The Bugle - Bugle 261 – Crimea River

Episode Date: February 28, 2014

This week: Ukraine, Penises on walls, Skywhales and movie sequel to Gravity. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. This is a podcast from TheBuglePodcast.com. Hello, B. Uglers and welcome to issue 261 of the Bugle for the week-beening Monday, the

3rd of March 2014 with me and his ultimate freshly back from winning bronze at the Sochi Olympics in the men's snowman describing contest. It's like a bloke might have like snow with an orange pointy thing where it's snow should be bit fat, no legs, looks like I've ever pricked to be honest. Not the highest standard of competition but you should have heard the guy that came for. Ah! That's like a purple desk with a wall to pancreas on it! Save me, Lord! Save me! Still got a bronze and that's another 3 million quid of funding in the bag. I think they're paying for it by confiscating footballs from 20,000 kids to team.

Still, podium finish. And joining me from New York City, it's the man who's outlasted Pears Morgan on American television. And they can be no higher accolades than that. It's the 21st century's Pears Morgan. John Oliver. Hello Andy.

Hello, viewers. I'll tell you how I outlasted Pears Morgan Andy. And that is by not He may also have done that I was I think I just might have heard a lawyer phoning in yeah, he may also not It's unlikely, but he may have done it, but I definitely did right that definitely might have as well. It's unlikely though I'm sure it's just one of many things you've got to come on with him, but you didn't. He's innocent for now. Now, the development here, Andy, is that we are finally in our new offices for the new HBO show. And you might remember that my old temporary office overlooks the Bank of America building.

Well, I'm happy to announce that that is no longer the case. Instead, my new office overlooks the New York Department of Sanitation. And I somehow feel that that is more appropriate and the... I think what I've consistently tried to do with my life is a lot closer to the Department of Sanitation than it is to Bank of America. Well, I was away in Naples last week on holiday. Testing out various scientific theories on how many times you can say to a five-year-old boy if you're naughty that volcano is going to go off before he stops believing it. Turns out the answer is around about the 12 region. And also went to the archaeological museum, which has got a lot of the mosaics and paintings from Founding Pompeii. And I'll tell you what John, those ancient Romans were not afraid of a penis on a wall.

That is one of the many defining features. And it may only think that if we had been doing the bugle in Pompeii, we would have had an absolute uncontrollable deluge of emails every week from people saying, I've just seen a penis on my own living room wall. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. This week, it's an Oscar special pullout. As the Oscars this weekend. Is it this weekend?

Is it Sunday? Yeah, I think so, yeah. The Oscars this Sunday, as we were recording, just a couple of days tension growing. Which films will turn out to be better than they actually were by virtue of winning a prize, and which other ones will turn out to have actually been total shit due to being overlooked. We are so in our exclusive supplement.

Look at the many sequels that will inevitably be spawned from gravity, for example, nominated in 43 categories this year, including most predictable storyline. They sequel Grab A T in which Sandra Bullock gets back to normality, hooking up with old friends for a series of cups of tea. But is everything as it seems? Yes. 12 years of pantomime cow, Steve McQueen continues his series of what it's like doing one job for 12 years films with part two.

A rather more light hearted efforts, this one with Ray Finder's Irmintrude Fronts and Anne Hathaway's Irmintrude Back. And Canadian hustle, basically the same, but with much less happening, some beers and an escape motion. Also, we look at the fashion. Obviously, a big part of the big American award ceremonies as John would note out, testify from his recent... What was the awards... Did you have a special frock because you you hosted an award, isn't it?

Oh, I did. Yeah, I wore, um, well, it's Oscar Dillahoyer. You're right. Well, I'd big shorts, big spaggly shorts. Yeah. He's got a lovely line in them. It was the original Oscar Dillahoyer. We thought that might be the stupidest thing I've ever said, Andy. Wow, that's a big clue.

