich people donating mine for a constitutional referendum. Would expect something in return for that, say I don't know, something in the constitution about how they're allowed to hunt people from helicopters every five years. I'm sure they wouldn't be interested in something like that.

Actually, I wonder how much you would cost as a Vowation Andy to have the bugle constitutionally recognized as the official podcast as a barbeque, because that would be tempting. Well, bugleous. I mean, we're going to have to offer a pretty decent sum. So get your voluntary subscriptions flat again. And we will attempt to take over Zimbabwean politics. The British side of us, which cannot help, but even though doing it half of a joke, there's still an imperialist intent behind that situation. The Finance Minister, Mr. Binky, attempted to control this panic by putting things in perspective saying

we are in a challenging position, we are a small economy and we have got huge things to be done. But the Minister of Finance of Greece hasn't even worked, Dory. Wow, that is a classless move from that good broadwin. Here's what you've been below, but I've got to say, when struggling African governments are making fun of you, Greece, your economy is... F***! F***! F***!

F***! Gambia News now, and, well, we talk about all these problems in the global economy and around Africa. Gambia has the perfect solution. The president, Yaya Jameh, has suggested a four day week for public sector workers with Fridays as an extra day off. Now he's claiming this is to give Gambia's mainly Muslim population more time to pray, as well as socialize, and tend to fields, whereas his critics have said it's going to promote

laziness and disrupt the economy. Well, I mean, John, this is one of the greatest economic moves in the history of humanity. It sounds, laziness makes economic sense, as I'm all, I'm sure, all economists from Adon Smith via JK Galbraith to John Maynard Keynes would test if I they were being honest. Are there any economists apart from them? I think those are the only three so far. But let me explain this, John. Why is there unemployment in the world? Well, of course, experts will tell you it's because of stuff like people not having jobs, in other words being unemployed. experts will tell you it's because of stuff like people not having jobs, in other words, being unemployed.

Others will add that it's because of the jobs market inevitably struggling to keep up with the technology world, so that, say, in publishing a single computer with a printer, can now do in 10 minutes what it used to take a squad of 500 months about a year and a half to do without be slightly overflashy layout as well. Others will say that globalisation has exacerbated the issue of unemployment in the West as simple human nature proves that whilst the boss might enjoy blowing cigar smoked directly into the eyes of staff in his own country, he gets even more turned on by the thought that for half the price, he can indirectly blow smoke into the eyes of six times as many workers.

The point is that a four-day week would kill unemployment stoned-ed. If you have an unemployment rate of 20%, if you forcibly give people 20% more time off, they will get 20% less work done. So employers will then have to employ 20% more people. Bond your must-yourful employment, mercy, prefect of mathematics. You cannot argue with facts, John. You can try it when it won't work. It seems harder to argue with some argument, it sounds like a fact, but demonstrably, isn't there just no way into that argument?

Well, I don't know anything about Gambia, John, because they've never qualified for a major international football tournament or one of the big medals. But still, I'm prepared to accept that they're absolutely bang on the banana with this one. They are right as or not, because it was not only would it solve unemployment, it would also boost leisure spending. You know, it's an extra day dicking about. You get, it's going to make everyone happier. More time off, give people some more time to shop, cook,

and eat properly, exercise more, read, play parlor games, rights on it, and court each other romantically, all making people more relaxed and productive at work. Now, because for my one year of having a real job and by real, I don't mean real. I mean, sitting in an office thinking, oh, shit, I've got to get out of this. I can testify that no one does anything on a Monday,

apart from think, shit, it's only seven days until next weekend is over. What's the f***ing point? So a four-day week, it's gonna make us all healthier, more intelligent people with happier marriages who will therefore live longer and happier lives, which in the West is the last thing we want.

We already card of all pensions. We need people being unhealthy, miserable and trapped in loveless marriages. Economically, that is the only thing keeping us afloat. So, on reflection, this scheme has both plus sides and minus sides. now and well south afro grande your homeland of course what about yes everyone's homeland more recently your homeland it had some genuinely fantastic use this week south africa's rich is black man for trees mottsepper has announced that he is giving away half of his

wealth to improve the lives of the poor he was was born in the Salato township, which incidentally, and of course, was the site just a couple of years ago of John Oliver scoring a sensational free kick against a Salato football team. It's over the wall, and off the bottom of the crossbar completely unstoppable. Anyway, that's not the point. It's a different point. It's a good point. There's not the point we're making here. The point is, he is a lawyer by training and he's South Africa's first and only black billionaire. He founded, he's publicly traded mining conglomerates, African rainbow minerals, which has interest in platinum, gold, coal and other minerals. And that is where he has generated most of his money. He also owns a Pretoria-based football club called the Mamelody Sundance.

