The Bugle - Bugle 229 – Cyprus ready to go Mad Max

Episode Date: March 22, 2013

The latest from Cyprus, where Chris's parents have the economy in their hands, budget news from the UK and Barack Obama goes on holiday Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello, BUGLEOZ! And welcome to issue 229 of the Bugle with me and his ultimate, the five-time European Miss Remembering Champion. Or was it a hundred metre freestyle champion? Yeah, that was that. Live in London, the host city in 1666 of the short-lived British bakery-burning championships, big win for the Peter Bropair Romaniacs in that only ever staging of that event. And joining me from a city that has had three great fires in its repertoire,

according to Wikipedia, 1776, 1835 and 1845,, of course, fire fans is New York. It's the fire starter of funny, the conflagrator of comedy, the pyro of Percy Flage, the one man in Fano of the Reference, who will burn his barbs on the barbecue of Bad in Arge. The satirical scorcher himself, John, the flamingo wajid Oliver.

And the, no one likes these, linguistic pyro techniques, more than I do, as an introduction, but at some point, Flamingo Maggi Oliver. Andy, no one likes these linguistic pyrotechnics, more than I do, as an introduction, but at some point, you're going to run out of words. There is a finite time in which you can do this. Yeah, but John, I'm 38, and I don't live a particularly healthy lifestyle. I reckon, yeah.

Good point, that is what's covered you. I'm facing myself. Andy, I had to do a photo shoot yesterday for GQ magazine. And not to John's. Yeah, I do. Do you have to, John? Nothing about that sentence should be surprising to anyone. It's a natural match, Andy, because when you think of the name, John Oliver,

the first thing you think is probably menswear. And at one point, and the men swear, John, I think you just read it. I think it was a horribly misbooked event. At one point during the morning there was a fitting where I was trying on a suit that cost the amount that you would usually spend on something you'd expect to be able to drive. And the stylist looked up at me, looked up and down and said, hmm, that suit looks really good on your calves. And that's a big reach, Andy. That's essentially like saying, that suit doesn't look good on most of you.

Because if you're going all the way down to calves, you literally have nowhere else to go. John, that's a very negative word. Looking at it, maybe your fiddle was just working upwards from your feet, and that's as far as I could get more being overwhelmed by the magnification. No, no, no, because the thought process, Andy, is does it look good on your chest?

No, on your arms? Certainly not. On any of your torso, not that I can see. How about thighs? Not good, I'm afraid. Angles, it's not really on his ankles. How is it on his calves? It's fine. Soles, it's not really on his ankles. How is it on his calves?

It's fine. So that's it, Andy. I'm going to be a calf model for high-end menswear. I'm going to be the Linda Evangelista of the Lower Leg. A dust sound like they might have just been trying to talk you into a show of it of top John. Well, I don't need to talk, I mean, just point. I would not say to those great New York fires.

What in 1835 was described in a magazine called The Gentleman. And that magazine wrote, in the midst of this terrible visitation, it is consolatory to see the elastic energy of the people instead of wasting their time in despondency over this frightful desolation. It is consulatory to see the elastic energy of the people. Instead of wasting their time in despondency over this frightful desolation, the whole population seems on alert to repair the mischief. Mischief John, that was a quality 19th century understatement for a massive fire. Yeah, fire very good. Down a large part of Manhattan. And the 1845 fire began in a whale oil store in Southern Manhattan now.

Do they still have those in New York now? Do you get sure they do? Do you, where do you get your whale oil from John Dees? Well, I mean, I don't, I've never got any, but I definitely expect to be able to get it at any point during the 24 hours of a day, Andy. That's what New York's all about. If I want whale oil at 4.30 in the morning,

I should be able to get it. Did GQ not like give you some for you, as a facial pack for you? Do you know what, I did rub structure. I did rub whale oil on my calves. Maybe that's why they're so good. You could just keep your own bonsai well in well in the bath and the liposuck to every few days. Good point.

