The Bugle - Bugle 262 – Insane in the Ukraine

Episode Date: March 7, 2014

Russia marches into Ukraine whilst the west tuts, the pope brings something back from the dead and massive virus discovered in ice. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. This is a podcast from TheBuglePodcast.com. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world!

Hello, Bugleers and welcome to issue 262 of the Bugle for the week beginning Monday, 10th of March. 2014, that calendar just cannot stop itself. I am Andy Zoltzman, the Quentin Tarantino of the Carbonara, and joining me from New York City, USA, it's the man who could have been William Schattener if things had panned out very differently indeed on a number of levels. Small world.

It's the satirical slap hammer himself. John Oliver. Hello Andy, hello, Vuegler's. Andy, on Wednesday night, I did a charity event where I had to interview Questlove, the drama from the Rooms, the musical director of the tonight's show, the writer DJ, restaurant, lecture, and current occupant of literally 12 separate jobs. He is single-handedly keeping the unemployment rate in America high.

I believe he sleeps for 20 minutes a day hanging upside down like a bat. That is the only fathomable way he can get so much work done. But the most notable part of the interview was that he had just had some pretty major dental surgery which he'd involved in taking gas and it's the first time I've ever interviewed someone who is still visibly in a dental gas house. He had quite an experience during his surgery and you know how some people like to take acid and then listen to pink fluids dark side of the moon. Well, he decided to load it onto his iPods and listen to it while under dental gas. But have mistakenly put it on repeat

and left it on the track which has demonic laughter on it. And by the time he realised what had happened, the gas is rendered him unable to move a press skip and he was stuck in a gas haze listening to an incessant loop of demonic laughter. That is the definition of a f***ing nightmare Andy, fully aware of your surroundings unable to move while your head echoes with the sound of cackling and a man drills into your face. That's what I'm like, a gagsjul.

Apparently, he was trying to summon the strength just to pull the earphones out of the iphone where he couldn't do it. And the fact that he could tell that story the same day without harrowingly reliving the appalling experience shows that he's either an incredibly well adjusted person or he was still high on dental gas. As a couple of side notes, the teaser to my new HBO show is going to be on HBO this Sunday night after the final episode of True Detective. I'll tweet out the link to it once it's available.

But the teaser is a fascinating sneak peek into a show that it is in no way reflective of. And that's just solid marketing right there and that's what you're supposed to do. Absolutely. You don't. absolutely. Just like Mike trying to see all these issues by showing your piece of broccoli. That's what it looks. And finally, there were a number of bublers this week who felt the need to alert me to the onion, apparently doing a version of my Oscar de la Hollywood dress joke, but they Oscar coverage last weekend.

People seem to want to see me take some legal action over it, but that's not going to happen. And I'll tell you why. One, I'm sure there's nothing the fairies going on. It's entirely possible that two people simply came up with the same profoundly stupid idea. And two, you can't sue over a joke that is literally worthless. It's almost worth me suing. And then, and winning, just so I can have have a judge say I hear by find that your intellectual property rights have been infringed and the court awards damages of zero dollars to the plaintiff. The reason being this is the single dumbest joke the court has ever been exposed to.

The only thing worse than one person telling it is two people telling it. I hear by sentence both of you to death. So, as always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin. This week, a travel guide, sponsored travel guide, sponsored by Holy Drones, the leading holiday by drone specialist yet another military trickle down benefit to you. The consumer not only can drones be used to deliver instant American speed justice, as well as wedding presents from pretty far off the giflist, and parcels from Amazon, but now thanks to our friends at Holy Drones, you and your family can take exotic foreign

holidays in the privacy of your own living room by sending your drone on vacation for you, with real-time footage streamed directly to your internet and able TV. The holiday drone will beam back video from the beach, a nice restaurant, a top-level museum, and leading tourist sites like, for example, Europe or Disneyland. So you can save yourself a hat of actually travelling to these filthy places that are packed with people speaking funny. It can also take you to places you would never even thought of going on holiday, the war torn democratic republic of Congo, for example, or inaccessible places, like somewhere where penguins like to hump, or the White House. With a 360 degree rotating camera,

