The Bugle - Bugle 267 Gaining My Religion

Episode Date: April 18, 2014

Andy and John talk life expectancy and religion. Perfectly normal when approaching a birthday. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world! Hello, Bugleers! And welcome to issue 267 of hang on. Now it's gone. I can remember the sure art for it. I'll just pop the mirror up. Two words. First word.

T-t-t-t-t-fracting on it. The-the-the-yes, the second word. Shoot up with a needle in the- Sorry, no two syllables. First syllable sounds like vomit, chunder, Degurgitate, spew, spew, spew, sounds like, BU! BU! Yes! Second syllable.

Current president of Turkey, Abdullah Gull, is it just the ab- And just the Gull, BU Gull, the BU Gull. That's it, I do it, sir, welcome to the 267th episode of the world's longest running covert one direction audio fan magazine predates the band. We are that real with me and his ultimate live in London this week recording in my shed in the garden. This is where it all happens, Bugle, and joining me from his desk in New York City, which is essentially these days one giant shed for Joe Oliver.

It's the man, water cronkites, always dreamed of being, but more so. It is John Oliver, hello John. Hello Andy, hello view, and first off Andy, happy good Friday. I know this is a tremendously happy talk for you. It's a time to celebrate your successful child on top of using a criminal. Congratulations. Yeah, well, sir. Good day. I've just been, I've just been hammering males into things to celebrate. Seems the most

the most appropriate thing to do. This will, this will suddenly be a shorter vehicle this week, because I am now just one week away from launching my new HBO show, which will be on HBO, I'm supposedly on Sunday, April the 27th and 11pm. And then on various other channels around the world at various other times, I realized that is literally unhelpfully vague. And I promise that I'll try and find out the details of when

and where you can watch it. And I'll even tweak them out. That's a promise. Although I will add that that to be easily breakable promise uh... one more week of relatively heavy promotion so if you're getting sick of the sound of cited my fate and all voice and i'll find you might need to get ready to get a little sicker

all i will say is if you tell you can't elation i am definitely significantly more nauseated by my own presence by now i'm even avoiding reflective surfaces and rooms with any kind of echo in them. I have to go to a party for the launch of an edition of the Hollywood Reporter this week because I'm probably on the cover of it. There was some journalist outside who asked, what does it feel like to be on the cover? And without thinking, I've made the mistake of answering honestly Andy. And I said, it feels awkward and slightly upsetting for reasons that I can't articulate,

and I'd rather not look at it to be honest. And say, look at me, like I was f**king insane. So instead, I said, I mean, it's a huge honour, and that seemed to be the right answer. So this is Bugle 267 that is now the same number of bugles as number of cavemen killed discovering that Tyrannosaurus rex milk, although not in its self poisonous, was probably more hassle than it was worth. Damn tasty though, like a mango lassy with a hint of reptile. Also, the number of plays written by Shakespeare, 37 that we know about, plus 230 unpublished or disputed, including Hamlet, to zombie prince terror, modular in the wobbly Blomong, screw

you, Alan Foo, the Matrix, add Mamma Mia. Shakespeare, 450 years old, this week, Billie Shakespeare's other birthdays this week, as well Monday, 21st of April 2014. Happy birthday to her Majesty. 88 on Monday, Queen Elizabeth II, old Lizzie Windsor, little Betty Bourball, see professional Monarch and 12-time non-committal Smiler of the Year in Offensive Facial Expressions magazine. She was born, John, interestingly, only 12 days after, 1926 her lifelong spiritual confidence and soulmate Hugh Heffner. So it must have been something in the air around the world at that point. He's still asking she still won't do the shoot. And on Wednesday, 37 years old on Wednesday, Her Majesty's earthly representative, the day facto British ambassador to the United

States co-star of the Bugle podcast, it's John Oliver your birth. They were going to stay John so I And actually forgotten That's not great inside into my Point of the moment. Yeah, I had to go Wednesday seems too far away So I know you know you're reaching the top levels and showbiz now John I should say you are officially 31 years old That's right

