The Bugle - Bugle 273 – Season 2!

Episode Date: September 18, 2014

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Hello, Bugleers! And welcome to the Bugle Season 2! We are back for another 272 episodes of thrilling action and spine tingling romance in this the internet's longest running drama series, starring me, and he's ultimately British Nadia Comonuch, and reporting in from the Sillyside of the Atlantic, where he has spent the summer telling naughty people off on a weekly basis. It's the man, Dan Rava, always dreamed of being John Oliver. Hello, Andy.

Hello, viewers. Well, that was one fat season one, Andy. That was one oversized first attempt at entertainment. How was everyone summer? I know that you, Andy, went to Edinburgh, the way that heavyweight boxers go to a ring. You went to call some comedic concussions, Andy. You went to knock some audiences out and then ostentatiously dance over there,

prostrate bodies, and onlookers began to question whether this is a spectacle that humanity should really be condone it How did it go Andy? Well, I'm pretty much exactly as you just described it John That is what I thought so I myself was here in New York working for most of the time It's been a great deal of fun two weeks ago just to give you a taste I was standing next to a grand piano with my arm around a man in a giant gecko astronaut

costume, pouring out a 40 in memory of the five dead Russian space sex geckos. And you know what I was thinking Andy? I was thinking, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be right now. Some people find peace in the baby's laugh, and he, others in the wind rustling through the trees on a sunny day. Personally, I find it in the dead plastic eyes of a six foot two-protein SpaceX gecko. We all meet our moments of calm in our own way. I'd like to meet these people who find peace in a baby's laugh, because... But I don't know, that's not my experience of parenting.

For me, the baby's laugh is merely a harbinger of the baby's tears. Chris, how's your summer? I haven't done anything. Better call us if fatherhood going on. I've changed nappies. I've dreaded the return of the bugle. Right. It's going to spend more time away from my baby.

Who might need another nappy change. That's important. Just bring him in. Okay. Uh, bring him in. Okay. Err, bring her in. Mabel and D. Well, they often change over the summer. That is true. Yep.

Well, of course, we left you earlier in the summer with a series of gripping cliff hangers. Wood Vladimir Putin returned his metaphorical plonker to the literal trousers of decency and re-hows its in the wife's front of compromise. Wood those naughty terrorists ever invest in some basic manners? And would England win the football World Cup? And the answers to those three questions have turned out to be no, no, and almost certainly never.

We left the world unattended, John, for three months. And frankly, its behavior has left a lot to be desired. We're recording on the 18th of September, 2014. Now this is coinciding with probably the most important moments in recent global history, because today, John, as we recalled, it is my 10th wedding anniversary. Oh, that's huge. That means that 10 years and about three hours ago,

my soon to be wife, as I'm sure you remember, was busy leaning backwards in a taxi dressed head to toe in a big old wedding dress, flipping a bird to John Oliver. That's right. Best bird I've ever seen flipped, Andy. And you know, I don't say that lightly. I remember hearing about that bird flipping later that day after the wedding ceremony and thinking,

she sounds like my kind of woman. Just some of the press headlines from that morning, luckiest girl in the world from International Romance Monthly magazine, the envy of all women and most men from New York times and the lady who landed the big fish, she must break tartar sauce in the eyes of all other women, the economist. So 10, 10, 10 glorious, glorious years. We're about to overtake Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor in terms of marriage, long-everty. I'll say it's very much as peas in the same pot. As always, the section of the bugle is going straight in the bin.

This week, the launch of the iPhone 6. Have you got one yet, John? Not yet, and he knows. Right, that's gotta be matter of time. Following hot on the heels of the Apple Watch, which is a watch that's revolutionary, you can put on your wrist, but which has a new feature in which it wirelessly links up with your brain and makes you think, this is completely fucking unnecessary.

