The Bugle - Bugle 246 – Selling The Drama (And War and Guns And The Planet)

Episode Date: September 13, 2013

Bugle 246 – Selling The Drama (And War and Guns And The Planet) by The Bugle Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Bugleers, and welcome to issue 246 of the Bugle for the week beginning Monday, 16th of September, 2013, with me and his ultimate live in the centre of the Universe. Sorry, London, gaffing it, the centre of the Universe. And joining us for this very special anniversary, 390 years to the second on Monday since the Mayflower began her voyage to North America with the Pilgrim Fathers on board the original PDDs to their non-luxury transatlantic crumes. And on that anniversary we're joined by another Englishman who fled these shores in the pursuits of his religious freedoms, his religion involving a one that believes in him being on

telling more often. It's the Victoria and Albert of voicing over animations. It's John Oliver. Hello Andy, hello, Buda. First things first Andy. Great news out of Afghanistan. And there is a sentence that has not been spoken for hundreds of years, possibly in the history of civilization, unless you really hate giant Buddha statues.

No, God. They are so annoying. Well, yeah, it might take a while to get some of them on the beach. It used to be a while ago. What is the good news? Well, is there peace there? No. Is it any closer being a functional country rather than a series of chaotic warlord run provinces?

No. Have the Taliban decided to act a little less like a bunch of wrecking dig bags? Of course not. But it's better than all of those things, Andy. Afghanistan has won its first ever international football tournament. Yeah. That is better than all three of those things combined. Afghanistan beat India, who were the defending South Asian champions, 2-0, 2-0, in the final in Nepal.

Now, this is especially impressive, in the Taliban era, the entire sport was banned even for small children. I don't think they even fielded a team in the international competition over 15 years. But the point is, the celebrations were in classic Afghan style, Andy, Uncontrolled and incredibly dangerous. Despite an official plea from the Kabul police, for people not to fire

weapons into the air to celebrate, the sky was apparently full of gunfire all night. And reports said that many of the most intense gunfire actually came from inside police station compounds. There was a welcome home event at the stadium in Kabul where General Akbar gave a speech saying, now this is the time Afghan politicians should learn from National Football. And of course he's right Andy, he's exactly right, Afghanistan should go and fight India. Isn't that what you say? That's where true happiness lives. Sounds eerily like the aftermath of Jullingham 2, Hallifax, Nill back in 1993.

Well, that's good that football stadium has been used for more football related activities than it had been under the Taliban when, you know, if someone went down pretty easily. It wasn't that they'd just been the victim of a foul, more that they'd been shot in the head. So thanks to all buglers who've been to see my satirist for a high show at Soho Theatre during the first week, I hope you've enjoyed it.

If you are coming for the rest of the run, do send in your satirical requests, particularly if you're coming on Monday or Saturday next week, when Saturday's looking like it might be a pretty short show if the ticket does not start sending with some stuff. This is Bugle 246. I've got one on number, John the highest test score ever made by the legendary England batsman Jeffrey Boycott That's what everyone was thinking. Yeah, I think it was famously dropped because he scored it too slowly It was dropped for the next next test match, which was

Basically, I think At his own personal sat on the history of the British Empire that we were Dropped by the Empire for not ruling quickly enough As we record it's 50 years since sex was legalised in Britain in 1963. 85 years since frowning was made compulsory in public places in this country after the government decided the nation had become too frivolous in the rather skittish 1920s and 25 years since the World Bank agreed to impose attacks on shoulder

pads and hair-booping products to try to stop the seemingly uncontrollable expansion of the top 20% of 1980s women. The UN itself was concerned that if clothing and hair volume continued growing at the rate of the 82-27 period, no one would have been able to move in the world by the year 2014. And thanks to their long-term foresight, we are still able to walk around today, and that's the long-term planning that the world could really do with in the 21st century. As always a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. This week John I know it's probably for something you've been intimately involved in. It's been New York Fashion Week.