And you see Andy, he is proving that you can be a businessman who owns a football team and not just automatically be a qualified ****. Mr. Mochlepie said that he was inspired to do this by the spirit of Ubuntu and African belief system which translates as, I am because you are, meaning that individuals need other people to be fulfilled. He said, South Africans are caring, compassionate and loving people. It has always been part of our culture and tradition to assist and care for less fortunate and marginalized members of our communities. I mean, that's a lovely sentiment, I would have the situation. That's not so much in recent history being the culture of white South Africa.

I think you have to add an aspect there. That culture was occasionally lacking in compassion for marginalised members of society, occasionally, a bit. What all of the man be, but enough? I would get what I'm trying to say. They would just stockpiling the compassion jumps. I could splurge it all at a later date. They were compassion volcano, so we just lined dormant for decades.

Very, very dormant indeed. Well, this is Spugal Issue 2222 and to mark this very special occasion, a special exclusive reader offer for issue 222. You get 2% off your bugle voluntary subscription for you and two friends you introduce to the bugle. That's right, 2% off a figure of your choosing that you decide you'd like to pay for 52 weeks of premium grade fact per year or month or week. So say if you were thinking of donating £30 a year, this week's special 222 reduction, you'd only have to contribute £29.40.

If it was $6 a month, you were thinking of walking out. You could save yourself literally $12 cents a month. Can you afford to turn your self-proclaimed nose up at that? Yes, you can. But should you know? Thanks to all of you have already voluntarily subscribed to the world's most influential audio newscast, the audio equivalent of the financial times the Wall Street Journal, the Journal of Political Economy, the DIPRF, that's the ratio tabloid version of Pravda, Australian women's weekly, you and your brick monthly and the Teen magazine bliss, all rolled into one, easily-agnautable 40-minute Pavlover of misinformation. However, we do know that by process of simple mathematics

that's adding things up with bits of wood your dog has found on this walkies. There are still loads of you, Bugle, as out there, who've been too excited by the prospect of being able to pay for the past, current and future Bugles that you've listened to for nothing up to now, that you've just been too excited to do it, to you've been dancing around, bouncing up and down and unable to sit down at your computer, go to

www.thabugalpodcast.com, click on the voluntary subscriptions link and do your bits to help keep this podcast going. So, if you can find a couple of minutes in your day to do that, Bugleers, this is the week to do it. Two percent off for this week only. So maybe you could factor that in and give one percent more than you were planning to give in the first place and then you still get a discount. What is it a sensational offer? It's a sensational offer. I just cannot wait to hear how that dominates your every thought process Andy. Yeah, so if you want the bugle to last that long, then take advantage of the bugle 222. Your emails now and we have Animo here from Dan who had a dream he said

dear Andy Warhol, John Cena and Christmas tree shop according to the suggestive given to me by Google Auto Filming when I type your first name. Well, you've got to be pleased with that John. You've got to be pleased. Yeah, I've definitely come out of that well. In fact, you know know i think we all be the point is i had a dream last night in which john a big bit by all five of the

exotic venomous snakes in his exotic venomous snake collection i mean i brought that up myself in your dream i think you lay there crying for help and i was the only one nearby i quickly died of nine one one but was dismayed that the operator didn't seem to understand the immediacy of the situation. I was trying numerous times to go to send someone from poison control. I ultimately screwed it to the phone. Damn it, you have to help the bugle of it, then, on it.

Let this be a warning to all of it to give up your obsession with collecting exotic venomous snakes. So, in that, let this be a warning to never come to me with your exotic venomous snake by a related problem. It's best, then. That's well what it does good to know, Andy. Well, I was clearly reading the subconscious of that as there is in any dream is, you know, the venomous snakes clearly stand for your venomous satire, John. No, that's it. I thought it was big of... it's everything.

