The Bugle - Bugle 281 – One star review

Episode Date: December 12, 2014

Andy and John discuss the latest on the CIA and their 'aggressive quizzing'. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dancelaguard fans, you will be thrilled to know a book is coming out if you fund it via Unbound. We are publishing the Dancelaguard Reader by Alice Fraser and Dancelaguard, a glorious insight into the world of Dancelaguard, self-published romance maven, and online bestseller. If you would like to find out how to support it, go to thebugelpodcast.com. If we get enough support, we will publish the book. That's a real thing that's going to happen. Thebugelpodcast.com to support the Danciler Guard Reader. Hi, I'm Rowling. Hello, T-Bug.

Your ready for tea. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A Welcome to issue 281 of the bugle audio newspaper for this resolutely visual world with me, and exotmen, no time former with Miss World contender, there's real sexism for you, and the fact that I think the adults of the future might also have came to it against me. I am in the Christmas stricken city of London, tough tough times for Londoners who are allergic to illuminated streets at the moment, and in New, USI, it's the satirical Santa Claus who drops his prescient presence down the chimneys of Charlottons. It's John Oliver.

Hello Andy. Hello, Pughles. Well, Andy, New York here has been all a flutter this week and for good reason. Because there was fucking royalty in town. The traffic here has been terrible. It's not a biggie here, Josh. It's no biggie when we have royalty in town. Yeah, well, it's It's no biggie here, job. It's no biggie when we have real things.

Yeah, well, it's a very much a biggie here. A presumably traffic's been bad because people have been dropping to their f**king knees, Andy, whenever they even get a glimpse of something resembling a motorcade. On my end, I've been throwing every coat I've ever owned over every puddle I see in the city. Just in case Princess Kate may need to don't really walk

across a sort of coat of whom I'm kidding, Andy. Just in case Princess Kate may need to don't really walk across a sort of cult of who my kidding Andy. She never need to do that. She floats. She f**king floats. In an out of every room she's in. She hovers permanently three inches off the ground, held aloft by the adoration of the entire planet. Um, the ex-present Princess visited the city with her husband for a few days and really managed

to teach this place what being a vestigial tale of one of history's most inexplicable institutions is really all about. And what it's about Andy is attending things because they attended the shit out of things for 72 solid hours from fundraisers to garrilers to memorials to high schools to meetings with the president. Perhaps the most major attention centered on the night they attended a basketball game in Brooklyn, where they saw Lebron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers play the Brooklyn Nets, and they sat front row. And the princess, of course, is famously a gigantic basketball fan. So

it was apparently a little disappointing not to see the nicks, not because they're any good, but because she was interested in seeing the mechanics of an early version of Phil Jackson's triangle offense being run by a team seemingly resistant to his intricacies. Huge hoops to Princess Kate. Apparently she's had a basketball hoop hanging inside the front door of Buckingham Palace just so she can dunk on any visitors when they show up. She's got a tattoo of Scotty Pippin as well. Just behind her left right low. Huge one. That's right.

That's right. She has Dennis Rodman guarding John Starks on her back. Two foot tattoo. John Starks' leg runs down her right leg, I believe. They They turn to the game in the third quarter, which is a dick move. Andy, when you have to switch to get in a fucking heart, don't go walking. That's right, you're, you're a rar should be in those seats from start to finish.

But the real media history took place when they met Beyoncé and Jay-Z. It was a meeting of royalty, Andy. Except for the fact that Jay-Z and Queen Bay actually earned their titles rather than being born into them. So clearly, it doesn't count. And finally, Prince William spoke at the World Bank against the illegal international trade of wildlife, attacking those who, I quote, loot our planet to feed mankind's ignorant craving for exotic pets, trinkets, cures and ointments to arrive from the world, vanishing and irreplaceable species. The only thing about that was a no point was it completely clear whether it was attacking looters or simply describing his

ancestors. I know a little something about this crime, it's in my blood. And in most of his dinners as well, to be fair. So this is Bougal 281, 281 of course, a handy Thumbs Fingers Willys Nimonic for miles, do a weekly check, miles, beaglers, if any of those numbers have changed, do consult the doctor. And also a bit of a Christmas one this, John. 281, the number of not-so-wise men who pitched up at the birth of Jesus, along with the three actually-wise ones. 284 in total, 281 of them weren't the shoppers, lemons in the fruit bowl, but less wise presence like hacksaws, snakes, beer, novelty dancing Pharisees and silk luxury.