Yeah, of course and I've been up and down the catwalks like an actual cat. I have no business being there. But fur really suits you. So for our sex in the bin we have a review of all the hip, new clothes this week, including all the things that have really caused a stir in the big apple on the catwalks, the dead calf, headscarf. That's from the rhyming garment designer, J. Perkin Gantz, a twist on the classic 1950s headscarf, but using a freshly hand-slaughted veal cough, described by the fashion reviewer from the Harvard Journal of Applied Mathematics and clothing accessories as, quote, warm and cozy once the blood has stopped splurting

everywhere. Gansch's other rhyming products include the Shnauzer trouser, mowed from the pelts of the distinctively-feated German dog, the sweaty goat, petty goat, self-explanatory and politely erotic, and the egg-flavored prey, negly-jay, part omelet, plot, blood-sucking, parasite, and part religious cascac. We also review the ever-descending waste band of youth trousers, reaching its logical conclusion with Brooklyn designer Da Benchdorkelli's ankle jeans. The must have trausorial funquare for today's urban or wet teenager. The ankle jeans are designed to sit around the feet of the wearer, modelled on the jeans that the rapper Mogadish's K wore around his ankles on stage at the Bilesdorn Festival of Misanthropic Arts in 2012.

When he performed his hit R&B infuse, rap anthem finished my crossword or I'll punch you in the face while sitting on a giant toilet and pointing a gun at a woman dressed as a scantly Clevdosaurus. And also, we look at the latest products from the Parisian wine fan and celebrity milliner, the hat designer Flavine Ekliflo Blur, with her chateau d'œuf d'oupeppe, a hat or château which consists of a bird's nest shaped like a human breast or pep containing a roosting kestrel and its eggs, or as the French call them, oofs. Ideally, ideal for social functions and gala film launches, the bird nests on your bones throughout the

event before it's young hatch and it flies off around the room pecking up any or remaining canopace to take back to the hat nest and puke into the baby kestrel's waiting mouths, a genuine fashion talking point. That section in the bin. Top sorry this week, the war that nearly was then wasn't but then still might be. Syria update. And it's been a strange week in warmongering. And when we left you last week it seemed odd on

that America was going all in on attacking Syria with the Obama administration pushing its ballistic ships across the table but then the president decided that he wanted congressional approval for a strike meaning that before the US bought that plan the White House needed to sell the shit out of it so that's what they've been trying to do over the past week. The president essentially needed to become a war-mongering version of the shamwau guy on late night infomercials. Hi, it's Barack here for Siri's intervention. Damascus is a mess right now, but don't worry for a limited time offer, our patented series of airstrikes will clean that right up.

All those tough to remove stains on humanity will be a thing of the past. Sarin, gone. Blood, gone. Religious tensions, what religious tensions? With an awful like this, you can't afford not to get involved. Coley Congressman now, off of available for a limited time. So, a 48 hour media sales onslaught was planned. The president had six network interviews planned, plus an address to the nation on the importance of military action. He was officially adopting his role as salesman in chief. What can I do to put

you in a series of surgical airstrikes today? All seemed to be moving in the desired explosive direction. And then, Secretary of State John Kerry was asked an open-ended question in the press conference. He began opening and closing his mouth with collected sounds coming out and suddenly everything changed. A reporter asked him, is there anything at this point that the government of Syria could do or offer that would stop an attack? To which the on-message response from Kerry of course would have been, sure, they can get down on their knees and they can kiss my angry balls.

But for no, instead Andy, Kerry went with sarcasm, which is always a wise tone to strike when it comes to delicate international diplomacy, and he said sure he could turn over every single bit of his chemical weapons to the international community in the next week, turn it over, all of it without delay, and allow a full and total accounting for that, but he isn't about to do it, and it can't be done, obviously. Going on to say, I mean, sure, were he to do that, I guess these words would within hours come back to bite me and the rest of the administration in the arse, but that's not about to happen. Obviously, in fact, if he does do it, I will personally get a tattoo of Bashar Alassad's arse on my arse. That is something that I will do, but tattoo of Bashar Alassad's ass on my ass. That is something

that I will do, but that's not going to happen, obviously. So within milliseconds of Kerry saying these things, and it was sounding pretty cross, kind of JK growling, kind of, acts was going on, within milliseconds Russia had jumped on his sort of casual offhand mumbling and said, oh yeah, that's a good idea. We'll go and ask Siri that. Now, I said maybe many things, but he's not an idiot. Actually, he is an idiot. But even an idiotic child knows when there's an ice cream dangling in front of its face. And the chance not to be bomb shitless by America was also keeping key ally Russia on side was a pretty, pretty dangly cornetto. So Asad said, why not?