the holiday drone will give you a full immersive holiday style experience, sightseeing, sunbathing, and even offering internet-linked artificial intelligence, able to order a takeaway that is the closest match to the cuisine of wherever your holodrone is currently buzzing around. It can even with its instant message touchscreen light up a holiday romance with someone else's drone, priced at just $80,000 per week rental. The holodrone is much more expensive than actually going on holiday and therefore significantly better. Top story this week and same in the Ukraine. Brilliant scene, got no brain. Well, it's very notable the more you get to the stage where you are in charge of TV shows

in America that's your innate punning is coming to the surface. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I don't want overstressed the little amount of thought that went into that. That happened faster than my brain was working. Well, that just shows, I think that is your true comedic soul coming out, Joe. There's someone called Oscar De La Renta and I don't know if he or she makes shoes or dresses or both. I don't know. But I know that people like him or her. Right. And I do know Oscar De La Jolla.

Yeah, because I just know that those two names are similar. And I could have said the normal one, but instead for no reason, not even a particularly comedic one, and it's hard to say the wrong one. So I just, I thought, I think it, not knowing that that was a pun made it a better joke. But.

No. That I think you're right. I think you're right. I think that's a fair point. Well, the point is Andy. Yep. What a week. If last week was about Ukraine,

this week has emphatically been about Russia, and I guess to a lesser extent also about the troubling Ukraine. That was quite a white knuckle diplomatic rollercoaster the world has been on. At one point on Monday, it seemed like the US and Russia two nuclear arm nations were headed for all out war. The matchup, the world has been on. At one point on Monday, it seemed like the US and Russia two nuclear arm nations were headed for all-out war.

The matchup the world has been waiting to see for a century. They shocked ease the world for 24 hours. But once again, in an act of almost tantric war mungering, both sides pulled back from the brink just before a gigantic explosion. Monday was a tense, tense day. With one of the most low-key invasions the world has ever seen. In fact, it wasn't even clear if it wasn't

invasions by Russian troops at one point during the day or just a misplaced stroll. Apparently suspected Russian troops are say suspected because they weren't wearing Russian army uniforms turned up in the Crimea on Monday morning and just started standing around. Locals were seeing going up to them and chatting, trying to work out what exactly was going on, whether this was an invasion or an impromptu birthday party. If it was a military manoeuvre, Andy, it was a f***ing casual one. Although, it is worth remembering that that's basically how the British Empire conquered two thirds of the world. Exactly. Essentially just turning up and saying, do you mind if I put my bag down here? Thanks ever so much. That was a long trip.

I'll just sit down in your house over there for a moment. Which of my I'm picking my bag up and taking it inside. Thanks ever so kindly. Now I'm supposed to be an absolute doll and build a railway line between here and Delhi. If you need me, I'll be over there pointing a shot going at you while you're doing it. Be quiet. Just hearing some breaking news now in a tip for Tats move, responding to Russian presence in the Crimea, America has announced that it has occupied Nova Scotia. The dangly Canadian Peninsula has been taken over without a bullet being fired as the US troops have hoisted the flags of their favourite football teams up. So this is, I mean, this is

spreading, John, as all wars do. Very dangerous. Here in the US, there was hope earlier in the week that even if Putin would not listen to reason, he might instead listen to the stock market. There was instability all day on Monday, and a journalist of CNN actually hoped that on, I quote, the market could react as a diplomat. And here's the problem with that concept, Andy. Russia seemed to back down in a way. By Tuesday, the market had bounced back completely. And the worst lesson we could possibly take away from this

is that the market engineered an impressive-feated diplomacy and should henceforth function as our moral compass. Because the market, let's be clear Andy, the market is not a diplomat, it is a f***ing sociopath. Sure, sure, the market might not want a military occupation in Ukraine, but it very much does want factories full of Indonesian 12-year-olds trying not to let their fingers bleed over the low grade t-shirts they're making. It'll be a new low for humanity. If one of the nominees for this year's Nobel Peace Prize is the market, especially seeing as, and this is true, one of the nominees it would be going up against is Vladimir Putin.

