The Bugle - Bugle 278 – SpaceCats: The Search For Merch

Episode Date: November 14, 2014

Space Exploration! Rihanna! Vintage BBC Recordings! All words that are connected to this podcast in some way. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. The Bugle, audio newspaper for a visual world. Hello, you glows and welcome to issue 278 of the BUGL. BUGL, it is BU, bullshit, it is you, unbelievable in the literal sense, especially coming from

two men with a combined age of nearly 80. It is G, good for filling in the old half-hour between Noun of Livy and it is L, largely pointless, it is EEEEEEEE is easily the best and only audio newspaper for a visual world coming in this eighth year of audio publication. BUG LA, there you go. Bit of disco, get the start of this week, everyone. This, of course, being the historic 2000th anniversary

of the invention of disco music. Of course, Latin word meaning, I learn, and the ancient Romans discovered that children absorbed 327% more information Sorry, and of course the ancient Romans discovered that children absorbed Coincidentally 278% more information was bub bugey which is the number of this of this bugle Boogey of course is also a Latin word meaning to be carried away by an unquenchable groove. I am Zaltor the Merciless, Slayer of the Dead.

Someone's going to do it in London and John and Meetham the city that does sometimes sleep. But if it is ever caught, snoozing it, just claims it was resting in size for a couple of minutes. New York, it's the satirical sausage maker, mashing up the entrails of news, chucking in his secret blend of spice and making it at least digestible. It's John Oliver. Hello Andy, hello, Buglers. I am tired. I'm very tired. I've had a hectic week, Andy. My show finished its season on Sunday and we went out with a bang or more accurately with a slap because I'll find our shock feature of Montage of People having fish finder their faces from a salmon cannon. And I cannot encourage everyone

enough to go and look at it online because it is objectively very funny. Obviously comedy is subjective, Andy, but I'll tell you what's not subjective. And that's how funny it is to see a human being have a fake fish smash them straight in the chops. That is scientifically funny. If you don't laugh at that, there is something wrong with you that's nothing to do with the fish cannon. And then why a fake fish, John? Why don't you use real fish?

Because we had to... That was a discussion. Right. So, yeah, don't think that was not a discussion, but we had to... Some of the fish slaps were international. Oh, I see, Ross. So, yeah, we couldn't really send a live salmon in a tank. That was a level of logistics that just seemed even more responsible than the whole process

already was. And then this week, I had to go down to DC on Veterans Day to introduce a band in front of hundreds of thousands of people and a gigantic concert on the mall. The concert feature the likes Andy off Metallica, Bruce Springsteen, Dave Grohl, Eminem, John Oliver and Brianna. Now, you do not have to be watching Sesame Street to know that one of those kids is not like the others and the one of those kids is doing their own thing. And it is, it's frankly, it's not often that you get me and Rihanna in the same place. Oliver and Rihie are usually kept apart. And I will say, she's an amazing singer, Andy.

So much, I think I'm a Rihanna fan now. Really? I didn't see that coming. Right. Yeah, she's also, I think, I think she's the most beautiful person I've ever seen. More beautiful than George Clooney, because you were quite smitten with him, wasn't you? Sometimes I'm going to be a little bit different. Yeah, it's a different kind of beauty.

Right. Because George Clooney's like a fine oak tree, where you think, oh, it's old, but it's, it's, it has a majesty to it. All right. Reality, just think, with everyone look like Rihanna, no one would have a problem with anything. She's quite a crickety fan fan as well, isn't she? She is. She's a cricket fan, so you'd like her as well, actually. She's amazing. I've tried music. She's amazing.

She's a great, like a diamond. I believe I think I like that. She's a great, like a diamond. Weee. I'm beautiful, like a diamond in the sky. She's. Shane Blake like a diamond. Wee. I'm beautiful like a diamond in the sky. Shane Blake like a diamond. LAUGHTER Very pretty lady.

