The Bugle - Bugle 263 – Giant Chicken Coops versus Terror

Episode Date: March 21, 2014

Former British colony opposes Russian incursion into Crimea, Jacob Zuma perfects his security measures and cricketer penis story explained Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. This is a podcast from TheBuglePodcast.com. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world.

Hello, Bugle! And welcome to issue 263 of the Bugle audio newspaper for a visual world with me and his ultimate back from India in London. The city where stuff happens on an almost daily basis and in New York City, New York. It's the human drill bit, drilling holes in the wall of lies and fearlessly erecting on an almost daily basis and in New York City, New York. It's the human drill bit, drilling holes in the wall of lies and fellously erecting these shelving units of truth. It's John Oliver.

Hello, Adi. Hello, I'm Douglas. Well, and welcome back. Thanks, Mike. From India. Welcome back. We're apparently, I believe, you did a gig in front of Sashin Tendulkar.

Now, for those of you who don't know, he's one of the greatest cricketers who's ever swung a bat around at a red round thing. It's like doing jokes In front of Michael Jordan. It's like doing puns in front of Pele. It's a lot of pressure on Now did little Sashin laugh. He did laugh John. Yes. I mean that wasn't necessarily shared by the entire audience But that doesn't matter when you do the gig with Sashin to Dalka, you're listening for one laugh, and it is. It was, as you say, quite an odd gig. I was doing a couple of stand-up routines in the ESPN Crackinfo annual awards ceremony, and I had to do a routine about Sachin Tendulka,

while standing about five yards away from Sachin Tendulkar and Mrs Tendulkar. Which is quite odd doing comedy about someone who's actually there and that's of course you're a very amusing lawyer in court. Yeah, but and also he was picking up an award basically for being Sachin Tendulkar. So he was kind of the guest of Honour and also mean, you have to be a bit careful what you say about, such in India, he is sort of rightly revered there and saying anything even mildly critical. It's basically like standing up in America and shouting, George Washington, what a c*****!

And seeing what comes away, so it was odd, yes, but he laughed, I would say sufficiently. Yes. And that is all you're looking for in any gig, sufficient laughter. Yeah. You know, you basically got people walking away from your kings going, did you enjoy that? It was sufficient. An elegant sufficient, sufficient, you know, people to over laugh, least feeling bloated. That's the worst thing that could happen. So this is Bugle 263.

For the week beginning Monday, the 24th of March, 2014, which is to the day, the 20,000th anniversary of a caveman called Uthig getting drunk on fermented berries and killing himself on a high-speed mammoth crash. As always, a section, some sections of the people going straight in the bin. This week, a free splatter of mud, a teach yourself to shout supplements and also an appeal

for sport relief day today here in Britain. John and it's very important, a charity close to our hearts, raising money to help those whose lives are ruined by an excessive interest in sports. It's going to affect their relationships, their jobs, their career prospects, leaving many sufferers almost unable and certainly unwilling to interact with any form of reality. This really is, of course, at both John and I really need a cure to be found for it, too late for us, but there's still some hope for my children and John's dog, so please give generously. Are they Ukrainian? Are they Russian? Are they independently Crimean? Are they somehow Belgian? I mean, holy shit Andy, have they gone through this and through some clumsily

misfiled paperwork they're inexplicably ending up Belgian? I guess anything's possible at that point but that would be terrible. When we last bugled tensions between the US and Russia were like a fiery six-layer burrito. They were uncomfortably spicy. But thankfully, what seemed to be heading towards Cold War II has instead ended up being limited to passive-aggressive petiness. And as for Ukraine, things are still unresolved. Now, the people of Crimea went to the polls this week to take part in a referendum, which the entire international community

refused to recognize, and which Russia regarded as completely legitimate. It became clear that the only function of the referendum was really going to be purely symbolic and that symbol was likely to be a giant middle finger in the colours of the Russian flag pointed firmly in the direction of Kiev. In the end, the results of the referendum were a massive 97% of people voted for independence. And number, you can only really describe as suspiciously. Yeah, I tend to research into this, John. That is a higher percentage than the percentage of Dutch men who enjoy sex, according to an official Dutch government investigation.