I can't be a A peer of Brind Diesel and they can't be a working couple on five in 37 that's no good. It's not in the demo Andy. It's not in the demo And as we were accords 18th of, 104 years to the day since Joan of Arc, the literal hot-y from history was beatified and became a Catholic church hall of fame or saint, as they're generally known. An interesting new research, John, has suggested that country to the commonly accepted story and the famous paintings of her death and her nicknames, Connie Conflugration, the barbecue

Barbie and sizzling Suzy sausage. She was not actually burnt at the stake rather in the age of the occult that she lived in, weird experimentation. She was the first recorded victim of homeopathic burning at the stake. They just gave her a smoldering match stick to hold, 10 minutes later dead as a nut. Didn't really catch on though, 15th century crowds just wanted more of a show for their celebrations. As always, section of people going straight in the bin this week with food banks in the news in Britain again this week. We have a food politics session, is bread a fascist, why cucumbers believe in unregulated free market economics, should veal vote and starters, fact or fiction. We investigate whether the popular early in the

meal course actually exists or it's just a fabrication to distract the people's attention away from a highly level government malpractice that section in the bin. and pensions are a big problem and due to the inconvenience fact that people are just refusing to die the most physically convenient time for society and seeing as the government of the UK is hamstrung by not being able to legally order mandatory colourable people older than 75 they're having to come up with some outside of the coffin solutions and it's's going to take a bold plan, but perhaps not this bold, because the UK Pensions Minister Steve Webb has revealed that in the future,

pensioners in Britain will be given estimates of how long they have left to live to help them manage their savings. He argues that most people underestimate how long they'll live, resulting in poor financial projections. So experts will apparently now look at factors such as smoking, eating habits and socio-economic backgrounds when determining a positive and life expectancy.

On presuming, the living thing relatively controversial over there, Andy, because there was an outcry here when it was suggested that a bomb-acare was going to include death panels, even though there was no suggestion of how it started whatsoever. But if you have an actual government suggestion, there's not even death panels, it's death fortune tellers. Well, I mean, we would have been up in arms about it, John, had we not spent every single day of our national life looking at pictures of Kate Middleton looking quite pretty

on the front of newspapers. So it's been slightly buried by this. I mean I think it's I think it's found I'd like the government to go much further and just you know just basically just give us a precise precise death day that we can all plan towards it. It's good to have certainty in death as in life and let's say factors you say smoking, eating habits and socioeconomic background. Those three factors would make a pretty socially revealing Venn diagram. But there must be other factors as well that play into how long you're going to live, such as, you know, are you a total dick that people might want to bump off, or are you easily riled or with an addiction to fast cars? Who knows? It's very encouraging news. The government's recent budget seemed largely aimed at getting

pensioners to blow as much of their economic safety nets as possible on impulse buys. Why fork out hundreds of thousands of pounds to stay for years and years in a nursing home waiting for the merciful rabbit punch of death. When you could drive a Lamborghini around for a few months and then just sleep rough until you freeze to death. So and also given the new Christian slant, this government appears to be taking more of which later, I think it's good that they let people know when they're going to shuffle off the mortal cult and meet their maker, so they can work out for the last few months, you know, just trim down for a couple of months, so they look good at the pearly gates, and I shouldn't

make a difference, John, to whether or not you get into to eternal bliss but we all know it does you know people don't vote for bids and god loves a six pack and look at jesus absolutely ripped to the crumpets he was the lad clearly trying to impress his dad there's no need though and he for this consultation even to be face-to-face with an insurance representative it should be entirely possible just have a government robot come to your house. You input your information on the keypad attached to its stomach and it will shift out a piece of paper with a number on it and that is when you'll probably die. And there is nothing at all chillingly dystopian about any of the family. Either that

will make this a great public spectacle. Announce people's numbers on TV like a lottery upon their retirement. Here are your death dates, Mike Barnaby of Dorset, 72! Congratulations Mike, enjoy the next seven years! Dawn Bluckland of Chester, 93, oh huge number for you Dawn, congratulations and commiserations that feels a little too long. And last name out of the the house in Prince of Lancaster, 66 have a great year and live it like it's your last which statistically it will be. Well I've told you there's still a bit of uncertainty John because I think it needs to be definite. There was a very interesting article on this in publication that's very close to my heart, the Actuarial Post, in which a financial expert talking about life expectancy

