The Bugle - Bugle 226 – Salvo For Mali

Episode Date: March 1, 2013

The world acts late on Mali. So does The Bugle. Also, the latest Pope and Mars news. Plus, the Harlem Globetrotters put their lives in their own hands Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugleers, and welcome to issue 226 of the Bugle audio newspaper for this most unremittingly visual of worlds for the week-beening Monday, the 4th of March 2013 with me and his old man, International satirist of the year in the balding late 30s ginger-haired lapsed to magazine awards. I'm live in London, the city where angels can't be asked to tread, be there, seeing it, got to pyro-tice.

And in New York City, the self-styled Jack of No Trades, but Master of Fun, it's the personal pancake himself. John Oliver. Hello, Andy. Hello, Bugles. John Oliver. Hello Andy. Hello, Bugles. On Wednesday night, Andy. This Wednesday, I did an episode of a fantastic podcast called Star Talk with Neil deGrasse Tyson,

who's a sensational astrophysicist, Andy and the director of the Hayden Planetarium here in New York. It was great fun, made even more memorable by the fact that the surprise guest was Buzz Aldrin. That's right, the Buzz Aldrin, the first one you thought of, not the second Buzz Aldrin who definitely doesn't exist. It was a truly mind-blowing and humbling experience to spend a few hours with a man who was walked on another planet, and it was even more of an honour to be zinged by a

man. planet and it was even more of an honor to be zinged by a man because at one point I said to him joking buzz I feel like you and I have just such a lot in common that two of us and he pours for a moment to let that statement sink in and then he said yeah you're right I had jeans on this morning as well but then I put on a suit to come here. Zing Boom! Boom! Zinc's by National Andy. That's a Luna slam, who's in the Zinc has landed. What did he say about the moon? Well, he said, you know, he's pretty unimpressed with it, Andy, because he says, you know, he's been there and he's one of the few people who I guess is allowed to be that jaded

about it. He wants to go to Mars now. He's really nothing to do with the moon. He's a Mars man. Well, we'll have more on that later in the show. You've queued that up beautifully, too. So this is Bucal 226. It's the first Pockplus Bugle. Well, we're in the interim between Pock. So for the first time ever ever whilst no one's looking all of you beugglers are allowed to listen to this beagle whilst wearing as many condoms as you want uh... this is beagle two to six which means we have now done as many

butals as the number of rewrites Stephen Spielberg did on the script of shinbers list before universal would let him make it man he really wanted that dinosaur scene in there. No Stephen, we just don't think it's in keeping with the rest of the film. Oh come on! Roooo! Steven wants to eat a Nazi! Roooo! Stephen, let's just take a source, we'll start the Dolly animals, they were herbivores. Roooo! Nazi so bad even Steven eats a Nazi! Stephen, we love the screenplay that Stephen'siley has given us and we love most of your ideas

for how to put it into action. It's going to be very touching and harrowing exposition of one of the most difficult historical subjects for a film. So it's just, we'd really rather you made a... Are you saying your glad Hitler was not eaten by a Stegosaurus? That sounds like what you're saying. No, Stephen, it's just that we think that as a coherent whole, the film does not need dinosaurs. Need? Did George need a shark? Nobody did help. Oh, I'm not in ketchup. Crunchy crunchy, squelchy.

Steven, oh come on, they deserved it. You know, they deserved it, Stephen, that's not really the point. Can we save the dinosaurs for the Nuremberg trial sequel? Oh, yes, Bose. Good, now one more thing, the scene with the leathery alien creature with a long neck and bony fingers. Oh, you are not taking that one out. Ha, ha, ha, ha. How'd you not let him shoot it, Andy?

Make the decision in the edit. Let him shoot the scene. Fourth March, this week beginning fourth March 2013, 33 years of Bobby McGarby and charges in Barboy from the frying pan of imperialism into the fire of dictatorship. 120 years since science was Nikki Tesla gave the first demonstration of radio, in which

she hosted a phone in previewing the forthcoming baseball season and a New York Giants fan ragging to say that the Boston B-Naters were shit and that the Giants were definitely gonna win. And the 250th anniversary of the invention of the pickled cucumber, when the Russian vegetable seller Yavgeny Gerkin, trying to promote his new season cucumbers, fell into a vat of vinegar. And when he was fished out an hour later, his relieved wife Olga Gerkina kissed invigorously and said, hmm, you taste lovely today. So that's, at that's always a section of this

bugle is going straight in the bin. Tomorrow, second of March, as I'm sure you know, John knows the birthday of two seminal rock legends, Lou Reed of the Velvet Underground and concert for Dogs fame and And the other P and his rock pod, John Bon Jovi. But, of course, exactly 20 years apart, but creatively they might as well have spent those 20 years hanging out in the same rock womb before being birthed out fully formed onto a stage somewhere and cracking straight into their crowd-pleasing mega-hit. You give love some bad heroine.

