The Bugle - Bugle 265 – Cup ’em and Cough

Episode Date: April 4, 2014

Child presents solution to environmental crisis – cash savings!Plus, an in depth report to the world's most sensational news story. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello Bugleers and welcome to issue 265 of the world's most convoluted set of clues to the location of the Holy Grail. Have any of you got it yet? It's all there, just listen back to it. Anyway, I'm Andy Zoltzman, live. Hang on, let me just check that. Yes, live in London and joining me from the greatest nation in the world on some criteria. It's the proto-seratops of the pertinent, the Apatosaurus of the Aposite, the Iguonodon of the Insight of the Tyranosaurus Rex of the Trinchant Remark, the Velossiraptor of the very relevant, it's the Queen of Comedy, by which I mean, he's right on the money, John Oliver. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha unfortunately going to entail my face being attached to things like billboards, taxis, buses and subway walls

Basically any number of places where my face has no business being now This is clearly going to lead to a number of things one me not wanted to go outside To a lot and I mean a lot of penises are gonna get drawn on my face And which is going to lead to three me wanting to go outside to see them That is the real circle of life that that cartoon manager was singing about at the start of the line king. I had a very strange moment. I was walking home from work at Wednesday night and I was waiting across the road and a bus pulled up right in front of me with my face on the side of it. It stopped and I was literally

looking straight into my own stupid face. It pulled away and I was so disorientated, I stepped into the road and I nearly got hit by another bus which also had my face on it. And I thought I'm not sure there is a more narcissistic way to die than being so distracted by staring at a bus with your face on it that you're killed by another bus also with your face upon it. I think that literally might be an Esop's fable, Andy, probably called the owl that was a dick or something like that. I think they'll generally be coming down in a month,

but until then, it's gonna be a weird four weeks. Well, I can launch my own publicity campaign as well, Buglers, I've got some gigs to tell you about. There you go. The other belly. 17th of April, I'm doing political animal with Mark Steele, Jeremy Hardy and a young comic called Joe Wells. So do find that on the other belly website. And on the 1st of May, I'm doing cricket versus the world at the other belly, which will be a mixture of crickets

and the world as the title suggests. And a couple more political annual dates, 8th of May, and 11th of June, 12 days in Edinburgh in August, a week at Soho, and then a UK tour. Later in the year, more details on that to follow, but do come on April the 17th, it should be unusually good for one of Mike Higgs, given the quality of the other people doing it. Also, Andy, and I know we haven't checked in with this man for a while, but the Iron Sheik's Twitter hit a new height this week. I don't know if you saw me, it turned out he was in New York this week, and I know that

primarily because he announced that fact with a spectacular tweet which read, and I quote, never forget I am most famous human being in the f***ing earth. If you want to do interview with me in the New York, you let me know, fuckface. That is a mic drop of a tweet, Anthony. That's a poem. That's like announcing yourself on a party by walking in, standing in the middle of the room, unziping your trousers, waving your penis around in a circle, pointing, while pointing at it with your other hand, and then saying, somebody get me a drink. It's also basically what Jesus would be saying

had it been around today instead of 2000 years ago and gone old enough to become confused by life. So this is Buegel 265. 265, of course, the International Diling Code for Malawi, which means if you are listening to this episode on your mobile phone, someone in the Malawi and capital of Lelongue will be able to steal all your emails and your high scores on your mobile games such as Angry Birds, Candy Crush Saga, Donkey Death Slam, Billy the

Adventure Turd and the Pointless Descent into Technological Solitude. This fourth of, we're recording on the fourth of April. This is the, for the week beginning Monday the 7th, the fourth of April, John 1818, was the day that America adopted the stars and stripes as its new flag Then 13 stripes and 20 stars beating off competitions from other designs including a silhouette of the then president James Monroe Mooney King George III of England a bison rusting a trash can and an outline of George Washington gunning a can of Budweiser whilst riding a jet ski And do you know what the stars were originally for John? No, well it was also though. Yeah, are you sure? It was to make it look spangly, how do you know?