And Kerry and Obama then said, oh yeah, okay, I suppose it turns out that asking nicely was worth a go. Now, I'm not saying John, I'm not saying that asking nicely should have necessarily been plan A, but I think it should have been somewhere between plans A and X. But it isn't only, they fluked it, John. It is, it is

incredible. Russia broken a deal with Syria. Seemingly partly just out of spite. It's like Russia would be watching Kerry speak and said, did you just hear what Kerry said? You know what would be really funny, of course, doing exactly what he just said couldn't happen. You know, just to f*** with him. Now, I'm not sure what has ever been avoided in a more childish way, I think. What else official initially said that Kerry's remarks were,

and I'm quoting, I might jiggle. But then, the official position quickly became that any deal was definitely worth exploring. So Kerry essentially rift his way into a major policy shift. And the next thing you know, Russia's broke in peace with Syria. He did it Andy. I can't work out if John Kerry has bad at his job, good at it or so terrible he's actually great at it. He basically blended his weight at peace. If there was a Nobel Prize for peace goofing, it would be his Andy.

He's an accidental mother Theresa. He's a clumsy Dalai Lama. He's a slapstick, Gandhi. I was in a bank or slapstick, Gandhi. I mean, he's absolutely extraordinary. It turns out that the dance you need it done within a week, now mean, it is absolutely extraordinary. And it turns out that, that, that, uh, don't you need it done within a week, uh, now looks like there's going to take a few months, uh, John Kerry said that, no biggie. I was actually, uh, thinking about a new tube of

toothpaste, not handing over chemical weapons. I definitely need that within a week. Putin, uh, replied, right, great, hands in one, two, three, go team peace. And they all lived happily ever after the end. So it's, um, it's a great news, John, that the war is over. Or at least a bit of the war that we in Britain and America have to give a shit about. So that's fine. Everything else shit happens. Yeah, the Syrian genocide very much continues.

But our part of the war is over in which case, peace in our time, just not in their time. Now, apparently out of nowhere, we do seem to have a non-military solution to this crisis. And that's got to be good news for the Obama administration, right? Well, not if you listen to the media here, because on CNN, Nick Payton Wall said,

the Obama administration very much caught on the back foot, really struggling to catch up with the news. Now, if I was the president, Andy, and I am not, I really wouldn't worry about too much about struggling to catch up with the news, because from my experience of watching it, you can just stand back and watch the news run around in a circle like a headless chicken before tripping over its own dick. Then, boom, guess what, you're all caught up.

This level of high-end gaff work from John Kerry really begs the question, where the f*** was Joe Biden in all of this? Is he really gonna let himself get out peacecapped by John Kerry? I've got to believe that he's in the White House right now in a pair of terror-wide pants saying, put me in coach, put me in the game. I can bring his right and a palestine together by running my mouth off. I guarantee it. But it's extraordinary that asking nicely as how's basically worked. I mean, I guess it helped, does work more effectively after you've initially asked less nicely and tried

to look threatening. I mean, that's just basic parenting. Yeah. Don't I'm sure you've discovered with your to like full doggy. Yeah. Now, because, you know, I have from my parenting career as well, Daddy can, uh, can Daddy have a go on your scooter? No. Okay. Look, what's on your scooter? No, okay, look what's outside your bedroom window? A child eating bear? Yes it is now, can Daddy have a go on your scooter? Oh good, thank you, excellent sharing, well done. So, that's the negotiation protest, John, it's a dance as old as time itself. Perhaps one of the reasons that this administration jumped on the deal like a jacked up kangaroo

is that polls suggest here that Americans were overwhelmingly against any kind of military intervention. So I've actually suggested at the start of the week that around 70% of Americans were against airstrikes. Americans supported airstrikes about as much as they supported Crystal Pepsi. And look what happened to that. The Democrat sales strategy on Syria has been a mess from the start, but that's hardly a surprise because Democrats are terrible at selling things in America. Syria is just

the latest example. They're currently struggling to sell health care to Americans when it will only do the country a huge amount of good and it also already law anyway. But look, public opinion has never stopped America from getting into wars before, so I don't know why it has now. A senior White House advisor attempted to sum up what should be one of the President's greatest strengths on the news last weekend, but which is actually one of, in this context, one of his greatest weaknesses. He said, one of the things people like about this President is that he talks to people

like adults and he will make clear that there are two sides to every story and that these are complicated issues. You see, that is your problem right there, Andy. You're trying to sell a war. This is not a time for complicated issues. First rule of advertising. When you're selling something, you cannot acknowledge complexity. It's kryptonite. You don't advertise milk by saying milk. It does your body good. Unless, of course, you lactose intolerant, in which case, it can be a nightmare. It does sometimes have that weird aftertaste, doesn't it? Let's accept that that's a fact.

