The Bugle - Bugle 236 – Tennis racquet marries guinea pig

Episode Date: May 24, 2013

Society set to force appliances and pets to marry. Plus, food news – get a sick bag. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, Bugleos! And welcome to issue 236 of the Bugle for the week beginning Monday, the 26th of May, 2013, the newscast that D'Artagnan's the sort of truth to carve the character of confusion into the decorative plate-adornment garnish of definitive political analysis. With me, Andy Zoltzman, still the proud owner of an O&O record in the professional cage fighting circuit. No one seems to want to piece of me read into that what you will. I'm live in London, and in New York City, we're in just a couple of weeks' time, he will temporarily take over from John Stewart, the sacred

task of destroying everything America holds dear. The man with a hat on from Manhattan, it's the guy who might not be able to get turkeys to vote for Christmas, but could at least get him discussing the issue properly with a trace of objectivity. It's the human hot radish, pecan, a cervic, helping to cut through the fat, can really spice things up when he's got a beef with something. Uns suitable for children in appropriate at most meal times and to be taken in moderation. It's John Oliver. Wow. Wow. Hello Andy. Hello, Bueglis. Thank you for reminding me that I'm taking over just a couple of weeks. I think that 70 years is my stomach flippin back over again. So we're taking a week off.

Can it be to read an auto-cute, John. It can't be that hard. Unfortunately, it's everything that becomes before that reading. That's a problem. We're taking a week off next week. So this will be my last chance to point out for those bugles who may be in New York on the third, fourth, and fifth of June. If you're interested, I'm gonna be doing another series

of my stand-up show. The week before I take up the Daily Show, basically, it's your, there's almost no way of me getting out of the month of June without having some formal heart attack. Anyway, if you glistening to come along, you're more than welcome. You can get tickets at the BlacklistNYC.com for the low, low price of absolutely nothing whatsoever. Other than, of course, stealing an evening of your lifetime. You can never get back precious time, you can never claw back even when you feel you need it the most. And when you factor that in Andy, the tickets are of course priceless, I think you shouldn't come, don't come, do

something important with your life. Yeah, instead you can come and see my gigs in Norway. And so there you go. Are you in a burguntron time and also that's this coming week so you better be. It's classic Viking tour and that's right. Yeah, starting on Wednesday, I think I can't remember the burguntron time and then Thursday in whichever one wasn't Wednesday and then two dates in Oslo for our day and sadly. That sounds like a nicely confusing tour to you shit. Yeah, and I've got some dates at the other belly and London as well, since you asked,

coming up in June and July, but I can't remember the dates of them. I'll keep them up my sleeve. It's all on the website. Man, we are really getting the hang of this promotion. Yeah, well that was the hard sell. And I tell you what, I'm guessing most buglers have just turned off,

because I think I just did. Yeah, all right. Well, this is the week beginning Monday, the 26th of May 2013, which means it's 105 years to the day, since the first major oil strike in the Middle East, that is 105 years of happiness for the lucky people who live there, and have all benefited so hardmoniously from the bounty's gift of their land. Also, 75 years since the House Un-American Activities Committee began its first session in 1938, and amongst the activities considered an Un-American Activities Committee began its first session in 1938.

Amongst the activities considered, the Un-American in 1938 were being a vampire. That was considered a very European. Drinking on pasta, I snake milk, Canadian. Talking about French classical music, French playing cricket, anyway civilized, being a massive communist, bit Russian, and making animated movies featuring realistic looking women. That was that was viewed as kind of Czechoslovakian. And it's also exactly 310 years since the

diarist Samuel Peeps died and his actually they've just uncovered because they thought he quit the diary right in gaming 1669 because of failing eyesight but they just found on a British library a volume from later in his life that will found on the back of it, in fact, I found on the back of a sofa in a bed sitting clap. That's lucky. Which suggests that the peep track should be carried on writing until minutes before his death.

In fact, the final entry is this. I'm 70 years old. I'm fucking bored. London hasn't burnt down for 37 years now. I've tried on all the weeks of Mancan try in a lifetime and I still look silly at them all. So I've decided to take up a new hobby to keep my mind and body active. Base jumping. I've made a parachute out of Mrs Groginger's spare bloomers and I'm off the Westminster Abbey to teach this so-called gravity that that dickhead

Newton keeps baying on about. A lesson it will not forget. Chocks away. I tell you what Andy, we might have lost buglers with the hard sell stuff. We've definitely gone back with a Samuel Peef's reference. I can't beat a bit of the old Peefster. Come on Peef Pee! And London has barely changed actually, since if you read it backwards.