His name was actually put forward as a nominee for the Nobel Peace Prize this year for reasons they're not 100% clear. One, it could have been for his assistance in getting chemical weapons out of Syria last year. Two, it could have been as a joke. Three, it could have been as a bet. And four, it could have been a filing error. And the person in question was trying to nominate him for the award for Old Man Who's Chest, most resembles an overstuffed leather couch. That's right, Vlad Putin, the self-styled Rusky-Rap Scally in the St. Petersburg Scallywag, Mickey Miss G from Moscow. The Kremlin Gremlin is not budging an inch.

Well, that's not strictly true. The top of his middle finger is budging by about two inches upwards towards the rest of the world. He said on Tuesday, this was amazing, that Russia was, quote, not considering annexing Crimea. Very much like I am not considering whether to come into the recording studio for the recording

that I'm now already doing. And there's been further spanner thrown in the works by the Crimean MPs in the local Crimean government who voted in favor of a law declaring Crimean a part of the Russian Federation by 78 votes to 0. 78 nils on 100%. That is a suspiciously Russian sounding margin of victory in a vote. That is a kind of margin of victory that Vladimir Putin himself would consider a little bit of a disappointment and vow to work harder to bounce back from.

It really would be incredible Andy, if he won the Nobel Peace Prize this year, after getting up to this level of border and fracking, uh, shenanigans. There have been some ludicrous nominees and indeed recipients of the Nobel Peace Prize in the past, but Vladimir Putin winning it this year of all years would really be something. If he won, Putin I think would have been the first Nobel Peace Prize winner to strap the award to the front of a tank and drive it straight into central Kiev before doing donuts in independent square. It's not an invasion, how can it be on the king of peace? The financial side of it has had some, quite a lot of attention here, there was a government

document that was photographed being carried into Downing Street for a meeting of senior ministers that said that London's financial centre should not be closed to Russians, basically saying we'd like to do a bit more, but it is economically inconvenient. And it shows that we in Britain, we will stand steadfast in defence of our principles. The document also suggested that Britain should push Banky Moon to take the lead in calling and creating a forum for engaging Russia on Ukraine. So there is nothing more that we can do. John, no sacrifice is too great for maintaining the sanctity of national self-government where

it is threatened. And we will take the strongest action conceivable. We will urge someone else to create a forum for engaging in discussions. For we are Britain, John. We may have lost some things that define us as a nation with the pitiless passage of that unstoppable uber-beach time. We may have lost, for example, our willingness to fork out for a functioning justice system, our sacred principles of personal freedom, our military's ability to do anything

beyond being mentioned earnestly in politicians' speeches, our economic dignity and self-determination. But whatever else we may lose as a nation and by lose, I mean, willfully abandon for short term economic and ideological petiness. We will always, steadfastly retain, our innate British ability to urge someone else to create a forum for engaging in discussions. No giggling. That was so rousing, Andy and you're a downbeat church. That's right. The last thing you lose is a one-time political heavyweight. And just before you thought Putin could not make this situation any more tense,

he even conducted a long-range missile test on Tuesday in one of the least subtle pieces of gigantic metal-dicks-winging imaginable. If I wouldn't have been in the least bit surprised if the Russians had constructed a gigantic pair of trousers around the missile, unzipped the front of the... Just poked the missile out, wackeled it around a bit, and then and only then fired it before zipping the trousers triumphantly back up. The Russians were at pains to point out that they had informed the international community when they were about

to fire it in full compliance with international law. But of course they did, Andy, that's the whole point. They would have loved making that call. Oh, hello, America. I just wanted you to know that we're testing a long-range missile, we're about to fire it. What's that else? Is this test connected to us arguing right now? No, no, no, no, no, no, you know that we're testing a long range missile about to fire it, what's that? Is this test connected to us arguing right now? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, and then crossed our minds, what a funny thought. I just wanted to let you know it was happening,

that we were testing a long range missile, really long, long range missile, what's that? Could it reach you? Gwaggah, I hadn't even crossed my mind, probably, maybe, I don't know, definitely, I don't know, who knows? Anyway, better go fire it now, stay away from your windows, just kidding, or not, bye. Putin, of course, the man who puts the NAA into national law, had a bit of a chinwag on the blow last night with Obama, a one hour call.

