The Bugle - Bugle 235 – The long arm of the lorry

Episode Date: May 17, 2013

What crazy democracy would put it's legal aid system in the hands of a haulage firm? What crazy democracy would elect a twice removed crook? Find the answers in this weeks Bugle! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bee Euglers, and welcome to issue 235 of the world's leading and only audio newspaper for a visual world. A single shaft of hope in a universe of unremitting darkness. That's a lovely review we got this week from Potato Processing International Magazine. For the wee beginning Monday, the 20th of May, 2013, this week we'll be discussing what type of dung makes the most comfortable bed, living into double figures, the pros and cons, and how to make plague fun.

Oh shit, I've got the wrong millennium. Sorry, Monday, the 20th of May, 2013, with me and his ultimate here in London, and in the city that never sleeps, which might explain why it's so irritable a lot of the time and has so many coffee shops. New York is these a Lesnie of Zingers hurling his javelin of joviality right up the middle of satire stadium. It's John the melting objín Oliver. Hello Andy, hello, Buugles and Andy, I'll speak to you from a country that is just coming down from a very intense bout of Prince Harry Fever. And look, I know that Harry has been a controversial figure in the past,

what with the naked pictures and the Nazi pictures. And let's not gloss over that last one because let's remember that he did actually dress like a Nazi that one time. But on this trip, to be fair to the lad, Andy, he was Prince Charming personified, helping wounded warriors, hitting baseballs, charmingly well, and touring a landmine exhibition to the screams of girls outside.

That's how attractive he's become Andy. He now has the capacity to make women horny at a landmine exhibit. Journalists here, breathlessly ran around after him discreasing their profession, frantically asking questions to anyone he met along the lines of, oh, what does he smell like? What house is Han Shake? I bet it's firm at first but with a hint of tenderness and intimacy. Would you say shaking hands with it was like shaking hands with a shaved bear, you know, strong but soft, like it could kill you, but it won't. Instead it's going Instead, it's

going to use it to strengthen to protect you. Would you say that? And if so, can you please say it on the record, please? Well, one of the final events he took part in before he left the Americas, Andy, was a polo match in Greenwich to benefit Lesotho AIDS orphans. That's got to be the first time polo match in Greenwich and Lesotho AIDS orphans. That's gotta be the first time polo match in Greditsch and Lasotho AIDS orphans have ever been used in the same sentence. And I frankly can't wait for his next visit Andy, when he takes part in Dan Tuckett's dressage for ringworm. Okay.

Were you playing in that polo match, John? I wasn't Andy, but mentally I was there hitting every ball, if they call it a ball. What do they call it, a rock? I don't know a Pesent what do they call it? I'm a did beginners hitting peasants heads around. I think didn't it with yeah, that's right with a pike Yeah, did you so you didn't hang out with the prince? I didn't you know I waited I left my phone on yeah Revent all the time the call but it didn't come real royalty and showbiz royalty That's right. Well,'d say that I've had a

bit more of a celebrity packed week than you this week, John, because, well, what a week I've had. I was visited by the ghost of Margaret Fatcher. Really? Yeah. I think she just wanted someone to talk to and she actually said that she wasn't that into haunting people. She said, did enough of that and my lifetime loved the right-wing apparition. You're not tempted to snatch some more milk off people's porches. Leave it out mush. I'm not a f***ing poltergeist. I start the former education minister. So I said, struggling for small talk with the eerie figure before me. What's it like being dead? So, right, she said, casually picking some

non-existent from under her now non-existent fingernails, not a lot to do in the food as shit she winged. So, I responded, what have you been up to since the big funeral? I'll mostly catch you up on some z's, she gossiped alarmingly conversationally, never slept much when I was alive. Bon Jovi has always been a big influence on Margaret Thatcher, she said ghostly, reveling in the freedom of death to refer to herself in the third person, like the heavyweight boxer she'd always dreamed of being. My political outlook might have been shaped by the likes of Salmahire and Kinky Friedman, but my sleeping patterns were all jovy. And your

attitude to the welfare state, I asked, what, living on a prayer, yep, to be honest, J.B.J. did filter into the odd policy here and there. Bad medicine was basically the blueprint for the NHS from 1984 onwards. But it only came out in 1988, I said, yeah, he sat on it for a bit. He wanted to see how the 87 election panned out before going global with it. There was an awkward pause. The ghost of Margaret Thatcher looked at me searchingly. What do you want, I asked? Why are you here? This is because you see me as a failure. Everything about my education says I should have been a lifelong acolyte of yours, and yet there I was a couple of weeks ago making some half-assed gag about how you meant to say, a unicorn, not society in your classic, there's no such thing as gag.

