The Bugle - Bugle 253 – Lenin in a Dress

Episode Date: December 13, 2013

So what do the worlds leaders make of the wealth gap? It's Boris Johnson v The Pope!Plus, the police stuff the queen's nuts in their mouths and pigs react to the sale of their seed. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello, Bugleers and welcome to issue 253 of the Bugles for the We Begeting Monday, the Some Things of Thumb Things, Some Things thousand and Something Team. I am Andy Zoltzman, father of two, husband of one, slayer of zero. All those are actor at up to and including our recording tape of Friday, Slayer of Zero, all those actors up to an including our recording tape of Friday the 13th of December 2013 and joining me from his bolt hole of Badenage in New York City. It's the lancer of bombastic boils, the popper of zeitgeist zits, the squelcher of the cysts of self-interest, and the prickler of the postulent pimples of political pomposity, all then beautified with his patented face back of funny. It's John, the topical torpedo Oliver.

Hello Andy. Hello, Buglers. Andy, Cricket is dead. Yeah, it's dead, right? Cricket is dead now. Buglers who are unaware of the Englander playing Australia in the Ashes series. And Englander playing the game. Basically, their new technique, I seem to be to smash themselves in the face with a cricket bat.

Yeah. Until they fall over. Yeah. That seems to be what they're doing Andy, would that be fair? Well I say for our American listeners it's sort of the equivalent of weighing them playing a baseball team, going up to bat, standing at home like looking confident at the plate, and then just as the picture holds the ball of them them just smashing themselves in the nuts with their backs. That's basically what England is doing at the moment. But what makes this different from when I was growing up John and through the 80s and in the 90s England were often get thrashed but then they weren't very good whereas now England actually have a very good team and they're now getting thrashed again. Yeah it's different isn't it?

I've learned the fact that things move on. Yeah. You blame her dying? Definitely. I think that's true. They're two griefs dricken. Ever since that just had passed, the England cricket team hasn't got been assigned.

They scrapped the other than the results and the sum of it. I think they just can't, they just can't, can't, can't. It's really hit them that she's gone. Yeah. Oh, she's gone. So this is bugle 253. For the week beginning Monday, the 16th of December, 2013, which means it's five years ago on Sunday,

in fact, Sunday, the 15th. Five years since my son popped out all over the bathroom floor. Oh, wow. Yep. Wow. As long term bugles would remember, just just, it's all coming flooding back. Anyone thinking of having a child be warned? Probably worthwhile, but it is f***ing disgusting at the time.

240 years, John, since the Boston Tea Party, 16th of December, 1773. Another mess. Yeah. Just shows a difference between our nations in Britain and Tea Party involved in ice cup of tea, maybe some scones that pay bring over a personal regrets for the sake of polite conversation and the biscuits. America, maritime security beach and wastage of valuable consumer goods. The terrorist attack our tea, John, I've got some of the new track headlines from the tabloids of the day. Couple load of this. Brew must be joking. Leaf us alone.

T.H. Rebels, Cock, Snook, and King with T-Tip Terror. And the Times of London went with large amounts of T-dropped into Boston, Harbour, as taxation becomes significant point of difference between Britain and the locals. Happy birthday, Ludwig Van Beethoven. 243 years old today. Very much the robin thick of his day, oddly. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha so that he doesn't have to hear that. Very similar positions of influence within the musical stratosphere. You know, let's not be judgemental just because bass I wouldn't have, you know, all his works weren't laced with misogyny.

