The Bugle - Bugle 256 – Troubled Bridge Over Boiling Water

Episode Date: January 11, 2014

John Describes what happens when it gets a bit Parky, Andy Laments England's Ashes performance and Round One of the first inter Bugle championship match up takes place. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Bugleers, and welcome to issue 256 of the world's only relevant source of information that BUGAL with me and his ultimate, the five time runner up in the world silver medal winning championships, a performant I'm absolutely delighted with. And joining me from New York City, in the area of, it's got three syllables, it was a Pope, an art spaceship, Abe Lincoln, Mexican, no, man hat on, alright. Its Lance Corporal laughed to himself, Admiral Amusement, fight left-end and funny, it's John Oliver. At ease, buglers, attention laughter.

Hello, had the hello buglers, the bugler is late this week because I had to go to LA on Thursday to do a Q&A with the Television Critics Association to talk about the HBO show I'm doing that doesn't technically exist yet. Now luckily I've been fiercely trained through years of doing this particular podcast to be able to bullshit at length about nothing. So it wasn't even a challenge Andy, but the order of appearances at the TXAs was absolutely ridiculous. I was on last, after Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson talking about their new show, then Julia Roberts talking about her new show, then Lena Dunham and the cast of Girls talking about

the new series, and then May Ande, I was the closer. I was sent in to cool that room down and consider that job done. I'm a team player Andy They want someone to ice the day on your guy. They call me Johnny Iceman or at least they will after last week Now that is essentially Andy like having a concert with the Rolling Stones Metallica and Kanye West and then bringing to the stage a three year old who's gonna back some pots and pans together before Shitting himself on stage. It was a weird experience Andy and something tells me this whole thing is just going to get weirder. Well I think that was Justin Bieber's first concert wasn't it? Boom, I've got pop culture references when I need it. They're all in the bag.

I just I just play the club when I need the show. I mean he's less relevant than he was a couple of years ago Andy but, but still, still, still bit out the loop. So we are recording on Saturday, the 11th of January. On the 10th of January, 49 BC, Julius Caesar crossed the Rubicon, a river in Northern Italy, in which basically made civil war inevitable. And that became a phrase for to take a course of action that inevitably commit one to a certain destiny.

Other historical acts have also led to common phrases now in everyday parlance, including Henry VIII. He broke up with his wife, although the word with did come in some years later. In 1776, this weekend Thomas Payne published his smash hit, Platinum Selling Multi-Award Winning Pantlet, this weekend, Thomas Payne published his smash hit, platinum selling multi-word winning pamphlet, Common Sense, which helped inspire the American colonies to declare independence from Great Britain. Amongst the nuggets of Common Sense that Payne disseminated, when walking through a door, always checked that it is not in fact a window, do not wear swimming trunks

made of lead, wait until bridges are finished, do not eat anything that is still barking, and never put your plunker in a bucket of snakes, which coincidentally also an early run the MC song. And that was enough to make the American colonies think, how come the British should never told us these things and they decided to go their own way. Also on this day in 1927, a man called Ian Gray bought a loaf of bread somewhere, probably took it home and said, I'll just bought a loaf of bread. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. This week, a product recalls section that we've been asked to do. So if you do have any of the following pieces of kit, please return them to the shop where

you've got them from. The Gruntsick home-trapanning kit that turns out to be just an ordinary masonry drill. The Wacktech Appliance training stick turns out that smacking electric appliances with a stick is not in fact effective numerous court cases are pending. The domestic sticks cast iron plug prod which was supposed to enable you to check that your power sockets are working but resulted in a series of fatal electricutions. The vegetable its potato and turnip cannon to destructive only for pro-level ultimate food fighting and the SBF rocket sledge which does not function on either level.