They were, of course, written out the Bible, understandably, top three only. Bit harsh on the fourth guide brought formula milk powder quite thoughtful, but, of course, the magic kid turned it straight into sherbet, strong early skills from the land. And we're recording week ending 12th of December, meaning on Monday, the 15th of December, it'll be six years, John, since my midwifery career, both began and ended in quite a noisy bathroom. One for one the midwife. One for one. You can't top that record. And you batting a thousand. All of a fave.

As always, a section of the bugle is going straight into the bin. I mean, yet another Christmas gift section you can't move for them in your newspapers at the moment. Oh, a section of the bin Christmas gifts for pets for your furniture, particularly, love a chair, for your long dead relatives. That's increasingly common now to bury a present for a long dead relative just as a gesture, I mean, it's all helping the economy.

Also, we give you a voucher from online speed christening. You simply have to scan your baby and email it to anglicax.dev and anglicax will print out a picture of your tot douse it in the holy water and mail it back to you in a plastic bag so it's still discernibly holy and wet when you receive it. Then simply paste the christening print onto your infants with a standard household wallpaper paste. Leave it on for a week and your kid will have been dozed up for life with the love of the Lord. So that's you're getting free and for what it is in the bin. And a Christmas audio advent calendar.

This entry is for Monday the 15th. Ah, Joseph, I think it's coming. You're not due for almost two weeks, Barry. It's coming, Joseph, he's f***ing coming. It's an it at the moment. We don't know yet, it's an it. He's coming, I can feel it. Not my kid, not my problem.

And for the 16th Your mom sent us something for the baby Mary. It better not be any more Fucking mur if another fucking bastard give this Murrow rip them off. I'm a fucking you one There you go your audio advent calendar in the bin Now in this week's bugle we had promised you the My Country Tizardic competition. This has, once again, been postponed because one particular country has made a particularly strong bid for the title this week and instead we've devoted the show to that. Top story this week, set your clocks to torture time!

Well, just seven days after Andy's horrific China was on roll. That was our own anchor album wasn't it in the late 50s? Just a week after Andy's horrific pun run about China, the world must once again wrestle with the morality of inflicting inhumane actions on people. A couple of weeks. Because after five and a half year investigation, the US Senate Intelligence Committee has released a summary of a report into the CIA interrogation program established in the wake of 9-11. The chair of the committee, Diane Feinstein, has called that period an quote, any stain at the US has tried to deal with it in a number of ways. First, they tried to cover the stain up. Then they tried to just ignore the stain and pretend it wasn't there. You know, just learn to live with the stain and hope no one who comes over, point at it

and says, Hey, what's up with that stain over there? What's the story behind that? Then they talked about removing the stain, but realised it'd be too difficult to get rid of. So instead of settling half-artedly investigating whose fault the stain was in the first place without finding any answers, despite the fact that everyone has a pretty good idea who did it. This is just a redacted 525-page summary of a full 6,000-page long report, but even the summary makes for great bedtime reading if instead of sleeping your ideal bedtime is a preparation to stare I'm blinking at the ceiling for eight solid hours, tormented by the kind of behaviour your country engaged in. And some may even be using it for that purpose because for some

inexplicable reason the Kindle version of the report is currently a best-selling book on Amazon. And I don't know what's more shocking about that, Andy. The fact that so many people see the terror report as a perfect stocking stuff or the fact that many people don't know that the report is available to download for absolutely nothing, absolutely everywhere. Because unless the paid version has some extra non-redacted features, then it's completely pointless. Just pay, pay an extra $2 to unlock where the CIA black sites were. Oh, okay. Well, it has, I mean, it's not been the most tightly guarded secrets, but I guess, you know, hearing it spelled out in 6,000 pages of gory detail is kind of rams. Of course, the traditional defence, and, you know, there is still some pretty vocal defense from the likes of Dick Cheney.