Is that why you've come to haunt my night so fearful dead former Prime Minister? No, she said belching quietly to herself. Old habits die hard. Then why are I begged? Is it because you're haunting Britain, household by household, trying to scare people out of thinking that the legacy you left behind was one of division selfishness and a harsh individualism that has spawned a nation drawn into itself and aware of the price of everything, but the value of nothing? No, she said, but now you mention it,

that is a good idea for filling up my now extremely empty diary for the next couple of decades. Why then, I pleaded with the rake like Tory? Why? Because I saw your piece on the snooker and I think you're a f***t. And a... Well I don't know what that was but I enjoyed it very much. So this is Buegel 235 not only the squad numbers of Henry VIII's wives who died, two and five picked up career ending, Nick Injury's three popped her own died, two and five picked up career ending neck injuries, three popter o'clock's, one and five were benched and six played on after the boss left the club. But two, three, five is also ironically. The answers to the questions in episode 235 of the

popular 1950s quiz show Mickey Mangos Half Hour Half Whits. And the questions were, what is the name of the thing in his mouth that President Eisenhower uses for chewing food? What is the English word for reef and where would I live if I was a bee in the answers? Reef high 235 but he contested as it went with CIA roof and Mexico, so there you go And this is The weep beginning months I've had a busy few weeks. I think it's just all comes, filling out. 79 years and two months on Monday, since Bernie,

Bertie Einstein publishes theory of relativity. And it's 98 years and two months since he gave the first draft to the publishers, which began, eight bananas is a lot of bananas. If you're reading them all at once yourself, but eight bananas is not a lot of bananas. If you're going to try and run a banana import export business, he published, he said, it's never going to sell, but physics is what the punters want these days really complicated physics. Einstein said, you said you just wanted me to write what I want to write and

you'd find a way of marketing it. Welcome to the industry, schmuck face. Now grow your hair out, get some funny glasses and get physics all. Can you bang my secretary on the way out please? They can't be asked to do it today. So Einstein locked himself in the laboratory for a year and boom, change the face of science, funny old world. Also 138 years since the signing of the Metre Convention in Paris, which brought in the international system of units, stuff like the metre, the centimetre, the millimetre, later the kilogram, and some of the all-time great measurements. And these replaced the various units that are previously used around the world by different

cultures and different countries, measurements of length, such as the mile, the inch, the fingernail, the nut, the scoop, the grizzly shoe, and the penis. Weight measurements, such as the hundred weight, the pound, the ounce, the inch, the fingernail, the nut, drop, the scoop, the grizzly shoe, and the penis. Weight measurements such as the hundred weight, the pound, the ounce, the wrap, the dead wrap, the decompose, wrap, the rat skeleton, the healthy stool and the whap. And time measurements such as the tip, the jiffy, the yaw, and the grandmother, the wobble, the punch, the slow lingering death and the erection. And that last one is why women's clothes actually became so much less revealing during the 19th century from the cleavage heaving corsetry of the 18th century to the neck clinging Queen Victoria style prudity of the late 19th century.

It was all down to this time measurement, the erection. So their menfolk would get extra time off work, after the old industrial revolution kicked in, prompting the development of a factory-based workforce and unions to represent them. Now union pressure led to factory bosses eventually conceding the all workers, we're entitled a bit more time off work. So they gave them a two erection break a day, which in the notoriously fleshy 1700s

would have been 10 minutes max, but incomes 19th century fashion, and that tooth stiffy break suddenly stretches out to a whole afternoon, until Florence Nightingale brings in the nurses uniform. Oh yeah! Andy, we haven't even technically started the fugal yet. Oh, you've already buried both of us under an avalanche of bullshit.

I haven't encountered the section in the bin, but yet. Oh my God! This week's section in the bin is a free compliment from the bugle for you to use at any point in the week, but when you feel you need a bit of a lift, do choose from. You look so much better than normal, that new perfume of yours really brings out your eyes. Your rash is looking so much better. Yeah, no I do really think so.

