The Bugle - Bugle 269 – Fiddlesticks to Russia

Episode Date: May 15, 2014

Don't tell Vladimir Putin what you think of him, it could be a £40 fine. Plus, why are Brazilian football fans scared? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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And welcome to issue 269 of the official United Nations week by week chronicle of the history of the world, also known colloquially as the Buegl with me and exaltsman likes breathing sport tea and some of those moments between waking up and falling asleep again, dislikes the inevitability of death, being forced to pole vaults and unlicensed space travel and buildances to past the present and future all got good bits, all got bad bits, joining me from New York City and also from the Bribbrical cities of Satire and Scydon looks at the world news, it's John Oliver! Hello Andy, hello Bugglers, so, we've just done our third HBO show, we have it under our belt here, and this one featured full frontal male nudity and a chainsaw

massacre in a coal mine. So I think we're starting to find our rhythm as a show. You find your furrow and your plow at Andy, that's the advice of any farmer worth their salt, and it applies to weekly premium cable comedy shows with liquidity and violence as well. But on Monday this week I have to be part of a benefit kit for the Robin Hood Foundation here in New York. It's an amazing and deep poverty organization which does some fantastic work. The problem is that these kind of fundraisers, the main and indeed only aim is to get the richest people in the city into a room and then squeeze them for donations. All of which leads you to standing on a stage in front

of some of, if not the worst, then certainly among the worst people in the world. To give you a sense of how wealthy that room of around 4,000 people was Andy, I believe they raised $60 million in that night in that room alone. How did they have that extra tax deductible compassion lying around Andy? Do they have anything to do with the fact they've got a little bit left over from paying zero cap gains taxes over the last year? Because judging that room by its expensively suited cover, if there's the solution for poverty, it's because they're basically the f***ing cause of it as well, Andy. And a gigantic restaurant tent is clearly not the ideal room for comedy. To be completely honest, you have to get asked as a comedian,

which do you prefer comedy clubs or theatres? And I always say, neither. I prefer performing to a room full of billionaires while they're eating in a high end pop-up canteen in the middle of a fucking aircraft hangar. Yeah, you pick up the nuance is better in a gig like that. So this is Bugal 269 for the week ending Friday the 15th of May 2014, 50th anniversary, of course, of Jesus' first attempt to the second coming, in which he was promptly run over by bus in Naples and carted straight back up on a stretch of morning. Why did no one tell me about those things? What do you mean why did I run across the road? Well that piece of smell fucking good. If you're listening to

this on August 23rd 2016 please return to 2014 immediately your family is getting increasingly concerned about your well-being. As always a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin this week a sitting down feature section including when Bench is attack. I get jealous when I see someone else on my sofa, how can I trust it? It's still be comfortable. Is my armchair dead or resting? If God hates Kitsyn Chers as the Bible says, will he mind me eating my lunch on the

John? And did Gengress Khan's hatred of bar stalls drive him to invade Europe? All that in the bin this week. BELL RINGS Top story this week. Ukraine update. This was yet another dramatic week for Ukraine. On Sunday, citizens in eastern Ukraine went to the polls to vote in a referendum on whether or not they should move towards becoming a part of Russia. There was just one minor problem with the referendum. And that that before it even took place both Kiev, Russia and even the international

community made it explicitly clear that they would not recognise it. Everyone, it is literally the only thing that the entire international community can agree on at the moment that the Eastern Euclidian referendum was not worth worth the paper it was worthlessly scribbled on. And with so little support, the whole exercise was essentially pointless. It wasn't so much a referendum as an Amazon wish list. Well, I would very much like Eastern Ukraine to join the Russia. I would also like a robust national manufacturing sector, and finally I would also like season 3 of Friday night lights on DVD. If anyone wants to get me any of those, it would be much appreciated. Yeah, so sadly the Ukraine crisis is still bubbling away like a deeply unappetizing rat

casterol and forgetful chef's restaurant. And as you say, this referendum, this sort of almost rogue referendum, 89% in favour of Danisk seceding from Ukraine, they've really have to learn, John, if they're going to hold bullshit of referendums, I know they've scaled it down a bit from the 96% in Crimea, but it still looks obviously bullshit. When are these people going to learn? Just say 64% or something like that. Still a massive majority, but it just doesn't look quite so 1950s. And it was also unclear what people were actually voting for. Was it autonomy within the Ukraine, full independence or voluntary annexation by Russia? I mean, to be fair, that is generally how democracy works. You don't know fully what you're going to get. I've testified by, for example, the career of Tony Blair and the