This is Bugle 229 and ironically, it's 229 years since 1784 when the Treaty of Paris was ratified, ending the American War of Independence and formally acknowledging the United States that we have sovereign independence. Oh, and betrayal. One of the dudes in the US delegation of previous year that hammered out Statheel was little Benji Franklin, banknote pin up, mullet pioneer and general all around Whizkit who proved throughout his extraordinary life exactly what a human being can achieve when he doesn't watch Telly or surf the internet. I did an incredible range at a amount of things. And in that year 1784, he was the inventor of bifocal glasses, possibly because he spent so much time during

the treaty negotiations with one eye on what he was reading and the other eye on the British delegation on the other side of the table to see whether or not they were giggling. He also invented the flexible urinary catheter, Benjamin Franklin. Possibly because when the English delegation saw what the yanks were demanding, one of them said, like, you're taking the piss. And Franklin thought to himself, hang on, there might be something in there. Who not, probably not, you actually invented it about 30 years before then. Anyway, put the point stands. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP B tips supplement. Including how to tell when the oil in your pan is just right for deep frying. How to peel an unusually large carrot.

And how to tell when you've put too much chili in your children's food? That section in the bin. Top story this week, Cyprus is Faaaaaah! Ah! Faaaaaah! I mean, it is Faaaaaah! Ah! FHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH It's one of the smallest members of the EU, a sleepy little place, but it might want to consider waking the f*** up right now, because it's currently in the middle of a financial nightmare. The EU has seen some financial shits storms over the last half a decade, but Cyprus, maybe about to unleash a fiscal tornado, so huge, that we may wake up having landed on a witch

and dancing down the road with a talking lion, a scarecrow, and a weird squeaky guy with a metal face. I don't mind you my stagnant. This, it's all began last weekend when Cyprus agreed a bailout deal with European authorities and the IMF so far, so tolerable. Next thing you know, Cypriots are protesting in the streets and all the financial institutions are closed in fear of a full scale. It's a wonderful lifestyle run on the banks but without a friendly Jimmy Stewart to calm

everyone the f*** down. No, Stavros, you've got it all wrong, your money's not here, it's in Constantine's house and Ebra's house and a hundred others. I beg of you not to do this thing So how did this happen? Cypriots are a warm, friendly people as long as you don't mention turkey in conversation And for people to nearly write on that scale you'd need to mention turkey both extremely loudly and a lot both extremely loudly and a lot. Well, it's kind of fascinating, another kind of chapter in the exciting sequences of European bailouts. Of course, began with the, here goes nothing, 2008 campaign.

Then the vomiting good money after bad tour of 2009. And the fingers crossed, it can't get that much worse surely, of 2011. The problem is Cyprus was apparently doing quite well for a bit, even after the financial shit tornado had kicked off in other parts of Europe had good growth, low unemployment. But by 2011, they'd reached the stage where Cyprus' banks combined assets were worth eight times the annual national income, which sounds quite handy until you realise that those assets were almost entirely pretend, largely made up of loans that they'd made to places like Greece which have long money to pay those loans back.

So, we're... Grick-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-tt-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-tt-t-t-t-tt-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-ttt-t-tt-tt-tt-tt-tt-tt-tt-tt-tttttttttttttttttttttt And Brigde handy, as we all know, is a spicier debt. That is one messy money moussarker. So when the financial plates got smashed at the wedding between Greece and bankruptcy, Cyprus was left with a fraction of the pretend money that it was kidding itself that it actually had, and bailout was needed. And the way the Cypriot government decided to go about these things was by essentially punishing the victims of the economic disaster because they came out of this scheme to tax people's savings. Now, I know around Europe recently John, there's been a sense that people should be made to pay and maybe there was a bit of a language barrier issue, but the separate government misinterpret as the as it should be the people who

have been responsible being made to pay and they tried to raid people's savings. They're now having to come up with a plan B after the public called bullshit in a fairly major and vocal way on plan A. So it's I don't know I'm not an economist John but as you said the little Mediterranean island has jumped aboard the bonkers bailout bandwagon calling it Athens Dublin Madrid Lisbon and all stations to Fiskablivion Parkway. But basically, the plan was all bank depositors with over $130,000 in their accounts would immediately get just under 10% of that confiscated. And smaller accounts will get around a 6.75% confiscation. It was to be called a one-off up front stability levy. But lovely you've been.

