The Bugle - Bugle 257 – Dancefloor Diplomacy

Episode Date: January 18, 2014

Andy and John analyse the latest from Thailand, Syria, Sudan and France. Plus: animal news! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. This is a podcast from TheBuglePodcast.com. Hello, the Euglerz and welcome to issue 257 of the Bugle Weekly Fact Pentium for the

Musicly-Needy, recently voted the most indispensable repository of facts. By more than 200 world leaders at the UN's New Year fancy dress party, this year's theme was fairy stories and let me tell you, you have not lived until you've seen Jacob Zuma dressed as Snow White tronopus white seven dwarves all to marry him at the same time. I'm Andy Zoltzman in London where the streets are paved with gold if by gold you mean discarded newspapers with pages and pages of stories about long suppressed sex abuse scandals and joining me from New York USA the self-styled spiritual home of spiritual homes is the 21st century's George Formby, only with a banjo made of truth instead of wood.

It's John Oliver! Hello Andy! Hello, Buuglers! I've been in a temporary office all week in the HBO building, starting to work on the new show while we try to find permanent office and studio space and it turns out that my office currently overlooks the glass fronted offices of New York's Bank of America head at work on the new show where we try to find permanent office and studio space and it turns out that my office currently overlooks the glass fronted offices of New York's Bank of America headquarters and It is it is becoming a weird daily standoff and the between me and the bankers in their offices on the other side of the road as

Each side spends part of their day staring at the other side trying to figure out what the a sterile other side trying to figure out what the f*** they're doing in those buildings. And it's like a two-way judgmental rear window, Andy, a relationship based on justified mutual suspicion. I keep seeing them, hold meetings in conference rooms, drinking coffee, projecting charts onto the wall that don't seem to mean anything. And they keep seeing me draw a penis on a whiteboard and leaving it there for all of them to look at. Why I'll see it Andy, if I keep drawing penises, I may be able to drive down the real estate value of Bank of America head courses. Because you know how that would work. Oh look, it's a lovely building in a prime location,

but it does look out on what seems to be an ejaculating green penis. And that is to put it in purely real estate terms not a coveted view. They probably think it's some graph of the projected sales figures for plutonium or something. I don't know. I might be doing so much more harm than good. This is the show for the week beginning Monday, the 20th of January. 2014, the week in which Nostradarmist predicted that Switzerland would invade Iran, the King of England would abdicate after being filmed swearing at a postbox, and a schoolboy named

Ian would tell Stacey that he'd really fancy that. And this is Bugle 257. Of course, 257 was the original title for an 85 hour long film about a really prolific serial killer that I had trimmed off the first 250 slangs and just released it as seven. As always a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin, this week section of the bin are audio perfumes. Instead of wandering around with a concocted whiff of the unusual on you, why not be a company in everywhere by curious and indefinable but gender-specific cocktail of noise or audio perfume and we give you two free from the bugle for him

Mysterioso And for her, AfroDits. Oh, Andy, that's incredible. Port-on, Apple Femme. That's why that's the title of a new HBO show, isn't it? Top story this week, International Instability Update, our Wibbly Wobbly World. This world, Andy, is a beautiful place and it gets more and more beautiful, the further and further away you are from it. An astronaut sees Earth as a majestic marble peacefully floating in space.

Of course, what you can't see from up there is the fact that there is complete mayhem happening on any part that aren't blue. So this is our roundup of places that seem a little insecure at the moment. First, Thailand. And at protest, I'm going on for months around Thailand, but this week they really put the bang in Bangkok. And they also put the ex-prime minister

Thaksin Chinawatera is a cock in Bangkok and they also put the ex-prominence to Thaksine Chinawatra is a cock in Bangkok as well. The large demonstrations actually started back in November after Thailand's lower house passed a hugely controversial amnesty bill which critics worried could potentially pave the way for former leader Thaksine Chinowatra to return to Thailand without having to serve any time in jail. And maybe we should just pause for a second and explain a little about how this contribution, just how controversial this senior Shinowatra is. He was a Thai business tycoon, turned politician, and what a glorious transformation that always is anti. Truly one of nature's most beautiful miracles. It's like whatever the opposite of a caterpillar

turning into a butterfly is. Or I guess it's like a mission-in-starred meal turning into a human shit. It's a dance as old as time. He was Prime Minister of Thailand from 2001 to 2006 when he was overthrown in a military coup and he's been living in self-imposed exile overseas after being convicted of abuse of power.

