The Bugle - Bugle 224 – Papal Proton Packs

Episode Date: February 15, 2013

Don't fire, he's not dead! Plus it's year of the snake, Iranian monkeys duped into space and the Iron Sheik cuts loose. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Stargain. This is a podcast from TheBuglePodcast.com. Hello, Bueglers and welcome to issue 224 of the world's leading and only audio newspaper for a visual world for the week beginning Monday, the 18th of February 2013, the first day of the rest of your lives as indeed is Every day I am and he's ultimately accepted all face of 21st century laps jubish 38 year old father of two south lumbin based podcasters And joining me from the biggest of all conceivable big apples into which he is steadily eaten his way over the last six and a half years That's right. It's the human fruit moth, John Oliver. Hello, handy, hello, wuglers. First things first, Andy. Happy New Year!

Yes, it's late, but not as late as you think. Because, of course, it was Chinese New Year this last week, and we are currently in the year of the snake. And that makes sense, Andy. It definitely felt an extra bit snaky over the last few days. I think everyone would agree about that. Cobras must be feeling fantastic about themselves right now. They hung in there all through the down years

and all of a sudden boom, they're relevant again in a big way. It's snaky clock, Andy. Synchronize your watches to snake. Now, you might be thinking, Budalus, come on, how is this relevant to my everyday life? And to that, I say this. Guess what? If it's relevant to 1.3 billion people, it is f**king relevant to you. If one fifth of the entire world's population say it's snakey, then you're just not your head and you say it's snakey as well. 2014 for instance the Chinese

you're the horse Andy and I'll tell you right now I'm already feeling horsey and now in anticipation. You just got to accept it that's the world we live in now. Well with more horse than they used to be. Just a prospectively horsey a place. As the European food chain can testify. Well nothing much shicks I can't have to meet this week just but most of the last couple of days desperately trying to get hit by falling asteroids but no biggie. This is

a bugle 224 as we were caught Friday the 15th of February 10 years John since the stop the war protests aimed at preventing the war in Iraq 10 years ago today it all worked out in the end took a a while to get there, but got there at the end. In 1952 on this day, King George VI was buried in the grounds of Windsor Castle, and on February 16th 1952 King George VI died. I can't believe no one ever investigated that timeline. 1493, Christopher Columbus wrote an open letter describing what he'd found on his 1492 Spring break trip He came back saying guess what losers the big CC has just been to Asia To wish the King of Spain replied what mate you sure it definitely wasn't America now mate was Asia definitely Asia

I've been to bloody Cuba have a night and that's in Asia Cuba by the way bigger than Britain his Banyola Bigger than the Iberian Peninsula That's all things except King of Spain. Are you sure about this Chris? Definitely sure, his Banyola isn't like about one-eighth as big as the Iberian Peninsula. Yup, being there, seeing it, stuck a fucking flag in it. That makes it mine, sorry King.

That makes it ours. Yep, this is big, real big. Okay, Columbus, any chance on your next voyage you might take slightly fewer barrels of cheap Portuguese vodka. Switch to a lumber supply. I need a bucket. Quick, I need a bucket. Spring break! That was 520 years ago today. As always, the section of the bugle is going straight in the bin.

This week a commemorative section to mark 42 years since the day on 15th of February 1971, the decimalisation of British currency was completed. We got the 100 Pents in a Pound system that we know and love so well today. We look back in our commemorative section and explain how the British monetary system used to work. Before then there were four farthings in a penny, 12 pennies in a shilling, which you could make with a penny atop once a throppinium six-pence.

There were two shillings in a flooring, one on the quarter flooring in a half crown, two half crowns in a crown, that one does make sense. Four crowns in a pound which was called a sovereign was the guinea was made up of 1.05 pounds or 21 shillings or a crown, two half crowns, three flooring's four shillings, five six ounces, four thruppances, three tuppances of penny and 44 far things. So if anyone got the impression that Britain used to be a bit of a stroppy nation, you can kind of understand why. And we explained how this, in turn explains why Britain stood up to the blitz so well.

