The Bugle - Bugle 264 – Making nothing out of something

Episode Date: March 28, 2014

Andy and John discuss the global news reaction to some horrific stories Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. This is a podcast from TheBuglePodcast.com. Hello, Buglers and welcome to issue 264 of the Bugle with me and his ultimate in London

the spiritual home of the annoyed shuffle on the crowd of train carriage and joining me from across the Atlantic nominated yet again in the world's largest ocean awards, sure it has to win one of these years, doesn't it? It's the Marilyn Monroe of Murthmaking, John Oliver. Hello Andy, hello viewers, well the countdown begins Andy, it is the first test show from my HBO show this Sunday night, which also marks the beginning of a four week countdown to our first actual show, so it's almost like I should put up an advent calendar of pure panic on my wall from now on.

Open up a new door each morning to reveal a different chocolate animal frozen between a pair of oncoming headlights. The show starts on HBO on April 27th and 11 o'clock and I should have some news on the next couple of weeks as to where else around the world you might be able to see it and i'm hoping that bugles will find a way to watch in fact i'm more than hoping that andy i'm absolutely relying on it because let's be honest if bugles don't want to watch that i'm completely

and spectacularly and specifically specifically So I look I mean on a similar thing I recorded a video for Crickinfo in my shed this week So you know nice. I've got big and you need bugleess to watch you. That's the point They might not fully understand my right Asking them to understand They're just asking for eyeballs. They're not even asking for ears. Yeah, so you can bombard these Zolt Zone videos on Cricking Fire with its, then, you know,

they might, they might. Don't even need to pay attention to them. Yep, that's not, it's not complicated. It's just a vague presence is all that's required. Now this is a vehicle issue 264, of course, famously, the dialogue exchanged when haggling over the number of legs that the hero in the lassy films should have director Fred M. Wilcox wanted lassy to be an ostrich, whereas producer Samuel Marks thought she should be a

stick insect. They finally split the difference and settled on dog with the added bonus of that being true to the original book. Not as true as it might have been. They notably left out the scene in which Lassie crapped on the living room carpet and then left the half-eaten carcass of a rabbit on the sofa. This is the week beginning Monday, the 31st of March,

which means, John, it is 125 years since the official opening of the Eiffel Tower in Paris. Wow. Sadly, yeah. Well, sadly, it was never actually finished. The current tower that we know today was supposed to be just the internal framework for the front of the world's largest Papier-Mache goose. It was going to be a 340 meter high goose, which honked every morning at 8am to wake Paris

up before saying, Bong-Jour, Toulamamond and crapping out some fogra from an industrial size arse. Think how different the world would have been Andy if some of the most romantic movies in history had been set in front of the gigantic Eiffel goose. Just can't help feeling it's an opportunity miss. I'll tribute to the French cruelty to animals industry. But oh god, so now I'm tasting. As's a tribute to the French cruelty to animals industry. But, oh God, so I'm tasty. As always, the section of the bugles going straight

them in this week, pets section, including pet security, is your dog an imposter? We investigate the increasing cases of dogs showing up at people's houses claiming to be their long-lost pet returning home, then moving in and taking over their favorite armchair. Also, we investigate, when is the right time to tell your cat what happened to its testicles

and why it doesn't have the earth to do that Humpey Humpey thing it sees all the other animals doing on the tally. And was JFK's pet gecko Ivan involved in his assassination? He's never been seen since and he had a Russian name and the CIA have been eerily quiet about it. Also we have a quick April Fool's Day section in the bin. It's April Fools down Tuesday, first of April, I just said traditional and we have a special feature section in the bin on when April Fools go wrong. We interview the British undertakers firm