Well, it wasn't that. It was because they were going to print a load of pretty uncomplimentary words about the British It's a kind of statement of their independence But they were considered a bit too offensive to have on a flag So they were going to be replaced with stars, exclamation marks, question marks, things of that. But the embroiderer dropped the exclamation marks and question marks into a stray bucket of clam chowder just as she was about to serve them on. So they just went with stars instead. No one knows what those words were going to be. But they were pretty fruiting. Also 1954 on this day Dwight Eisenhower gave his

famous domino theory speech in which he explained the falling domino principle of what was assumed to be global politics. He said this, you have a row of domino set up, you knock over the first one and what will happen to the last one is the certainty that it will go over very quickly, so that Eisenhower. So you could have a beginning of a disintegration that would have the most profound influences he continued. This means that you can set up these really cool topples with like thousands of dominoes. They're really f***ing cool. You can make them go up slopes and stuff and make shapes like the statue of liberty or something. And you can make them set off catapults, man, I f***ing love dominoes. Anyway, what are we talking

about? Come, these year they get everywhere. I've peeled everyone. See you next week. And to mark the anniversary of this dominoes pizza has created the limited edition Ikeleik pizza, modeled on Eisenhower's face with flavours from China, Korea, Vietnam, Thailand, Malaysia, India, and various other nations that were feared to be right in the communist toppling line in the uncertain world of post-war Asia. So I'm sorry this week, Dr. Cubs the Earth's balls in his hands and asks it to cough. It's a planetary health update. The UN released a major new climate report this week and spoiler alert, the news isn't

phenomenal. In fact, the news is so bad that the climate scientists really should have asked the entire planet to sit down before they read the news out. And maybe handed out pamphlets to us, entitled, what to do after you've just been told that your planet is completely. LAUGHTER

The report stated that the impacts of global warming are likely to be severe, pervasive, and irreversible, to which somewhere in the Arctic, a polar bear, who was balancing on a tiny piece of ice, was about to say, yeah, no shit! The report was written and edited by 770 scientists. So should have all been given matching baseball uniforms with the bad news bearers written on them.

The report itself argues that world leaders basically have a few years left to reduce carbon emissions enough to avoid catastrophic warming, which would lead to significant sea level rises and temperature shifts so dramatic that it would disrupt human life and natural ecosystems, to which world leaders essentially said, that sounds terrible. Oh that sounds oh boy that sounds just awful. Someone should really do something about that. Well look let me know you've solved the problem and good luck with it. Seriously good luck with it. Let me know if there's anything on do that doesn't involve me changing anything. Fingers crossed for you though seriously. fingers cross for you though seriously oh that sounds just awful oh what bad news oh oh oh well

don't overthink it yes severe pervasive and irreversible coincidentally the adjectives are used in my online dating profile and also but that's fine I'm happily married I don't really want anyone to go for me. I don't even know why I joined it. Actually, I do know it's because Bugle has signed me up for it. Also, coincidentally, a description of the audience reaction. Severe pervasive and irreversible. When I played the Manchester comedy store all those years ago. But I guess, John, you know, I'm on the plus side.

If they're irreversible, then what's the big deal? We can't do anything about it. You cannot teach a dead dog to play the bas side, if they're irreversible, then what's the big deal? We can't do anything about it. You cannot teach a dead dog to play the bassoon, as Aristotle said. But I guess maybe finally after this report, the time has come to wake up. And not just smell the coffee, which smells a bit off, but also to smell that the coffee machine is on fire. And maybe John, maybe we cannot keep pressing that snooze button that we've loved so for so long.

Oh, lovely button. Yeah, got us the best that button. Commentary around the report said that it used much stronger language around the current, in fact, the climate change than in past international climate change releases. And sure, and I mean, that might be true,

but to be honest, I've read some of it in these stronger language than it's using it's still not nearly as strong as you might reasonably expect I don't think anyone could complain if the report began listen you fucking idiots I don't know how many key times we have to say this but this planet is it is completely and utterly f***ed, and you know who f***ed it? You, you f***ing this! One part of you are f***ing up this planet, was it so hard for you to understand over the past 20 f***ing years? Wait, you're not even f***ing listening to me now, are you? What did I just say? Repeat back to me what I just said. You can't, can you? Oh f***!