So Mrs Pigshank, the stuff you just brought of me weighed in total £2,7,8,335 grains. Right, yeah, and you gave me in monetary terms £1 pound, three crowns, two florenzoons, six pounds, hopenny, and you owed me a total of a guinea, three half crowns, four shillings and eight and three quarter fardings, which means I now owe you changed the value of, let me work this out. Take that away from that, add a bit of that, carry over a bit, less that concentrated, not concentrate Nigel concentrate minus that and 912s of that and focus I'm losing my trade of thought 8 6 of 12 with a quarter lots of two and a half where we got to B.O. with you three half Florentos slowly melted chilling is this such a thing as a fifth but he bit

oh you Hitler we're gonna have to start again. Much simpler now. Now one pounder simply worth absolutely nothing. Thank you to the government and the international economic system. Is this on? And I think the problem with listening to your bullshit over the years on the Pugles. I think I might be genuinely losing my grip on parts of history. Top story this week, the audacity of Pope! And big news out of the Vatican this week, Andy, well straight away, I sent it like that, understandably, puts people on it nowadays, because in recent times no good centre has started with those words. But Pope Benedict, Johnny rats to his old friends back in Germany, and hera singer to his spokesman, beautiful language, Andy just peed all.

Pope Benedict in a shock move resigned as Pope. This was a particular surprise, because this was the first papal resignation for 600 years. The last pope to step aside was Pope Gregory XII who resigned in 1415 amid a schism within the church. So he resigned because of the western schism andi. This guy looks like he resigned because he got a bit tired. It's all a bit... Soft as a species John, we're getting stuff. And it's making everything a bit tired. It's all a bit... Soft as a species, John. We're getting stuff.

And it's making everything a little confusing. Usually, if you see an ex-pop walking around, you know that you're looking at a ghost and you need to get your proton pack quickly and suck that ghost pope into a storage container so you can take the ghost pope on tour all over the world. Now, after this resignation, you need to be a lot more careful

because it may not be a ghost Pope after all. You may instead be blasting an old man and trying to force him to get into a little box. Life has got a lot more complicated all of a sudden. That's right, John. The Pope said nope, he went, Pope had hoped he'd taken a look at the Holy See, he's seen it and he's thought,

that I cannot anymore. So he's quats, you say the first Pope to chuck in his mighter for almost 600 years since Pope Greg the 12 hung up as chargeable as you said in 1415. And he cited his increasing age and decreasing physical and mental powers as a reason for quitting the ring. Rumor suggested he want to get out before anyone could clonk him on the head with a hammer to check if he's alive or not, or more pressingly before anyone could crucify him upside down, like happen to some popes I could mention St. Peter. Now a new pope is going to be elected at a papal concave, John, before Easter you got tickets for that.

Well I love a conclave, Andy. You know, I'm certainly in there for the ballad. I was hoping I might get a vote. I might really spice that thing up a bit. I mean, who would you, who would you, I mean, if you were choosing the Pope John, who would you... At Beyoncé. Right, I'm saying, Andy, yeah, for me. I mean, I know that that's unlikely for a number of reasons.

But that doesn't mean I'm not going bayonet say with my first ballot anyway. Well I think I mean it could be time for someone from outside the Catholic church to take, oh you know we've had foreign football manager managing England football team, you know maybe it's time for a non-Catholic Pope to try to re-energise the brand. I mean, for example, I mean, the obvious candidate is the freakishly evangelistic Microsoft boss Steve Bulmer. I mean, he could give the Catholic Church the kick-up of the backside is so desperately neat. Someone to get out there and aggressively sell the brand.

Besides, Microsoft is the perfect grounding for a Pope in the beginning was the word and the word was good until they immediately pissed around with how the menus worked and then the word became incomprehensible and deeply counterintuitive. So there's some parallels with the development of religion. That would be such a bulls-y-move Andy. If they appointed someone who was not religious in any way, just an absolute CEO of a pocketer, saying, look, we are tired of pretending that this is something, and it's, we are a gigantic, immensely successful corporation. Well, that is about time we started running ourselves as such.

I mean, they have been taught that Jose Moreno, the legendary football manager, could be leaving Real Madrid this summer, and you's a he's a proven winner He's got a high profile around the world. He's tactically cautious. That's got to play well With the conclave prone to making deliberately in tendery comments I mean, it's still fitting into place John it also generally only sees his own highly subjective version of reality He is a Pope in waiting John The the news of the resignation seemed to surprise everyone from governments, the Vatican experts, to the Pope's closest aides who seemed to react with much

more authentic surprise than they did during the recent child sex abuse allegation. Pope Benny the 16th has only been Pope for eight years taking over in 2005 after John Paul II's death. He'd apparently been looking forward to a piano playing retirement before the Pope died back then and has stated that he never wanted to be Pope. And I mean, wow, you can see from that how that smooth talker aches the Pope interview and I don't want to be Pope. You can stick your papers and you'll be aroused.