Hols Griggan-Jute, who last year on April the first pretended to one grieving family that Granny had woken up in the night, invited the family in and there she was propped up in an armchair watching Tally with a tray of biscuits and a cup of tea, although obviously still dead. And we also look at look at look at back at how the monkeys almost split up after an April fool in which Mickey shot Peter with a tranquilizer dart on the evening of 31st of March dressed him up in a wilderness outfit and plonked him in a lining closure in Medein, during the monkeys, 132 date tour of Columbia in 1969. Those two sections in the bin. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP Top story this week, incredibly stupid details

and incredibly important stories. The world is a dark place, Andy. It's a complicated place, and unfortunately, neither of those things particularly appeal to a modern news landscape. New once, fitting to modern cable news, Andy, it's a complicated place and unfortunately neither of those things particularly appealed to a modern news landscape New once fits into modern cable news Andy the way that a bicycle pump fits into a burrito It's an increasingly honorable gesture to even attempt it, but there's no way you're going to be successful Here in the United States CNN the new most offensive seaword in the English language, has full gone stories

over the last couple of weeks to require analysis, curiosity, or any semblance of journalistic integrity to focus instead on spending their entire day guessing where a missing plane might be. News increasingly needs a hook, something to make it pop in the ratings and make it appeal to the casual eyeball, and there have been some truly magnificent examples of this week. Yes, we are going to be looking at the light side of some extremely dark news moons, the diamonds

in the Dungheaps, or at least a fresh piece of still damp dung that's glistening in the last rays of sunlight. There's an old saying, the darkest hour is right before the dawn. In fact, the darkest hour, often followed by another pretty fucking dark hour, and then some more darkness, and also modern blackout curtains can really shut out the life pretty much permanently. But often, John, even in the gloomiest of forests, there is a single shrub of laughter growing, a slice of mango, in an otherwise unremitting bowl of low-grade ratatouille, a sudden Jimmy Hendrix riff in a spoken word

album of Donald Rumsfeld's poetry, which isn't great, but was oddly inspired by Wilfredo in, although concentrating on the tragedy of peace rather than the tragedy of war. And I guess this has been true through history, there's always been even the most darkest news stories, something that has a little bit of light in it. When the Almighty Lord set one of his trademark plagues to kill the first born in Egypt, there must have been another news story in the Memphis High Rigliff newspaper a week or so later, about a family whose first born had escaped, because as his mum and dad had gone bowling and left him with an underage babysitter who the plague thought was the first born and hilariously

killed instead. First up, crisis in Crimea continues. Look, the world has a geopolitical crisis on her hands, Andy. Ukraine is stuck in a tug of war between eastern-west. There is nothing simple about this story, and it requires serious analysis. But hold on, has Russia just annexed some Ukrainian combat dolphins? Let's talk about that! Yes, a number of highly trained Ukrainian military dolphins are going to switch nationalities

and become Russian. Lovely combination of words there, Andy. Obviously, the meat of that sentence is the phrase Ukrainian military dolphins, but there is some artists and bread around that too. Essentially, Ukraine has had an attack dolphin program for decades, with dolphins trained to identify underwater military threats, including spy equipment, enemy scuba divers or minds on the ocean floor. It might sound stupid, and that's because it is.

But both Russia and the US actually also have versions of this program. In fact, it was rumored that the Soviets once trained killer dolphins equipped with hypodermic needles loaded with carbon dioxide like sociopathic flippers. In 2012, in fact, it was reported that the Ukrainian Navy plan to resurrect the concept of dolphin assassins by training them to attack enemy combat swimmers using special knives or pistols fixed to their foreheads. And apparently in their research it was very difficult for the enemy combat swimmers to defend

themselves in those situations as they were usually completely incapacitated by hysterical laughter. Oh god, look at that dolphin, it's got a pistol fixed on his head! Oh, this is fantastic! I can't believe this is going to be the last thing that I'm ever going to see! I am so lucky! Well, this is, you know, it's great to hear a story like this and what else otherwise, as you say, been a rather tense news month in Ukraine. Vladimir Putin has claimed that he has no intention of any further opportunistic land grabs in the Ukraine.