Humanity did not do this, I want a real fucking watch. In fact, just put a fucking sundial on my wrist. But the iPhone 6 quick review in our section in the bin based, once again on the classic quadriateral shape, the rectangle and featuring the classic surfaces front and back, the 6 is more than just a phone. It can be used as amongst other things, a chopping board for small vegetables and in utero ice rink for parents who want their feeders is to learn to skate before birth. A genuine friend, a mortuary slab for deceased household mice and a pocket shield for hand-to-hand combat in the event of a medieval war breaking out. And of course you can simultaneously film the brutal crowscores, close quarters,

mayhem on the iPhone's camera, which uses digital memory to record the images rather than the traditional silver plated copper plates that used to be used in photography. So you can have an accurate record of the fighting if you want to, if you want your surviving relatives to commemorate you in the form of a tapestry. The iPhone 6 has been controversially named after the high-ranking Nazi official, Dr. Franz VI. I assume. I'm not going to do that, I'm going to.

Well, I don't think? Well, I mean, there's nothing in their promotional literature that says otherwise, so we have to assume the worst. I mean, that's, I just, I think that shows perhaps overconfidence in their commercial franchise. You'd have thought after the disastrous failure of the Motorola Mussolini,

these phone companies would steer clear of that kind of stuff. And also the iPhone 6 features a spiritual side as well as its consumer side. It can wirelessly submit prayers to up to 30 of the world's leading deities simultaneously, not including the North God Thor who signed an exclusive deal with Nokia a couple years ago. And it comes with an in-built app that monitors everything you do, read, think, eat, drink and say before providing you with a daily projection of your likely afterlife status, claim to be accurate to within 0.01% of an eternal damnation. And amongst the Adon peripherals, a 5-seat family car with

an iPhone charger at just $25,000 USD. And to mark the historic launch, Apple is releasing 100 million bottles of a new limited edition cider made from old iPhone 3s. Crushed down and fermented to make an alcoholic beverage described by Anelius Tusk, the cider correspondent of the 21st Century Boothand magazine, as, quote, surprisingly refreshing, if unquestionably metallic for a cider, but above all, wireless. That section in the bin. have been. Top story this week, are they the new or are they the yes? It's the Scottish Independence referendum. Well, Andy, after two and a half years of campaigning and centuries upon centuries

of tension, it's all led us to this. Scotland today, today votes on whether or not to leave the United Kingdom and strike out on its own. And Scotland has to put it frankly, not been as entertaining as this since they started inexplicably throwing tree trunks around. What is the feeling over there Andy? It must be electric in the air. Well, I love the smell of democracy in the morning, John. It is all kicking off.

It's... There's genuine excitement, John, about the democratic process, which is, frankly, something that has put the major shits up West Minister, given that they've been basically exclusively dedicated to preventing democratic excitement happening for at least the last 20 years. And we're just worried about, you know, what? We could see the Queen crying public for the first time. No, no, no, it can't be done. The Queen crying public would be basically a minor tremble of the upper lip.

And that would, but that point, bucket and palace would just burst into flames. You know, Andy, Joni Mitchell famously sang, don't you always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got till it's gone? And she's still right, Andy, because in Scotland's case, the rest of the UK has a majestic country of spectacular landscapes as well as the highest rate of heart disease in the whole of Europe. But like any divorce, if the UK were to split,

there would clearly be serious problems. There would be a small matter of who gets what in the separation agreement. Scotland would probably take Andy Murray's Wimbledon title back, meaning that we would... No! No! I know Andy. I know, meaning that we would once more be banking on Tim Henman, making an incredible career comeback. But in that case, Andy, if it happens, they can frankly kiss goodbye to Tilda Swinton's Oscar. She was born in London, and the... career come back. But in that case, Andy, if it happens, they can frankly kiss goodbye to till the Swinton's Oscar. She was born in London and the Scots, let me don't leave it. You're f**king okay. I'm so emotionally unstable, Andy. It looks like I might actually

go. Yeah, it's got very, very close to the extent where David Cameron was reduced to fleeing North to Scotland and telling Scotland that it would break his heart if they left, which I think probably could be the decisive swing in favour of independence. I know you shouldn't vote. No question Andy, it will be worth it to upset him. I know, I know when you're voting on a big thing, you shouldn't base it on short term, short term or personal concerns in such a major matter as this. But when that is offered to you, John, the look on David Cameron's face on Friday morning, tomorrow morning, if Scotland votes to snap off from the rest of the UK, I could fully