continued existence of Goan T'Anamo Bay's nonVoluntary Permanent and the Holiday Camp. You vote and then you sit back and see what happens with your election promise bingo guard at the ready. The day facto separatist government in Dinesque, a said, now claim that Ukraine and army is considered as an occupying force. This game very confusing for the neutral dawn, particularly as just two years ago, Ukraine co-hosted the European Football Championships and sure their team was shit, but everyone dressed up in yellow and they all got along. Are you telling me now that was a sham? And let's think back to November, Ukraine played France in a two-game playoff to qualify

for the World Cup. They won 2-0 in the first leg in Kiev and seemed all set to make it to Brazil 2014, but then in Paris they went to pieces like a, well, like a fracturing former Soviet Republic, lost 3-0 and destroyed their nation's dream and just a few months later. Ukraine is splitting up with itself. The government has been overthrown, Russia is helping itself to the scrap, people are dying and the nation as a whole is thinking, oh dear, this is not going very well. And it's amazing to think that if they'd just been able to hold on to that two-go lead. Well, Putin would almost certainly not have annexed Crimea. He would have annexed the French island of Corsica instead. And he wouldn't have been massing his

troops near the Ukrainian border close to the city of Deneck. He'd have had a Russian army hollow-daying in northwest Italy within striking distance of Santa Pai. Upon such slender sea-saws is history-shaped. And just some breaking news coming in now, Yevgeny Bologchenko, a villager from just outside the Nets, has declared himself independent. His wife, a catarina, has refused to acknowledge the result of his one man referendum, which the pro-independence camp led by Yevgeny, one by the suspicious-looking margin of two votes to nil.

More on that, as it unfolds overcoming weeks. But Eastern Ukraine wants to be very careful about what it wishes for Andy. Because last week, their supposed sugar daddy Vladimir Putin had himself quite a legislative seven days, including signing a new law into effect on Monday, which ban swearing on Russian TV in movies and entertainment events around the country. And I know what you're thinking, banning swearing in Russia, f**k that, f**k that, Andy, that is not f**king fair. You cannot ban swearing in Russia. Russia is one of the countries that needs swearing the most.

How else are they supposed to respond when someone puts a bowl of boiled cabbage in front of them and calls it dinner? Are they supposed to say, oh, fiddle sticks. This is a disappointing meal. No, they're gonna need to say, holy f**k, I'm tired of this cabbage-y shit. Last week, there was a video online

that showed a sinkhole opening up in the middle of a Russian motorway. How are the drivers of the vehicles desperately swirving to avoid it, supposed to respond? If they're not allowed to say, what the f***? There is a f***ing sinkhole in the middle of the f***ing road. What the f*** is wrong with this f***ing country? And finally, let's forget, Russia is the country that recently had a near miss from an asteroid with windows getting blown out as a space rock hurtle through the air. It is too much Andy, too much to expect a human being, especially a Russian human being,

to respond to that by saying, oh, heky thump, that flipping meteor almost hit me. No, Andy, that Russian must, must be free to call the meteor a total ****. Well, some people have been expecting time. This is suppression of free speech. It does seem more like just a kind of state sponsored square box. But it was the punishment for an individual flouting this rule, John. It's two and a half thousand rubles. That is just 40 UK pounds or 70 US dollars, which shows that the uncontrollable punishment deflation Russia has suffered with over the decades continues a pace not so long ago. Well I guess quite long ago now this kind of verbal infraction would earn you an oil

you can't eat 30 years stay in a Siberian gulag subject to not starving or freezing to death at some point in those 30 years with a no expenses paid job trying to mine for coal using a plastic golf club and some full-sphinoniles. Now, 40 pounds, it's probably worth calling poaching a **** for that. Yeah. And we should set up a bugle swear phone. We have the media official podcast sponsor

of bail bonds to Swery Russians, where we can be an amnesty international for profanity. Well, it's good to have a goal, enough. Also, a law banning swearing in the media was passed last year as well which I understand is why you signed up with HBO, not Telekine, not Telekinels Vyazdia, the Russian Ministry of Defence's channel I heard offered you more money John and a chance of broadcast from a tank plus Joan Rivers as a sidekick but the no swearing clause saw the deal collapse. The law has gone down in Russia exactly as well as you would expect it to.