That's not qualitative, qualitative thing to do with their music, John. By the way, you played Beethoven 6 for the first time though, Andy, he did have naked ladies just waggle around the piano. Right. It was a marketing thing mainly, it was not about the music, it just kept people to watch. Yes that's the way it goes. As always a section of Google is going straight in the mean this week can audio advent calendar. Here are all your audio advent calendar openings for this week do play this bit one day at a time over the course of the week. Monday the 16th of December a tree covered in snow. Tuesday the 17th a bell Wednesday the 18th a holly leaf Thursday the 19th a snowman with

no visible penis. Friday the 20th a Christmas pudding or bomb heart or tell. Saturday the 21st a different bell, Sunday the 22nd, an angel looking Randy. Or could be looking holy, it's not very well-drawn. So, it's got a cheap advent calendar. Next week, the 23rd and 24th, and you're free, audio Christmas puppy. Top story this week, mind the wealth gap. America's wealth gap has demonstrably, Andy, taken on a grand canyon level to it. It is on track to become a natural wonder of the world, and anyone who manages to jump over America's wealth gap in the future, Andy, is almost guaranteed sponsorship by Red Bull.

But according to Bloomberg National Poll, the widening gap between Rich and Poor is eroding faith in the American dream. Incidentally, Michael Bloomberg, who owns the company that took that poll, has a personal wealth of $31 billion. So he's not just a hand, but also a huge fucking shovel widening that gap himself.

But you know, that's not the point here. It's a much bigger, better point, but it's not the one we're looking at. By almost two to one, 64% to 33%. Americans say the US no longer offers everyone an equal chance to get ahead. Now, it is arguable, of course, whether it ever truly did,

but I certainly think it's fair to say that the American dreamers become even harder to actually dream now without reality creeping in. Oh, this amazing dream. Sweet, I was working in a factory and I was working really hard. And I was hoping to get a promotion, maybe up into management of some kind, but then I didn't get it. So I worked even harder than I didn't get it again.

So I tried dreaming really, really hard in my dream to get ahead in life. And it just started to seem impractical in the economic climate. So I tried dreaming of flying instead, but I couldn't get my feet off the ground. And then I woke up. Sorry, did I say I had an amazing dream? I mean, to say I had a plausible dream. Well, it's become quite indefinible now the 21st century American dream. It seems to me to be something that you can't quite remember when you wake up possibly involving the vague sensation of chasing a shadow

A monster down an endless corridor whilst needing a wee and being unable to find the trousers Or maybe something about your children asking you something really important but not being able to speak Speak and give them an answer, but just moving them out up and down then waking up to find out that they've left home without telling you and Emigrated that seems to be basically what it is now. The statistics, the statistics really don't stop being shocking though. Last year, the richest 10% of Americans earned more than a half of all income.

Andy, those are near revolution in choosing numbers. If Wall Street bankers had the size style ornately clipped hedges outside their penthouse apartment buildings, I think people in this country might actually be waxing the blades on some guillotine right now. The incredible thing is that the poll goes on to show that American people are less concerned about this wealth gap than you might reasonably expect, only 45% of Americans say that new policies and needed in response to this, while 46% say

it would be better to allow the market to operate freely even if the gap gets wider. Wow! And that is a level of faith in the free market that is almost admirable. That's like someone dying of cigarette-induced lung cancer and smoking even more cigarettes on their deathbed, saying, Oh, don't worry, doctor, I have faith that tobacco companies are just not going to let this happen to me. There was understandably though less faith demonstrated by those making less than $50,000 a year here in America when they were asked, 73% to 24% they said the economy is unfair, but still Andy, who is that 24%? That is still essentially a quarter of people saying, no, I pretty much deserve to be getting screwed right now,

I've brought this on myself. Unless, unless those 24% polls were actually being sarcastic. It's saying, oh of course the economy is fair. What could be fair about it? It's so fair. Put me down for thinking this is the fairy system in the entire universe. That is the problem with polls, Andy.

They just, they don't record tone of voice. That's why they're fundamentally flawed. There is, there's an interesting psychological relationship that Americans have with money, or more specifically the lack of it. The problem is Americans are inherently optimistic people and that can be a real problem. Americans in the top 5th of income make 16.7 times the income of those in the bottom 5th and yet less than half of Americans think the wealth gap is a problem.