And in fact, if we take a look at his rap sheet, it's pretty impressive, Andy. His government faced allegations of corruption, authoritarianism, treason, conflict of interest, and muslim of the press. Thaksin himself was accused of tax evasion, classic, insulting king, the king, little more niche, and selling assets of Thai companies to international investors. Also, Amnesty International has had a thing or two to say about his human rights record. Just to give you a clue, it wasn't a thing or two about what a lovely human rights record he has.

He, uh, vaccine Chinawatra has a two-year prison sentence, uh, which he would have been legally bound to serve until this Amnesty bill passed helped along the way by the current Prime Minister of Thailand, who is Yinglukshinawatra. Oh, there's something called Yinglukshinawatra. Where have I heard that name before? Do you know what? Is that not the surname of the guy that we've been talking about this whole time? Because it turns out Yinglukshinawatra is faxing Chinawatra's f sister. No conflict, no conflict of interest at all there Andy, just a completely impartial judgment made by an entirely

coincidental blood relative. Yeah, he was overthrown in a coup in 2006. And big overthrown in a coup generally only happens if you're either too much of a c** or not enough of a c**. And he's been described as a polarizing figure, which is journalistically infamizm for a barely contained crack pot. And his family, as you said,

after these corruption scandals, was his family was stripped of $1.4 billion of contested assets. Now that is proper corruption, John. Watch and learn British MPs with your 10 grand of expenses, Watch and learn. And to show you more about the man, two things that I think we need to know about him.

Since he's been an exile, he spent his time in London and Dubai, the spiritual homes of the economically amoral. And a few years ago, he bought Manchester City. He bought a British football club, John, which you only do if you are either clinically insane or trying to avoid assassination. And he probably a bit of both. Thaksin is apparently hated in urban areas in Thailand but remains really quite popular with many rural voters. And that makes sense, Andy, because you know farmers, they love people convicted of selling Thai assets to international investors.

All they have, they've got such a foxy appreciation for that kind of white collar crime. The protesters in Thailand are therefore urban, middle class voters largely of whom around a hundred thousand rallied in Bangkok in November when the protests began. They were peaceful for the first week, but at least eight people have been killed since then. And on Monday of this week, the protests aimed to shut down parts of Bangkok entirely and disrupt the rest. Thailand is due to have an election on the 2nd of February, but protesters want the current Prime Minister, Ying Luk Shanawatra, to resign immediately the election to be suspended and a People's Council to enact reforms. And the protest leader apparently has threatened to capture Prime Minister Yingluck and others

if they refuse to give in. Clearly Andy, that's not going to happen. You don't just capture a world leader. Now what are you going to do? Carry a big net around and hopefully you can lunge it over ahead on a way to the shops or you're going to dig a hole, cover it with leaves and balance her favorite food on top to try and trap her? He actually urged protesters to shut down all government

offices and cut water and electricity to the private residences of she and her cabinet saying, if they're still being obstinate, then we will capture them one by one. Because the people are not interested in fighting for years. And that's a bold move, Andy. Smoke out a Prime Minister by shutting off bathroom facilities. And then when she runs out looking for the nearest Starbucks and desperation, you just throw

a giant butterfly net over her. I think that might actually be their plan, Andy. And if they pull that off, it might be the most slapstick-based revolution in human history. It's a curious case of a protest supported by the opposition democratic party, basically in favour of less democracy. They want the elected government to re-replace by an unelected panel and the elections to be cancelled. But I think on reflection, I think 90% of people in the democracies of the world would

back that if they could be given reasonably serious sounding assurances that it wouldn't get too North-Coreyery afterwards. The protests have been going on for a long time now, but still seem strong. It's a shame it's been on the new so little because they're actually pretty colourful. For some reason they all have brightly coloured umbrellas and they've been chanting slogans such as reform before election and shut down bank cock restart Thailand. So that's the full back plan Andy if the butterfly net thing doesn't work out. Treat the country like you treat a troublesome computer. Just shut

it down, turn it back on again and hope for the best. Thailand's army chief general Priyoth Chancha said that regarding the prospect of a military coup which has been muted as a possibility, he said this, the door is neither open nor closed. So basically... Oh boy, that means it's open. Why? The door's been removed from the hinges.