Now when do I start? So he's on the first Pope to have resigned after not wanting to be Pope. Not many popes have resigned. And one of the previous ones was Celestein V. Right, in the late 13th century. Now he was a hermit who would never wanted to be Pope. He then refused to take the job and ran away when he was often, before being coaxed into accepting it

despite saying, no, I'm going to be shit at this job. Then did the job shit leave for five months and then pissed off for a long walk in the mountains. There's a bit of previous, John. What is this Pope's legacy going to be? Well, he was a strong, theological conservative before and during his time as pre-mode passenger in the Pope Mobile. And he's taken very conservative positions on issues such as homosexuality and women priest while also urging abstinence and continuing opposition to the use of contraceptives in the face of all evidence that

suggests it may fly in the face of what is traditionally considered a good idea. That's the nicest way I can possibly think of putting that and he's maintained a strong line against all his critics for these actions, essentially saying to them, don't hate the prior, hate the game. And Pope Benedict or Pope Benedict or a bee unit, as he's known to absolutely nobody, stated that he is fully aware of the gravity of his decision. And that stated that he is fully aware of the gravity of his decision and that really brings it home this news Andy because I don't think the Catholic Church fully acknowledged gravity as a concept until relatively recently. I could be wrong but even if I am I'm still less wrong than his ideal. It is in his official announcement the Pope said I'm leaving now so I can spend more time with my son. I mean, I mean the son of God, Jesus, Jesus, not my son, he's called Darren.

And he also doesn't exist. I don't mean also doesn't exist. Jesus did exist, of course, until the Jews killed him. I mean the Romans, I mean mankind, we all killed him. Oh boy, this is not going as well as I hoped it would. His reign as Pope has not been without controversies. He said some quite bizarre things when visiting Brazil in May 2007. He sparked controversy by saying that native populations have been quotes silently longing for the Christian faith that was brought to them by colonizers. Yeah, yeah, they just didn't say anything out loud about it, but they felt it.

So, I mean, that silent longing might not have extended as far as being genocidally slaughtered as well, but you know, it doesn't mean it wasn't there, it doesn't mean it wasn't there. Catholic Church has always been good at reading body language, unless that body language is trying to say no I guess one of the big questions is what does God make of this decision? Does he accept the resignation or does he basically scream at the Pope? What part of appointment for life were you fucking struggling with? Jesus Christ? What? Sorry, sir. I wasn't calling for you. I was just blowing off some steam Well, I judging by God's behaviour for most of the last 2000 years, he's probably just playing

solitaire or this computer and not really playing attention. Well, there might actually be a clueless to God's response, Andy, as video quickly hit the rounds on the internet, or just hours after the news broke of a lightning bolt hitting the dome of St. Peter's Basilica. And I mean, wow, you can, I guess you can take that either way, really, but I've never heard in classic literature of a celebratory lightning bolt. I mean, you know, much more about this than I do, Andy.

Did Zeus ever send down a complimentary lightning bolt to a Greek that he was particularly pleased with? You know, just give him a friendly jolt. Like a slap on the back, except a billion volts of electricity tearing through his body. Well, that's what I mean, that's basically what the US Justice system does to its most talented murderers, I guess. Yeah, he could look at it that way.

I don't know, I mean, as you, I mean, he had some pretty strange seduction techniques, I don't know if any of them involved throwing thunderbolts, but I mean a more pressing thing for God is you know I mean it's 600 years since he last had to get a Pope a leaving present. True. Because yes always awkward when you leave a job. Yeah. You know what to get for the person leaving. I mean what'd you give? I mean what'd you give a Pope who leaves office? I mean that's that's one of the eternal... I guess obviously you get him a flash new dressing gown because he's going to miss his old ones, set of golf clubs. Maybe think, you need some pampering, you know, weekend at a luxury spa, a bit of quality

of me time or one of these new experience days, driving a Formula One car or burning a witch, maybe a big frame photograph of him with all the cardinals or just a really, really nice bottle of vintage Jesus blood. I don't know, I don't know what you're gonna... There are of course also conspiracies to what happened because the idea of an old man being too exhausted to do an internet, internet-hastily draining and demanding job such as this was clearly not enough for the internet, which is particularly unsympathetic considering the fact that we were all forced to witness the final few years of John Paul II's popes he resembling weekend of Bernies. So what? You made Leonid Braziniov in his later years at like Usain Bolt.

in his later years at like you saying Bolt. So, that's quite the analogy actually. So, what were some of the conspiracies? Well, first early rumours were of ill health, possibly out-sumers or heart trouble, neither of which will be particularly surprising in a man who was only appointed Pope at 75 years old. And are those not qualities that the Catholic Church has traditionally looked for in his Pope? Yes, exactly.