I didn't even think about it before I said it. It was only after I thought that it might be the stupidest joke I've ever said. Well, this year's hot Hollywood designer is, of course, a gloop in strange, very much the hot property for the stars this year, offers new range of literal clothing, resulted in a near-fatality at the Golden Globes. The award ceremony named, of course, staff the Butch Reynolds is nuts. At the Golden Globes, the actress Pippet Newbrain, star of recent TV shows such as My Aunt is a Penguin, Dungeons of Bread and the sitcom Administrative Workers. She wore strangers' exciting

new net-wear product, the Feather Boer, which Strangered made by surgically sewing feathers from a freshly plucked peacock, onto a live bower constrictor. The scarf looked amazing, particularly when it started moving, apparently, of its own accord. The gasso admiration has new brain posed for the cameras, which seemed only to stir the scarf, still further until the actress was writhing around in breathless agony on the red carpet, shouting at the assemble photographers, don't shoot me from the left, I have a mole. Whilst strange ran forward with a syringe screaming, oh balls I forgot to tranquilise him, and new brains agent ran forward with a syringe screaming, oh balls I forgot to tranquilise her. Also look out for in the other little clothing,

high-eal shoes made from cocaine, adult conger eels, and stockings made from the charred overalls of the late former stock car racing champion, Daniel Flout. Well, that's in the bin. Top story this week, Ukraine update. Well, Andy, it has been quite a couple of weeks in Ukraine. In fact, things are happening so fast over there at the moment that there's absolutely no guarantee that what we're saying right now is going to be relevant whenever you listen to this, even if you listen to it in the next 12 hours.

Basically, if you blink in Kiev at the moment, you may miss three separate changes of government and in fact Ukraine may not even be called Ukraine anymore. It might be called Russia, more Europe or the Eastern Bonfire. The main headline. That was a weak name, wasn't it? In your early days? It was, yeah. It was. more Europe or eat the Eastern Bonfire. The main headline. That was a wiki name, wasn't it? In your early days? It was, yeah, it was.

I thought they could use it. I can loan it out. The main headline this week is that President Weird Al Yannikovic is gone. And not just from presidential office, but gone in the physical sense too, as he seems to have vanished into thin air and no one is entirely sure where he is.

It's a David Blaine level disappearing act and if David Blaine had killed hundreds of protesters before doing it and that's possible Andy, he's an edgy magician, he wears a leather jacket. Well in fact he's already changed because he has now since probably since he's since you were last awake John, because I noticed it very early in the morning. Yeah. So he's very early in the morning, state, he's turned up in Russia and given a press conference. He's definitely in Russia, isn't he? He's definitely in Russia,

and he's given a press conference saying that he will fight. He will fight for his country. Oh my God! I thought he said, I will fight for my country, so he's not going to specify whether that is Russia or Ukraine. But it also said, I intend to continue to struggle for the future of Ukraine against terror and fear. I think you might have got his flaws

and against mixed up there. But anyway, he's back, John. He's back since you wrote that last lie. It just goes to show it. Things are happening fucking fast over there. So there's currently, unless I'm wrong again, an interim government led by Interim President, Alexander Turchinoff,

amid concerns that Ukraine is so divided now that it might be about to split up with itself. And Russia is exactly as pleased with the outcome as you'd expect from an ex-boyfriend who really wants to get back together with the girl he used to knock around and who's now trying to see someone else. And they can really speak their mind on this,

the Russians now, especially because they're no longer, well, conveniently, they're no longer tied down by needing to put a face on for the Olympics anymore. So Russia can really take off the gloves that they never really put on. And just as a warm-up this week, Russian Prime Minister Demetri Medvedev

described the new government in Ukraine as mutineas who had conducted an armed mutiny. Well, that is semantically sound-and-any. Armed mutineas are what mutineas tend to do. As Medvedev always been such a sticklerantically sound, Andy. Armed mutinies are what mutinies tend to do. Has Medvedev always been such a stickler for language, Andy. The new government are rioters who have participated in riots. Ah, Medvedev is a stickler of a grammar

as much as he's a stickler for complete subservience to the Russian state. Ah, ah, ah. Last Sunday, Ukraine's parliament reduced the official status of the Russian language in their country, overturning a law that had been brought in by Yanukovych and Putin essentially responded by saying, what the pity you downgraded Russian is your official language. Now you will not be able to understand us when we tell you to go fuck yourselves! Yeah, Russia is certainly getting involved. I found it a bit hard to keep up with this,