understand they 100% yes vote. It would just see that. Like you say, it's not an ideal way to vote for full independence for your country, just to spite another human being. But even if the consequences are disastrous, I do think a great grandfather, Scottish man in the future could look down

at his great grandson, as his inferno of a country continues going up and flying to say, I've got to tell you, kid it, you should have seen the look on his face. I regret nothing. He was so sad. I've not been over there in the UK for the campaign, Andy, so I've not been subjected to its full force, but it does seem from the outside that the better together campaign was incredibly negative. I saw one photo of some billboards, which apparently read, I love my family, so I'm voting no.

What kind of implication is that, exactly? That sounds like the response to a mob threat. Lovely family you got here, all nestled snugly in a 300 year old economic union in Nations. Such a shame if something were to happen to all of them. I love my family, I'm voting no, please don't hurt them. That is, that was, to be honest, about as positive as the campaigning got, there was a lot of complacency I think, because I think most people had assumed it would be a fairly comfortable no vote. And the tone of the early campaigning

was basically just to say, well, if it was right for Britain three hundred and seven years ago, it is right for Britain now. And there have been some extraordinary adverts aside from that. There was a long campaign video adverts in which basically had a woman sitting at a table in her kitchen basically saying, I am too silly to vote as a humble woman, therefore I have to vote no. And it was really democracy at its grubby, grubby worst. It appears there's been something of a shifting in tone now from essentially threatening

Scotland that they risked economic, economic armageddon if they left. To now essentially desperately appealing to their heartstrings, so the UK would be irreparably damaged without them. And there were, even last minute promises from all three major Westminster leaders. On Tuesday, David Cameron, Nick Clegg, and Ed Miliband published a vow signed by all of them, pledging extensive new powers for the Scottish Parliament parties,

including a promise to, and I quote, share our resources equally. And that kind of thing was absolutely not on the cards until Paul suggested that Scotland might actually leave. All of which seems a bit like an emotionally abusive husband desperately buying flowers for his wife after finally spotting a packed suitcase of her things in the bedroom. And it's even coming with even more insults because apparently there's no campaign this week has been distributing leaflets comparing Scotland to North Korea. And at this point, England is just coming off as emotionally unstable.

Don't leave. Please, I'm nothing without you. I'll want that. If you want to go, go. You don't think I can get no way to take your place in a second. Oh, I'm talking about that. Here's some more parliamentary powers. You know that we're good together.

And you know that if you only stop winding your fat cow, I'm best thing that's ever happened here. You'll never make it on your own That you you don't want you're too old and your economy's all wonky and if you if you try to leave I'll kill you and I'll kill myself In that order no the other order wait I hate you your beautiful bitch now kiss me again out of here Now kiss me again out of here. I think that was the Queen's internal monologue, essentially, during the last couple of weeks. As you said, the three leaders ran up to Scotland. They basically cancelled Westminster for the day. They cancelled Prime Minister's questions and went up to Scotland.

Now given the popularity of Cameron, Clegg and Milliband, particularly in Scotland, this was the equivalent of trying to dissuade a lion from eating a child by dressing that child in a zebra costume. But it was a definite missed opportunity for Alex Samard. If he'd been a real Scottish leader, John, he would have taken advantage of England's top brass being Aewol and invited. Just as Cameron was getting off the train in Edinburgh for a busy day avoiding public engagements for fear of being egged, Sam and would have been already burning down the walls of York and painting himself blue. Screaming, you're all Scottish new!

The whole world seems to suddenly be paying attention to this, especially now there seems to be a genuine possibility that Scotland will go. Even China has publicly come out as completely against the idea, although to be fair, I do think that's more because they hate the idea of independence in any form, rather than Scottish independence in particular. It's more a sense really of saying, Scotland should not have independence. Do we make that clear Tibet? You stroppy little shit?