Ironically, also born on the second of March was the former Wimbledon finalist Kevin Curran, who statistically over the course of a 12-year career and pro tennis must have strummed out some pretend guitar chops on his tennis racket. So to celebrate Lou Reed and Bon Jovi's respective 71st and 51st birthdays, or if you prefer their joint 120-second birthday, in bin this week, four special tracks recorded exclusively for the bugle by these two zuses of rock, including living on a satellite of love, Venus in a bed of roses. I'll sleep when I'm at some of tomorrow's parties, and Jesus dead or alive. That's in the bin.

That's in no thing. Top story this week. Give me a mess. Mess, give me poverty. Give me a Islamic detergency. Give me a painful history of colonialism. Papers of colonialism. What have you got? Mali! It's...

It's MaliLY news now. Now, Africa. And it's the wonderful land where humanity originated and where humanity has frequently attempted to destroy itself. It really is a place of limitless potential, very much like the Snooker player Ronny O'Sullivan. Incredible talent, but it's God, it's problems. And it.

And MOLLY is experiencing what most human rights watches would describe as an Islamic militant cluster of f***. For a while now, the international community have tried desperately hard to solve this problem by ignoring it as ferociously as they can and hoping that it goes away, crossing their fingers, Andy, until they nearly break, but unfortunately, that tactic, which has been so popular in the past for some reason, just doesn't seem to have worked out this time again.

Quite a lot has been happening there over the last month, but you wouldn't know that if you watch most of the news on television, which has preferred to cover stories about cats getting stuck in dish washes and things like that. If not that, something closer to that then really you have to be comfortable with. Yeah, the desert-based terrorism-related crisis that was maybe not all the rage a few weeks ago, but at least some of the rage has been rumbling on like a dark and glutton stomach.

And although the alkyd are related terrorists, boo, boo, they're initially repelled. According to reports, they've now established mountain strongholds in the lawless northern area of the country. Oh, Sean J. LeDee's Galkyda, is that all you've got? So, pipe down fellers, yeah. Now, we seem to be in repelled by armed forces, and not really got too much PR traction with the public

for whatever reason. So we need a plan B, anyone? Yes, Yusuf. Boss, how about establishing a mountain stronghold in the lawless area? I'll hang on Yusuf, let me guess. Fit it up with caves, tunnels and landmines from where to run a guerrilla war with no foreseeable end. Have you been reading my notebook, Boss? Remarkably, never to go on a skiing holiday with you, Yusuf.

Come on, fellas, I just feel creatively we've been there and done it. Any takers for running for office through democratic channels? Okay, I'll see how I'm on my own on this one. Okay, we'll go with you, Sus plan. Andy, just let's pause to just acknowledge and outstanding Molly and Islamic militant impression. Well, let's sit there and deep cover on it. You went through the gears there. So, let's bring you up to speed as to what's been happening. Initially, the French military got involved and I know that sounds like a grammatically incorrect statement. The French military historically doesn't really got to get involved in anything Andy unless it's a surrender competition or a bakeoff of some kind. Both of which they've

proven themselves to be excellent at in the past, outstanding track record Andy. America has really got its claws into you, John. To be honest, this particular gripe was there before I moved here, Andy. It was just exacerbated. The French have been going from town to town over the last few weeks and clearing the Millicents out. A few weeks ago, French-led forces entered Timbuktu and secured the town without a shot being fired. And that's just how the French army likes it.

And I believe 85% of them are officially registered as being allergic to loud bangs. You're right, that one may have had an American influence to it. At the French paratroopers, crept into Timbuck 2 apparently during the night, advancing from the airport and residents instantly took to the streets to celebrate. CREPED INTO TINBUCK TO PARROTE AND JOIN THE NIGHT, AVANTING FROM THE AIR PORT AND RESIDENT, INSENDLY, TOOK TO THE STREETS TO CELEBRATE. THE FRIENDS TRUMPES EMPLEGELY SET UP AND EMERGENCY BOOLONGERY AND A SMALL BUT EXCELLENT VINIOT. AND THE CONSISTANT WITH THE FRIENDSHALE ME SLOGAN, NO MAN LEFT BEHIND, WITHOUT AN OUTSTANDING BAKED STREETS. THAT'S A COMPLUMENT, AND THEE.