It's just much more symmetrical now, it's on your whole face, and you're so much nicer than that dickhead husband and all wife of yours, deletes as appropriate. That's free compliments on us in the bin. Top story this week Pakistan election update and this has been a dramatic few weeks for Pakistan, their recent election marked the country's first successful transition from one civilian government to another in its 66 year history. To put it mildly, Pakistan has had real trouble in the past with passing the relay baton of government effectively without either dropping it or having it shot out of their hands.

Historically, democratically-related Pakistani governments have tended to end in some form of military coup and or government collapse. Essentially, for decades now, politics in Pakistan has been a series of military regimes with a sprinkling of occasional democratically-related governments giving that delicate, barely perceptible fragrance of democracy. Even when there were governments, they were largely run by one of two parties, not that that makes them particularly different to the United States or Britain. The Boutos, Pakistan, People's Party, and the Sharif's Pakistan Muslim League.

So even when there were democratically elected governments, they tended to be from parties run by family dynasties, which means even their democracy had more than the faint whiff of monarchy about it. So again, as side-known Americans in no position to criticize them, giving the regularities of the name Bush, Clinton and Kennedy's over the years, coming up during presidential elections.

But in the past, essentially, as a Pakistani voter, your choice has essentially been military dictatorship, which is not a choice at all, or opting between two very profitable family businesses. It's basically like going to a restaurant and having the waiter say, let me run you through the menu. Would you like the shit pie or the tea bone shit? Or would you like me to just punch you in the face and throw you out the back of the kitchen instead?

I'll give you a minute to decide. Which is very different from our choice that we get. Of course. Let's go into a restaurant and be given a menu and having the complete freedom to choose between a rat's testicle bucket of sick and a chicken nugget which is basically the former dipped in the latter. What made this election special? On its surface, it promised to be different. There was

a new electoral role after the list of those eligible to vote was completely overhauled in Pakistan. Since the last election, 37 million bogus names were removed, names like a Fatima P. Fakie name, as a hero don't let me vote, Hassan Bogusman, Naveed Do Not Exist and Farouk Peter Beardsley. I'll just say how they didn't pick some of those up, at least Andy. I mean, it was right there. The point is 36 million names in place were then added. 37 actual authentic names, meaning there are now 85 million verified voters in Pakistan. Also, there was hope that technology might be helping electoral accountability, as Pakistanists used their mobile phones to film electoral abuses. In a recent bi-election apparently, one politician was filmed slapping the election officials

counting the vote. And the footage went viral, being played across news channels and prompting calls for the politician to be banned from holding office. Although, let's be fair Andy, let's not rush in judgement here. We don't have any context for that video. Perhaps the politician was slapping the official counting the vote because he thought they looked sleepy and were saying to them, wake up wake up it's very important that you count these votes accurately regardless of how the result may affect me wake the f*** up

I do not want to accidentally gain an unfair advantage through your mistakes that is why I'm beating you now that is why that is why you're being beaten. Do you understand me? Wake up! We don't know. That's all I'm saying. We don't know. We don't know, but it was the highest turnout since Pakistan's first election in 1970 around about 60%, which is quite impressive. Wow. And that's, you know, roughly what I guess I mean, I'm not too far away from what Britain and America get, and we have the added advantage of not having the Taliban threatening to kill us for walking to a public station, which is a fair point, I think the US managed 61.8% turn out at their last election, but they were not, as you mentioned, being shot at on the

ways of the polls. So it takes, you know, people risk their lives to cast their votes. Whereas I mean, we have to make sacrifices for Timok's in Britain. You know, some people, yeah, just can't, can't, can't find a way to make sacrifices such as walking five minutes out of their way to cast a vote. But I guess we all have to suffer for our freedoms. And there's added risk as well, you know, some drone operator in Texas spills his coffee on his keyboard and accidentally presses the kaboom but was cleaning off.

That's a lot added factor, I might just wait you from going to the polling station. That's true, that's true. The official pre-election monitoring actually came in for some significant criticism, despite the hope of things would change. With the election commission of Pakistan seeing to sleep on its job of oversight,

heavier than a security guard, after snacking on an entire turkey with codine stuffing, and washing it down with a warm glass of night-wheel. In the run-up to the election, instead of dealing with issues of corruption, loan defaults and fraud, the Election Commission seems to employ a bizarre line of questioning, such as asking candidates to recite verses from the Quran

and questioning other aspects of their faith. That does seem, Andy, like a slightly less important line of questioning regarding the problems that Pakistan is facing at the moment, questioning their religious beliefs, rather than questions like, where did you get all that money that is almost cartoonishly bulging out of your pockets? Apparently they suddenly began to enforce a couple of, basically forgotten articles in the Pakistani Constitution, article 62 and 63, which require that only pious and Laura-Bodying Muslims can hold office.

