The Bugle - Bugle 276 – Calypso bad

Episode Date: October 23, 2014

What's happening in Britain? Why are white men singing reggae songs about immigration? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Hello, Bugleers, and welcome to issue 276 of the universe's largest covert operation to reinstitute the worst for the Greek Olympian gods into mainstream politics and society. I'm Andy Zoltzman, four decades of successfully avoiding reality and still going strong and joining me from the silly side of the big pond It's the comedy Titanic himself in that he gets right to the very bottom of things and has become Consumption for what he's done on the other side of it Atlantic after leaving Britain and Leave some people completely cold. It's John Oliver. Oh Boy that is devastatingly fair Andy. Hello Andy, hello Puglers.

A quick update with me Andy. Liverpool lost 3-0 to Rail Madrid last night, so I have nothing to say. Nothing. My team was humiliated by a bunch of Spaniards. Not even Spaniards Andy. A Portuguese guy, a Colombian, a Mexican, another Portuguese guy, a couple of Frenchmen, and a Welshman who didn't even play. It's a disaster, Andy. Well, you have my sincerest sympathies. Tough times.

Yeah, very tough times. Has there been a mass protest on the streets in New York by? No, I've been left with that. You're irritated by the indifference here. All right. Oh, you should raise the issue on your show, John. I have a little model Philip Coutinho in my office, and I can't even look at him today. So this is Bugougal 276 for the week ending

Friday the 24th October 2014. We're recording on the 23rd of October on this day in the year 425 AD. Valentinian III became Roman Emperor at the age of six, which seems that's quite a young age. We're promoting a kid to be emperor. I mean, maybe he was a... If you're good enough, you're old enough. I guess there is there. Turn out that he probably wasn't either of those two things. Also, 275 years to the day since the start of the war of Jenkins' ear, which was provoked by the Spanish, lopping off the air of an English sailor called Jenkins, ended up with 25,000 people dead,

and a treaty agreeing to restore things to exactly how they were before it all started. Classic war, apart from obviously restoring the side of Jenkins' head, which remained considerably damaged. Nominated for the stupidest named conflict of the Second Millennium by International War magazine, alongside the Wiggly Waggley War, that was an early 17th century conflict between Britain and Romania, in which both sides agreed to use flaccid swords made from string in order to minimize casualties

on both sides. The Battle of Colin the Terrapin in 1903, that was between Mexico and Russia, prompted by Tsar Nicholas II accidentally eating the prized terrapin belonging to the Parliament to the next morning. They reached as far as the Mexican Pacific Coast, opened fire in a vague north-western direction. Whilst the Russian army stayed in their barracks several thousand miles away, muttering sea in the winter looses, the fighting raged for two and a half minutes, resulted in no casualties. Before Tsar Nicholas had a tank full of new terrapins, all named Colin delivered to Diaz's hotel room and a peace treaty was agreed. And also the bird shit war. That was Bolivarian Peru versus Chile in the 19th century over access to massive piles

of bird shit. And that one did actually happen. I will admit that the other two might not entirely have happened. But the bird shit war, said under the Guano war, was's the genuine war over, because a bird ship was quite useful in making gunpowder, I believe, for explosives. And on the subjects of massive piles of shit, on this day in 1958, the world was treated the first appearance of the smurfs in a magazine. And on Friday the 24th of October, 1947, so that's just 67 short years ago, Walt Disney testified before the House Unamerican Activities Committee, naming Disney employees that he

believed to be communists. These included Donald Duck, basically what Lenin would have been if he'd been a duck. Oswald the Lucky Rabbit, that's an obvious parody of Mao Chi-Tung, three of the Seven Dwarves, Grumpy, Riling Against the Privile the privileged oligarchy, Dopey hadn't thought through the logistics of Marxist Superstates and Sneasy, obviously spent the winter in Russia. As always, a section of the bugle is going straight in the bin this week, you and your pyramids. We tell you how to prepare a fitting memorial for future civilizations to remember you by. Get your kids to decorate the inside with some funny little pictures to trick your