Thankfully, I just had to do a quick introduction to the Black Keys before doing exactly what the audience deeply wanted me to do, which is get off the stage. That I could do. Right. Um, I by coincidence was entertaining 35 people in an arts centre in Corsium near Chippenham just off the old floor. Oh, I think I was entertaining about 35 people. It was in front of about 400,000.

It was a lovely gig, the Corsium gig. But it did not feature Rihanna, who was cancelled the previous day. She's a good singer. I'm a Rihanna fan. I think I'm a Rihanna fan. Right, I didn't start the week that way. No, what you've changed, John. Yeah. So, I think I'm a Rihanna fan.

This is a just shocking confession. I think it's the most confessional you've ever been in seven years or two. I think I like Rihanna. I don't think I'm a Rihanna fan. Right, I think I like Rihanna. I'm really growing back and it's like it's trying to deny itself now. The past in his rendition there though, says otherwise, you know. Right. Like a daemon. Yeah.

It's got very catchy. We have a, we're doing that all the way. Oh, right. Like a daemon. Oh, uh, uh, uh, producer Rich is, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, are, I couldn't really comment. I can tell the difference when John's performing there. Yeah. Who would win in a fight? It looked like a proper physical fight between her and Vera Lynn, that's gone, and who is willing to stage that fight before it's too much? Vera Lynn was a dirty fighter.

Yeah, I think through the window with a basic code. Vera Lynn was kind of pick up a bar stool and smash it across someone's back. Or just, you know, hit someone in the back of the head while they're not looking. She was a dirty fighter. Right. And it's a reannaurator. For a fan of yours, don't you know?

For a fan of yours, don't you know? That's one or no. It's a re re re a bugle, listen up to one or no. You should have given us some magic. It's hard to tell. Either she had no idea who it was, Andy, or was so intimidated by meeting a bubulous, she just couldn't bring herself to speak to me.

Or it might have something to do with the fact that I was staring at her, like you would stare at Michael Angelo's, David. That's... Right. That's it. That is a beautiful bonus. That's what it was. A beautifully sculpted penis, Madam. Congratulations.

So this is the Bugle 278 for the week ending Friday, the 14th of November. We are recording on the 14th of November. Many of it is at 92 years to the day since the BBC began its radio service in the UK and we have an exclusive extract from that very first day of broadcasting history. Which should be enough to divert any unwanted female attention at a picnic. That was episode one of a man's guide to screaming. Later on at five o'clock it will be the big fat discussion show with Sir Redfern Scrained. This week's topics include Cana Manone, Too Many Hats. Is it dangerous to smoke less than 60 cigarettes a day and our wives human.

And then at 6.30 it's another episode of the Now Show. But first with a general election looming tomorrow it's time for a special addition of guess whose cough with your host Dr. Grenville Wombley. Hello, do I just talk into this? Is anybody that nobody is talking back? Hello? This is cough number one. Was that Prime Minister David Lloyd George, the Foreign Secretary, the Mark West of

Curson, was it the Secretary of State for Warsaw when Laming, Weavington Evans, or was it a footballer, Arthur Grimmstahl of Tottenham, Hotsperts and England? Let us hear the cough again. It doesn't sound too good. Travers down, I'd better feel the jumble chunks just to be on the safe side. Go and then pump them down. 92 years ago today it was broadcast. Things haven't changed too much at the BBC. And of course at is 25 years since a momentous event that truly shaped the modern world in

November 1989, a day that marked a new era of human history a day remembered by millions as a significant milestone in a nation's history, but also landmark for the entire world. Not the Berlin wall coming down, that's overrated. It was cricket a such in Tendorkas, first test match for India aged 16. And I do believe that is viewed in India as a significantly more important moment than the collapse of communism. Incidentally, within just a month of Tendorkas debut in 1989, there have been three major resignations from the Czechoslovakian government. So it just goes to show what influence the young man had even then. This is Bugle 278, the same number of Bugles.

