The Bugle - Bugle 248 – Anarchy in the USA

Episode Date: October 4, 2013

Andy and John have the latest on the collapse of civilisation in the US, as well as corruption updates from India and Italy Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. This is a podcast from TheBuglePodcast.com. Hello, Bugglers and welcome to issue 248 of the Bugal Audio newspaper for a visual world

and we are back on three continents. I am Andy Zoltzman in Mumbai, India, where it's 5.30pm as we record in London putting it all together, and to go here and way from the random collection of unconnected words we spew into our microphones just tugging into his lunch of snake car patch hill and buttered wrap cuisine in London has gone really weird it's Chris and joining me from way back the smorning in New York City John Oliver Hello Andy, hello viewers I'm back Andy back in New York Johnny Hollywood is back from Los Angeles.

Anywhere else in the world, Andy, humans are around 60% water. In Hollywood, they are 20% avocado and 80% bullshit. That is a biological fact. I'm actually heading back there next week to shoot some more community, which incidentally is gonna be bananas. In a good way, you know, that's not there's something being bananas can ever really be a bad thing. In a good way, you know, that's not there's something being bananas can ever

really be a bad thing. How could it be, Andy? Bananas are potassium rich and are a great slow energy release fruit. Also, they're naturally hilarious. But more importantly, Andy, how is India? Is your lassi intake in double figures yet? It's been pretty low actually.

Disappointingly low. Strong lime soda intake, that's, you know, I've only been here a few days, I've got to pace myself John, because you know too many lassies is basically hot in danger, so I've got to pace it over the three weeks that I'm here. And it's already late afternoon, early evening here, and you've got a real day ahead of you, I can tell you that from the wisdom of already having had it. If it's anything like the day I've had you'll spend it sitting in a hotel room cracking wise about news and stuff for a really cool podcast. I was looking at a hotel window at a load of buildings

in the process of going up and the load of other buildings looking like they're about to fall down as well as what looks like some luxury penthouse apartments and some very non-luxury, non-penthouse non-apartments. Welcome to Mumbai. So um, this is Bugle 248. The second ever Bugle that has been a number, then it's square, then it's cube after Bugle 111. Next up, Bugle 3927, which should our rate of approximately 40 full Bugles here. We'll be in in the year 2105 when all you lot will be dead. Dead as f***! Probably one or two of you might be clinging on desperately in a cody crash but the rest of you dead and you John and me. Chris he looks after himself he'll probably be fine by which I mean

welcome to the show. 240 else and a number of positive commandments in the Torah every single one of them tattooed on my heart A bit of botched surgery to be honest. They were supposed to be inking my wife's name there Might explain why a full on rabbi keeps turning up at our house with bunches of flowers and shouting love poems through the letterbox Rabbi simla as quoted in a Talmud and let me assert that I did not need to look this up on the internet He said that Moses received 613 commandments, 365 negative ones, like the number of days in the solar year, and 248 positive commandments corresponding to, and I quote,

a person's limbs. That seems like a lot of limbs to me, John. I might explain why my pet millipede Yitzhak won't eat his spaghetti carbonara. For those of you who are accusing me of being a bad Jew, and you're very much in the forefront of that. I think you're terrible to you. You're terrible at being Jewish. I challenge anyone to remember 613 commandments.

And if I forget the big ones, it's only because I'm so busy remembering the small ones like thou shalt not wear socks with sandals, thou shalt nots burn a high quality mozzarella, no matter how foolish they tummy be. They'll shout not rise at the first sounding of the morning alarm, but they'll shout press the snooze button, until you'd be properly rested. They'll shout be a real gruever.