archaeologists to the future, into trying to decipher a supposedly complex written language. We give you advice on DIY budget pyramids, not everyone can afford a full Egyptian big and pointy effort and the enslaved workforce required to construct it. So we tell you how to construct a mausoleum visible from miles around and set to last at least 3,000 years using just ordinary household cardboard boxes, some instant porridge oats, white wine vinegar or other replacement in bombing fluids such as ketchup, mayonnaise or peanut butter and 3 million tons of limestone blocks. And we give you a free audio curse that plays automatically on your mummified remains being uncovered.

Ah, loser, you have made a big mistake. I, the great insert name here. Ruler of Insert Home Address with Postal or Zip Code. Curse you to be hounded by Insert Agents of Eternal Vengeance here. For the next, insert duration of Curse up to a maximum of three generations. For longer curses, please see the website for our Platinum Superfair O-Package. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP B Top story this week, Great Britain update. And Andy, as we know, I am from Great Britain, I am Great British, I believe the term is, but I was driven from those pastures by what I can only describe as understandable indifference. So let's say the temperature of blighty and see how it's doing at the moment. Well, John, you say you could have stuck it out. I have stuck it out in the face of the same understandable indifference for eight more years. I've just clearly made it tough for stuff

than you, Quitter. You could take more of an indifference punch than I could. I guess that's you've got a better chin than I have. So a major new report has warned that Britain is on the verge of becoming a permanently divided nation with the poorest in society being left behind. And some will hear that as a warning, Andy. But others will take that as a sign that Britain is returning back to its glorious roots. Because that's the problem with dire sounding reports. Their reception is predicated entirely on people's point of view. So when, for instance, the Social Mobility and Child Poverty Commission says that Britain

is likely to see an unprecedented rise in child poverty over the next decade due to the effect of welfare cuts, they're probably assuming that people will be utterly horrified by that. But that does not take into account that some people will be hoping that this means the return of child chimney swimmers. Oh, they were so charismatic, Andy, always breaking into song with their dusty, dusty faces and doing that cute thing where they cough up sort, which, you know, had filled their little lungs. Plus, their tiny little hands, Medwan could truly expect a sparklingly clean chimney. In fact, statement from the Conservative led government in response to this claim, held the reports as, quote, further proof that our economic reforms are truly working and added

that there is still much to do over the rest of the course of this government and the next to ensure that permanent divisions become even more permanently permanent before Labour hit back saying, a Labour government would leave the poorest parts of society up to 2% less far behind than the current coalition government, a claim that was immediately rubbish by the government's minister for social immobility Redwind Straves who said, and who's got a pay for that? Corporate taxation or battle or magic fall? Good like what either of those led in? An aspatement to the right wing social think tank are didoms, said, This is a further sign that Britain is returning to the dynamic levels of inequality

that were present when we rose to the very top of the world imperialism rankings. It is a historical fact that the sport, poor, spluttering themselves to death in squalid conditions and being ruthlessly exploited by the wealthy and powerful, coincided with Britain conquering at least 95% of the known world. And that cannot possibly be coincidence. Go Team GB. Britain's current class divide does seem to suggest that the UK government

has looked at the popularity of down-abby overseas and thought, well, why don't we just do that again for real this time? People will love it. At Lord Norman Tebbet has also been back in action this week. Oh, I remember him being a designer. For previous pupils, as a man who, for a start, looks exactly like what you think a man called Norman Tebbit

would look like, but who was also absolutely terrified about the concept of a lesbian queen. Now, in the past, he's responded to unemployment by saying that people should just get on their bike and look for work, presumably in some form of velodrome. That's right. This was only 25 years. He said when he said that. So, yeah, we had Cavendish and Bradley were getting his dominating the Tour de France