Former Italian Prime Minister Enrico Letter has also warned that Scotland voting for independence will be a disaster for Britain and the EU. Although, I tell you what else will be a disaster for Britain and the EU and the EU. And that is Italy continuing to stuff its economy into the boot of its car, ties into blocks to its angles and pushing the car off a bridge. If they could stop doing that, that might help as well. Tony Abbott, your old buddy, the Australian Prime Minister,

he also waded in saying a few weeks ago, now I said this, I think that people who would like to see the breakup of the United Kingdom are not the friends of justice or the friends of freedom, which was a totally extraordinary thing to say. And it rather suggests that in on the border of Syria and Iraq, there are ISIL terrorists saying, tell you what folks, 18th of September, let's take a day off from hating the West and hating women and let's watch this fascinating display of democracy unfold. And a quick note to any members of ISIS listening, when Al Qaeda are bawling you out for bad behaviour, you need to take five and think about your corporate ethos as a franchise.

So it all comes down, Scottish independence, to a very simple question. In January of last year, after an almost unbelievable amount of debate over the specific language with which the question would be posed, both sides settled on this. The question should Scotland be an independent country. It doesn't really seem like semantic rocket science to construct a basic question with just six words, which provokes a yes-no response. But at least they managed it, Andy, because in Canada, the Quebecers have apparently faced in their referendums a 43-word question and a 106-word question.

But you know what, that's the French for you, Andy. I think that question even mandated that before you answer, you drink half a bowl of red wine and that the only two potential responses were a shrug or an indecipherable large gesture with your hands. Also, the way French works without a 106-word question are 100% of responses were shrug or an indecipherable large gesture with your hands. Also, the way French works with that 106 word question, probably just translated as yes or no in English. You said there has been a phenomenal amount of economic scare mongering and businesses and the British government generally acting like a grumpy parent at a children's sports day saying,

I would not enter that event of IWU, you could lose an eye if the egg ricochets off the spoon into your face. Both sides have been calling bullshit on each other's economic projections, which is fine and understandable because all economic projections are bullshit, or at least some kind of alchemic combination of guesswork, subjective emphasis, carefully selected and decontextualised facts, and honest bare face lies that collectively smell like bullshit, because economics, John, is a flyty, fickle and temperamental little shit. Able to look at a watermelon, nods seriously, takes some notes, and tell you with a straight

face that that watermelon is a motorbike, before turning around and telling someone else with an equally straight face that the watermelon is in fact a puppy. Another interesting detail in today's vote is that the law was changed so that for the first time 16 and 17-year-olds will be able to vote. And that has to be a huge boost for the pro-independence movement. And because who could be more interested in independence than someone who has a curfew of 10-30 and who is forced to share a bunk bed with their nine-year-old sister.

F**k you, England! You don't understand me. I wish we'd never been forcibly co-opted into the union. God, I hate you! Hahahaha! Ah, even the queen herself has apparently advised Scotland to think very carefully about what decisions they're about to make, which is a pretty chilling way to put it, Andy. It doesn't make you wonder whether she has an arsenal of nuclear corkies

that she's willing to dispatch if this vote does not go the way that she wants. And perhaps the boldest appeal to Scotland's feelings, Prince William even impregnated his wife again. And announcing the pregnancy just a few weeks ago, in a clear attempt to influence the Scottish referendum. Why else would they be having a second child Andy? It doesn't make any sense. This was the boldest move they could possibly have made, short of her giving birth publicly on Hadrian's Wall to a baby that came out with a painted

blue face wearing a guilt-screaming freedom. And I haven't heard breaking news that baby Maureg is due to be born, I believe, in April of next year. I'm not sure. As you say, the history of this is rather complicated. The union basically began as a sort of marriage of economic convenience, just over 300 years ago. But there's been a lot of tension, I think, between the bottom bit of this island and the top bit. Really since Emperor Hadrian took one look at Scotland

and said, wall, big, f***ing wall. And there've been a number of anniversaries that have been cited as potentially influencing the way that people vote, so important moments in Scottish history. It's exactly 40 years since 1974, so the 40th anniversary of the Basiti Rollers breakthrough single, Remember Shalala, which contains the politically incendiary lyric, Shimi Shami Shom, we used to make them songs, remember Shalala Loo are used to sing to you, which if played backwards sounds like death to the union and all who support it, let Scotland once more be its own master and its own slave, and may Edward Heath be battered like a sausage and drowned in gravy. So, and also, 1314, 700 years ago, the Battle of Banachburn, I believe the history panel verdict, is home win on that, a famous Scottish victory.