So all of a sudden, authorities were forcing candidates to prove their Islamic credentials to the point of even having them answer Islamic history trivia questions on television. And that is less democracy, Andy, and more some kind of bizarre Islamic game show of electoral jeopardy. I'll take the Prophet Muhammad Category please, Alex. Okay, and what would you like to gamble on this question? Oh, I'd like to gamble my future electability in its entirety, please. Okay, lights down, please. I am a cave in the mountain Jabal al-Nua, where Muhammad received his first revelation. What? H? Am I? What? H? Am I?

I know this, Alex. That's why I'm not annoyed with myself. I know this. Yeah, it's right. It's in my mouth. I just need to get it out of my mouth into your ears. Oh, shit. I'd like to announce my withdrawal from the race please Alex. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's so much easier at home. to be completely fair to the Commission, Andy. There were some other non-religious base questions that actually proved quite effective. Some to just ascertain general intelligence after it emerged that a ridiculously large number of college degrees held by Pakistani politicians in the last parliament were completely faked. On one pack of standing news? Yeah, well, it's what's wrong with Andes when it's faked to this extent.

On one Pakistani news channel, there was even a clip of a candidate who claimed to hold an MBA being asked just to spell the word economics, something he failed to do completely. That is a spectacular way to crash out of a race. Just spell the name of the degree that you're claim to have. That's all. Just spell the name of the subject. Just spell it. Just spell the subject that is printed on the degree that you definitely have and no more questions asked. Okay. Okay. Well, I just see how it... It's much more important with economics to concentrate on the big picture rather than, you know, the...

This is your passing ephemera like how you spell economics. I suppose... That's true. I suppose, in a way, do a Pakistan all they're developing is got your journalism of the worst kind now One of the main figures in the election campaign was Imran Khan who leads his movement for justice Party one of the greatest cricketers in the history of Humanities greatest creation cricket and a few Americans can accept that then that is that is your loss and your fault the most famous country in the world. The most famous country in the world. The most famous country in the world. The most famous country in the world.

The most famous country in the world. The most famous country in the world. The most famous country in the world. The most famous country in the world. The most famous country in the world. The most famous country in the world. The most famous country in the world. The most famous country in the world.

The most famous country in the world. The most famous country in the world. ludicrously rife, but he fractured his skull and vertebra, falling off a tiny platform being lifted up by a four-cliff truck to get him on stage. 15 feet up with absolutely no railings and four people balanced on it like clouds. That's right. Not the most obvious way to get on stage, even if you were probably the finest but fast-border in the world during a big chunk of the 1980s. That did not help him at that moment. Gravity took very much took over. The video is absolutely horrifying.

He sent up in the middle of a frantic crowd on, like you say, hydraulic lift onto which a ludicrous number of people are balancing all of whom then fall. He was apparently doing up to seven of these mass rallies a day until the inevitable incident. And then he continued to release videos from his hospital bed saying, and our quote, God will not take me from this world until a new Pakistan is built going on to say, oh, fuck my back hurts. Oh, I mean, it really hurts. Did you see that fall what was I thinking seriously my fucking back is killing me If you don't know Imran Khan, he was

If you know if you're not aware of he's about as handsome as he can possibly be without just instantly turning into a marble statue or becoming a walking men's fragrance billboard and He was he was the most exciting of the choices, really. He headed up the Pakistan Movement for Justice party, was very popular with young people and first-time voters. And he was going up against the more established candidates. First, there was President Sardaris, Pakistan People's Party, the PPP. It did very well in the last election in 2008 after its leader, Benazir Bouta, was assassinated.