Nothing can be that popular. Surely. No single thing can be that popular. Yeah, that's the problem. Putin has really overstepped with this because if you're going to stage a sham referendum, you still have to obey the basic rules of cheating. There is still honor among thieves. You can't have anything now.

No one's going to believe 97%. It's undeniably true. The Crimea is largely ethnically Russian. And the majority of the population would like to be part of Russia. But not 97% Andy. That's a higher approval rate than ice cream. And everyone f**king loves ice cream.

That's a higher approval rate than ice cream, and everyone f**king loves ice cream. That's a higher approval rate than Dutch men having sex whilst eating an ice cream. And that is over 100%. And you might think that's not mathematically possible. Go to Holland. Step off a train. The first thing you'll see is a Dutch man having sex with a bowl of ice cream,

with a look on his face of pure happiness, the level of which you don't recognize. The point is, numbers don't apply in that particular situation. There is a genuine sense of turbulence in the around Crimea. Literally, in fact, my flight back from India went over the Black Sea on Tuesday, And there was literal turbulence. It was like being inside the stomach of a 1980s trade unionist with a fetish of boof on-head, powerful blonde women, catching a glimpse of Margaret Athercic coming out of the shower, naked as an egg, singing, I'm going to close that mind to the tune of Blue Moon. Proper churn, John. It was a proper churn. Specific reference, Andy. Very specific.

The vote itself was rigged before a single ballot was cast, simply by what was on the ballot itself, because there was no real no option for this vote. There were two choices, and they were one, do you want to be part of Russia, or two, do you want to be independent with links to Ukraine and the problem with that last option is that the Crimean parliament had already said that its first act of independence should it become independent was to immediately

declare Crimea as part of Russia. So the choice essentially was do you want to join Russia now or would you like to join Russia later with a potential follow-up option, or would you really prefer to go f**k yourself? And pick any one of those three, you are free to, is a democracy fun. Russia was also quick to point out that there were international observers of the referendum there, international election observers, although it's worth pointing out that while yes, technically, that is true, all of those international observers were in fact Russian, and much of the observation

they were observing was done through the scope of a Kalashnikov rifle. It was basically a lot of very Russian dress soldiers saying, oh, please, please, do not panic, I'm not pointing gun at you, It's just better to watch the majesty of the democratic process through the sight of this rifle. Also, please, do not be alarmed if I celebrate you exercising your majestic right to vote by firing a celebratory round just over your head, just over. At the end of all, this democracy has been left standing in the middle looking rather confused and a little distraught. And it's been a tough time for democracy in this whole dispute because you can all start with the Ukrainian president's victor Yanukovych being overthrown. He was the democratically elected...

...who was formally in charge of Ukraine. ...but a democratically elected... ...or be it that he was democratically elected. And not exactly the most taint-free, a- ...jump, albeit that he was democratic elected, and not exactly the most taint-free bit of f-tissed democracy that we've ever seen. And he was ousted by a mixture of different groups, some pro-western, hooray, and strum, some strongly nationalistic boo. Bo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o- cocktail of booze and arrays, foreign policy gets complicated and often ends up with a

ooh, hope I've explained that in accessible terms. It's a tricky situation that the non-Russian members of the international community are reacting by largely not recognizing the referendum, which is another way of saying they're desperately ignoring it and pretending that it didn't happen. And also arguing over what kind of sanctions to inflict on Russia. Now, in the US, there was much talk of strong sanctions, Andy, strong, strong sanctions. And when they came down, they seemed

to have all the strength of an enemy kitten with low muscle mass. Because it turned out that the first batch of sanctions were targeted at a list of seven Russian officials and four Crimean officials. So 11 people in total, Andy. That's not a powerful demonstration of international consensus towards punishment. That's a football team. To make the list even worse, of those seven Russian officials Vladimir Putin's name was not among them. So I can only assume that this entire annexation of the Crimea is

happening without his knowledge, Andy. Maybe it's going to be a surprise 60 second birthday present for the man. Vladimir, surprise that we know that you've had your eye on a largely pointless peninsula for a while now. This is perfect for you. I hope you enjoy it and if you don't, it doesn't matter. It's largely symbolic. France have been equally strong. They have said they may possibly cancel a contract for building two warships for Russia. May. Wow. Well, that's... Wow. John Kerry, of course, had... I mean, he's been as good as this word. John, he said, there will be a response of some kind. Okay.