You know what? In the West, we probably have way too much dairy in our diet in general to be healthy, but still, male! No, you don't do that. It's that acknowledging your complexity, which is why Democrats will never be able to be the effective military slave oil salesman the Republicans are. Look at the White House chief

of staff Dennis McDonough was all over the TV here at the earlier in the week making the case for war saying you've seen video proof of the outcome of these attacks. All of that leads to, as I say, a quite strong common sense test irrespective of the intelligence that suggests that the regime carried this out. Do we have a picture or do we have irrefutable, beyond a reasonable doubt evidence? Well, this is not a court of law, and intelligence does not work that way. What the f*** was that, Andy? Common sense!

This is not a court of law. Intelligence does not work that way. Nice sales job idiot. You just lost 300 million potential consumers. Now, this is not complicated Andy. What the point is it is, but it can't be. That's the problem. Politically speaking, you can have no nuance if you want to sell a war. So if they really wanted to get this done, they should have called in the guys who could have really sold it. Cheney, Rumsfeld and Bush Andy, the A team, and I'm not telling you what the A stands for there. Those guys were the best at selling America a war that it didn't want and definitely didn't need. They were the sterling Cooper of war mongering. They knew that selling a war is about brand discipline, Andy.

Rumsfeld said in 2002, the idea that this is going to be a long, long, long battle of some kind is belied by the fact of what happened in 1990. Five days or five weeks or five months, but it's certainly not going to last any longer than that. You hear that, Andy? Iraq certainly wasn't going to last any longer than five months. Was that Andy? Iraq certainly wasn't going to last any longer than five months. Was that based in any kind of fact? No. Did he say it anyway? Of course, because Rumswell knew how to shove a war down people's throats and it turns out that if you weren't happy with the war you just bought, you could call his complaints line at 1-800-GO-F-F-Y-O-S-S-S. 100 go f**k yourself. We need to put this in some kind of context as well.

A lot of problems, you say that I'm a lot of the complexity is accorded by the fact that the rebels are not the kind of knowledge cuddly rebels that you might want to take home after a war. Some of them are not less than polite, it might be said. They've been accused of war crimes by the UN. And so it's very complicated, should we be giving arms to extremist rebels? I mean, there's always a risk, John. History shows that generally arming people like this.

It's about as risky as training your dog to eat nothing but sausages and scotch eggs and then taking it with you on a nudist holiday. You know, it might be fine. In fact, the dog might even find the whole experience liberating, but it may very well come back to bite you. No sooner had Putin spiked helped America in this. He was ****ing with it again. Yesterday he published an op-ed in the New York Times, which didn't seem to serve any real purpose

other than pissing everyone off, which is of course the ultimate purpose, it seems, when it comes to Putin. In his piece titled, A Play for Corsion from Russia, Putin presents himself as a level-headed peacemaker, which is an interesting, if jar-encharacter development

for someone who mugs people view as a chillingly ruthless sociopath. In the op-ed he argues, we must stop using the language of force and return to the path of civilised diplomatic and political settlement. I mean, sure, Andy. Sure, that's true, I guess. I don't think there'd be many people who would deny that other than, of course, put it himself occasionally. But the Quibble Count really started to get higher when he wrote, we need to use the United Nations Security Council and believe that preserving law and order in today's complex and turbulent world is one of the few ways to keep international relations from

sliding into chaos. That's just a little hard to take and be coming from Russia who have systematically vetoed the shit out of any attempt. The security council has made a getting Assad to cool it on the killing a bit. You know, just to get Assad to take a genocide chill pill for a bit. Sort of like being lectured by Michael Angelo about painting fewer naked willies on ceilings. He closed his op-ed Putin saying, my working and personal relationship with President Obama is marked by growing trust.