This led to many political strategies around the world looking into the possibility of these sympathy-based elections running a candidate solely in the hope that they'll be assassinated and being handy the election in sympathy. Perhaps that's what the Republicans were trying with Mitt Romney, handy we don't know, or what McCain was trying to do with Pailin, run someone who a large amount of people might want to murder, and then serve the wave of sympathy that followed. The other main rival was the opposition party,

Pakistan Muslim League, of ex-Prominist Noa Az-Jareef, who was favorite to win. And unfortunately, in the run-up to the election, as you mentioned, on the election day itself, Pakistan was plagued with violence. And unfortunately, the run-up to the election, as you mentioned, on the election day itself, Pakistan was plagued with violence. More than a hundred people were killed in the run-up. Twenty-four people were killed on the actual election day, as Al Qaeda and Taliban militants

targeted leaders and workers from all parties, seen as being not Islamic enough, which, in their view, basically includes any politician who hasn't literally run a campaign commercial of them beating their wife or wearing perfume. But like I said, despite everything, Pakistan managed a decent turnout, although the PPP, the MQM and the A&P, all claim that they were unable to campaign normally as a result and argued that the failure of law enforcement agencies to ensure security as a case of pre-election vote rigging. But look, Andy, all of this is just background. Yeah. That we've gone through now. The key question here is not what happened in Pakistan. It's not, you know, what's the best way forward for Pakistan in the future. It's not what's

happened in Pakistan in the past to lead it to this point. It's not how do they cope with militants. Clearly, the most important question is, what does America want the result of this election to be? And to know that, we need to reduce this vastly complicated situation into who are the goodies and who are the baddies? Anything will detail the na'andy, just isn't going to fly. So independent observers argued before the election that a strong government led by Noah Sharif could be a major concern

for NATO forces fighting Taliban militants in Afghanistan. Sharif is close to right-wing religious forces in Pakistan who oppose US policy and he has an uneasy relationship with the Pakistani military which unseated him in a coup back in 1999. So that's the concern, Andy, that Nawaz Sharif would win. Who won? Dromro, Nawaz Sharif won, Andy. Sharif, he is now the most successful politician in Pakistan, short and explosive history. This is a politician who can take a punch and he's come back from multiple corruption allegations, imprisonment, exile and military coup. That is some tenacious election hearing. He has come from the young Sharif. A big political cheer on him. He was removed from power back in 1999 to the relief of much of the country, which viewed him as corrupt incompetence and power hungry.

But now he's changed, Andy. He's changed. He's different this time, like an abused wife, Packet Stan is taking it back as a friend stand around thinking, what do you see in him and then stand by to pick up the pieces yet again? It was a disastrous election for the ruling PPPU. Took an absolute welking at the polls where we're battered like a suicidal squid in a

tempura restaurant. And now what are the challenges facing now our sherry for the retakes power for his third stint as a prime minister, a columnist in the prominent dawn newspaper, so that what's now our sherry faster address is the faltering economy, a near complete breakdown of the infrastructure characterized by power outages and fuel shortages, unemployment and terrorist violence. So there's a nice little intro for starting a new job, something to be getting on with, something to pass on to your secretary for filing. My favorite quote from the election, he came from a Pakistan voter interviewed

by a BBC Pakistan's producer. This was a PPP supporter in Islamabad who said, every party in Pakistan is bad, but the people's party is a little bit good. It's worked hard for Pakistan. And that is, but I mean, that is some realism in somewhat, Andy. And he's not reaching too high.

Everyone's bad, but they are a little bit good. They're a cherry on the top of this shit Sunday. I think there might be the liberal devincrats campaign slogan in the next general election here. UK legal ad reform news now. And well, for start, even that title is slightly misleading, Andy, because legal aid in Britain is currently undergoing the kind of reform that a cow gets when it is reformed into a low-grade beef burger Or the kind of reform that a Spanish donkey experience is when it's thrown from a clock tower This is going to seem quite inside baseball this story, but the wider implications to this

are worth sticking with, because they are fucking amazing. The government in Britain is currently introducing price competitive tendering, which is a nauseating term for an even more nauseating process. It basically cuts the balls from legal aid and replaces them with two child slinkies, which sure, yes, they're technically a replacement, sure, yes they're technically a replacement Andy, but they're not going to do any of the vital things that balls actually do. Now this, like I say, this story is a little bit complicated, but it's worth sticking with, because when you finally get to the bottom of this,

you realise that you are standing in an absolute whirlpool of shit. Yeah, so price competitive tempering. I think it's political speak for flogging shit off and hoping things don't go more tits up than a causative audiophologist in a hot air balloon. And what's happened is a, as we went in last week, there's a prominent haulage firm, a lorry firm in this country called Eddie Stobart and a subsidiary of Eddie Stobart lawyers