on. You've got to give tevis, exactly. He was either 25 years ahead of his time or 300 years behind it. Those two are not mutually exclusive in British politics. Well, this week, 10% of letter suggesting an idea that he feels would kill two birds with one stone, which is true if those two birds represent civilized society and one stone represent a crotchety old man's stupid, fucking idea. He suggested that young unemployed people

should be forced to pick up weeds in exchange for unemployment benefits, which is either Andy, the opinion of an asshole, or the opinion of someone who has a lot of weeds in his garden, and who is also an asshole. His exact letter read, Len Donors who wished to control rag-watt, which I believe is a weed,

face an impossible task when roadside virtues are dominated by it to an extent that I cannot remember in the past. There would be little costs to bring that under control if needs and low-level criminals were required in part of their contribution to the society which finances, or which they have abused if they were used to uproot this weed. Now, you probably think a lot of things there, but chief amongst them might well be,

what the f*** is a neat? And that's a valid question. Yep. Because a neat, as he refers to them, apparently stands for a person who is not in employment, education or training. And you really get the sense that Teppet has learned that acronym to try and desperately weed himself off saying the word peasants, which I think rolls much cleaner off Teppet's tongue. Rag will is a real problem though. Is that... Makes animals sick. Really?

How much they have to eat to make them sick? Not much. She's too filled to earth. So Tebbit is camouflaging an understandable love of animals under right wing political rhetoric. That's a curious way to go about things. In UKIP news, the UK Independence Party, the political party, which is managed to reduce the British psyche down to a sue source of its worst qualities, has a new song from a former Radio One DJ, Mike Reed. It's called the UKIP Kalypso,

and it features lines such as, leaders committed a cardinal sin, open the borders, let them all come in. Illegal immigrants in every town stand up and be counted, Blair and Brown. And I have to say, I need a little ironic that the musical style of choice was Kalypso, which is of course sonically a bit of an immigrant, come with over to Brit Nandy, take it over from all our good, hard-working,

lute music. It's not right. It's a truly extraordinary song, let's let's just hear some of the the Miliflus. Leaders committed a card in a sin, open the borders, let them all come in. Illegal immigrants in every town. Townsend have seen the song review does the greatest piece of British music since Bo De Sier sang karaoke on a hen night. So there you go, I mean it's very hard to argue

with creative output, like that, some of the reviews of this song from the music press, the described it as quotes like staring into the arsehole of Satan, the lyrical equivalent of smashing yourself in the nuts with a garden shovel. The NME, I believe, described it as the logical endpoint of all Western civilization, it's hard to see what further creative characters can be vomited into the cultural sick bag after this. It makes one regret that cavemen ever discovered that if you line up dinosaurs with different sides skulls and whack them on the heads with a big stick, you can get a half decent tune out of them before they eat you.

And literally that wasn't actually published, but it's just surely a matter of time. It's, I mean, has it had a lot of air time states? I don't know how hard British musicians work to make the break on the... Well, that's the dream. Clearly, Mike Reed has got one eye on the US market here. The only view here has been from Kirk Abane, who released a statement saying,

I'm so glad I'm dead. I'm so, so glad. Because if the song wasn't conceptually, fundamentally flawed enough, Mike Reed opts to sing the clip, so of course, in a mock carabine accent, which he defended, apparently, by saying, it's a satire and a bit of fun. It's not terribly serious. It wouldn't have sounded very good sung in a sorry accent. But the problem with that is, it seems to imply that it sounded anything other than horrific, being sung in a sorry accent,

pretending to be a Caribbean accent. It did say it was an old-fashioned political satire. Pretty old-fashioned, I'd say, at least 150 years old-fashioned. And those words he said, you cannot sing a calypso with a sorry accent. I think that's quite a reliable guide. So if you do have a sorry accent and you are thinking of singing calypso, either A, don't sing calypso, B, check the lyrics first just to make 100% sure there aren't any words versus or entire fucking songs that might sound just a little bit on the racist side of the seesaw if being

sung, for example, with a sorry accent or a lot on the racist side of the sea saw, if being sung, for example, with a sorry accent, or a lot on the racist side of the sea saw, if being sung with a Caribbean accent, by someone who usually has a sorry accent. Alternatively, see, ask a professional Caribbean calipso singer to sing it for you if he reads the lyrics and calls you a ****. It's probably time for a rewrite.