All those should be returned soon as possible to the shop you bought them from. Top story this week, Enter the Weather Man! Never man! Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do Isn't it warm outside? Isn't it cold outside? Oh, hasn't it been unseasonably hot? Oh, do you think it'll snow? Ah, the sweet numb of actually avoiding genuine human contact. Ah, extreme weather, however, is a tricky tornado to tame. The truth is that most people like their weather, like their chicken callmas, mild with a splash of heat. But the weather over the last week has been barometrically bananas. New York has been ball-disappearingly cold

over the last week. On Tuesday, it was so freezing that as soon as you stepped outside, your balls instinctively tried to jump back inside your body saying, fuck this, it is way too cold outside. If you need me, I'll be hiding behind your kidneys. That's interesting actually,

because that goes back through evolution to how women evoluted during the last ice age. That's how it all began. That is, I think that's true. And it wasn't even the windshield, that was the amazing and frightening thing. It was just relatively still air, so cold. It repeatedly slapped you in the face for idiotically not being indoors and burned your lungs like a bad brandy.

The explanation here was that America has suffered a polar vortex where minus 30 degree temperatures rolled across the country. It definitely felt like a polar vortex and I technically don't know what a polar vortex is Andy. I just know that- Right, and we feel like one. Didn't we have that as a review for one of our Edinburgh shows? Yeah, we've been. It's probably fairer than we thought it was at the time as well. Much of America set records that no one here has any interest in breaking.

A Minnesota was technically colder than the North Pole this week. That's not ideal because at the very least the next logical step is going to be that polar bears are going to want to move to Minnesota And you do not want a family of polar bears moving in next door and dropping over to introduce themselves to the neighborhood Bringing you a decapitated penguin as a welcome gift But that's what's going to happen Andy if temperatures stay like this that is literally what's going to happen Yes, it was the the village of temperature stay like this, that is literally what's going to happen. Yes, it was the village of Embarrass, Minnesota. That's the name of a small village, not the preseason instructions by Leslie

Frazier, the former head of the Minnesota Vikings, NFL franchise, to his team before they went out and had a rubbish season finish bottom of their league and got him fired. I wanted to go out there and embarrass Minnesota. Now, this is actually the name of a village minus 37 degrees centigrade. That is minus 35 degrees Fahrenheit, massive wind for Fahrenheit, there are two degrees hotter on this occasion. And that was colder, not even the north pole, John. That was colder than the recent readings taken by the Mars rover on Mars, which is considerably further from the Sun than Minasotris, to put this in context, minus 37 degrees Celsius. That

is the exact temperature of George Osborne's soul. And that really shows you quite how cold the planet has been. Extreme weather conditions always have unpredictable consequences, but there's one thing that we can always rely on,, and that is journalists doing stupid tricks on camera to prove how hot and or cold it is. Temperatures rise, temperatures fall handy, but that will always stay the same. Yeah, so in a heatwave, so a journalist will for instance try to fry an egg on the hood of their car and will somehow act surprised when they can't start their car the next day

because 15 warm raw eggs have seeped into their engine. With this cold snap however, there was a bold new trick. After a reporter started going outside with pots of boiling water, throwing the water into the freezing air, where instantly and spectacularly turned into snow. These experiments were a massively popular form of journalistic jackass and the videos went viral very quickly and I guess it shows something about how he lived today. My first response to watching in a boiling

water turn instantly into snow because the air was so cold was not, wow, that's amazing. It was, wow, I wonder how soon it's going to be before someone gets badly burned doing this. And I was not to be disappointed, Andy, because again, as sure as the sun rises and sets, someone was going to throw a bucket of boiling water in the air and end up with boiling water and metaphorical egg all over their badly burned face.

The LA Times reported that by the next day 50 people had climbed on social media being taken to hospital after either throwing the boiling water straight up in the air or not having enough awareness of which way the wind was blowing until the wind started blowing the scorching liquid straight back towards them. One person tweeted and I quote, I just threw a pot of boiling water into the air to see if it would freeze and all I did was burn myself. Hashtag Florida problems. Okay. So here's the key thing there. Perhaps it should have been pointed out that the freezing

water trick doesn't really work if you're somewhere that isn't freezing. Like, I don't know. F**king Florida. I mean, Florida was literally one of only two states that were above freezing for the whole day last week. The only place, worst to throw boiling water in the air was Hawaii. Although, whenever something like that happens now in Florida, you feel it's less an accident and it's more an example of natural selection at work.