It also turns out that the Pope has actually had a pacemaker for years, which does seem to be cheating God a bit, you know, correcting a design flaw, but I'm sure he's spoke to him about it and got the okay. Oh right, you didn't even mean a Kenyan athlete running ahead of him in just You're actually I didn't look into that that might that might be the case make sure he gets the altar of time some conspiracies and some Peters. I don't know. I'm out of the list Some conspiracies thought there may be God fired the Pope and if you think about it, that's possible God is a capitalist He may not have liked some of the figures that he was seeing across his desk as he goes out the window of his corner cloud. And if that happened, I guess all that's left is to

tidy up the Pope's severance package, which I believe he has promised an eternity in heaven, a future Saint bonus, and to keep some of his robes. Other conspiracy theories are whether this was a resignation or anything to do with a new HBO documentary, Mayor Maxima Culpa, which apparently indicts Benedict and the Vatican he presided over in institutional cover-ups over child sex abuse. Adout that would have made him resign, Andy. Is he pretty demonstrable? Didn't put that much of a level of importance on that particular issue.

Some thought the Knights Templar were involved because some people always think the Knights Templar involved involved because some people always think the Knights Templar involved in anything that happens. Amazingly, I haven't seen anything blaming the Jews for this yet. Which is incredible. I think you may have got away with this one. No, I just got to be in the pipeline, hasn't it? I think that was a Jewish meteor that landed in Russia. A Vatican spokesman stated that Pope was not stepping down because of any specific illness. And then also announcing the Pope's last public appearance will be his final mass in St Peter Square on the 27th of February.

And I mean, come on Andy, that is going to be a big concert. Good luck getting a ticket for that one. What does he go out with? Is it a favourite Bible passage, a prayer wishing the next Pope health and happiness? Or does he strap on a guitar, play stairway to heaven, and throw himself off the balcony into the brisillica and stage dive his way out of Vatican City? It's up to him, but I would go with option C. But as you say, I mean, there have been a lot of speculation of what caused a very sudden unexpected resignation, which to me, suggests that he did already have something lined up, possibly the Manchester City job, maybe in a swap deal with the Roberto

Mancini becoming the new Archbishop of Naples. And of course, the Archbishop of Canterbury only stepped down in January of this year. So inevitably there's rumours that the resigning Pope and the recently departed Rowan Williams are going to jointly head up what sources suggest is a major new Christian franchise that promises to be and I quote from the press release an exciting and glamorous new brand for Christianity's many fans to follow. The sources of a suggest that Pope Ben and Rome Williams will be the figureheads of the new JX3K franchise which is going to be bankrolled by Abu Dhabi oil money and introduce six new apostles to the Bible to appeal more to younger and female readers, including one

who has a skateboard, and three twenty-something of possal disciples who share a flat in Bethlehem. More signings for the JX3K franchise are eminents, including Denzel Washington, the Reverend Pippermiddleton, Tony Blair, always available for the right price. Billy Graham, to me that is a short-term signing for my money. Tim Teebo, he's going to be the backup quarterback for the franchises in House American Football Team. And the Olson sisterhood, who will France, a new range of hip and trendy nuns. So who is going to be next as Pope analysts, almost immediately turn to speculating about who is most likely to replace him? And casualty church are up against the clock here. They need to find a new Pope and have him

fully trained by Easter. And I do mean trained. And he sure it's a spiritual position, but you still have to have your body in shape. All Popes have to have a 12-pack one for Easter Cypal. This core strength gives them the strength to bless thousands of people a day, swinging that metal ball of smelly stuff around like a Russian hammer-thrower, and deny all the allegations of institutional abuse. That takes stamina, Andy, and it's all possible through the patented fitness system in the Vatican Pope 90X. It's an intense workout. So let's take a look at the popular names. It's a big opportunity for the church to show the Catholicism isn't just for old white

people anymore, especially when you consider the sheer numbers of Catholics in Africa and Latin America. The Vatican's been very bad at dealing with minorities in the past, especially by using the term minorities, when they're in fact numerically majority. They've left them ignored, unrepresented, and dying of age in horrific numbers. All of those things are best irritated. So let's look at some of the current top candidates. One of the big names being thrown around, Andy's cardinal, Angelo Scholar, 71, maybe

a little old, but he's still got plenty of prayers in the tank. He's the most prominent Italian candidate and has been referred to by World Catholic newspaper as the Crown Prince of Catholicism. In 2010, at the height of the abuse allegations against the church, he called the media's attacks on the Pope and iniquitous humiliation. That may hurt him in the eyes of the world and help him in the eyes of the Cardinals tasked with selection. Next up is Cardinals Shurnborn, the Austrian Archbishop with a Porsche for the pastoral.