SO THAT CAN'T BE EFFENSIVE. THEY CAN BAKE IS WHAT I'M SAYING. Testify. I mean... That's just a fact. Yeah, I mean, yeah, you can can't be offensive. They can bake, is what I'm saying. Testify. I mean, that's just a fact. Yeah, I mean, yeah, you can't argue with that. You can't argue with that. They're outstanding bakers.

If they could fight like they could bake, they'd be the dominant world superpower. You know, those are tricky multi-task to pull off, isn't it? As when Joan of Arc was probably the closest to going to it, I'll give you a chance arguments he took both sides too far But Marley remains in dire need of humanitarian assistance According to John King director operations for the office for the coordination of humanitarian affairs and He said a pro he also said that there's a great need for educational support. He said approximately 200,000 children in Marley are not getting any education and haven't had any for the last year.

And at the moment he said this, millions of school children across the world started looking up potential employment openings for Daddy and Marley. Schools out for summer! Schools out for endemic poverty and chronic political instability. Of the many things that we were too late to assist with after intervening, it turns out that we were too late to stop insurgents from setting fire to a library as they left in Bucktoe, which contained thousands of priceless historic manuscripts. And that is a classic dick move from the insurgents, Andy. They just love to ruin nice things for no purpose whatsoever than to cement their reputation of relentless prickery. I think that's because it's consistent with their insurgent slogan, if in doubt, be a gigantic dickbag.

The mayor of Timbuktu spoke of the devastating blow to World Heritage after two buildings that held manuscripts was dated back to the 13th century were taught by these complete shipbags. The manuscripts that survived the fire were also then reportedly taken away by rebels. So, hold on, cos that logically makes no sense whatsoever, Andy. They set fire to the manuscripts and then ran off with the manuscripts that they managed to save from the fire they started. These people are f**king more lost! managed to save from the fire they started. These people are f**king more lost. Yeah, the heart of it all, those perennial dicks, the Islamic extremists.

Now, I know we bridge John, which traditionally like to support an underdog in any contest. But these guys are really hard to warm to as a neutral. They are at best aggressive conversationalists. And their PR skills are, well, minimal. There are an offshoots of Al Qaeda, the main group involved, Al Qaeda, the most tedious minority interest pressure group of the Millennium.

And leading the way is the Islamist group, Ansar Dean, also known as Verishly, as the Boom Boom bastards, and the desert. And they have, they have them. They've banned a number of things, John, as these fellas like to do. They've banned video games. They've banned both Marley and Western music.

They banned bars and they also banned football. Whoa, no, no, no, no. No, that is one step too far, answer, Dean. Video games, yeah, they're a bit childish, but lots of parents have been there That is one step too far, Ed Sardine, video games. Yeah, they're a bit childish, but lots of parents have been there when they want their children to concentrate on their homework or in this case,

on spreading a gospel of hate. So you can just about understand, banning your, mollian or western music. Well, John, I'm not up to speed on mollian music, but western music, well, let's be honest, there's been good and there's been bad. I mean, you might be throwing a baby out with the bathwater

but on balance, it's probably a zero sum game. Now... You can live with that, right? Banging bars? Well, it could be a much needed boost for the traditional country pub in rural Northern Marley. So, again, that's fair enough. But football, what the f***? And anyway, why don't you like football, Anson? You should love football.

It has arcane outdated rules, an opinionated fanbase, and traditionally, hate gaze and has almost no time for women. It is a bastion of gender inequality and prejudice. That should be right up your shoes. But so, I mean, one of the key questions is, why are Britain and especially France helping out here when they've shown that they've been able to ignore it as well as the rest of the international community for so long. For France, Marley of course used to be part of the French African Empire for Britain.

Many of Marley's close neighbours were part of our house. I'll put this part of our empire, or as we prefer to call it our exclusive club of forced international friendships. of our empire, or as we prefer to call it our exclusive club of forced international friendships. Yeah, if that's happening now, we'd call it, look, a lexion british. And so the response to the French intervention has been largely hugely positive from the people of Marley, but you could understand if it also came with a little suspicion,

you could not blame them if there was a sense of, oh, hello, you again, how long are you staying for this time exactly? Just a few weeks, that's funny because I remember that's exactly what you said last time. It's hard to know if Frantin Brittener doing this out of a sense of responsibility or a sense of guilt or some combination of the two because as a British personality you certainly do look at a map of Africa, you look at so many regions of the world, and you think, whoopsie, maybe we should have given all of that a bit more thought. It's just, we were so busy at the time wondering exactly where would be the best place on our bedroom wall for that elephant act. So I guess in that context, John, with a threat of an Islamist takeover, ruring it to plug ugly head, intervening was ethically the very least we could do.