John, as there are awkward pauses in the average conversation between God and 19th century German philosophy champion, Frederick Nietzsche. Oh, hello, what are you doing here? I might very well ask the same thing of you. Yep, yep, I wasn't expecting to see you here. No, same. You are a real piece of work, you too. And also the average number of microseconds

between someone hearing that FIFA has cleared itself of corruption and that person saying, yeah, of course they f***ing have. It was all fine, John. Turned out it was all fine. All that s*** you gave them was for nothing, John. They were clean as a nut. Clean as a nut. Clean as a nut, Rich. Yes, clean as a nut. It's in the official report. Not remotely clean, but the nut thinks it is. It's not remotely clean, but the nut thinks it is. then this week was an absolute doozy for you. Why? Because a flying f***ing robot landed on a flying f***ing comet. That's why Andy. And it's hard to even begin to describe how hard this was to do. The comet was flying through space at around 40,000 miles an hour,

and yet scientists seemed completely confident of everything working out in terms of landing a module on that flying comet How confident well one of the scientists involved Matt Taylor was so sure beforehand that the mission was going to be a success He got a huge tattoo on his upper thigh of the probe landing on the comet I don't know if it's misplace confidence. I don't know, you can't be misplace confidence when it's inked on your leg. Right, you sure that's the fact that it is right. Sure, I definitely had tattoo. That wasn't just a picture of him with his trousers down. I mean, because I mean, somethings could look like, I mean, that comment from certain angles

did look slightly like a pair of testicles. That's true. That's fair. I mean, I'll probe, I'll probe is a probe, John. That's not, you know, that's not been about the Bush. Anyway, but you've all stand. One of the first mysteries the landing probe would attempt to uncover would be what the surface of the comet would be like and Matt Taylor himself, Captain Thightatt, said that it could potentially have the consistency of, and I quote, cat litter.

And that would be a long way to go for a cat litter comet, Andy, because if there is even a remote possibility that that is the textural case, then that isn't a job for a flying robot, Andy. That is a job for a space cat. What the European Space Agency clearly should have done is get an elite team of space cats together, put them in space cat suits, blast them into space, have them navigate their way to the comet, send down a lead space cat to walk on the surface of the comet, walk around in circles, find a nice spot, squat down, take a dump, kick some comet cat litter over the top of it, take a non-solid filline shrug and come back to earth.

That, Andy, is what should have happened, because if putting the American flag on the moon was mankind's greatest achievement of the last century Then enabling a space cat to take a dump on a comet is the natural extension of that Also, I mean one of the reasons they they're so interested in this comet is because they think it could provide us With closeness to the origin of our solar system and our planet. So if it does turn out that basically everything in the solar system is made of cat litter, it does suggest that God is a giant cat with digestive issues.

And I don't know how that is gonna fly with the various religious franchises around the world. I think the Egyptians were probably closest, Andy, best at the Egyptian cat goddess. I think that probably means the Egyptians were right. Terrific goddess. How can you not respect the goddess that shits? So vendors. Vendors goddess.

The mission itself was beset with problems. It's cost more than a billion euros. That seems all right, to land a robot on a comet. And it was initially due to launch back in 2003 and was aimed at a different, much smaller comet. The very catchably named 46p, Vertanon. But there was a technical fault which meant the mission was delayed and later refocused on the larger and even catchy name 67P Churimof Gerasomenenko. It's pretty catchy, isn't it? Yeah, 67P to its hurtling rock friends.

I call it Churigeras, prefer that. Yeah, that's used to Soviet names. It's a fascinating comet, John, from some angles. It looks a bit like the actor James Cromwell, whereas from others it looks like a potato or a depressed porpoise or a 1920s penguin in the ladies' hat or a worms nutsack or a large bit of rock, any of which it could well be. So there was much excitement when it landed massive touchdown, six pointer for the European Space Agency. And, well, I mean, it does turn out that it was a big bit

of rock floating through space. I mean, is it worth flying four billion miles to make sure it is definitely a big rock rather than something else like a very angry like of the Cosmodog, who by now would be very, very cranky. Or even Hitler. When, what if it had been a floating Hitler? You would not put it past that.