Yeah, isn't it great? But the people of Cyprus seem to see it as a one-off gigantic f**k you. So to be fair, the depositors would have got shares in the Cypriot banks in return. But to be even fairer, those shares would be completely worthless if those banks then went under. So, to prevent a run on the banks, all Cypriot banks have been shut and are unlikely

to open until next Tuesday to try and prevent mass withdrawals and all Cypriot bank managers are currently hiding inside the linings of their sofas. There have been long lines forming at ATMs, but cash in them has been rapidly running out. And Cypress seems to have essentially reached a fork in the road, Andy. Quickly renegotiate a solution which is satisfactory to no one, or go full mad max. Yes, and motorbikes get some crazy outfits with spikes on the collar and just go ****ing crazy. And I honestly think people there are 50-50 on which way to go at the moment. Well, Chris has just broken some exciting news to me. His parents live in Cyprus.

Yeah, all they do. They do. They're in England at the moment and they're going back on Sunday and bit by bit, they're taking the towels and the clothes out the bag and throwing dollars and sterling into the suitcase instead. They'll only take a couple of bags to literally be able to save the country. If the bailout goes through and it's like 10 billion euros worth of bailout that basically one of your parents is going to be owned by Germany. Yeah How does that make you feel? I'd like to say that I'd be proud of them. I think it's important I think it's an important thing for my dad, I think to just front up and accept that he is now

He's now owned by Angela Merkel. Yeah, I'll hit wire to Chris, he should feel NICS so good about that. It's such a beautiful language. Perhaps, perhaps unsurprisingly, Cyprus's Parliament rejected this whole proposition on Tuesday with zero votes in favour. Zero. It's not easy to get zero votes for anything Andy. Usually you'll get one person vote for something, even it's just because I think it will be funny. But zero votes, that takes an almost impressive ability to piss literally everyone off. So why did the European Bank try to go in so hard on Cyprus, all of a sudden? Well, part of the reason seems to be the bank accounts themselves because of the estimated 68 billion euros in total held in Cypriot

bank accounts, about 40% belongs to foreigners and not just Chris' parents. Most of them are thought to be Russians and at first that seems a little bit weird. Then that seems a little bit suspicious and then after that it only seems suspicious because the widespread belief is that much of that money is at best dirty and at worst so laundered that it basically now qualifies as clothing. Well, if it's that dodgy that it has to be laundered through Cyprus, when that is, I mean I think if they're too ashamed of it, even to plow it into a football club, I mean, if they're too ashamed of it, even to plow it into a football club, I mean, that really puts that in perspective.

A lecture report from the German Foreign Intelligence Service suggested that the main beneficiaries, because of this, from any Eurozone bailout of Cyprus, would be Russian Oleg Arks, businessman and Maffi Ozai. And that is thought to be the key reason why Savas with money and Cyprus have been put into this horrendous situation. John, John, was that? Well, they three different categories. Because I think they're just three sides of the Russian personality.

But it's worth noting that of all the groups in the world that you want to avoid pissing off, Russian mobsters are right up there at number one. And Russia itself has come out strongly against this plan. President Vladimir Putin, a man who, shall we say, wears the cologne of the corruption in extremely heavy squirts. He has, he described the, oh, Dad, you like that.