And, you know, but these sanctions on 11 people, that's some kind. There have been travel bans, John, on various prominent Russians. And no doubt, it's very disappointing if you're a multi-billion-rubal Russian oligarch. If you no longer have the option of taking your annual caravanning holiday in Bogna, Regis on the South Coast of Brinass, to sting like a sunburned girkin, John. These are strong sanctions, John. Well, also, the Russians on the American sanctions list seem strangely completely unconcerned with the crippling measures that they're under.

A number of them appointed out that having US assets frozen was not likely to affect them due to the fact that they didn't have any US assets. One man, in particular, that is Lav Cirque Off, a top Putin supporter. Actually, he sounded thrilled about being on the list saying, it's a big honor for me. I don't have accounts abroad. The only things that interest me in the US are,

and this is an exact quote, two packs of Khrusha, Alan Ginsberg, and Jackson Pollock. I don't need a visa to access their work. I lose nothing. No, I will say that's a pretty broad range of cultural references right there. The poetry of Ginsburg, the painting of Pollock and the rapacular rhymes of two back. If you like all three of those, you essentially like the entire spectrum of American culture. But Russia announced that they would retaliate in kind with the foreign ministry denouncing American sanctions

as a tool from the arsenal of the past, saying that they would backfire, and the statement continuing saying, there should be no doubt for every hostile attack we will respond appropriately. And fire back they did, Andy, by, yes, you've guessed it, putting sanctions on 11 American figures, including John McCain and Majority Whip Dick Durbin, who presumably is about to release a statement saying,

it's a bit of an honor for me. I don't have accounts abroad. The only things that interest me in Russia are Stravinsky, Maria Sharapova and Yakov Smurnov. I don't need a visa to access their work. I lose nothing, dirtin' out. This is good and we've come a long way from the Cuban Missile Crisis and mutually assured destruction has been replaced with mutually assured bitchiness. It's crotch seat old men sniping at each other. The international community have clubbed together to help Ukraine, the EU has signed the association deal with the Ukraine, which was why this whole kind of domino topple began a few months ago. And also, very international nations have said that they will compensate Ukraine for the

loss of its Crimean territory by donating slivers of land from their own countries to the Ukraine, the UK is offering the North coast of Norfolk, including the holiday resort of Kroma, whilst Spain has offered Portugal, and the USA is rumoured to be considering offering Miami, so there you go, so win-win situation for everyone. Putin's argument for the annexation is that the Crimea is historically Russian, but that argument is, it's always, historically, a slippery slope. Because it also leaves him wide open to the ancient Greeks coming back to life, like the skeletons in Jason and the Argonauts, and reclaiming the Crimea as Tureka, the land that Heracles once zoomed around on doing doughnuts on his mighty ox. And also, even more importantly,

it leaves the door wide open to the Queen coming back here to the US and claiming it as historically British, which it is Andy. Well, I mean, we talk about dodgy declarations of independence, such as the Crimean one. America was founded on that, John. How can it possibly lecture Russia without, first, withdrawing the Declaration of Independence and becoming part of the United Kingdom again? I think that was the very least that Barack Obama should be doing. This is an illegitimate nation, Andy. I think. And Bob, he's seen you moving back home in a couple of weeks, John. No, please no. Please no.

It's clear I'm not wanted there. But whatever you say, look, Putin wanted the Crimea, it looks like he's going to get it. I guess, wanted there. But whatever you say, look, Putin wanted the Crimea, it looks like he's going to get it. I guess, technically, he wins. But what exactly is his prize? Because he's given up a lot. And he's internationally isolated now. He's spent a huge amount of political capital on this.

What exactly has he won? Because Crimea produces a tenth of the energy it consumes. Russia will reportedly have to spend five to six billion dollars on Crimea, a five billion just to run the budget there, with an extra billion for Crimean pensions. And that will be an expense that only gets bigger. Because Crimean people do not die, Andy. Historically, they can take a huge punch.