To most Westerners, he might as well have said, I've just become the first man to successfully grow oboies on Saturn and I've slept with all 12 of the midfords sisters. We just do not believe a word that he says, but at least John, we have the dolphin story. Yes. And he's adding fish eating insult to territorial injury.

You're crying to lose its squadron of crack, bomb spotting killer dolphins. You have to ask, you have to ask why have they changed? For a start there, their project has had some troubles before in March of last year, reportedly three dolphins deserted the military dolphin program to look for mates, which is, I mean, how often have we seen this story through history, John, people thinking with their balls, not their heads, letting their dolphin dicks get in the way they're career tragic? But now, they're defecting to Russia. I guess you know Russia's got more money for its military probably better opportunities For dolphins also Ukraine pretty much black sea or bust whereas Russia offers a much much greater range of coastlines

If you're gonna be a fighting dolphin John you want to be out of a range of seas to choose from now Not a torsially intelligent creatures dolphins. You see this from the fact that from now. Not a touristy intelligent creature, dolphins. You see this from the fact that rarely amongst animals of their size, they're very seldom eaten by lions, that is a sign of a good snout for safety. They have a very healthy fish-based diet, so as they look after themselves, unlike some species I could mention, such as humans and foxes, too much junk food and blow flies, too much raw meat, much of it past its best before date. But dolphins, though, a lot of sushi, and all that jumping out of the sea, very good exercise, built into their ordinary everyday schedule, that's the way to do it, no point going to the gym when you can do it, just in the ordinary everyday line of work.

So I'll ask you, when did you last meet a bed bound dolphin? But anyway, so they're an intelligent creature, John, and they've seen which way the wind is blowing in this crisis, and Roshka offers superior job prospects for any ambitious young military dolphin but where's the loyalty and that is my problem i can't believe they're gonna defect i cannot believe these f***ing flippers are gonna flip you you'd have thought that they would they would all commit to an on a based mass suicide before defecting to russia maybe each holding a flipper over the other ones blowhole. This is so disappointing, there are truly Andy no attack dolphin heroes anymore.

These dolphins swore an oath, a sacred oath to Ukraine, an oath which presumably sounded like this. Or though, should we really be surprised, Andy, dolphins have no moral backbone. They'll essentially swear allegiance to anyone who'll throw a fucking fish at them. They're mercenaries. You want me to jump through a hoop, balance that ball on my nose or assassinate that frog man? How about you fetch me a fish from one of those buckets over there and we can talk. Well also, we see, you know, the historic issues in this whole crisis that the fighting dolphin programme was started, as you said, under the Soviet Union. So inevitably, the

call of Mother Russia is going to come back at some point. I mean, it's very much dolphins really reflecting human geopolitics. It's tragic to see that we've infected even the aquatic world. Is it possible, Andy, that this stash of attack dolphins are actually the only reason that Putin was interested in the Crimea at all? Because as we talked about last week, it seemed Crimea had very little of any value to it, but that was before it was revealed that they have a secret elite army of trained murder dolphins. And clearly, that's quite a prize. Apparently, there are also a unit of combat sea lions in Sebastian pole, you operate out

of the base there, but it's apparently, and I quote, not yet clear what will happen to them. Exactly Andy, and that's because those sea lions would never work for Putin. That's my point. You have to prize the Eucronean flag from their cold wet flippers, which actually shouldn't be too hard. Their flippers are always cold and wet and sea lions don't have the best gripping motion. But that's not the point.