It's racism, it's not even perhaps it's worse for Andy. It's the fact it's an artistic abomination that is even worse. It has a catastrophic couple like this. It says, with the EU, we must be on our metal, want to change our lawn mowers and our kettles. And I read that line again and again and again this morning, Andy. And I'm not sure I've ever been happier to have left the country than after reading those words. Well, I don't, I mean, they do, they do.

And that's what the EU has been all about. I mean, it might have started under the, rather obvious cover of trying to stop Europe's slaughtering itself every 25 years in an avoidable, mechanized conflict. But it was all really about making us get confused between lawnmowers and kettles, which was a nation. One of our greatest traits is that we're very good at tea and very good at gardening. And Europe presented that and wanted us basically to m mo our tea leaves and boil our lawns.

So thank you. Thank God for people who speak the truth to power like Mike Reed. John Reed defended himself by saying, I do not have a racist bone in my body, but bones tend not to be the major problem with racists, brains and larynxes, traditionally, more of an issue. In other UKIP news, the party have announced that if they win next year's general election, they will use Britain's as-yet-un-touch nuclear deterrent to blast cracks into the Earth's crust, up the whole length of the English Channel and the North Sea, to leave the UK on its own personal tectonic plate, finally embracing our destiny as not part of Europe. And as an extra bonus, bugle treats this week. Recently it was the 300th episode of Answer Me This,

a podcast featuring Oli Mann to who I am not related in any way and Helen Zoltzmann to who I am completely related in a very much brother to sister relationship. And they, in their 300th episode, they had interviews with various global mega celebrities such as myself and expats such as John. And this is what John and I recorded for their 300th episode. Hello, Answer Me This listeners. I am Andy Zoltzmann, the elder brother of Helen Zoltzmann, who you may know from the show Answer Me This. With me, from StateSide, is Mr. John Oliver. Hello, John. Yes. Hello, Andy. Hello, Helen. Hello. What do they call their listers Andy?

I don't answer me this does. I don't know. Answer me this does. Answer me this does. Answer me this does. We have a few answers for you from the questions you've said in Brian from Windsor. Wrote Andy Stroke-John, Answer Me This. Why in football is a nutmeg called a nutmeg? Ah, that is, well that's a genuinely interesting question, Andy. And the answer is, of course, that the smell of shame has a nutmeg hue to it. Oh really?

And when the ball is placed through your legs, you're humiliated and you will, from your glands, the spirit behind your ears, you will excrete a spice, a shamey spice, which, yeah, the nose naturally identifies as nutmeg. There is a cinnamon hue to it, but nutmeg is the dominating characteristic. Also, there's another link in that

footballers who are particularly good at nutmegs, like nutmeg itself historically, are ridiculously overvalued and traded around the world. Charlotte asks, different recipes call for garlic to be chopped, other say to crush it, or to slice it thinly. Andy Stroke-John, answer me this. Does this make any difference to the flavour? No, you just want to throw the whole thing in and hope for the best. Really? Just the whole heads of God. I say you want to crush it, but you don't

want to crush it physically. You want to crush the garlic spiritually because then it sweats out, it's despair and the taste of a despairing garlic is I think 18% more tasty than the taste of an optimistic piece of garlic. So I'd say, crush it. That's why French food is so garlicy. It's managed to imbue it with a sense of on-weat. That's right. It's all those arty films with no real ending. LAUGHTER

This one came from Calum. I've recently entered into a long-term relationship. Do you have any tips for making a long-term relationship work? Well, I would say, Andy Andy that it's not a great sign that he is skyping questions for podcasts about this. Well, don't, that is if you have questions they should be for a trained professional. This is not the way asking Andy and I this is basically pronouncing your current relationship dead. Well, I mean, I mean, I'm quite a good person to ask because I've just celebrated my 10th wedding anniversary to Helen's Alzheimer's sister-in-law coincidentally.