because it might have kicked off whilst I was in Napoli, snouted down in a series of sensational pizzas, and it's very ultra-paid attention on major news stories. With that or a mouthful of mozzarella, but I don't have a man, it's like eating fresh god. But I'll do my best. And as you say, Russia had been showing the world its friendly face during the Winter Olympics, even going so far as to involve in some self-deprecating humor in the closing ceremony, referring back to the opening ceremony

bloop in which one of the Olympic rings failed to materialize. Of course, behind the happy laughter was the certain dollars that whoever was responsible for that original mistake has probably spent much of the last two weeks desperately stocking up on extremely thermal underwear for the 30 years of very cold winters that lie ahead in his involuntary new home. But just days after Smiley Russia wagled its good by arse at the world like at the 1950s pin up girl nation

it never pretended to be at the 1950s. It is now isely staring with dead eyed borderline psychotic fixed mouth Richter's grin at the rest of the world and unzipping its Cold War issue trousers before plonking a very militaristic dick on the table for everyone to fail to converse about. And I hope I've explained what's going on in terms of the youth of today can understand. There are suggestions that Russian vehicles have been seen in the Crimea, they've been Russian flags hoisted by pro-Russia forces.

And it's all a bit worrying, John. This place you, Krain, is disturbingly in Europe, John. It is in Europe. And civil wars in Eastern Europe have a bit of a checkered history for spilling over the last exactly one hundred and a half years. Ukraine is currently facing straight into the void of bankruptcy. It's currencies at a 10-year low and one report this week said, a promise loan from Russia is looking increasingly unlikely. Yeah, no shit is looking unlikely.

You're not getting that money now. That loan was not from the bottom of their heart. It was from the middle of their clenched fist in fact you shouldn't think of that as a bailout think of it as a bribe so who exactly is running the Ukraine right now well as I mentioned before the interim president is Alexander Turchinoff he's 49 years old and if you've seen a picture of him he looks like someone who was just kidnappednap Liam Dyson's daughter again. He's an ex, Baptist minister. It's a strong look. Sure is. He's also written a number of novels, which are mainly dark stories about political corruption. Well, you know what they say, Andy, right what you know. In fact,

one of those books, his 2005 novel The Illusion of Fear, was actually made into a movie and was submitted as the 2008 entry for best foreign language film at the Academy Awards. It didn't actually make the short list. And having watched the trailer for it, Andy, I think I know why. And that's because it may have been in the wrong category. Because after watching it, I think it should have been in the category of most bananas piece of inexplicable filmmaking cooked up by someone in the middle of a pay-oat-y-induced fever dream.

A little more background. Her touch-and-off has close close ties to Julia Timochenko, serving as her deputy prime minister in the past. Her Timochenko is the ex prime minister of Ukraine who's co-offed like a platinum blonde princess layer, and who was released from prison this week after spending the last few years in jail for embezzlement and abuse of power, albeit after a trial that was in front of a court so kangaroo

like that it literally had a fur pounce for Yana Kovic to sit in hanging from the front of the judges desk. The concern of protesters in Kiev is that this might be setting up for her return to power, meaning that it is less a step forward into a brand new future, as it is a step backwards into a slightly less lothsome past. Russia has accused the European Union of instigating a coup d'etat by mob violence, which is a refreshing change for the European Union, which is usually accused of being excessively regulated about the shape of bananas. But I guess it's good to be flexible as an organization.