In the Moscow Times, they reported that, and I quote, the law has been met with both criticism and shock as swearing has been a vital component of Russian art, with some of the nation's best poets and playwrights using curse words prolifically from classical Alexander Pushkin to contemporary post-modern modernist Vladimir Saurakin. Exactly Andy, let's we forget, chock first. He actually dictated the famous 1812 overture to an assistant using swear words as punctuation. Look, it goes like this. Badabadabadababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababab Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, b wearing, and will that be banned? Just four, that only seems to be the start. These are words for male ganadulas and female, the female squiftly nuke,

the process of coppular plunging. And the last refers to a woman with, say, shall we say, a touch of the Catherine the Great about her carnal operations. The previously announced banned words were flogged and itch in Bapolushka, Mikhail Gorbachev and Glabsnopst, to that list. Now being added to the Gleoblichenko, the Perestroka, Rasputits and Bolshev Ballaballs.

All those now banned in Russia. And you've got to worry about the impact, John, as you say, this has got to completely affect the way Russians go about their day-to-day life. And in particular, it is going to impact on Russian weather forecasting forever, John, because their bulletins will have to go. Tomorrow, there will be a patch of low pressure coming in from the east with Northwesterny winds touching 35 to 40 miles an hour. So all in all, it will be f**king cold.

I cannot afford to do my job anymore. That's the problem. They're throwing away a rich, deep heritage of swearing in literature. One of the greatest rotters of all time and the Tolstoy used to love swearing his literature. One of the greatest writers of all time, Andy Tolstoy, used to love swearing his Russian head off. In a biography of him, I think Ivan Boonin, one of his key biographers wrote, even when, as a very old man, Tolstoy would tell an anecdote to the presence of ladies, he would let loose words that were not normally said aloud. Of course he did Andy, because he was saucy Leo Tolstoy.

I don't get him to use the lady language, and if you tried to rebuke him, you'd have a problem on your hands. He'd say, excuse me, what's that? You're offended by my language. I wrote Anna-B****** Karen and I made. What did you do? I'm a master of the epic, not for mate.

So if you'd excuse me, I'm off to write a 1200 page tone about a character called you going to f*** himself. We have to say where will it end, John? And do we want to see a return to the early 20th century days when Sarn Nicholas II banned swearing and made all Russians carry honkers around with him to pop over any rude words? In fact, this was not at all popular in the last thing the Sarn heard when he was being gunned down in your catering book was, ready, I'm, take this, you privileged. And it's gonna have impact on theatre.

John and independent theatre director from Moscow says they will stick with existing texts with if the swearing is in those texts, but we'll stop their actors from improvising, which I'm not an actor, John, unlike your good self. So that must be very tricky if you're doing Shakespeare, not to just find yourself saying, for fuck's sake, a fellow, the guy's clearly a fucking fucking, or, fucking hell hamlet, make your shit in mind up. Or perhaps in Richard III,

you end up finding yourself saying, where's my fucking horse? What the fuck is my fucking horse? Which, next, my fucking horse? Get right, let's face what, please. Freedom of a two at Bertrands in London for a horse. No, uh, shit. Okay, some in my kingdom for 10 horses. Still no. Half a kingdom for two horses. Half a kingdom for half, scratch that. One kingdom for one horse. Good, a horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse. Deal.

What are you guys doing sticking no fucking swords in me? I've said horse, not horse, ouch, bollocks. When you finish with me, can you drop me back in the car park? I think I left the windows open on the fucking protest. If you're wondering how on earth is Russia going to be able to monitor swearing effectively, this week delivered a chilling answer, the swear bot. And sadly, the swear bot is not what it sounds like, essentially what it should be, which is a sweary robot.

So, bleep blop, I'm a f***ing robot. Bleep blop, go get me a f***ing sandwich, bleep blop. No, it is a swearing detection computer program which will apparently go live before the end of the year and will route out online obscenity. Look, Bob, let me give you a tip. www.bugalpodcast.com. We're going to blow your robot mind. This is why I was particularly intrigued by it. Where dispute arise, apparently a panel of experts will decide exactly what counts as a swear word.