Look at young complain, that's what I'm saying. That's a reasonable tone. That's like a young deniro, John. Awesome stuff. That's right. Very young man. Not three. There have been concerns raised over the possible implications of the warming of the earth, including mass migration, conflict, and national security issues, diminishing food supplies, problems with job biodiversity, life in the oceans, and on land undergoing massive and irreversible shifts as these become more acidic and temperatures and habitats change. And the reactions have ranged from, oh my God, we're all doomed to, can I still go on cheap holiday to the Mediterranean too? Ooh, stroppy scientists, get them.

Just a kind of standard range of responses. Michel Jaro, the Secretary General of the World of Meteorological Organization, said that previously people could have damaged the Earth's climate out of ignorance, he said. Now, ignorance is no longer a good excuse. He's just saying that in the past, it was a good excuse. And he did not mention the other excuses, such as short term financial expedience,

electoral utility, and naked profiteering. I think they can still be used as good excuse. I do hope so, John, because otherwise we are going to have to bite this unappetizing climate bullet without so much as a squidge of consolation ketchup on it. 772 scientists, John. But how many non-scientists, John, it's always the scientists to get to write these ruffles. How objective... Finally, how objective... ...cannabee, John. It should be written by people with absolutely

no prejudices, preconceptions, knowledge... Yes, Andy. ...or experience of these matters. Yes. That's 12,000 peer-reviewed scientific studies went into this. And I guess the skeptics probably reacted by thinking, wow, this conspiracy goes even deeper than we thought in the first place. That's it, Andy. Make them take a bite of your truth doughnut with your fat jam squirted inside. Lucky say, the reporter came out, this caused a bit of a consternation. Francis Bennecke, the president of the

natural resources defence council, described the report as an SOS to the world. And sure, I guess it's like a warning message in a bottle, Andy, I've washed up by alarming, alarmingly high sea levels. And it's a message that governments are going to read. And then they're going to put that message back into the bottle, then they're going to piss into that bottle, to read and then they're going to put that message back into the bottle Then they're going to piss into that bottle Andy and then they're going to throw that bottle back out to see Which is not to say that there are not some very strong words flying around in fact If we could harness the energy of political bloviating we could have turned this whole global warming thing around just this week

Secretary of State John Kerry said and I quote the cost of inaction on climate change will be catastrophic. And I actually like the honesty of that response Andy, they will be catastrophic. I mean, they wouldn't be if we actually did something substantial about climate change, but we're clearly not going to do that. So the consequences of climate change needn't be catastrophic,

but due to that whole inaction thing, they will. They will be. It's basically more honest that we've come to expect. Did you say bloviating, John? Yes, I did. Is that a word? Bloviating? It sounds like one.

And as far as I'm concerned, Andy, makes it one. OK, good. Good, I'm glad we've cleared that up. The report did suggest that poorer countries are likely to suffer any guesses more or less in the short term than richer countries, any guesses, buglers. When the lights are on its heart,

more, shit, less, shit, oh god, it's somewhat easier when you're at home. Well, it is more, you're first off, you always go with your instincts and these things, John. They're like stuff of more poorly. It's turning into a bad millennium for the poor, John. I know we're only, what, 14 years in, but they've started very, but it's like a Grand Prix. You've got to hit the first corner in front of the way. You've got no chance. But the rich won't escape, said the report, but they will escape for longer

in which time, John? Catast, catastrophes by the bucket load. Yes. And this is the, we have to look for the positives in this. And as we've seen recently, these catastrophes, will crop up, not just playing the markets when disasters are actually happening. Sure, that's fun. But we can also think longer term.

Now, I know many of you listen to the bugle for sound financial advice to secure your long term investment future. And having read this report from cover to cover as I have, I would recommend that you should be buying shares in companies that make flood defenses, inflatable dinghies, camp tents for refugees, aeroplanes that drop emergency food packages and bulletproof tabards for TV journalists and global travel spots, because those are going to be growth industries, John, big time. Well, you're right. I mean, some of the report does talk about these adaptation strategies,

such as increased production of seawalls and levees to protect against flooding, as well as more efficient irrigation for farmers in areas where water becomes scarce. So it seems to them basically painting the picture of a world where your choice will essentially be either to live in an area that is uninhabitably wet or uninhabitably dried the IPCC chairman Rajenda Pachary Told a news conference when announcing the report that nobody on this planet is going to be

Untouched by the impacts of climate change and the problem with, and is it just sounds like a challenge to rich people? That's just going to make the wealthiest people in the world find a way to somehow live in special golden blimps, hovering over weather systems, watching the rest of the world simultaneously catch fire and drown. It's very interesting things in the reports. It's highlighted the increasing incidence of extreme weather, such as storms and flooding.