A section in the bin, this week as always, a section of the Google is going straight in the bin, this week a gardening section. How to stop weeds the environmentally friendly way with threats of pain, death and eternal hell, with the Catholic Church's new, inquisitive or weed-killing micro-priest, just plant your inquisitive or in your flower bed, and it will declaim terrifying promises of damnation that are sure to get your plans to behave. We also review the latest garden furniture, including the barbecue that must have for all barbecues fans of barbecue modelled on the world's most famous barbers,

choose from the actresses Hershey or Windsor or the former First Lady Bush, Burn those cursed democratic sausages in the flames of righteousness. Also, no more running hammock, how to control your kids in the garden with this fun yet inescapable, secure ham-ok, which traps you unsuspecting offspring in a safe spiders web style, spiders web, and the lazy, sous-lawn have your lawn rotate around you as you stand still with your lawnmower, saving you time and hassle. All that reviewed in the bin this week. Top Story this week, Rainbow Roundup, it's Gugugugainews!

Bigger Triandy in all its forms is by its nature inherently ludicrous, but homophobia seems to bring out an extra spicy level of distilled insanity, and it has been a race to the bottom of the barrel this week in terms of fear mongering of the most fabulous kind. First on our homophobic hike, in Britain, a man called Lord Norman Tebbet gave a spectacular interview. Now, if you don't know who Norman Tebbet is, first off, congratulations.

You must have lived such a wonderful life up to this point. What has shown that that's all about to change? Norman Tebbit is a man who is the personification of everything that is wrong with the UK's law chip system. Because if he can be elevated to the title of Lord and have that title be given to him in a non-sarcastic manner something is tremendously wrong with Britain. He looks exactly what you think a man called Norman

Teppet would look like. Do an experiment now. Actually what you think Norman Teppet looks like immediately. Now Google his name, click on images, see you're completely right. Here, Teppet gave an interview to the big issue in Britain which was immediately surprising as it's a paper which was created to give homeless people the chance to earn a legitimate income and I believe the only legitimate income that Norman Tevd believes homeless people are good for is working as logs on his farm. Anyway, the only way this interview makes sense is if you were completely wasted or is recovering from a huge

concussion or both because otherwise it seems like he permanently checked it to the hotel crazy town. Now I realize I think I'm giving this three of those things actually. I realize I'm giving this quite a big build up but Tevin is about to deliver on writing checks that he's about to over cash. He went on a rant about Prime Minister David Cameron's intent to plow ahead with legalizing gay marriage, saying that it opened up the possibility of a lesbian queen giving birth to a future monarch by artificial insemination. Let me just give you his exact quote, because you're probably thinking, uh, no way. There is no f***ing way he said that. He said and

brace yourself. When we have a queen who is a lesbian and she marries another lady, I then decide that she would like to have a child and someone donates sperm and she gives birth to a child. Is that child heir to the throne? Andy. Yep. I would like to spend just a moment inside Norman Teppet's head, just to see what the world looks like from in there. And then I'd like to get out as quickly as possible.

I'd basically like to bungee jump into his mind, dip my head in there, and then get the f*** out. I think it's mostly just little people riding around on bicycles. But I mean, this is the ultimate... I think you're being harsh on him, John. I think this is like a classic philosophical quandary. You know, when we have a quing, who's a lesbian and she marries another lady,

they decide to have a child with donated sperm, is that child heir to the throne. That's a philosophical quandary to set alongside things like Schrodinger's cat, which I think was, if you have a cat and it gets a bit mind-sy, but is otherwise fine, whilst next door's cat has kidney, liver and bowel problems, but has nice fur. So you kid that next door's cat has kidney, liver, and bowel problems, but has nice fur.

So you kidnap next door's cat, do a full body fur transplant. So your basically healthy cat gets a lovely new coat. Is your cat still the same cat? It's, or Ockham's razor, which was Ockham. It's very famous for the softwa, I'm a bit rusty on this, it's been a while since I did any philosophy. But I think it was, Ockham has a beard

and suffers a cranial injury that impairs his mental faculties. He goes out to try and buy a razor but ends up in a pet shop buying an iguana which he then teaches to graze the beard off his face and that he keeps in a jar by his basin. Is the iguana a razor or not? It's very much alongside those great philosophical and pondribles But it does also suggest them John that young wise he speculating on whether or not there is going to be a lesbian queen And I think the reason is he has inside information on Prince William and and Kate Middleton's imminent baby

Because clearly I mean they've probably had they must have had scans done on it They must know what's coming out and clearly Te, Tebby's got some inside of political gossip that has shown that the royal photo-tina is, in fact, a lesbian. Now, I'm sure William and Kate work, minusing pretty modern and well-adjusted, but it is a constitutional Pavlova job. What are we gonna do in this country

with our new lesbian baby queen? Well, the amazing thing is, Norma Tebby did not stop there in the interview and he could have done happily, no matter how. He's probably already to just stop their dictaphone, throw out of the window and say, thanks Norma, you've already given me more than enough.

