The Bugle - Bugle 271 – Abdicupdate

Episode Date: June 5, 2014

Andy and John discuss the unexpected retirements of a batch of royal monarchs, and why THE QUEEN won't be following Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to a real thing that's going to happen. TheBuglePodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. This is a podcast from TheBuglePodcast.com. Hello, Buglers and welcome to issue 271 of the Bugle with me and his ultimate the British

Institute of Saturist and Lampuners registered comedian in the city of London 2012 and joining me from New York City. It's the novelty exploding bow tie in the overpriced Taylor shop of news, the undercooked duck in the peaking pancake of politics, he urinated into the test tube of car and affairs and tests positive for satire. It's John Oliver. Hello Andy, hello buglers. I hope you all had a truly pleasant week. I've had a slightly weird few days to be honest after finding myself at the centre of a minor technological tornado. We did a piece on Sunday show about neutrality, an issue that is quite simply the single most important

issue that is too boring to give a shit about. We ended the segment reminding everyone the FCC was now accepting comments and pointing out an email address at which those comments would presumably be welcomed. At which point all hell appeared to break loose. The comments page of the FCC soon went down and they sent out a tweet saying, we've been experiencing technical difficulties with our comment system due to heavy traffic. We're working to resolve these issues quickly. And they seem to experience technical troubles for the next couple of days which became a bit of a story in and of itself giving more attention to the issue,

driving more people to the comments pages, making them crash again. Now, my role in this is not entirely clear Andy, but it definitely led to one of the strangest encounters of my life. Yesterday morning, I was walking to the CBS Studios to do an interview on CBS this morning just to generally promote the show. And as I walked up the road, I saw a TMZ reporter with a camera in his hand and I thought, oh, that's exciting. Someone like LL Cool J must be on the show. I wonder if I'll get to meet him. Then the TMZ reporter started walking towards me and I thought, oh, he must want to know what door LL cool J, cool J is likely to come out of. And then he lifted up his camera and pointed at me and I thought, oh shit! I've never been interviewed by TMZ before and the

that was a streak I was very happy with. I should frankly not be pinging anywhere near their radar but I'm afraid that streak has now effectively come to an end. The guy said to me, you crashed the FCC website, can you tell us quickly what hanging anywhere near their radar, but I'm afraid that streak has now effectively come to an end. The guy said to me, you crashed the FCC website, can you tell us quickly what net neutrality is all about? To which I basically said no, I can't tell you that quickly.

It's a lot more complicated than we have time for here at the side of the road. To which he said, well, can you tell me what the biggest problem facing America right now is? To which I replied, to be honest, you're

pretty much embodying it at the moment. Now, I'm not proud of that Andy, he was just doing his job, although lots of people have used that as a defense in the past for doing some pretty appalling things. I'm not sure that's quite excuse enough. And I certainly think that it was an unusable enough answer, that it is unlikely ever to appear on TMZ, meaning that technically my streak continues, Andy. One of the people that broke the news of Michael Jackson dying TMZ. Maybe they break that kind of news. I don't know if they broke that particular one, but yeah, they break lots of news.

Basically people dying, celebrities, nipples appearing. Right. Family, sorry. Did you manage to keep your top on while they were talking to you? Well, no, it's amazing how instinctively you just end up having a nip slip, Andy. Well, Sandy, you've had a very exciting while, so I had a very busy week that the most I was also had a very busy week that most extraordinary thing happened to me, John. I made myself a cup of miso soup in the kitchen. Yeah, just some miso paste and pour some boiling water in it. And I walked across the garden to my shed and this bee flew at me and I just flapped it away with my hand.

And then I walked to the shed, sat down to take a sip of my miso soup. There's a dead fucking bee in it. I'd inadvertently slayed a bee with soup. You missed a meagre yourself a bee soup. It's been a big week. This is a vehicle 271 for the week ending Friday the 6th of June 2014. 70 years since D-Day, one of the most pivotal events in human history a day of planet-shaping heroism, sacrifice and bravery, or as it will always be known in my family, Day 1 of Great Hunger, but extremely badly scheduled school French exchange trip.