And whilst most of the reports does suggest that this is due to climate change, there is one as yet unpublished chapter, which claims that it is all due to the legalisation of gay marriage. So just go to science and prove it. Prove it isn't. Prove it isn't. Prove it isn't. And um, it also said this, it suggested that if warming were to go beyond six to seven degrees Fahrenheit, um, as predicted by some climate models, quotes, we would see extensive changes

in agriculture. And when I heard those words, all I could think of was massive mangoes, absolutely massive, the size of dogs, mangoes, the size of dogs. I'm in. I'm in Andy. Massive mangoes, finally, a positive spin on this. Gent's bloviation is a style of empty pompous political speech, particularly with O'Fairo. Oh, back off your f scrabble challenge, Andy. I'll take my quadruple facts for... To be eight. To blow the eight.

To blow the eight. I'll put that in a sentence. Right. Andy Soltzman blow the eight at the latest episode of The Bugle to his regular high standard. Ding. Ding.

Well, so I think you must have come across that because you've had it written into your HBO contract, haven't you? No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. Child solutions to climate change now. And a part of the problem is that no one currently in power is going to be alive to experience any of the more dramatic consequences of their policies of an action on this issue Andy, which means the only people with the incentive to actually do something are much younger people and one of that group Stepped up this week specifically a young 14 year old student here in the United States who claimed that he could save significant resources

And much more importantly money if the government simply changed the font that it used on official documents and he was very wise to have a cash incentive planted in there and because otherwise he would not have been taken seriously. Oh Mr. Congressman, I have an idea to save huge resources. Get out of my office kid! Oh Mr. Congressman, I have an idea to save you $400 million. Shut down, shun! What can I do for you today? Ah, severe merchant, Darnie, was the kid in question. He's a 14-year-old from Pittsburgh,

and he simply suggested that the government use the font garamond, one of the oldest fonts around, rather than Times New Roman, as it is apparently 25% lighter and thinner, which could result in hundreds of millions of dollars of savings on ink costs. And he pointed out in an interview on CNN that ink is actually two times more expensive than French perfume by volume, referring to the fact that Chanel number five costs

38 dollars per ounce, while an ounce of Hula Packard printer ink costs around $75 an ounce and that is why Andy. Before I go out anywhere special, I dab a bit of ink behind each ear, I spray a misdivink into the air and then I walk through it and then if I'm going on a date I'll squirt a couple of blasts of ink down the front of my underpants. Why Andy? Because I'm a classy gentleman and truth. That's why. And when I enter an expensive restaurant,

I want people to turn around and say, holy shit, that guy stinks of ink. LAUGHTER Well, when I first, in, in, in Traptured Mind, now wife, I had done something similar. In fact, I had the, the lyrics to, hey you, the rock study crew printed on my face in Hatten Shwile a font, which is a very bold font,

and really gets the message. I'm actually quite funny. Schooled in University. Schooled in University students out there. This is not an excuse for not having done your homework handing in a heavily centered piece of blank paper saying, yeah, sure, I wrote my 5,000 word, I see on why modern lions never lay eggs.

But I thought I'd save money, so I have written it in Hugo Boss, poor, oh poor, oh Is that Hugo Boss? I don't know, I'm a bit out the at the perfume loop Chris I've got you, but you're not afraid of a bit of Hugo Boss in the morning. I Of course regularly wear a Hugo Boss in my fountain pen. I Love the smell of Hugo Boss in the morning. That was before they deployed to Vietnam. But it's a difficult thing for America, John, to downsize its font, because that looks like it's not

emphasizing things as much, and that's a difficult thing, that's a difficult thing for America. But it's always been called... Well, that was the pushback. You see, that was the pushback. There's been a pushback on these kids' claims from Xbox One. For me, it's a buggy that people would simply make the font bigger, and that's a been hard. Well, that was the pushback. You see, that was the pushback. There's been pushback on these kids' claims.