But he didn't stop there. Because he's apparently of the opinion that legalizing gay marriage could also lead to people marrying members of their own family to avoid inheritance tax. Again, you're probably thinking, no way. This time, that's definitely bullshit. He did not say that. And adults did not say that. Well, strapping, because he said, and I quote, it would lift my worries about inheritance tax, because maybe I'd be allowed to marry my son. Why not? Why shouldn't

a mother marry her daughter? Why shouldn't two elderly sisters living together marry each other? Now Andy, I mean like you, I don't want to come across as an armchair psychologist here but I think Norman Tebbet is sexually attracted to members of his own family. There's just no other explanation for why else that thought would pop into his head. That's what happens when someone sticks Lord at the front of your name I think. Why else that thought would pop into his head? That's what happens when someone sticks Lord at the front of your name, I think. But, of course, some of his concern

is a perfectly understandable concern, but it is covered by existing laws on incest and big and large, which have been fairly rigorously applied, give or take the odd thousand years of royal interbreeding. But it would make also, I mean, just logistically, that would be an extremely awkward wedding, and you would have to really, want that in Errerton's text I don't know, in some very awkward family situations

Ain't it darling? Yes, Nigel darling You know how we've been happily married for over 50 years Yes, love blissfully happily wedded in it. You know the best years of your life Yeah, I suppose so Nigel sure In which time my magic seed has brought forth the fruit of your womb I like to think of them as betul or Nigel, sure, in which time my magic seed has brought forth the fruit of your womb. I like to think of them as particular and Nigel Jr. Yes, those are the ones love, I've never been very good with names. So what about those 50 years of happy marriage Nigel, I want to divorce? Oh, that's a shame love. Yeah, it is rather after everything we've been through. Yeah, is there someone else? There's no easy way to say this, but yes, there is someone

else. Is it someone I know? It usually is but yes, there is, there is someone else. Is it someone I know? It usually is. Just tell me Nigel, it's the not knowing that's the worst part. He's up here, you've only not known for about 10 seconds. It's more like 20. Just be honest with me, Nigel. Surely that's the least I deserve after 50, more than 50 years of beautiful wedlock. I kind of counted on him spending our last few years together as we suffer the long, slow slide into the welcoming chasm of nothingness that is death. Oh fair point love, it is someone you know. Oh it's not old Agatha, there is it, I've had my suspicions about you, to ever since you had your new bags fitted at the same hospital. No it's not Agatha. It's an Ethel who's eighth husband

Bernard sadly passed away, suddenly last Christmas after his 90th birthday, treat Bob sled run went tragically wrong. No it's not life insurance Ethel, no. Is it one of the Kardashians? No I've only met them on the telly. Well, you seem to spend a lot of time with them. It's technically a very well-made showy, need. Well, who is it, Nigel? Yes. Yes, what? Yes, it is Nigel. Oh no, you're having one of your episodes again. I know you're Nigel. You don't need to tell me. No, no, I meant the other person. It's Nigel, Jr. Our son. What, you're divorcing

me to marry our son? Oh, how can I be so blind? You've been spending a lot of time together over the last 47 years. NUIT! At least, as long as you don't give it the whole, it's not, you it's me, stick. Well, it's not you or me. It's inheritance tax. You're prepared to tear this family apart for the purpose of saying a few quill on inheritance tax. Yes, bottom line needed, bottom line, and presence we really need some new plates. Yes Nigel, we do need some new plates. That's because there's a time and a place for practicing your discus throwing and clearing the table after dinner. It's not it! You never encourage me, E-Nid. I bet Mrs Zalesni didn't mind Yand chugging his knives and forks into the dishwasher.

Well I bet she did, and I bet Mrs Fosbury also might have heard Dick landing splatter on top of her and they're unnecessarily high bunk bed every night as well and Mrs Fanger was not at all comfortable with her one man well insisting on doing a school run. Come on, he did, he got them there on time every day, in fact early usually. And I know for a fact that Mrs Parma got heartily sick of her Arnold helping out whenever she unpacked the shopping by insisting that he was allowed to put the satsoon was in the fruit bowl that he kept 350 yards away down the bottom of the garden round a tricky left to ride dog leg And that's what makes it's hoken. Well, I don't know how many times yet to tell her hook to go easy on the good night hugs for their little ones No, it's always negatives with you. He need isn't it. What are we talking about again?