Today, mandatory cucumber growth regulations tomorrow instigate bloody popular evolution in a nearby state. Oh, I've got to be great to be the EU. The current concern, as you mentioned, is that the Crimea seems to be as combustible as it's possible to be. It's an autonomous region, the Crimea, predominantly Russian speaking and it is very much Yanukovych's territory. There are actually concerns that the Crimea may want to become a Russian territory again, now. It's been part of the Ukraine for the last 60 years since Khrushchev, who was a Ukrainian, redrew internal Soviet boundaries to make a gift of the peninsula to Ukraine. And that must have felt so nice for the Crimea around. It has suddenly been

objectified as someone's gift. It must be so humanising to have Russian soldiers suddenly turn up and start gift wrapping your village and telling you all to keep quiet so as not to spoil the surprise. The only thing more demoralising that would have been having to watch the Ukraine fake enthusiasm for the gift as they unwrapped it. Oh, you got a subpoensular. How did you know? It'll be the perfect accessory to our border. Was there a receipt for this at all in case we just rather have the cash alternative? Of course, Crimea, the celebrity peninsula, was responsible for springing Florence Nightingale to prominence.

Yes. In the mid-19th century, War Florence Nightingale, of course, the Nefertiti of Nursing, the Monroe of Medicine, the Bridget Bardot of Battlefield bombs. Oh, yeah, it's all coming back. And is he say it's say it's hotly disputed. And a Russian, a pro-Russian forces apparently have been blockading, Sevastopol air, put the Eurichranising Tyrian Ministers, he said they are Russian military forces, pro-Russian gunmen have storms, the administrative complex in Simferopol. Of course, the only city in the world named off an ointment for troublesome

scrotal exma. And throughout, I mean, part of the problem is that throughout history, Ukraine has changed hands like an indecisive Saudi Arabian serial thief, which are with a pawnshop of prosthetics about to go on a first date with an award winning and judgmental manicurist. One of the most spectacular revelations over the last week has been the sheer opulence of the country of state of Yannickovic. It was not surprising, though, is it John? Well, I guess not. It was the depth of it, which was perhaps slightly surprising.

It was thrown open to the public after the parliamentary vote that removed him from power, and people have been walking around it with their mouths just to finally hanging open. It used to be a state resident but Yanakovic illegally made it his own private mansion in 2007 classic, clashing move. And after that he embarked on a huge renovation project. As journalists walked around they saw, among other things, papers half destroyed by water, classic to take a move. 25 rounds for an AK-47 machine gun,

even special underwater cartridges. Why the fuck did he need underwater bullets, Andy? Was he genuinely wanting to turn himself into a Bond villain? Because if you type underwater cartridges into Amazon, it will immediately say customers who like this also liked eye patches. Other bizarre objects

they found were a two kilogram golden loaf of bread which is a real f*** you to Ukrainian peasants across the country. It's also nightmare at nightmare in a toaster. When the danger of an electric shock from that, I really cannot be underestimated. Also, they found two vehicle fleets with tens of cars costing between $100,800,000 each. Stuffed birds crucified onto wooden crosses. What? What? Jesus would have wanted, John. Why the hell did he want a selection of war-mounted bird Jesus' Andy?

That is so bizarre. I don't think we ever gave you enough credit on this podcast. A world leader with a wall of crucified bird Jesus' is right in the Bugles wheelhouse. And which sat down with God. Journalists also found the video collection of him. Apparently he preferred films about Matthew, Gankster's, Life in Prison and Joseph Stalin. And one of his DVDs apparently had the conspicuous name, Embezzlers of State Property. I'm not sure that was a film as much as that was a home movie.

The most magnificent find, however, was, and I quote, a bed spread with a naked picture of Yanukovic. Yes! And the... Yes! This really begs the question, has there ever in human history been a dictator with good taste, Andy? Has there been a single new found dictator who has said to a designer, I like a sleek, modern minimalist look. Let's just get some nice, nice quality pieces in here, clean lines, maybe a couple of orchids, nothing too flashy, and of course I nearly forgot a gigantic bed spread with an naked portrait

of me on it. Well, of course, no sooner, as you say the words, hard line President Aus did be nuttered than the words, ludicrous luxury residences revealed, followed, as well as accusations of massive levels in v-buzzlement, and inevitably Swiss bank accounts frozen. All those phrases followed in a dance as old, despotism itself, and also as older Swiss political and moral neutrality itself. Slightly less expected though, following on from the thing that you've revealed about what was in there, this palace, were the words, owned a replica Spanish galleon and keeps, and keeps ostriches in the garden. That is a lovely twist, John. That is a nice thing to have on your dating

website profile, I imagine. I'm telling you, Andy, it was somewhere this compound between Kim Jong-un, Donald Trump, Versailles and Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch back in its heyday and its P-candy before Martin Bashir ruined everything. But ironically, it was the Galley and Fan Yanukovych who found himself all at sea and even more ironically, it was the ostrich owning president himself who took flight. Thank you very much. Thank you. On Wednesday night, the new cabinet was unveiled to a crowd of protesters and the new Prime Minister, Arseneev Yatsunjuk. Yes, that's right.