The simple psychological explanation, Andy, is that everyone, even the poorest Americans have a tendency to assume that one day they're gonna be the richest Americans, and they don't want their hypothetical wealth to be taxed in the future. They're protecting income that doesn't even exist yet. There's that great quote from John Steinbeck,

where he says, socialism never took root in America because the poor see themselves not as an exploited proletariatariat but as temporarily embarrassed millionaires. Americans are just so excitedly optimistic, Andy. Hope is their kryptonite. The WorldCap has been in the news a lot recently, partly because President Obama delivered a major speech about the WorldCap recently highlighting the problem and saying that something needed to be done about it.

As if he'd slightly forgotten that he was the current president. That's something that he could maybe have a bash of solving, were he so inclined. I wonder, I actually wonder now how many times a day he says, oh, someone should really do something about this. Before someone in the save room has to touch him gently on the arm and say, yeah, Mr. President, that person is still actually you at the moment. Really? Before saying, God have you seen that Danish leader, man, what a system.

The Pope has waded in. John Ease wrote just a few weeks ago in November. There's some pretty scathing words about the world's current economic priorities. He said, just as the commandment thou shalt not kill to clear limit in order to safeguard the value of human life. Today, we also have to say thou shalt not to an economy of exclusion and inequality such an economy kills. And the responses to that are basically to say, A, well clearly, you're not earning enough Mr Pope, and B, you are leaning in a dress. Well, we started just that though, and because the problem

with that, interesting sentiment, you know, heartfelt sentiment, really looking out for the most vulnerable members of society, the problem with that is it's difficult to make points about income gaps, however well-intentioned from the Vatican. Andy, it's hard to make nuanced points about the poor when your house is basically solid gold. And I know it's not his house, Andy. I know it's not his house. I know he's not comfortable with the trappings of the papacy,

but that does not remove the fact that there are a a f*** of a lot of trappings behind him whenever he speaks. A f*** of a lot, Andy. And it's a... Nice trappings, the Catholic Church. Nice trappings, and you know, he does seem to be less enamored of the trappings than some of his rather trapping addicted predecessors.

But, and I guess another problem that popes in general as a profession of had is that they often this message of Christian equality and community gets lost between other messages such as, don't put your penis in there, don't wrap it up either, don't be happy if you like people with the same number of ovaries and or testicles as you, burn in hell suckers, burn in hell. But this, this Pope appears unafraid to Bach at some of the smartly dressed burglars of the capitalist world. The London Mayor, Boris Johnson, has also been talking about his,

the fact that he basically has no problem with super wealth, but he did say that he wants it to be a little more socially responsible. He said this, I hope that this time the Gordon Geckos of London are conspicuous, not just for their greed, valid motivator, though greed may be for economic progress. Oh, what a happy sentence that is. As for what they give and do for the rest of the population. Now, on the previous form of Gordon Geckos of London, hoping for them to give back and do more for the rest of the population, it's about as optimistic as hoping for a lion

to make the skin of the zebra it's just killed into a rumpus suit for a disadvantaged baby. It is not gonna happen. It's gonna eat that zebra hole and then it's gonna shit it and then it's gonna look for another zebra. To me this is basically expecting this level of economic compassion from these Gordon Geckhoes. It's like giving leather face a new chainsaw and politely asking for him to use it only for gardening. Now no masaka's leather face, no, no, not even a bit of a masaka. Just the topiary on the plants, not the people, yes, not even if you dress them up as plants first, right?

Agreed? Here you go, happy birthday, read the manual, make sure you keep the chain well oiled. Best of luck. Why are you charging me with that chainsaw? Ow, that hurts. Do I fucking look like a private hedge? Ow, evidently I do. Let the face, you really disappoint me. Ow, ow. It is an amazing thing to say that the Gordon Gecko's of London could help promote economic growth.