Or the giant Battenberg cake that escaped from the Earth's gravitational pull after being inadvertently fired out of a cannon during the coronation of Queen Victoria in 1838 whilst the new queen chomped down disappointedly on a cannonball. But there were some problems when it landed because it bounced twice, initially about one

kilometer back out into space. Wow. And before landing a kilometer from its intended landing site, it sent its first message back sent by the Phili lander was, I'm using this rocky f*** like a trampoline, folks. So I believe it was the swearingest message I've ever sent from space. So... I prefer that to any of Armstrong's first words. Well, he's first broadcarts words, anyway.

No, those are his first words as well. It was, they said, the scientists said that the Rosetta, the spacecraft, that sent it up there was going to try to attempt some of the most profound questions in humanity, such as what was the origin of life on earth, as well as some slightly less profound questions, such as, why does the comet have a distinctive rubber duck shape? Answer the second one first. Well, the two, I was just discussing with the cat litter.

Those two could be linked to each other. It's not profound about that. What's not profound about that question? Why is a rock like a rubber duck? I don't know. The Lord's bathes in mysterious ways with rubber ducks. What is a comet if it is not God's loofer? Scrabbing hard skin off his feet. But the problem is the lander feel like I've got a bit over excited trying to celebrate

through backflip and collapse in the heap in the shadow of a cliff and cannot now get enough sunlight to charge its solar-powered battery. And this is bad news, John, because it basically proves that alternative energy doesn't work. And if it doesn't work on something as small as a comet, how is it going to work on a fully fledged planet like Earth? If only the European Space Agency had not caved into the green lobby and instead just given

it some drilling equipment so it could hammer down into the comet to extract some oil it would have all been fine but they had to go, they had to pan the lefties John and the hippies and it's all gone terribly wrong. There was some controversy coming over a sound that was coming from the comet. They sent back a sound file from 67P and it sounds like like, they said it sounds like that Rosetta is singing. Listen to this, this is the sound that's got people talking. That is the sound of what's happening on the comet.

And you know, some people on social media suggested that could be, and it's amazing. You know, it's technically amazing to hear it. Some people suggested it could even be an alien singing into Rosetta. If that's true Andy, aliens can't sing. Because I get not to like a point, but I heard Rihanna sing this week, she's better.

Well, I mean, it's just a bit of on guard, John, isn't it? You know, I guess. Well, I guess that's it, yeah. I'll be ahead of my time. But wouldn't you've been out there for so long as 67P as you're bound to get a bit weird and self-indulgent? It's basically like 1970s German electronics mixed with dub, dub, trip, plot, anti-funk gringe for me.

And luckily, that's actually pitched up. It's way below the threshold of human hearing. I suggest that the comment has... It's slightly ashamed of its musical tastes. Also, coincidentally, that is the mating call of the terror dactyl and if you slow it down in Morse code and translate it into German, it's also the opening paragraph of Das Kapital. So there we go.

That's an idea. There's been some interesting international reaction in Italy, the business daily paper, it was sold at 24.org, echoed the head of the Italian spade system. 24, 24. 24. 24. It wasn't what that invented quite wrong. It's that very good. That sounds about right, isn't it? Yeah. That was a quick swing.

I don't really think much about that. That might be wrong. It echoed the head of the Italian space agency who said, a small leap for a robot, a joint stroye for humankind. That's just terrible. And even, I don't know, you said, a small leap for a robot, a giant straw for humankind. That's just terrible. And even, I don't know, there might be losing a bit in translation, but even a thing Armstrong's words,

that's just awful. Come on Italy, that's so terrible. And a Ukrainian paper laid claim to P67 referring to it as a Ukrainian comet. And that is a pretty quick way to guarantee that Russia suddenly wants that comet, aren't they? Well, I mean, the problems with this landing was caused by the fact that it's Harpoons. It had these Harpoons, I suppose, a jab into the surface of the comet. Japanese designed Harpoons, I believe.

