The Bugle - Bugle 255

Episode Date: January 3, 2014

Andy and John learn what the French get up to on New Year's Eve and offer some predictions for the new year. Plus the good ship SS Zaltzman is launched. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello, Bugles and welcome to the first Bugle of 2014. Bugle S.U.255 for the week beginning Monday, 6th January, 2014, with me Andy Zoltzman live in London, a city with yet another complete year under its belt as the biggest city in Britain. Take that Lincoln, no way to be seen yet again, and in New York City USA. It's the renowned dog owner, laps Brit and no time victim of a career ending rodeo riding injury. The Susan Sarandon aside swipes, the Brigitte Bardot of Bob's, the Dorothy Dandridge of Diggs, had to look that one up, Diggs not Dandridge big fan.

The Greta Garbo of Get Out of Here's the Farrah Force of Q's and the Slitsky's lights give it some zingers. That was the list Taylor's real name. Only with a slightly lower wardrobe budget. It's John Oliver. Hello Andy. Hello, Puglas. Just American Puglas you should know the way Andy says, you link in there.

He's talking about a town in England, not the great president. Well, let's let the Pugas make up their own mind about that job. What happened New Year to one and all, we've officially collectively kicked 2013 in the balls and run away, but not before filming it on our phone and uploading it to YouTube under the title 2013, huge nut shot. I was in San Francisco for New Year's Eve to stand up where I have missed the countdown on stage the last few years. This year Andy, I changed it up.

I instead was taking Leigh starting it quite significantly too early. At least keeping with the John Oliver promise regarding a New Year's Eve performance Andy. If you spend it with me, you are guaranteed inaccurate timekeeping. You can take that to the bank. It won't be open. You'll be too early or late. 2014 is the Chinese Year of the Horse. So let's just hope that it is a race horse of a year

and not one of those Romanian horses that are ground down and sold as beef in British lasanias. Ha ha ha ha ha. Yes, I mean, there are horses and there's horses, John. And horses for courses, the courses could be, as you say, race courses or maybe a main course. How's your Christmas, John? How's your... Oh, it's fine. American Christmas. It was fine. Yeah, that's right. Once again, I'll continue, not necessarily putting Christ at the centre of Christmas, Andy he instead putting a snooze at the centre of Christmas. So where did you put Christ?

Would he stuck out on the wing? Way staffed of possession. I think that's what I'll put him on the bench, all on the bench. Benched Christ at Christmas. Controversial but you know it's a results business so that's all you've done. So this is bugle 255, 255 of course the first thing that Ace French artist Auguste wrote down, used to say to himself every morning when he woke up and counted his hands and then the fingers on each of those hands and then said, to 55, I'm going to sculpt me up a storm today. Only one anniversary of any relevance to this week's Bugle. John, as I'm sure you very well, no 30 years ago on Monday.

6 January 1984, a doggy was born, a little black, labrador called Tash, a doggy that would change the world, or at least a doggy that would steal and eat a complete box of chocolates from my mother. Sorry, I still can't talk about it, it's still too raw. As always, a section of the Google is going straight in the bin. This week, I have four people to look out for in 2014 in the field of science professor Al Gore-Jovt set to be the big celebrity surgeon this year an organic cosmetic tweaker espacilist who discovered that drinking the juice of 20 lemons every meal works basically

the same as having a facelift giving you that I've just eaten something disgusting look that celebrities would and do kill for in the world of nature we suggest that you look out for a rising star. Frighting Van Snijtser South African animal combater, the first man ever to train a zebra to kill a lion. Quite whether all zebras can be told up with AK-47s remains to be seen, but he's shown that at least one zebra can be. It's a huge psychological win for the stripy horse alike, thanks to Van Snites, and it's team from Vittsokventane University, who of course included Dr. Skalkin of