No Crimean has ever died. They just become human raisins. That's a fact. I think what this whole Farragho shows, John, is the veracity of the words of the great Roman philosopher and circus entertainer, Maxima Stesima St Meridius, who so memorably said, what we do in this life echoes in eternity. And there are some pretty loud echoes bouncing around the Ukraine and Crimea, John echoes from the empires, the wars, the political shittery, the catastrophic failures, and above all the territorial, dick swinging and horse trading of the past, particularly in many parts of Eastern Europe, like Ukraine, where sovereignty and control has often been passed around like a 1970s Dutch football and one of the loudest echoes

Is of communist Russia vomiting all over its own trousers belching at incredible volume and saying to itself. Oh still feel like shit Presidential home improvements news now and South African President Jacob Zuma has been officially slammed for using state money to improve his own rural residence beyond what you might consider reasonable. He has spent $23 million US dollars improving his private home and amongst the improvements that he has included are a swimming pool, a cattle enclosure, a football pitch and just in case an amphitheater. Now, we all need a few things to pep us up and help us work a little bit more productively and I guess if you're a president you never fully switch off, you do a lot of your work

at home. We all have these things to help us work. I mean, you and I, John, in your new office for your new show have a bouncy castle modeled on Alcatraz prisons and make you feel more American. I need it, Andy. And I, in my office, have a video of you on a loop on a special screen bouncing up and down

on your inflatable Alcatraz, that's saying, come on, Andy, stop checking the cricket scores and write a joke about American foreign policy. You need that. So we both have the things that we need. Some people have stress toys or micro shrines of their favorite pagan deity.

They might have pictures of their spouse and children to remind them of why they plow into work every day to do something that they hate and exchange for slightly less money than it's probably worth. Or even to remind them of why carrying on that affair with their hot colleague is on balance, probably worth it. Our own British Prime Minister David Cameron has fitted 10 downing street with a realistic 19th century street scene full of urchin children and benevolent businessmen in wastecoats saying don't worry young lad it's perfectly natural to be an orphan at your age,

come and clean the chimney in one of my houses and you can help build a bit better Britain. He's put it in just to try and help focus everyone minds in cabinet meetings on what they're trying to achieve. And if Jacob Zuma, to get the most from his personal well of talent and inspiration, needs an amphitheater to work to 100% productivity, so be it, John. If he needs a football pitch, a cattle enclosure, helipads, plural, new houses for multiple members of his family, in Beringmond, he has an unfeasible quantity of wives, some spare new houses, just in case he gets more wives, a giant state-of-the-art chicken coop, and I don't know if the coop was giant

and state-of-the-art or the chickens were, but probably both, they're wireless those chickens, I've heard them 3D as well. If you need all that, so be it. Yes, some so-called official public report, my accusumer, of quotes, unconscionable and excessive misappropriation of public funds, but they would say that, wouldn't they?'

And maybe the reason that leaders and politicians around the world throughout history have generally been so unpopular is because they didn't have a fucking amphitheatre at their personal disposal. I don't know how Crackpot pervert Roman Emperor Nero fits into that equation, probably an exception that proves the rule.

But if you're president of South America and I'm not saying you are, I'm just saying if, all right, and you're struggling with a thorny political issue like the massive continuing inequalities of post-apartite South Africa or the HIV epidemic or how to replace Graham Smith and Jack Callis and your national cricket team after the retirement of the two long-standing stewards of the size. Yeah, really big, big national issues and you reach a bit of an ampest and obviously you're going to want to have the option of saying saying shall we lighten the mood a bit by watching some Christians fight some lions yeah yeah last one there's a loser

you have to have that possibility John I couldn't agree more Andy being president of South Africa is not an easy job that is a divided country you need people to respect you and how can you not respect a leader who has a personal amphitheater? It's impossible, even if you do not like him, even if you do not support him, you look at a leader with a personal amphitheater and you say he's got something,

he's clearly got something. Also, all of these upgrades were apparently part of a security upgrade. That is how they signed off on the budget. And again, Andy, I've got no problem with that. First, the football pitch, very important. If insurgents ever storm that compound, no one can cross a football pitch without being tempted to have a quick kick about. Can't be done. That could buy vital time. So straight away, that's not a problem.