No sandcastles boys, no sandcastles. And Buegel 271, because I used to have a friend called 271, who was a Spanish guy, used to go into raptures whenever the former New Zealand cricket or Roger Toos was playing on the tele, so we called him Toos Heaven Juan. Is this still on? As always, a section of the Bugle is going in the bin. This week, a driverless car section, after Google announced the development of the self-driving car. We ask the important questions about this exciting technology. One, what the f*** could possibly go wrong with that? Two, will this technological rollout be followed by the automatic unmanned ambulance and the spring loaded lamppost and the two in one

in bombotronic mechanical pathologianic pathologianic overtaker? And more importantly, will it take off in London? I cannot see London's drivers being interested, John, unless this car, this driverless car comes with a button that you can press to make the vehicle automatically drive like an absolute ****. Otherwise, London's drivers will not be interested. That section in the bin. Top story this week on your knees, peasants. It's the royal roundup. And just to be clear, this isn't a royal roundup in the French sense.

This isn't a guillotine-based check-in with royal family members across Europe. Having said that, it does feature some crowns being dropped. We start in Spain with King Juan Carlos, or KJC, as he tags all his graffiti. It's mainly graffiti images of him and a crown, to be honest, sitting in various thrones and lifting weights, which he decaisingly paint all the sides of trains in Spain in the middle of the night. That's not the point. King Carlos took the country and indeed the continent by surprise this week when he abdicated. It wasn't so much the timing that was the surprise. It was the fact that he abdicated at all. He has famously said, kings don't abdicate,

they die in their sleep. In fact, he was also reported to once joked with Queen Elizabeth, the real and only Queen, saying, both of us will die with our crowns on. To which the queen is presumably now going, ah, I've still got my crown on, ah, you're not dead and yours is off, ah, I'm still the queen, ah. Yeah, Spain was had a bit of a bad run recently after making its Faustian pack with a devil to stop choking at major football tournaments

in exchange for going economically more belly up than a pregnant hippopotamus trying to explain to another hippopotamus what Luz is. And now it's king. Ha, ha, ha it's King. I'm not glad you like that. Now it's King, King Juan Carlos, the pre-bearer, has hung up his crown. He's quatt the monarchy and he's in his mid-70s now. He's had a few mute media bloopers, but it's quite interesting a story for me. He was essentially appointed to the throne by General Franco, the notorious despot fascist civil war monger,

mass murderer, human rights abuser, a pressure of minorities, man, this guy had a lot of hobbies. Planting them level six, isn't all round certifiable. That's not the traditional way to come to the throne, is it? And the traditional way is, of course, being born after just dating for nine months in a dragon's stomach before being shot out of his mouth onto a golden cushion. So that's a new way to become a king.

Well, that's, you know, 20th century using what you use more modern technologies than the dragons' womb. But he, Juan Carlos, plotted behind Franco's back to bring freedom and democracy to Spain. And after the big effort finally popped his long overdue clogs in 1975, he prompted massive political and social changes in the country and on the way took some time out from Kinging stuff to scupper and military coup in 1981 that not only could have thrown Spain back to the Franco era but more importantly, cost serious doubts on the nation's ability to host the 1982 football World Cup so he really saved his nation in a number of ways. That's the interesting thing. He voluntarily gave up

basically dictatorial powers that inherited from Franco and successfully steered Spain into the democratic country that it is today full of incredible midfields with non-canny ability to keep the ball. That's all thanks to him. But being on the throne also came with certain perks for KJC. Not only did he get his pointy head gear,

that was a given, that was his to keep. He also had a pact with the press. They not publish information about any lovers or any scandalous dealings in business that he or anyone around him might become involved in. And you do not make a pact like that, Andy, without the intention of making full use of it. That is not a hypothetical tool. That is a sledgehammer you wish to whack around. Because King Juan Carlos had something

of a wandering scepter over the years, despite his publicly squeaky clean image. He has had, let's say, some well-traveled family jewels. The press eventually decided that this pact was built on bullshit, which led to the story a few years ago, which we actually covered on the bugle of King Juan Carlos being caught in the height of the worst economic crisis in Spanish memory, secretly traveling to Africa to hunt elephants with a woman who was not his wife.