And politically the very most we could do. Now, the latest is that after this intervention, France is making it clear that it would like to start pulling out its 4,000 troops by March. Oh, that's this March, Andy, The one that is happening as of today. That much. The march that we're in now. It wants planning for a transition to begin now so that the handover can be fully completed by April. That's this April handy.

The one that starts in just over four weeks. And the French Foreign Minister said, for the moment the securities are short, we can envisage without changing the structures that it can be placed on the framework of UN peacekeeping operations. Wow, again Andy, it is amazing how quickly an intervention can be completed

when there are not massive amounts of natural resources involved. Okay, good luck with everything. See you later, fingers crossed guys. We will be rooting for you from over there. Oh yes, we're quite all right for sand, thank you. Yeah, because things are, things are by no means okay over there as you mentioned Andy. And we may be rolling out the Mission Accomplish banner with a W bushy and level of pre-maturedty.

You know well prize winning writer, Wal-A Soyinka, said rather beautiful sentence about this rather disturbing situation talking about the kind of the pointlessness of this this kind of al-Qaeda off-shoot. He says the world is facing viral mutations of the human psyche. Now it's assumed he was referring to the terrorist threat in Marley. It is feasibly just read a step by step explanation of the global banking crisis. It's even possible that he had just watched the love guru but it's still a nice phrase, a lovely phrase. Andy, how can you see the crisis in Marley, the world's banking collapse, and then use those things to throw a punch about the love guru? You do not understand what you're experiencing now.

They're part of the same continuum job. They're all, you know, unavoidable atrocities. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Pope news now and holy shit with populous. Look, we got no Pope bandit. We're in a no Pope situation right now. We just lost 100% of our popes and we have a Pope shaped hole to fill.

If they tried to wake up the Pope this morning in the Vatican Andy, then a pull back the covers to see two pillows wearing a Pope hat with an iPod playing some faint snoring sounds because the Pope has to put it not mildly the **** off Andy or he's resigned to put it in a significantly mild way. That has a sentence that hasn't been said for almost 600 years. Yes, he's gone the 86 year old father of 1.2 billion has quacked. He's hung up his ferry, and left those 1.2 billion children as orphans for a little bit, anyway, until the all new Pope is unveiled.

Papa 266. He's going on, Pope Benedict now new Pope is unveiled, Papa 266. Let's go ahead and own, Pope Benedict's now becomes Emeritus Pope, coincidentally the name of the third basement in the World Series winning Miami Rap Poisoners team of 1884. And when he left, this week, Pope Benedict the 16th flew off by helicopter. He flew off in a chopper, John.

And that is a Vatican tradition that dates back to when they picked Mike Angelo over Lenny Da Vinci to paint the cysteine chapel. And as a consolation prize, they used one of Little Leonardo's designs for a new papal vehicle. He basically submitted the design to paint the cysteine chapel with helicopters, fire engines, motorbikes and speedboats. It was just a classic little boy, really. Yeah, that was the thing. I actually saw those scenes of the Pope getting into the helicopter and leaving. I think most people's response was, hold on, hold on.

Is there a Pope copter in there? Where the f*** did that come from? How long has the Pope had a holy copter? And what else are you hiding in there? Is there a Pope Marine, a Pope submarine that can take him underwater? Is there an official PayPal jet ski that we should know about? Sure, Jesus may have walked on water, but the Pope can jet ski his way down the tibet any time he pleases. We can't only be finding out about this equipment now Andy,

does the Vatican have a James Bond style underground bunker with an assortment of tricked out Pope vehicles? Because if it does, unrelatively short, then it's probably one of the least weird things that secretly goes on in there. Well, he left the Pope had to hand in his papal ring, his personal seal, and his red shoes. It was basically like a corrupt cop in an American movie, and he's just, we just know he's going to be back, John. He's going to be back to save for the... John, do you know the reason the Pope has a seal?

No. Well, it goes back to the fish symbol of Christians, which of course goes back to ancient times and a Greek word for fish being Ickthus, the letters of which in Greeks spelled out Jesus Christ, son of God and Savior, and fish itself, of course, being an acronym for f***ing incredible stories and hogas pocus. So the early days of Christianity, when they had to keep their fate a bit secret from the Romans, they used to throw fish at the Pope. Now as Christianity grew in numbers, the Pope found he couldn't eat all the fish. So he got himself a seal.