And I might as well get the experts. But they didn't work and we have exclusive footage of the life commentary from the Mission Control in Domstadt in Germany. This is the country from the German 24 hour space channel. Veltau Marama, Tvansik Fuhr. 20 für. Ja, ja, Klaus Schnitzge, der kleine Spaziengekraft, ist er auf dem Gelandern hinter der kommetten Geröck. Ja, ein Jahr, der vertremmen Rakettensnitz, unter den Landen Potschteids, wohnt er die

steidsgelklesden Geröck, pümm, vr.l, Tinkl, Tinkl und den Seinjahren geladen, das Rackete in den Kometern, gekutlich geschnüglich. Guten Schlaf, Klaus, Deutschland, eins, Spazien, Null, Deutschland, super, Weltraum, Scheiss! Heinz, er ist eine Mitzion der Europian-Spazien-Agenzier. Er ist nur unlichter deutschen Rackwreckungsschlaf. Nein, Claus, er ist Deutscher! Deutscher, wo sind...

Wir sind in Deutschland, Deutschland, Deutschland! Babben Sie dein Scheiß, kommet! Babben Sie dein Aufruhen des Deutschland! Ja, Heinz, es ist wichtig, im Portanz Astronomach genatten, gesploit, auf dem kapuen gepronkt, sofort die Kommettenschnitts. Ja, ja, ja, ja, glaub, Schrodinger, Miao, Miao, Schnüggling, das Spielenkilometrer, das Tanz in der Deutschland,

Magnificenz in Deutschland, aber ein Neil Armstrong auf F*** himself und Geh, Basalt drin auf, aber F**k himself und Michael Collins auf auf dem F**k himself und Armstrong und F**k Aldrin und F**k Apollo 11, Neubeland und Simplesnitz in der Lüne Münstein geflippt und 1969.

Ok, schneiße, heins, kommen Sie dahin, auch, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no the Deutsche Harpunds, Scheitsdengers, Schlurskis, Schlockensnitz. And there's been some controversy over how much this comic mission has cost. And who knows what mysteries it will uncover. I would say that a billion pounds is cheap at the price for the last two minutes we just enjoyed. Oh, thanks, Sean. Oh thanks, you're welcome.

Well I was exclusive coverage. I did have to pay quite a big money to get that exclusive coverage from German TV but glad you thought it was. It is a sonorous language. Bit of information on the rocket. It was launched in 2004 the spaceship Rosetta and landing module Phili, named respectively after Rosetta Camini, the former character from the Australian soap opera neighbours. The series region of course include on the UNESCO world heritage list of being of outstanding cultural importance to the common heritage of humanity. Not before time should have been on there since the mid 90s. Well Phili of course, for finishing the mission of the little landing module, named after the former Italian footballer, Philip O'Inzaghi, famous, of course, for

doing absolutely jack shit for most of the match and then getting on the end of a tap in and taking all the glory. So, the most appropriate thing for the land module. And then, you could then falling over very easily. A few questions of a ride. One, how can we monetize the comet? I mean, that's really, we've invested a billion in this comet. We want some return. Two, could the entire population of the world live on a comet? This was thinking about before we get carried away

to on a save the planet Earth. Three, most importantly, could FIFA hold a world cup on comet P67P, John? I mean, would it make any less sense than holding it in f***ing Qatar? No, no, it would make more sense than that. It all does depend on whether the comic contains an absolute mummy load of oil and or cash. But I think it's logistically possible, John. that's got this comet has more footballing herities than Qatar. And Ford, do we actually need comets, John, because what the f*** do they do? I mean, it's very well sending this. What the f*** do these things do? Apart from tell us when massively influential events are about to happen, birth of Christ, 4TB, Comet, Norman Conquest, 4TB, and in the case of 67P, the appearance of a comment on our TV screen was a harbinger that a space probe was about to land on a comment.