I'm marrying Nigel Julia for tax purposes. Oh, I love weddings. Can I be a bride's maid? No, actually, I thought maybe you could marry Pichula at the same time. Oh, I love weddings. Can I be a bride's maid? No, actually, I thought maybe you could marry Petruder at the same time. Oh, I love weddings. Well, you'll be my best man. I'm 84. Andy, you didn't just run a joke. You're wrong to play. Ha, ha, ha.

I think that is an insight into the Tebbit family, though, there was a documentary a few years ago about the genetic background of like 10 English celebrities. And Norman Tebbit was one of the people and everyone there was astonished like you know your part Asian and your part sub-Saharan African except Tebbit who was the only person who was 100% British. That is, the amazing thing for a British person is that Norman Tebbit and he is like hatred nostalgia. My whole childhood he was there. Inspiring victory often the British public

is one of the top faces in the Conservative government. And when you see him now, you get that warm, recognizable feeling of boiling your stomach as you see his stupid face. It wasn't even just the gaze that he turned his eye on. He also blasted David Cameron's entire ministerial team claiming that they've f**ked things up. The thing is, what you need to understand is this is not out of character at all this. This is a man who, back in 2010,

and I swear to you this is true, got into a fight with a Chinese New Year dragon. It's true, he was 78 at the time and he claimed that he was new to the area, was not aware of the tradition and had been startled by the noise. One witness said that he ran, he saw an old man run a hundred yards down the road, grab one of the drums that was being hit and then kicked the backside of the dragon, not realising that inside the dragon, while there was an adult at the front, there was a child at the back. He kicked a child in a dragon costume, and went questioning about it.

Norma Tebbi said, I was barged by the dragon. I barged it back and might have done something like kick it. I wasn't sure how to deal with it. I've never been barged by a dragon before. And when asked whether he had anything to say to the child he kicked, he replied, and I swear this is true. He should get himself promoted to the front of the dragon.

He's Norman Teppet Andy, was the reason that Britain used to rule the world. That level of unabashed confidence, and it's worth remembering that when we rule the world, we were f**king assholes. Well, he was famously outspoken, as you say, through the 1980s when we were growing up, perth, famously with his on your bike, quote, suggesting that people should stop complaining about not having jobs and get on their bikes to find a job which would have been fine if his government hadn't been so busy stealing everyone's bicycle and crushing them down for scrap

so as you said T, he had a pop-up Cameron and accused Downing Street of forcing this game marriage legislation through with very little thought he said the government discussed it for 20 minutes on the morning of its announcement. They'd done no work on it beforehand. And you have to say, well, well done to the government, because this is not the kind of thing that requires a lot of thought, because when you decide whether or not to legalize game marriage, I guess what you would think, being a government in Britain was a, it's 2013, b, it's Britain and we like to bang on about how great freedom of quality and shit like that are. And see, it makes absolutely no f***ing difference to anyone else who isn't directly affected by it.

Yes, done! I'm surprised it took them as long as 20 minutes, John. I guess the concern is, you know, where will it end, John? Because, you know, it's just one small step from the EU forcing the Queen to become a lesbian. And not just dabble with it, John, actually become a fully poked up lesbian and then be impregnated with the splurms of a guy icon such as Elton John. And is that a kind of Britain you want to live in? But you take Teppits concerned, about those original concerns about a lesbian queen giving birth to the heir to the throne by artificial insemination from a random test tube of a non-isperm.

You have to ask, would that be more or less ridiculous than the current system of monarchy that we have anyway? In which an 87-year-old woman prances around her special clothes with hats that werethienough to solve global poverty, which has been stuck in the same job for over 60 years, way beyond state retirement age, despite being allegedly a public sector worker, whose face is plastered all over our currency, even though she actually has no constitutional power and basically can't do anything more politically active than wave and frown, because it turns out Armonic's Wences was previously thought chosen by God, or maybe God just got bored of choosing Armonic's.

I don't know. And whose successful avoidance of death we marked a couple of years ago by sticking her on a golden-crusted boat and shoving her down a river. And who only became Queen because her uncle fell in love with the wrong woman, and therefore, because she was married or divorced, had to quit his job. I mean, you never get that through Brussels these days. And anyway, whose family were only in place

because of a parliament act in 1701 that banned Catholics from the throne because they believed in the wrong brand of Jesus, meaning that a German guy who would have been about 50th in line to the throne, became king despite not being able to speak English and despite the fact that he's locked his wife and a castle for the rest of her life after she'd allegedly had an affair and then hacked her lover to pieces. It would have been anywhere to form that system.

