The Bugle - Bugle 242 – Woman gives birth!

Episode Date: July 26, 2013

In an incredible story, a woman has had a child. In other news, a man has published his penis online and the coin of truth is proved right once again Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello Bugleers and welcome to Bugle Issue 242. For the week beginning Monday, the 29th of July 2013, for the first time ever, in 3D, meaning that this show will be equally funny if you listen to it lying down, standing on your head or falling off a cliff. I've tried out if you don't believe us with me. And his ult will now sadly demoted to I think around 87 millionth in line to the throne.

Always bit of a pipe dream, to be honest. And in New York City, the city of the much photographed penis. It's the man who can look at a field of raw newspapers and turn it into a bowl of satire flakes in 100 minutes. It's the comedic combine harvester himself, John Oliver. Well, hello, Andy. Hello, Puglers. You're right, this has been an exhausting week, made,

especially so by the fact that Anthony Weiner and the woman who is still inexplicably his wife, held a press conference to address the news that even after he lost his congressional career by texting pictures of his penis to people, he seemingly been at it again. Just before he started running for mayor and look, you can say what you like about Anthony Wiener, Andy, but very few people can say they haven't seen his penis now. And in an age of personality politics, that might depressingly count for something.

He doesn't just have name recognition Andy, he has penis recognition. And he can't buy that kind of branding in a hard-fought election race. I know a lot of people in New York have been wearing what would Anthony Wiener's penis do, wristbands. It would throw itself at your camera phone

and text itself to strangers Andy. That's what we know what it would do. So this is B bugle 242. The 242 was a Russian aircraft made by the Tuplev Aerospace Manufacturers. The first fighter jet ever to have flapping wings to try to scare enemy aircraft into thinking it was a bird of prey, but it was ditched after just five test flights after it kept swooping to the ground and crashing into a rabbit. 242 also, the number of tickets sold on the Bill O'Reilly 2008 Furniture Restoration World Stadium tour just didn't really hit home with his core fans who wanted provocative right-wing lunacy or with a Furniture Restorer who feared that his constant copping on about

abortion would detract from his undoubted skills at repairing hairline cracks in 17th-century sideboards. And this is for the week beginning Monday, the 29th of July, which means, John, it is 1,775 years since the amusingly named Roman Emperor, Pupiánus. This is a fact. He saw this tiger for the last time, he was dragged through the streets of Rome,

tortured and hacked to death on the 29th of July in 238 AD, disappointing day for the lad, tough to take many positives from that. And Benito Mussolini would have been 130 today, if he hadn't died. I got my wet and to him after death, and I hope you're getting stuff, still, best not get hung up about it. And 55 years since NASA was effectively created by Dwight Eisenhower, the National Aeronautics and Space Act signed NASA into being since when it has singularly failed to make intergalactic space travel available

to the mass market. It did make amazing progress in its early years, considering that on day one of its operation in October 1958, it tied Air Force pilot Franklin Drammchild to a giant balloon, let the end go and hope that he would whizz into orbit. 11 years later, and a few fine tunings down the line, man on the moon. As always, a section of the people is going straight in the bin. This week an exclusive audio recording of New York, Merrill Candidate, Anthony Wiener, thudding his membrane onto a table, a recording which he then allegedly left as a voice message on a woman's phone. F***!

Uh, are we sure that was definitely Weiner? Just sounded more like an old recording of President Calvin Coulid trying to sound authoritative. And, uh, what a name, John! As you mentioned on the daily show, Carlos Danger. Carlos Danger, yeah. And that is... that is strong work. Strong work. I mean, you could ask people for suggestions, you hear a thousand suggestions, back of different

names that would be better and you would still say, no, let's go with Carlos Danger. That is the stupidest name in the history of words. Was that his nickname for his problem? Is that, do we know that one? I think it's a full schizophrenic alter ego now, Andy. New Yorkers are voting for a Weenah danger ticket now. LAUGHTER MUSIC

Tom Story this week on your knees planet earth behold the baby King On your knees Everything that my touches is your kingdom or it was it was there've been some quite serious Quite serious. Historical violence regarding that. We still got the MUNA! We still got the MUNA! On your knees, world! The boy is here! It finally happened, Andy. What a magical day of entirely precedented biology. Princess Kate Middleton, in a way that only she could, Andy,

gestated a child for nine months in her inimitable way and then gave birth to it in a completely unique, pushing it through her vagina motion. Only for the queen to dive in and bite off the umbellical cord herself with her mouth as is tradition, before dangling the baby over the balcony of Buckingham Palace in the now traditional Michael Jackson style and screaming, this boy will be king over my dead body before Paul's again saying, seriously, that is what is going to happen. I don't like the way that baby's looking at me.