or financial planning says it's vital to understand that this is just an average figure. At the end of the day, it's still impossible to say with complete certainty whether an individual will die tomorrow or live to receive a telegram from the Queen. I don't know if he said that in a slightly sinister voice suggesting that he's about to die, but I think just give it time, John. Science, the fearsomely unstoppable,

cunt, and it is, will soon sort this out for us. We'll know exactly when and the government should be doing this. That's just as they judge everything else. They should be judging it by virtue. It shouldn't be down to lifestyle choices. It should be down to financial utility to the British nation. They should be sitting people down saying, well, Mr. Fruggin, you've earned very healthily

in your chosen careers in investment, Nabob, Tick, you've sent your children to private school, Tick, private health care, Tick, congratulations, you've barely cost the state a penny. You can have another 33 years, pop back with a 98 with a chosen method of death, please, preferably not one of the messy ones, do enjoy your retirement.

Now Mrs. Glapp, oh dear, someone's had a tough life, haven't they Mrs. Glapp, five kids, all through the straight sector, lots of stresses and strains judging by the number of times you've been in and out of hospital. It's an awful lot of benefits you've needed to look after your offspring and will you have a drunk or smoked or driven a car, so not even contributing that much to the ex-jekker in taxes, so tot it up, how old are you now? 65, oh dear, that's your lot. Hard luck, Edna, please bring a glass of water and five tablets for Mrs. Glapp, you're allowed one last phone call. I think you should find out when you're going to die, on the day that you die, Andy, from a telegram from the Queen. Basically, you should have

an envelope from Bucking of bullets with a hundred note inside of saying, you die today. That's the best way to have it. So Steve Webb, the government's grim mathematical reaper, has suggested that the insurance companies should use all of these factors right down to hereditary factors and post-goats to pin down a rough day to day. And the concern is that that date may actually be longer than most people think life expectancy is rising steadily in the UK females and our projected to live until 82.7 years on average

males around 78.9 years and why does the government stop there Andy? Why don't we just ask people to sign a death guarantee? I promise to be dead by this time because that seems to be what we're all dancing around. Like you say, we will support you until such times you are not economically viable after which time we fully expect you to trampoline yourself off a cliff. Correlation between economic background

and life expectancy is depressingly clinical and it is absolutely the case here in the US too. There are impoverished parts of this country where the average male life expectancy is 64 years old, which is less than a rat. That is not a great non-warzo number in a fully developed country. In England, estimates suggest that the girl born today in Dorset can expect her lift to

86.6 years on average, 14 years longer than a boy born in inner city Glasgow, because in Glasgow, which has the lowest figure for both male and women, it's 72.6 and 78.5 years respectively. I guess the lesson there is Andy. If you're running out of pension, you're're struggling to get by just move to inner city Glasgow And they will finish you off. It's not you for Asia What I'm saying Andy is living in Glasgow is mathematically 10th amount to a 50th suicide That's not me saying that that's number of Andy numbers. I've had gigs in Glasgow that have certainly felt that way

I've had gigs in Glasgow that have certainly felt that way. Anyway. Ah! Ah! Cameron Christian News now and politics in the US is heavily outwardly religious, even if politicians themselves are not religious here, they have better find a way to f**king pretend to be. The UK, however, is very close to the polar of the which is why was such a surprise when david camera and all of a sudden pushed a god but this week while playing the christian card and simultaneously taking a double

shot of jesus jesus he developed it uh... declared himself and uh... as evangelical about his christian faith and criticize some non-believers for failing to understand the role that religion can have in and I quote helping people to have a moral code and of course that's true and he religion can and does help people to have a moral code although it doesn't necessarily nearly take religion to do that a moral code can also be acquired to a basic desire to not be an arsehole and really not being an asshole in cremation can actually be a simpler and more effective codes than a religious

one. It's basically a six-word Bible. And God said, unto Moses, try not to be an asshole. And Moses said unto him, no problem, and Moses' wife rolls her eyes. And Moses said, what? And who the wife said nothing. Well, it's basically the fundamental teachings of Jesus, mostly boiled down to that. Cameron said, what I think is so good about Jesus' teachings, is there are lots of things that he said that you can still apply very directly to daily life and to bringing up children.