What it means is at least a jar and probably has the president's fingers being falsely held in it, waiting for the right moment to slam, before being flown back open to smash the protesters in the face. Now put this in context, John. Thailand has had democracy for around about 80 years. In that time, they have had 18 military coups. That is something they're doing something to keep themselves regular. That's a lot of dry day produce going into that.

I'd love to see a military coup in Britain just for the sake of something interesting to watch on television. But I guess a novelty must wear off after, I don't know, the 14th or 15th military coup in your lifetime. It would be interesting if there was one in Britain and probably in America as well to see how long it would be before the majority of people actually noticed. I think probably only when it started affecting reality television shows, I can't believe Donner's in the final. All she sings is the same Army marching song every week. And why do the judges always give her a tenet of ten whilst looking really scared?

SELF SUDAAN SOME IT NEWS NOW And SELF SUDAAN is the world's newest country and like any first generation release they're experiencing some tricky teeth in troubles to put it in the most heartlessly glib terms possible. South Sudan became an independent state in 2011 and is a little schizophrenic as a country it's extremely rich in oil but after decades of war, it also has one of the least developed regions on earth, even having very few tarmac roads. And a bit of background again, because what seems to have happened is that some political bickering has unleashed horrific white-spread violence.

In July, President Sal Vakir, an ethnic dinker, the country's largest group, but let's not pretend that I didn't have to look all of that up online. He's sacked his deputy, Rick Machia, who's from South Sudan's second largest community, the newer, and obviously I knew that without looking it up. This is caused a breakdown in trust as they tried to build a resilient, inclusive democracy, ideally in South Sudan,

with some claim that this was a power grab, and other saying it was just in response to a possible coup. Almost 200,000 people are said to have fled their homes and the reports of mass killings along ethnic lines. And to cut along and depressing story short, let's face it, Sudan is no stranger to sadness. So this latest twisting of the tragedy tornado there is depressingly precedented. A news report I saw this week said it's unclear exactly what triggered South

Sudan's current crisis. But it seems pretty clear to me Andy and it's triggered by the black sticky stuff they're living on top of. Oil is the best and indeed only way for an African country to get the West to give enough of a shit about them, to go beyond benefit concepts saying we should do something to help, and to actually doing something to help. In South Sudan, cattle are key. Cowls are at prized assets. A person's wealth is measured by the size of their herd, whereas on the rest of the planet, we couldn't really give a shit to a cattle.

We're more concerned about what might or might not be underneath their hooves. The easiest way to explain Western priorities to South Sudan is that we feel about oil the way they feel about cows. And due to the fact that they're hooves, those cows hooves, Andy, who conceivably were attached to oil dericks, they're actually international attempts to help out. South Sudan, President Obama was hugely supportive of South Sudanese independence. There've been multiple crisis meetings at the White House over the last few weeks.

And while 5% of that might be due to compassion, the key remaining 95% may have something as well as everything to do with the fact that there are fears that local reductions in oil production in South Sudan could have repercussions on world oil markets. And that last sentence, Andy, is the difference between a black and white viral video with Cape Beckinsale and 15 F-16 fighter jets forcibly keeping the peace.

Peace talks have taken place, although perhaps in the strangest situations. It emerged this week that after a double booking and a hotel in Addis Avaba in Ethiopia, the government and rebel delegation were forced to hold the discussions on the dance floor of a top nightclub. This is the future, John. This is the future for the world. Apparently, this left delegates and I quote bemused. Now that's entirely understandable Andy, nightclubs are for bugging and traditionally not for high level diplomacy. Generally speaking, if a room has bounced to the sounds of LMFAO in the previous 12 hours, you just do not expect as he talks to a vertus

substantial civil war taking place. Well it just makes you think, John. John, if I had the right tracks playing, it could really help bring about the piece. In fact, I mean, that's, you know, personal favourite of mine, Robin Thicks, blurred lines, John. Actually, if you listen to it in the context of these peace talks, it is a heroically selfless call for a rapprochement in the disputed border region of Abbey. I think that's the blurred line of where the border between the two countries should be. That's very much

what he was going on about. And you know, if you asked him make that point through the use of naked women, so be it, John, so be it. And eerily reminiscent, of course, of the Treaty of Versailles being signed in that train carriage,. Ben Shelvin's novelty orchestra was playing on forever blowing bubbles, big hit song of the year. It took place these talks at the gaslight club on the dance floor and apparently it was selected after the room in the Sheridan Hotel the teams had been using was booked by a Japanese delegation. Could someone not have told the Japanese just to f***ing move somewhere else, sadly?