Now, one hour, John, that must have been quite a lot of small talk, because presumably the main gist of the conversation was presumably, so regarding NIT. We really should posh all nachoi. Either side of that bit of sport chat, probably they're both like a bit of sport, maybe talk about girls and motorbikes, whatever young guys, like these two cats, like to chat about these days. I will quote the in the words of the great historian, AJP Taylor, from his influential 1978 disco hits, Rarar Rasputin, the final decline of Tsarist monarchy 1906 to 1918. Oh, those Russians.

Well, if you're looking for a poster, that's the good point though. If you're looking for a positive from all of this mess, it might be that it seems that the Russia-US Cold War might be back on, at least a version of it, and that might not be entirely a terrible thing, because the beauty is that however much they want to, Russia and the United States can't actually fight each other, because if they do, everybody dies. The world basically ends, so instead they have to take all that pent-up energy and apply it to something else. Last time their relationship got this tense, America ended up putting a man on the moon,

basically out of pure spite. They just did it, because they had a sense that Russia probably wanted to do it first. So, game on again, now I guess, because they either find nuclear missiles at each other and end life on Earth as we know it, or they start their engines and race to something that there is no point going to. Brace yourself, Mars. You might be about to get a flag shot, didn't you? And I'll tell you what, John, there are going to be some unbelievably fast women 400-meter runners over the next 10 years if these pants out as they could do. That's right. David Cameron, I mean, he's really stepped up to the plate on this one. He has threatened consequences.

If Russia does not do that situation, and if things get even worse than they currently are, he's threatened more consequences. If Russia does not do that situation, and if things get even worse than they currently are, he threatened more consequences. Those were his exact words, nicely vague. The thing with consequences, John, could be anything from full-blown nuclear war to the UK deploying former Olympic Javlin champion, Tessa Sanderson to the Ukrainian border

to throw a jafflin onto Russian soil, to Cameron urinating on a voodoo Vladimir Putin live on television. It's a great prompt for any British Prime Minister, John, that saying there will be consequences in a posh British accent just does not carry the same weight as saying there will be consequences in a Russian accent. That is just the fact of the human voice And today, as we record on Friday, just two or three hundred miles away from the Crimea, the Sochi Paralympics is beginning. A Putin has, in fact, suggested, according to sources close to the bugle, that the entire

Ukraine incident is in fact just part of the closing ceremony from the Winter Olympics that got a bit over long and out of hand as these closing ceremonies inevitably do. And further proof of quite how serious this crisis is came with the news that some countries, John, are considering not sending their dignitaries to the Paralympic opening ceremony. You cannot send Russia any clearer message than that. At all. Cameron said a week ago or so, every country should respect the territorial integrity and sovereignty of the Ukraine. Russia has made that commitment, and it is important that Russia keeps its word. The world will be watching, said Cameron.

And he was right. Russia did not keep its word, and the world is indeed standing by and watching with a bit of a scale on its face. All in all, as you suggest, it has been arguably one of the weirdest wars in history, even if it's not technically yet a war. Alongside, for example, Zanzibar versus Britain in 1896, that was a war that lasted 38 minutes. Yes, good war. Britain versus the Netherlands, that was a 335 year long war in which there were a total of zero casualties. Weird war.

It was passive- casualties. Weird war. It was passive aggressive war. Yeah, it was declared. It was, I think, late 17th century, or mid-17th century, the war was declared after some dispute about an island somewhere in the, somewhere off the coast of Britain. And nothing was done about it. And then everyone just forgot there was still a war going on. And a peace treaty was officially signed in the 1980s.