Journalists quickly advise people to throw with the wind and not against it. Although I really think the Simpera more effective, my advice might have been, just don't do it at all. Oh, yeah, but that I mean, where's the fun in that job? Well, that's a fair point. Where's the fun in not, not scolding yourself. That's fair. What if if you, I mean, if you threw the egg in the air first? Yeah.

And then through water after it. Will it land as a post egg? There's only one way to find out, Andy. That's right. That is to do it. I'll leave that to you, John, because it's not been quite so cold over here. Well, as that going forward a show, Andy, that's not the point, is it? That's going to go up.

I will go home and I will do that. It's not silent, Andy. It's faith. Well, Iandy, that's not the point, is it? That's gonna go home, and I will do that. It's not Silent Dandy, it's Faith. Well, I'll throw it directly in the air, so hopefully the post egg will land in my face, avoiding the need for using a plate. Yeah, zero washing up, that's, that's so important. What's the worst thing that can happen, Dandy? I'll tell you what the worst thing,

it'll be that you'll have a boil egg in your face, a boil egg in your boiled face. I noticed there was also various videos of people urinating into the freezing air as well, which again, I mean, that shows the human instinct for scientific experimentation that has been, really the case ever since cavemen started putting their heads in the mouth of Taranasaurus Rexes.

No, we've always been a very entrepreneurial species. Perhaps the most shocking thing here in New York is not that it was f**king cold here in January, but that today, less than a week later, it's basically borderline warm outside. It is 57 degrees outside today, which is 50 over 50 degrees warmer than it was a few days ago. This city has been riding a temperature roller coaster and it is no wonder that people are getting sick. Having an over 50 degree difference

in temperature from one day to the next is at best weird Andy and at worst, f**king terrifying. And the extreme weather conditions in the US and indeed the UK, where there have been massive floods and winds have thrown the issue of climate change up in the air like a bucket of boiling water. Climate change is a controversial issue in the way that Galileo believing the world being round was once a controversial issue. So some people didn't believe him, but it turned out that those people were f**king idiots. And there are a number of environmental stories that have emerged this week that are not necessarily temperature-related, but probably temperature-connected. Researchers have revealed that three quarters of the world's biggest carnivores,

the terrifying beast of nature, and the subjects of some of Disney's cutest singing and wise-clacking characters are in decline. Three quarters, the report claims that the loss of these species could be extremely damaging for ecosystems, the world over, although pretty good news for antelopes to be fair. I'm sure they have mixed feelings on the whole thing and there are some emotionally confused antelopes at the moment saying, look, I know this kind of environmental destruction is

calamitous in the big picture, but I feel guilty, even saying this out loud, I'm really tired of having my legs chewed off by lions. Does that make me a bad antelope? I'm not wishing for the extinction of lions, I'm not a Nazi antelope, please. But I'm just saying that a few less of them wouldn't be the worst thing in the world for me personally leg-wise. Oh God, now you're all looking at me like I'm a f**king monster. Forget I said anything, I'll sign the global warming petition. I'm a good antelope.

Well I'm quite, I mean I'm a personal point of view, the fewer predators that are likely to eat me and my family, the better. And it's time you know it's time to be, we've protected these species for too long, you can't interfere with the almighty will of use. for too long. You can't interfere with the almighty will of use. And I think in many ways, you know, we've got to be consistent, John, because we live in capitalist economies, and this is just the kind of survival of the economically fittest. That we pride ourselves on. All is not lost, however, because some scientific research has shown that when large carnivores are reintroduced to areas where they had disappeared from, such as wolves in the Yellowstone Park, ecosystems tend to respond rapidly.

And this to me, John, is one of the most exciting pieces of science I have heard in a long time, because, and there's a lot of urban sprawl around the world where Greenland has been lost, and there isn't much for connection with nature. All we need to do, John, is populate these areas of urban wasteland with large-scale, meat-eating predators. You know, chuck a few leopards into, you know, stratum where I live in South London, watch these communities spring back to life. This is, this is, this is where science and the environment can finally come to our aid instead of trying to destroy us. Yeah, you're right. When scientists looked at the 31 biggest meat eaters, they found that they were on an increasing pressure in the Amazon,

Southeast Asia, Southern and East Africa. And like you say, in Yellowstone National Park in the US, they found that, you know, with wolves and kugas being there, they found that having fewer of those big predators resulted in an increase in animals that browse such as elk and deer, that's a direct quote. And I like the idea of elk and deer just browsing, Andy, that's a lovely way to put it. Hey, elk, what are you doing over there?