It's anything other than completely literal. That's very good, I think. This one comes in from an 11-year-old who writes, dear John Andy and Chris, in order of who I'm most likely to see as I live in the Bay area, depends which bay. I may be the... I may be the youngest bugle ever. I'm 11. Uh, I have... Is that... Yeah. I don't know if we've had... I think that is the youngest so far, the youngest that's emailed in. We've had a few potato print emailed in, so let's assume there's some young ones. I'm 11, but I've heard on the podcast that John is in the new Smurfs movie.

Now, I personally wish there would be a communist Russian Smurfs society that blitzed the Smurfs village like Russia storming Berlin. Oh my God, he's a better 11-year-old than I was, am I? However, as much as I despised the Smurfs. Come on! Smurfs! You despised the Smurfs. What? What does it mean? It's not what it means. It's not what it means. It's not what it means.

It's not what it means. It's not what it means. It's not what it means. It's not what it means. It's not what it means. It's not what it means. It's not what it means. It's not what it means.

It's not what it means. It's not what it means. a communist and or German smurf dictator and or attacking the smurf village. PS, screw you Chris. I would say that that particular herb noodles may have psychotic dictatorial tendencies and it's all funny now isn't it? Until that 11 year old becomes president and starts to try to take over the world. He also sounds like an 11 year old who's just been sat in front of the television by his parents. I'll stay still after him drinking with the history channel on. That's right, it's flicking between the history channel and the smurf, I think getting

a bit confused about where reality and fiction begins. Oh, we have another great email here from Damien who says, dear Chris John and Andy in order of financial gain in the event of the zombie attack catastrophe, time to read this week for England, invading Marley as we just mentioned. He said, wait a go. This means only 21 left for the 22 countries England have yet to invade as recording in the usual 2015.

That is phenomenal, Andy. He goes on to say, go you good things and bring us back some of those sweet Marley targets. I'll walk. You can have no targets. Well, walk the canapagot, no targets, well how about picking us up some statues then? Sokka for going, sokka for gasses, no conspere, well that, come on, let me talk to you in tip-up two worth feeling, no way, I mean liberating, not preserving, yes,

I think it's preserving. On English soil where it rightly belongs, a preserve. Oh, what's this? You have a repository of red books and menus, go through 15 bucks too. It's currently about to totally unknown. Got a good show, champ. Singing Royal Britannia. Keep the bullshit going. FUC Damien. Yeah, I mean, this is, I mean, it's quite exciting.

I mean, there's always a, every cloud has a silver lining and... That's very good, isn't it? Yeah. We're very good to not want off that list. That's a tough list, that's 22. Yeah. To put a line through it, that's very good. Thank you to the islamist extremists who made this all possible. Yeah, in fact, we can completely turn this vehicle around for where we need to start recording this again and do it that in mind. The context has completely changed it. So do keep your emails coming into info at thebugelpodcast.com and there'll be more of those next week. Sport now and well this Sunday, John, it's the biggest sporting event in the history of

the universe. Super Bowl, 47 and what a week to have it in, bugle 222. 222, of course, the record score in a college football game. When, what Andy, how some numeric discipline? It's just, it's three of the same numbers. That's all it is.

222 is the record score in a college American football game. When Georgia Tech beat Cumberland College, 222,0 in 1916. That's a... That was running up the scoreboard. You make no friends that way. Disappointing performance from Cumberland. To be fair, they had disbanded their football team the year before, but had to play or they'd incur a fine of $3,000. So they just turned

up with a load of guys and got matched. That is a proper sporting spirit, John. So Super Bowl 47 is the brother, John. The two brother head coaches, the one is going to end up Romulus and one is going to be Remus. Come Sunday evening. What's your prediction, John? Well, it's, this is a very tough one to call, and the other lead that Vegas is going with the

49ers by four point. I think it's going to be closer than that. Right. I can't call it Andy I think probably San Francisco are going to win. Right. So if I was you Andy, I would put your entire house on that Because I mean it sounds like it's going to come down to the very fine margins, like which quarterback has the less greasy lunch. That's really got to affect your grip on the ball, which team ends up spending Saturday night in the New Orleans Jazz Club until 5am. And which team scores more points? That could be absolutely crucial. And also which set of cheerleases more unequivocally expresses the wonders of gender stereotyping

in the 21st century. This will be crucial factors. And the key, can come onto a couple of key plays. You know, could the 49ers rookie quarterback, Colin Kaplanick, spring scuttleback, Arbottlescrange on a good beef jerky route through Ray Lewis and the Ravens' water melon and a bucket defense? Can Ravens play mechajoflaco find receipt-wide a gemelius regret with an underarm snuggle pass on a woodpecker plate of left field? There's so much I look forward to in this annual game of high stakes fight, Jess. That is a good way of putting it.