as a murder as a leading contender in the bidding for this new generation of criminal legal aid contracts. That would basically deprive defendants of the right to choose their own solicitor. Stobart solicitors is the name, which is, the very name conjures up glorious images of lorry drivers doubling up as criminal lawyers, turning up at court with a copy of the sub-news paper under their arm saying to their client, mate, your picture is not paper, you're clearly guilty. But it's not quite like that. Stobarts, the solicitors are probably not that closely linked to the haulage firm, you hope, although you just never know these days and these days of privatisation of public services. And part of these proposals is to remove the right of

defendants funded by legal aid to select their own solicitor. So best of that with that crims, sorry, defendants, that is one of the problems with the whole issue. It's such a gray area. Maybe the government is trying to clear it up by lumping them all together under the no smoke without fire clause in the Magna Carta. Paul Harris, the president of the London Criminal Court Solicitor's Association, won the quality of legal representation would inevitably decline. How is anyone facing serious criminal allegations going to feel being represented by a haulage company, he asked? Well, they probably think it might be quite handy for an escape bit, I'd imagine, but they're able to drive it. And also, you know, they'll save my email to drive all the illegal

email. And we're going to straight to the court room and just scrape them off the bottom of the lorry. The thing is that that is a key question. How is anyone facing serious criminal aberrations going to feel being represented by a haulage company? They're going to feel, Andy, like an object with no value outside of a transaction. And that's exactly how they're supposed to feel under these plans. Under these plans, you are not a citizen with rights anymore. You're basically legal freight. You've got to be moved around with a pound sign next to your face. The Labour Party's Justice spokesperson, Sadie Khan, told the Law Society of Gazette, no one wants a second rate system where you're forced to accept whatever representation you're given regardless of quality.

And that is clearly an outright lie, John. Some people clearly do want that, and those people include the government of this country. Now, we receive the email from Bugler Alistair King, who's a solicitor in latent buzzard, the English town not far from Bedford, where you grew grew up when you were still English, John. And which gets its silly name, I think from the third baseman in the 1955 World Series winning Brooklyn Dodgers team. Late in the Bazaar, of course, went on to have a successful career with other baseball franchises, including the Nashville Weirdos, the Tulsa Convolters, the New York Forks, the El Paso Parsovers, the short-lived Jewish baseball franchise, the Charlotte Bronte Sorosis. And that was never going to work out,

having a franchise owned and run by someone obsessed by both paleontology and 19th century literature. And also concluded his career with the Sacramento fascists. Don't worry where it was, oh yeah, Alistair King's email from this, this solicitor, British solicitor, wrote to me on this, wrote to us on the subject, I'm a solicitor, he says, who provides such services, so I cannot as such claim to be neutral or lacking in any self-interest. In fact, I was go so far as to say

that I thought of losing my job and the same happening to over two thirds of my colleagues excites a fair amount of self-interest. So obviously, as he said himself, there's only one side of the issue. So I've asked the government to send a minister from the Ministry of Justice onto the bugle this week to explain their reforms from their side of the fence. Unfortunately, I asked them that

while I was sitting alone in my shed so I didn't hear or respond. So instead I've guessed how the government would respond to Alistair's comments. So he writes, the scheme proposed by the government is called Price Competitive Tendering. Now, to me, as a government minister, this sounds promising. John, price competitive tendering sounds like a recipe for some quality cost savings. It's so complicated to judge tenders on things like quality and long-term sustainability and overall benefit for society. Judging on price just simplifies everything down beautifully. This is the 21st century Alistair. We're in tough economic times and we have to take tough economic decisions and we have to take tough economic decisions

and we have to ask what do the disabled actually do? How much GDP do they give to this nation? Was Shakespeare disabled? Was Churchill disabled? Was Isaac Newton disabled? Sure as hair might have smelt of apples but other than that it was fine and if they have to travel further it might encourage them to be a bit less disabled in future. There are various other points on this that basically it concludes we are at real risk of destroying a legal system that although not perfect is the envy of the world and the model for many. And it is a bit of a concern John for a country which promotes its love of freedom and democracy and human rights so trumpitously that this has basically been lined

up against the wall and shot at point blank range. A few additional points are suggested to me by this hot chick who used to be a criminal barrister who I sleep with very occasionally. Don't tell the wife. Oh no, actually she is my wife. She's a staggering conflict of interest but basically become unworkably expensive to allow your client to pursue a trial. So clients will be pressurised to plead guilty in order to save money. It's almost incomprehensibly idiotic. This king, and the problem is that everyone hates lawyers basically, so it's kind of an easy target for government cuts and lawyers are all lumped together. The ones who represent the poor and destitute in their hours of greatest need and darkness. Lump together with a one to represent multi-billion pound corporations with a severe allergy to tax.