From experts who argue that people would simply make the font bigger instead and then print it out to which I guess the 14-year-old would reply, well, don't fucking do that. So putting the ball very much back in their court. But it is actually going back through American history. There have been times on there have been more concerned about saving money on things like this.

That's why they went with, in God we trust as the national slogan, rather than fingers crossed, which is two letters longer and basically means exactly the same. And it's also just this ink saving is why we elected to do the bugle as an audio newspaper rather than the printed one. So we're leading the way. There are other

economisations that could be made along similar lines, been suggested by various people on the back of this suggestion by this 14-year-old. All public sector workers are going to be made to wear three-quarter length trousers, which might look silly, but will save a lot of materials. And if that works, we rolled out further to make all public sector workers wear speedos and bikinis, worked in Baywatch when Senator Pamela Anderson was Secretary of State for Coastal Safety. They're also planning to save on the cost of inaugurating a sitting president who's won re-election by allowing him to re-enorgurate himself online like a library book. And they also think of shortening the national anthem to save on banned high-cost instrumentware and the deleterious economic effect of people welling up with pride. By reducing the song to a simple,

oh say can you see, yup, it all looks fine. And the White House is set to be painted black to retain heat better and save on energy costs. Might get too hot in the summer, but it's got a big garden they can all work outside. BELL RINGS BELL RINGS Napoleon Wang News now, and Napoleon Bonaparte has been in the headlines this week.

Well, to be honest, not all of Napoleon, just the part of him that puts the boner in Napoleon Bonaparte. The background to this is a new documentary series in the United Kingdom called Dead Famous as attempted to find the remains of some of the key figures of history such as Hitler's hair and Elvis's DNA and they claim to have found Napoleon's penis in where else New Jersey. Now it's not just the location of the penis which has made headlines and it's also the size of it which has been confirmed apparently as I'm a quote, very small, or to be exact, it's been measured at one and a half inches.

Now, that's a little unfair for a start at it. It's been very cold over here recently, plus again, in his defense Napoleon has been dead for nearly 200 years, and his penis has not been attached to his body for a long time. That will, I don't want to come across like a flow-max commercial, but that will inhibit blood flow. So, that will not give you those crucial extra-fiscible inches. Now, you might well ask,

why isn't Napoleon severed penis in New Jersey? To which, I think I'd say, my your own business, Beagle. LAUGHTER I think I'd say, might your own business, Beagle. I think I'd say fair question, but also, why not? Exactly. Why not? Perhaps that was in Napoleon's will.

Perhaps it read, please give my earthly belongings to my family and please, seven my opinions for my body and send it to New Jersey and keep it there until it can be measured by a documentary crew in a couple of centuries' time and I may be humiliated once more. This is my final will and testament. Hold on, either actually write that penis thing down, did you? Oh shit, I'm dead! We just raised questions as though exactly what happened at the autopsy when this penis

was cut off. Apparently, cause of death, stomach cancer, possibly aggravated by blood poisoning. Right, let's wrap the bastard up in foyergrab and pop him in his baguette-shake casket. Oh hang on, who wants his penis? Anyone want his penis? Want his penis? You know the kind of guy that likes to take a penis away with you as a souvenir for your mum. I'll tell you what, I'll lock it off. You can have Napoleon's penis. Just don't sell it. Do not sell it to a dealer in New Jersey. The current owner of Napoleon's penis, as it is clear by now, is not Napoleon.

And it is, it's instead a man called Evan Latimer, who was given it, given it by his father, a renowned urologist, after he bought it at a Paris auction for $3,000. The relic is apparently known among the Latimer family, as I quote, Napoleon's item. No, that is a hell of an inheritance, Andy. apparently known among the Latuma family as, I quote, Napoleon's item. No. That is a hell of an inheritance, Andy.