It's got murder in its eyes! The news here in America, Andy, truly disgraced itself. I can only imagine how bad it was over there. Because I think the American news media officially cares more about this baby than the Queen does. That is the only way to explain the week-long thundering baby gasm that everyone has been subjected to over here. I think, well, I think the world's media in general

seem to, I think they love the baby the world's media in general seem to, I think they love the baby more even than its own doting parents do. Yeah, yeah. And, you know, the world has gone absolutely baby crazy. And the highlight of the coverage, though for me, was the first picture of the Royal Baby on the front cover of the Times newspaper

or a classic former sister publication. And unquestionably it had a picture of the little baby prince flipping its first ever V-sauve. Did it really? Yeah, it had two fingers pointing out just above its blanket. As if to say cute paparazzi this one's for granny. That is a key. That is a... that is a king. That is a king I can get behind. It's unforgivable what you did. It's unforgivable what you did.

The BBC really got stuck into this story, publicly funded national broadcaster, not everyone enjoyed its coverage. It is constitutionally bound to the BBC to broadcast in such a way that it can be criticised by all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, but ideally not by all of the people all of the time. But that does seem to happen quite a lot.

And it was basically accused of going either over or under the top in its coverage by different ends of the Republican monarchist Cecil. And often when the BBC does go over the top, it cops an abusive machine gunning from trenches on both sides of the No Man's land of neutrality operating. But it could have at least, I think they should really have pressaged their coverage of the Royal birth with the warning, viewers are warned,

they may find the editorial choices made in this report extremely distressing. At least, no where we stood. The baby crowned in every sense of the word on Monday afternoon, and his name's George Louis Alexander, which is a fantastic choice, Andy, because historically, Britain has had such a good experience with King's called George.

What could possibly go wrong? One of the weirdest mongrels during the blanket coverage here was a commentator pointing out that the queen likes to go to bed at 9 o'clock So it would be a problem if Kate gave birth too late in the day The commentator said you do not want to rouse the queen after 10 30 p.m. And that's true Andy. Why? Absolutely. Because you'll bite your f***ing face off, that's why.

If that baby would be born after 10.30, I believe the plan was to push the baby back into Princess Catherine's womb until the following morning, where it could be born at, and I quote, a civilized hour. You don't rouse the queen after 10.30, and she's basically like a gremlin.

You don't rouse her after 10.30, you don't flee her after midnight, and you don't get her wet. That is why the Jubilee Flotilla was so dangerous and he won splash on her during that and she'd have killed and eaten everyone in a three mile radius. That's a fact. Of course that happened with Queen Anne at her coronation in 1702. Of course, but it, I mean this simply has to be the biggest new story of the millennium so far, arguably more

so even than that John, because this, this precious child is our future King. One day in maybe just 60 or 70 years time, or maybe with the way medical science keeps improving, and the fact that he's from a family that have a couple of generations now, has been pretty effective at not dying, maybe even 80 to a hundred years time. This baby will be King John and I personally could not sleep worrying about whether or not in a time after I am long dead, there will be a male or female arse sitting on my nation's throne. Let us get me, get me awake at night to be honest. The baby was born at eight pounds and six ounces. And no sooner had that statistic been released.