Andevap and Virus Hoogsnik. In sports look out for Dandelay Prink, big step up to the Major Leagues for Prink, Tariffey Young Baseball, the best known so far for his heroic effort to rescue a giant mole from the middle of the stadium. In a minor league baseball game turned out to be the pictures mound and the game had to be abandoned off the Prink, a dug through the mound, shouting, hold on, I'm coming for you. but it was a brave and selfless effort from the albuquerque Philanderas leadoff hitter out there in the robin thick memorial stadium and the crucial 8th thinnings against the jazzy city Gentiles this year of course all sets a prank after his big move to be a key man to the new m ob franchise the whiskons and winters and in the arts do look

out for de moon scowder. The refunk jazzyclistic, electric guitar style, one of the leading post music anti-musicians on the circuit right now, whose Miss Anthropic 21st Century takes on classic Christmas carols, top of charts in all four hemispheres last month, including once enrolled David City, stood a bunch of obvious c**ts. I saw three ships come sailing in, and they're all packed to the gullels with our souls, and deck the halls with piles of shit. Those are your four to look out for in 2014. How Andy, you have laid down a marker for 2014 and you'll stock your family flag into

a mound of bullshit there. Well John, you know, a new year often brings with it, brings hope, but it also brings uncertainty and sometimes people need to be reminded that no matter what difficulties they're on the world Some things you can always rely on Top story this week should old acquaintance be forgot And her, my part, you'll find Good old acquaintance, my Jever for the sake of old man's wine Ha ha ha!

Bugle 2014 launch special! So, Andy, we are two days deep into 2014, so how's it been so far? Well, perhaps we should look at the global aftermath of New Yazese celebrations first, because nothing says hope for a new year, more than low-paid workers sweeping a combination of confetti, vomit and tears off streets around the world. In France, the government there claimed their first victory of 2014 saying that on I quote, only 1,067 vehicles were set a place on New Year's Eve around the country. So it's the rest of the world said, hold up, what do you mean only?

How many cars is a regular number to be ignited on New Year's Eve? Is this some kind of French tradition? Do you pile up cars into a combustible bonfire and then probably use the heat to do some high-end baking. What could be more French than one man in a beret standing next to a burning car before reaching inside and pulling out a perfectly baked baguette? Well, apparently and incredibly this is actually a kind of French tradition, a long standing one dating all the way back to the ancient 1990s. And it's become, and I quote, a modern New Year tradition for some young revelers. All traditions are strange, Andean. To be fair, is this one really anyweirder? Some people like to cross hands

with one another and sing a song that no one really knows the words to. Some people like to gather in a freezing square that isn't a square and watching illuminated bull descend a building before kissing a stranger. And some people like to set fire to park cars. Who's to say which of those technically makes more sense? Well yeah I'm not in a position to criticize anyone for strange traditions. I had the end of my penis chopped off when I was eight days old. So I really do not have elect to stand there. But this was the interior minister of France, Manuel Valls, claimed that this was this figure of 1067 cars, was a significant reduction

of more than 10% compared to the number of cars set up for last New Year's Eve. And this leads you to what, worry John, is France losing its edge as a nation? Because there are some other alarming statistics that have been raised by the French government. Apparently, married people in France had an average of just 3.8 affairs last year. For the first time since before the bicycle was invented, fewer than 50% of French cyclists had strings of garlic around their necks. And French children were allowed to drink black-current cordial rather than red wine with their school lunches.

So it does suggest a nation that is really losing its traditional identity. Apparently, this setting fire to a car tradition, this proud French tradition started in Strasbourg and last year, according to official figures, as you mentioned, 1,193 vehicles were burned, which explains the classic French expression, don't park your fucking car in Strasbourg. Um, so that was an e-diff payoff so much, it was a... I think it was. It loses something in the...

Actually, it doesn't lose anything in translation. It gains a massive amount of translation. As you said, the French interior minister, very pleased about this 10% drop, although he said that he regretted the New Year deaths of three people in knife attacks in Paris and in the eastern and southern France. He regretted that. Why did he stab them?

Because regret seems to slightly strange word to use there, Andy. It's a tragedy, unless this is another inexplicable French New Year tradition where the interior minister flies around the country stabbing people, although again, would that really be any weirder than any of their other ones? So as you say, John, down to 167 from 1193, last year, if it keeps going down by that number every year, then in nine new years

time, they aren't even going to burn a single quarter pieces in France. And then, then what would France be, John? It will be Belgium, but without the Waffles, which makes it to all intense and purposes, Switzerland, without the gold, which makes it New Zealand, without the scenery for rugby, which makes it Norfolk without the real ale, which makes it North Dakota. That is how far France has sunk. In Dubai, Andy, they stuck to the kind of celebration that you would expect of them, which is to say that they did something in equal parts spectacular and stupid, because Dubai put on the world's largest ever fireworks show on New Year's Eve,

and of course they did, and the only shocking thing about that would be if they were breaking anything other than their own record. Apparently, they rang in the New Year with 500,000 fireworks presumably as is Dubai tradition set off by poorly paid migrant workers, any of whose accidental deaths would be completely ignored. Again, tradition is key in these situations. And that'll be a little step up from the old tradition of unpaid. But at least that falls down.