A room that have a lovely pastoral touch, probably the strongest non-Italian candidate from inside Europe. Intellectually conservative, Andy in 2010, he caused controversy by suggesting it was time to reexamine the issue of priestly celibacy. That could be a vote winner. And any floating voters among the Cardinals may be swung over by his offer not to essentially outlaw prized boners. Then of course there is the godly Garnayan and possible favourite to take the pointy hat, Peter Turkson. He'd the head of the Vatican's Council for Justice and Peace as everyone does, and that's different.

Which relates to document in 2011 calling for radical economic reforms to deal with a global recession. The document condemned the idolatry of the market and Turks and expressed support for the Occupy Wall Street protest movement. Theologically modern Andy signalling openness to the argument that condoms may be appropriate for couples where one partner is HIV positive and the other is not, which you would hope you would think and he has a man coming from a continent

where AIDS has to put it mildly, not being on the endangered list. And then finally there's Odio Sherea from Brazil, Brazil Andy 65 years old, classic Brazilian flair with communion. Also as a young parish priest in Brazil, he was apparently caught in the crossfire of an armed robbery where bullets perforated his lungs, intestines and an eye, some bullet fragments remain lodged in his body. He's my Pope handy, that's my Pope, a bulletproof Pope, that is hard to say no to.

A little purple dino. Just news breaking now that US entrepreneur Donald Trump has reportedly claimed he's not interested in running the Catholic church, he said it's not the directs and I want to go in at the stage of my career. What's the Vatican has ruled out Silvio Berlusconi as a candidate, a cardinal has told the bugle Berlusconi is about 500 years too late. Otherwise, he would have fitted seamlessly in him and his uncontrollable drongle rod. Oh, how am I used to Andy that Donald Trump does not want to be poked? Because that's the only organisation that likes gold more than he does I'm gonna have been some interesting reading about other popes

Two of resigned as I mentioned Celeste in the fifth earlier on also three-time Pope Benedict the ninth now He was a real record breaker was Benny the ninth 11th century pontiff and pin up the youngest Pope ever Probably 18 to 20 but some sources suggest he was as young as 11 when he came out. I don't think he'd be great at the Catholic church tried to pick up on my example. I reckon one of David Beckham's kids could probably do a job for them. High profile wealthy family, no real qualifications for the job. Let's get the papers back to its roots. Benning the 9th also, the only man ever to reach number one in the Catholic rankings on more than one occasion.

The only man to sell the paper see. Sounds like George Osborne's kind of Pope. Personally, I think it's free market economy's gone mad. Yeah, he sold paper see, apparently. How much? I'm not sure, actually. Well, I don't give the exact sum on the font of all knowledge that is Wikipedia, but basically sold the Pope the papacy to his godfather who became Pope Gregory the sixth. So, I mean, you know, that's right, you've got to, I guess you've got to make a living, you've got to make a living. And also, reputably, the Pope who held the most orgies and the first homosexual Pope. So he really crammed a lot in, so to speak.

But he got some very bad reviews. The Catholic encyclopedia, a disgrace to the chair of St Peter, feasting on immorality, St Peter Damien, a demon from hell in the disguise of a priest, says Ferdinand Gregorovius. His life as a pope was so vile, so foul, so executable that I shudder to think of it, Pope Victor III. Those are one-star reviews if you're a pope, and another pope's who resigned was Pope