Okay, let's move on to the cattle enclosure and the swimming pool. Both again, obviously a huge deal. Very important. Now, what if any of the insurgents want to just pat a cow for a bit? Again, vital time. What if they want to have a dip?

Okay, for also that is a security system Again, vital time. What if they want to have a dip? Okay, for also that is a security system against security system because if the catalystscape and they're very angry with the massive waste of public money they've seen going on, zoom and need somewhere to hide the center of the swimming pool would be the best place. Cattle cannot swim, Andy. Testify. Well also, I mean you've got to think of this again from a military perspective. We know how spy satellites are used these days and anyone wanting to launch an aerial air attack, traditionally aerial historically, on Zuma, it's going to be scouring the satellite photos of South Africa trying to find out where he might live. They're going to look up on this and they're

going to think right, he's a president of South Africa. What we're looking at here has got swimming pool, swimmingly, too many houses for one president. It's got a football pit. I can't see why a president would have a football pit. This is definitely some kind of cultural place. It's got a giant chicken coop. No, no president has time to look after giant chickens.

No, this definitely is not Zoomer's house. They thought through it, John. It's all entirely justified. And also, if you have as many wives as Jacob Zoomer, then probably having an amphitheater is just a convenient way of holding family gatherings. Exactly. I need to speak to the whole family, everyone gather in the amphitheater. Who? And this is a key family note. Who has been f***ing with my giant chicken coop? I know it's somebody.

I know it's somebody. So I need to see some hands go up. Nobody touches Daddy's giant chicken coop. And who sniggered when I said that? Get out of the giant amphitheater. Also, chickens are notoriously social animals. He's probably testing out important political policies on chickens in a controlled environment to see if he can roll the macros. He's just doing his research. Exactly. You need a giant chicken, so you can say, will these chickens let me get away with building a swimming pool and an amphitheater in public money?

Yes, the chickens got a little bit annoyed by that, to be honest, but then I just threw a bit of seed down and they forgot about it. I think I can get away with it. What's a recon news now and Puerto Rico is going through some tough economic times, but they are responding with some bold action, namely by asking their own citizens to send in ideas on how to fix the economy. That must really break confidence amongst the Puerto Rican people. Basically having your government saying, well bottom line, we're f***ing if we know what to do. Anyone else got any ideas? That's not ideal. The chief of staff of the island at Ingrid Via said Puerto Ricans could submit specific and viable proposals on a government website.

He said, you welcomed ideas on how to prevent the exodus of skilled workers from Puerto Rico and also how to tackle the large informal economy. Also, one of the problems is that official figures have their unemployment rate at 15.2% and why I'm sure they're looking forward to their specific and viable proposals. But that must be some suggestions box, Andy. That's all I'm saying. Apparently they're currently claiming that some ideas were submitted immediately after the website was launched

including proposals to build affordable housing and to attract foreign investment. But that was not all of the suggestions. What's it, Andy? Release the files. As long as there was some other suggestions of, let's say, intricate drawings of penises and notes saying, here's a suggestion in fact, I fixed the economy.

Do you fucking jobs better? Here's another intricate drawing of my penis. Well, I'll release the files. For, have for release some of the files, because the official government website we can submit your suggestion does list some of the things that have been sent in and clearly this must have been moderated because as you say, I don't believe any nation, no matter whether or not it's been going through eight years of constant recession, will have people mature enough not to put in

pictures of their penis. That's right, because it does appear that Puerto Rican have been disappointingly quite grown up. They've been proposals for economic incentives for young entrepreneurs, the revitalization of urban centres, agricultural development, one suggestion that simply says, flog everything to the Russians, the Chinese, and anyone else with a bit of spare cash, and that is signed love from Britain, seems to be working for us.