But the real money, Andy, the smart money goes not on the football, but on the poppy bowl, which as people in America know text plays, every year before the super bowl of the tv channel a bunch of puppies in a pit throws a football in there and basically tries to keep score on what happens largely puppies chewing on the ball and shipping i don't know

how the point of that works out but all i know and is i have a hot tip that chestnut the puppy chestnut is really gonna bring it this year put your money on whatever to the chestnut is really going to bring it this year. So put your money on whatever the chestnut is playing for. See, a half time show is always the show was highlight of the year. Controversial choice this year, the late Glen Miller, sadly cancelled. He had agreed to come out of the grave for one last torah. He hopped on a plane and he was in, just disappeared. Can't help it. Can't kick that out of it.

John, it's going to be a very awkward Christmas in the Harbour household. What do you want for Christmas, love? Oh, mum, I want a ring like he's got. Well, if you want a ring like he's got, then he's going to have to have a loser's hat like you've been wearing since February. So with this special Super Bowl bugle, we have a prize quiz in which, if you get the answer to this question right, you could play for the Baltimore Ravens in the Super Bowl. If you do get answer right,

just turn up in New Orleans wearing some Baltimore type kit with a helmet and say, I've won this competition, can I please be on the bench. The question is, why are the Ravens called the Ravens? Is it because A, when the franchise, then known as the Cleveland Browns won their first match in 1944, they're starting quarterback Frampton LaSquab was playing with two live Ravens tucked down as trousers. If one of the birds squawked, he'd call a running play, if they both squawked, he'd call a passing play. If neither squawked, he'd do a running play. If they both squawked, he'd call a passing play. If neither squawked, he'd do a quarterback sneak. And if one laid an egg, he'd go for a trick play. Lascarps Ravens went four, oh, at the start of the season, before both were injured. Albert Raven broke a wing after Lascarps was sacked by a horn dog capelhain of the

San Diego snouts. And Geraldine Raven had her beak deported when Lascarps took an overhauled snap back in the nuts from the brown centre Cornelian J. Scankhammer. Was it because B, they were named after the Edgar Allen Poe poem, The Raven. They could have been called the Baltimore Annabelle Lees, the Baltimore Conqueror Worms, or perhaps most intriguingly, the Baltimore Premature Berials,

if titles of post works were being used. Or was it because C, the franchise only employs players with jet black raven hair. It's always operated a strict hair colour code, always has throughout its franchise history, of course began as I said as the Cleveland Browns, then became the James Down Ginger's, the Santa Barbara Strawberry Blonds, and most famously of all, Miami Ball. So if you can get one of those, those right, then you will win a place on the team. And the right to take out a Bugle Follum Tree subscription at the BuglePodcast.com. I can tell you that the 49ers, call the 49ers, because 49 AD was when the Jews were kicked

out of Rome and they decided to commemorate that in the name of their franchise. Like so? Yep. So that's it for, I'm predicting a draw, John. I think it's going to be a shared super bowl this year. That's normal. That'll be nice, wouldn't it? Yeah. That'll be a lovely gesture. It's gonna turn out. They just say, well, let's, let's both share it. You have it for six months.

We'll have it for six months. And we'll let's cut in half. Let's cut it in half, Solomon style and see who, which brother should give it to the other brother then. Be a lovely gesture and a symbol of peace for a troubled world. So you have it in your hands, the Harbour Brothers, to solve all the world's war problems. Tune in next week to the Beagle to find out whether they have taken that chance. We'll be back with Beagle 2-3 with John hopefully in slightly better sonic quality than he's

been on his mobile phone from Denver. That's it, Beagle! Until next week. Goodbye. Bye. And don't forget, you can check out our SoundCloud page at soundcloud.com slash the high-fone music. you