They'll shout build a great wall wherever they'll bloody well wants to, and they'll shout not cover thy neighbor's car. So all the most important ones, John, right there. Top story this week. Anarchy in the USA. And I speak to you from a country and the currently without a government. And here America has become part Belgium, part Somalia in the last few days. The entire government has shut down, pointlessly, childishly, stupidly, and entirely avoidably, leaving the whole country slamming it head into walls and frustration while being justifiably angry with themselves for expecting anything better. There is absolutely

no need for this to be happening here right now, Andy, but inexplicably Congress has decided to do it anyway. And all of this is happening in protest over a barmer care. The healthcare system that was passed by the House, examined by the Supreme Court, and which is now the law of the land. The House has tried to overturn it with 42 separate votes, all of which failed, and now they've shut down the government for refusing to pass a budget which he clues funding for it. It is, at best, petulant, and at worst, an act of breathtaking, but depressingly precedented, f**k, wittery. So now, all non-essential government workers have been furloughed, which means, uh, programs

have been shut down, left-right and centre, and on the most immediately visual level, some of America's most popular landmarks have shut down. Yellowstone Park closed, Yosemite National Park, concrete in over. Jelly Stone doesn't exist, you're thinking of where Yogi Bear lived. Statue of Liberty has a hood over ahead. Grand Canyon completely filled in. They have filled the whole thing in with sawdust, Andy, just in case anyone tried to take in a legal peak at it. Is it true that if this goes on for another week, the statue of liberty will be,

we'll have to put on a full Nickab. Yes, yes, that is absolutely. I mean, it could be true. So that basically makes it a fact, Andy. This is of course just the tip of an extremely irritating iceberg. Thousands of workers are going without pay.

People living paycheck to paycheck to all are already struggling. Meals on wheels as cut back, head start has frozen, scientific research has been held up, and the lack of empathy from some conservative fundits has become mind blowing. Many have been on TV this week claiming that the effects of the shutdown

are not that bad, essentially arguing, well how can it be painful if I personally don't feel anything? And know what I'm personally acquainted with also feels anything. Look, if I couldn't do my job as a blow-viating talking head for a while, I'd simply fall back on the royalties from my books or do a few more after dinner speeches. Why can't everyone else do that? Because they're afraid of hard work. That's why. And please don't bother me with some stories. Oh boohoo! Museums and National Parks are closed. Well, I don't go to those anyway, which proves that we don't need them. Oh boohoo! So a few zoo workers get furloughed. I am not personally a panda, so why should I care?

And all of the, all of the, all of that Andy would be true. If all government did, was spend your money, give your daughter free abortions and scoop up panda shit. And I'm not saying that it doesn't do all three of those things, Andy. Extremely well. They, they, they do them well, but government does other stuff too, like say the Center for Disease Control here, who's stuff have been cut by two thirds. Now the government is shut down, meaning they'll be completely unable to monitor the beginning of flu season,

or is it otherwise known now? King now, immediately now. And if even the imminent threat of disease doesn't scare conservatives to see the United-Value of government Andy, what about something that truly does terrify them, such as Mexicans? Because the government growing into a halt has also shut down e-verify the government system allowing the companies to check the legal status of employees.

And when you add that to the Center for Disease Control closing down, it's not just Mexican streaming over the border now, Andy. It's Mexicans with the flu. Sneezing all over your plants. And think about what that means. You pick a flower, you give it to your wife, boom. Your whole family is dead. I've heard also that the entire five and a half thousand mile long border with Canada

is now patrolled by one man. Yes. When that has to, I mean America is basically on the brink of Kalat. He's got a pair of binoculars Andy, he'll be fine. So the United States of America is shit. What is the past tense of shit? Shut it, shut it, shut it, shut. And the world's self-starred number one nation has essentially voluntarily applied for

official global laughing stock status with an internal budget spout that, basically, may the ancient Greeks sit up naked in their graves and admit, well, democracy was a nice idea, but frankly, in practice, it is total shit. And I guess it just goes to show, show John the ancient saying that you can't spell Tea Party Republican without f***ing lunatic. It's a pretty bold move from Congress to do something that pisses almost everyone off on this kind of scale for no kind of rational reason. But again, that's hardly surprising. There is no incentive for them to be anything other than awful. Just look at the numbers.