Let's just pause and think about that name for a bit. Arseneev Yatsunjuk. pause and think about that name for a bit. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. Yes, and New York. Well, that is. Yeah, he gave an incredible interview to the BBC in which you said, and I quote, very mind, this is him being unveiled to the country, Andy. This is inauguration speech. He said in an interview, we are to undertake extremely unpopular steps as the previous government and previous president were so corrupted that the country

is in a desperate financial plight. We're on the brink of disaster and this is the government of political suiciders, so welcome to hell. Holy shit, Andy! That guy really knows how to inspire people. Welcome to hell. Is that the Ukrainian version of Yes We Can? Because that might be the bleakest, realest inauguration speech I've ever heard. It is with great reluctance that I accept the role of Prime Minister. This is going to be awful. The only consolation I have is that as I am, you are all even more fucked. May God bless Ukraine and he hasn't so far so I frankly don't see why he's suddenly start now. Welcome to Hell Mother f**kers! Strong start, very strong.

You might be wondering what the international community has been doing in the midst of all this. And so far the reaction has been to say, all this is all a little bit awkward. And once again we go with the fingers crossed. Hope for the most technique that has proved so successful. Elsewhere. a little different Andy as my contact with them has largely been in the form of an awkward exit interview. Mr Oliver, can you tell us why you're leaving? Oh, mainly due to complete lack of interest. Okay, sorry it didn't work out. Are you sorry? No, that was basically my contact with them. The UK immigration process though may soon become less an application

and more an auction because it's been proposed by a government committee in the UK that Britain essentially auction off residency applications to the highest bidder. And that really captures the romantic dream of immigrants looking for a better life, doesn't it Andy? A group of billionaires in the room with auction paddles and a fast-talking souther-be's employee saying, our next lot, an official residency of the United Kingdom, very attractive lot, potentially useful for investment or tax purposes. What am I made?

One million, one million, do I hear one million, two million, two million, do I hear five million, five million, five million, five million, general matter, back 10, 10 million, 10 million pounds, I worry there are plenty more of these as many as there needs to be, despite what the UK migration process has to us, I'll look at these,

10 million, 10 million, 10 million, it's all to the suspicious, lucky man in the expensive suit. With the red laser dot on his forehead, I wanted to get his bid in extremely quickly. This is basically Britain, Britishness for sale. I mean, you just need to look at the owners of Premier League football clubs to know that a lot of money is very helpful in getting accepted into Britain. We've really done care where that money came from or whose money

it really is, as long as you have access to it, and there's f***ing loads of it. The migration advisory committee report suggested bumming up the £1 million price tag for getting residents see £1 million plus not having too many obvious murders on your CV. Bumping this up to 2 million, which should keep the riff riff out, John. We want to make sure we get the highest caliber of dodgy oligarch using bridges as a assassination buffer and buying up what was considered on national resources. It's amazing, so the lesson they've taken away from Andy is not that this system seems to have been corrupted with money, it's all we need to charge more. That's it. And this came out in the same week that government figures reveal they are

spectacularly missing their stated targets for net migration, which has risen over 30% in a year to more than 200,000 in the last year. Now I knew this would happen, Jon, as soon as we started building harbours and shit like that here thousands of years ago. And also when human beings started developing a mental capacity to want to move to a different place, if things were a bit shit, in the place they were living, such as when there were too many dinosaurs or not enough berries or over bubbly volcano, that kind of stuff. It's been a human impulse ever since and we should never let it get out of hand. Many people are coming here from the recession-stricken

southern European states, the Mediterranean states, such as Spain and Greece. And yet, at the same time, our government has been proudly announcing how awesomely fucking well our economy is now doing, or at least how awesomely, relatively undressost, disastrous our economy is now doing, or at least some bits of that economy in some parts of the country.