I appreciate this. I carefully studied his address to the nation on Tuesday. And I would rather disagree with the case he made on American exceptionalism, stating that the United States policy is what makes America different, it's what makes us exceptional. It's extremely dangerous to encourage people to see themselves as exceptional, whatever the motivation. There are big countries and small countries, rich and poor, those with long democratic traditions, and they're still finding their way to democracy. Their policies differ too. We're all different, but when we ask for the Lord's blessing, we must not forget that God created us equal. Okay, hippie. Few things there. First, one thing that America is objectively exceptional at is overreacting whenever anyone accuses them of not being exceptional.

So put in you exactly what button he was pressing there. Secondly, the whole we must not forget that God created us Equal Malaki rings a little holler when it's coming from the same guy who seems to a quite gay people with mosquitos. And then thirdly, Putin doesn't act to equal himself, making sure that he's constantly photographed shirtless on horses, shirtless fishing, or shirtless in a submarine. Not to mention the way he talks about Russia, and a rally last year he said, we will not allow someone to impose their will on us, because we have our own will. It has helped us to conquer. We are a victorious people.

It's in our genes, in our genetic code. Putin, Andy, is saying that Russians are genetically exceptional, which is even more f***ing dangerous. We need to give this some context, all this debate about arms. This week in London, it's been a good side of arms, John. There's been the DSEI Biannual Arms Fair at the Excel arena, the world's leading arms trade, kaboom, bang, plastic, death, thicc, jamboree, or in its own words, a defense and security event.

Now I know we like to live in a free world where it's a nation to write. Love it. Love it. It's a nation's right to sell stuff that goes bang and makes people fall over and also to sell stuff that stops other people making different stuff go bang and make other people fall over. The arms trade, of course, very much a two-inch banana. And it's one of the things we're best at in Britain.

Alongside, for example, the selective recollection of history and having been better at stuff ages ago. And I guess... And I guess... I'm a guest there, ever was at that, Andy. I mean, we... The best there's ever been... We've got to avoid allegations of hypocrisy,

which have been quite a few flying around the world over the last couple of weeks. And if you and I, John are free to sell bugle t-shirts, mugs, and caps, the buglepock us.com, weaponized with the awesome brand power of the bugle. Then social art weapons manufacturers be free to plug their multi-billion-pound high-tech weapons. And it's basically their commemorative merch. So I guess it'll just be nice. If we had the decency to stamp all our exports with a union jack and b the arms trade spiritual logo the crossed fingers symbolising both the fingers crossed hope that they won't end up defensively securing

the wrong type of people. And the fact that when we bang on about freedom here and democracy and human rights we may very well have our fingers quietly crossed behind our backs and not entirely mean it quite as much as our honourable British faces suggest. So, I guess, you know, there is always a risk with these things, it's probably fine and we only sell them to nice despots. But when you flog your bang-bangs to countries which have an at best frosty relationship with themselves, then you are getting into trouble. That's the problem though, Andy, because Britain's arms trade has had a hypocritical hippo honking after.

All week, after a scandal that emerged, the British government was accused of breathtaking laxity in its arms controls last week after emerged that officials authorised the exports to Syria of two chemicals capable of being used to make siren gas as recently as last year Andy. A British company was granted export licenses for the subsidies of potassium fluoride and sodium fluoride, dual use substances for six months back in way way back in 2012 Andy. At

time when Syria Civil War was very much raging and concern was already right that the regime could use chemical weapons on its own people. Now business secretary, business secretary Andy, he's responsible for business that he's just defending business, Vince Cable, and acknowledged that he authorized the export of chemicals knowing full f**king well that they were listed on an international schedule of chemical weapon precursors. The Prime Minister's official spokesman pointed out that no chemicals were actually exported during that Period saying look you see the system working with materials not exported

The fact that the lights system were revoked and the exports did not take place the parameters view is that this demonstrates that the system is working No, it fucking doesn't Andy. That is not the point at all. That just proves that the system, in this particular instance, is extremely fucking lucky. That's like giving businesses license to possess rocket launches, but trusting that they won't use them if they don't think it's appropriate. The Vince Cable said that licenses were granted because at the time there were no grounds for refusal. What more grounds do you need? Yes, he's a murderous dictator with a proven track record of attacking his own people,

but to refuse to sell in these chemicals would be to suggest Andy that he might use them, which seemed so rude that I, you know, Britain just didn't want a risk causing a fuss. That's the British way. I'm what about a sad in the middle of all this? Well, John 9-11, the 11th of September, is President Assad's birthday? Which is that true? Yeah, I mean, that is an inflammatory birthday. They're on a circumstances. Oh, that is. If it, yeah, I don't know, I think the diplomatic thing to do would be to change your birth certificates on September the 12th back then.