And to this day, the seal sits next to him in the Vatican and eats his fish. True or false, buglers, you decide. Again, even if that is true, Andy, that is still not the weirdest thing that I'm sure goes on in there. Like you say, apparently the fisherman's ring, his official ring, will apparently be smashed with a specially designed silver hammer. The silver hammer will then be smashed

by a specially designed ruby chainsaw, which will then be run over by a specially designed golden bulldozer, which will then driven straight into the sea of Galilee, where I'll be eaten by especially designed robotic whale. Listen Andy, if it's the first time this has happened in 600 years, if you get a chance to make up traditions for the first time, you want to make them good ones. Force people to do crazy stuff in the future? This is a huge opportunity. It's what religion's all about, Tom. Yeah, the Pope in his valedictory speech admitted that his time in charge had involved quotes,

choppy waters. How that John is, a classic British understatement, proving once again that God is a Brit, if his earthly PI can come up with stuff like that. And it goes into the annals of classic validictory under statements, including Richard Nixon, when he left office saying, yeah, I've not got everything right, but there you go. Live and learn. And if I can just slightly tweak something I said before, I'm not that much of a crook. It would be eighth on abdicating the throne in 1936 said, I guess I'm going to have to get

myself a new hat. Well, she better be worth it. Neville Chamberlain, when he left office in 1940 said, well, Mr Hitler has proved something of a troublesome diplomatic partner. Whilst Eva Brown, on her, parting from life, said, well, Adolf Darling, to be honest, it has not been the classic fairy tale marriage I'd always dreamed of. Well, Abraham Lincoln's farewell speech involved the words, boring, this play needs some action. You're right, any choppy waters was a restrained choice of words to put it pleasantly.

I think those waters were a little more than choppy. That was some perfect storm level waves with huge fucking icebergs bouncing around on them. I think if you ask people in Ireland about the institutional child abuse scandal, they probably describe it more as a ferocious whirlpool in the ocean that sucked down an entire nation's faith in the church, but to each their own water-based metaphor. Pope's ex-Pope, ex-Pope Benny said his troubled papacy had included moments of joy, but also difficulty when, and I quote, it seemed like the Lord was sleeping. And if that was the case, Andy, and the Pope has a direct line to God, why didn't he try and wake him the f*** up? Andy, sorry to interrupt you you Lord, I know how

you like your rest, but I'm a little concerned that your church is falling apart at the seams. It was like, sure, yeah, sure, yeah, I'll let your snooze, I'll pray you're back in five minutes, no problem. But before you're not off again, can you just clarify what you think about condoms? There's a lot of people dying out down here because of the short no problem, no problem, five minutes it is. Snews dying. Sweet dreams. Yes, I'll be quiet. To be honest, I think he's been snoozing for quite a long time, about two thousand years. In fact, because it's been two thousand years since he really said anything of no, yadda yadda in those days, now almost nothing. And when he does say anything, you know, bafflingly out of character, telling Bush to invade Iraq,

my theory, John, is that God has had a stroke, possibly brought about by the stress of his son, dying so young, and his own residual feelings of guilt about his role in the matter. But you're right, his personal seal will be destroyed, his ring is gonna be destroyed. Apparently all of this is nothing new, as the Vatican pointed out, that objects strictly tied to the Ministry of San Peter to be destroyed. Apparently all of this is nothing new, as the Vatican pointed out that objects strictly tied to the Ministry of San Pietro must be destroyed. And I'd be a little

more interested in the documents undoubtedly currently getting put into the solid gold Vatican shredder, to be honest, but I'm sure it's now an important tradition to be kept up as well, along with the ceremonial right wing wiping of the Vatican hard drives. The final shift is going to be that the Pope will apparently give up wearing his red shoes, the shoes of the fisherman that have been a key part of his Pope style. And he'll be wearing brown shoes instead. Listen Andy, I think we all know the only way to go out

was to throw his red shoes into the crowd before strapping on his papal rocket boots, which there is no way they don't have in there, Andy. They've definitely got white rocket boots with gold wings up the side and crosses on the heel, and then fly off into the sunset, flipping the crowd the bird. That would have given the world

a much better sense of closure on this. That, they've definitely got rocket boots, John. That is why the Sistine Chapel was painted. So intricately, because some of the floor, you can't see it clearly. It was painted someone who has a rocket boots to have a good, good cloak look. So the successor is going to be chosen in a conclave. Now, since the resignation has tends to happen with anything that celebs like the Pope do these days, conclaves have become really trendy. People have been booking a holiday conclaves and even stagging the hen conclaves

just to get that little bit of showbiz stardust in their lives. What exactly happens at a conclave? Well, you don't need me to tell you that a conclave involves a meeting of the College of Cardinals. Man is it hard to get a place to study at that place, particularly if you're doing biomedical sciences or sports management. Now at the conclave all of Catholicism, PLC's biggest and holiest cheeses, a veritable collection of grown-dem Tals, hook up, hang out, catch up on all the goss, and play a cheeky little game of Pick the Pope. Generally they'll arrive at 4.30pm for cake and counter-phase, bit of karaoke around 5.30 or singing hymns as church people like to call it.