Step in the right direction. Baby steps. And if you're thinking, well, how different can a fireworks display from another fireworks display possibly be, isn't it all just a bit of bangin' and flashing, then get along to this little detail. Apparently, Dubois' coastline was lit up with a flying falcon made out of fireworks, which moved across a massive man-made palm-shaped island alongside a countdown clock, also made of fireworks. Hold up. Wasn't that technically one of the signs of

the apocalypse, Andy? I can't work out if it's a good sign or a bad sign, if the design for a fireworks display looks like it came straight out of the book of revelations. And low, a fiery falcon did hover above the folly of mankind. And low, did brightly coloured spinning flames, shoot from its talons, all while a flaming clock counted down to humanity's doom. And to be fair though Andy, that does, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, me, to me, me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, me, to me, to me, me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, me, to me, to me, to me, to me, to me, but just listen to the audio recording of the bangs. It says, this city is an empty husk, a parody of civilization, a void of humanity, a fiction built on sand, sand that is made of shit. And that is unusually self-aware by the emerald,

which might be the only thing in the world that is more full of bullshit than this esteemed podcast. The description of the folks' display continues, a burst of light then imitated a sunrise and spectators were dazzled with the United Arab Emirates flag made from parotechnics. The highest fireworks reached more than one kilometer into the sky.

And remember, all of this is happening against the skyline, including some of the stupidest buildings ever built. These architectural colligulars know how to put on a party, Andy. Officials at the Guinness World Records measured the scale of the event, and the deuticator said that the display covered 30 miles of seafront, saying it is really mind-blowing the size of this. This is a guy whose entire job is watching people do stupid things and

even he could not comprehend what he was forced to witness. He then went on to reveal that the other world records that this display had set despite being the biggest, it is also the most mind-blowing fireworks display of all time, the most moral-blowing fireworks display of all time, and Dubai is now the city most likely to blow itself up in a ridiculous fireworks display, and it's also set the record for city least likely to learn the lessons of history. So they racked up quite a few records there, Andy. Yeah, a lot of records. And you do ask, you know,

well, they're not better things that could have been done with this talent and technology that designed and paid for this, But I guess the questions you should never ask in Dubai. John, I think there's four questions that you should never ask in Dubai. And those questions are, why, how, who, and above all, what do you get if you cross the jailing of people for getting in public with the presence of more than 30,000 prostitutes? Those are the four questions you should never ever ask. What's the happening, Andy? Perhaps this display was actually an attempt to stage an intervention on themselves. Perhaps they were hoping that they'd get to the end of that firework display,

you know, the fiery falcon would fly away, the smoke would clear, and the entire population of Dubai would go, holy shit, look around you, this city is completely stupid. Oh god, we're in the middle of a desert What what is that building so high and why is there a fucking tennis court on the roof? New Year messages news now and Well, there was a lot a host of New Year messages from from around the world that came in the queen a host of new year messages from around the world that came in. The queen delivered her Christmas message just before the new year,

which she prattled on about naveliness, which is ironic because she's never had any. And referred to the royal baby being born last year as giving new hope to Britain, thus putting even more expectations on that poor infant head. Look, I give you a queen promise. This baby is going to sort everything out. Just be patient and give him five years or something. And if he hasn't sorted everything out by then,

then we'll just get Kate to squeeze out a better one. But I'm telling you, magic babies, that's the way forward! That's that's strong. I think a Queen Impressions getting better year on year of John. It is, it is I'm getting closer to her age, Andy. I can start to, I can, I can still, I guess I'm not really getting closer at all. I'm getting the same distance apart. Until she dies, which I'm not wishing on. Which will never happen. No, let's, Let's be honest. Yeah. She's immortal. The Kim Jong Un, as you might expect,

been banging on about stuff over the new year, including one in which he expressed a complete lack of repentance about murdering his own uncle. And I have no, I have no qualms with this, John. I think, you know, if you are going to murder your uncle, the last thing you want is to regret it afterwards. To me, that is far worse. I know whenever I'm plotting to have one of my family killed, I always stop.