The traditional defense is, well if it wasn't for these torture techniques, then we would all be speaking al-Qaedaish by now. But I guess we'll let history be the judge of that. There's some extraordinary details. Wanda Taney, Abu Zubayda, was confined to a coffin- sized box for a total of 266 hours and then an even smaller box for a further 29 hours. Now this smaller box, John, 53 centimeters by 76 centimeters by 76 centimeters. Now, sure, a space like that in the right part of London is probably worth about 150 grand. But in the wrong part of the CIA secret prison network, it is not quite as desirable, particularly if you are more than 76 centimeters tall,

which most terror suspects statistically are. But also, if you're gonna interrogate someone, John, you do not want them to reply. Can you repeat the question, please? I'm inside a small box. Say it nice and slowly, the acoustics in here are awful. Besides John, your environment affects your behaviour. You lock someone in a coffin size box for a couple of weeks. You're not just going to be dealing with a suspect or terrorist,

you're not going to be dealing with a vampire. That's just making the situation worse. The report highlights a number of key findings, some of which are shocking, and some of which are nothing more than confirmation of what everyone sadly pretty much assumed. But you should know that reading the full text may make you legally culpable in torturing yourself as knowledge of what's contained may well inflict cruel and unusual punishment on the human soul.

The report finds that the enhanced irrigation techniques that the CIA use, which I think we can just call torture from now on, both for reasons of ease and accuracy, it found that they were not an effective way of acquiring intelligence or gaining cooperation from detainees. Also it found that interrogations of CIA detainees were brutal and far worse than the CIA represented two policymakers and others. It also found the CIA's operation of the program complicated and in some cases impeded

the National Security Missions of other executive branch agencies. So it was essentially ineffective at the one thing it was supposed to do and impeded the work of other agencies in which case it was literally worse than nothing. And as for how many people were caught up in this nauseating net, that's a little hard to say, because the reports also found that the CIA's claims about the number of detainees held and subjected to it in heart-sitteringation techniques were inaccurate.

Look, as reviews go, Andy, this report is a one-star review. But in this way, if the CIA was a restaurant on Yelp, they would not have many reservations for dinner tomorrow night. one star review. But in this way, if the CIA was a restaurant on Yelp, they would not have many reservations for dinner tomorrow night. But as you say, it's the details of the report where the real horror is. It's not just coffin shaped boxes at one point the CIA claim

that they subjected detainees to sleep deprivation for no longer than 180 hours, seemingly not realising that 180 hours is a f*** of a long time, Andy. That's been kept to wake for over a week. Claiming that that's a good thing is like putting up a sign in a factory saying no major industrial accident for 11 days. So that means there was a huge accident here last Wednesday then. I don't think that sign is quite as reassuring as you seem to think it is. Other techniques used include the attention grasp, which I think is just a basic advertising technique, isn't it?

20% off my lifetime incarceration if I tell all that, is attempting to offer. Walling, we all love a bit of DIY, the facial hold that John shows the influence of WWE wrestling, frankly, not just moves like the facial hold and the stress position, but also goes right down to the obviously inauthentic and contrived results. The facial slap, what I mean, is this some kind of makeup thing? A bit of slap, I'd imagine a hard line, Islamist hates having excessive makeup put on against his will.

Wall standing, that's a lovely little village in Gloucestershire, cramped confinement and sleep deprivation, basically just like having a baby. And insects placed in a confinement box, which I believe is a cryptic crossword clue for which the answer is totally unacceptable. I think I'm not sure, I think it might be, I'm not sure, boxed me an underground.

So is that, so in one of those coffin shaped boxes, you could plausibly find yourself inside, say, and listen, I'm in a pretty bad spot here, but I guess at least there's no spider in here. Wait, they're opening the lid, are they letting me out? Oh, fuck. Ah. You know, it was kind of of what, I guess the CIA in that offense would describe as aggressive quizzing with a touch of physical banter.

But it appears that this has now been decided that this has gone beyond boys, will be boys type rough housing. The report also referred not just a waterboarding, but also to rectal hydration and rectal feeding, which unfortunately is exactly what it sounds like. There's an example in the report where a detainee was fed a meal through his rectum, a meal which, incidentally, included hummus, pasta with sauce, nuts and raisins. I don't know why that makes it worse, Andy, but somehow it definitely does.