Can I help you with something? No, thanks, I'm just browsing. You've got some lovely trees over here. Researchers, at all. It's no good if they're actually by anything. That's right, actually contribute to the economy. Researchers at Oregon State University argue that the rise of these browsers is bad for vegetation and it disrupts the lives of birds and small mammals leading to a cascade of damaging impacts. The chain reaction is essentially like the old woman who swallowed a fly, or in this

case the old wolf who swallowed an elk. But even if the environment does go fully, fully tits up, then all is not lost because science will come to the rescue with some absolutely crackpot scheme. But there are warnings that attempts to reverse the impact of global warming by using such crackpot schemes might actually make things worse, including injecting reflective particles into the stratosphere, which apparently could essentially destroy the earth. It's unintended consequences, John, and we've talked about this before on the bugle. It is just one of these things where you hear someone suggesting this idea and you think that is just the opening scene

from a massive global disaster movie. It's true. In fact, my favourite... The scientists found out that as well as absorbing some of the heat coming from the sun with these particles, they would also absorb some of the heat that comes from the surface of the planet and that would be, you know, massive like he's like armageddon's life problem and The my favorite quote from all of this came from Dr. Matt Watson from the University of Bristol

Who had previously been involved in a British project to test out this kind of reflective particle concept and he said I know of no serious scientist who would advocate Introducing a hundred megatons of self-diocsyde into a four-degree warmer world. That's a hell of a sentence, Andy, for a human adult to say out loud. And he's right! I know of no serious scientist that would advocate doing that, but I'm sure there are plenty of ludicrous scientists who would advocate for it just because I think it will be a funny

thing to do. Also, I think I know a fair few evil geniuses who'd be pretty keen on the idea as well. Because that is the kind of plan that they whisper into the ear of a hairless cat that they're stroking. Shhh, Mr. Whiskers. Soon the world will be ours. After we introduce a hundred megatons of sulfur dioxide into the Earth's atmosphere. Hehehehe. It could be that this is just science is way of opening negotiations because they've seen with global warming how politics is, you know, maybe more skeptical than it might

be. So maybe it's just presenting an extreme scenario, knowing that the politicians will have a backlash and then they can then reach some kind of logical compromise. Leading the way in such compromise could be China, who apparently have embarked on the greatest push for renewable energy in the history of the known universe. Let's put this in context. China will get 2% of its power from wind. Still 75% from coal.

So this is essentially a bit like sticking a cum-quot on a Donica ban with extra oil and saying, yeah, I'm getting loads of vitamins from this loads. It's still a bold move though. I mean, I especially come from a country who has basically invented their own edible air. They pollute things so much. They're the world's largest producer of wind power China, but they're planning to move from their current capacity of 75 gigawatts to 200 gigawatts by the year 2020. But the entire EU only has 90 gigawatts of wind capacity. Now I know nothing about how that all works,

but I'm guessing this means the China are now stealing everyone else's wind. And the kites are gonna lie on the ground across Europe as people desperately try to learn the Mandarin for, please China, can we have our wind back? Is that how it works out? That must be how it works. Well, I think throughout our careers, John, we've raised public awareness of the dangers of overfarming wind. So, you know, it's a very grave concern and also, you know, the battle for solar power. Can we stick a flag in the sun and claim it? You know, these are the questions that humanity

is just afraid of addressing. [♪ BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, BELL RINGING, B and a major candidate for the Republican presidential nomination next year. But he's in a spot of trouble after some bridge-based shenanigans recently. As a man, he is larger than life, as well as larger than medically advisable. And he drove slowly headfirst into a political scandal this week, after a moment that members of his staff were responsible for closing down parts of the George Washington bridge between New York and New Jersey for two days, bringing traffic chaos to a local town all as punishments for its mere not supporting Christie in his re-election. Now, this was a rumor that's been going around for a while now, but a bunch of emails have

proven that this was indeed an old-style Jersey punitive shakedown. To understand this story, you really need to understand the emotional involvement with traffic that people in New York and New Jersey have, especially when it comes to traveling between those two places. Because you might think this is just way too petty an issue to really hurt Chris D's political future. But that would be to fundamentally misunderstand how untouchable traffic in this area is. In fact, this might be the only thing that could seriously hurt him, because there are three unshakable codes of conduct in New Jersey. One, respect your mother. Two, don't have sex with children.