I'll take a bit of time and I think, will I regret this afterwards? And usually, I'll call off the hit. Now, who's to say that Kim Jong-un did not go through just this self-voting process? I think it's a real mark of the man. It was perhaps the busiest new year speech of all Kim Jong Un. You know, taking the chance to address his beloved nation at this joyful, hopeful time of year

to express absolutely no regret in bumping off a family member. You know, the Queen never did that with Tiana, Titchie. Anyway. The point is, I'm gonna try to talk over that as if that makes it. That's okay. Well, I mean, you don't come back here very often anyway, so I'm not coming back here ever again.

He's gonna make that much difference, John. In, in Kim Jong-un, special. I've got Skype now for your family to keep in touch. It's fine. In Kim Jong-un, special, new year message, broadcast on state TV, unsurprisingly, he said that his action to eliminate factionalist filth within the party had bolstered the country's unity by 100 times, saying, our party's timely, accurate decision to purge the anti-party,

anti-revolutionary elements helped greatly cement solidarity within our party. And there's something about just the wording of that last part that sounds a little strange to me. Andy, the party's timely, accurate decision. That's not the kind of thing that you force other people to say, not that you actually say yourself. I'm couldn't be Andy, that after he had his uncle executed, Kim Jong-un is now technically frightened of himself Was he delivering that speech with a gun to his own head

He's his new year speech was 26 minutes long and talked about the importance of military strength the need for unity And how weird it was that French people burn cars on New Year's Eve Sounds like my club said John It had a little bit of everything. Kim, a little Kimmy actually spent New Year skiing at North Korea's first ski resort, a brand new, massive ski resort with I think 70 kilometres worth of ski slubs, which I'm sure all North Koreans would agree is exactly what their nation needed. Yes. Because some of them might be thinking, oh, and mind maybe some food or a little bit of freedom or the ability to live without the end of the world. Why don't boys think that very loudly, Andy?

Yes, that would be good. Maybe just live every day without the worry of being shot dead for thinking the wrong thing. But what is the point, John, of any of those things, if you cannot enjoy them, was flying down a hill of 50 miles an hour or was sipping a cleansing grappa in the cool mountain edge, John. Now, I live in Britain, I get to vote, I get to watch TV shows that don't involve 10,000 soldiers and the f***ing great mists I'll go and for a walk. You know, I can do basically what I want, but on the flip side I haven't been skiing since I was 10. So who's the loser here, John on me or the North Koreans? Clearly me. At the Pope delivered his new year speech from his office window at the Vatican, starting off by warming up the crowd with some typical Popeings, saying,

we are children of one Heavenly Father, we belong to the same human family, and we share a common destiny, yaddy yaddy yaddy. But he then apparently went off script, which with this Pope could mean anything. And he was about to endorse gay marriage, was about to convert to Judaism, was he about to reveal that he has a tattoo of a choir boy and a Ferrari on his stomach? No, none of those. Instead, he launched a vicious attack against violence, saying, what is happening in the heart of man?

What is happening in the heart of man? What is happening in the heart of humanity? It is time to stop. He told the crowd, this reflection was inspired by a letter he received from a man, saying, maybe it was one of you to the crowd, who lamented that there were so many tragedies and wars in the world. Francis went on to say, I too believe that it will be good for us to stop ourselves in this path of violence and search for peace. I mean, look, that's nice, Andy. That's a nice sentiment, but come on.

This guy's supposed to be a maverick pope. That's just some more war is bad, peace is good, Pope-ing. You can get that from any Pope over the last 300 years. I want this Pope, Andy. This maverick pope. This future Pope for the present generation. I wanted to call for an enter-violence in Syria and then say, if you don't put an enter-this-violence, I will. And then rip off his robe to reveal that he's armed to the teeth, at which point the Vatican helicopter swoops down,

the Pope grabs onto the ladder hanging off it and flies over the crowd towards Damascus, screaming, seriously, as bad, this shit ends now. Anything short of that seems like it's just more of the same Andy. This Pope is supposed to be different. That's what I was to kind of stuff you'd have got from the Borgias back in the day.

I think that's what Leonardo, that's what he designed the helicopter. I think it was a kind of a pub gun turret at the bottom of that. Yeah. I think actually his message is anti-violence message. You know, 2014, of course, John, you don't need me to tell you, it was a World Cup year. I do, you do not need to tell me that.

I'll just need to tell me that. I'll just need to tell me that. I'll just need to tell me that. I'll just need to tell me that. I'll just need to tell me that. I'll just need to tell me that. I'll just need to tell me that. I'll just need to tell me that.