God save our candy, that's a beautiful retelling of the British history which makes complete sense. I didn't know that about George I until doing the factual background for that joke. He locked his wife in a castle for 30 years and allegedly hacked her lover to pieces. That is the kind of decisive, I guess that does put him pretty much in the Henry VIII School of How to Wendell Relationship. Yeah, closure, Andy. He just wanted closure. B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B- On Norman Tebbet seems to suggest that Britain is going to be a little more difficult to get a gay marriage through than is ideal.

France recently passed gay marriage with it actually becoming law last Saturday and your initial thought to the news of that is, yeah, of course they did. They're France. You know, even their capital city is called gay paris. Why did it take them so long? But it's been a depressingly controversial decision. In France, one right-wing MP there claimed that the government was killing children By allowing same-sex married couples to adopt. I don't know how that kills the children

Frankly, Andy unless the MP was concerned that gay couples might boil their new children down into some kind of gay soup I don't know, but which probably might my explanation makes exactly as much sense as whatever his explanation was. I mean that is possible. The thing with, because, you know, gays don't have the gene for parenting, do they? Right, I mean, I get that. I get a child, I probably think that that could be a vegetable, maybe a little boy. Yeah. Well, another French senator said gay marriage would pave the way for people to be able to marry animals or objects, which is just, it's a classic anti-Same-sex marriage argument, Andy. Well, at the end, do you really want people marrying toasters or pigeons?

Because that's what's going to happen. I will not attend the marriage between a tennis racket and a guinea pig. I won't do it. However nicely the invitation is. All these protests in France came to a head this week when a far-right essayist called Dominique Venet Schott himself in Notre Dame Cathedral, after writing in a blog that more radical action was needed to stop gay marriage happening. Marine Le Pen, the head of the far-right France national in France and record-breaking bitch. At 20.

At 20. At 20. Tited her respect for Venet, and said his death was an eminently political gesture. Well, I have a few thoughts on Dominique Funeur's action, Andy. One, this does not seem like a huge loss to the human race. Two, if he was going to do something this stupid, at least he only killed himself,

it's probably the most preferable kind of extremist act. And three, he was 78. And I don't think that makes this a particularly bold act. The average life expectancy of France is 81. Do this in your 30s and you're actually giving something up. Right now, all Dominique has done is saved France another three years of his relentless ass hole arrest. Okay.

Gai Blame news now. And what Gai's are often blamed for natural disasters. Well, I know, Sandy. I don't know why that is. Whether it's their rhythmic dancing causes earthquake, sort of their constant gossiping causes hurricanes. I don't know, but there's a history of these attempted

explanations. In 2012, a chaplain called John McTernan linked hurricane Sandy and a number of other natural disasters on LGBT people and President Obama's backing of gay marriage equality, which, you know, it makes complete sense if you don't think about it at all. He also linked Hurricane Isaac with the LGBT community, pointing out the fact, Andy, the fact that the storm coincided with New Orleans gay Marty Grah. Coincidence, Andy? Yes, obviously, yes. On his website, this guy, McTowne and

Chaplin McTowne, claims to have a BS from Virginia Commonwealth University. And I'm guessing that BS stands for Bullshit, Andy, and that he has a doctorate in it. And I'm guessing that BS stands for a bullshit, and he has a doctorate in it. There's a prominent member of the notorious Westborough Baptist church. Fred Phelps, Jr. the son of the church's minister, Fred Phelps, senior, I guess. Tweeter that the Oklahoma tornado was due to gods being cross at the local team supports for its openly gay basketball

star Jason Collins. And he finished his tweets with a number of hashtags that were particularly offensive. And also you do the math. So basically Oklahoma supports a gay baseball player, God then sends his tornado that you do the math. Well, I have done the math. And the math suggests that there is no direct statistical correlation between homosexual basketball players and natural disasters. I'm a bit rusty on advanced calculus, I'll give you that. But I'm in Fair Play to Phelps Jr.,

if he's worked out somehow that basketball plus homosexual equals the death of innocent people, then either Fair Play, you're a far better better mathematician than I or buy a new fucking calculator I think you might have spent some jam on it. Well is it think me you're always reluctant to give Westbrook Baptist Church the oxygen of publicity that they seem to so crave. I mean I guess the broader point is if you are a member of the Westboro Baptist Church, you are officially a paid up member of the **** club.