Three, don't f*** with the GW bridge. And that's it. Pretty much anything else goes. If this sticks to Christie, this candle, never mind the presidential nomination, even the new jersey voters might want him gone, because he will have crossed the line you cannot uncross. You can feel jersey voters now going, look, if he was guilty of insider trading, fine. If it wasn't a fair, fine. If he killed a homeless man with his bare hands, look, we've all had bad days, but you do not.

I repeat, you do not close down three lanes of traffic on a bridge. That is f***** up. Well, I mean, I would simply hear your perspective on this because looking at it from the other side of the Atlantic, when I was just an intimate knowledge of the traffic issues in New Jersey, it does seem to me that, as political vendetta's go,

this is really disappointing, it does seem like. You're wrong, Anthony. You can imagine Kim Jong Un looking at this and thinking, what, a traffic issue? Call that a vendetta. You guys really need to raise your game. Although to be fair, Stalin did begin by letting down

the tiles on someone's bicycle to get back at them for teasing him about his hat and he just got hooked on it from there. So I think the mayor, the mayor of Fort Lee, the guy who was punished for this, I honestly think he would have preferred to have concrete blocks tied to his feet and thrown into the East River than this, than having traffic messed with Andy. That's, that's the ultimate sign of disrespect. Don't mean it's, I mean, how big a blow is it for? Because as you say, he's viewed us by some as the Republican's best hope of winning the next presidential election, which I guess you might see as being equivalent to being a slightly moldy carrot in a least orange vegetable competition,

but still, I guess it's someone they're clinging to. Well, at the moment it's his staff. It's not, there's no smoking gun or smoking email that links him to this whole story. It's just his, uh, his staff. Bridget Kelly, he was one of his top aides, a sent an email to Bill Boronio at the, at the port authority which said, after, uh, the election, uh, if it was clear, the mayor was not going to support Christie. Uh, the email said, time for some traffic problems in Fort Lee to which he responded, got it. And it was traffic chaos for days, adding hours to the commute, causing school buses to get to school late, and ambulances to struggle to get where they were needed. Not great, and what one text was sent by a mystery number after all the severity that came

out saying, is it wrong that I'm smiling right now? Every part, there are little details that are coming out that are amazing. They even refer to this guy as insulting terms as the little Serb, the Amerifort Lee, despite the fact he's in fact Croatian. So there's such a fine line. There are little gems. What I liked about this, John, was that how So, it's such a fine line. There are little gems. What I liked about this, John, was that how initially official said that the decision to close these lanes on the George Washington Bridge were part of a traffic study.

And what exactly were they trying to find out? Whether or not if you close two fucking lanes of a major bridge, some people are going to be late for the Pilates classes. Well, I think that's another piece of scientific research that definitely needed to be checked out. I think we also need to see this in the context of America being a Christian country. And God, of course, massive solar state side, also a huge fan of infantile score settling as the people of ancient Egypt would testify.

And of course not everyone did badly out of it, a locus racket salesman did a roaring trade. In fact, it's the origin of tennis swatting locused away during a cheeky little pledge. But it also was a big traffic issue because locusts really clogged up traffic. Because you know, just imagine if you get a locust stuck in your camel's exhaust system, you're going to break down on the road. You know, tail backs off and down the bloody knob. Bloody camels can't out all over the place. That, of course, followed hail, definite traffic angle. The first six plagues, not so bad from a congestion point of view, your blood, your frogs, your pestilences, your boils, etc. But then hail, tricky driving conditions,

locusts like hail, but more so. Darkness, I've never seen a camel with headlights. Finally counteracted by killing the firstborn, which of course, eased the school traffic around a bit. But still, definite traffic angle from God. That was one of his major tools. Animal slaughter updates, and there's been a Badger Cull in Britain, John, which has been the absolute talk of the town. It turns out that each badger,