Congress currently has a 10% approval rating. Apparently that is lower than the approval rating for colonoscopies, which actually makes sense because the boy you think about it, both Congress and colonoscopies deal with arseholes, but the American public can at least acknowledge that colonoscopies serve a practical function. Also, colonoscopies exist to make artholes better, Congress just seems to make them worse. And yet, Andy. And yet, even with this mere 10% approval rating, members of Congress also have a 90% re-election rate. How is that f***ing possible, Andy? And there's somehow batting 900 was striking out every time they're at bat. That doesn't obey the basic laws of mathematics. Harry Reid said, we need to act like adults.

Now many does, as you say, American democracy is clearly in a bit of a state, but it's not good when people have to say that. And also, he has to specify which adults it needs to behave like. Do not, for example, model yourself on adults such as A, B, Hulk Hogan, which is basically who they seem to have been acting like, or C, Hitler, who is in many ways much noughtier as an adult than he was as a child. Maybe act like teenagers instead, just ignore the fact that you don't really like each other and just get it all on any way. President Obama, just before the shutdown, said that he would not set a president where an extremist wing of a party holds a government to ransom. But, you know, here's

the thing, that is happening right now, Andy. The only thing he does get to decide is whether to pay the ransom or not, because the letter from the so-called suicide caucus here of 80 Republicans from safe seats that put us on the path to this mess could not have looked any more like a ransom note if each letter was cut out the pages of magazines. Now you might think, how can 80 congressmen possibly have the power to do something as incredible as this? And it's because they face no consequences, and the absolutely not. The root of this goes so deep and even though

This is absolutely a Republican tension that's being thrown here Both sides are responsible for them being able to throw it those 80 districts Well all one by Republicans with an average margin of victory of 34 percent that is unhealthily high and A shocking amount of America's congressional districts have now become completely uncompetitive All due to gerrymandering, strategically redrawing electoral maps every ten years for political gain. Gerrymandering, of course, is an old English word, meaning grouping all of the black people together. Now this is why congressional maps in America no longer resemble shapes found in nature, and instead look like they've been drawn by a baby in the middle of being burped.

They're drawn. They're drawn by whichever party controls the state house every decade when a new census is available and historically, Democrats have in fact been more guilty of this than Republicans. This sure's up safe seats, but also means that any challenges are likely to come from the extreme wing of any party, meaning the Republicans may not have to run against a Democrat at all, as the Democrats may not even bother running a candidate, but they do have to run against a Tea Party maniac pulling them even further to the right. It just makes you realise that America's democracy is even more deeply f**ked than you previously

thought in more ways than you previously thought in more ways than you were even aware of. It's awful, Andy. What's happening here is terrible. I seem to have got worse since you weren't there, John. I can't disagree with that, to be honest. And the most horrifying part of all of this is that it's about to get so much worse with the debt ceiling negotiations here in a couple of weeks because believe me, this budget shutdown is only fiscal foreplay compared to the orgy of incompetence. The sheer Brinksmann ship bang fest that is going to take place in America in a fortnight. So I guess the question is, John, will common sense prevail? And the answer is obviously

no. It's constitutionally not really supposed to. Currently, the American legislature is working about as harmoniously as a bunch of T-rexes and a bunch of Stegosaurus' arguing over who gets first bite of the nice juicy asteroid that appears to be heading their way for dinner. And basically comes down to the eternal Dick-Jowston contest that is healthcare in America.

And there are some extremely pro-opic political prongs being sharpened as we speak. And the Republicans have trying to force various compromises to stall a barmer can. Including the latest one I read about this morning, John, the right for anyone earning over $300,000 a year to shoot a poor person once a year to compensate for more of them having access to basic life-saving treatments So maybe that is the that is the

The one ray of hope maybe that will be the compromise that works So if this is not solved how is it all gonna pan out? Well, we've run this through the Bugle's predictor acts 3000 future simulator And well, it doesn't look good for the celebrity nation of 300 plus million and one time World Cup for football semi-finalist. Within a week UN peacekeepers will have been deployed to the capital there will be air drops of emergency food and some basic common sense. As you say national parks have been closed the Grand Canyon. Well first filled with sawdust and then there will be a giant infestation of guinea pigs that will have to be done with.