Rabbi Yitzhak Le bits of it, who was appointed in 1979 due to a clerical error, and stepped down immediately after walking into the Vatican on his first day in the job saying, so you losers have come to your senses after almost 2,000 years. And to mark this historic occasion for the first time in almost 600 years, a resignation of a Pope means that the Pope is having a leaving party, and we can offer you an exclusive plus one ticket to the Pope's leaving due at the Prancing Season Nightclub in Rome's Glamrs Trust Everett District. If you complete these challenges, firstly, finish this sentence. If I was Pope, I would explain the institutionalized cover-up and

effective condominant of decades of widespread child abuse by dot dot dot and also provide a punchline for this joke. How many popes does it take to change and anachronistic teaching on birth control? So do send your entries in to infoatobugelpodcast.com and the winner will be on the first plane to Vatican City Airport. And a coincidental story emerging just this morning, John, the latest in the European food chain scandal after it's emerged that contamination of beef products with horses

spread across the entire continent. It has now been revealed that communion wafers used in many leading Catholic cathedrals have been found to contain not only the body of Christ, but also the bodies of some of his apostles. A waffer from Milan Cathedral as tested positive for containing the leg of Saint Bartholomew, whilst others have been found to contain traces of Simon New Zealot, Phil, Tommy and Andy. Well, that's probably all the fault of a Romanian disciple meat plant, Andy. Studus. So, I think John, after that section, I think we've probably added another three or four percent to our eternity in hell that we've been over the years.

Why don't you get past 100 percent Andy? The numbers are just me. Oh, that's just no deterrent anymore. Iran's space monkey news now. And look, a couple of weeks ago, Andy, Iran sent a monkey into space. Let's all just take a moment now to enjoy that sentence. It's worth taking extra time to allow you to spit out whatever you were eating in hilarity

or dive away from the heavy machinery or operating out of fear for laughing yourself into it or just simply to drive a truck over a cliff in hysterics. Iran Center Monkey Interspace. The monkey traveled in a Pishgam rocket, simply to drive a truck over a cliff in hysterics Iran sent a monkey into space. The monkey travelled in a Pishgam rocket, which reached an altitude of around 120 kilometres, 75 miles for a suburb which will fly to before returning its shipment intact. The Iranian Defence Ministry said. Iranian State TV showed images of the monkey which was strapped into a harness being taken to the rocket with a look in his monkey eyes

that said what the fuck is happening to me? I swear I was thinking just yesterday life as an Iranian monkey could not get much worse than this and then these guys turned up and put this stupid helmet on my head and said something like do you want to go to space? And I thought they'd said, do you want some nuts? So of course I said, which obviously is monkey for yes, I'd love some nuts and they said great and they put me in a f**king rocket which begs the question, where am I f***ing nuts? So I think the monkey's vengeful mother might have turned up on that asteroid that crashed in Russia

But there were some claims that this was a fake Right John photos published by the official state media before the monkey launch showed Monkey with a distinctive mole above its right eye and yet when they showed footage of the creature after it returned from space seemed to be a different monkey altogether one without a mole and with dark of her and a different face and well to me John that's just showed that this is true because that's what happens in space why do you think Neil Armstrong wore that helmet do you think he wanted to wear that helmet? Would you, you're in show, John, would you not want to play to the camera on an occasion like that? Because, of course, CV audience in world history. Of course you would. And again, and you're right to be fair. You know, if you were shitting

yourself in fear as you hurtle through the air, that might change the colour and complexion of your fur too. Space flight can really change a monkey and either that monkey is landing back on earth. So I've seen things, I've changed. I'm not the monkey that I used to be. It's not just the mole of my eye that's different. I'm different. I've got a whole new perspective on the world and not a labourer point but where am I f***ing nuts? That's apparently say that the effect of space on a person's face is a similar effect to missing a penalty on an Italian footballer's face. And that's basically why Armstrong, Aldrin and Collins came down to earth and that capsule

John, given time to knock each other's faces back into shape with a large wooden NASA spatula. If you turn up the volume on the news footage of the moments just before they were picked up you can hear a little bit of hammering, a little bit of drilling, some loud slapping noises and three men saying out. This is far from Iran's first space adventure. In 2010 Iran successfully sent a rat, turtle and worms into space. And that's not a astronaut program, that's a spell. Of course, or a sitcom. Yes, the US State Department also would not confirm any aspect of the allegation of this space that would launch.

Victoria Newland said, neither Monkey nor Launch is confirmed nor launched Monkey. That is a beautifully constructed centre. It's just like having Dr. Su, Mrs. Spokesman. I would not trust Space Monkeys, sir. Space Monkeys are not what I prefer. LAUGHTER The Iranian officials in the system, the Monkey Launch, was genuine.

And so they just simply chosen a different monkey for the actual flight. The monkey in the pre-launch footage was switched because... How much sense? Yeah, basically it just cracked up under pressure. You know, it could have been a problem at the end of the countdown instead of flicking

the ignition switch. He just started jumping around the cabin and eating his own feces. I mean, these things happened when you send monkeys into space. Maybe you couldn't learn the lines for when it was supposed to land on the moon or wherever it was going.