All bloody lawyers making a killing. It's all pretty depressing, John. Make you think, what the f*** is this country all about? The measures have been introduced by MP Chris Grayling, and you can't say the words Chris Grayling Andy without saying the words f***. Knockers the letters of the same just because it's an innate human response to the concept of the man. And these measures were contained in a document quietly released on the day of Margaret Thatch's death and do not require a vote in Parliament, which is such a shady way of putting them in, Andy, that if he had any integrity-growing, he'd have done it wearing a cape and twirling

a handlebar mustache. Basically, the British government is looking for a way to reduce the two billion pounds that is spent on legal aid. Ideally, by a couple of hundred million pounds, and to do this, the plan is to introduce factory justice of the flimsy as kind. Essentially, as you mentioned,

any defendant who cannot afford to pay for lawyers will no longer be able to choose a legal aid provider. They will be forcibly assigned one and these legal experts will then be paid a single flat fee for the case, regardless of how well they perform it, how long the case takes, or whether or not the client pleads guilty, which seems at first, second, and ninety-nice glance to offer a clear financial incentive to the lawyer to have their client plead guilty. These new factory firms, Andy, will apply for new legal aid contracts,

and qualifying bids must be at least 17.5% beneath the current rate. So from there, in general, contracts will go to those who offer to do the work for the lowest price, which I'm sure the lowest price has always offered the highest surface at 70%. We know that. They're not just going to be cutting corners on this.

They're going to be psychotically attacking corners with a fucking chain saw. In order to guarantee winning firms receive a sufficient number of cases per year, the Ministry of Justice in Britain is proposing to remove the right of defendants to select their own solicitor. In other words, even if you think the lawyer that you've been assigned is terrible, you can't fire them, you're just stuck with them. And if that isn't bad enough, which it comfortably is, I mean, it's bad enough by a long shot, then firms apparently aren't going to know whether they've won these contracts until June, if next year, giving them a massive three months in which to recruit staff and prepare to start work in September 2014. You do not want to have committed a crime by September

2014, Andy. Or it even worse be accused of committing a crime that you did not commit. Bad timing on your part, that would be. And as you say, and lawyers are not the most sympathetic characters, which is how you know that these suggestions are truly horrifying. Because if a story is making you feel bad for lawyers, that story must be pretty astonishingly f***ing bleak. Michael Turner, QC, the chair of the Criminal Bar Association, said that the criminal bar will become the preserve of rich white males corporate Firmish will move in and barristers will eventually work in house the independent minded judiciary will disappear as a corporate ethos takes over to which the government

Response was oh, this all seems to be going exactly according to plan and how much is this going to save the government John all these He's cutbacks to our great legal tradition the government general these cutbacks to our great legal tradition, £220 million a year, which will pay for the upkeep of our Trident Nuclear Bang Bang program for one month. So that's worth every single penny. Well, as you mentioned, the firm's involved in even more worrying. It does seem like this hall is firm. This f***ing hall is firm. It's likely to win a significant bid in this Hoolage for you're literally going to be treated like a crate that needs to be moved What more confidence can you have in your lawyer the knowing that they come from a

Hoolage for a Hoolage firm, Andy It's a successful Hoolage firm John. I'm sure there's transferable skills They've been putting things in boxes and putting them in the back of a lorry and putting defendants in boxes and putting them in the back of a prison. No, it's not that difficult. If you look at it that way, it isn't. If you look in a different way, it definitely is. This whole is fairly complicated. I've been getting emails from angry lawyers telling them to truck off.

I wonder if those will follow up by other messages essentially saying seriously go truck yourselves you trucking ashamed of a bunch of money grabbing mother truckers this guy this guy as you mentioned Trevor Howarth the the spokesman for the new Stowebart lawyers firm he tried to reassure people who are concerned that a haulage firm is taking over the legal services of some of the most vulnerable citizens of the UK saying, we can deliver the service at a cost that's palatable to the taxpayer. Our business model was developed with this in mind.

We at StoBart Hallage are well known for taking out the waste and the waste here is the duplication of solicitors going to the courtroom. At the moment there are 1600 legal aid firms in future, there will be 400. At Stobart we wouldn't use 10 trucks to deliver one product. Okay, stop describing everything in terms of trucking. That's making me more nervous about this, not less. He said, I don't think the lack of choices damaging. People are not entitled to access justice with an open check.