But no one has put that I saw join a space race, put a Puerto Rican on the moon to take everyone's mind off things, personalised nuclear deterrents, still to for all teachers to get in the greater aura of authority in classrooms, and make the elderly wrestle each other and raise money through dodgy online bookmakers. They're this, at all, a compulsory national Puerto Rican

trampolining session once a month to light in the mode. I cannot believe Puerto Ricans were not of suggested at least three of those ideas. Apparently there was an email suggestion from a Jay Zuma in South Africa as well saying, have you tried a giant chicken curry? Also, there have been calls to scrap a particular television channel which either makes that channel very good or very bad. Offer almost impossible to tell the difference between good and bad television. They philosophical, phenomenon known as the 24 paradox.

NASA news now and the Puerto Rican government is not the only one looking for suggestions because NASA is currently opening a contest to see if anyone can come up with a way to spot asteroids. NASA's contest is called the asteroid data hunter and it wants you to create new and improved algorithms to find potentially dangerous asteroids in the space that might be hurtling towards Earth. Well, I for one, I'm in,, and I love competitions, I love asteroids.

That's why every year at Halloween, I enter competitions dressed up like a slutty, massive rock. Um, Now, that's judging from the way that you read that bit out, John. You might love asteroids and competitions, but you're not quite so hot on algorithms. I can't stand algorithms. Luckily, I love asteroids and competitions more than I hate algorithms, just. NASA's even produced a video helping people who want to enter, giving them some direction. And one part of the video says,

Asteroids like to swing by for a visit from time to time. The problem is when they get a little too friendly and crash into us. Wait. That is a slightly patronising toast. This is the people of that fucking man on the moon, John. What has happened to this organisation? It's a little strange that tonanian. They're basically talking to people like they think we're children who've been the victim of an asteroid sexual assault. Show me on the globe where the asteroid slammed into you. Was it near your coastline? Because that's not okay. It's not your fault.

They even try to indicate the importance of this challenge saying the dinosaur would have hit. I've got all the pickup on NASA's use of language. It is how they've always taught. Is this how they sold the moon landing? It's how they alarm strong. So we're going to take you to a special play place, or you can bounce around with your friend.

If maybe it is, it gets even worse, because they try to indicate the scale of the problem, saying the dinosaurs would have cared if they knew about this problem. Let's be smarter than them. Twitch, and... Set your site high, NASA. Smarter than the f***ing dinosaurs. To which, I imagine Barney the dinosaurs

is excitedly sitting in front of his computer at home, trying to enter the contest, hearing that quote and saying, Hey, f*** you! My whole family died. Oh, I'm sorry. We couldn't build an intricate, computerized early warning system because our arms were too small and sometimes our brains are in our tails

You One things for sure and the reward has got to be huge I mean if you win you're basically responsible for saving the entire planet and by extension You're responsible for the survival of our species. So, you know, I check the reward on offer and apparently, and this is true. And that's where putting up $35,000 in prizes. Total. That's a lot of money. Total.

That's... Andy, if you go on who wants to be a millionaire, you can win $32,000 if you can name which one of four plays was not written by Shakespeare. And from the three grand more, you basically have to be a real life Bruce Willis. This is bullshit. And if any of you were struggling with that question, the odd one out was Mickey penis and the magic testicles. He never published anyway. That was a draw. Yeah, that was the, that was the first folio play for what became Macbeth. That's why he's getting the testicles became witches.

Well, they did the truth. 35,000 dollars. That, that just does not stack up for saving the world. Jesus was on at least that per week, John. It's not worth it. He was on silly money, Jesus. He blew most silly money. He blew most of it on Donkeys, but I mean, it was very much the pre-car era, but he always likes to be seen on the very latest Donkey. But, you know, his money, and you could do what he likes with it. His money, you know, you can do what he likes with it. Oh, yes. Gen-Gustetic, the executive of this programme, it's protecting the planet from the threat of asteroid impacts,

means first knowing where those asteroids are. Well, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to work that out, although it probably helps if you live and work with rocket scientists. Competition time now and very exciting usage on there's going to be a new pound coin. Oh, coming out in 2017, billed by the Royal Mint, who make our money, has the most secure coin in the world. It's going to be a two-tone coin, bit of gold, bit of silver. Twelve sides. It's going to be impossible to forgetone coin, bit of gold, bit of silver, 12 sides. It's going to be impossible to forge, apparently,

due to modern technology, which will make the Queen's face wink suggestively when used by a packet of condoms. That is going to be the test for whether or not this coin is genuine. And a competition is being held to design the flip, to the backside of this coin. That is true, very exciting competition.