Over England, one of the most famous battles in Scottish history. And it was suggested that this might affect the way that people vote. This surge of patriotism from a battle that happened 700 years ago. Now, I'm not going to tell people how to behave in a polling station, but if, at any point in your voting life, anywhere in the world, you find your decision being influenced by the results of a battle from 700 fucking years ago, put your pencil down and walk out of that polling station and say no, I am out of my democratic comfort zone, this is not my game

and move to the Middle East. Another amazing side story is the potential voter turnout today, a total of 4,285,323 people have registered to vote, which is a massive 97% of the total number of people eligible to register to vote. Experts are projecting a turnout of over 80%, which is really incredible. But you would also f**king hope so, Andy, because even allowing for our politically apathetic times, but you would also fucking hope so Andy, because even allowing for our politically apathetic times, if you cannot get your ass into a voting booth to vote on essentially which country

you're currently standing on, then maybe democracy is just not for you. Also one of the big questions that's going to be influencing people's decision is of course, whether or not Scotland as an independent country would be able to keep the pound or, as they call it, the poond. So, what is the current feeling over there, Andy? Would Scotland be able to keep the poond? Is that something they could have? Well, currently, all the no campaigner saying, no, you basically wouldn't be able to keep the pounds. Where's what they keep? The poond is. The poond. They're not

interested in the pound. Clearly, what they mean is, yeah, we'll probably find a way to make it work, but they can't really say that, John. They can't say it, but I think it would certainly have to feature pictures of the queen looking really sad and wearing a Jimmy hat, which he doesn't have daily basis anyway.

This morning, in what could be a decisive turn of events. Andy Murray, the aforementioned Andy Murray, the British tennis player has finally broken his silence on the referendum John. He said this, huge day for Scotland, the no campaigns and negativity in the last few days totally swayed my view on it. Excited to see the outcome. Let's do this. So Murray is in favor of independence, John. Wow, that's amazing. And, but it's not just him, John. What about the other top 100 ranked tennis players in the world?

Well, world number 54, Edward Roger Vassel out of France, said it's sickening the way big businesses are essentially trying to blackmail Scots into voting no. There is good as taking backhanders from Westminster. Whereas Lucas Laco, the Slovakian World Number 84, he's on the other side, he says, I'm with a no camp and I expect I'll get a volley of abuse for that. On the women's game, Alison Van Eyck, Van Eyck, World number 79 from Holland says, yes, the UK system is not currently working fairly, but that doesn't mean that independence is right, by which

I mean, I think it would be a double fault. Whereas, Simone Hallep, the World Number 2 from Romania, said, I'm World Number 2, Simone Hallep from Romania. I'm with the yes camp. I think significantly reducing the size of something can give you much more energy and mobility. I know this because I have shot up the world rankings of late following major breast reduction surgery. So it could be that Simone Halleps, spectacular year on the tennis circuit

by Father Bessier-Furkera could swing the referendum in favor of yes. History will be the judge. A lot of the economic debate, John has been focused on Scotland's oil and how much it would have, there's very speculation over exactly how much. It's slightly less than they would have had after Tony Blair did a cheeky little move of Britain's maritime borders and I think he claimed

he was just protecting the North Sea oil from the invading Iraqi Navy at the time. But 40 years as well, I've heard around Scotland has around about 40 years of oil. So I guess it's not on a pressing concern. I mean, that is a lifetime away in certain parts of inner city Glasgow, which I guess might be the problem. And also, I'm not sure that this oil will give Scotland the economic independence and self-determination at Crave. So I mean, look at how oil works around the world, John. I think what it will give Scotland's the chance to dream that maybe if it goes independent one day and five, ten, maybe fifteen years time, a Scottish oil billionaire will be pissing away his nation's birthright on a mid-ranking English Premier League football

team. Live the dream Scotland, live the dream. And now on this historic day for Britain and British democracy as we are about to shard into a million different pieces of the nation potentially. It's time for a special bugle, Oscar Scotsman. And that Scotsman is the former bugle producer Tom, currently based, about as far away from Scotland as he can physically get without leaving the surface of the planet. is the former bugle producer, Tom, currently based, about as far away from Scotland as he can physically get without leaving the surface of the planet in Australia. Hello, Tom.