I'll just need to tell me that. I'll just need to tell me that. I'll just need to tell me that. I'll just need to tell me that. I'll just need to tell me that. I'll just need to tell me that. I'll just need to tell me that. I'll just need to tell me that. I'll just need to tell me that. I'll just need to tell me that. a Donna 82, Ratteen in 66, you know, he's telling his team to keep a lid on it, John. That's what that message is all about. Preview 2014, coming attractions news now. Look, never mind

what's happened in the first few days of 2014, Andy, what is coming up in the next 360 odd days of fun? There's going to be so much to look forward to and also to desperately avoid over the next 12 months and the Bugle will be covering all or at least some of these events In February of course it is the winter Olympics Andy which is great news for fans of ice dancing ice-lujing snowfalling cowbells or just visible breath It's gonna be huge for all of those. In Dianne, there's already been, as you'd expect from a Russian Olympics and spectacular action in the buildup,

we have this email a couple of weeks ago from Mark Warren in Barcelona, who wrote this, very rarely does a New York Times article leave me crying from laughter. Well, Mark, you must be reading them all in the wrong tone of voice. Sorry, a lilleting Swiss tone with occasional hints of Tina Turner. I think you'll find everything in the New York Times unbelievably fun. I think it's how they write it to be read.

But he, he, he points us towards this story about the Olympic Torch relay in Russia. And there's some extraordinary details of what has happened with the torch relay, including that three of the torch bearers have been set on fire. Well, that's, I mean, it has happened a lot in previous Olympics, particularly the Ruant Olympics in 1431 when the local French girl Joan of Arc

who was supposed to be lighting the corner in the stadium, someone disasterously wrong and she got rather toasted outside. Must have been also a lot of Olympics in Britain, the 16th century and some very poor safety regulations and some worryingly flammable Christians. One of the torchbearers had a fatal heart attack. The article points out this was after the photo opportunities, luckily. Because I mean, he got a really ruined everyone's day. They're special days on carrying the Olympic torch with a dead man lying on the ground in front of them. That could have really spoiled it. The torch is rooted as taken into the North Pole under Lake Baikal, the deepest lake in the world, and into space. Into space. But this is the modern wage on.

You don't have to make something. It's gone 40,000 miles of the longest route in Olympic history. This is the modern wage. Don't make it the best. Just make it the biggest and the f***ing stupidest. Yeah, that is where these Russian games have the leg up on all games that have come before. Russia has spent more on these winter Olympics than has been spent on all previous winter Olympics combined. And they promise to be morally ethically and

financially dubious, i.e. a true following of the modern Olympic spirit. Putin is promising that they will have the most spectacular winter Olympics in history, but like you said that's already true and they haven't even started yet. The journey of the Olympic flame alone already makes this the most dramatic and single funniest Olympics of all time. It is absolutely spectacular. I could say three torch mirrors have been set on fire, one of which was reported on an industry titled veteran Bob Sleather, set a light by faulty Olympic torch, which is a simply sensational headline Andy. The flame at one point was relit with a

disposable lighter. Look, what more do you need? This torch is a walk in flaming soap opera. There are apparently 16,000 of these torches manufactured at a cost of $6.4 million by a company that usually makes submarine-launched ballistic missiles in Russia. That's not even counting the three people who were set to light, basically, who became human Olympic torches. So I guess that's now technically 16,000 and three official Olympic torches. The Russians have been desperately trying to dampen this story down,

but I don't know why Andy, because it's clearly fantastic. Roman Olsen, the Sochi 2014 Tourerie-like spokesman, claims that it's only gone out three times, so far, only has only gone out three times, and has only once been re-lit by a zippo lighter. A report quoted him after a gun out after a gust of wind in the Kremlin saying, the Torchbere who was running was absolutely terrified and didn't know what to do. And he asked the guard to help him and the guard helped with the only device he had.

It is unclear what has happened to the guard. I think it's pretty clear. And I think it's pretty obvious. I certainly wouldn't expect that the guards family should be expecting to hear from the guard or indeed themselves anytime soon. Well, as you saw in many ways, you know, this seems appropriate. As you saw, the flame was relit with the disposable lighter. That's, you know, all the Olympics goes back to ancient Greek times and this is very much symbolic of the gift of fire by Prometheus to humankind.