Obviously, the front side will have the unbelievably majestic Her Majesty, the Queen, very, very majestic for a five-foot, three-inch octogenarian whose best athletic days are arguably behind her. But she still managed to crank out that majesticness like a peaker or a Roger Federer turning late and he went into a kids' pack lunch. But anyway, the Q-tip herself will be on the front. Apparently, she's going to be quite low-cut on this one, but pack lunch. But anyway, the Q-tip herself will be on the front. Apparently she's gonna be quite low cut on this one, but still classy. But in a world exclusive deal with her all-mints, we are delighted to announce that the bugle

has been commissioned to design the reverse side of this. That is so exciting. This new coin, a statement issued by Chief Newmyzmat Newmyzmatagraffist. Newmyzmatagraffist. Newmyismatograffist. New Mismatograffist. New Mismatograffist. I can't even say my own mate. Keep swinging, Andy.

Keep swinging. We are in a tin cup Kevin Cosmer situation here, Andy. Take another swing. The Chief New Mismatograffist. So, L.A.S. He's on the greens. Sorry, how else I know if I pronounced that right or not, given that I've just made that word up.

The chief new Miss Motographer, new Miss Motographer. New Miss Motographer. So, elder worth of minds. In his statement, there's just a lot of effort for a lie. At the only way he can make people believe them, John. He said, At the only way he can make people believe them, John.

He said, the bugle has come to epitomize everything about modern Britain. It is a global production with a global reach. It has proved remarkably resilient over many years, despite many people thinking it would simply wither and fade away. It is based in London and dominated by two white men who were educated in the southeast of England, one of whom fled the country, sorry, left the country in search of greater opportunity overseas. It's steadfastly used as only one language.

It has a deeply unimpressive record for gender equality. It cannot be trusted to tell the truth. It's very immature and it's dealing with foreigners offering rough and resorting to outdated stereotypes and it's been a long time in the pocket of Rupert Murdoch. This show is the most British thing out there today. So we have commissioned it to design our new coin. So this is it, the new Brit coin. Some people think Brit coin is currently based

on fancy economics that will be obsolete in the not too distant future. But still, we're getting a new one-pound coin. Do send in a written description of what you think should be on the back of the new one-pound coin in not more than 100 words. And I will get my children to draw the best submissions in homage to our great national heritage

of exploiting the world's vulnerable. It's not a sweatshop. I'm just saying on it is homage to our national heritage of exploiting vulnerable employment groups to build our national wealth. That's what this country was built on John And what's what is more fitting for the pound? Andy, that's right. So please no penises, no testicles, nothing root, no Romeo, Odson, Vajulietz, please, nothing like that

And we will graffiti the top resulting images directly onto Buckingham Palace for the Queen to Peruse and adjudicate on and the The coin should be in production within four or five minutes You might just want to reiterate no penises and because I've already forgotten. So, two email. What do you think to be on the flip side of the new £1 coin to info at thebugelpodcast.com? Your emails now and well there have been two main stories that have been absolutely bombarding our inbox this week. One will come to an end, you course. And the other is the tragically late death of the Westbrook Baptist Church leader Fred Phelps, the massively anti-Gay,

hate-fueled preacher, I guess, who died at the age of, the undeserved age of 84. And I do hope that he has spent the time since that death meeting his maker and that God's, attended that meeting dressed head to toe in the Spanglish Gold Larmay available to him. But a number of you have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have, have what John, you've, you've, as a founder of the f***ing eulogy, who've rejected this, this application. No, no, he can't have one because he wants one, Andy. He can't have a f***ing eulogy if you want one. He's a sniveling little prick that man and he shouldn't, he shouldn't give him the oxygen, or even mentioning his name. He should die in relevance. He, it would have been so much better if everyone had just completely