And you know, as a part qualified parent, and a massive, incorrigible Bible reader, I can certainly back that up, certainly the parable of the kid who spent six hours a day using social media, very valuable to today's 21st century parent, the miracle of the broken skateboard and the tantrum, another absolute Jesus classic. And of course, his fame is saying,

it thy greens for he who munches upon my father's vegetables shall virally be as regular as clockwork. Three times this week, David Cameron highlighted his face, basically pulling a reverse doubt in Thomas, saying that he wanted to be a bigger role for religion in Britain as a Christian country, and I was fellow believers to be more confident in spreading their views. I'm not sure what he means by more confident, Andy. Do you mean being more confident than just a fish bumper sticker on a car we need actually behave consistently Christian teachings because I think people really enjoyed

a sheer convenience of just leaving it with fish bumper stickers on cars. It really freed up a lot of human behavior that's very useful on a day-to-day basis. He also claimed about a week ago that talking about his big society project, which was much trumpeting the build up to the last election in 2010, has basically been largely forgotten about apart from occasional mentions in speeches. And he said that Jesus invented the big society and that Cameron is just continuing God's work. So he's gone from someone who three years ago said his belief in God is quote a bit like the reception for Magic FM in the Chilterns. It sort of comes and goes. I mean it suddenly gone from that from his faith being like listening to Magic FM in the Chilterns to being an emissary of the work of God. That is that is a big step up in three years John. That is I mean I don't know

how many I know Cameron is famously from a well-connected family and he sort of probably helped him, helped him get up the God ladder, but that's, that's extraordinary. Big Society, the work of Jesus Christ, the essential doctrine of Big Society seems to be, if you want something done, do it yourself and Jesus, well, as the founder of Big Society turns out, must have been a big DIY enthusiast, making his ultimate means of death being hammered to some large pieces of wood, even more ironic. Cameron has also said in the past that he was starting to test his children on their knowledge of the gospel at breakfast

and told them that Easter, quote, wasn't about chocolate eggs. Well, I give that very much to pens which scriptures you read. There are two sides to every sandwich, John, and some versions of the Bible, according to the Gospel, according to St. Rico, chapter 18, verse 11. Jesus's last recorded miracle was while he was on the cross, desperately attempting to miracle his way out of what had become a very sticky situation, but suffering with a pain, the heat, and no longer in full control of his faculties he tried to miracle his crossing to a space rocket but got it wrong and instead turned his testicles into chocolate

but he's right and he's right he's right he's not just about chocolate eggs it is and i think it's pretty clear about a crucified reindeer hold on that right uh... it's been a while i think he's under the misappreh rehench in and he that's a jesus invented the victor society i'm just continuing god's work i think i'm that under the mishap rehench is that that is a humble thing to say

it even though basically saying i have to say my dear is jesus is a little pocket it's a little confident and at politicians in the u. in the UK are usually genuinely reticent to discuss religion. Tony, both President of the House of the Campbell wants famously said that New Labor did not do God.

And Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg is an atheist. Well, optically, the Ed Miliband is Jewish and mentioned on a recent trip to Jerusalemim russian last week that he would uh... left to become the first ever jim russian prime minister although for that to happen he would have to go back in time and exterminate previous jim russian prime minister benjamin is really which will be a pretty anti-semitic thing for a jim to do

i'm uh... he described his work to the saying i have a particular faith i described myself of a saying, I have a particular faith. I describe myself as a Jewish atheist. I'm Jewish by birth origin and it's part of who I am. I don't believe in God, but I think faith is a really important thing for a lot of people. To describe yourself as a Jewish atheist, Andy, is the language of a heavily-lapsed Jew. He puts your lapsed Jew days into shame, Andy, and you are someone who would happily