Yeah, without the nuts. And maybe, but the nuts are a definite issue. And where this constitutes torture is that the rectal feedings were not medically necessary. In fact, Tim Dickinson in Rolling Stone says rectal hydration without evidence of medical necessity essentially was sexual assaults plus water, which makes sense because you would not be happy if you went to a fancy restaurant

ordered a fine meal, only to have your way to say, oh, excellent choice, sir. Now try to a fancy restaurant ordered a fine meal, only to have your way to say, oh excellent choice, sir. Now try to relax before shoving a tube up your rectum and gesturing to the chef to bring a funnel over screaming, I'm just trying to keep this country safe as you desperately attempt a signal

that you don't want any bread rolls. Thank you very much. Well, of course, rectal feeding, not only a relief picture for the Sacramento scrotals in 1940s Major League Baseball, but in fact, well, I mean, it has been, it is an option, John, at a top-line restaurant, Racken Ruin, the enhanced interrogation themed restaurant in Langley, opened in 2002 by Triple Celebrity Chef, Scloot and Malvein, where the signature dish is probes of Torchellini,

stuffed with squid ink quesitions, forced thrust into a guilt drenched in testina of major beef. Flust with a chicken, consomeneimer, finalized with an un-immused bush of vanilla confessions. Also rectal hydration, I mean that sounds bad, I mean that is the last place you want a mythical beast that keeps growing extra heads. Also known as proctor clices. And proctor clices was of course in Lyndon B. Johnson's cabinet secretary of state for shouting at foreign countries I think. The details go on in November 2002, a detainee called Gul Rahman was chained to a concrete floor whilst partially nude. He then froze to death. And if that wasn't bad enough, which it demonstrably is, he froze to death due to mistaken identity. And action and yes, that's probably shouldn't laugh at that. That's right. That does seem like a significant procedural glitch.

Yeah, well, and from that procedural glitch, Andy, it's in Joseph Point out, that was an action and a mistake, which the CIA ruthlessly punished by taking absolutely no disciplinary action against the office of supervising the facility whatsoever, meaning they took pretty much the opposite scale of action against a guilty man that they did a completely innocent one. And finally, the CIA detained an innocent man who was mentally ill, knowing he was innocent, and held him as leverage against one of his family members. It's pretty fucking bleak, this report, Andy. And as you mentioned, Dick Cheney has shown the same respect for this report that he showed in office for America's human rights record,

which sure wasn't impeccable at the time, but looked even less impeccable after we've taken an eight-year shit on it. He called the report deeply flawed and full of crap, which sounds like he could be quoting as I'm psychological evaluation rather than the report. And in one of the saddest reactions, President George W. Bush, a name that's been really nice

not to say for a long time, said that he explicitly told people not to reveal to him the location of the CIA black sites as he felt he might accidentally reveal them. And the tragic thing about that is he was probably right. And I think he would have been entirely consistent from to be showing a journalist or someone around the Oval Office saying, well, this is the room where I have to keep the fact that we have to see our black sights in Romania and my head and not let it into anyone else's heads. Oh, please don't tell Dickie's gonna be so mad with me.

Well, with hindsight, using torch techniques when you are fighting a supposedly moral war, does look more off-beat than a 1980s British gymnast. With hindsight, as indeed it, of course, looked with four sights, or as I believe Dick Choney calls it preemptive hindsight. And to lose, I'm not sure we lost the moral high ground as a result of this. I think we probably still do still have the moral high ground over al-Qaeda, but in terms of moral high ground, this is now like the

Titanic claiming to have the physical high ground over another shipwreck, which is at the bottom of the Marianas trench. A, it's nothing to write home about. B, it should have been easily avoided and should never have found itself in this position. And C, people will almost certainly make films about it. The current CIA director, John Brennan, hit back at the report as well,

arguing that the CIA's methods prevented terror attacks and saved lives. And those are two things that everyone loves. And the preventing terror attacks and saving lives is basically, it's like peanut butter and ice cream. If you don't like them, you're a complete asshole. What, as you can imagine,

that you're a fucking liar, you're liar. Are those not in isolation or separately or separately. Okay. Separately, although you know, you add a little peanut butter to John U has been in America far too long. At least you didn't go with jelly. What's the problem with pink? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. It is that's what I'm saying, Chris. Seriously nice. And you're the one who's not on message here. Right. And the point is, I do a good's not on message here. Right. And the point is, Andy, don't help him to be tried it. Right. Good. Don't knock it until he prevented the terror attack and save someone's life.