It's about loyalty. And the more you look into this secret, Sebastian Pola, death dolphin program, the worse it gets. Back in 2000, they actually sold 27 trained attack dolphins, walrus, sea lion seals and even a white beluga whale to Iran. How has this not been an issue in the news? Never mind developing a nuclear weapon, Andy. I'm now much more concerned about Teran developing a nuclear whale. This world will never be the same. If the Iatola has access to a fully functioning atomic free willy, it's put in at this

point, it's getting so close to being a real-life bon villain that he's dangerously close to a copyright infraction from the e-inflaming estate. Well, he say was this really what it's all about, and in fact, in February this year, according to one news report, the Ukrainian Defence Ministry in Kiev announced plans to release these attack dolphins into the wild or re-house them in civilian aquariums in a cost-cutting move. Then all of a sudden about a week later, bang, in goes Russia. It clearly kicked this whole thing off. It's not about reuniting mother Russia

or geopolitical dicks-winging or finding blah, blah, blah, blah, blood boot in a convenient excuse for not having to listen to David Cameron banging on about shit at the next G8 summit It was about keeping this killer dolphin project alive, John So, there you go thus far Still very tense In the region largely non-violent status quo remains very fragile

Sanctions are starting to bite, very much like an earthworm Wulping its way through the Hydervarainosaurus. And the threat of the far-rights looms in Ukraine, the world, very much in a state of fingers crossed semi-deplomacy. But there are now dolphins involved, John, so it just somehow seems a happier story. North Korea news now, and look, North Korea is still one of the worst places on earth to be a human being There's no doubt about that starvation disease, utter isolation as well as sinister prison camps and executions for anyone even suspected of being And any of the state it is a story and he that needs delicate

Insulsive journal hold on everyone in North Korea might have to have the same stupid haircut. Let's talk about that. And reports came out of Radio Free Asia this week that there was a state sanctioned guideline for all North Koreans to adopt Kim Jong-un's particular haircut, which I guess you might describe as business at the front, famine at the back. It's the MailKD-lang look. It's the mylkd langlook.

It's here, come, he's the best expression of life in North Korea. Rigerously controlled around the side with any expression trimmed down to an easily controlled stub with a freedom of hair on the very top that few in North Korea are able to enjoy. I see it more as a Hitler on top, Mussolini underneath.

I don't know, I don't kind of look. Apparently there were some early concerns. One source told Radio Free Asia, our leader's haircut is very particular, if you will, it doesn't always go with everyone since everyone has different face and head shapes. That's a fair criticism. And if someone who has just subjected themselves and the next three generations of their family to a lifetime of hard labor in prison camps with that little comment.

Because the great leader's hair goes with everything, Andy. It can be dressy, it can be casual. It would look good on men, it would look good on women, it would look good on hamsters. The point is, it's the perfect haircut. It was an interesting glimpse into how the news media works, because the story began as Kim Jong Un orders all North Korean men to have exactly the same haircut as him. It then became Kim Jong Un orders all male North Korean students to have the same cut as him, and then

it became, yeah, that might all have been bollocks, but it was still a good story. Still, a nice little piece of news work that helps take our minds off the murderous brutality and medieval repression of one of the world's least sociable dudes. It was amazing. The story was absolutely everywhere, despite the fact that, like you say, a lot of people are calling either complete, total or at least mostly partial bullshit on it, but that didn't stop. Outlets from reporting on it. You can sense them thinking, we don't give a shit. This has to be true, or the very least, it's too great a story for me to really care enough to fact check it.

And the same thing happened in North Korea. The same thing happened with the story about Kim Jong-un feeding his uncle to a pack of ravenous dogs. That story made the rounds not because it was true, but because journalists clearly just wanted it to be true, treating facts like a kind of tinkerbell. This story can be true if you just believe, believe boys and girls. Well, that's what it's the first rule of journalism, John. If something looks like a fact and quacks like a fact, it might be a fact.

Then if you publish it, it becomes a fact until someone hits back with a counterfact. But you've got that precious moment where for a few happy hours the other day, it was a fact that all men in North Korea were going to have Kim Jong-un's hair cut. Those were great days for humanity, John. Apparently the hair cut was relatively unpopular in North Korea before people were quiet to like it upon potential pain of death. Apparently it was called the Chinese smuggler hair cut.