And I would say the secret of our relationship is my wife being superior to me at almost everything that we do together. Just the knowledge that I am batting way above average, I think that's absolutely key. And don't tell her that, otherwise you might start to ask some questions that have no real answer. Also, you know, our own working relationship, John, we've been working together on and off what's about almost 15 years, probably 14, 13, 14 years now. You've got to. Oh my God. Since my first enemy show, 2001, so I see a 13,

13 and a bit of years ago, it's when we first started doing stuff on to, and so I guess the key to a long lasting relationship is for one of the people in it to relocate to a different continent after about five years. That's right. Yeah, that's clearly the absolute key. That really puts the spice in the relationship.

And to basically maintain that relationship through only audio means and only actually say to the fact that once a year. It's a good advice. It's a very good advice, very good advice. And this is from Jenny from Up North. We've been invited to a christening for what we thought was a nine-month-old child. Today on Checking the Child's Age, we were told that the christening wasn't just for the baby, but also for its three other siblings aged from nine months to 11 years in total.

So four children, John and he answered me this, what do we buy for a christening of four children we don't really know, especially with such an age gap, I do the youngest and the oldest. We only really know the oldest child, can we just buy for her, or should our mere presence be enough of a gift? So, I mean, I know. Well, I think absolutely, for a four-child christening, that is objectively ridiculous, unless I would at the very least hope they do them all at once. That's just a quadruple dunk.

That's how synchronized swimming began, wasn't it? It was mass christening. Gigantic fun. Or just line them up, put the holy water in a bucket and just smash it across them like the ice bucket challenge. I prefer to think of it as like a power hose. Like kind of a... Yeah. I would say to an event as ridiculous as that,

especially against you don't know, turn up with a fucking bow on yourself. So take this bow off me. They'll take the bow off and just scream in their face, you're fucking welcome. Where do I sit and where's the buffet? Ha ha ha. I guess you don't really need to give them anything because what they're getting out of it is a lifetime of fear of the Lord. You're welcome, where do I sit and where's the buffet? LAUGHTER I guess you don't really need to give them anything, because what they're getting out of it is a lifetime of fear of the Lord.

So, what more do they need? That's right. Could they possibly need? And finally, this one, be particularly absent for you, John. This is from Phil in Trilky. Answer me this, why is the toilet called a restroom in America? The toilet is the last place that I would consider taking a power nap. Well, that's because you don't belong here, Phil.

That's right. If you have to ask that question, you'll never understand the answer. It's the perfect place for a nap, Andy. For that, particularly New York, for... New York, the city that never sleeps. Not true it's people don't see it sleeping because everyone sleeps on the John clearly. Exactly.

Bugal anniversary section and well we had a week off last week and sadly that meant that we missed missed the official seventh birthday of the bugle. Seven years of pure unadulterated fact blasted into the world's grateful face. Can you believe it, John? Seven years. 70% of a decade, Andy. That is a chilling, chilling thought. So, amazing to think how the world has changed in those seven years. I mean, you think seven years ago the internet was still a pipe dream in Tim Berners-Lee's pipe and he was still trying

to like that pipe and smoke the hallucinatorate rate tobacco of progress. And the first issues of the bugle, of course, were broadcast via a network of yogate pots connected by totally pulled string across the Atlantic. And every year on our anniversary, Dara Bernacanel made from the wax cylinders we recorded that historic first episode on. Who'd have thought, given Nurtion, that our longest running previous show had lasted 14 episodes, spread almost imperceptibly across three years of late night radio scheduling,

that we would have done a show that has now lasted nearly 500 years, sorry, almost half a millennium, sorry, almost half of this millennium so far. Seven years ago, Barraka Barmore was still a humble small town lawyer dealing with cases about who owned a hedge and whether a dog barking on Saturday constitutes anti-Semitism. Dreamy of one-day struggling to marry the infinite complexities of global politics with the dundahedded binary dick dangling of the US political scene. Seven years ago, Berlin was still divided in two.