It was an amazing story that was extremely funny to almost everyone except the wife and the elephant in question. Both of them felt absolutely terrible for being involved in completely different ways. So this is just one of the controversies that has recently stacked up like a big plate of really tasty ham. Oh man, if I was a pig's leg, I would be honored to be made into that. And as you say, so in Bugle issue 191 it was, so whilst his country was wallowing in the economic slurry, shat out all over it by the merciless anus of the global financial crisis, he monooked off to Botswana to shoot elephants. Now, wrestling elephants might have been okay. That at least would have been a kind of honorable contested dignified monarch, Martin Dalgian, elephant jousting,

no one would have a beef with that, that should be an Olympic sport in my book, admittedly, my book is full of bullshit, incoherent, poorly sub-edited, and things, most things should be Olympic sports, apart from some sports, that are Olympic sports. And he also shoots bears to be fair to Wankarlo, so this is not just an anti-element thing, and it's a kill or be killed world out there. The problem was that from this point on, his image was so stained that there was real concern that he might permanently damage the future

of the Spanish monarchy if his royal arse remained unabdicated. Hence, this week's announcement that he was going abd by-by. Although it's worth mentioning that this by no means solves the Spanish royal family's problems. In fact, it might actually give them a few more issues to get their golden heads around, because he, like the Pope, was really supposed to leave his job by dying.

There's no clear plan for where King Juan Carlos, or ex-King Juan Carlos and current Juan Carlos, is going to live now or who will pay for his living expenses, which makes sense because again he's really supposed to be living in the ground today and in fact not really living at all. Also while he was king he had full immunity from prosecution, a right that he used to reach a very disappointing zero bank robberies, That makes no sense. But that fact might become important

as he currently faces two separate paternities suits which he may now have to face. And that was the key problem, Andy. He lived his life like his penis was immune from prosecution. But now the chickens have come home to roost on that penis, Andy. And it may well be taken off in penis cuffs and be forced to appear with his balls in a high course of Spain.

I think I was the first draft of the Elton John song, wasn't it? You know, I think your penis had a muted even prosecution. The interesting thing here is that this is just part of a pattern of European abdication in the past 18 months alone, two kings and one queen have given up their jobs for life, the jobs for which an exit interview

was really supposed to be getting lowered into the ground. Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands was the first royal to resign, passing on the Dutch crown, which is, of course, an entire Eadam cheese with a whole cut in the middle. Passing it on to her son, Willem Alexander, the reason she gave was that at age 75, it was time to give the crown to someone younger. Just a few months after that, Belgium's Albert II,

the King of Belgium, the head waffle in chief, as he's also known. He gave up the Belgian crown, which is of course a hatch-shaped waffle with whipped cream squirted on the top. He did this after a string of scandals and controversies and his song Philippe took over. He was 78 when he left the Belgian throne, which is of course a chair made of waffles with strawberries for jewels. All of which makes you look at England's current queen, Andy, who is nearly 90 years old,

and who is currently refusing to either abdicate or die. And in doing so, he's flipping a royal bird at her son, her subjects, God, and all the weak kings and queens who couldn't hack it and gave up. Yes, in fact, the Guardian newspaper here in Britain said, the abdication of Wankarloffs should send shivers through the House of Windsor. I'm not sure it will send shivers, John. I don't think the Queen has any intention of breaking with the tradition of leaving her job in a box.

Queen Elizabeth II, the accessible face of medieval feudalism, who regained, spectacularly, her falling popularity by doing and saying absolutely nothing and doing and saying absolutely nothing, quite brilliantly. She is very much the Jimmy Hendrix of constitutional neutrality. And I can't also see, I do think she needs to modernize though, because I don't think she represents the nation that is modern Britain. John, she's been on the throne for 62 years. She's been a heterosexual Christian

for that entire time. Britain as a nation has changed. I believe she has a duty to the nation that is modern Britain to become a lesbian Muslim for the rest of her life. And I think that will do a lot to help Britain move forward into the 21st century as a modern nation in bracing minorities. And I think that could be her greatest legacy. The Queen was even in action this week, delivering the historic Queen speech, the state opening of Parliament, the event of pomp and pageantry that is as historic as it is, faintly embarrassing. She travels to the event in her new Diamond Jubilee carriage, which is quite similar to her old carriage, but which is pulled by horses with speakers in their arses and lights on their hooves.