He's very, very nice. Yeah, he described the plan as unfair, unprofessional and dangerous. Although, to be fair, that's basically also a description of himself. So, so much that it would function pretty well for him as a dating profile. Man, unfair, unprofessional and dangerous, seeks woman, late teams with an ability to keep her mouth shut for sexy business. And it didn't stop there.

Russian Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev warned that Russia may be forced to correct its relationship with Cyprus if they're levishy going to effect. And it's that kind of threat, Andy. That kind of chilling Russian threat that will get a bill zero votes on the floor of a house. Oh, this is such a beautiful island. It would give me such pain to be forced to correct my relationship with this. Your wife and family live here as well, no. Oh, what a pity if I were forced to correct your house into a massive fire. I'm going to say why that Stalin corrected the membership lists of poetry societies.

LAUGHTER Russia is now in a tricky position, so it has a vested interest in Cyprus not collapsing in on itself and taking the full mad Maxonario. And it's not just the $40 billion in dodgy Russian money that's at stake, because Russia has also been using Cyprus, apparently, to funnel arms to Syria, to help Bashar Al Assad go explosively medieval on his own people. And as if this couldn't get any crazier, and this might be good news for you, Chris. News broke earlier in the week that the UK flew in a plane stacked with a million euros in cash to Cyprus as a contingency measure for British personnel

and their families. If cash machines and debit cards should stop working in Cyprus as a contingency measure for British personnel and their families. If cash machines and debit cards should stop working in Cyprus, they loaded a plane with a million euros. Oh, that should calm down everyone in Andy. How could that go wrong? There's a plane somewhere in the country with a million euros in non-traceable notes, but what you should absolutely not do is form a mob to find that plane and loot it. I can't believe they made that public. Like, hi everyone, here's a press release.

We've got to have a plane with a million quid on it. There must be a decoy. They must have been bringing a ship with 20 billion in on the other side. That might be true. We're just a show, John, that around the world, I think trust in the banking industries at an all-time low in Britain, people are, uh, increasingly myth, particularly RBS, the largely public owned banks, still posting big losses, and still paying big bonuses on the grounds that the losses aren't as big as they could be if we didn't pay such big bonuses. And that's basically how it works.

Essentially, we are rewarding people for punching us in the face, but for doing so less hard than we're used to being punched in the face, and when the alternative is being smashed on the head with an anvil. And the whole situation in Cyprus, when we see the other raids on, you know, just, this is low level savings accounts. Let's continue to give the impression, not that we are just dust in the wind of history, but that we are custard powder in the explosive flatulence of economics. When it goes wrong, we're the ones who get burnt and the whole thing stinks. So all of the, even as we speak right now, apparently Cyprus is, is hours away from a key vote on whether to go with whatever new package they're trying to go, shout or not. essentially, Cyprus is right now standing,

teetering on the edge of a fiscal cliff about to take a budgetary bungee jump. The Bank of Cyprus, the largest bank there, has said that the Cypriot economy is on the brink and desperately requires a liquidity lifeline going on to say that the next move may prove its salvation or destruction. And the European Central Bank has given the nation until Monday to raise the funds it

needs to secure a bailout. And if no plan B can be found, they may cut off funding to the island's banks, which will likely trigger their collapse, and possibly the country's exit from the euro. And that is when pandemonium will be unleashed. And I'm not talking about the popular new Japanese boy band featuring a bunch of kids dressed as pandas. So, so where next? For Cyprus, well, a new plan could include restructuring

other Cypriot banks, maybe the use of pension funds, which would be like trying to put out a fire by throwing petrol at it. Or otherwise, maybe accepting the offer of some help from Cyprus's wealthy Orthodox Church, but perhaps the most audacious and again slightly frightening offer of all came from Gazprom, the gigantic and I mean f***ing gigantic Russian gas company, because they have offered to bail out the entire country of Cyprus in one go on their own, which wouldn't

be difficult, Cyprus only need around a 13 billion bailout, and Gazprom makes around $160 billion a year. So they could probably bail out Cyprus with the loose chains they find in their Siberian tiger rugs. And all Gazprom wants in return, Andy, for this national bailout is for Cyprus to give it the exploration right to the potential gas deposits in the Mediterranean. It's such a friendly offer that is all we require from you Cyprus. We would love nothing more than to help you out in your time of need and we require in return nothing more than your delicious gas.