It does seem in listening to that, Gordon Gecko is a hero character to Boris Johnson. Was he watching a different movie to me there, Andy? Did anything Wall Street was actually a heartwarming film about people doing their best? Does he watch It's A Wonderful Life and Love It right up until the end, where there's a one-man bailout and the system's not allowed to correct itself? It was Boris Johnson, again, for those buglers, I don't know. He's the current Mayor of London and professional buffoon.

And he delivered this speech in the Margaret Thatcher lecture, which probably already have had people bracing themselves slightly. You can't act surprised when you hear something horrific, when they call something the Margaret Thatcher lecture. You should have already strapped yourself into your chair and had a vomit bucket nearby. But even with those parameters, this particular speech was something special. He argued that inequality is essential to fostering the spirit of envy and hailed greed as a valuable spur to economic activity.

That's not the speech of a politician, Andy. That is the speech of a cartoon villain. In fact, it's only the speech of a politician in a Batman movie delivered at an overblown cocktail party before the came crusader comes smashing into the skylight. It's not the most optimistic view of how humanity and economics works. It's basically saying our system does work sometimes, but it only works when people are f**ked. Or whatever the opposite of refreshing is to hear him actually say it out loud. He argued that it was, yeah, he was defreshing.

It was a deeply defreshing experience. He argued that it was futile to try to end inequality and went on to mock the 16% a quote of our species with an IQ below 85 claiming that we should be doing more to help the 2% of the our species with an IQ below 85, claiming that we should be doing more to help the 2% of the population who have an IQ above 130. Although after a comment like that, he may be unpleasantly surprised that he's in fact

deep down in that 16%. He then made a chilling, if slightly baffling comment, when he said, the harder you shake the pack, the easier it will be for some cornflakes to get to the top. This guy is not a mayor Andy, he's a f***ing sociopath. Yeah, I don't know what packets of cornflakes he's been buying either. That's some weird physics going on in his breakfast cereals. I did a political discussion at the glamorous Nottingham Trent University recently, and I

got into an argument with a conservative MP about taxation of the wealthy and of big business, and he was making the point that those were the broadest shoulders of bearing the heaviest burden. That's clearly an outright statistical lie. I guess it's like, clearly, the rich do maybe have paid a greater volume of tax, but in terms of the impact on their lives, it's a pinprick compared to a bullet in the kneecap. I guess it's like, if you take a stake off the tasting menu of a gourmand in a Michelin star restaurant, he might be a bit annoyed,

but he'd take a few grains of rice off a starving African child. It might starve to death. Now the glutton has lost by far the greater quantity of food, so by the logic of today, he is the one who is bearing more of the burden. Therefore, he is the one who is suffering true pangs of hunger, partly because the rice child is now dead. But the point stands, the point stands, John. The truth is, Andy, that no one in the US is as poor as their current government anyway, who are up to the wazoo in debt and having to hide behind a couch every time a Chinese person comes to the front door. It's hard to pick an individual problem that Congress has, Andy. It's a smog as bored of dysfunction with each issue more horrendous than the last. Congress truly is the people's house, in that it's slightly falling apart and no one inside

it can get along. But it's hard to even talk about money with Congress as they haven't passed a budget for the government for nearly half a decade now, and yet, Andy, in a shocking move of basic legislative competence. The House of Congress actually passed a budget this week for the American government for the first time since 2009. The Republicans and Democrats have been tearing each other apart over this, even shutting down the government completely a couple of months ago, but for now at least there seems to be a fiscal truce. And a Democrat patty Murray who led the negotiations with

the Democrats said she hoped that this would heal some of the wounds in Congress. Oh, really, patty, heal your wounds. Because again, let's be clear, any wounds Congress has been self-inflicted. You have been legislatively self-harming like to press teenagers for the last two years. And while you're rubbing lotion on your scratches, the rest of the country's been bleeding out after you shot it in the face with a f***ing bazooka. It's been so long, Andy.