Would that be impossible? Because either, Andy, they wouldn't have minded, or they would have minded, and you just asked them to f***ing move anyway. I think the Ethiopians would have been well within their rights to say, look, sorry guys, I know this is going to be inconvenient because you booked the room, we get that. But we're trying to avoid a civil war in a neighbouring country here. And the only alternative to talks is the dance floor of a nightclub. And those talks generally aren't improved by being held on a floor that's still sticky from the previous day's yellow-shot sweat and vomit.

So, do you mind getting the f*** out of here? Sources, close to the talks, and some delegates were unhappy with, again, I quote, the poor lighting and excess noise. What? With the DJ still playing, Andy. These could have been the lowest priority piece talks in the history of war. Hey, I'm DJ Chris Beats, any requests? Yeah, I've got a request!

Can you get the f*** out of here please? South Sudan's on the brink of breakdown! I'm sorry, I don't have South Sudan's on the brink of breakdown, is that by Rihanna? I do, however, have this. DJ Chris bleeds want some kind of lasting solution to this What a great song that he's still under It stands up to it. It stands up as a funny song and a great song. That is very much I mean that's past the test of time isn't it? That's up as a funny song and a great song. That is very much, I mean, that's past the test of time, isn't it? That's up there with Beethoven's main lights and art for me.

Yeah. There's a proven bits of music. Even the photo of the piece talks were incredible. They were seated around a long table on the dance floor. It's fake gold columns around them and a visible DJ booth with wires running up into the background behind them. If that, like you say, if that was where negotiations for the Treaty of Versailles have had, we'd still be at war with Germany right now.

Well, I guess also, I mean, the thing with nightclubs is they're basically specifically designed to prevent audible conversation. And I think a lot of a lot of peace processes been harmed by things that people have said. So that's true. I think this is very much the future. Maybe you're right. You can hear what you want to hear. You're bouncing around, you're having to lean into each other's ears, screaming, then you're just nodding as if you heard what they say. Yeah, absolutely. Because you might be right, because bear in mind, that the last month of fighting in South Sudan is left, according to UN numbers, substantially more than a thousand people dead.

And these discussions took place on the dance floor of a club to get to which you have to do the following. And I quote, you enter via glass floor bridge hovering over a mini-mote. There, three bars, one of VIP members only club are arranged over three floors with plush velvet soft seating and opulent art deco interiors in addition to padded leather bar stalls. So, if this does work, Andy,

maybe this could usher in a new era of dance floor diplomacy. LAUGHTER I'm moving on to Syria and fair to sage on even this early stage is not looking good for Syria to do too much climbing up the table of world's happiest countries this year. The UN has announced that 9.3 million Syrians of whom nearly 50% of children that's half the population of the country need urgent humanitarian aid. Now, I guess when half your population needs aid, it might be time for President Bashar Ellis had to sit down for a long-hot bath of themself and think, this is starting to get out of hand.

I guess in the same way that Joan of Oaks tanning cell on the appointment got out of hand or Charles the first hair cut. It's not our problem, of course. We did our bit by not starting a new bit of war and occasionally standing on the such line saying come on now whilst the main war has trundled along. But what is the international community's next move? I guess the options are writing a sternly worded letter to a Canadian regional newspaper hiring a special plane to fly over Syria with a banner out the back with the words enough already on it, or sending Dennis Rodman in to see what

happens. But it appears that that is about as much as we can hope for. More than 100,000 people have been killed in Syria since 2011, almost 9 million other people have been driven out of their homes. And the only plan at the moment is that a summit is going to be taking place next week in Geneva because that's what happens Andy when you hit a hundred thousand people being killed. It's like being the hundred thousandth customer in a supermarket. Balloons come down and you get three minutes to grab anything you can. When a hundred thousand people are killed in your country, playing tickets to Geneva fall down from the sky and

you have three minutes to plead your case at the international community. This summit was apparently partly driven by John Kerry, the Secretary of State, who said the alternative to organizing a conference was that Syria and I quote, heads closer to an abyss if not over the abyss and intercaiose. Which actually is worse, Andy, an abyss or chaos. I mean, maybe he's right, because that does seem to be the two choices that Syria faces right now as a nation. It's like a horrific game of would you rather eat shit-flavored chocolate or a chocolate-flavored shit? Or would you rather be... I'm not quite sure.