Bugle feature section now and it's new merch time! Well, John, what a time of year it is. The now traditional launch of the new Bugle Merch slightly too late to get any benefit from the Christmas market. Particularly some of these items are on actually be shipped for a couple of weeks. But the point is they are live on the website. And the first item out of the metaphorical Merch canon this year is the thing everyone has been waiting for. One of the greatest step changes in the history of bodywear. It just makes every other government ever made seem like a humble stepping stone towards the ultimate apotheosis of all clothing. It

is the bugle Christmas jumper. John, this, I mean, I've seen you pick this. It sounds like a joke. Yeah, it sounds like a joke, Andy, doesn't it? It does. But, yeah. Here's the thing we have actually made a Christopher. And I'm currently wearing the Christmas jumper. Rich, you can see the Christmas jumper in the flesh. It's beautiful, beautiful thing. Yeah. Well done. You said that with just enough conviction in your voice. I'm trying not to look at you. You can't want to sound it Right now. Right.

I guess in America, I should translate that. It's kind of a holiday sweater. Christmas jumper. Is it a holiday sweater, Christmas jumper, potato potato? Well, what it is, is it's visually busy, isn't it? It's arresting. There's enough going on. And let me describe it to you,

because it has two complementary sleeves that come attached to the jumper at no extra cost. The whole thing is made of pure material of some sort. And this hyper trendy torso covering really puts the floor into form and the funk into function. It's decorated with a post-modernist, pre-post-technological, quasi-figurative rendering of some snow drops.

Plus, the bugle logo seasonally pimped out to include a Christmas hat on the Ande and some antlers on the John. Which I believe was an old Willie Nelson song, wasn't it, antlers on the John? But I believe so, yeah. Also includes some dots and waggly lines just to add to the feeling of this jumper

Unmustachably can commemorates the birth of the turn of the First Men in Middle East based magician and rack onto Jesus H Christ. I mean it really... Now would this... Yeah. Would this jumper and be flammable? Would this be a flammable jumper? I don't. I mean I've not fully tested out.

There's no way to know until you buy one. No, there's no way to know. But let's first hear some testimony from, uh, obviously made up people who have worn the Bugle Christmas jumper. I used to fear Christmas, never knowing what presents to buy for my family, friends and enemies. But now, with the Bugle Christmas jumper, I can just buy the same thing for all of them.

It's both good and awful. Hello, I'm the Art Bishop of Nantwich. Christmas is a time for genuine fleeting before whatever Lord you hold dear and thanking him for inventing reindeer. And your present sacrifices will hit home 50% more directly with your chosen deity, if you say, and or slay them whilst wearing a bugle Christmas jumper. It is everything Jesus would have wanted as a baby, warm, quite orange and suitable for use on farmland.

It makes me wonder why I spent £5,000 on a wedding dress. When I could have bought, just bought a bugle Christmas jumper for a fraction of the price, albeit a larger fraction than you would think imaginable. And had many more people remember exactly what I was wearing on my special special day. 0% bulletproof do not wear during natureism subject to normal gravity wearing during a job interview and or co-case may reduce your chances of employment and or exoneration by 2% wireless does not fit dogs.

Do not put it on a dog, no matter how tempting and it will be tempting. Do not succumb to that temptation. Suitable for mountaineering only in conjunction with, at least, a woolly hat and some underpants preferably more. Do not use as a parachute unless all other options have been attempted. Make all's puns. Suitable for pokes and rabbis, with appropriately accompanying headgear available separately from other outlets.

Where in the Beagle Christmas Jumper constitutes a full scope, unrotractable acceptance with the divine truth of all cheerleaders in the scripture. Suitable for user meal times, but try not to smear mayonnaise or creamy sauces all over it, as worn by Perry Cuomo in the 1956 MTV video of number one single, Hot Diggity. Make confused Nazis, acceptable or most golf courses, especially if worn with a slightly massage in this angle. Floats on lead, sinks in air, may function as partial immortality cloak, but suit 99% of all South Americans between the ages of 0 and 120, desperately seeking love.