But John, if they're worried about net migration, they should not be making these figures public. and the rest of the rest of the world, and the rest of the world, and the rest of the world, and the rest of the world, and the rest of the world, and the rest of the world, and the rest of the world, and the rest of the world, and the rest of the world, and the rest of the world, and the rest of the world,

and the rest of the world, and the rest of the world, and the rest of the world, and the rest of the world, and the rest of the world, and the rest of the world, and the rest of the world, and the rest of the world,

and the rest of the world, and the rest of the world, and the rest of the world, and the rest of the world, and the rest of the world, and the rest of the world, and the rest of the for a state-run media pumping out lies about the state of the nation, which to be fair, is what most tourists think the BBC is. We basically need a media that will fake footage of famine, pestilence, war and death on the streets of Leifie Surrey, and all the wild things can be totalling along nicely. This is, if this is the concern, John. But instead of that, we are flogging off spots

in Britain, and basically, hauring ourselves out to the highest bidder, which I guess is all part of the bump and grind of daily capitalism, but it looks bad, John, it looks bad. If it goes through, this will be the first scheme of its kind in the world and would be the first step into essentially turning the UK immigration process into a game show that you could bribe your way to win. So David Metcalf, who is a chairman of the committee that proposed this, said, I don't find it demeaning to the UK at all. He said that, presumably, with his pockets stuffed with money.

About 100 visas a year would be auctioned with the winners getting accelerated settlement into the UK and comes up with a host of extra benefits. But why stop there Andy? Why stop there? Because if you pay 20 million, why don't we offer some more perks? You can drive as fast as you want, wherever you want. For 100 million you should be able to kill one person a year in a manner of you're choosing. Why don't we Andy? If money is the key problem here, why don't we just turn the UK into a gigantic game reserve? I'm sure there'll be applications. Well, that's the story we talked about the other week about the, the, yes, the Rhino. Exactly. Sure, you know, if you know, if you auctions the hide of Prince Charles, releasing him onto Dartmoor and letting 20 billionaires

around the world hunt him down with crossbows. I mean, that will become what probably about as wealthy as I think. There's a moral argument against that Andy, but there is not a good economic argument against it. Which means there is not a good argument against it. That's not a bad job. We are a business, not a country. We should be hunting down Prince Charles as he runs terrified around the country. And the world's richest men try and shoot him in the ass. Actually, no, shoot him anywhere other than the ass so they can mount his ass to the walls of the gigantic apartments they never actually live in.

That, Andy, is the future of Britain's economy. Aviation Feature section now and this year, 2014, marks the 100th anniversary of the first commercial passenger flight. And of course, commercial passenger flights now all the range believe you've taken some John I certainly have. Doesn't it. Doesn't that also mean Andy if it was the hundredth anniversary the first ever commercial flight that it was also the hundredth anniversary of the first passenger complaint that the flight

was delayed the first time someone's that going, Oh come on, I got a meeting on going to be late for. Oh come on. Well you say that. In fact the flight was in Florida on the first of January 1913. The 23 mile jaunts between Tampa and St Petersburg on the first of January. The pilot was a 25 year old by the name of Tony Janus flying the aircraft desired a Thomas Benwust's Wooden Muslim flying boat number 43. I don't think many people would go for a Wooden Muslim construct there at plane these days, but he flew it across Tampa Bay and the passenger was a former mayor of St Petersburg, Abram Fell, and he paid $400 at auction,

which in today's money is around $10,000 for this 23-minute flight. And asked about it afterwards, he said, that is the last time I'm flying with a St Petersburg Tampa Airboat line. The In-Flight Meal was awful. I just had to open my mouth and hope an insect flew in. The flight attendant was clearly just a glove puppet