Checking with the boss, or pray then dinner, bit of flesh, bit of blood, then a proper chin mag about all the potential popes on the shortlistlist. They'll natural about their respective CVs, maybe chucking a quick drinking game or communion. Then they'll rate all the possible opponents out of 10, knock off the best and worst marks, make sure no one has a wireless link up to Malaysian betting syndicate under their mighter, and bingo, we have a winner,

and then party, party, party. Sorry, I missed that. Pray, pray, pray. And one of the biggest jobs facing the new Pope John, he's gonna have to choose a name, which most of us don't generally have to do. Cardinal Ratsinger chose Benedict, the 16th Benedict, although one of them was disqualified.

Benedict the 10th viewed as an anti-Pope, leading Benedict's in third place bronze medal with 15 popes behind John 21 Pope John's yes yes the last one being any guesses any guess the last of the 21 Pope John's can you guess John Paul now he was John he was the second of the John Paul's John I'm just looking for pure John's no we're taking the John's we're taking the John the J.P.s as well John, they last in 21st Pope John was John the 23rd, because there were two Jans that John the 16th, another anti-Pope, and John the 20th,

who didn't exist. Oh, I see. Yeah, they just skipped one. Okay. Okay. 16 Gregory's, other popular names of the new Pope might consider Clement, innocent, bit of a risk in the current ecclesiastical climate. Pius, why not, Boniface, Paul, Kevin and Nigel.

Or he could go off-pieceaced with some of the less common Pope Nomew's like Sylvester, Adiodatus, Simplishius, Conan, and I really think this must come into consideration, hilarious. Ha ha ha ha. Pope hilarious was St Peter's CEO from 461 AD to 468. And he got his name due to his innumerable pranks, including his top three, Papal Pranks.

Prankrank 3, the electrified collection plate, in which Pope hilarious gave his congregation members an electric shock if they put coins in. And he'd be standing there next to them saying, no, please, that glass isn't gonna fucking stain itself. Prankrank 2, the Jacuzzi font, in which during a baptism he would switch the Jacuzzi on just as he dipped the baby in before saying, oops, look like we've got us another devil child, bubbly bubbly bubbly. And his all time favourite, top rank prank, hiding a parrot inside the other bishops' miters, so that when they were doing confession, the parrot would mimic everything the confessor was saying, much of their annoyance.

I think I fancy my wife's sister. I think I fancy my wife's sister. Bissie, I do not think you're taking this seriously. I stole a pig. I stole a pig? You're exxuncy. You are not making this any easier. Who's a pretty boy then? Sorry, bissie, was that you, said that or the parent? LAUGHTER Of course, the new Pope could be set to come from outside Europe as we discussed the other week. Cardinal Adelo Shera from Brazil, 25 to 1 to pull on the papal briefs. So we could even have a Pope of Dino the first, John. Yes, that's what I want. Other betting, 5 to 2, favourite, Garnas Peter Turgson, actually, as his name suggests, the son of Peter Talk,

the keyboardist from the 1960s, Van the Monkeys. I thought they looked alike. Yeah, well, because in fact, Peter Talk does genuinely have some Scandinavian ancestry. So that's, you're right, they sound like Peter Talkson.

Cardinal Angelo Scholar of Italy coming up hard on the rails, three to one for the event as holding midfielder, the top American candidates, Timothy Dol Dolan and Sean O'Malley. Both 33 to one, Dolan, I believe related to Mickey Dolan's, 33 to one, looking a long shot that the Cranston Peters are going to be chanting, USA, USA anytime soon. The top British runner, Corn Mack Murphy O'Connor, way out at 150 to one. He is going to need a 1967 Grand National Star pile up to sneak home there. Others listed in the betting, as I check this morning, Bono, the Arts Bishop of Stadium Rocket at 1,000 to 1.

Congratulations to the betting website I looked at. Richard Dawkins, the prominent vocal atheist, and his quoted odds to be Pope were charmingly set at 666 to 1. But that makes him, in current betting, three times more likely to be Pope than either Madonna or Silvio Burlesconi, right man, right place, wrong sanctuary. We all take on jobs, don't we, that we've not necessarily wanted to do, but money has talked. That'd be an interesting one for Dawkins. Yeah, I think that's right. I think you need to do it. Sell out.