The speech, as always, was written for her by ministers, meaning that she's used, basically, as a parliamentary puppet to make this speech, something of a queen karaoke machine. It's a time when government speech writers have the option of getting together and wondering, what do you think we can get her to say this year? And that kind of power means that this is an unforgivably wasted opportunity year after year after year after year. It means that her speech this year involved lines such as, my government legislative program will continue to deliver on its long-term plan to build a stronger economy and a fairer society.

When they could, Andy, they could have made her say, my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. And they're like, it's better than yours. Downright, it's better than yours. I could teach you but I'd have to charge. La la la la la. Warm it up. La la la la la la.

The boys are waiting. Instead, we got a pro-former speech announcing 11 new bills with pension reforms, new rights for fracking firms, unlimited power to recall any misbehaving MPs. It was f***ing boring. What was, what was, was that some of your own poetry or a? No, Andy, that was police. That own poetry or a no Andy that was police that was a police my milkshake The famous police song my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. Oh, right. Okay. Oh

I thought I was yeah, I'm a bit behind on police the anti lactose intolerance propaganda So as you say she is constitutionally basically a Ron Burgundy and constitutionally, basically, a Ron Burgundy. And to the government's opponents, what she was basically saying was not go f*** yourself San Diego, but go f*** yourself anywhere that isn't London. The only moment of drama came when one of the Queen's page boys dressed in an outfit which will haunt him for the rest of his life, fainted. He had been carrying her train as she walked into the chamber and he was standing by her and he collapsed with a loud thud

after she spoke of the need to work towards a, and I quote, comprehensive nuclear agreement with Iran. Literally on the word Iran, he passed out. And Prince Charles and Camilla, apparently, again, I quote, showed concern as help was called to assist him, and he was carried out of the chamber. I will say, though, Andy,

they didn't show concern by getting up and f***ing do anything to help a collapsed child. But as for the queen, she was lauded for not being distracted and continuing to read the speech without appearing to break her delivery. There's that classic maternal quality that she's famous for, Andy. I'll tell you why she didn't break her delivery. She couldn't give a shit. That's why. Oh, is that page boy broken? Just throw him on

the pile with the others and get me a new one. So all this talk of a fairer society, this has been quite a big story in Britain over recent, recent months, every set of economic figures is scrambled over like a toy zebra in a lining closure. And the age-old philosophical questions are debated such as, is there economic recovery, still an economic recovery? If the only people who notice it were rich enough not to have actually noticed the original downturn in the first place. And there's a sense that while we might have trickle down economics, where eventually those at the bottom benefit from the sea peach of money from the top down the trouser leg of practicality. We also seem to be having this country trickle up austerity,

wherein those at the bottom have their livelihoods slashed in the hope that eventually those at the top will be shamed into acting with a semblance of financial restraint. But there aren't any discernible signs that it works yet, but the Queen wrote that out, John, she will not be affected by any pity, any discernible pity or emotion in John, she will not be affected by any pitty, any discernible pitty or emotion in any way. And part of this, as you say, is because she arrived in spectacular style in that phenomenal new set of spanking wheels. It was amazing. I mean, the new Queen Mobile pipped up and blinged out with some quality artifacts. Bits from historic ships including Nelson's HMS victory in which he won the Battle of Trafalgar

before retiring at the very top of the night naval warfare game due to a career ending death. Musket balls from the battle field of Waterloo, wood from the door of Downing Streets, slivers from the Stone of Skone which is used only for coronation spits of all aeroplanes and cathedrals. And I don't know how often I've been in my car, John, thinking, oh, if only I had some cathedron here, I could drive as fast as I like knowing that God is going to keep me safe. It's also historic objects from British history, such as Mrs Newton's recipe for Wig and Apple pie that she rifted up in the kitchen. After her boy Isaac came home, we're in a real boat from an afternoon in the park sitting under trees. And the interior door handle of this carriage was made from the resin encrusted penis of

the notorious 17th century Lothario King Charles II. It's quite, quite spectacular and each door handle made by a specialist Jula New Zealand was individually decorated with 24 diamonds and 130 sapphires just in case. Because when you are queen and you're opening your car door You won't be able to think this door handle could pay for an entire school. Come on Britain. Know your place Also features a number of mod cons six hydraulic stabilizers covered in gold leaf fitted to the carries to ensure a smooth ride. It's best to have your hydraulic stabilizers covered in gold because if you're a queen, how would you even know you're being hydraulically stabilised?