There was someone on TV here pointing out that that was the heaviest royal baby in a hundred years. Could we not even wait at least 24 hours to try to give him body issues, Andy? Good. Could we not give that baby a single day of feeling good about himself? Also, if you really want to give that statistics and context, how about explaining what that weight really

means in a real world sense? If the baby was a steak, you could probably win a t-shirt by eating it. If the baby was cocaine, it would have a street value of $64,000. If the baby was luggage, it would be well under the airline weight requirements, so no extra allowance would need to be purchased. Well, it wasn't just the baby giving, being given body image, advice early on. His mother, predictably, was overwhelmed with advice of all kinds, her all-mumminous. And it can be really hard to separate the sweet corn from the pile of teeth. In fact, Kate Middleton within hours of giving birth was given advice by Ok Magazine. Oh, that's good. Yeah, well I know this John because I bought a copy and I was very disappointed by it.

Turns out it was just a pointless celebrity chit chat, not an academic analysis of the Austrian expressionist artist Oscar Cacosca. Anyway, Ok Magazine, hours after the birth, chundered its latest copy onto Britain's shelves with the front page, Kate's post-baby weight loss regime. And a magazine that had devoted its entire existence to exploring never previously imagined swamps of her elephants was then bombarded with fully deserved abuse before hastily issuing an apology in which it said, Kate is one of the great beauties of our age.

We would not dream of being critical of her appearance if that was misunderstood because of our cover. It was not intended. And they could have added to that. That said, Yeah, big fat Tommy, blah, wobbly, wobbly, wobbly, all women should look pretend. Prince Harry said that one of his key duties as an uncle was going to be to make sure that he has fun. And that shouldn't be a problem for Prince Harry, Andy. He's not afraid to ride the fun bus. He's not afraid to even drive the fun bus at times and drive it all the way to the Nazi

costume shop. He knows what fun is, Andy. He knows it. I'll give the kid some slack, John. He just had a dodgy GPS. Prinsary said it was fantastic to have another addition to the family and the newborn was crying his eyes out when he met him. Do you know why that might be Andy?

Because maybe someone told that baby Prins George that he was now third in light to the throne and he was screaming about understanding that. Whaaat! In this day and age, what does that even mean? Whaaat! This is the best ceremony or position. Whaaat! I'm only a few hours old and I already feel like a relic

of a bygone age. Whaaat! Whaaat! Whaaat! And it was, I mean, it was an absolutely historic moment for the country. We all cuddled around our national collective radio as the new slowly broke firstly that Lady Jamilia far waddle the cloutess of classics was roosting on the royal egg before Kate

Middleton the Dots of Cambridge was officially in position for the hatch. Proving its royal priceless, the sound of the egg cracking was detected by NASA satellites a far away space, and the nation waited for news of what brand of baby had been spawned. And the atmosphere, John, let me tell you around Britain, was electric as hundreds of thousands of people gathered around big screens across the nation

to watch live coverage of an empty easel outside Bucking and Palace waiting for a bit of paper. Because this is how the news was broken to the nation of whether or not it was a boy or a girl. They had planned a screeny actual birth lives, I think we informed you on the bugle last week, that was scuppard when no deal could be reached with director Danny Boyle, who of course is the Olympic opening ceremony, over exactly at what point in the birth a 19th century factory chimney should magically appear through the floor.

But it was, the nation waited to see whether it would have a king or a queen not actually raining over in any concrete way in 60 or 70 years time. Massive implications, massive implications, not just for the nation as a whole John in a lifetime's time, but for late 21st century coin designers. I mean, it's gonna really affect the way they go about their work in this country, whether it was feminine facial features or a proudly jutting male jawline.

And the bank notes, I mean, assuming the bank notes still exist by them, which they probably won't. I mean, they will look so different depending on whose face was on them. And that's, that explained the media coverage on that shows you what was at stake and a clue was given when a bicycle courier was photographed arriving at the hospital delivering a tiny crown enclusted with sapphires. He was then seen cycling around the corner, stopping by bin and dropping a pink diamond encrusted crown into that bin. It

was clearly at that point going to be a boy. And so it was the Royal Baby was launching a brand new set of Royal Drongle Rodden Gellumps. Traditional infant garb dating back to Tudor times. He just feels so rooted when these traditions come out, don't you, Andy? You feel the depth of history again. That's what it's all about. Well, the relief was palpable. You have to say, and Prince William, for all, that he clearly should have married someone else for reasons of Britain's economic and political strategy in the global race. What Prince is the fore? But he seemed quite fond of his wife. And he must have been relieved, John, that it was a son, because genetics is genetics and if Kate Middleton had spawned him a useless daughter all those dormant Henry VIII genes would have come flooding to the surface which would have been a constitutional nightmare in this day and age thank you Brussels and Buckingham Palace