And I'm glad Andy that the word still retains its ability to shock, mainly because it means it still carries some weight when you use it accurately to describe these total **** for K-nose. Well, so just for volcanoes, recent archaeological research has shown on the Indonesian island of Krakatoa, which, obviously, one of the biggest volcanic eruptions in history in the 1890s, they've found the remnants of at least 40 gay nightclubs from just before.

Oh, ****. Yeah. Oh, God, it's hard to argue with that. And you know, look at Pompeii, when I've those guys with a total pervert. Total pervert. Oh, I mean, when you put it like that, it still doesn't really make any sense. Food glorious food food of the future news now and well great news Andy the UN has solved world hunger yeah in a done it oh it's just one tiny barely visible catch it's solved it in potentially the most unappetizing way imagine how well let me put it this way. You know that thing that you just stamped on with your foot when it crawled across the floor? Eat it! Because you better get used to the taste of it! It's what we're all going to be eating in the future. Essentially, a new

UN report has revealed that eating more insects could dramatically help fight world hunger. And you know, there's already a precedent for this working right now, over 2 billion of the world's population already include insects in their diet, and apparently insect farming could be one of the ways to address food and feed security. That's what the UN report says. Now, for a start, Andy, I love the idea of an insect farm. I want to say, I love it., I mean it makes my skin crawl. Although to be fair, insect farm as a term is basically directly interchangeable with New York City.

This might actually, this report might solve New York's budget problem in a single heartbeat because New York now holds spectacularly large resources of the world's next food stuff. No longer is this the filthiest city on Earth, Andy. Now it's instantly transformed into a sustainable free-range gourmet cockroach farm. What for dinner tonight, sweetheart? I don't know, honey. Let's see what we've got behind the fridge. In fact, Mayor Boomburg, Andy here, he should include this in New York's next

tourist commercial. Are you hungry? Looking for a high protein low fat snack? Why not just come to New York City and cycle down second avenue with your mouth both? But I mean I'm not at all happy about this John because I like my food and there's no way I'm prepared to eat insects. The mashed up connective tissue of pigs. Yeah, happy with that. The livers of birds that basically amount to aerial vermin. Yeah, the hactor pieces corpse of a mechanically slaughtered baby cow. Absolutely insects. Never. Unless they're basically insects that live in the sea in which case, oh yeah, give me a bit of my nose and let me rip its head off. I need

to hold stomach included in one go. I don't care if it's dead eyes are staring at me and if it was waving at me from a bucket 10 minutes ago. Yum! The report argues that wasps, beetles and other insects are currently underutilised as food for people and livestock. Insect farming is, they say, one of the many ways to address food security. They're particularly important as a food supplement for undernourished children. Insects are everywhere and they reproduce quickly, the report says, and they have a round little bastards. Yeah, and they have lovely chip in them. And they have a high growth and feed conversion rate and a low environmental footprint.

It states that nutritionally, you can get just as much protein from a meal of crickets than a meal of meat. And it goes on to say that the key obstacle in Western countries to insect as a food stuff will be consumer disgust. Now, here's the thing Andy, that seems like a pretty big fucking obstacle to have

people disgusted by something. You've got to be a pretty amazing salesman to overcome inherent revulsion. What can I do to put you in this new brand new Chevy Volt today? It's okay, I can wait for your gag reflex to stop. Don't worry people often have that response. Sure, I can give you a minute, no problems. Let's talk about this car. Oh boy, no need to worry. Let me fetch a mop. That's not an easy sale to make, Andy.

But the thing is, you say that, John, but consumer disgust is simply quite easy to overcome. There's a lot of things we'll tolerate as the price of our t-shirts will testify. I mean, our t-shirts has a society. Not the big, or specific t-shirts. That. I mean our t-shirts has a society, not the big or specific t-shirts, which is all handmade by multi-millionaires in the Cayman Islands. LAUGHTER

It's a different kind of factory, far away. But the environmental thing is interesting, because far-manimals produce a lot of gases. In fact, far-manimals around the world fart 18 trillion cubic metres of methane an hour, and I might have made that figure up, but it means that according to scientists, if all four animals lit their farts at the same time,

it would blow the earth 13% off its current axis. But you couldn't get that within sex. You can get that within. Well, I mean, the other question is, John, you're coming at this from a Jewish perspective, are insects kosher, and can you slaughter a wasp in a halal manner? Right. Right.