Now would you like to sign this contract or shall I rip off your fingers, wrap them around this pen and sign it for you? I am fine with doing it either way. Well, that's got to be featured in an animated movie at some point, that voice, John. Russian mobster smurf, Andy, for Smurf3. Got to make it more topical. The point is, Cyprus is FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU What a great way to relax and get away from political difficulties back home, Andy. What better way than by travelling to the biggest political cluster on the planet? I'm sure he'll come back fully recharged or at least saying, holy shit, I can't believe I'm going to say this, but it's actually great to be back.

His relationship with Benjamin Netanyahu has been strained, famously strained over the last four years, and he tried to lighten the mood immediately when he landed in Israel. Cameras caught him making a light-hearted reference to Netanyahu's warning of a red line with Iran's nuclear programme when they were visiting a military site. Apparently, President Obama asked a military official, you know, where do you want to start? And the military official replied, we're following the red line, sir, referring to a red line on the tarmac. A bomb with them replied, oh, the red line, okay.

And then smiled and gestured with his thumb towards Netanyahu and said, he's always talking to me about red lines. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! And it's funny, Andy, because Israel is desperate to launch a pre-adjusted strike on Iran. Ah!

And we don't want that. That's why it's funny, Andy. And it's even funny because we've been so optically killing all the radio-nucleicitis instead. That's what makes it really hilarious, Andy. Oh, that's just good stuff. But maybe you had to be there. I don't know. President Obama wasn't actually the only one taking a different approach to diplomacy

as King Abdullah of Jordan spent a recent interview essentially zinging every single leader in the Middle East. It was a really amazingly refreshing approach. He said that Muhammad Morsi in Egypt has no depth. He described Prime Minister Erdogan of Turkey as an authoritarian who views democracy as, I quote, a bus ride as in once I get to my stop, I'm getting off.

When asked about Pasha'ala Sad of Syria, he said he's so provincial that at a social dinner, he wants to ask the monarchs of Jordan and Morocco to explain jet lag to him, saying he'd never heard of jet lag. He even took on his own family, saying members of my own family don't get it. Look at some of my brothers, they believe their princes, but my cousins are more princes than my brothers, and their in-laws are like, oh my god. I'm always having to stop members of my family from putting lights on their guard cars.

I arrest members of my family and take their cars away from them and cut off their fuel rations and make them stop at traffic lights. And he then dismissed tribal leaders from the east bank of the Jordan River who've traditionally been his own family's base of support calling them old dinosaurs. Zing! And they just got kingsing! Again, at least this is a new approach to diplomacy, insult comedy. It's gotta be worth the try. It's exactly, let's fly Don Rickles over the Middle East, hanging off a helicopter in

a special harness with a microphone in one hand and a loudspeaker the other, zinging the shit out of the leader of every country he passes. Hey, Morsi, if a thought ever crossed your mind, it must have been a long and harrowing journey. Boom! Hey, Netanyahu, you're more stubbornly rigid than a dead donkey. Good thing! Hey, Lebanese President Solomon, look at your face.

Was anyone else hurt in that accident? Aloha! Hey, have a cup of tea. I'll never forget the first time we met, but I'm sure as hell gonna keep trying, Kaplow-y! It's gotta be worth the ending. Yeah.

Some charming rickles, stickers. And Burlesco, he's pretty much tried that in Europe, certainly with Angela Merkel. He went a little hard. He went a little, that was less Rickles and more Lisa Lamponelli. To call a major world leader an unf***able badass. Look, that is going heavy. That's edgy stuff.