And I can't tell you how many times I've walked into a hairdresser's Andy and said, just give me the Chinese smuggler. It's a perfect fit for my face. And long hair has generally been discouraged in North Korea since 2005, when a government campaign warned men that too much hair could consume vital nutrients, stunting brain development. The campaign recommended the North Korean schedule haircuts every 15 days and wow, you know a piece of propaganda is flimsy if it could be completely dismantled by a single L'Oreal

Shampoo commercial. Because as we all know Andy, as we all know, L'Oreal Shampoo has all the nutrients that your hair needs for glossy, fuller looking hair and excellent brain development. Full disclosure, that joke was brought to you by Laurie Howe. Laurie Howe, because you and the people of North Korea are worth it. I'm John very much not one to tell other people what to do with their hair, so I can't really criticize Kim Jong Un, my combined expenditure on haircuts, this millennium so far, be enough to buy a grand total of zero lows of bread, no boxes of eggs, absolutely no top end bottles of whiskey, and definitely zero luxury sports cars. And I wouldn't want a sports car anyway, John sports cars, very, very disappointing I

find, I had a sports car for a weekend once, and I'd beat it at every single sport I played against it. It was useless. Tedious, 6164, didn didn't even get a serving although some of its returns did bounce back trickle into court and I flagged a bit in the second set. Athletics did the decathlon, sure the sports car thrashed me in the 100 metres, did through the line in just 3.4 seconds. I was lagging behind in a season, spesely 11.3. But it then fouled out with three no-jumps in the long jump and that was it. Boxing, it just went rope with hope. I almost had to pull out on a cup of hand smashing it in the headlights,

but I tucked up for the last couple of rounds and one on points. What was I talking about? Anyway, heck, I haven't paid for a haircut since 1999. So we giving Kim Jong-un grief about his style choices, the nut jobs, nut jobs, if you will, would be very much like a penguin giving you tips on how to cook the perfect tea-bone steak or Madeline Albright ripping you to pieces about your break dancing skills or the Pope lecturing you on contraception, totally and utterly inappropriate, John. But you've got to admire it. It's a kind of cross between the 1980s Bradpac and Henry

V. So, the point is counter-report emerged, claiming that there was in fact not one single state-sanctioned haircut and there was absolutely no evidence of that. There was, however, evidence that North Koreans might have been told to choose between 18 approved hairstyles for women and 10 for men. And that North Korea's state TV station had launched a campaign against long hair called Letters Trimmar Hair in accordance with the socialist lifestyle. First, catchy slogan, Andy.

And if you're not asking for the Chinese smuggler, you're definitely going into a hairdresser saying, just give me something in accordance with the socialist lifestyle, by which I mean distribute my hair evenly over the entirety of my head. But also, having 28 state sanctioned haircuts is not not weird. That is still a very strange situation to be in, even though to be honest, I don't think I can actually name 14 haircuts right now. They're short, long, short with long bits, long with short bits, classic beaver,

modern beaver and the Rachel. That's all I've got, that's all my knowledge is. Most of the official North Korean ladies haircuts do appear to be designed to make them look like the Dowdy girl in the 1980s American teen flick. Before she meets a trendy friend has a makeover and a trim and becomes hot and therefore socially acceptable. You can do that in 18 different ways in North Korea. But I think there's something to be said for patriotic hair cutting, John. I know we at the bugle we've always taken this responsibility to patriotic quaffuring extremely seriously, John.