And very parallel to that, and that the guy with the light who was probably changed to a rock and tortured for doing what he did. 16,000 tortures, as you say, manufactured by a company that makes ballistic missiles. This is trickled down technology for me, John. This is what makes all these wars worthwhile.

You say what you're like about the 20th century, but it did not show its responsibilities towards technological progress. If they'd sorted their arguments out like adults, we'd all still be wearing pinnacles, dying of sneezes, playing waggle that stick for entertainment and fating at the side of collarbones. We have a lot to thank these weapons manufacturers for.

There's a lot of other spectacle to look forward to. In June and July, as you mentioned, it's the World Cup, which has been beset by problems in the run up as the Brazilian people struggle to comprehend how much money they're spending on it. But you know what, at the end, it's gonna be great, because it's Brazilian is the World Cup, Andy. Those two things go together perfectly.

Also in June, there may be the biggest spectacle, yet the world may have a new, tallest, stupidest building as the Sky City Tower is due to be completed in Hangshua, Huan China. The company building it are claiming that they're gonna be able to do it in just 90 days, which, look, that sounds like a great idea, Andy.

When you're building the largest freestanding structure on earth with the intention of having people inside it all the time, what you want to do is build it as quickly as possible for some kind of self-imposed bet. That is key. Well, I guess if you can be sure of one thing with modern China, it's that if it sees another country doing something stupid, it will copy it, but make it even more stupid. This is nice and that's whole town, which are copies of Venice. They have a copy of Stonehenge,

full scale replica of Des Moines and Nantwich. That might not be, I mean, that's a matter of time if it hasn't actually happened. And also, this is another thing to look forward to this year involving China, John. A possible war between China and Japan that could spell the end of the planet as we know it. And this is all due to a dispute about a group of uninhabited islands called either the Senkaku's

or Dio U or some uninhabited islands, depending on whether or not you give a shit and if you do what nationality that shit is. I guess in Britain we can't really throw stones here, we all love islands. I mean we in Britain got pretty stoppy when Germany tried to take our island off us, so we're not really in a position to criticize. Yeah. But, you know, there are 1.3 billion people in China and 130 million in Japan, between that's more than one-fifth of the world's population, and they're managing to foster a major diplomatic, possibly military incident, about some rocks that have absolutely none of

those 1.4 plus billion people on. That is truly impressive, John, truly impressive. There also might be a great anniversary to look forward to this year. The 28th of July, 2014 is the 100 year anniversary of the start of World War I. And what a war that was, and even a century later, it really stands up in terms of sheer horror and body count. I'm sure there'll be a big cake to mark the date with over 16 million candles. And the beauty of that anniversary is that you also have the 100 year anniversary

of the Treaty of Versailles to look forward to Andy, setting you up nicely for the 100th anniversary of the start of World War Two. That's how I was taught those events, sequentially, followed. And then finally, at the end of this year, on December 31st, there will be the official withdrawal of the US and the UK from Afghanistan. The details of the official ceremony are unclear, but I'm hearing that we are going to be backing away slowly while whistling and hoping that no one notices. So so much you look forward to all year, Andy, all year long. And you've got the US midterm elections. That's nothing to look forward to, Andy. That is going to be a cynical circus of political posturing. That is going

to be a demoralising event. Well, I think all it needs, John, is one sign independent candidate to stand, and the whole edifice could come squabbling down on itself like a house of juvenile cards. That's all it needs. This, of course, 2014, a very important year. It's the official UN International Year of Crystalography, Family Farming, and Small Island Developing States. Now, family farming and small island developing states. Now, family farming are extremely skeptical about John. I think the very last thing the UN should be encouraging is the industrialized growing of genetically modified children for

profit. We need a land for real crops, John. I can't the world cope with a sudden influx of agricultural trade, aunts, uncles, grannies, nephews and shit like that. What about all the, what about the value of the resell value of organic real relatives? It's the year of small island. You're stuck in the past, Anthony. That's just not how it works anymore. The year of small island developing states, now I think Britain is now officially

a small island developing state again. We're definitely small islands and we've had a couple of quarters of microscopic economic growth. We're developing, John. This is our moment. definitely a small island and we've had a couple of quarters of microscopic economic growth. We're developing, John. This is our moment. And the major objectives of the international year of crystallography include increasing public awareness of crystallography and I could not be more in favour of that if I tried. I mean, I don't entirely know what crystallography is.