...quoting Aristotle on this show, Joe. Would you rather be forced to watch Dick Cheney masturbate every day for the rest of your life or help him out with it once and make it stop? There's no good option. That's the point. The international community has no plus choices ahead of it regarding Syria,

and that's what I'm trying to say in the most abstract way possible. Right, so it's sitting back and letting the innocent people of Syria sorted out amongst themselves. Are we not allowed to carry on doing that for another few years? It's working so well. That's not a good option either though. But nothing's good, that's the problem, it's the perfect storm of awful. The summit will be on January the 22nd next week and it's not clear if the Syrian government will attend yet. Apparently it's said that it will in principle be there, however it's also said that it will not negotiate with terrorists while dismissing everyone who

opposes it as exactly that. There was a donor conference in Kuwait this week, held by the UN, promoting their largest ever appeal for a single issue. And that meeting aimed to raise $6.5 billion for Syria in a secured, I think, $2.4 billion in pledges by the end of Wednesday. Donations included Kuwait, they gave 500 million. Saudi Arabia gave $250 million. gave 500 million Saudi Arabia, gave 250 million dollars, come on Saudi Arabia, your fireworks displays cost more than that.

Qatar apparently gave 60 million dollars again, a number quite small, Andy, coming from a country that won a World Cup bid by basically claiming it would air condition the entire country inside and out. The US gave $380 million in new contributions. Norway gave $75 million. Again, Qatar, when you're being outspent by Norway and you're sitting on one of the largest reserves of national gas in the world, you're missing a few zeroes on the end of your fucking check. And the UK placed another $164 million bringing our total contribution to $985 million. Not bad, not bad for you. Super effort, super effort.

Suck on that Saudi Arabia. That's what tax inshinawata had confiscated, though, basically, to put that in context. Ha ha. But it's not just these traditional travel spots that have been in the spotlight of late France is in turmoil after its president Francois Hollande was caught putting his penis in the wrong woman or putting it in the right woman and the wrong woman getting cross about it. It's a fascinating story this and and France traditionally overlook what their political leaders

get up to where they... They certainly do. Yeah. That sounds less like a political scandal and more like a campaign problem. They like to overlook whether political leaders park their parts. There's an old French saying that says this, let penises be penises. Of course being in French is not quite that concise. The actual saying is, we have you less than a meter of Monsieur Le Wilyard de se comporter de être qu'on me le soir pas c'est quel, je vous en suggest qu'il est un petit personnage de

Pont-Allem d'Homme, vos éson plastis dans l'assessement féminine juste dans même façon de and a sesame in the juice of the sauce to a pinch of you. The story ended up with his girlfriend in hospital, his mistress in court, and his ex-wife in giggles, and the rest of France, in resigned acceptance that a president in possession of a penis will always be inclined to use that penis. It's like a red button for a nuclear bomb-jump. If you're a world leader, the temptation is there, but maybe without quite the same level of moral guilt and practical consequences for using it, but every American president must have been tempted. They cannot have been a US president

in the last 60, 70 years, who has not sat in the Oval Office, waddling his finger over that big red button on his desk, while saying, Avery, A2, A1, Avery, two, one, Hamilton! Stop cozy, the previous president claimed

Olonne quotes, looks ridiculous, which is rather akin to being accused by the rock of overdoing the biceps. They've got a little wrestling reference for you, John. You're talking about Dwayne the Rock, Johnson, right, Johnny? Of course, Johnne. The actress, who the president has been involved with, is Julie Gaye, who ironically has starred in a number of films about people having affairs, by which I mean any French film. Feature section now, animals!

And look, we've talked a lot about political instability, Andy, so let's... Let's just discuss something nicer, animals. So, what's up first? Auction to shoot in danger, right now! Alpha, fuck sake! Fuck sake, Andy! Okay, so here it is. Last weekend, the Dallas Safari Club,

right here in the USA, the United States of Animals, auction off a permit from the Namibian government to go hunt, i.e. shoot, i.e. murder. One of the world's only 5,000 remaining living black rhinos. The auction was won with a bid of $350,000. This upset a lot of people, as well as presumably around 5,000 black rhinos. The Safari Club hit back at its critics,

explaining that this was actually a good thing, and the kindest thing you could possibly do for these rhinos was to shoot one of them in their head. They said the auction was all done in the name of conservation to save the threatened black rhinoceros. All proceeds apparently will be donated to the Namibian government and will be earmarked for conservation efforts. All of the proceeds will be donated to the Namibian government and will be earmarked for conservation efforts. Okay, okay.