Well, so that was a problem with that, you know, man, like that, you're generally preaching to the converted, aren't you preaching to people who already agree with you? So, I mean, that could... In terms of jobswops, that could be absolutely sensational. It's a great channel for a documentary. It's a great channel for a documentary. Bugal feature section now and bonkers billionaires and well, it's been a terrific week for crack-buck billionaires

or millionaires even making Massive claims for things are about to do a Dennis Tito the former space tourist has announced plans to send a couple to Mars and back in a privately funded mission within five years This is sensational news. It's a bold move Andy because the technology for it does not really exist But you know what it didn't when they went to the moon Andy and confidence is 98% of science Or it certainly is for a confident scientist. If you show space, the slightest hint of doubt, it is going to be all over you like a rat. That's right. Taking advantage of Mars being at its closest point to Earth in the two planets, two celebrity planets, respective orbits. And that's good, isn't it? Because when you're spending two billion quid on a trip to Mars, you're going to want to save a bit on fuel.

But there is a risk on, John, that, because the two planets are at their closest point, the Martians are probably thinking exactly the same thing. And they could be easily a mid-space collision. Now, man-space travel, as I'm sure you discuss with your buddy Buzz this week, is one of the very few branches of science and technology that has not advanced in the last 40 years in fact it's de-advanced six moon landings in four years kicking off with the buzz and

Neil Armstrong and zero Since then now if telecommunications have made the same progress moon travel as made since 1972 we would all still be carrying yoga pots joined together with string around. The only things that have stagnated or regressed at an equivalent rate are party politics, democratic discourse, table manners, and how hot film stars are. So Tito is planning to take a pair of old bitties to Mars, at least a mature couple.

And the mission's gonna last 501 days, gonna require 1,400 kilograms of dehydrated food, yup, and 28 kilograms of toilet paper. Now, if I'm on that couple, I'm going to want to negotiate that up a bit, just to be on the safe side, because some of that dehydrated food can go, well, I mean, we all have dried apricots,

go straight through your like, start in through a poetry club. LAUGHTER Well, that is... that could be the best description, the best analogy for the digestive system that I've ever heard, Andy. Oh, I Stalin through a poetry club, and I do not say that lightly. Keep me away from jalapeno peppers. They are a digestive hand grenade. Apparently they will come as close as 100 miles from the surface of Mars, but will not

actually land on the red planets. And the aim is basically to slingshot their way all the way around, like they did with Apollo 8, which could take people to Mars for a fraction of what it would cost, NASA to do it, especially because NASA primarily would have more interest in doing it safely. LAUGHTER Dennis C. Tell is not encumbered

by respect for human life, but I'm not even saying that entirely as a bad thing. I think it's an amazing idea. One of the people involved in this Mars 500 project, Jane Pointer, admitted that it would be challenging for the couple and the selection process would attempt to find quotes resilient people that would be able to maintain a happy upbeat attitude

in the face of adversity, which we're just gonna put a bit of strain on a relationship, you know, 500 days in a rocket. She said, we want the crew of the vehicle to represent humanity. We want the youth of the world to be reflected in this crew and for girls, as well as boys, to have role models. Well, that's a dangerous road to go down, John. Sure, you want to represent both of the world's leading genders, but what about religions?

You know, how are the Christians or the Jews, Muslims or the Hindus or the paganists going to relate to this venture? If there isn't one of their team on board and if there's two people from opposing teams, well it could get a little bit spicy. And what about football fans, John? What if they pick a couple of man United fans? You're instantly alienating all the Liverpool fans from this. Those phonons are going to light up. And so they're looking for a tried and tested couple, John. Now we've been doing this podcast of five and a half years.

We've been working together for several years before that since the early Johnny Dynamite days. I'd say, you know, we probably qualify as a tried and tested couple. Let's, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, if they're looking for two people, you can take being alone for 500 days in space. Well, we've had some gigs that I felt like that.

So you could do a lot worse. A lot worse, Andy. We might need some more toilet paper when the amount of bullshit is gonna be flying around, but still. Still. I think we'd be spending that entire journey trying to come up with the stupidest possible thing

to say when we landed. I've got to say, then, might put you off the trip, John. What? That I don't take your dog. No, you're not allowed to take your dog's head. So it's so frustrating. That dog got over excited and pressed the blast off, but before his owner's got it.

I just wonder how you'd feel when you sort of two days pass the moon and he gets that twinkle in his eye. That's a pretty... Oh no! Just one thing. Oh no. Oh no. The first to pon you way all around Mars. That is a shame that Neil Armstrong didn't crack a pun when he dropped on the moon. Yeah.