Since the American government had a budget, I'd forgotten that budgets were something that American governments could have. And now, I can't work out if this is just a basic deal of it's some sort of witchcraft. Did each side stand around a cauldron and throw in pages and pages of their demands? And now I can't work out if this is just a basic deal of it's some sort of witchcraft. Did each side stand around a cauldron and throw in pages and pages of their demands? Add eye of toe, tail of mute, mumble something about pentagons, drink the contents of the cauldron

and then vote. Burn these witches Andy, burn them I say. This budget deal has been greeted by commentators here as a huge step forward, as this guarantees that the federal government should not shut down for two years. But does that not really show just how low the buffer success is now here? Oh, hey everybody, great news! The most powerful government on the planet shouldn't collapse for 24 whole months! The system works!

We did it! That's the American Dream, John. That is exactly the same thing. It is cheese and juiced American dream. Both sides though have since been complaining that this is not the deal that they wanted, but isn't that the f***ing point, Andy? It's a compromise. That's what it's supposed to be.

It's just, it's been so long since the last compromise. Everyone's forgotten what a compromise is supposed to feel like, and it's supposed to feel slightly shitty. You know it's worked if no one's happy. If the feeling of triumph is instead replaced with a sense of, oh well, I guess that'll just have to do. This deal basically sets US government funding levels at just over a trillion dollars for the next couple of years, slap bag in the middle of what the two sides wanted.

And one report on CBS said, many Senate Democrats are weighing in to say that they don't think the deal is perfect, but that they can live with it. Exactly, Andy. That's the point. It's the same conversation every woman in her late 30s has with herself, as she looks at the man, looks at the man she's on a dinner date with and says, look, he's not perfect, but I can live with it Compromise Is key Andy it's key to any dysfunctional marriage. There's no more dysfunctional marriage than Congress

You might not like each other but you have to live under one roof and you keep it together for the kids Congress just needs to understand that America is the kids and it's on the sucked it up and scaled down their dreams Queen money news now and nothing will highlight a wealth gap quite like a monarchy and they literally wear solid gold hats And look the queen loves money. We know that there's no point denying it. She loves it so much. She put her face on it. But for someone who has an actual throne to sit on, she's surprisingly frugal with money. The news of the World Hacking Trial uncovered an amazing story. The police in Buckingham Palace had been told to leave the Queen's nuts alone. That needs further explanation, Joe.

Well, because this initially seemed like an absolutely huge story, that the Queen of England has actually been a king in drag for the last half a century. And I have to say, wouldn't have been a total surprise to me, Andy, I could kind of see it. That wasn't actually it. The story was that the Queen marked the level in bowls of nuts left around barking a palace because he was irritated with police officers eating them. I mean that is what a story, Andy. Yeah.

What an amazing story. I don't know if that reflects well or badly on Britain. So how far we've declined and advanced as a nation. And apparently she had a memo sent out to offices in the palace telling them to keep their sticky fingers out. And that is close to basically just saying, tell these peasants to stop touching my things. Don't even look at them, you're making them dirty with your eyes. This all came out in an email from Clive Goodman, an ex-royal editor at the News of the World,

an email he sent to his editor which explained, Queen Furious about police stealing bowls of nuts and nibbles left out for her in apartments in Buckingham Palace. She has a very savory tooth and staff leave out cashews, bombay mix, almonds, et cetera. Problem is, please on patrol eat the lot. She started marking the bowls to see when the levels dipped. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Listen, I don't, she's just an old lady. the lot. She started marking the balls to see when the levels dipped.