Freedom! Oh, what? We're gonna be using the pound. How is that gonna work? So are you excited about this piece of democracy that you as a proud Scotsman are not entitled to take part in? Not remotely, no.

Right. And because I mean, there's a number of very awkward, or could constitutional questions that haven't been adequately answered, obli by either side, what is going to happen to the Queen's I Heart UK tattoo? I mean, what are we going to, because the name of the country could have to change the former UK could be, you know, F.U.K. that comes with that, it's fought with difficulties at a bugle suggests. I think Northern. I think the Queen's tattoo is safe. To keep your interest Andy, I'm going to use a sporting analogy. Okay, my full on the body that's actually the Scotland football team full of false hope

taking on the world champions recently Germany Running them pretty close to one, but no one really expected them to win It was all part of sentimental Celtic romanticism that really no one put much faith in The no camp is more like the England team, which represents capital and the markets and the media. It's depressing, it's relentless, but somehow it just keeps on going on, depressing us, and that is reality. So it's hope versus reality,

and I think it's very much going to be reality tomorrow. I'm putting my bed on that. A dance as old as democracy itself. The Queen Satoshi will be fine, Andy. She can just turn the UK into the University of Kentucky. Oh, logo. That's fine. She's just going to become a huge University of Kentucky fan. I think she did. That will never go away.

She did a semester there, I think, didn't she? She was in this. She was in the volleyball team. I do have to question the legitimacy of two race traitors being part of this. John being based in America and me being based in Australia. Yeah, me and Chris are basically holding this whole fucking country together with the traitors like you. If they leave, it's all on you, Andy. The bad one. The bad one. The scholar doesn't have no problem with it when Twilight was there.

You went to Oxford, so you're David Cameron and Chris is Milliband, so to be honest. What? What? I don't think I've ever heard Chris as angry as that in my life. So somehow, how do you hope it's going to go? Well, what side do you want? It's very conflicting, to be honest, the Better Together campaign has been more depressing than Scottish history, and if anyone's actually studying Scottish history, and literally

of terrible things that will happen if mainly based around money and influence of things that we don't really have influence over. But the other side is Alex Salmond who comes across as a very, very slick car salesman who's going, look at this Mr. and Mrs. Scotland are beautiful convertible sports car. Wouldn't you like to feel the freedom in your hair amongst the drizzle on the midges? Excuse me, Mr. Simon, what's that alarming lack of oil at the bottom of the car? Don't be concerned with that. Look at this beautiful freedom I'm offering you. Let me just, you're always on this list.

To rest here. Scotland's actually done quite well out of the union. And this is someone who I was a committed nationalist until about the age of 30. We also didn't invent the deep-fried Mars barn. I was actually invented in Hull, in England. Many other myths need to be disputed. Haggis is actually quite nice, according to John's ridiculous racist stereotype on his I will all be dead soon anyway. I mean give it a hundred years. Who's gonna give a shit?

Tom the exile scots from the other half of the world. Thank you very much in doing Well, that's it good luck Scotland's's. However, you votes are hope you're happy with yourself. I guess whatever the result, we're gonna wake up tomorrow morning, Friday morning, John. With two big questions, whatever happens. One, what the fuck is Britain? And two, seriously, what the fuck is Britain? So I think this story is gonna rumble on long after the voting has been counted. That's all from this week's Bugle. It's great to be back, Bugleers.

So we'll be back next week. Do keep your emails coming into info at the Bugle podcast.com and do come to my Soho Theatre show Monday, the 22nd of Saturday, the 27th next week. Keep your email so that coming in to satirize this at satrisforhard.com. Thanks for everyone who's here to see the show. So far, and until next week, goodbye and vote hard and vote off on Scotland. Thank you.