Well, that's what that's what is there for Andy. By the end of this year, you're going to have a degree level amount of knowledge in crystallography, whatever that is. I think it's writing about posh champagne, but I'm not sure. I'm not sure in entirely. A mayor in Texas has gone a different way, Andy. He officially decided to label 2014 the Year of the Bible, which seems to imply that every year in Texas is somehow not the Year of the Bible. And if you've been to Texas at all, that's a little hard to swallow.

It'd be difficult to make Texas any Bible year without starting to see what you might be joking. But anyway, Mayor Tom Hayden of a Flower Mound Texas made the official declaration of year in the Bible and a council meeting saying the morality that helps build our country is based on the values that are found in the Bible, which may or may not be true, Andy,

but the literal foundations of America were based in keeping politics and religion very much apart. And this would appear to be a pretty interesting interpretation of the separation of church and state. Perhaps Mayor Hayden just thinks that church and state were separated just because absence makes the Harkrofonda and now it's time for them to get back together. And if none of those years take your fancy, don't worry next year is the international year of soils. So that's, that's gonna be all,

I'm there, it's gonna be a hell of a lot of mud wrestling outside the UN. Next year, 2015 is gonna be here. The New Year's Day. Your emails now, and we have an email here from Jeff who says, hello Andy John and Chris in order of buglers who have had a boat named after them in my son's social studies class

That's right strong start. Yeah, my 10-year-old son not only listens to the bugle But he tells stories from it to his classmates and his teacher. Oh, oh That might be basically your son might be changing schools much sooner than you were planning It's a knowing so much of history is complete bullshit. His teacher allowed him to name the books that they are using on their imaginary travels. We're learning about other countries and cultures. You go on imaginary travels throughout history, Andy. It's just you claim them as facts. They apparently close their eyes and visualize being on board. Imagine Andy's face at the prowl That's right, you'd be like Titanic, you'd be strapped to the front of that boat, Andy.

Just imagine the parents who know nothing of the bugle innocently asking their children what they learned in school today. Shia Lee at first, they begin to describe visiting Pannona Republics and countries being exploited for their natural resources, all the while transported via the reliable, pundly Hottyfield holds of the SS and exultment. I just hope they visit Italy to learn about Silvia Burlusconi, yours in Bullshitory, Jeff. Wow. Well that's a career high point for me, having a fictional ship named after me. Yeah, although the SS and exultment was a Nazi officer that never existed. This one comes in from Jack in Nashville, who writes, Dick, Kaudiol Chris, Generalissimo John and Zaltor the pitiless ruler of all things.

Joseph Stalin is probably best known for sporting one of the finest examples of lip-wear that has yet been achieved, as well as some other business involving Russia. That's some delightfully understated history. As mentioned on the bugle, he also had a pre-delicion for targeting poets. I submit for your approval these lines. The pinkish bard has opened, rushing to the pale blue violet, and stirred by a light breeze, the lily of the valley has bent over the grass. That is a stanza from morning. A poem written in 1895 by 17-year-old Russian poet, Joseb Bessarionus Jigashvili, better known in the West,

as Joseph Motherf***ing Stalin. Oh no! Oh no! Without Hitler with his paintings, Stalin with his poetry. Man, that could have been so easily avoided. Feel free to interpret the poem to find any clues as to his future intentions. I cannot do so, as I'm studying worthwhile pursuit

at college and have no interest in poetry, as I plan on being able to eat once I graduate. So from Jack in Nashville. So, maybe the whole fault of Stalin ran on his teaching. What was the mark at the bottom of that poem? This poem is bad. You know have no future doing this try killing a historic amount of people instead Here when it's a management rather than the creative side of things. I think the world will always regret that world will always regret that. So thanks for those two keep your emails coming into info at thebugelpodcast.com.

At thebugelpodcast.com you can get your bugle merch. I hope you're all enjoying your bugle socks and take out your voluntary subscription to keep the bugle free and independent through 2014. Don't forget to check out our soundcloud page soundcloud.com slash the hyphen bugle and we will be back next week with a bugle that we've all been waiting for for an extremely long time John bugle 256 which means that for the first time in 128 bugles we have exactly the right number of bugles to do a straight knockout to find the best ever bugle.

This will not happen again until bugle 512. It's going to be a great, great day. It's like two Wimbledons, but more so. And we might also next week have to touch on England being absolutely mercilessly continually obliterated at cricket. But it's too soon to talk about stuff like that. Too serious. Until then, bugleers.

Goodbye. Bye! Thank you.