So you know what, I'm just gonna budget a couple of days, it doesn't really make any difference. So he was 48 this week. And I try to understand, because he's a strange man, he has this kind of bizarre relationship with his own public image. I've not understand what motivates him, and here's a few facts I dug up, John. His first child was born in early December 2001, which means that it was conceived in late February or early March of that year, around about the exact time that the 2001 UK foot and

mouth crosses began. And it's the same time that the Taliban started smashing up those historic giant buddhas, the Bami and Buddhas in Afghanistan, and John, possibly even on the day, that the greatest cricketer in history, Don Bradman, died at the age of 92. His second kid was conceived around the time the war in Dafferbergan and the space shuttle Columbia exploded and the third whilst Kodak and Sonu were embroiled in a court case relating to patents on digital camera technology. Now I'm not going to judge other people's personal and sexual proclivities John, but the Assads are into some f*** weird shit. That's a kind of man we're dealing with.

I don't know what point you've made there, Andy, but it's a memorable one. Environment update now, and unfortunately when it comes to the environment, the no-news-is-good-news concept does not apply. Environmentally, no-news means outrageous journalistic laziness overlooking mountain global crisis. But look, there may be a plan B for the environment and not plan B in the American sense, which would be to give the earth a pill that would essentially abort the planet. Not that. Lord Rhys, one of Britain's top scientists and the inventor of Reese's pieces,

delivered a super little scientist, Reese's top scientist. Super scientist. Loves himself a P-nutty chocolate tea treat. He delivered a major address on potential scientific backup plans if carbon emissions can't be curved within a couple of decades due to, I don't know, probably debilitating disease

of people not really being bothered enough to do it. Some of the options are apparently essentially hacking the planet's climate by launching mirrors into space, seeding clouds and triggering blooms in the oceans. And if that sounds like a series of desperate moon shops, that's because they basically would be. Reese acknowledges that geoengineering is controversial and also admitted that it would be an utter political nightmare. Although, I think my utter political nightmare and he will probably be going to sleep and maybe dreaming that David Cameron was a fly and that he was landing on like a horse shit and then he was flying over and landing on my face

and I couldn't swat him away. That'll be a political nightmare. I can't allow me to complete nightmare. But I mean this John to me, this is absolutely fantastic news because we could be looking at an absolutely cataclysmic rise in temperatures over the next 100 years, you know, six degrees, centigrade, changing life on earth, irrevocably leading to massive political and economic instability. And as you say, the boffins have said we may well need a Plan B. And this of course, whenever anyone says we may need a Plan B, this is translated by the world as, yeah, no need for Plan A. We are in the clear.

That is true. And also, this is the kind of thing, this is the kind of language, John, that politicians will understand. I mean, let's just take, as an example, these mirrors, launching mirrors in the space. If you tell little, blah, blah, blah, blood potent, no lover of the Russian creams, that he's going to have to reduce Russia's carbon emissions by 20% over the next 40 years. Well, he's just gonna glaze over and start thinking about what journalists he once bumped off next or how cool Googleags were.

But if you tell Vladimir Putin that he can launch a giant mirror into space or change the sea, you will have his full, undivided attention and probably a complimentary XKGB gun. This is the way to get these things done. The mirror technique would apparently involve blasting mirrors into space and strategically placing them so that they reflect sunlight

away from the earth. Of course, the other option, Andy, would be to turn the mirrors the other way round to force people to see what complete self-involved short-termest arson's there being by not addressing this massive problem in any significant way whatsoever. Either way, either way, just depends how you want to play it, which way you want to point it.