on the pilot's hand My movie screen was on the blink wouldn't show the films I wanted to watch I was really hoping to see the new Mary Pickford film But it was just some shit stuff from about two years ago and an unnecessary quantity of world cinema Seriously who watches world cinema on a fucking flight and they lost my bags I waited for 45 minutes by the barrage baggage garicel nothing how could they have lost my fucking bag? I was the only fucking guy on that two seat plane and the price, seriously, 400 bucks, that's going to be worth like 10 grand in a hundred years time. I know there was only one seat left on

the flight and I booked it late, obviously I'm the price off, but I'm a fucking mug. I'm going Delta next time. These guys are shite. I think actually it was quite fitting in a way that this, the first ever commercial flight took place in Florida, Andy, because by its nature it was going to be a slightly dangerous leap of faith for someone and you really need the kind of bravery that comes from complete desperation. And if you need a group of people who fit into that category, Andy, look no further than the state of Florida, because you will be not short of people looking into your eyes

and saying, how the fuck do I get out of here as quickly as possible, where do I sign? You have plenty of desperation guinea pigs living in that swamp, Andy. The only disappointment, as you say, is that the flight was 23 minutes long and took off from Florida and landed still in Florida. And that must have been devastating for everyone on board. We're taking off. Yes, we're leaving. The nightmare is over. Hold on. We're landing again. No! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Tampa Florida. Give me death. Give me death. The pilot, as I said, was Tony Janus and I always got a prominent early aviation pioneer. So we're going to have a quick quiz now.

How did this, quote, early aviation pioneer die? Was it A in a plane crash? Oh, no, there are some other options. B, B of natural causes 60 years later. C, swallowed by hippopotamus when rushing the stage at the circus on his day off. D, an over ambitious slam dunk went wrong in approach to Liberty basketball match. E, Crucifixion, F, contracted fatal dose of sexually transmitted rumentism from an arthritic

go-go dancer and caracas. Or G, hunted down and pecked to death by a jealous albatross during a flight. Of course, the answer was, was a plane crash, John. The words early aviation pioneer and lived a long and healthy life without even once dying in a crash have very seldom gone in the same sentence. And that's really been the case ever since Icarus took his famous tumble after his wings melted just as he was announcing to himself, we are currently flying to the east of the sick laddies islands over the beautiful Aegean Sea, increasing an altitude of, let me just

check the altimeter, an altitude of much too close to the sun. So please do sit back, relax and enjoy the fly! I made eye pollocks! How do I get my ass? I was listening. Oh, Bryce! So that was the past of air travel, but what about the future? Well recently plans for a three-story skywile were unveiled, a plane which will apparently fit 755 passengers has virtual reality windows and self-healing wings that can help repair themselves. The skywile does sound incredible, Andy, although it's probably not a great idea to name the most ambitious aircraft in human history after something that can definitely not fly. They can call the Titanic the ocean goats did they handle? Even though I suppose that's essentially what it turned out to be.

It's also just asking for trouble if you're ever in Japanese airspace. That is enough, that is enough matter. For the actual reality window, John, I mean what? Yeah. That is enough, that is enough matter. Virtual reality windows, John, I mean what? Yeah. When I'm doing what? So can you basically program them so that it shows you some kind of other reality that you wouldn't be able

to see out of a real window such as you can maybe program it so you look out and it looks like you've just dropped a payload of bombs over wartime Germany or that they're a terror act all the way everywhere. I've just seen that is unnecessary technology for me John. I just haven't been many times I've been sitting on a plane looking out the window and I've thought to myself, I wonder if it what it would look like outside if it was completely different. But I just, is that necessary? Apparently the sky whale will split passengers into three classes, each with their own deck,

in a modern-day version of the Titanic's strict division of passengers. The three classes would be tourist class, the equivalent of economy, tourist class with skyviews, or business class, and finally first class, which would have also skyviews and also, and I quote, all conceivable luxuries. And it's good to know, Andy, that even in a utopian future technology, there is a rigorous class system still in place. Separate. I'd hate for us to have collectively evolved past that in the future.

All conceivable luxuries, John. That is a big, big claim, John. I mean, you're talking about cricket net with bowling machine there. That's... I mean, I'm sure other cricket net with bowling machine there. That's... I mean, I'm sure other people could see other luxuries beyond even that. Air travel is now so safe. In fact, scientists claim that if you did nothing but take flights from airport to airport in developed countries, you will never die. Admittedly, those scientists paid for by a group of the world's leading airlines, but their scientists nonetheless, John, and that is how science has always worked.