So why is it that Tito is looking for an older couple, an older couple? I guess the number of possible reasons. You need to be secure in your relationship. If you're going to spend 500 days together, if you flirt unsuccessfully on day one, the next 500 are going to get progressively more and more awkward. You can't have any body image issues with each other, you don't want anyone saying, does this helmet make my head look big? And also, most importantly, it's because Dennis Tito wants to be able to broadcast this mission, he does not want a pair of newlyweds banging all over his face shit. Your emails now and we have an email here from James who says, dear Andy Chris and John,

in order of appreciation of the noble art of pun running, I'm proudly bringing up the rear of that list, Andy. On Sunday, the 14th of April, 2013, I'll be running my first ever marathon. Whop, de, f***ing do, you might say, and you'd be right. Hundreds of thousands of people run marathons every year and lots of them are older and faster than me. However, for me, the stakes will be higher.

On top of the torture of running 26.2 miles, I'll be listening to the bugle the entire way. Oh my God. That seems like a good idea until mile three. You hit the wall. Yeah, at my pace, that will be a full seven or eight bugles in a row. No, stop. Bullshit. So I didn't think it was very much split on whether the human body can even withstand

that sort of physical and mental assault. I'm therefore proposing to put my mind body and soul on the line for the only charitable course I've been leaving save the bugle. Yes, Andy, if any bugles out there feel they would like to volunteer sponsor me, I would ask that they please direct their large cash or stockport portfolio donations to the Bugles covers. Just knowing the vast sums of money we'll be pouring into the Bugles account will be enough to sperm me up. Are we saving up fresh Bugles between now and the marathon without listening to them? Oh great, so that I get only the freshest bullshit in my ears from maximum effect. If therefore, at some point at the end of March you could please slink some suitably barbed

insults at me as I hit the hard miles with the second half of the marathon. I'm point at the end of March you could please slink some suitably barbed insults at me as I hit the hard miles With the second half of the marathon. I'm sure they'll spur me on to the finish your humble listener James Gilbert That is Run James Run man run sprint hard for the first five and then coast that is like that you with a marathon that's terrible advice I hope you're already not sprinting. That is the worst thing you can do. He's not gonna make do it. Eat as big a meal as possible just before you start.

Right, 20 miles to 25 and a half miles. Yeah. Is the maddest I've ever been in all my life. He's like, torture. If he is bugling at that time. Yeah, good luck to him. We cannot be held responsible for that. But if you do want to sponsor James in his heroic effort

to simultaneously run a marathon and listen to the bugle, then thebuglepodcast.com, it's all air for you, buglers, keep those voluntos and trip sims coming in and to keep your emails coming into info at thebougalpodcast.com and check out our SoundCloud page, SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen bugle. Sport now and US-related with North Korea have been a little tricky lightly Andy, but thankfully there's been a bizarre breakthrough of some sporting diplomacy. As this week, North Korea welcome Dennis Rodman

and the Harlem Glob Shotters to Pyongyang. Let's just pause for a moment, let that sentence sink into our ears. They were apparently there with Vice Magazine who was shooting a documentary for HBO. Apparently this was able to take place because Kim Jong-un is a huge basketball fan. The details of the trip have been understandably sketchy so far, but I can only hope that

if the Supreme Leader suddenly fancy to pick up game with the Harlem Glo Trotters, they have the good sense to find a way to lose that game, I know it won't be easy, but I hope they were able to get that chubby baby to dunk on them, even if they had to hold him up to the basket themselves. And a quick word of advice to Mr Dennis Rodman, and he please, Dennis, for the love of God, I hope you took it down a notch while you were over. Remember, these people live in the most austere, isolated, homogenous place on the planet. And frankly, the site of a six and a half foot blonde African American guy with multiple piercings and eyeliner, maybe sensory overload for them. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Dad Kim Jong-il was absolute terrific sportsman. You know, well, I've got a break in Gulfer. The best.

And I believe in fact, in basketball, he once scored 270 points in a game and also got 120 rebounds. So yeah. Yeah, so it's a little blood. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's it for this week's Bugle. Thanks very much for listening. Nothing else to say really best.

Wow that really peaked it out I think. Absolutely. That is not how you sprint for it. I'm going to bullshit peak early on in this episode. That is a low energy flame out. Yeah, do subscribe if you can be asked. Yeah. Oh, I'm checking out some samples for the merch next week. Oh, good. So this is now the ruthless commercial machine that is the bugle. Yeah.

Or five and a half years after it's founding, a year and a quarter after it went independent. The merch is imminent. So, I mean, these are historic days we're living in. New Pope, new merch. What more do you f***ers want? Alright, Andy. you