There was the pig war discussed in Bugle 78 that resulted in one dead pig, a bit of name calling and mild beckering between Britain and America. There was an emu war in Australia in which the Australian military managed to lose a war against some emu's and that is more true than it should be and the Russo Antarctic war in which Nikita Khrushchev chipped his tooth on an ice cube while simultaneously drinking a mojito and singing pericomos magic moments of the Cuban night in the Kremlin during the Bay of Pigs Crisis. He collapsed in drunken agony and declared war on Antarctica and all ice. Until it was pointed out to him that he had to invade his own Siberia, which point

he said, our balls was off. The war lasted only eight seconds and resulted in just 120,000 Russian deaths. That's just the way they used to do their wars back then. Ancient virus news now, and there was a particularly terrifying story this week, unless you live in Ukraine, Syria, Somali, Egypt, or any of the many, many countries where there is a lot of frightening news that is not merely theoretical. But an ancient virus has come back to life after lying dormant for at least 30,000 years. It was found frozen in a deep layer of the Siberian permafrost.

But after it thought it became infectious once again. Did it have to be Siberia? And it was probably trapped under about a hundred feet of historically frozen tears. And the point is, that sequence of sentences also reads that the plot on the back cover of an abandoned VHS tape found behind a liquidated blockbuster. Ice virus, Jean-Claude Van Damme is professor De Blinsky, who accidentally releases a 30,000 year old disease while drilling for frozen Siberian plutonium. Can he defeat the ancient disease with a roundhouse kick? Yes, he does. This film is 93 minutes with occasional boobs.

The French scientists, who discovered it say the contagion poses no danger to human or animals, but other viruses Could be unleashed as the ground becomes exposed. I tell you what Andy That sounds like a pretty sweet sequel to ice virus ice virus 2 Jean-Claude Van Dam is back as professor Dublinsky Gerard Depardieu is arrogant French scientist Dr. Camembert Damn it Dr. Camembert how could you let another virus escape? Silence Dublin's key, you know nothing of my work. Do not sing to one of your roundhouse kicks can kill these virus.

Can't jump cold Van Dam defeat the virus with a roundhouse kick? No. Does he do it with a karate chop? Yes he does, this film is 92 minutes with frequent boobs Solid sequel Andy. Well, well, and that coming from you John that means a lot Box office smash artistic cortex artistic cortex. Um, well the interesting thing about this, um, this virus, it's from 30,000 years ago, that is technically from before the world even existed,

if little Billy Bible writer has anything to go by. And this virus is absolutely massive, John. It's the biggest virus ever found. So big that you can see it under a microscope. It's 1.5 micrometers in length. But what's, John, you have to watch. What if, deeper in this permafrost, they find even bigger viruses, maybe the size of a marrow or a cat?

What then, John? I do not want to spend the rest of my life batting off killer viruses like irritating tennis balls at a badly positioned picnic. Baddest... Just not how I see the future. And it raises a number of very important questions, this thought out virus.

For example, could dinosaurs come back to life? Why are viruses all such dicks? Would you trust Vladimir Putin with a test tube and a big chunk of Siberia? The answer to that is the Pope of Go-Go answer. And from a British perspective, could Captain Oats be found on Antarctica, thawed out and brought back to life?

He could really spice up some celebrity chat shows. I would love to see that happen, John. Would you have him on your show, Captain Oats, if he was... Yeah, definitely. I found him. Definitely, but he'd have to be plugging something, Andy. Right, you've got to have a natural conversation to talk around.

Right. Not just where have you been. Any funny stories from your death. That's just, that's not going to fly, Andy. He can do that on network TV. Or he can play ping pong with Jimmy Fallon. Now, these got options. I'm saying just come, come with an agenda. Another Armageddon-related news. there's a couple of other stories that maybe are thinking with this. There's one from Lancashire in Northern Britain, Northern England. A teenage boy has built a nuclear reactor at school. Again, what could possibly go wrong

with that? Ice virus, three. That's right. You just know when you read, yeah, let's just get it over with a hot guy and a fit chick running around in overtight t-shirts whilst his onbees conquer the earth. And also this week, a chunky little asteroid, zip between earth and the moon at 30,000 miles an hour, missing smashing into the planet and destroying everything by just a few thousands and thousands of miles.

Ice of fire is for that. So what is, I don't know what you think the most likely on my getting a scenario is bugles. I guess the options are a deadly mega virus, the size of a dog, B, teenage boy, explodes homemade nuke in bedroom. Three asteroid misjudges fly past and splatts into earth again. D, Ukraine gets funky and sparks a worldwide nuclear flip out. E. Roth of God, basic Roth of God, or even F.