quitely withdrew an advertisement from next Monday's Guardian Job section for a new Lord High Executioner so relief all round and what wouldn't extraordinary day for it to be born as well? John the 20 seconds of July now just it was the perfect Yeah, just the perfect month and day that the baby just seemed to instinctively know yeah But the thing is John human gestation is of course known to be exactly nine months to the day Mm-hmm be exactly nine months to the day. Give or take no days at all, which means that this baby was conceived on October the 22nd last year. That is the day that the great New Zealand rugby captains, Sir Wilson Winnery, sadly passed away at the age of 77. Now, I know in the internet age people get turned on by the weirdest things, but that is just freaking free-kiss, John.

69 years since an RAF raid on the German town of Castle killed 10,000 people and we're letting these people run the country. I guess in mitigation it was also the 130th birthday of the Hungarian Olympic swimmer in 1904 Olympics silver medalist Gezer Kis and the in 1904, Olympic Silver Medalist Gezerkiss and the 420th birthday of the Polish politician Gustav Horn and the 44th birthday of the Jamaican-born American-based rapper Shaggy. So you can see why maybe they were just perusing the birthday column and one thing led to another. And of course, the moment that the magic child popped out, Tributes came flooding in from around the world, from celebrities,

of all ilks, the musical actor, chemical brothers, who were given exclusive access to the birthing suite, have sampled the birthing yelps and screams of the Duchess of Cambridge into a techno-hardhouse remix of the National Anthem. Well, the latest story in AJP Taylor is rewriting his entire herb from beyond the grave to take account of the birth of the prince. This puts a new perspective on everything, Splutters the 22 years dead author of classics, such as How Wars Begin, the Italian problem in European diplomacy, 1847 to 1849,

Beaver Brook, a controversial departure into erotic fiction, and the Rothman's football yearbook, season 1983 to 84. Australian soap opera neighbours, John, you'll be interested by this. They recorded a special episode in which the late Mags Bishop and Helen Daniels come back to life to watch the first picks of the role baby on ABC News before dying again. And in the anniversary games Athletics of the Olympic Stadium this weekend, to mark one year since since the Olympics, the Great Britain 4x100 meter relay team have

been given special dispensation to use a live five day old baby instead of the baton they will sprint round the track passing the screaming infant to each other and attribute to the royal proto king before handing the traumatized child back to its weeping mother. So it's um it's i mean it's been very touching away way David Cameron said that the royal baby is quote easily the best baby at the roughly 360,000 born in the world today. It just makes the others look fucking shit by comparison. Look at him as British as a fucking nut. Beautiful. And meanwhile a mega death gig at the Sin Valley Festival of Loud noises, a tiffle

leasing a Dave Mustaine interrupt the band set to say, I love babies! And lead the heavy metal four piece in an emotional rendition of Barbar Blacksheep, described by critics as the loudest lullaby since the New York Thrash Metalers and Thracks played a 45-minute twinkle, twinkle little star, an unsuccessful effort to play drummer Charlie Bonante's new leveledor puppet asleep at the Desabas of Death Festival in 1987, a concert which resulted in a record of 2,000 perforated eardrums and one extremely unhappy dog. Whilst the dead celebrities of all three men attribute the 16th century Polish astronomy ice and the Helio-Centrism superstar Nikki Copernicus, gushed from beyond his grave,

today's media coverage truly proves that the earth revolves around the sun. BOOM! Your emails now, and we have a lot of emails concerning the coin of truth prediction. There's one here from Carl Sainte, Andy Chris and John in order of who is most likely to be a witch. I was recently listening to Bugle Episode 238 in which Andy introduces his coin of truth. Along with correctly predicting seven out of seven cricket matches, the so-called coin of truth also made one other correct prediction. When John asked, the coin rightly predicted the gender of