And you have to say, John, that sounds like the greatest job in the world. Since my one year as an employee and the outer reaches of the real world, having what might loosely be described as a proper job in that it compelled me to get up early, go to work on the f the fucking Northern line and sit at a desk wondering what the fuck I was doing with my life. Since then, there haven't been many times when I've hankered over the routine and security

of a solid nine to five other than when on stage of the Manchester comedy store. But working on a panel of experts, deciding on what counts as a swear word, side me up, John, I will work for free in that job. If I can just let you gents know that according to Russian law, you've now sworn £1360 pounds worth.

It was worth it. No regrets. Your emails now and we have a great email here from Stephanie Mundo who says dear Chris John and Andy in order whose voice I find most soothing, congratulations to Chris and commiserations Andy just I guess it greats it just points to that all just letting you all know that I recently had brain surgery to remove a tumor and during my recovery about a month in the hospital I found myself with a lot of time on my hands. To fill the drudgery, I decided to listen to pack episodes

of the bugle. That should be our new slogan handy to fill the drudgery. One night, my nurse rushed in with a panic look on her face, what's wrong? She said, I was certainly alarmed and I removed my headphones. Your heart rate, I thought something was wrong. Admittedly, she kind of annoyed when I explained to her that I was not dying, I was merely laughing so hard I could hardly breathe. Congratulations, that's the closest off-cub to actually dying of laughter. You're welcome Stephanie. You're welcome. She doesn't say what it was Andy, I tell you what it was not, it was a pun run. It was your pun run, people want to unplug themselves from machines. Well, that's a bit of rich from you, John, after your recent deluge of puns on the televised

puns moreover. Another medical procedure was sent into us by Amanda, who writes, dear John Andy and Chris, I thought we'd appreciate you stroked be discussed about the following event which happened in my life recently. I was in a car crash, broke my nose, and the doctor decided to conduct the following procedure to correct the problem. The patient has given a volume at an oxycodone, then placed in a chair and given injections

of local anesthesia, then the doctor takes a rod and gently straightens the nose back out, so it will heal correctly. And here's what actually happened. After being given the volume in the oxycodone, I became violently ill and had to be isolated in the quiet dark room in the doctor's office before the procedure could continue. About £5 of cotton soaked in numbing solution was then stuffed up my nose. I was then given five injections of anesthesia, one between my eyebrows, one on each side of the nose, one up each nostril at which point

in the searing pain the anithesian and the numbing solution were causing, brackets go figure, I began kicking and thrashing like a crazy person, and at least a very loud string of profanity. Do not do that if you're being operated on in Russia. When the doctor told me that I had to calm down before we could finish the procedure, with a one part of my brain that was still functioning correctly, I managed to ask, can I listen to the bugle? That is how you, John and Andy came to talk me through the most medieval medical procedure I've ever experienced, in which the doctor

repeatedly placed one hand on the side of my head and inserted an enormous metal rod pipe up the opposite nostril, and basically applied brute force to straighten my nose. So thank you for that. You make both the doctors and my life easier for the duration of this torture session. There we go. Thanks sir for that. Man, it's good that we're basically, you are comedy functions as an anesthetic. That could be a compliment or a very, very deep insult. And this one came in from Gustavo, who writes, hello, from Honduras. I've just finished listening to Bugle 268 and I listened to Andy Telegio, regarding a

Guatemalan midfielder who will miss the World Cup Jews who are rats related injury. Classic Andy. As an all-probability on the only Bugle in Honduras, or at least the only one with a brass ball to admit it, I felt completely pale to clarify that it's Honduras, not Guatemala, who have qualified for the World Cup. We've also had the most recent coup in the region. We all bugle worthy, so it's beyond me how Andy got his usually well-researched bullshit wrong. Thanks.

On the subject- On the topic of correcting fact and all bullshit, please note that America is a continent, not a country. When I refer to my dear Northern neighbours, I use the endearing term Gringoes, or the more geographically correct Canada's Mexico, best result regards Gustavo in Honduras. So here's a football question John will appeal to a massive Honduran audience. Who or what is Carlo Costley?

Is it A. Romana Bramovic's nickname for the troubled striker Fernando Torres? Is it B, Oliver Cromwell's nickname for Charles I? Is it C, a cartoon character developed by George Osborne to educate children about the financial impractability of the benefit system in an age of austerity and corporate tax version? Is it D, a proven international striker, with a goal right of 100 euros of almost a goal every other game? Or E, a much travelled journeyman footballer who's played out a barely noticed career in eight countries, the highlight of which was netting twice on his debut for Guizhu Ji Cheng in the second tier of the Chinese League.