And most concernedly, what if I was tucking into a mosquito burger and one of the mosquitoes in it had bitten a sarmor bin Laden? I could be eating his terrorous blood if it hadn't been properly cooked. Yeah, it's just not going to work, Andy. It's not going to work. Yeah, definitely don't go medium rare. Have it, maybe well done, if you're're having you just to be on the safe side Well, one of the suggestions in the report is that the food industry could help in raising the status of insects

By including them in new recipes and adding them to restaurant menus You can also help raise the status of the insects and he by photographing them in little tuxedos going to the opera Maybe get some Hollywood actress or models to be photographed dating an insect. I'm almost 100% sure that there are hundreds of actresses in Los Angeles that would be willing to do that for publicity. Rumors are that Tara Reed is currently dating a wasp. They were photographed stumbling out of no-boo together where they shared a romantic meal. Tara Reed Torres publicists told E-News that they are head over legs in love.

Ha ha. But the world has never quite mastered the issue of food and food distribution. And with population continuing to, we're welcome for the dress this, John. It's become very increasingly, it's become increasingly difficult to ignore the elephant that has made itself very comfortable in our living rooms. It's taken a hearty shit on the rug by the fire and is now veging out on the sofa and starting to make a move on our teenage daughter

We are gonna have to address this problem at some point and it's a lot of it is psychological Scientist, Arnold Van Hauss from Vagenigan University in the Netherlands. I mean that sounds near enough One of the authors of the report said that there are a lot of psychological barriers. He did a blind tasting in which 9 out of 10 preferred meatballs made from half meat, half worm, than those made entirely from meat. So, we see the psychological aspect of food. In euphemism such as sweetbreads, awful cheese, free range, that's hope-triicked and the word fresh, which basically just means dead. It all comes down to marketing, doesn't it? It all comes down to marketing. Would you like to

eat a moth? No thanks. Would you like to eat a hand-fried flutter crisp? Oh yeah, that sounds lovely. And the effect on kids story books could be disastrous, John, because so many kids story books focus on farm animals, as I'm sure you're aware from all the books that you've read to Hogi. Last couple of years, but a lot of farm animals, the unwritten tragic subtext, well it's lovely that little flopsy the sheep is running around the field with his friends Janet the cow and Wesley the chicken, but ultimately don't forget, flopsy is going to be put on the back of a lorry with a hundred and fifty little sheep, driven to an abattoir and in a fog of confusion, panic and fear, shot in the back of a head with a bolt gun before having his throat slit

and being hung up on a hook and bled out, before being hacked to pieces and having every part of his body dispatched to various shady parts of the food chain if he's lucky. That's the unwritten subtext, not unspoken, at least not unspoken if I'm reading the book. I'm sorry. Can't let your children live in a dreamland, Bouglass. They've got a lot of that. Sleep well kids. Sleep well, bleeding from the neck, upside down. Sweet dreams. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUT [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO Space food news now and while also early this week Andy, NASA awarded a $125,000 six month grant

to design a 3D printer capable of printing a pizza from 30 year shell stable foodstuffs. That's right, Andy, pizza from a 3D printer in space. Oh, that's an option Andy, and yet we still don't have an affordable rocket boot on the market. Where are all f**king priorities? Apparently, Peter has been one item missing from astronaut menu up in space for years. Really? 3D printer wood. Yeah, it would build up a pizza serving by first layering out the dough onto a heated plate

and then adding tomato sauce and toppings. I mean, what I would say to astronauts, Andy is this, I'm so sorry that you haven't had pizza to eat up there, but you do, on the other hand, get to look at the majesty of space and look back at the beauty of earth with a perspective, few people get to experience in a lifetime and yet clearly that's not enough, Andy.

Clearly, some astronauts have looked down on the marble miracle of earth from a spectacular height and thought, I could f***ing murder a pizza right now. Well, I guess from space, earth does look quite like a pizza. So maybe that's it. Yeah, maybe, maybe that's it. It's round. It's got squiggly bits on it. It looks kind of melted. It's not going to make you think of a hot dog, is it?

It's going to make you think of a pizza. But actually, they did have a wood burning pizza oven on Apollo 13, which I think why things weren't tits up. But be careful what you wish for, astronaut, because the toppings may turn out to be a little off menu. Apparently, the new story said, the proteins would be provided by cartridge injectors filled with organic base powders derived from algae, insects, and grass.