Let's start with Rickles before we move on to that stuff. British media news now and finally a deal has been struck between the three main political parties on how to regulate the press in the aftermath of the levyson inquiry into the phone hacking shamosel and finally John it was a almost unique example of cross-party cooperation to provide a balanced solution suitable for all the varying snouts in the political dung heap. Last, the bickering squawk of British politics had moderated to a harm-monicially unified toot. It all seemed reassuringly mature of our much-maligned political system.

And then as soon as they'd reached this cordial agreement, they all started claiming credit for it. It was my idea. It was definitely not your idea. It was definitely my idea. And then they even started arguing over exactly what it was they'd agreed to anyway. It was British democracy at its shit best. And people immediately started discussing the implications of the deal that have been

struck. Will it, as the New York Times suggested, chill free speech in Britain, as well as threatening smaller publishers, bloggers and the like, which I guess John could include podcasts under the new regulations, would we, on the the bugle Britain's one remaining properly sharp and sort of truth be able to claim that I'd got together with and they had jointly whilst and the horse were in and whilst a prominent member of the clergy only 14 and into his I mean will we still be able to make those claims? Oh, shit, even if they're true. I mean I guess

We'll just have to put it out there John and see whether or not I get censored. If they ever start bleeping that stuff Andy, the bugle is finished. So does it truly overturn 300 years of press freedom in Britain and some people of the statistics or does it just slightly nudge it? Some stations of the media are concerned that the new agreement will significantly curtail their ability to behave like total ****, which could have serious implications for their circulation. As Leverson himself said, a free press is one of the true safeguards of democracy and that is undeniably true, but the problem is the way the press has been behaving

in this country, a free press is also one of the biggest threats to democracy as well. And some people said this was a sad day for press freedom. Well, I think the sad day for press freedom was when the press took their freedom and chained it to a radiator in a secret sex dungeon wearing a gimp mask, and told that freedom to call it mistress bank hammer. The problem is that the press, given the power and responsibility to regulate itself, has applied that power and responsibility very much in the same way that a child self-regulates with a tambourine. I, somewhere between completely incompetently and not at all, answer the significant detriment of everyone around it. They've self-regulated in the same way that a 19th century British

person used to self-regulate, when left alone in a jungle clearing with a massive gun, be a sleeping tiger, and see the knowledge that back home there was a big empty space next to the fire that was just crying out for a new rug. But fundamentally the greatest problem is that if you want someone to regulate the press, the two groups you least want to do it are A, the press and B, politicians. And they are the only two groups with the power to actually do it, or at least to pretend that they're actually doing it. Two of the least trusted social groups in the country looking after one of its most precious possessions, what could possibly go wrong? Many of the major newspapers involved said they needed time to study the details of this before commenting fully. And that's I'd like them, Andy, because that's the kind of attention to detail and commitment

to rigorous journalism that I thought they'd long since been immune to it. You know what? Maybe they've really changed from this Andy. Maybe we got them wrong and maybe they've really learnt some powerful lessons and they've told them what's that clicking sound on my f- I'm getting the Hacking Be Andy! The Hacking Be again! Can you be again? The The The The The The The The Budget news now and uh well George Osborne announced to the nation his uh his latest shoving the pennies around the empty pint pots for the nation and in the biggest move of

the budgets this time. Beer the price of beer has come down by one pants per pint. Wow. And it is quite possible that this single measure could save the entire national economy. The reduction in the beer price starts from this Sunday. And George Osborne says, said, I expect it to be passed on in full to customers. One thing, very well, that is the smallest amount of money we now have in this country,

since the half-b was ditched about 30 years ago. He's been full, John. He's full. He's personally bought every British citizen half a thimble full of beer. Cheers. I've done a I've done a matter on this John. Oh yeah. So over the course of a year you could say 48 pounds 58 pence. Wow. If you drink 15 pence of beer a day. But there is a flip side to this because if you drink 50 bottles of wine in a week, you're going to be 243 pounds worse off. And if you drink three bottles of whiskey a night, you're 461 quid worse off over the course of a year.