I know you've always modeled your hair, do, on the lush dark pelts of Chesney, Lord Horatio Nelson's lucky Canadian black squirrel given to him by King George III, which used to keep in his pocket during battles and stroke to keep him calm and who sued the Great Naval Warrior in his dying moments at the Battle of Trafalgar in 1805. In fact, Nelson's final words commonly misreported as Kiss Me Hardy and now thought to be by most reputable historians an instruction by Nelson to fetch high tea for Chesney, his lucky squirrel creature of habit. You've got very cross, if you can get his meals at their regular time. Whereas I have always,

on my head, attempted to replicate the holy royal sproutings from Queen Elizabeth I, St. and Untainted Netherrow Sanctuary. Vatican news now, and look, Andy, the Catholic Church remains a vastly influential powerhouse. The fallout from the institutional cover-up of large-scale child abuse has been significant and though the new pope is shown in inclination towards reform, questions remain about the practicality of restrictive policy on birth control in the light of the eight epidemic in Africa and around the what hold on, hold on Andy, someone sending cocaine to the Vatican, let's talk about that! In an amazing sting, German officials claim that they intercepted a shipment of cocaine

that was destined for the Vatican. Officers at Leipzig Airport found 340 grams of the drug stored inside a shipment of cushions from South America. So what you like about this new Pope Andy, he is shaking shit up over there. For a start, this kind of makes sense. Everything in the Vatican is incredibly expensive. There is gold everywhere and perhaps the only way they could think to make everything even more luxurious is instead of stuffing cushions with feathers, stuffing them with cocaine, like holy sea scar faces.

And the more amazing detail is that according to the German customs report, the cocaine was actually placed into 14 condoms. And look, that is an intense level of irony. And the only way you could increase the degree of Catholic irony there was if the condoms of cocaine were in fact smuggled inside an altar boy. That's the only way. Do we know that? You could make it.

Talk fast, Andy. I guess we're not going to let that joke hang in the air. I guess you've let me on the edge of a mountain cliff Andy. Help me. I guess if you're a German joke, they can't be a long pause after that joke. Any customs officer coming across a shipment of cushions from South America is going to think, well, this could be my lucky day. I mean, there is a possibility that this was just a very delayed order that had been put in by a bugle favourite Pope, John XII, during his 10th century.

Yes, I'm sorry. ...Sentory. ...sentory, his 10th century. A lot of Pope. Rain of debauchery. Twelve answers of cocaine and 14 condoms that have done him for a regular Saturday night in by the sounds of it. It's possibly, I think, for...

This was a Vatican experiment, John, to see if cocaine and condoms, both frowned upon by God, the latter surprisingly seems more than the former, to see if whether when you put them together with condoms full of cocaine, they magically become incredibly holy, maybe even a transubstantiated finger of Jesus. Because let's not forget that Jesus had magic fingers that could make people feel suddenly much better straight away and could probably stop them having babies if they didn't want them. So, a condom foot of Charlie would seem to be the most obvious way for his finger to come amongst us. He loved wine to a fault of the wedding of Cana stories to be believed

and also the parable of the man who changed his buddy to a lamppost on a stagdew as anything to go by. And he also had a bit of a biscuit craving going on to the boy Christ. Hence the wine and the waifas. Cognom, Coke-filled condom fingers seems just as theologically logical. The package was apparently addressed to the Vatican Postal office, meaning that any of the Vatican mini-states, 800 residents could have picked it up. No one claimed a package indicating that he or she, probably he,

was tipped off about the plan. The drugs would have had a street value of several tens of thousands of euros. And the amazing thing is Andy, that when you consider the kind of criminal activity the Catholic church has been taking part in over the last 20 years, international cocaine dealing actually seems

like a moral step forwards. Talk Andy, don't leave me on the edge of a cliff after that. John, John, I think we've made our fragile piece with the catfish over the years. That's true. That's true. We have already got at least four attorneys these in hell to look forward to. There's no point. There's no time to turn a buff at them up now. So there you go, amongst the things that have brought most grief to humanity,

it would have been remiss of us in this special episode, not to tip our hats to the Catholic Church's anti-Deluvian attitude to contraception, and the life-shattering ruthless misanthropy of the international drugs trade. And their job was a story that brought the two together with absolutely hilarious consequences. was a story that brought the two together with absolutely hilarious consequences. Designing the reverse side of the new £1 coin contest update, and thank you for all of those who sent in entries for this. We've narrowed them down to a few potential candidates. This one came in, and you're not the only person to suggest this from John Taylor,