To my daughter, I give my house. To my grandchild, I give my car, and what is left of my money. And to my son, Evan, I give Napoleon's penis. Please refer to it in the future as Napoleon's item, my son, as I wanted to sound even funnier. That's him as said of his father. That item is an acronym for incredibly tiny ex-member, I believe.

That's him as said of his father. Dad believes that urology should be proper and decent and not a joke. Well, he's got a f got a funny way of showing that he's he backed that claim up by going and buying the seven penis of French seven penises of French leaders and then giving it to his children did you show the seven penises of French seven seven penises where are the other six Evan where are the other six Evan

well as you say, it's understandable. Release the penis, it's Evan. It is understandable that Napoleon is not especially Boney Part, might not be the most pre-applic of leaders' love lists, because where's Francis Drake's dick? Not only as you suggested that he'd been dead for 200 years, but in 1812, he famously invaded Russia and the French army was beaten back by the savage winter, so it's not surprising that even in life he probably picked up a bit of a shrivel and his wangle really got it shrink on and never fully recovered.

Also he probably lived a very high stress life, John, fighting lots of wars, lots of battles, not being a football manager, but more so, with the added problem of having the death of hundreds of thousands of soldiers on your conscience. So it's not surprising that he maybe didn't nurture his nodule as much as he might have done. Famously... No one can say that Napoleon did not overcompensate

for a small thing, sadly. You can't say that. Back then, that was the equivalent of buying an expensive sports car. It was. Invading anything vaguely near you. Also possibly explains the not-to-night Jo Zafin quotes. Now darling I'm not in the mood and if you could stop referring to it as martial maggots I'd be a little more confident in the bedroom. But as you say what an art, what an artifact to own. You know mean, what else do they have in it? What? In the family.

This is great Uncle Rupert's medal from the Siege of Maffaking. This is a sculpture made in 1932 of a bronze hand slapping a concrete cheek made, especially to commemorate the Duke of Grunkshire's unsuccessful pass at the Maharajina of Noanga, Saram masala. And this is King George IV's knee symbol, someone who used to play in a one-man band and what's this you ask? No no it's not a dried slug from explorer Poston Gerviots journey down the Amazon in 1874. No it's not a fossilized date left over from Cleopatra's Valentine's Day Sweetybox given to her by Mark Anthony. No no no it is Napoleon's penis yes that Napoleon's

No, no, it is Napoleon's penis. Yes, Napoleon's 200-year-old dismembered dead penis. Yeah, we do keep it on the mantelpiece, yes. Evern apparently said of Napoleon's item, yes, it's very small, but it's famous for being small. It's perfect structurally. The university have done x-rays and examinations, and it's obvious what it is. Well, yes, it is obvious what it is, Andy. It's a severed penis. I'm guessing that when they brought that item into the university for examination,

the people at the university said, hold on, why the fuck have you brought a severed penis in here? It's whatever, it's Napoleon's penis. Well, that makes even less sense now. Do you know how they found that? That was definitely Napoleon's. Because the tattoo of the Duke of Wellington on it

with an even smaller penis on him. Napoleon's penis has had quite a journey since it was last balanced on top of Napoleon's balls. Apparently, apparently the penis, and this is true, was cut off during his autopsy by his somewhat cruel doctor, Francesco Otto Marici, in front of 17 witnesses, all of which I hope recommended that that doctor was immediately struck off the medical register. It was then acquired by priest Abe Agniesz Paul Vignali, who gave the leader his last right.

It passed through Vignali's family before it was eventually bought by an American rare bookstiler, ASW Russian back in 1924. And let's stop right there for a moment, because how on earth, Andy, does a rare bookstiler suddenly branch out into the seven, seven penis collectors market. That's a heavy left turn to think some of your interests. I'm mainly in the antique books game to be honest. Any first editions by Austin or Dickens are always of interest to

me. I'm also always in the market for any nice John Dunn volumes. They're always appealing, always a market for those items or indeed the severed penises of European leaders. Do you have any of those on your shelves? I'll route around and see what I can find. Well, of course during the 1920s there was a worldwide bookmark shortage, so I was understanding that people did creative options. The papers was then displayed at the Museum of French Art in New York in 1927. And I am guessing, Andy, and it's just a guess,

but I'm guessing that the Museum of French Art in New York in 1927 had an increase in visitors of about 10,000% that year. What was it called as an artwork? Is it like by Marcel Duchamp? Cool. Eroticism. Where? So anyway, Evan Latimer now owns it and apparently has only allowed 10 people to see it and he's also anxious to stress that it's never been photographed or filmed. Oh good Andy, at least that severed penis has been allowed some dignity, but I will say it is a hell of a date closer for Evan Latimer Andy