Fracking causing the earth to crack like a teenage egg. Basically, John, it's hard to see one of those not happening within the next 18 months. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP Pope news now.

The Pope, Andy, is increasingly beloved by the global media, whether he's expressing his historic and groundbreaking partial tolerance of gay couples, or finding himself as he did this week holding up a baby handed to him in the crowd dressed in a little Pope costume. People can't get enough of Popul Dino the first. So much so that a new magazine has been launched in Italy this week, a glossy 68 page, real-life magazine called Ilamio Baba, my Pope, which he new stands on Wednesday. And this might be his first genuine miracle, Andy. The Pope has brought print journalism back from the dead. Some popes get sainted for making the blind see this Pope instead decided

to go full Lazarus on the magazine industry. It is a true miracle Andy. There was no pulsing magazines, none. They were just corpses littering pavements across the world and now a new one is suddenly getting up and walking around screaming, I can sell! Oh my god, I can actually sell! Sounds like a real page turner though, my poke, my poke, is it weekly or monthly? It is weekly and apparently each weekly issue is going to have pronouncements and photographs in it with peaks into the Pope's personal life. Each issue will also include, and this is true, a pull out centrefold

of the Pope, accompanied by a quote. What a lovely thing to put on your bedroom wall, Andy, perhaps the quote will be, I can see what you're doing and unless you're about to get pregnant, you're both going to hell. The magazine's editor, Aldo Vitale, said, it's sort of a fanzine, but of course, it can't be something that you do for one direction. We aim to be more respectful, more noble. Wow, really? They're aiming incredibly high, they're ready.

More noble and respectful than a one-direction fanzine. To be honest, you could take a dump on a piece of cardboard and be more respectful and more noble and respectful than a one-direction fanzine. To be honest, you could take a dump on a piece of cardboard and be more respectful and more noble than a one-direction magazine. Seriously Andy, which is more noble a piece of reading matter. Liam tells us his five favourite serials and Harry reveals his top 10 eye colours in a girl. Or he can go for something more substantial and read a human shit on an old

cornflakes box. One direction would be quite an appropriate name for a magazine. Put it up by the Catholic Church. True. True. Not the most direction that direction. Towards the past. You'd think the Pope would be flattered by all of this, but in fact he seems a bit uncomfortable with his newfound popularity. In an interview with the Coriola de la Sera, this week he said, he doesn't appreciate the myth-making that a scene he depicted as on our quote, super-pop. So, he doesn't want people to think he's a super-pop, but to be honest Andy, isn't that exactly the kind of thing that super-pop would say?

He's... He wants to conceal his Super Pope identity. Also, the modesty thing is just a little bit hard, aren't we, to swallow, coming from the head of the Vatican. Please, I'm far too humble to want to be called a Super Pope. You can simply refer to me as the infallible church leader appointed directly by God. I'm just a regular guy who people kneel before. He said, I got the interesting thing this week, he's defended the Catholic Church's record on tackling the sexual abuse of children by saying, no one else has done more to root out Peter Filia, which is rather eerily reminiscent of cigarette companies saying, look how many lives we've

saved by making our cigarettes load off. Where are the heroes? Why are you still giving a shit? And the other interesting thing he said this week was f***ing, apparently inadvertently in a speech in Italian last weekend, he used the word, katsu, which is the equivalent of f***ing rather katsu, which means case. And one article I read about it from

British newspaper said, this makes Pope Francis the first pontiff in history ever to let slip and exploitive in public. Now that John... In public, yeah. That job, wow, that simply cannot be true John. When you look at all the naughty popes in history there have been John the 12th, I think we discussed him recently with you. I bet he stood on the balcony in St. Peter's when he was popping up all over the shop in the 10th century and said to the entire congregation, I'm gonna f**k you all

before grabbing his crotch and gobbling off the balcony. And he'd have meant it too. He would have meant it. Bonnie faced the eighth. The old turn of the 14th century pontiff. Squabble with poetry, celebrity Dante, who in his smash hit comedy, the divine comedy, plonks little boniface in the eighth circle of hell,