Is it just me, Andy, or does that somehow still sound more appetising than a domino? Oh bang, there goes your next advertising contract. Your emails now and thanks all of those who were responding to the legal aid story last week, which seems to have created some interest. This one is a fascinating story, slightly alarming, in a lot of ways. I mean, not everyone agrees with the art, and it's Stephen Martin emailed in saying,

thanks for the show, but I can't get excited about, as excited about the legal aid issue as you too, France spends 120th of the amount on criminal legal aid, as England does and he sent a link to an article that I've not read yet. So, but then, you know, France is France, isn't it? It's the thought of the counts with reading, I think. Well, I've got no internet, the internet's not working here. So, so maybe we'll we'll revisit that issue in fear and thanks all of those who for tweeted

Neemildin on it, um, this email on a completely different subject came in from Andy in Hartfordshire, uh, dear John, Andy and Chris. Uh, earlier today I was skateboarding home from the Friends House. It was not a particularly big hill, but I was listening to the bugle in one year as I leisurely went down it Always going well until one of Andy's more irreverent jokes Because I need to laugh so hard that I completely lost control Flow off my board and slid a good 10 feet down the road through a puddle and into a hedge I forget which joke could have been any of them could literally have been any of them as my only memory of the incident is a

Distinct cry of, oh, fuck! Hahahaha! Luckily, I managed to get away with some torn shoes that damaged Albert and what feels like a fractured toe. So I will not be seeking legal retribution. Well, you are not American, are you? Although I now demand that Chris Sensors and the Ad of all future podcasts and John for encouraging him,

yours in Pug and the Inharve, so. I see what I can can do seems fair enough so this is it there've been quite a quite impressive catalog of bugle listening injuries building up yeah yeah glad to be of service pain is all part of the rich tapestry of life bugles we have another email here from Stephen who says, My bugle merch finally arrived today, including my prized f***ing eulogy mug, still waiting for the scale model of the Machiavella drug. I noticed that was good Andy.

I forgot about that, that's nice. Yeah. I noticed a label on the bottom of said mug that states, mug not dishwasher safe. Could it dissolve into bullshit and clog the dishwasher? Would it spread satire into the local water supply? Might mule merch be eucharistic? The transubstantiated bodies of our Lord and unsavory to the truck vector of Holy shit. Lovely sentence. Ah, terrific. And the John and Chris, lovely sentence, Steven.

You took control of that part yet you were weaving across the road a little bit, but you steered into the spin and you got us out of it. He said that would surely make my tea more enjoyable, especially if it turned into wine. Plus, it is certainly more likely than the hypothesis that you chose a cheap, printing process that would allow the ink to wear away in water. Because, hey, who washes dishes? Regardless, by the time you read this, I will have enjoyed many bush-y-tinfused brus and possibly died from an oven-ox of all the ingested satire.

Either way, like I am! Yours are the love of Florence, Steve and I, Tucker. Quality. Well- well written email Andy. Yeah, I'm alarmed to hear that they're not dishwasher safe. I'm sure they're fine. It's probably fine. They're probably not fine. They're not fine. Well, you were position the perfect amount of weight from the microphone, Chris, to make that go in. Because there was a mutter. Yeah, they're probably... I haven't even been there. I haven't even been there.

Just so you know, they're probably not fine. I'm still waiting for my merch, my own merch. There will be a link, a proper link on the website, hopefully, from today, which apparently we haven't had yet. Probably won't be today. No, but anyway. Chris, you're off. This is ruffian merch. There's ruff rumbled on. And you can contribute by buying merch or more importantly, taking out your voluntary subscription at thebeaglepodcast.com.

Don't forget to check out our SoundCloud page, SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen bugle. You can follow the Hello Bugleus Twitter feed and John, I am John Oliver, Twitter feed, which is averaging about one Update every six weeks Yeah, that's it. It might get lower than that Do keep your emails coming into info at the Buegl podcast

Dotcom and see you all in Norway Yeah, this coming week all of you. There comes a Norway So well, that's it for this week. So we're off next week. We'll put something out, but out of sub-bugle next week. And then we'll be back in two weeks time. Yep. And by this time, John will be quite busy.

So, yeah. Yeah, I'll be there, it'll be the Friday before I start. So, there may be a little waver to my voice, Sandy. If you, you should speak to Wolf Blitzer, he's, he's probably got some good tips. I don't think Andy Wolf Blitzer in particular has good tips, but anything other than manicured beard growth. That is the one thing he's qualified to express an opinion on. And how to have a sensational name? Why, he's got a world-class name.

There's no question about that. You're right, Andy. I just said that because I love saying the words wolf and the words are next to each other. You're right, I think that's the only way of explaining how he's been employed on CNN for so long. He should have been an astronaut I think with that name. Yeah, Gwikis, it's also, it must be fun for the other journalists. Back to you in the studio. Wolf. Until next time, Bughlers.

Goodbye. Bye! and this frightened threesome.