May burn on contact with the interior of a furnace. Not guaranteed to resurrect the dead, but give it a go to no loose situation. You can either get your love on back or you can get a corpse looking mighty fly. And it's this weight loss if warning conjuncts with a hunger strike. Not advice for you,

is joined police identity parades. Probably older or size bigger than you think you need. LAUGHTER So, there it is. Always good to get this more print. And these Christmas jumpers will be available for dispatch from the online store the week commencing the 8th of December. So you might get it in time for Christmas. You might, you probably will. Not absolutely guaranteed. But yeah.

If you're looking to have a really honest way to waste your money. LAUGHTER This is... And we have an over-underga. I think I'm not sure we're going to sell ten of these things. Right. But even if we sell three Andy, I still think it was worth making them. Just for the object. Yeah.

Maybe you could just look. I'd say work of it. It's something. It's something. It's a work of art. How do you think Rihanna would look in a bugle Christmas jumper, John? Amazing. Absolutely amazing. And if they'd been available before, I would have presented her with one. That is all the testimony I need. Yep.

We have other additions to the merch range. Two new additions to the catalog of the world's biggest grossing shorts leave buttonless upper body covering franchise, the T-shirt. One has a new circular design in the bugle logo and a slogan that looks so trendy, you'll probably be asked to model some perfume. The other has little bugle logos, literally all over it, so that if you're ever caught wondering what is on your T-shirt, you can look anywhere on your T-shirt rather than just on the front, and all your concerns will be instantly asswaged. They are available for dispatch from the 19th, stroke 24th of November, I've got ridden here,

I'm not sure which is which. You can also get the new circular bugle emblem on a mug and a scientist have recently confirmed coffee quaffed from a bugle mug, makes you up to 8,000% more alert than coffee drunk from a sieve. Furthermore, tea, yep, that's a fact, tea consumed from a bugle mug helps stop world wars breaking out. Zero world war since the first bugle mug first appeared. Furthermore, Tick, that's a fact. Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and T and T and Tick and Tick and Tick and T and Tick and T and Tick and T and Tick and Tick and T and Tick and T and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and Tick and T and T and T and Tick and Minister Spencer Percival who loved hot chocolate. That mug is available from Monday,

and those you can't be asked to wear jumper's or T-shirts and think hot drinks are an admission of defeat in life. Then you might be interested in the all new bugle pin badge. It really is absolutely f***ing awesome this pin badge, John, albeit that I've not actually seen one yet, because they've not said me a sample.

As pin badges with a logo of a podcast on them go, this really is right up there. You can probably also use it for some amateur entomology, if you happen to inherit a large collection of unmounted dead insects from a weird relative. Or you could probably skewer a fair few arachnids and crustaceans with it too. But that's not my sphere of expertise. So probably just best to stick the pin badge in a jacket or on a bag or in your child's raincoat in case you lose it. Because realistically these also are not going to sell many units. So if you do put it on your kid and someone finds a kid with a bugle pin badge on, it is probably your kid. So I'm quite useful. Kid's reclamation tool from that point of view. Also, do you like the feeling of locking something? Maybe you enjoy going to work school or jail or on holiday without having to worry about whether or not someone could just walk straight into your unlocked house

and still everything you own, leaving a trail of destruction for which you never quite psychologically recover. Then if you do, you probably use keys. Now keys. Oh, God, I love keys. I've got me there also, I love keys, Andy. Absolutely awesome when it comes to keeping a shut.

Oh, God, I love them. They're amazing. But the flip side of the cage on, unless you look after them, you can so easily have them fall out of your pocket and down a sinkhole. So they're gone forever. So why not solve all your problems

instantimatically with the bugle-keying suitable? That's incredible idea. Suitable for most non-medieval and non-custodial keys. The bugle-keying is already renowned as the biggest advanced in domestic security since the invention of the dog does not come with keys, provide your own f**king keys. And finally it is suitable for you to be in conjunction with a guard dog, but it's not a direct replacement for the guard dog.