Do you think people gave a shit about whether or not water boiled until the tea companies realized there was money to be made from it? Of course I f***ing didn't. That is science, John. Also in the Inflite Entertainment, of course, huge battles for the various airlines to get the very latest films and the new Skyworld claims

that not only will have the very latest films seconds after release, but also real-time feeds from electrodes implanted in the skulls of the world's leading film directors to show you what they're thinking thus giving you a sneak preview of what films might be made in two or three years' time. So exciting times for a... a hair travel. Your emails now and this one comes from Gregory in Panyu, China, on the subject heads up, dear John Andy and Chris, in order of contempt felt by the people's Republic of China.

It appears that you're on China's shit list, I believe that's a technical doubt. What was the great firewall is blocking all methods of downloading the bugle. We've made a job. We've been blocked by the Chinese government. That's huge. That's great, Andy. Congratulations. That's, I mean, that could not be solid.

Four or five listeners or five weeks. Yeah. Weekly chart. Wow, that's something that's, he carries on oddly podcast sick and wrong is not blocked and they consistently report on the most embarrassingly Demented news events here in China However, it seems that John Hodgman your old daily show colleague remains on very good terms with the red army Oh, that makes sense. Yeah, that makes sense. I've always thought about money. Yeah He's got all that Apple money and he just sits.

It's a numbers game for the Chinese. Well, it's very exciting. I mean, I'm sure there are no direct consequences to being an official enemy of the Chinese state. It sounds good to me. We have another email here from Kathleen Hansmann who says, dear Andy John and Chris, I wanted to show you how bugle merchandise is being worn when performing home surgery in South Africa.

Here's a candid photo of my boyfriend removing stitches with a leather man and tweezers from his toes after a recent injury. And she, she's attached the photo and there he is, Andy, clearly wearing a bugle t-shirt with a torch strapped to his head, removing stitches with a leather man. And I think that just proves, Andy, that the bugle t-shirts are have a 100% success rates during major surgeries. That is assuming that her boyfriend did not die in surgery. Which we don't know. We don't know. We don't know. One means that remains to be confirmed.

But if he did, then they have a hundred percent kill rights So either way it is a it is a useful garment to own one that you can buy at the bugle podcast talk on Where you will always a major or minor surgeries? I reckon I mean a heart surgery you probably want to go with the scarf. I think Because you could sort of just took tighten that around your neck like a tourniquet as a sort of an aesthetic. Is that how an aesthetics work? I'm not sure. This one came from Kender's rule, right, Stair, Andy, Chris and John. I live in Lincolnshire, near roughly 40 RAF bases. If Putin decides he really wants to keep his new acquisition, the Ukraine, then it's possible

Hill nuke anything in the UK in the US which looks even slightly dangerous. So if Putin puts his foot down I am toast. How about you? So what a Lincoln's show. They always said you take out Lincoln's year. You take out Europe. I'm not sure they have always said that but I got married in Lincoln's year and that didn't you all know that did not that did not attract the attention of the Russian military as far as we're currently aware. Let's, I think to find out how likely it is for Lingajer to get blown two pieces. I have a quick check on the latest news, see if during the 40 minutes it's taken to record this show. There have been any major developments, will Janikovych Vyah, a Vyah fighter back.

I mean, it's, I don't know, I think, I think maybe we should, oh, British troops massing off the coast of Crimea. Oh, that's exciting. Nurses on board. Vyah, lovers on, boys. Getting very retro. So thanks for emails, do get them coming into info at thebugelpodcast.com and don't forget to check out the SoundCloud page, SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen bugle.

That's it for this week, we are back next week with bugle 262. Until then there is nothing further to add, apart from stuff that other people are saying. But that's not on this show. There's nowhere else. And this shows basically... Stick the landing on it. Stick the landing. Yeah, stick the landing.

Don't think you'll add a tool. Mmm. Bye!