No one is stopping them paying for their own choice of solicitor. And I guess he's right in a way, Andy. It's really providing an incentive to people this. If you're going to be a criminal, work hard enough to be the best criminal you can be and make enough money to afford proper representation for their future. And if you're not going to be a criminal, Andy, you need to work even harder to make money, to find a way to make enough money in the future, to get a decent lawyer in case you're

ever mistaken for a criminal. It's entirely possible, Andy, that you're a lot of people now might be forced to turn to a life of crime, just in case they're ever mistaken for a criminal in the future. A spokesman for the Ministry of Justice tried desperately to reassure panics people saying quality assured lawyers will still be available. Quality standards will be assessed as part of the tender process and we will ensure that they are maintained by the lawyers who win contracts. We will continue to uphold everyone's right to a fair trial. But with £1 billion a year spent on criminal legal aid, we have to look again at how to deliver better value for every penny of tax pay's money spent.

And that sounds reasonable, Andy, but I'll tell you where the spokesman lost me there, Andy. It was at the... We will continue to uphold everyone's right to a fair trial, but I'll tell you where the spokesman lost me there Andy It was at the we will continue to uphold everyone's right to a fair trial but Only acceptable thing to come after saying we will continue to uphold everyone's right to a fair trial is a full stop Andy or if spoken aloud the dropping of a microphone and the walking off the stage the moment the word but Comes out of anyone's mouth after spewing a sentence like that, they should instantly be put into handcuffs. May I remind that spokesperson Mandy of the words, to no man shall we deny justice.

That's not from inside a Chinese fortune cookie. That's not written on a toilet wall. That's from the Magna f***ing Carter. And by throwing the word but in, at the end of of a sentence about justice, you are basically winding the magnet cart around a toilet roll, plating in a public restroom and just letting nature take its diabolical course. Your emails now and this one comes in from Christy Joy. Dear John Andy and Chris, in order of those most likely to be on my boobs

That's the you know, it's the kind of email we don't have enough of on this show Routed again and they just be careful what you wish I bracket's like the undoubted other millions of other viewers was intrigued by a mention of merch excited Lin with a slight tinge of disbelief. I typed in the website Treated by a mention of merch, excited to live with a slight tinge of disbelief, I typed in the website. Though it took me a good five minutes to locate the link on your homepage. You really want people to work for it. Yeah, that might need to be addressed. I find that you've achieved the golden nirvana and happy state of glazed amazement.

I ogled the goods. I pictured myself buying the t-shirts. I pictured myself wearing the t-shirts. After a long, slightly tearful moment, I realised that when wearing said t-shirts, I would basically have John on one boob and Andy on the other. Furthermore, giving the physician their faces on the t-shirt, they would be in prime nuzzling or motorboating territory. Oh no! Oh no! There's a huge design floor, Andy. The difference depending on my level of exertion. I contemplated it further. How did I feel

about this? I wasn't sure. I couldated it further. How did I feel about this? I wasn't sure. I could potentially name my boobs John and Andy individually and together they could be known as the d-don't do that. If anyone asked about the t-shirt, explanations would be minimal. My husband whose name is Chris, it has been known to make forays into that area. You're sharing too much, Chris! If he did so while I was wearing the t-shirt, he would have said it could be fondling John and Andy in the face with gliss sexual intent. What does that mean? What do you mean anything? Do you want Christy fondly you,

sexually? Does Christ want to? I don't know. Do you? Questions have been asked. Questions that I feel need answers. Yours, in pure inquiry, or curiosity, Christy from Texas. Well outside of the merch we just simply did not consider. And I thought the league laid story was confusing. So I guess I can only advise that just to minimize any risk of excessive eroticism from your bugle merch you wear it on top of at least six layers of other clothing I will go over on talking about Pakistan and the law so that's it for the emails this week and this glorious week for British justice do keep your

emails coming into info at the bugleelpodcast.com and don't just forget to check our SoundCloud page, SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen bugle and I'll try and sort out the link to the merch page on the website so it's a permanent thing. And don't forget to take out your voluntary subscriptions at thebugelpodcast.com. Until next week, stay out of trouble buglers, you need to get get you really need to get in practice of that and What is gonna become the spiritual home of the miscarriage of justice? If you are a British bugle until next week from me in London goodbye Bye Stumbled across a fearsome beast.