Any guesses as to the answers to that, John? Oh, the last one. And the last one. Chinese League. Well, in fact, the last two. And possibly the first, possibly the first three as well. So you can look out, look out for Carlo Costley

in the World Cup. So one of the finest names in the tournament and, quote, one man's satirization of the financial excesses of modern football. Do keep your emails coming into info at thebugelpodcast.com. Don't forget our SoundCloud page, SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen bugle. And you can get your bugle merch and voluntary subscriptions at thebuglepodcast.com

If it has not been shut down by the Russian Ministry of Language. World Cup news now and all of the lot of squads have been announced this week and personally I'm absolutely gutted to have been left out of the England squad without so much as a fucking phone call from the FA 39 John I fear my final chance may have gone of course you must qualify in residency for the u.s national team now That's yeah, but they're in the group of death and they're not interested in this tournament. I'll do it in four years right okay Other squad news Argentina I'm not going to the World Cup to lose Andy. I'm going there to win the World Cup New's, Argentina. I'm not going to the World Cup to lose, Andy. I'm going to get to win the World Cup.

Other squad news, Argentina, has selected Pope Francis as a backup to Lionel Messi, who's a terrific Pope, so to manager, excellent squad member, guaranteed to get God on our side. Italy's Jambatista Pizzi Ticcelli is also missing from the tournament due to a, quote, passageological fear of the Southern Hemisphere. He's been terrified of going south of the equator ever since almost choking on a piece of South African built on as a child, aggravated by having seen the episode of Australian soap opera neighbors where Paul Robinson burns down Lassiter's hotel.

And whilst Pitsisselli, her thought his mother was trapped inside. The star midfielder Alan Jagoyev, controversially, omitted by Mexico due to being Russian and in the Russian squad. Well, France's Aurelion Lavosco has been left out of the French squad for being a total asshole. I saw this quote John from Zico, the great Brazilian player of the late 70s and early 80s. He said this, I think Eurogoi could be the only team who could psychologically shake

the Brazilian team. Now why you might think could such a tiny nation as EuroGuy, I would just over 3 million people, they have got a decent team, but why this psychological issue? Well, it goes back to a previous game when EuroGuy beat Brazil 2-1, so you might think, Google, some of the current players may be still not over there failing that game and still regretting a catalog of missed opportunities. No, because this game happened not one year ago, not two years ago, but 64 years ago. This was the final match of the 1950 tournament, the last time Brazil hosted the World Cup, and everyone had expected them to win and they went down to a nation devastating two-wonder feet to their tiny South American neighbours, and it still burns

deep in their footballing consciousness. Ziko and Brazil in general is concerned that a meeting with their vanquishes from 64 years ago would have reawaken an entire mass choir of footballing demons. Now bearing in mind that A, all of the current squad would decade away from being born when that game took place, B, all or almost all of their parents still hadn't been born either, C, only one player from either team in that match is still alive, and Dee, Brazil have since won five World Cups to Uruguay Zero, and they're still worried about it. It is clear that match still stings like a T-Rex bite in a vinegar bath. The one possible problem is that the only player still alive is a man called Alcide's Giggia,

I hope I'll pronounce her right, and sorry to only Brazilian bugles who've just hidden in the nearest cupboard in a burst of terror, suffering inherited flashbacks to that game in 1950. Because Gigi was the scorer of Uregoys winning goal. And there have been rumors circulating on the internet that he is, in fact, on standby for a late call up to the Uregoys squad. So if the two countries meet again, the Uregoys manage, you can just send them out to hobble up and down the touch line as if he's about to come on a substitute

and send the entire Brazilian team, players, government and population into a hyperventilating history aggravated panic. That is a nation, John, that takes its football arguably too seriously. That's it for this week's Bugle. We will be back next week with Bugle 270 with more on our World Cup countdown. Maybe we'll have an audio wall back next week with Bugle 270 with more on our World Cup countdown. Maybe we'll have an audio wall chart next week for you to fill in. Maybe give out the score. I'll give you out some of the scores already. Fue to fill in on your Bugle audio wall chart.

Just going to be coming up over future weeks. Nill, one, two, three, four, five. Actually, realistically, you won't need 5, it's a well cut, everyone just shuts up shop. More of that next week, until then, be a good bye. you