So just to balance the savings, this is about why I'm losing on my wine and whiskey. I'm going to have to drink 218 points of beer a day. I'm not a doctor of that. So that sounds risky, John. Thanks for crunching those numbers, Andy. That's really illuminating. At Hackney prices, it basically means that you can drink 400 points for the price of 399.

Oh, that is. I expect to see that side going outside the front of every pub. Oh, that is, I expect to see that side going outside the front of every pub. And the very stinking around with the tax brackets dropping the top level rate of tax for the poor, super wealthy who have been struggling so grievously in recent times. And again, they have this budget calculation on the BBC website and I put it in. And apparently this budget is quite good news for me. So how are you going to make me £.9 million pounds a year better off? Offer.

Well I wasn't, I mean I did slightly overexaggerate my earnings, but you know, 100 million a year, I reckon that's not that far off, is it? No. But I was already putting in, I was imagining what your earnings are, John, after Smurf's too, this has increased. Haha.

Oh, it's gonna be huge, Andy. It's tr Trumpian level. This is reportedly going to be great news for the struggling brewing industry in Britain after apparently 10,000 pubs have closed in the last decade in Britain. And the real Ayltrinke's group, Camera, welcomed in use with a statement saying

it was brilliant and momentous and great and just fantastic and it's just meant so much to us that we really feel special and it's nice it's nice to feel that way because no one's really sout to us and like that in a long time and we just we were just going to go to the toilet to be just a very little bit sick for a second, and we'll be right back and who's round as in next. Well, emails now, and this one comes from Ben, and in fact many, many others by email and tweet, who have picked up on something that's a bugle favourite of recent weeks has tweeted.

Who writes, I was just cruising through the Iron Shakes latest tweets and discovered a dig at the Smurfs. He wrote. Wait, what? Yeah. I mean, John, you're taking on the big guns here now, mate. You put yourself out there. You're going to be going to be shot at.

Family guy, Iron Shake class, but Smurfs, no good. Motherf**ker lowlife. Smurfs, Smurfs, no good mother f***er lowlife! smurfs no good mother f***er lowlife. Yeah, that's not a good way. That's not a good way. Star of U to me, John. He's a linguistic maverick, that guy. He will not obey the laws of language or punctuation.

I think he deflects you away from the meat of his... LAUGHTER You know, we don't know Andy. Can you haven't seen it yet? You haven't seen the first one. All right, neither of us. So the point is neither of us are qualified to comment on that. Johnny, if I did not comment on things

I do not know about, this would be an extremely short podcast. When is the second one coming out? Was it out already? Was it been gone? No, I think it's out this summer, Andy. So much 2013 is going to be huge. Smurfs too, it's called. In fact, Matilda, my daughter asked the other day, she said, what's a smurf? Oh, well, summer 2013, she's about to find out, Andy. Well, she's about to find out if you're flinging a decent load of merch for it, John. On the subject of merch, the Bugle merch, it's been given the all clear. I'm just waiting for confirmation. So when

it's actually going to be on sale, but hopefully within the next week, two weeks, I think I've been saying that for four or five weeks, next decade, and then you're covered. Then we then we won't lie to people. The point is all you bugle is not going to have to go shirtless for much longer Smurf 2 summer 2013 bugle merch summer 2014 We have another email here from Matthew Wilson, which is basically a photo and

The caption of the photo is he's the most sure of Murth the Iatola of rock and roll are the Pope with the straight dope He's the Mosheur of Murth, the Iatolour of Rock and Roller, the Pope with the straight dope, Zoltor the First. We'll praise him, Zoltor, Imitesque Unus, amen. Basically, it is a spectacular photo of Andy as the new Pope with me, a slightly creepy card and all behind him, walking through the streets of the Vatican. And you're gonna tweet it out on you, Andy.