The Pentagon is going to run out of money by next Wednesday, leaving the US vulnerable to a pints are attacked by the new Canadian and Mexican alliance. The government hurriedly supplying extra pits forks to farmers to defend their lands. The disbanded US military will be sold piece by piece to the highest bidder, so expect some high profile transfers of forced our generals to the Chinese army or the Congolese rebels, apart from the air force, which is going to be made into a major league baseball franchise, the Washington Wing Whacklers. Mount Rushmore, and this is, I mean, this really gets the heart of it, John. Mount Rushmore under threat with suggestions that

Abraham Lincoln's eyebrows are going to be raised. George Washington, given a disapproving scowl. TJ Jefferson's mouth altered to make you look like he's about to say the second F in for fuck's sake. And Teddy Roosevelt will be replaced with Lindsey Lohan's seductive leading of banana. It is that serious, John. And also Washington National Zoo will become the de facto seat of government with a barely discernible difference but a significant cost saving. Italian government news now, and if you ever needed to feel better about your own government, traditionally, you looked to Italy. They can usually be relied upon to give you a pretty good argument for things not being quite that bad wherever you are, because when it comes

to Italian politics, the grass is always browner. The Italians nearly lost their government completely this week after Italian Premier Enrico Letter was forced to face a vote of no confidence, and this just shows how far Italy has fallen in a way, and he used to be the one Italian's didn't like a leader, it wouldn't end in a parliamentary vote of no confidence, it would end in them being hung upside down on meat hooks. But anyway, let us survive the confidence vote after the last minute you turn by who else? Sylvia Burlusconi, Andy, you can't keep a bad man down. Burlusconi is just like his own penis, just when you think it's down for good, against the odds, it gets back up. Yes, what, Italy has always been famous for various seemingly immutable things, food,

wine, arts, people smoothing in fountains, mopeds, haircare products, the nut grab, racist football hooligans, as you say hanging leaders from meathugs and changing their government like an indecisive Pope changes casics, often and also too little discernible effect. But for once, the Italian government has survived an attempt to topple it, as you say, from none other than the leathery old senior cockmonster Eesti himself, Silvio Burlusconi. Now you might have thought bugles, hang on. Is this the same Silvio Burlusconi he was recently finally sentenced to jail for tax evasion with no more chance of appeal after decades of criminal prosecutions, wasn't he also found guilty of paying a 17-year-old for sex

and a found guilty of abuse of power? Isn't he a man renowned for selflessly keeping the Italian economy afloat through his lifelong commitment to hair, dye and fake tan, as well as for a 50-year run of his hit personal game show, Where's My Wang, and his almost ruthless crusade to maintain Italian national stereotypes. Yes, that's same Silvio Burlusconi. You might think has he not stepped back quietly from the political scene to spend a bit more quality quiet time with his criminal convictions and his testicles? No, because like an industrial strength magnet on a metal boy, he just will not go away. And this week he was on the verge of bringing down the government. He threatened

to pull his party out of the ruling coalition prompting no confidence vote. But his own party turned on him, John. Basically, they turned him and said, Oh, put your penis away in shatter. And they supported the government. And now there's another nail. It seems in Burlesconi's unfeasibly still empty political coffin. In fact, coffin is about the only thing Burlusconi has not nailed in his political career. So he's taken a blow, so to speak, not for the first time. And like the unstoppable penis he A is and B owns,

you would not bet against him springing straight back up again for another chance to insert himself and his trusty trousers next sidekick into places they ethically and legally should probably stay well clear off. Well, Berlusconi's, he said, had initially promised a top of the government while withdrawing his party support, a move which prompted the Senate vote, but he then you turned and supported the Prime Minister in the last minute. So, hold on, hold on. Not even Berlusconi was willing to jeopardize the fundamental functions of government to score cheap political points.