So I think I see what's happening here Andy. The logic here is that one rhino must die so that the other rhinoes can live. This is the kind of rhino Jesus we're looking for. In which case, they shouldn't be shooting it Andy. They should crucify that rhino in front of all the other rhinoes so that they can see what a sacrifice has been made for them. And all the members of the Dallas Safari Club can therefore wear rhinos on crosses around their necks to show that they care. That's a lot of money, John, 350. You're not going to want your

money. You're not going to want to clean kill on that. You want to get a capture in prison it, torture it for a few weeks. You really, really get your kicks out of it. That's, I mean, you're looking at basically, your own personal remake of the film, Soar, but with a rhino. The point is, that has to be made that film. You can use your Hollywood context, John. Yeah, that film made. my capital Andy rhino tour

three rhinos in a cage changed to a block with a single gun and a note learned to read rhinos and you'll see what a terrible situation you're in but bearing mind you will be saving your species by doing it that's it big picture animals are so bad I've seen the big. The big picture is the key Andy. These hunters are conservationist at heart. I mean, yes, sure. They could just donate $350,000 to Rhino Conservation and not shoot a rhino in their head,

but where's the fun in that? Say what you like about Rhino Corpses, Andy. As conservation donations go, that's one hell of a receipt. This rhino is really grumpy, and their argument is that this rhino is a potential rhino murderer itself. All right, so it's like a metric test. If they don't kill, apparently it's one specific,

if they don't kill this one specific rhino, it will kill more rhinos. Okay, chop the tons off. That seems rock-solid. Yes, that seems rock-solid. Tell it. That's right, yeah, it's got amazing medicinal properties, isn't it, Rhino horn?

I don't mind, I'll use it. It's a complexion. They've gone even further than that. Ben Carter, the executive director of the Safari Club, defended the auction, saying, in most cases, the animal is detrimental, and he continued, he's way past his prime. I think that sentence will actually make much more sense, Andy, if he said that while

looking into a mirror. But obviously, animal welfare groups are furious about this, and the International Fund for Animal Welfare said it sent a dangerous message that these iconic, disappearing animals are worth more as dead trophies to be mounted and how on a wall in Texas mansions than living in the wild in Africa. But listen, listen, animal huggers, that is the free market at work. You're just dealing with condensed supply and demand here. Rhino's are going to become more valuable, the fuel of them there are. That's basic economics.

So don't think of auctioning off Rhino murder as destroying their species. Think of it as increasing their market value. And if you're against that, you're a Rhino communist. And you know, if they're living in a capitalist world, as they are, increasing their market value, that is boosting their self-esteem, which is gonna make them Randy. It's probably gonna do population numbers,

the world of good. Probably, if not definitely. Now, in fact Andy, let's go all the way to the logical end of this argument. Let's just let the free market sort out all problems morality aside. Let's auction off a permit to hunt down and shoot, whoever it is who won that auction to shoot the rhino. Yes, that is unthinkably immoral, but all the money will go to charity andi to try and prevent other murders taking place around the world. In taking one man's life for sport, we'll simply be saving so many others. We just need to release a legal permit to shoot that person andi and mount their head to someone's wall. It's actually the kindest thing you could possibly do.

one's wall. It's actually the kindest thing you could possibly do. Identical pig news now and there was a report on the That's a I don't know what I'm talking about that phrase to me. That's surprisingly racy anyway. It was a report on the BBC about how China is cloning pigs on an industrial scale, which I mean, they didn't really say on an industrial scale. Cloning pigs is something that you probably want to do industrially. There's no point doing it sort of as a personal hobby.