And finally, is there someone in your life you feel slightly obliged to give a present to a Christmas? But can't quite remember what they like, what kind of person or gender they are, other than the fact that they sometimes wear cuffed shirts and hate the concept of buttons. Then when I invest in a pair of bugle cufflinks. Cufflinks, John. The bugle cufflinks are a gift that says, this is a long shirt. LAUGHTER I believe our seven years of broadcasting this, this, uh,

audio news. I've been building up shirts that require cufflinks. I do. John, at least, this is a good, do you really? I got married in the ship. They needed cufflinks. Yeah, that's true.

So you're right. If you get married, you might use, you might use my, that said, my marriage is, my marriage is still going strong after 10 years. I didn't have bugle cufflinks. So I guess the bugle cufflinks are poor divorce. I mean, that's the science of that. But anyway, I mean, they're terrific things, albeit they also haven't seen them because

they haven't sent me a sample of that either. And they come with my face on one of the cufflinks and John's face on the other. So by two pairs, if you really hate one of us by two pairs of these cufflinks, or if you're an anti-Semitic, or disapprove of people leaving their country in search of stage time, but still want to show your allegiance to the show then you can buy two pairs for just twice the price of one pair.

And they're available. There are some stupid items, Andy. They're available for this patch from Monday the 1st of December. No, I mean, that's... That is merchandise entirely reflective of this show, Andy. And you just are mystified as to why anyone would be interested in any of them. Well, they're all there, Bughlers. They're all there. Oh, yeah, Christmas shopping in one place. Just time to plug my remaining tour dates. Thanks again to all

buglers who have come and formed what seems to approximately 98.7% of the audience at my tour shows. Thanks for your contributions to the shows. The remaining gigs, Lester Saturday the 15th at the Crumbling Cooky, Bristol Henan Chicken on the 20th of November, then folks don't show them an older shop, 27th, 28th and 29th, and Wimbledon, Ailsbury on the 3rd and 4th of December, finishing the gala closing nights at the Reading South Street Arts Centre on the 6th of December, the show with event of the Millennium so far and on the 8th of December, I'm recording a DVD at the chapter in Cardiff. So I'll see you all, I might be taking doing Saturdays of Hard, I haven't fully decided yet.

On that, it's just kind of the way I roll, which I mean, I can't think more than one week ahead. I'm also taking part in a benefit gig organised by the wonderful Mark Thomas on Sunday the 23rd of November at the Bloomsbury Theatre, raising money for the Kurdish Red Crescent to help the people who have been affected by the absolute deluge of mega-gents in the Syria Turkish border region. And to a terrific bill featuring Mark Thomas, Jeremy Hardy, Josie Long, Tim Ki and others.

So do come along, so that can help save the world. Anything you want to plug, John, or do you just want to get online and order your bugle Christmas merch? I've already spent an irrational amount of money on the jumpers. I'm going on... I'm doing some stand-up cakes, but I can't remember where.

I... I... Portland... Oh, yeah. It's a place. Yeah, that's the thing. I've got room for third time. I'm going, I'm going, but I similarly, I can't know. I, I, Portland is a place. Yeah, that's the fun. I got it. I'm going, I'm going, but I similarly, I can't think ahead. Yeah.

I'm leaving next week to go, oh, to go, I can't remember. I might be coming to you. I don't, I don't know though. Well, we will be back with the, the Bugle, next week, Bugle 279, and then I think we've got a week off for America to get down on its an A's and give thanks for whatever it wants to give thanks for, and then we'll be back through December. Until next week, Bugleers, keep your emails coming into info at thebuglepodcast.com, check out our SoundCloud page, SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen Bugle, and all the merch is now available via the Bugle website, the Bugle Podcast.com.

No further questions. Goodbye. That is... Bye!