Does this essentially mean that the US House of Representatives has a worse moral compass than Silvio Burla Sconey, aren't they? Well, not quite, to be fair. Burla Sconey only backed down when, as you said, emerged that several members of his own party were planning on backing the government anyway. So he didn't so much choose to do it as was pressured to do it. So maybe he now knows how exactly how many women he's met over his life have also felt. Indian government news now, and well this all may be nothing compared to where you are right now Andy,

because India is corrupt with a capital K. Apparently, a third of Indian MPs have criminal records. That is more than criminal record rate in the NFL, Andy, and that is really saying something. This is despite the fact that three years ago, Sonia Gandhi, a woman's surname writes checks that her political power can, in fact, cash, said, we need to build a consensus on how to prevent individuals with a criminal record from contesting elections. And that's not to say that criminals should be prevented from holding office, Andy, just criminals who get caught.

Because if you can't even get away with embezzlement or murder, why on earth should the public trust you to make decisions for them? You just look weak. One third does seem too many to me. I mean, I'm all in favour of rehabilitating criminals in back getting them back into mainstream society, but putting them all in parliament seems to be taking this concept just a little bit too far. And I'll give you a little picture of the extent of corruption in India, John. So they went to a shop to get a cup of tea. The guy wouldn't give it to me, demanded 70 Rupees for it.

I thought when in Rome. So I offered him 100 Rupees just to smooth things over. All of a sudden, no questions asked. One very nice cup of tea for Andy. Very convenient. He then briled me 30 Rupees to keep quiet about it. That shows you how deep the problem goes, John. And it puts our parliamentary penny-pinching in

perspective in Britain. £10,000 expenses, our MPs have been fraudulently claiming that, I mean, in India, people would not even contemplate getting out of bed for that. That's, in fact, in many ways, I think that would be considered honest only to take £10,000 in the end politics. It has been a couple of interesting recent cases, former Minister and Senior Congress Party MP Rashid Masood, Centre Jail for four years, for a corruption case involving admissions to medical colleges in which he was actually helping inappropriate candidates get into medical college. You would have thought someone would have noticed John, with a load of substandard doctors

flooding onto the market at the same time. How was your day love? Oh, it was fine, thanks. Did you go to your doctor's appointment? Yes, I did. Did you ask him about your chest pains? Yes, I did ask him. Did he give any medicine?

No, he just hid under his desk for a bit. Then what did he say? Oh, he said, if it's still troubling me in a week, then Smith and Tomasso catch up on my balls. Are you sure he's a real doctor? He's got a certificate that will have to do. So at another former Indian minister, Lallu Prasad Yadav sent a jail after being convicted

of embezzling state funds intended for cattle fodder, stealing food out of the mouths of cows, John. Again, people should have noticed that their cows suddenly started falling down small crevices in the Earth's crust. But absolutely extraordinary. One MP, Attic Ahmed, reportedly facing 44 separate criminal cases. And I mean, you just have to admire the guy's work rate for that. Oh, for sure. That takes... I mean, just timetabling it must be a logistical nightmare.

India is the world's largest democracy, and it did try to clean house a few years ago, but seems to have somehow just made its house even dirtier. The Supreme Court in India had ruled that any politician convicted for crimes punishable with more than two years in jail should be disqualified from office. Any crime up to two years in jail was therefore viewed as nothing more than understandable human hijinks. However, this Tuesday the law was overturned by India's cabinet after they issued an order nullifying the law to ensure that, and I quote, the governance is not adversely

affected. That is an incredible statement to make, Andy, what they're essentially saying is, we have so many criminals in office that to remove them could do lasting damage to our ability to govern. At what percentage is the tipping point, Andy? At what point? Is the tipping point where their Parliament essentially becomes a low security jail? Surely that can't be far off now. Well, to discuss this, I delighted to say with the return of the Askan Indian section of the view, which we did last time I was in India, joining us today, Varan Grover, one of India's finest stand-up comedians. So, Varan, are we being harsh on India