One small step for monkey, one giant leaf. Oh! Ah! Ah! One giant leaf for firing monkeys into space. Or maybe simply John, they found out when they were strapping this monkey into his monkey space diaper,

that the monkey was in fact Jewish. So, ah, I don't know if So that's that's the possibility. The animal rights lobby have complained that it was cruel and to that I would reply well to an extent but at the same time that fucking monkey went to fucking space. Yeah I mean it might have cut into its daily masturbating in a tree schedule but it went to f***ing space, John. Food news now, and there's been another opening in the world of fine dining by the New York-based celebrity hyper-gastronomist,

gluten malvane. We reported in Google 170 on the culinary genius behind such world-round restaurants as Chicago's Testiculates and of course the Screaming Shithead in Buenos Aires. And now he's open another high-profile scoffery. Hot on the heels of last year successful launches of Los Angeles, knife-fought gobb and parraces and tactical French fusion cancantine, the barking penis, comes Malvaine's latest in Manhattan called murder plate. A claimant used only animals that he has himself personally murdered on site.

Malvaine admits that most of the vegetables used will be slain offsite by his crack squad of crop hitmen. He also says that as much hyped new restaurant will use only molecule-based foodstuffs. All the dishes will contain nothing but molecules he boasted and f***ing loads of them. The signature dishes that murder play include starters, steroid infused bicep of peer pressurized racing pigeon, and a farewell tartar of goat child with an emotionally raw car patch of much love veg-tapettes smooched in a source romantic of deservedly stabbed lamb guts. And main courses include tennis-tweet hamstring of straight-set-safety pork-carf, served in

its own re-gravy of sweated headband, sheltered by a battle-hardened husk of dehumanised veal shell, and a micro-ocean of soup of grief-wept tears of fresh-berieved shrimp, drowsed onto a faux-coral seabed of crust-ified crab-semen, served on a non-flotont u-boats of German eel-ribs, immediately scuttled with a Rukola-propelled subsurface corn-peado. And of course, there's Malvaine's signature dish that he serves at all of his restaurants, the sausage Jesus fresh nail to a crucifix of chips, bringing around desserts, wine by order of the management, no talking between courses, built-in, paid at knife point.

Your emails now and his email from Robert, who says says as you may have heard the IOC recently dropped wrestling from its core 25 sports for the 2020 Summer Olympic Games. Well to many this is quite an unremarkable news story. It's the reaction it has gone from one particular Iranian that makes the story utterly hilarious. WWE Hall of Fame professional wrestler The Iron Iron Sheik, best known for his battles with Hunk Holk Holk and in the 80s, but also competing in the 1968 Iranian Olympic wrestling team and served as assistant coach to the USA team in 1970, he took to Twitter to voice his displeasure with the IOC. He posted the following tweets, strap in. Yeah, because tweet number one, IOC, I fuck you up, no disrespect the legend to my only

sport wrestling. They have no dick, they make new sport of go fuck yourself. Right. Strong tweet. That's right out of the gate there, aren't you? That's what the format was invented for, that kind of concise, expressing opinion. No, you would think he would then put his computer or phone down and think,

that I did that was perfect. Well, I just communicated everything I needed to say about this thing that's upset me. But you know what, then he picked it up again and he typed this, tweet two, you see the legend, you know I break the ICO back, make them humble, go f**king the badminton and the walking, they are not sports like wrestling.

The ICO, I think he clearly type these in something of a rage, John. Well, that's right, that's not a problem. 2-3, New Olympic sport is who has smaller dick than Hulk Hogan, have that same Olympic wrestling. I don't know what he's trying to say there. That would get quite big TV viewing figures. And it's also definitely something that Britain would have a live metal chance in. Other 20s said, well, good night and IOC go fuck yourself. Don't ever insult the legend I

and Sheik or I break the Olympics back and make you humble. I tell you one thing, he also hates Andy and that is punctuation. Ha ha ha ha. The Iron Sheik did not just save, this email goes on to say, the Iron Sheik did not just save his weird brand of victory off a Twitter either, offering up the following quotes in an interview with TMZ. After a thousand years, they take away the best sports in the world. This is the first time the dumb motherf***ers have no balls for they make the walking and Olympic sports.

He really hates walking. He really hates walking. He really does. If I see anybody on the street that worked from the IOC, I swear to Jesus that I suplexed them, put them in camel clutches, break their back, make them humble. And finally, is that really the reality?