There are only three reasons to clone animals. John, one, you hate choice and you want everything to be the same. Two, you want to take be the same. Two, you want to take over the world and are a Machiavellian scientific genius. Or three, you reckon there is an unfaithable amount of money to be made from it. And China scores big on all three counts there. This is very exciting news for me as a person of Jewish origin, John, because all they need to do is produce one kosher pig, as you are a pig that is really clean

with good manners that looks after itself. And we can then clone it to create a new super breed of guilt-free sausage porkers. This is the breakthrough we have been waiting for for thousands of years. There was one batch of pigs that had their DNA tinkered with to try to make them more susceptible to Alzheimer's, which I mean, you to try to make them more susceptible to Alzheimer's, which I mean you think you want to make them less susceptible to Alzheimer's, I don't know, but maybe the Chinese government

thinks that Alzheimer's is the best way for their expanding populace not to notice mass state corruption, huge amount of hypocrisy and willful inequality, and they're just going to pump Alzheimer's into their drinking water or toothpaste. I mean it'll probably work, but again does that make it right? A political question as old as time itself, that a surprise number of politicians and hunters still seem to get wrong. But maybe this is, I'm reading it the wrong way, this pumping pigs full of Alzheimer's could feed just punishment for the pigs in China crucifying confusion, so whatever happened back in the day. I don't know. I don't know. Sport news now and well, it's tennis time in Australia and the tournament so far,

the Australian Open has been the most the biggest talking point has been the temperatures on court. It's been hot there. John. It might have been a bit chilly in America. But it's been hot. 42 degrees Celsius. Oh my god. Yeah, it's been hot and not like model cake up to his hot unless he's talking about model cake up to trapped inside an industrial pressure cooker.

It's hot. Oh yeah. It's hot. It's hot down there. It's too hot to be outside and definitely too hot to be outside and trying to play fucking tennis. That's become clear. Well, if 7800 degrees Fahrenheit is the melting point of rock as discovered by Bon Jovi

on the album of the same thing. They got a new modulating a bit in their old days. They knew album 80 degrees centigrade is due out. Named off the optimum temperature for brewing green tea. But if 7800 Fahrenheit is the melting one of rock, 42 degrees centigrade turns out to be the melting point of tennis players. They've been keeling over in conditions described as halfway between a wedding barbecue and a cremation. Organizers have been warned by various players that a player could die if they can force the play in these circumstances and they responded, well we don't criticise the ancient Romans for feeding their tennis players the lions, gives an element of unpredictability in what

has become an increasingly mechanised sport. The Grand Slams test you in different ways they explained, on clay, on grass, on concrete, and in a borderline furnace. Besides, it's good to practice in case any of our top pros end up burning in the fires of eternal damnation. So, apparently the organizers don't really give a flying f***. And players have been taking extreme measures to get through the ordeal. One player, the South African, well number 143, waxes back, sack and crack.

Even took an industrial freezer, on the court with him and lay inside it, surrounded by packets of frozen spinach during the changes of ends. Whilst his American opponent, the Eli Snooks, was heard trying to psych himself up to withstand the heat by muttering, I'm a chicken keev, let me cook, under his breath between points. Moldovan ladies, world number 174, but no, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Came out to play the second set against her Australian adversary, Kevin Etter, Machise, dressed in a false base suit, she'd borrowed from her watching Buzz Aldrin. Whilst Richard Gasquay's first round opponent, the Mexican-Israeli, schmooly-milliano Eagle-cline Sanchez, forgot his water bottle and had to keep cool by downing a crisp pint of ice cold lager after every game. After five sets of an initially confident but increasingly incoherent tennis, Eagle-cline Sanchez chandered into a bucket,

asked the line judge for a cuddle, said to Gascay, I f**king love your backhand mate, it's a f**king work of art. And then sang, you're a pink toothbrush, I'm a Bluetooth brush, before losing the game on a time violation after insisting on reciting all the Bond films in order before serving. So it's really led to some extreme, extreme measures by the... It has, alongside that absolute avalanche of bullshit Andy, this is what has actually happened in Australia, It has alongside that absolute avalanche of bullshit Andy. This is what has actually happened in Australia.

As well, a bullboy fainted on court. Caroline Bosnianci put her water bottle on the ground and the bottom of it melted. Peng Shui vomited, then cramped up, then had to be helped off the court. The souls of Joe Wilfred Songa's sneakers melted. Hylene Yankovich burned her bottom on a seat. And Frank, Yankevich, collapsed during the second set of his match.

Lay unconscious on the court for a full minute and said afterwards that he was hallucinating before he fainted and claims that he saw Snoopy saying, I was dizzy from the middle of the first set and then I saw Snoopy and I thought, wow, Snoopy, that's weird. Eventually, they did stop playing for the heat. But for a while, I thought the only way they were going to call a halt was if someone died or the tennis ball caught fire. And what an amazing Australian open open that would be. That's all we have time for on this week's Bugle.

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