Yeah, we'll put it up on. It's very, it's very, it looks plausible. I think I can. It looks pretty well, actually. You look good, you look like a Pope Andy. And it looks like a few pounds as well. That is amazing to say for a Jewish man. That's how it all began, isn't it?

I was, I was really hoping they would go back to basics and have a kind of late 20s, early 30s Jewish man with a Ripley six pack. So we'll put that out. Chris will put it on the website and Facebook. Yeah. Yes, I will. I'm a bit out of the loop with Facebook.

Yep, but I'll, I'm pleading no exists. Yeah, yeah. I'll pop it on Twitter when I'm a bit out of the loop with Facebook. Yep, but I'll... I'm pleased you know it exists. Yeah, yeah. I'll pop it on Twitter when I'm getting the chance. Do keep your remarks coming into info at thebugelpodcast.com. Don't forget you can check out our SoundCloud page, SoundCloud.com slash The Life in Bugle. And if you have not yet the volume to subscribe to the Bugle to keep the Bugle going for all eternity, please do so at

thebeaglepodcast.com or we will hunt you down and kill you. Well that's about it for this week's Beagle and in fact for the next two weeks we're gonna be off for Easter and for John to go to Australia. Yeah I have to go to Australia for a few days to shoot a piece. That's a f*** of a long way to go and for a few days. But still, I'm doing it. And I must actually put out an apology to our Australian listeners because there's been total mayhem in Australia

with their government. Yes, that's true. Coo's and more importantly from an English perspective with their government. Yes, that's true. To coos and more importantly from an English perspective with their cricket team, when they drop four players for basically failing to give in their written homework to the coach. Yeah. So I mean, it's been a spectacular time for Australia as a nation, but we haven't had time to cover it, and now we've got two weeks off, but I think we'll rectify that. In the next full bugle in hopefully three weeks' time. So maybe you can rectify while you're there, John. Well, I was the people of Australia need to understand

that a bloodless coup is not an interesting coup. You've got to... Yes, they've had a spectacular amount of coups, but we really have to see some blood in the streets for it to make the news. You've got to give people something, visual. We're off next week for Easter, the anniversary of the certified Donkey fan, Jesus Christ,

being literally Bank to Rights. Successful prosecution. Yeah, took a real hammering. The former carpenter and home brew enthusiast. But what a year for Easter to happen, John, 2013, because we, of course, reported exclusively on the coronation of the new Pope, and this week, we had a new art, which sort of canterbury inaugurated as well, and he kind of thinking, John Easter's, that's a big deal for the Christian Canada. They are going to both want to stamp their mark on things, and I think there's

a big possibility of a huge Easter showdown, Brand new Pope, brand new Canterbury. They're gonna have it out once and for all. Is it pretend blood? Is it real blood? The world will find out. Wellby versus Bergoglio, refereed by the MD and owner of their rival franchises. Almighty God, can Bergoglio get well-being

a proper Catholicing or Anglican Wellby, put his Roman rival on the Ecclesiastic canvas or Anglican well-being put his Roman rival on the Ecclesiastic canvas or Anglicante Either way, it's Easter, someone is gonna get cross June in, next time And have the happiest of all possible Easter. Do you wish people happy Easter or not? I said Easter isn't it? It's sad? Sad then happy, I guess.

You do it, you wish Sad then happy I guess. You do you we were Jews happy then sad. Cost of the lot of market share. Bad memories bad memories. But guilty definitely guilty. Under the laws of the day I think. That's right. Don't judge in what today's standards. Thanks for listening Bugleers we'll be back with we'll have supplementary episodes in the next couple of weeks. Hopefully by the time we next to a full bugle, the merch will be there. And you will be parading around with your bugle mugs on your heads, drinking coffee out of your bugle-based full caps, and sleeping in your bugle t-shirts.

Until then, goodbye. Bye! MBC 뉴스 김