Would you like to come in for some coffee? Oh, no, thank you. No, thank you. I think I'd better get home. Okay Um Would you like to come in for coffee and to take a look at Napoleon's seven penis? Yes, Evan Yes, I would. Well, of course, Napoleon was not alone as a leader in suffering similar afflictions. Many great leaders in history have suffered from genotoga, natula, magnitude, or numerical issues.

Not only did Napoleon have a microplonker like a depressed elderly girkin, but Adolf Hitler, tenenton winner of Europe's naughtiest due to war, famously possessed only one testicle from a young age when living in the Austrian town of Lints, when his mother Clara, the dirty bugger. Of course, she played for the ice hockey for the Lints dirty bugs. Cut off, little Adolf's other testicle when he was small, according to the song, not gliven the song, why she removed the boys' tutanic nature, whether it was a

disciplinary measure or an accident or an investment, all we know is that it did end up in the famous London concert venue, the Albert Hall, and new research suggests that she exchanged it with a ticket-tout in exchange for front row seats to see the music-hall singing sensation Minty II II and the Abbotwaw chorus. Well, Russ and S Sare, Peter the Great, very much the opposite end of the Schlong scale, John, he apparently had a kelbush-lop slow-long that rumor has it, he had to tuck it into his boot. Peter was not only Europe's tallest monarch, and one of the 18th century's leading dwarf

owners, but also bought the entire pioneering replica penis collection of the Dutch anatomist Frederick Reich. And I cannot begin to explain what a nice sentence that was to say out loud. I'm so close to Napoleon Sefford penis right now. I didn't know how close I was. New Jersey is just over the river. Could you not get maybe, you know, with your new HBO show, maybe get, see if you could get it on as a guest.

That would be a real cool, wouldn't it? That coming up after Game of Thrones. Amazing booking. After Game of Thrones, John Oliver talks to Napoleon's Seven Penis. I mean, the advertising spade, no one's going to be switching that off to. No one is going to be switching that off to. Welcome to gonna be showing my guests tonight Napoleon Seventh Penis then skip your fucking jokes and bring the guests out. You know what else is in Jersey in the news in January and they revealed that Hitler's

toilet was also there. Really? Hitler's toilet seat just at the road from Napoleon's way. That would have been the most strange item they had there until it turns out that Napoleon Severed Penis has been there the whole time. I'm getting, I'm talking to my guest booker after this, Andy now, and saying, now, this next booking is a high degree of difficulty. But I'm telling you, I am guaranteeing you ratings. It's a very appropriate viewable to be doing this in because this is the 4th of April 2014.

And do you know what happened on the 4th of April, 1814, John? 200 years ago to this day, what? It was when Napoleon abdicated the French throne. There you go, what a coincidence that is. And his senior army leaders confronted him, Marshall Nay in particular and said, look, Napoleon, we really think you need to abdicate an Napoleon repaid. Could you please stop using words with a syllable dick in them? You know, you know that upset me, I'm just a bit sensitive about it. Sorry, Napoleon said Marshall, we just think now is a suitable end for you.

Did you say bellend, Marshall Nay? No, no, no, no, I didn't know. It's just that you've really over said you're welcome now and you've been emperor too long now. Did you say too? You know I'm very, very sensitive about this. Even though I've had much military success, sorry Napoleon, it's just late we've lost this war. Really, when we made that Russian push long before, did you say slong, quit staring at my tiny crotch?