Carl has cost 4,121 pounds to kill, which, which seems like a lot. That's a lot of money per dead badger. I can see a new luxury food stuff coming on. I mean, it might be disgusting and barely edible, but it is bloody expensive and therefore, in 21st century terms, it's tasty. Now, this cult, I should think, might have been a pilot scheme because, you know, obviously, you know, we have a crowded island, not just with badges, but also with people. I think the elderly

will be next if this cult had worked out to, worked out better. But badges famous for their misplaced overconfidence and their ability to stop fast moving cars on roads with their notes. I've been gunned down in their prime like the murderous killers that they are, you know, kind of mafia style retribution for all the bad they've done in the undergrowth. In one of the areas of the cult, farmers were supposed to be killing 5,094 badges, which is a pretty specific number, oddly specific. I mean, it did work with witches back in the day, but it still seems a little odd. And critics have said that the colour is not the best way to deal with a problem, and fans

of the badger colour replied, yes, but it is awesome fun. There are little faces when you're shouting, look at me, absolutely sensational. Beats running them over in a 4x4, which is still good, but you just don't get such a rush of adrenaline. And the great concern is that badges now having been attacked in this way, going to go to the hills, John, it's going to be another guerrilla war, it's like Afghanistan all over again, but in Somerset. And we've got a very great danger of a generation of radicalised badges with a grudge against the state. And I do not want them wandering around country roads in my country, John. Well, it is a bugle 256, as we said at the start of the show, which means in binary, it is bugle 100 million.

Thanks to maths fans who alerted us to this fact. I don't know if it counts as 100 million, if it's only 215. But it is written as 100 million. It's two to the power of 8, 256. At is an eight round knockout, John, as I said last week, to find your favourite bugle. And we will be doing this. We will be taking a three second snippet of every bugle we've done. Drawn from a hat, two bugles a week, head to head. You have to choose your favorite to put through to the next round. Keep a wall chart to follow or your favorite episodes progress. Until in six, two, six and a half years time, we'll have a final. Maybe do

five second snippets from the quarter final stage on to make more an event of it. Until we have the best snippets in bugle history, by which time we will have done about another 256 episodes, give or take them, we'll have to do the same over and over again before Grand Showdown, some 12 years after that. This could go anyway, it's round one, first out of the hat. It's Bugal 37, and Bugal 37 will play Bugal 155. So here are your two snippets.

You be the judge. Here is Bugle 37. President of the United States, or Mr. Universe. And now the snippet of Bugle 155. Named all of his goats off to the Western leaders who confronted him, so there you go. That's something, that is a big match up to start with. Absolutely.

Very hard to pick a winner, John to start with. Absolutely. Very hard to pick a winner by John. Yeah, either way. Very hard. Sports and British national decline news now. And while the ashes have finished, John, and they have finished, boy, they have finished. They have finished in a big way. England went to Australia as holders of the ashes, the only relevant trophy in world sport, the ancient cricket contest between England and Australia that dates back to the 1880s. And we lost 5-0 in five matches. It might have been a bit chilly in America, John, but that is nothing compared to the coldness of the

atmosphere around the England cricket team at the moment. There were basically only two highlights for England in the whole series. One, one of their young players did quite well, and two, it is now over. It's basically been like watching a long favourite dog getting mercilessly beaten up, teased and eaten by a cat that it always used to have on toes for breakfast. I'm sure that cat turned out to be a lion cub that suddenly grew up into a ravenous tiger after eating a contaminated zebra egg. But still, the dog barely even barked on it, just whimpered a little bit

and doused itself in wilderness ketchup. It basically felt like the quickening equivalent of medieval abdominal surgery with cheap vinegar as an anesthetic. And that was just watching it on television at the safe range of a couple of hemispheres away. So it cannot have been that much fun to play in. Now I know there are bigger problems in the world right now.

You know, South Sudan, Central African Republic, Syria, that kind of shit, but luckily our elders in bed have ruled that the first two of those are far enough away from anywhere important to be worth giving too much of a shit about. And we've done our bit for Syria by not starting a war that we didn't need to start anyway. So that's fine.