Having a broken back. The hashtag team Sheiki respect the Olympics now. They could all go fuck themselves. And make the curling Olympic sport, that's the Winter Olympics, but you don't want to argue with him when he's this angry. Because they also the biggest piece of no good shit, and I never watch the Olympics again. Also, also buy my t-shirt on my website,

or go fuck yourself. BYE MY T-shirt or go fuck yourself. Nice. If you have any balls, that would be your slogan. Buy my t-shirt or go fuck yourself. That it. Let's just distilled marketing down to its elemental form. He's run that through a focus group, John.

Oh, God. That's good. This guy's not to be trusted, though, because after he was the iron shake, look, that was when America had a problem with Iran in the 80s, then when the war of Iraq happened, he renamed himself Colonel Mustafa and teamed up with Sergeant Sulta and said he was from Iraq. Yeah, really? So this guy is not to be trusted, he's a chief.

Chris, I would say everything we've learned over the last few minutes, I would be very, very careful irrespecting the odds. He, otherwise you're about to get hit. I'm going to buy one of the T-shirts just to protect us. Otherwise Chris, something you're lucky to get a direct message on Twitter saying something like, Chris, I break your back, go f**k yourself, try out a lot not sports. I see how mother f**k I see how could either be a mistyping of IOC or it could be the Illinois Chamber Orchestra. The latter. We just don't know but be, he has got a point.

You know, ditches. Wrestling out of the 11. Of course he's got a point. I mean, wrestling, it's not the most accessible spectator sport. There's just not enough chairs smashed over people's heads or contestants dying at a tragically young age due to decades of steroid abuse. But still, it's one of the few links to the ancient Olympics. You know, all the bit wrestling then, a few more plums wiggling about.

But bearing in mind that golf is becoming an Olympic sport and wrestling is being body slammed out, it is hard not to come to the conclusion that the iron shake is right, the IOC have absolutely no soul whatsoever, which is basically what he was saying, albeit in slightly more fruitful language. This email also came in on the subject of Twitter from Carlos Chiquete in Los Alamos, New Mexico. Who writes, dear Chris Andean John, a brackets in order of who is most likely to land Pippa? Well, why not? The guest depends, you know, who is most likely to be flying Pippa, at the same time.

I happen to peruse a certain John Oliver's Twitter account and was shocked to find these only tweeted 17 times 17 two packs of core has more tweets on this and he is dead I just wanted to register my disappointment and honestly some anger John has 40,000 followers Well, I've amassed immediately 22 and I'm pretty sure that my follower at cheap computers 3 is not a real person Carlos chicate it So I'll try more Carlos and more in my defense. I'm quite busy, but I'll try I'll try You quite busy and you don't give a shit

That's it. Yeah, the first one's not really important the second one is key Tied of being told to go eat a bag of dicks as well. Yes, he's there. Anyway, do keep your emails coming into info at thebugelpodcast.com and this week's email section was brought to you by Zingletoes, the foot spa with Chutzpah, the world's leading waterless Futsbar. Give your feet that freshly electrocuted feeling after a long day at work whilst also saving water for the dolphins and Africa.

And it was also brought to you by Slumber Cumbers, the Mogadon Inviews vegetable, to help you get to sleep at night and keep your diet balanced. Now bugleuses, that how you want the bugle to sound in future. No, then take out a buglefollow and you want the bugle to sound in future? No, then take out a bugle voluntary subscription at the podcast.com. Do keep your emails coming into info at thebuglepodcast.com and check out our SoundCloud page at SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen bugle. Just a quick bit of sports, latest in the horse meat scandal, sources have claimed that Jockey Tony McCoy won the 2010 Grand National Riding a Cow.

McCoy's mount don't push it, it was ostensibly a horse but tests over the past week have suggested that it was in fact a cow. Where will it end, John? Where will it fucking end? That's it for this week's bugle. I hope you're not obliterated by any more falling meteorites or asteroids or anything like that. Bugles. If you are, well, I mean, what a way to go. What a way. I mean, that footage is sensational.

It is phenomenal. It's pretty much a visual representation of what my gig in Leicester this Sunday is going to be like. 17. Link crashing down to a three. Just a ball of just inexpressible light. Blowing out windows in a five mile radius. Upsetting the Russians. So, if you want to come and see that, Bugulus, 8 p.m. in Leicester on Sunday. That's it, Bugulus. You're gonna have to leave us now.

Bye. Bye!