ignored his passing, like the complete waste of air that he was. It doesn't matter. He can't have a f***ing energy. He's not right. You don't get to be in those hallowed halls. I think that's a very good technical rejection. Yeah. And the other story that's probably hundreds of thousands of you have alerted us to have various mediums is of the Australian cricketer called Daniel Whirl, who has been suspended for scratching a penis and testicles into the pitch. Now obviously this as many of you have suggested is a story that you know we cannot justify the overlook as a reputable news organisation. As we are, the Cricketer Daniel Whirl

plays for the South Australia Redbacks and has been suspended for breaching Cricketer Australia's code of behaviour. Which, hold on, he was punished. I presume he was suspended so that he could give him an award somewhere. You can't play in this game. We need you to fly you to a massive

award ceremony in stadium. Well, you look at a historically hell-strolling cricketers have been behaved. I mean, it comes as a bit of a surprise, and they do have a code of behavior. And that this behavior is in contravention of that. Jamie Cox, that is the man's genuine name, the South-Earth Australia Cricket Association General Manager. No, no, no. I mean, it's an unfortunate coincidence. Very, very fine Cricketer in his time, played for some of it as well. He doesn't matter.

He doesn't matter, Andy. It will not be remembered. He said, we are extremely disappointed in Daniels actions. It is not in line with the behaviour we expect of a red backs player. Now this, John, is where we get to an explanation of why this happened. Why would a cricketer scratch a penis and testicles into the surface of a cricket pitch? And it comes down to this name to redbacks that this team has named after. The redback is a spider, John.

It is a spider in which the male is tiny and the female is enormous. And generally, after mating, the lady redback eats the male redback in a relaxing post-coital snack. The female can be 50 times the size of the male. So basically, this cricket, a John, is playing for a side that is named after a creature whose male is fatally submissive, often willingly, apparently. It goes into some research, the male deliberately places himself near the mouth of the female facilitating his own demise. And the biological reason for this 2-4-1 company meal deal is A to prolong intercourse, increasing the chance of fertilisation and B to provide a nutritional supplement for the female.

So, psychologically, what must these male survivors think? It's understandable that one of the players for this team felt the need to express his masculinity by stalking a penis and testicles on a piece. The red backspot is not only submissive to the point of death, but it is frankly legally perverted, turned on by the idea of being eaten by a massive woman 50 times his size. Are there not websites that cater for that kind of thing these days? Also, clearly a hopeless shag, the only way his lover can attain satisfaction is by eating him to death to stop him coming too early. And as viewed as such a hopeless long-term parenting prospect, that he's better to eat him now to get some nutritional value out of the bastard. Probably having him around one little spider-kins

pops out to be a hopelessly meek and tiny dad. Which in turn is unsurprising, giving that this free-loading little dweeb hangs around on the edge of the Lady Spider's web and steals her leftovers. Not exactly a prime catch for an ambitious 21st century career spider-ret. This is John, one of the world's most unimpressive males, and all this, despite having two penises. So, of course a player for a team called the Redback's is going to draw a penis and nut clatters on a cricket pitch. While smudging to himself, I'm a man, I'm smuttering to himself, I'm a man. I'm not a Redback, I'm a man. He's been broken John by the marketing men.

He's an Australian John, it's a macho culture and this male Redback's part is one of the most pathetic examples of masculinity known to science. And I say this as someone who is a pathetic example of masculinity known to science. I have a, what's the word mate? Wife? I don't know the technicalities. Who is significantly more impressive than me, intellectually's the word mate? Wife? Wife, I don't know the technicalities.

Who is significantly more impressive than me? Intellectually, emotionally, physically. She's not 50 times as big in me as I hate him to add. But next to the Redback Spider, I come across as like a cross between Warren Beaty and a killer while. They might as well have called them the Adelaide Dorens or the South Australian Tinkerbells. There was nothing more inevitable in the world

than a Redback's Cricketer my old genitals on a cricket pitch. They made it's all marketing, John. 21st century morality type. That's all we have time for. This week, thanks for your emails. Keep them coming into info at thebugelpodcast.com. Don't forget to check out our SoundCloud page, SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen bugle and the merch and voluntary subscriptions links are on thebuglepodcast.com. That is it, no, no, no further questions. you