And the environment, as we discussed, probably too late. So nothing, John is of greater social and political importance at the moment than England's cricket team, going more belly up than parrorities from in backstroke, melting down like a wax work grandmother at her own cremation. Going to pieces like a gun obsessed serial pacifist leper visiting a chess set, subsiding like a poorly built house in a swamp, made of the port and starboard bits of an old German U-boat.

Cave again, John, like an avant garde Australian rock musician themed pub that cave in. I think I've made the point. They didn't play very well, John. In fact, at times it was barely even possible to discern what sport England were trying to play. Now, put this in context, Bueglers. I am 39 years old. England being ritually eviscerated at the altar of cricket. It was a regular aspect of my childhood, just part of growing up and being British,

or at least part of growing up, and being a middle class English person from the southeast with an already promising career and reality avoidance. But in those days when we lost John, we did so properly, predictably, against teams that were objectively very, very good indeed. Getting thrust by the West Indies in the 1980s was like losing to Thomas Edison in an inventor light bulb competition. No shame, he's a hall of famer. But this time, John, I mean Australia have played very, very well. But England over the last few years,

I mean, somewhere between very good, pretty good, and definitely not shit for quite a long time now. And we beat in Australia three times in a row. And still, this happened. It's probably the worst thing that's ever happened in my life. I don't think I'm overstating it. But if sport teaches us one thing, John, and it teaches us all things, it is that,

even in a darker situation, we can take positives. And we've learned this from history, not just sport, the charge of the light brigade, they came out afterwards in the press conference, terrific effort from the boys. I think we've definitely dented some of the enemy's bullets, delighted with the effort as well. The lads gave 110%, couldn't ask for any more from them, boys. And if they can repeat that next time, we'll give anyone a game. And the experiment will definitely stand us in good stead for next time we order the cream of British manhood to charge straight into enemy fire. So even from this John, even from English cricket,

having his vital organs ripped out and cooked on the barbecue in front of its own face, we have to find some positives. And there are three. One, we generously boosted the Australian economy by giving you traveling English fans for extra full spending days off frontline Barmy Army duty.

Two, life will never be quite painful again, John. This is as bad as it's ever going to get. And it's always good to get the worst things out of the way. That's how, that's why babies cry so much, because it's awful being that small. And as I said, one new player did well, a guy called Ben Stokes. That's hope for the future, John. What's the saying? From small acorns, hungry pigs might have a snack,

or maybe from small acorns, a tiny sapling might start growing before being urinated on by drunk and teenagers, dug up for a laugh, used to try to polvo into a skip and then thrown onto a train tract, cause minor disruption the following morning. That's, and for one more positive, we're all two months closer to the merciful release of the Reaper. That's it. Four positives, John. Four positives. It's been a positives, it's been a tough, it's been a very, very tough time for me, very tough. I'm slightly regretting ever being born. Ha, ha, ha.

That might be the perfect end note, Andy, to England's trip to Australia. Ha, ha, ha. That is definitely how badly we've been beaten. I'm slightly regretting it ever having been born. And it didn't help the way I was watching it because I had to watch, well I had to watch quite a lot of it for writing for a cricket. Well I basically spent several nights sitting on my own in my shed in my garden which I have as an office night's sitting on my own in my shed in my garden which I have as an office yeah watching watching the cricket just on my own in a solitary shed in a

garden in South London I mean that's I mean life doesn't get much bleak as I'm a job watching England getting absolutely torn to pieces. Dark days. Dark days. Too soon to laugh about it. Much too soon. That's about all we've got time for on on this week's bugle. We'll be back with some more of your emails next week. Do keep in coming into info at the bugle podcast.com. Don't forget to check out our SoundCloud page. SoundCloud. is whatever slightly less than zero is. There's two lives that should never have collided, Andy. Right. And I mean, how was how was hurt? I mean, how did how did you compare against her as a as a state priest? Well, as a physical specimen, I'm guessing badly, Andy. I'm guessing biologically badly. I know that's supposed to be subjective, but in this case, I think we can see that one is

the superior example of humanity than the other. Yeah. That face is seems quite symmetrical. No. What's that guy's face doing? Ha ha ha. So, until next week, beogalers. Goodbye. Bye! you