cake metal tints unborn baby. What does this mean? Is the coin of truth magic, or was this simply a lucky cow incidence? Are 50-50 odds too low to buy such an important decision? The NSI certainly doesn't think so, but perhaps the most important question is, does Andy still have the coin? If so, I can only plead that he used the coin for good. Remember, we've great power,

comes great responsibility, sincerely, cast stranger, strayer. So, well, Andy, yeah. That is, do you still have that coin? I do, I'm not sure if I've got it on me, let me see if I've got it on me. Yeah, I think I'm, no, I think I've got it in a locked vault at home actually. It's just too powerful to really risk taking it on me. Yeah, we, because I could actually spend it on something, you know. That will be the worst possible thing you could do.

You know, handing that out. Then you're giving the power of that to anybody. Yeah, when a whun knows where that will end. So it doesn't even bear thinking about. This email came in from Matt. Did John Christian Andy? Is it just me? Or is this new grey girl smurf kind of hot? She's been winking out of me from bus side ads as they cruise past and God help me.

In the face of all reason and logic, I may actually have to see this film just for a little taste of hot grey girl smurf action. Ooh smurfing yeah. So out with it John, I'm not you're not the kind of smurfed to kiss and Tell, but did you get any hot on location blue on grey action? Your sinficaria smurf lust. Matt. Wow, well done, Matt. You have just written, no, I'm not telling you something, you don't already know, Matt, you've just written a very creepy email. a very creepy email. I think if you find a grey smurf attractive, Matt, that says, a lot more to do with you than the smurf involved. You're projecting, Matt, is what you're doing. That smurf is not kettishly leading you on. That is, I believe if I recall the story rights and there's absolutely

no reason why I should be remembering this right, I believe that is a naughty smurf. I think so. So you're attracted to naughty. Now I don't want to be armchair psychologist with you, Matt. You've clearly got some things to work through. And we have another email here from Hiram saying, dear Andy John and Chris, a month ago, my wife and I had our first baby. He came out all right as babies go a few weeks.

That's good to have that level of objectivity from a parent. Because, you know, usually it's our most beautiful thing in the world. In fact, you know, these would be a parent say, I know objectivity is right, but first of all. On the bell curvy, it's going in the middle. I can't see why all supermodels don't have squished up faces and weird scurff on the tops of their heads

and snottling out of their noses. That is how beautiful babies are. A few weeks into his invasion, we encountered a dilemma. You see, it's normal for newborns to be fussing all the time, crying and complaining is the only language they have. So he cries all the time, 24-7.

You can imagine the relief when we found out that one of the few things that actually suits the little crying machine is, you guessed it, and the John's bullshit, oh my God. The only thing that comes in is Yo-Yo Mars Bach Solo renditions, and here in, the other thing that comes in is Yo-Yo Mars Bach Solo renditions, and here in Lys the dilemma.

Bach versus the bugle. My wife. Contestors' oldest time itself. That's right. My wife thinks it's actually a good idea to expose the way we do classical music, as it's supposed to stimulate is young neurons. And might help them turn into an intelligent thoughtful

and sophisticated individual. I, however, I already like the way this is going. Here I am. Have a strong opinion about pacifying him through the bugle. Not that exposing him to Bach will hurt him, but it's obvious to me that being exposed to industrial amounts of bullshit in early age, build character and above all imagination.

So guys, could you settle this for us, Bach or Bugle? With respect, here I am, San Juan Puerto Rico. Well, I think... Fantastic. I mean, I think it's very hard to say this early stage, John, because I mean, the bugle's been, well, coming up towards six years in existence. Now, I guess there could be some children that were exposed to the bugle six years ago

that are now, I mean, my own daughter, what? Maybe she'll speak of your control experiment. What happened if you're exposed to that level of bullshit from that early in age. But I mean, I think we need to let history and science be the judge of that. Bueglers, if you do have a small child and you're willing to be part of the most significant psychological human development experiment in probably in human history, do send your children in. Do we have a postal address?