It's like the old princess in a pea story. A true royal finds any vehicle really, really bumpy if it has non-gold and crusted hydraulic stabilizers. That's how they traditionally tell royals apart from the imposter's. The only problem was, as you suggested earlier, they spent so much money on getting out the new cart with all this rather tackily ostentatious stuff, touch of the hip hop about it to be honest,

ramming it full of the shavings of history that they ran out of money and couldn't put a fucking engine in it. So they had to strap a load of horses on the front so it would move. So W.J. Frecklington. Yep. Yes. Frecklington, you're massive Frecklington fancress. Frecklington is my favourite carriage maker.

It's just a shame he's Australian. He's a cracking carriage maker, Frecklington. This all makes it odd, because you might think, why was the Queen was missing all this public money and a ton of austerity on a completely unnecessary new set of wheels? But it was, in fact, a gift from a man who grew up in the Australian outback who makes carriages and he's he remorchered his own house to pay for this £2.7 million cart. And I'm not going to tell this guy how to live his life or spend

his wage, but I cannot I can't imagine sitting at home thinking, why won't somebody please make a completely unnecessary 2.7 million pound carriage for the coin, somebody has to do it. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Andy in predicted order finishing an 89 kilometer full race. Ooh, boys, I guess that's just stamina. That's stamina, Chris, not speed. Chris, I'll beat you over 10 meters. Yeah. This is over 89 kilometers, you might have the edge.

This past Sunday, the comrades marathon took place in South Africa. It's an 89 kilometer running race between the cities of, oh boy You know Dutch sounding place and urban pit Marys Blase anyone curious about it Joy the race. I was closely tracking the women's field as I had a friend who was aiming to finish in the top 20

At the 58 kilometer mark and name appeared in the top 50 women which caught my eye Eve Bugler of Great Britain. Could she possibly be the first woman to subscribe to the Bugle? Did she have a partner called Adam who placed her first order for a Bugle T-shirt? Eve clearly had a good pacing strategy coming 49th at 58 kilometers to finish as the 34th woman in 7... 7.5546.

Yours in running trivia Andrew. Yeah, so there you go. But I will say that if she didn't win, we are announcing Eve. Like God, we're announcing her. So how many interested in winners here at the Bugle? Yep, only winners. That's why I've never entered the London marathon.

Because always hear sportsmen saying, well, we wouldn't be here if we didn't think we could win it even though they clearly can't win it I take that attitude into marathon running so if I don't think I can actually win it what's the point you do all these triathlons Chris yeah how many do you actually win I've never won a single race never won a race no loser I have never lost a try I have set personal bests in race where I've come a few thousand places down I've never ever lost a single triathlon. That makes me a better triathlete than you, Chris. Yes, statistically. My career stats are better than yours. Any time you want to take me on. That's not what I was saying.

I do keep worry about coming into info at thebugelpodcast.com. And if you're listening, Eve Bugler, I do sincerely help you change your name to that in honour of this podcast. And stop running so stupidly, f**king far. World Cup and World John, I will be reporting live from the World Cup exclusively for the Bugle from South Powerl, well well from London just 5,700 miles From South power in Brazil, we're in just one week's time. The waiting will be over and the football can begin As can the diving time wasting tactical negativity shouting referees bleeding work referees and TV over analysis of referees It's the World Cup John the World Cup it a life does not get any better than the one week before a World Cup for me.

The anticipation before the slightly disappointing reality of Neil Nill draws kicks in. Smell of a wall chart, Andy, just unfold it, blue-tack the corners. It's the dance as old as time in there. Yeah, dance as old as... I don't know. It probably only goes back to 1930 in the first World Cup. I don't know if he even had... That's where time begins for me, Andy. Yeah, that's where time begins for Uruguay, I think.

They won the 10-man Uruguay. I did a kind of World Cup preview for the independent, so I'll post the link on the Hello Buglers Twitter feed, but it's just one week next Thursday. One week from today, as we record, Brazil, V. Croatia, and the the excitement is building like a Lego obsessed child. So many questions to answer. Can Brazil triumph on home soil?