live in a bacon igloo if you're good. Well, I think really the only thing, the only remnant of my Jewishness that I still have is, I've really had, ever since I was really, very small, is a lifelong fear of people attacking the end of my penis with a sharpened blade. So I don't know if you're a Gentile. John, do you suffer from similar fears? I don't. I've had a full Gentile, and I'm just live in perpetual fear and guilt of everything,

and nothing at the same time. It's a hell of a sea-tall of spirituality. Jesus, of course, had a lot of nice ideas about stuff, some of which don't seem to entirely chime with the Tory government policies, so we talked before about the pick up your bed and walk, Stick, that Jesus was famous for, and how it comes down really to the tone of voice in which you say it. Many Christian commentators see those words, and signs not only of Jesus' miraculous healing powers, but of his fundamental compassion for the afflicted, but David Cameron as a massive Jesus fan has reinterpreted them, pick

up your bed and walk as basically a desire to set about stripping benefits, facilities and dignity from the disabled, clearly seeing it as a clarion call to force people to stand on their own two feet literally and metaphorically even when that is literally and or metaphorically impossible. Jesus Christ had a lot of lovely ideas about stuff and shit like that. Even, but he didn't really cost them out, John. That's my main beef with Jesus. And he wasn't in a position of executive responsibility.

It was too easy for him to make all these promises and say things like stop being dead, give all your money away, don't be a dick, be nice to each other, reform the banking sector and quit hammering nails into my poor's metalhead. Sure, people liked it in theory, but this is classic opposition politician behaviour, John. Jesus never had to make the tough decisions. Also, a very questionable record with equal opportunities employment. No women in his boardroom, John, 12 white males, according to medieval pictures of the last supper, 12 white males, in fact, thinking about it, that is not that dissimilar to David Cameron's cabinet, so maybe there's

more to this than he's let on. Your emails now this one comes in from Liz in Brooklyn, who writes, John, when you announced that it was just a matter of time before the penis graffiti began on the ad campaign for your show, I had but one thought, how long until somebody at my station in Brooklyn write something on John's face to let him know that he's a racist answer about two weeks. Sorry to say, John, but as of this morning, you have a swastika on your face. And when some, and she says when a friend's got something on their face, it's only right to tell them. It's right John on your face best wishes from Liz in Brooklyn so to the there you go. If someone plays graffiti that graffiti and at least make it a penis with a swastika

tattoo on it because that will be probably less bad. I'll leave him a swastika's not on me. Well just look at it from a diagonal. Actually, no, hang on. No, this is a straight-up. This is a Hindu swastika, John. Because the Nazi one is at an angle, isn't it? And the Hindu one is straight. Right.

So that's a sign of all spaciousness. So in many ways, it's the ultimate complement. These people thinking that your show is going to go well, unless they were leaning over at 45 degrees when they drew it. So we will wrap it up there for this week's abbreviated bugle to John down a phone line. I understand you're actually going to be doing your entire HBO show down a phone line This was really just just just just you're gonna personally call HBO subscribers and And if you're taking it back to the old school

So we're off next week I'm any butlers out there in Luxembourg I'm doing gigs in Luxembourg on Wednesday and Thursday and Paris on Friday. Well, John is launching the future of American television. Well, the future comes in many forms. That's what I'm getting technically technically part of future as well. So well I hope it goes really well, I'm sure it'll go brilliant. I'll go for it in the afternoon. I'll go for it in the afternoon. I will be taking the temperature on the streets of Luxembourg to see how this item is there.

So we'll be back, we'll have a sub-bugal next week do if you're in America with HBO access. Watch John's show Sunday nights at 11 p. Jon show Sunday nights at 11 p.m. Sunday nights at 11 p.m. please watch please and come and see me in Luxembourg if you can't be asked to do that. So that's it until two weeks time we'll be back with bugle 268 until then do check out our soundcloud page soundcloud.com slash the hyphen bugle. Keep your emails coming into info at thebuglepodcast.com and we will speak at you again. Goodbye.