There are various other plan b's, as well as the John Mirror. Plug at the bottom of the Atlantic, find another planet. We've heard this week that the Voyager, Spacecraft, is left, the solar system. And could easily come in contact with another star at some point in around about 40,000 years' time. And that star could easily have a planet attached to it. So that's something worth cleaning too. Prior to 2% harder at weekends Also with you know with the ozone layer having disappeared those prayers get up to God a bit faster as well To combat rising sea levels

There is a possibility we could put all land on a five meter hydraulic platform Alternatively just ask Kevin Koster about stuff or leave off for its doors open for 20 minutes every day So there are there are things we can do John failing Failing all those, let's call those plans C and failing always going to ignore plan B altogether. Failing all that we can just fall back on the old tried and tested things to do in the time of crisis blame the gaze ban contraception or call a jihad. So Australia might not be quite as keen to step up to the global warming plate as it previously was. They have a new Prime Minister, Tony Abbott, described as a compassionate conservative to words that don't always go. A lot of that compassion tends to be directed towards

endangered billionaires. In fact, they've been conducting a breeding program, I believe, in the Global Economy in recent years, and quite successfully. They're more billionaires than they were. It's amazing. If only they could do the same thing with pandas. So Abbott got in. Australian politics has been a total f*** up recently, as I'm sure you found, when you were out there, Abbott replaced Kevin Rudd and Rudd initially replaced John Howard about six years ago, basically running on a platform of saying, I'm not John Howard. He was then ousted by Julia Gillard running on the, I'm not Kevin Rudd card. Rudd then counter-afted

Gillard saying, I'm not Julia Gillard. And Abbott has now got in on a very powerful, I'm neither Julia Gillard nor Kevin Rudd to get the dance as old as democracy itself. But he's beyond climate change. He described it as, quote, absolute crap. I mean, you've got to admire his succinct analysis of reams and reams of scientific research, argument and counter-ocumen, absolute crap. Science is 98% confidence, Andy. That's a fact. Or is the fact of a 98% confidence scientist?

It's just witchcraft with a clipboard, basically. But I guess it shows, John, he's a conservative, and conservatives. To me, generally around the world, we've seen that conservatives are like a small magnetic boy at the bottom of a well during a coin shopening and wish-making festival. They fear change. Boom! BOOM! BOOM! There are still tickets left for all days of the Saturus for Harsho as we speak, although oddly, it's selling reasonably well, so you might actually have to book in advance, and

sorry to any long-term Zoltzmann fans who used to having their own row in a venue. I've had some very interesting emails sent in about, you know, some topics of great global importance like Syria and others of arguably less global importance such as Billy Corgan out of the smashing pumpkins, which was a satirical request that was sent in. And fair enough, it's about time someone satirized that savage deathbolt down a peg or two. And it's quite sent me a link to a story about Billy Coggan aged 46 starring in quotes a wrestling themed furniture ad for a wacky Chicago retailer. Which I think highlights a very important issue John and it's well done to Billy Cawgan from the smacking pumpkins for raising this and that is

that rock stars need furniture too. He's also involved in these sideboards for sex offence campaign and of course the pumpkins John imagine a big fan out rock bands broke from the early 90s were now for their density-layer guitar sound and anx-filled lyrics lyrics. But in fact, Corgens' obsession with furniture was clear in some of the Pumpkins early album tracks, including, I'm so miserable that I could do with a good sit-down, brackets on a 1930s Chesterfield city, also strangely proportioned coffee table. I'm as lovely as a Mahogany plant stand, and of course the platinum selling might penises like a well-made cupboard.

So odd things, odd things, odd things sent in. Another request was sent in, asked me to satirize sports commentary and in particular the unnecessary verbiage spouted by sports commentators. Now this is obviously another massively important issue of global social and political importance. In particular, wrote Lawrence who sent in the phrase, he's only X years of age. It winds me up no end. What's wrong with just saying he's 25? Do they feel it gives their commentary an unneeded bump of pomposity? Or do they just get special training to force the use of long-winded phrases where short ones would do? Now I thought, well, if you're going to send that complaint to anyone, I'm probably the last person in the world you want to be sending it to. And also, let's give the sports commentator some respect.

These people are the poets of the 21st century. Their arts need space to breathe. And this guy's clear the same kind of guy who complained about Shakespeare wasting 14 lines of prime sonnet banging on about how he's wondering whether or not to compare some cheeky fancies to a summer's day, when he could quite easily have bowled it down to a simple, uncomplicated, for a lord its their vehicle. Ha ha ha! Or even, you know, the Bible bangs on and on and on, you know, you could just summarize the Old Testament as... And the New Testament is basically Jesus saying, don't be a dick.