I really hope they do, John, because I was in India when India won the cricket world cup on home soil, and the nationwide frenzy of excitement almost woke Gandhi up. Although my abiding memory of that joyous occasion was on the streets afterwards, in which I was the victim of some quite horrific racial abuse when this car of young Indian lads pulled up alongside me just in the streets, wound down the window and shouted, go home white man. And I thought, man, that is so 1940s. But then I remember I was actually due to go home the following day so they could just have been from the airline. But if Brazil does win the World Cup on home soil, the bouncing up and down could cause South America to flip North America into the air like a pancake, the continent shearing off at the Panama Canal, definitely a weak spot landing at a bit of a skewer angle out in the Pacific. And I just hope they play well, John.

I think Brazil generally make or break a world cup. I hope they play with some flair. Some of the old time Brazilian sides played football so beautiful. It made you want to dig up long dead relatives, blasts and very strong coffee into their fowsies faces and shout, what are you doing being dead you idiot? Wake up and watch this. Great to see you by the way. You look f***ing terrible. Really f***ing terrible. And are you still wearing that tati old robe from the funeral parlour, it is filthy. And then of course, next Saturday, I think it's England Italy and it's classic confrontation,

Dante versus Shakespeare, Da Vinci versus former kids TV artist, Tony Hart, Pavarotti versus Cagicago, and Bruno Leicist, Dwarmo and Florence against the smashed up bus shelter on the 8243. It is one of the all-time great cultural classics. The buildup has been slightly overshadowed by the controversy over the revelation that the Katarbit might have been rigged.

As revelations go, awarding a world cup to a country in a desert, the size of East Anglia with a population, the size of East Anglia, and slightly less interest in football than, for example, East Anglia. That was about a surprising revelation as discovering that Captain Scott, at some point, said words of the effect, yes, Chaps, it is a little bit on the parking side. But to take you into the World Cup, we have been delving around in the BBC archives to the last time the World Cup was held in Brazil that was back in 1950 and there was a famous

class John between my country, England and your country, the USA in that World Cup. I don't know if there's been much talk of that in the American media, recently in the city of Belorizante. And I've managed it out of the original BBC commentary from what was one of the greatest upsets in the history of World Football that rather punctured the assumed superiority of English football. And he's funny little American champs, it really is terribly good of them to turn up for the game up against the founding fathers of football of course England. Look at their little faces, the Americans so excited to be allowed out of play and when one could only applaud the spirit of sportsmanship which has driven them like lambs to the footballing slaughter.

To come take the rightful god-given punishment to be Julie Mieteded out where the greatest footballers in the world, Tom Finney, Stead Mortensen, Billy Wright and we don't want to waggle it in people's faces so the great standing met use not even playing today might keep the score in single figures. If we're being polite in the referee, the exact match start game has word with the American players presumably apologizing what about happened to them, put the whistle to his lips, said, there's could be tremendous fun, there will be a lot of goals here, they will start flooding in from those ever-so English boots. This will be tremendously funny to watch.

Thirty-eight minutes later. That's still Neil Nell, rather polite display by England so far. Most considerably allowing their American friends to enjoy the first half before. Putting them far earlier in their place after half time. Oh f***, f***ing hell America scored a f***ing goal. What the f*** was that? Who's got, do they have names? I didn't even consider it. Well, some little chat for running off looked rather happy.

Oh well, I guess it's going to be 10-1 instead of 10-0. No biggie, no biggie. Well, I'm an American. In the 90th minute. King Hell England, King Do Something, learn to pass the boy your useless pieces of shit, kick the, kick the Pollocks, sack the manage,

reference your fault, your f**king fault ref. But that's it, I'm gonna smash up a restaurant and urinate in a fountain back to London. Humiliating, one of the most humiliating days in English football history. So that's it for this week's Bugle More on the World Cup. Over the next few weeks we are exclusively covering. I believe the only media outlets allowed to report the results of the World Cup over the next month. So do stay tuned, Bugleers. In the meantime, keep your emails coming into info at the Buglepodcast.com,

check out our SoundCloud page, SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen bugle and don't forget you can buy your bugle merch and take out your voluntary subscriptions to keep this podcast not free for you but free for other people at thebugelpodcast.com. Until next time, bugleers, goodbye. Bye! I may so soup.