who wrote, uh, surely given that the face of the coin will have the queen's face on it, the only suitable thing for the backside of the coin is the queen's backside. Nothing graphic, the last thing we need is Liz Rex doing goat's seat. What is goat's seat? I've done. I've done now. What do you know what it is Chris? Yeah. what is it? Okay, I'm gonna say so instantly gonna regret it because I think it'll affect your relationship. Okay, Google it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Maybe just a perky back view of the Royal Rump perhaps with the cubone throwing a cock fetish look over one shoulder. Her Majesty's money maker would get the pound out of people's pockets and get Britain spending again, yours patriotically, John Taylor, and you would not believe, actually you would believe, Buglers, how many of you have sent in suggestions featuring the Queen's sweet Royal butt. Now, I don't think that is, I don't think we should allow that to go through. Even Prince Philip is not allowed to look directly at the royal posterials. He has to look at it

through a mirror in case it turns him into solid gold. It's like an inverse magusa. Now, this one came in from Chris Otero. He said, my suggestion for the back of the new coin is Margaret Thacher and a nightgown on all fours looking ice cream cone from John Oliver's Outstretched Sand. Whilst Andy Dresslight? Leonidas from 300, winds up to smack her ample bum with a cricket bat. I apologise, says Chris, Chris O'Dare, for the any psychological trauma I've just caused. That, if that coin existed, Andy, it would take Britain back to a sheep-based bartering system. LAUGHTER

It's a little bit like goat's see that. And Oli Perk sent in a suggestion with some actual diagrams mocked up versions of the pound coin, which replaced the coin on the front with a bugle logo. And had the recipients of the bugle-f***gulagies on the obverse side, which, I mean, that will be a very interesting, numismatic departure for Britain to have a coin commemorating some of its greatest enemies from recent years. And Gordon in California suggested,

Isambard Kingdom Brunel sitting in a chair in a top hat with a musket leaning against the chair as he watches a group of Scottish, Aristan Indians build a bit of railroad while he sips a cup of tea. I hope this is a worthy submission. Good day, I said, good day. That's, I'm gonna get much more, I mean, that is going back to why Britain has so much money to make into coins in the first place.

We have to remember, John, one of the rules for this was that it had to be something that could be drawn by my seven and five-year-old children. I'm not sure we're getting too money that I'm gonna be happy to say, okay okay kids, we're doing some drawing homework now. Can you do Isenbad, Kingdom Brunel with a rifle? And James Alario from Los Angeles suggested three choices. He writes, dear, Andy John and Chris in order of whom is most likely to get kicked out of a football match by dropping his pants, grabbing his Frankenbeams and yelling, hey, ref, I got your yellow card right here.

Here are my three choices. One, Wayne Rooney's bare ass sitting on a chief sandwich. That's pretty brilliant. Two, a very sweaty guy forks giving the middle finger directly at the person holding the coin. Or three, Godzilla Humping Big Ben. That's, well, I guess I'm in that pretty much a metaphor for the progress of the 20th century isn't it? So thanks for your entries. There were a copious amount and we will submit them all to Buckingham Palace

and a white there response with Bated Breath. Do keep your emails coming into info at thebugelpodcast.com. Don't forget to check out our SoundCloud page, Soundcloud.com slash the hyphen bugle and at our website thebugelpodcast.com you can get all your bugle merch including very fetching blue and yellow t-shirt I think that's all we've got time for this week John best of luck with your trial show thank you I hope you're not instantaneously sacked by HBO. Me too, Andy. That is also a thing I hope.

So we'll be back next week. John might be back in London trying to re-peace back together his career over here by then. But hopefully it'll still be in New York. Until then, Bye!