Sorry, sorry Napoleon, it's just that the British are gonna say Napoleon, Bonaparte, he has to go. Look, you just said pole and boner in two words. I'm sorry, I was just saying in name. Remember, you said, remember, sorry, look, if you don't step down, you could be executed, you know, shot or I don't know how to put this, well, hung, stop it. I had to say, well, stop it. Besides, it should be hanged, not hung, a person is hanged, a picture is fucking hung. Not if it's a picture of your, stop it! Besides it should be hanged, not hung a person is hanged, a picture is f***ing hung. Not if it's a picture of your growing it isn't a f*** you, martial name f*** you! Right, I need to calm down, get the court keyboard player to come and tinkle the ivories.

Oh you don't want to do that Napoleon, they'll be on to you straight away. The miniature pianist starts playing. Did you say miniature penis? You are fired! You're all fired! I've managed your penis, you are fired! You're all fired! Oh, I'm nearly 40. Nearly 40. Oh, oh. Oh, I think John, what we've learned from this

is exactly why the world will never fully address the problems outlined in the IPCC report. That is so true! That is why we're f**ked. We are an easily distracted species, John. It's almost like... That's about 20% of joke, that. I don't want to be cynical about this, but it's almost like this story about Napoleon's penis was planted in the press this week.

Just to distract. High end satirical shows like this. The only thing you can remember from this, oh that bugle about, that was the one about Napoleon's severed penis, isn't it? They did the whole thing on that. Sports news now and what is the grand national this weekend? John Gond, the days when some of the fences at the Grand National were very dangerous, like contained hidden spears or when the water jump was filled with hydrochloric acid or of course the famous controversy when the chair was an electric chair.

But horse safety still an air of considerable debate as whenever we get to the Grand National with a number of fatalities at the meeting most years. On the one hand there are those who say that jeopardising the well-being and lives of these magnificent animals just to provide a gambling dependent spectacle is inhumane cruel and intolerable in a supposedly civilised 21st century. Then there are those who say these animals are given a life that other horses cannot even dream of, for a sport rooted in history and community and mankind's interaction with the natural world and that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks, even when those drawbacks

involve a top-all in an abulgan. And there are others still who say, come on number 17, shift it, shift it, you used to slump for a Frenchman's burger filling. Come on, yes, he got, come on, little probably Irish guy, smack him with your go-fast to stick, fucking smack him harder, he's nearly winning. Smacking like a Victorian schoolboy, telling you to naughty horsey. Get in! Yes! Yes! I am 12 pounds richer. Get in! So they're very much three sides to the sandwich. And I guess from the horse's point of view, they must be charging around entry thinking, yes, if I so much just look like I might have

a dodgy leg, I am a dead horse, but if I can win it That is 10 years of jiggy on tap in a start form. Oh, yeah So massive massive gambling gambling weekend and it's been a An interesting time for a bookmakers in this country John in other gambling use the retrospective betting specialist Historic odds had to shut down after making massive losses on its first day of trading. Punters went in big on the result of the 1966 football World Cup final. Historic odds were offering England to West Germany two after 90 minutes at 24 to one, so they got really stung on that one whilst the result, the battle

of Bosworth in 1485, that really hit them hard too, Wars of the Rose's fans all went in big on Lancashire to beat Richard III's Yorkshire team at 5-2. Henry Kissinger winning the Nobel Peace Prize, well, historic odds given of 150-1, now looking very stupid indeed. No time for your emails this week, largely because most of you emailed in about Napoleon's penis so I think you've basically covered it. They've been answered. Emails have been answered.

Do keep them coming into info at thebugelpodcast.com. Don't forget to book your tickets for Political Animal on the 17th of April. I had a couple of queries, John. You've mentioned your forthcoming HBO show. A number of people think you haven't mentioned what it's actually called yet, so they could look out for it. Last week's the night. We've John Oliver. That's what it's called. It's called last week's the night.

So that'll be coming up in, what, two, three weeks? Three, three weeks. That's ages. Yeah, plenty of time in there. Three, three weeks. That's ages. Yeah, by the time of that. So don't forget to check out our SoundCloud page, SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen bugle. You can get your bugle merch and take out your voluntary subscriptions to keep this podcast free and independent at the buglepodcast.com and don't forget if you are in the New Jersey area, if you do see Napoleon's

penis out for a walk, just let it live in peace, you know, don't give it Hasseljohn, don't give it music