And I was like, why did all world bother writing a whole of animal farm? Where you could have just paraded around with a f*** you Stalin banner. So I guess, you know, different things mean different things to different people, John. But do email in your satirical requests, preferably about arguably more important issues than sports commentary, verbiage. Also, and yes, it's annoying when sports commentary is do that, but let us not throw out the baby with the bath water here. And let us not forget the finest moment

in sports commentary regarding someone's age, which is Sid Waddell, commentating on the dark, saying, when Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salty as, because there were no worlds left to conquer. Eric Bristol is only 27. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha crystal is only 27. A quick quiz question for you now. 16th of September, Monday, on this day in 1736, Daniel Fahrenheit, the Celebrity Temperature Scale inventor died.

It obsessed with temperatures, is scale still used for temperatures in America and used for body temperatures as well. In fact, Daniel Fahrenheit's final words were 92, 90, 87, 85, hang on, I'm feeling a bit chilly, 81, 76, or hang on, this is not looking good, is it 71, 65, speeding up, 59, 54, and I'm dead. He died on the 16th of September, 1736, or the equivalent on the Celsius scale of dying on the 2nd of July, 947. So there's a quick Daniel Fahrenheit.

That is a useless series of jokes. That has no use. What, so ever? In 246 vehicles, Andy. I don't know why that's more irrelevant than the rest of it. I think that is completely irrelevant. That's some claim you're making, John, because something that has been... It's been a lot of irrelevant.

I know, like he Fahrenheit died a long time ago, he got a bunch of lies before that, and then you're converting his death into Celsius. I think at that point you're so far removed from any purpose of a joke. You're in a new kind of philosophical limbo. So have a quick Daniel Farron Heart quiz. Which of the following is true? I, Daniel Farron Heart calibrated his famous temperature scale using such marking points as the melting point of ice, the ideal toad to bring temperature of a bath, defined as the moment that, ooh, becomes, ooh. The optimum temperature for the under-hunger squelchy, and the temperature at which an old biddy or codger starts to get really grumpy if you leave it in a car.

B, he had a lifelong fear of mushroom pizza, and at the sight of a single slice would burst into tears and hide in a cupboard shouting, no, no, even pineapple is better than this. See, his name is widely used as a derogatory term by climate change skeptics, while I was thinking by summer cottage in the countryside could be turned into a coal-fired power station, but I expect little Danny Fahrenheit would have something to say about that. Or D, Daniel Fahrenheit's favourite composer was Johannes Bon Jovinius. And here comes the answer. In fact they're all partially true. A, he did use the armpit to scale out the temperature. 96 degrees he marked out so the temperature of the human armpit. B, he probably would have feared mushroom pizza because his parents both died on the same day from eating poisonous

mushrooms which when both your parents do that you have to you really have to look at yourself and see what am I the most annoying child in the world see if that if little Danny Fahrenheit is not used like that then it should be and the Bon Jovi the actual descendants And the Bon Jovi, the actual descendants of Johannes Bon Jovi, is the 18th century Polish composer. Their second album was entitled 7800 Degrees Fahrenheit after the supposed melting point of rock. So So there we go, it's been a long week, John. **BELL RINGS** Thanks for emails, but we're not going to read anything out loud. We'll read them internally, but we've run out of time.

So we're going to have to leave the studio. Do keep them coming into info at thebugelpodcast.com. Your satirical request, if you're coming to my show, with the date you're coming on to satirize this at satirizeforhier.com and do check out our SoundCloud page, SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen bugle and well that's it. On this historic day, Lance Armstrong has just handed back his Olympic medal bronze from the time trial and Sydney in 2000 after he's admitted his spectacular drugs regime or also admitted cycling with a jetpack on his back and having swallowed a 750cc motorcycle

engine before the race and having sacrificed an illegal bull to a mighty suster make him go faster and I know but he's turning back and this is in fact the fifth effort that the ISE have made to get back his medal. The first thing he sent back was a large chocolate coin. Then a medallied one eight eight at a school fight for doing the best impression of a horse. Then an empty Coke can squished in one of those canned crushed and spray-fainted bronze and then the severed foot of a chicken. It was getting desperate by this point. But finally he has returned the actual medal and as penance he is going to return to the course in Sydney and

unicycle it backwards dressed as a pantomime syringe. So at least there's some. We're going to close that, sir. That circle has been closed. Thanks very much for listening, Bueglers. We'll be back with Buegl 247 next week. Goodbye. Bye! next week. Goodbye. Bye!