No. No. Well, just put it the Buegl London, it'll find it's where you're, that's a kind of do send your children in? Do we have a post-lil address? Chris? Um, no. No. Well, just put it the bugle London, it'll find us where you're, that's the kind of power we will understand. We'll then just look after your children over the next 12 years, playing it, playing one, we'll have a controlled sample that listen to both Bach and the bugle. Ha, then of the rest,

Ha, forlisten to just the bugle and Ha, forlisten to just Bach. And we'll see, you know, who comes out, who comes out the stronger? Or Andy, yeah. Or Andy, maybe Chris could start a whole new industry of baby merchandise by setting some of the most bullshit moments of the bugle to the music of Bach, thereby stimulating and intellectually

demoralizing your child. I'm very much up for this. Like kind of, yeah, exactly like on audio and aesthetic. That's all your emails. Thank you for sending them to keep them coming into info at thebugelpodcast.com. Don't forget to check out our SoundCloud page, SoundCloud.com, slash the hyphen bugle. Also on SoundCloud, if you like, the greatest test that Chris and I have been doing, the hyphen bugle. Also on SoundCloud, if you like cricket, is the greatest test that Chris

and I have been doing, the hyphen, greatest hyphen test. And at the bugle's own website, the buglebox.com, you can get our merch. And we'll hopefully be expanding the range quite soon. And which, you know, it's probably been the greatest phenomenon in retail history or thing. So phenomenal, in fact, John, that someone came to the recording of the Greatest, as we did in Brighton this Wednesday, who works in the Lebanon, and said that she'd seen someone in the street wearing bugle merchandise. No way. No.

No way. We are basically halfway to solving the Middle East crisis. That is the medium of a much. The Bugle Brigade have been making insertions into Syria for the last couple of months. Well clearly, talking seriously about these problems that hasn't solved them in the last 6,000 years, so maybe just speakers spouting bullshit across that troubled region could just distract everyone. It could work. Anyway, you can get all that at thebugelpodcast.com. Well, that's it for this week's Royal Baby Special bugle. I don't know when the baby's first coming to New York John.

Have you managed to get it on the daily show? That'd be quite a coup for you, wouldn't it? Well that's, I'm trying harder than anything, Andy, just to get the first interview with our baby. Yeah, I just think a six minute searing interview of desperately trying to get it to stop crying would be electric television. Be just like Reese Witherspoon, but more so.

So, yes, I'm doing a show at the Phoenix Fringe in London on the 8th of August, Bugle, if you want to come and see me try out, sort of work in progress, new material, that's at the Phoenix Parbon Cavendish Square, three shows that evening with the Pappies, the sketch team in the Canadian comedian Pete Johansson who's excellent, you can get a day ticket or ditch those losers and just see the real deal. But which I mean, I went fishing and I'll reel in an eel and I'll have it on stage, a real eel. We're doing a musical double act in which I keep calling it a snake and it keeps getting

cranky and saying, f**k you, I'm a f**k. So do come to that on the 8th of August. Until next week, Fuglers. Ah, John, John, John. I mean, you've gone very quiet. I've just, I mean, I've not done a lot of puns recently over the last few years. I've been quite clean.

Quite a lot of emails and comments on social media about it. What do I do? What do I do? There's a number of puns you've been doing on the daily show, John. Zero, zero puns Andy. That's the only way. It's not what people have been saying, John.

There will have been no puns, Andy. They truly misheard. Which is? Any pun is accidental, Andy. That... Well, John, I just don't know if that is going to stand up in court. That sounds up in my stomach. That sounds like a man's Armstrong defense to me. Oh, shit, I nearly forgot. My stand-up series starts tonight. If you live in America or anywhere else that gets it or you have the internet, I don't know how it works. This is a plug as bad as yours, you say.

My stand-up series starts a comedy social Friday's 11th o'clock for the next eight weeks, I think. Watch it or don't. Right, you're really side-step that punish you there, John. So... When I guess it's not... No, I know, I know. No way, I intentionally punned.

No way. Knowing how you feel about puns, it shows that you have more respect for the bugle as a franchise than you do for the daily show. So I'm not... I guess that's a good thing. Ha ha ha ha! Thanks for listening, bugleers. Until next week. Goodbye.

Bye!