I said, she's just an old lady until she is. Well, she does have the the Royal Snack Masuriate, who accompanies her all times around the palace, marking with a special silver quill that was handed down from Charles II on all snack balls. It's a position that existed since George I, God, I know that everyone's stealing his cheesy watches in the early 18th century. And of course, he's on any old nuts, John. I mean, you know, you might as well as just an old woman getting concerned about some cashew nuts, but it's not, they're not just cashew nuts. They're not any of, the Queen's special nuts, John,

made from the desecrated testicles of unicorns, the withered husks of triffid seeds and the fossilised eyeballs of orphaned teradactyls. They're basically what's been keeping her and her mummy alive so unnaturally long. 87 bullshit, no one lives that long. The last thing we want to see, John, is a generation of a mortal police officer, to meet magic unicorn balls. I don't think Britain can afford that. And what else are these thieving coppers stealing from our defenseless old pension of monarch? Sorry, the one who are heavily defended pension of monarch. What are sectors,

crowns, where will engine, ceremonial swords, knickers, bras, queen victor, his old mechanical f**k, she didn't really have one of those, did she? She didn't. She didn't have one of them. But sorry, so that's what they're stealing from. If they were stealing nibbles from ordinary noras and norases and then old people to them, that's one thing. These old codgers and cods are, they're of no real further practical use to the nation. So that's fine, but stealing food from the quaint John, you know, she's on a special nut-only diet.

They have been pumping her with life giving Squirrel DNA and she needs those nuts to survive. Let's not forget, the Sixth died at 15 in the 16th century because all the guile was jalapeno flavoured monastermunch and some dickhead cardinal used up his entire supply of fuel to burn a Catholic at the stake on. That's what they're sent to him about Snacks, John. She's more squirrel than woman now Andy. Oh yeah. Yeah. What this is just an amazing story. Apparently when we say that the story is a massive piece of title John Is that what you're saying? I'm saying that I'm saying that she has an amazing amount of nuts in a mouth

From that what you will Andy Well, I've here's that you are never coming back to this country You can't burn a bridge that's already ash Apparently when this story was read out in court this week, there was huge laughter followed by Justice Sanders telling the jury that the claim the officers were stealing was and I quote an unproven allegation. Now, honestly, this whole phone hacking scandal might actually have been worth it Andy, just so we could find this out

because I can no longer look at the Queen's face in photos or on banknotes without picturing it screaming, get your hands off my f**king nuts! Ha ha ha! What a story! Ha ha! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Nelson Mandela Memorial Sign Language Bullshit News Now and the more of her, Nelson Mandela, was, I mean, it's really a whole thing has been overtaken by the controversy over the man who was doing the signing for it, who it turned out basically was just signing total and utter

gibberish. Basically, it didn't know, it's clear to not know what he was doing. Subsequently, he claimed that he had been visited by angels and was hallucinating at the time, and the company from which he was hired basically disbanded and disappeared. And the other way around first detail to this story that are absolutely, absolutely spectacular. Quite aside from the fact that he didn't even know basic signs for thank you or Mandela, both of which you would have thought

would have been quite useful on that occasion. Even if you had never done it before, you would at the very least learn those two things. But it also turned out that the standard fee for a sign-in turp to apparently is between 131700 Rand a day, which I think is I don't know about 160 dollars maybe a bit more maybe 200 dollars. But this guy's being paid around about half that 800 800, 800 rent. And ordinarily, you switch your sign interpreters about every 20 minutes to maintain their concentration levels. This guy was on stage for the entire four hour long service. Oh my God. There

is a time I know we're living tough economic times. And there is a time and a place for belt tightening. But when the entire planet is watching you bid farewell to the greatest citizen your country has probably produced. I think it's worth stretching the extra 50 quid for at least one person who knows what the f*** they're doing and ideally stretch a couple of hundred and get to. That's, I just, I just think with, with hindsight, that was worth it. The deputy minister for women, Henrietta Boggapanezulu said, it was bad, see acknowledged.

Was he a fake? No. Does he have the training? He has only the introduction to the training. So, oh no. This, yes. I mean, it's not, it was good for the neutrals, but possibly not what the occasion to mind.