By the wall a very long physical metaphor Australia was just a theoretical landmass that people thought might or might not exist. Bob Dylan had just won Corrister of the Year for the 12th consecutive year and Sex was a legal and 85% of the known world. And above all Colonel Gaddafi was still Libya's undisputable number one although on the day of the very first people he did write in his diary, I do hope that's if ever one day I'm filmed being aggressively manhandled to death. After hiding inside a sewage pipe, in a not even slightly heroic last stand, I do have the decency to think, yeah, I probably did have this coming. But some things of course never changed despite the passage of time the sun still rises

most mornings and gets pissed and falls over most evenings. Lions are still risking their own lives with an unhealthy, meat-only diet. God is still looking on with a rider, tax smile about how we wound up, he seems to have made some people. And you can still buy tickets for my shows on the door of not very big art centers, even all this time on New Greenham Arts Center,

specifically this Friday. You will be able to buy quite a lot of tickets on the door and canterbury on Saturday then they're not even glee Durham Gala and Staffordshire Gate House Thursday Friday Saturday next week details at satarisforhier.com which is quite a long-winded way of getting in a plug for my forthcoming shows thanks to all bugleers who've been to the shows so far, they've been a hoot for me and hopefully at least a partial hoot for you. Your emails now and we have an email here from Fabio Réale with the subject line Germany 7 Brazil 1. Germany 7 Brazil 1. Hello John Andy and Chris, in order of whose name I heard first. My name is Fabio Riali, I'm from Brazil. I'm a fan, but not a huge one, as I'm only 170 centimeters tall.

In Pugel, 275, you carefully accused our President Dilma Rousseff of being at least partly responsible for this hilarious result, again referring to, of course, when Germany humiliated Brazil 7-1. Well, the game was held in Bello Horizonte in the province of Neves, the other candidate who is Senator and former governor of said province. And that means he is as much responsible for that result as our president. You need to get your facts right, and our reality here in Brazil

is that no matter the winner, Brazilian football is utterly screwed. Keep up the good work, Fafio Réali. Those, I mean, he definitely is plausibly Brazilian, Andy, in that he's furious about certainly that joke, but even more the fact underpinning that joke. LAUGHTER Yes, and sadly, even as the fury with the joke will dissipate the facts underpinning the joke, I'm afraid he's there for all eternity, Brazil. It is very hard to see where he goes on nation from here.

Also, I had a number of emails and tweets in response to my suggestion that there might be a computer game developed in which you play the role of the Ebola virus. And apparently that game basically already existed. Pandemic is free to play online in Forms Rebecca Johnson and basically you are a virus stroke parasite stroke bacteria with a goal to kill everyone on the planet. Now I mean that to me doesn't seem like the most productive use of gaming technology, John. I mean it's hard to see how civilization can really look itself in the face and say, I've done as well as I could with what I've killed. That is it for Bugal 276. We will hopefully be back next week with another full Bugal. I realised I did promise you some excerpts from Satyrs for hire but unfortunately

it turned out that editing sound together whilst sitting on trains between gigs and trying to write jokes would not entirely mutually compatible activities. So, but we will have something for you next week. Do keep your emails coming into info at thebugelpodcast.com, keep your satire requests coming into satirize this at satiristforhire.com. I will be doing some specific bugle satire recorded that shows over the next couple of weeks, for putting out out an impending bugle. And don't forget to check out our SoundCloud page, SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen bugle.

In the meantime, best of luck to Mike Reed for getting to the top of the tea charts with his UKIP calypso. I think it would probably be probably the high point in British cultural history. Until next time, buglers, goodbye. Bye! you