with all this corruption talk, or have we really underplayed it, is in fact much worse than this? No, you have underplayed it, because you don't know the reality. You are still in that hangover of, or we ruled you, so you can't be that bad. You know, like in 60 years, it's not really possible to go,

really, really bad. But things are, to that extent, that I would say, BCCI right now. Yeah, that's the Board of Cricket Control in India for American listeners. OK, yeah, they're like, you know. It's basically Cricket. Any American who not

pizza up over the years of the people. Cricket is basically baseball for people who can think. Wow, wow. In fact, cricket, if anything, cricket politics seems to be more corrupt than actual politics in India. It's almost like the only place that you can go, because you can't go to jail, not enough, you can work in cricket politics and say if you're too corrupt to be a genuine politician. No, if you're a genuine politician and you want money, you get into cricket. That's the idea. That's where the big bucks is. Yeah, that's where the big bucks are. And that's where you kind of, you get to rub shoulders

with the heroes of Indian masses like Sachen and whatever. So you get more money and you get to hang out with cricketers. Yeah, so that's that's. And you get to watch matches from the best seats in the stadium. Because it just strike me looking at some of the figures in Indian cricket politics that we're kind of lucky that they are in sport rather than at working as warlords or dictators. Well I'm sure some of these guys would I mean would quite happily kill a good 100,000 people just for fun. I mean, is that too harsh?

No, that's not true, almost true. But again, we are lucky actually that most of our politicians become big after they turn 60, 65. Otherwise, they would be captaining the team also. You never know. I mean, how much do you blame the British legacy for these... Probably not at all. A lot. What should we be saying sorry?

No, you can't do anything now. We can't. We should just go home. We already went home. Make more podcasts. Yeah, like look what happened to you after we left kind of like tone. Yeah, yeah. But, uh, nothing can be done now. No, absolutely.

That's, yeah, it's, that's, yeah. And we gave you cricket. I mean, surely that's, that's worth something. That's what it feels like. That's what, that you gave us the biggest reason to go cut up. Right. Yeah, that's one wave of looking at. I'm sure we've got a few diamonds.

We could give back to you just in some way. Yeah, even the constitution, our Indian constitution, is kind of almost like a copy with like, replace names, like that control, control P and replace and all. They just replace the names and kind of now we know that they spent like four years in that parliament making our constitution but once it was made and people compared it to the British constitution they realized they were just figuring out a way to replace the names. Right. For four years. Right. Well thanks very much for John. Do you have any final questions for our Indian this week? Well, do you know, could you not make an argument

that this just shows how much India is embracing democracy as it's embracing it in all its corrupt self-serving forms? You're actually operating at a high rate of democracy. Yeah, yeah. That's what that's what I usually say that when you know when in India and Pakistan got partitioned we got the democracy and Pakistan got a sense of humor. Right. That's what they needed. Well, that's all we got time for on this week's people no time even to touch on the glorious story of Vladimir Putin being put forward for a Nobel Peace Prize. Yep.

I mean, it's really hard to imagine news getting any better than that at any point. The world has gone crazy, aren't they? The world? You really might want to ask the people of Chechnya or Georgia about that nomination, but still. The world has gone mad. Unless they put two golden, kind of in ironic speech marks around the trophy when he picks it up,

that would be a maybe give some justification to it. So, some of the things we've overrun and not got any time for your emails this week, we'll be back next week when I'll be in Bangalore. And John, will you be in New York or... I'll be in LA. So we'll be in LA. In further apart, it'll be even more difficult to do this, Andy.

Ha, ha. Yes, I've been struggling with a rather peculiar echo this week, because I'm sorry for my usually impeccable comic timing has been slightly thrown off. Thanks very much for listening. Thanks to Varron for joining us. And we'll be back next week. Do keep your emails coming into info at

thebugelpodcast.com. Check out our SoundCloud page, SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen bugle. And at thebugelpodcast.com you can get your merch and take out your voluntary subscriptions. Until next week, goodbye. Bye! music