But I'm on in favour of giving people opportunities to learn on the job. I mean, when I booked John for the bugle, he'd never even done a podcast, but look at him now, he's doing, doing fine, even started doing some puns. I've noticed. In fact, I had a report via Twitter that you did a full run of puns on the daily show this week. There's no way that's true. Really? There's no way that's true. There was, I'm going to at least, a couple of people suggesting that.

There's no way. Nope, nope, they have clearly mishearing, Andy. Punn free since 183. You sound like your... That's... Your team will be happy. Going out on a delusive puns. A blaze of the opposite of glory. Yeah.

It was initially this story seemed extremely funny. Someone basically waving their arms around like one of Madonna's backing dancers in the Vogue video. There is something quite appealing about a man claiming he's a sign language interpreter walking up there essentially saying don't worry, sign language is 95% confidence. But the more details that came out, the more troubling the story became because it turns out this man with full security clearance to stand three feet from the press of the United States. Actually, I may have experienced a skit-to-frenic episode

during the event, and a mix that he has become violent during such episodes in the past. And the agency that employed him, as you say, has since disappeared. He said, he had a breakdown during the four hours of interpreting. And he started to hallucinate about angels coming down into the crowd saying, I started knowing that I am not real because it's not something possible. But believe me, I saw them coming on stage from that moment I was not myself. He went on to say that he was concerned for the safety of people in the stadium, and he was absolutely aware that he was not signing correctly. And after say Andy, if that's true, if he saw angels flying into the stadium,

I actually think he signed amazingly well, because I'd have been significantly more freaked out in his position. LAUGHTER But also, while Obama was on, and there must have been a load of... sort of deaf tea party members thinking, this is the best speech Obama has ever made, ever. MUSIC best speech Obama has ever made. Ever. [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪

Your emails now, we have a great email here from Bruce who says, Dear Chris and Owl, just thought I'd email him before John's schedule caused another 16 week hiatus. Fuck you, Bruce. I've been busy. On the subject of pig semen, another pricey ejaculate. Great start. It's my email. I wanted to enlighten you in the world, which absolutely no one refers to

as the one's the two-she-two-she-splack-a-jing. Okay. I'm a farmer, he says. Brackets, yes, that's still a thing. Touchy, touchy, splack-a-jing, isn't it, rather than two-she-two-she-two-she-jing? Oh, yeah, that probably makes a lot more sense. He says, I'm a farmer, brackets, yes, that's still a thing. And I'll regularly end up having animals, usually cows and sheep artificially insuminated. So I'm fully aware of the cost of one bull gasm. One serving typically runs to the price. Yes, yes. He's a farmer, Andy.

He knows better than you. Rosy, the price of about 50 pounds for five milliliters of concentrated top quality pedigree white girls. And it's like a high-end vintage whisky. LAUGHTER And if you work out, he says that each bovine money shot is around five cubic litres in volume, which is then done which is for sale.

5-centrelators rather than 5-centrelators. 5-centrelators. 5-centrelators. That's... Oh, goodness, me. What? Milk wreckage. You're done, eh?

You're done, eh? You're dealing with. Anyway. I don't know what nature document is. You've been watching it. Yes. I don't know, it's the nature document, I just googled a video. Is it diluted for sale? You arrive at the fact that every time your bull does his thing,

you can collect over 2,000 pounds. Multiply that by three times a day, four times a week, and you've got a bull earning 24,000 pounds a week and I had some 1.2 million pounds per year with two weeks off because everyone needs a holiday. I can't speak for pigs, but I'm sure there'll be a princely sub on their poor science swimmers as well. Yours, ruralie, brute, mcconicky, more like a year, Scotland. That is, wow.