or Florida, as you call it, John. Boniface the Eighth, he smashed up an entire town near Rome, killing 6,000 people, and destroying us trying to the Virgin Mary. That is not the most poppy of behaviour, and it is hard to believe that at some point in this little rumble of his, he did not turn round to one of his cardinals, flame throw it in hand and shout, yeah this is what I'm talking about. 14th century historian John Goward, John, he very elegant left-handed historian,

claimed that Boniface tricks Pope Celeste into f V into abdicating by having a young cleric pretending to be the voice of God speak to him while he was sleeping and convince him to abdicate. No way! So how is this the first time I'm hearing this story? Is this true? Well, it's true that it was written by a 14th century historian. That's fine, I'm fine, that's credible as far as I'm concerned. This is too good not to be true.

If that is true, could Pope Boniface, Boniface the eighth, possibly have pulled off that stunt without saying afterwards, that was funny. That was funny. That was f***ing... No, it's in Posh. Here's another thing by Gower, who was, you know, not necessarily the most reliable historian, and a lot of flair. He reprieved the rumor that, that's a pretty niche reference for any cricket fans listening, that Boniface died by gnawing off his own hands.

But now he had trippies list a hunger on the deliberate suicide attempt. Well, you know, so. But I challenge any burger out there to eat off their own hands without swearing. That is not possible. Because it's either going to be very painful or surprisingly tasty. Either way, you're going to struggle to keep control of your language. Fair point. That hurts. Holy shit. That's delicious.

Yeah. Pope, I'm just saying, Pope's have sworn. We just tend to exaggerate everything these days. But I gotta say, Andy, it was the first thing you said before the holy fuck incidents that really shocked me. So I gotta say, when this new Pope came into office, I've been expecting, I've been experiencing a little bit of a crisis of faith in the Catholic church,

specifically in its ability to function as almost cartonically reactionary force, permanently stuck in a 13th century sense of morality. It's been a confusing time. My faith in the destructive and self-destructive force of the Vatican had been unshakable. My whole life, Andy, and this Pope seemed to threaten to overturn that with his, you'll see me lead progressive views, which is why I was so relieved in a way to experience my kind of com to Damascus moments when as you mentioned in the same super pope interview with the Corriele de Sera he said and I quote no one has done more to prevent child abuse than the Catholic Church and suddenly Andy Faith restored. I will never doubt the church's ability to disinpoint again.

In the interview, Pope Francis explicitly defended the Catholic Church's record on tackling the sexual abuse of children by priests, saying, no one has done more to root out pedophilia. Well, if that's true, which isn't Andy, but if it is, which it absolutely isn't, but if it is, it might be worth mentioning that no one has done more to provide cases of pedophilia to root out either. In fact, the more I think about it, almost every organisation in the world has done more to root it out. Root out child abuse than the Catholic Church. I think Reebok has done more and Reebok hasn't really done anything. These comments were in response to the United Nations last week denouncing the Catholic

Church for their systematic cover-up of child abuse and accusing the Church of systematically placing the preservation of the reputation of the Church and the alleged offender over the protection of child victims. The Pope strongly rebuffed these claims, saying at a quote, the Catholic Church is perhaps the only public institution to have acted with transparency and responsibility. No one else has done more yet.

The Church is the only one to have been attacked. Well, hold on, Andy. It's easy to mock that, but let's pause for a moment. Because if the Pope honestly feels that the Church has been abused, if he has evidence of that abuse, or even just an inkling, that abuse of the church has taken place, we must address that, because I'm sure every order agree that to not address

an immediately investigate any claims of abuse whatsoever, that would truly be unforgivable. Well, that is all for this week's but I'm afraid no time for him else because John has to go and have his mouth chained sort off by a dentist. That's all right. So good luck with that. I've got to get a root canal root canal. Right what that means but it sounds fun. I've got a far up dark side of the moon. So we'll be back. In fact, we're off next week because I'm going off to India for just a week. So we'll put something out as a bonus sub-bugal next week and then we'll be back in two weeks

time with bugle 263. In the meantime, best of luck to everyone in Ukraine. We hope you're still there. By the time the next bugle is broadcast. Goodbye! Bye!