Well, that's a lot of information in there, alongside a lot of silliness. I can see now that's, you know, well, you know, when money, those sums of money are involved, and obviously, you know, you lower your ethical guard a little bit. Whilst you're on the animals and their balls,

I learned about a horse this week called Samson. Born in 1846, renamed in 1848 as a mammoth because he was so big. He became the biggest horse of all time, weighed 1.5,000 kilos, 21.5 handsands high and he was gilded at 18 months because his balls were already the size of soft balls. What a horse. What a horse. He could have fed half a France brother, sound of it. This email came in from Paul Key. All right, so dear John and Andy,

I wish to complain about your section about the landmark British trade deal to sell pig seam into China. I think you were out of order to lamping what is clearly an important deal both for the British economy and for the quality of pork being produced in China at the world's largest pork eating market. Just because the store involved pig seam and you two supposed satirists go full range to the more infantile excesses of your humour,

doing little credit to yourselves or the bugle. Moreover, you run the rest there. If everyone lampoon serious deals such as this one with this level of playground comedy, future similar arrangements could be jeopardised. This is a particularly good turn to me because I am a pig. And I need deals like this to get my rocks off. I'll get horny as hell cooped up in my style day. And I wasn't being relieved of my piggy burden in order to make money for my own or frankly I don't know what the f*** I do. I have hoved so frankly anything or anyone that can bring me to my point of personal issue that isn't rubbing my poor guy in prong against a trough has to be a good thing. Please bear this in mind in future from Paul Key. Paul Key. Paul, sorry Paul Key. This actually email came in from

Jared in Boston. Dear Andy John and Chris in order of likely to be offended by the below mentioned observation. I have been repeatedly told by professors that quotes brevity is the soul of wit I have become concerned that the bugle might not have a soul please discuss Well in response to that I'd say You're a Moving on. This one came in from Ben, dear Andy Christian John, I'm sure it's already been brought to your attention. But India has recently banned homosexuality in a worrying jutter back towards the Middle Ages.

Can either of you gentlemen comment on the amusing shape of the Supreme Court building where this legislation was passed and he sent an aerial photo of the Indian Supreme Court which of all the buildings we have been sent pictures of I think arguably could be the most cock and bullsy of the lot. I think you, because other buildings still kind of look like a group of buildings. This only looks like a penis. It's even got what looks like another circular building on the end of the shaft of the main building as if it was escaped from its tip. You first see it and you think, oh, there's a penis. Then you think, are there people living in that penis?

Then you say, oh, I guess that could be a building. Oh, it's a penis. Then you think, are there people living in that penis? Then you say, oh, I guess that could be a building. Oh, it's a supreme court. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER For officials, Continues Burn, who bracket superficially seem to dislike other men's ingorgated swang dongles. Nice. Do you think they may merely be displacing

repressed feelings in the manner of many people who publicly hear spells homophobia, but really really love cock? I'm not that familiar with Indian politics, but it is from what I have seen on my trips there, absolutely fucking crazy. So let's not rule anything out, but I'm questioning the Indian Supreme Court building is certainly writing checks that it's anti-homosexual legislation. Well that's it for this week's Beagle do keep your remarks coming into info at thebeaglepodcast.com don't forget to check out our SoundCloud page SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen Beagle and you can get your volumetric frictions and your Bugle merch at thebuglepodcast.com so John this is going to be your last week on the on the daily show coming up.

Yeah, yeah I know, very weird, very strange. Are you going to be ritually sacrificed at the end of it? That's usually how most correspondents go out. I've just got a hope that the smoke reassembles itself into a functional human being. Haha. Christmas Carol time, or so had some,

some carol singers came around singing, I don't really like Christmas carols, but some carol singers came around to my house or was a top Chinese snooker player, a mafia boss, Maccalease the former president of Ireland and the ghost of the revolutionary market trotsky I greeted them all very warmly Ding dong merry Leon hi how are you all? That's it for this week. Is this on? Is it is this on? That's it just one off just in and out

In and out. Don't I'm not second any criticism for you on this now, John. That will teach bugleers for listening to the end of this. You've taught people a key lesson there. bail out before the goodbyes. Bye-bye! Bye! Bye-bye! Bye-bye! Bye-bye!