Yeah. That's it. Well, that's hypocritical view. Have you ever tortured attempts to torture a confession out of someone, John? History will be my judge. We don't know. That's the whole point of what John Brennan is saying, Andy. We don't, we can't know for sure yet whether I've saved lives and prevented terror attacks. Because the problem is that there is absolutely no evidence that the CIA's torture methods prevented any terror attacks or saved any lives quite the opposite, in fact. So Brennan is either lying or he's withholding information.

And if he's withholding information, unfortunately we can't torture him to break down his resistance, because this report makes painfully clear that doesn't fucking work. Because the report itself states that at no time did the CIA's coercive interrogation techniques lead to the collection of imminent threat intelligence such as the hypothetical ticking time bomb. And this is a five and a half year investigation

trawling through six million pages of documents. So Brennan's next tactic was to argue that it is unknowable if the agencies in Harvard's irrigation techniques actually help prevent any terrorist attacks. I mean, sure, that conceivably might be true Andy, just as it's unknowable whether Germany winning the World Cup this year prevented a second Holocaust. It's unlikely in the face of overwhelming evidence against it,

but I guess it's technically unknowable all the same. It's unknowable whether Mechentrainers all about that base, about that base, about that base, no treble. It's unknowable whether that song single-handedly averted the greatest terror attack of all time later this year, due to it being so catchy. But let's hold off on awarding other Nobel Peace Prize until we have a little more in the way of evidence.

Well I guess Cheney and Anne Brennan rejected these criticism. It is roughly equivalent to the recent case of FIFA finding themselves not guilty of corruption, nor tobacco companies discovering that lung cancer is actually good for you and that emphsema makes you 66% sexier. Or perhaps even secretariat, flatly denying that he was a fast horse or the queen declaring that she's never ever worn an overflashy hat. Here's an interesting quote from Choney. He said this, we got to talk about Khaled Sheikh Muhammad who was formerly the number three ranked baddie in the whole of El-Kaeda, which I think means he was ceded to meet Bin Laden in the semi-final. But we've got Caled Shake Muhammad, who's mastermind of 9-11, and he's in our possession. We know who's the architect. What are we supposed to do?

Kiss him on both cheeks and say, please tell us what you know. Of course not. But surely, that had to be worth a go. If nothing else, just to confuse the lad. I don't like Caledric Muhammad at all. He's not my kind of guy. But a little peck on both cheeks. Who knows what he would say? Brennan's final and perhaps most desperate grass for the moral high ground, the kind of desperate grass that hypothetically a restrained detainee might try to make while water was being poured into his up-turned-nose, let's say, you know, a desperate tragically futile grasp. A brand-news final grasp was saying, look, we did a lot of things right. And that, in a very real sense, Andy, is not the f***ing point.

Because Charles Manson could say, hey, yeah, look, yes, I've conspired to commit several brutal murders and I shouldn't have done that. But let's not dismiss the fact that I made several outstanding omelets in my lifetime. Feta cheese, diced peppers, panchetta, let the record show that I also know how to treat an egg, okay? What, how can you possibly buy my entire body of work? They're putting pepper in an omelet.

Oh, it's just, it's just, it's just too strong a flavor, Manson. Too strong. A President Obama, who himself had admitted that some methods amounted to torture, said that he hoped the publication of the report, the publication, which he himself thought, would help us leave these techniques where they belong in the past.

But the problem with that level of comfort in that sentence is that the past he's referring to is not the 1800s, it's just eight years ago. So it might need a little more attention than he's willing to give it. And unsurprisingly, the global reaction has not been overjoyed to this report, although many countries need to be very careful about how they choose to talk about this. Because let's be clear, there are a lot more countries than just America implicated in this report. It's estimated that when you include nations that allow their conditions to land and take off in their countries, more than a quarter of the world's countries assisted the CIA

in running its torture program. So that's a lot of people with blood, tears, sweat, urine, and dead bodies on their hands. Even countries who are no strangers themselves to, let's say, tooting on the torture trombone have been getting involved in reacting. China's state-run Genoa news agency stated, perhaps the US government should clean up its own backyard first and respect the rights of other countries to resolve their issues by themselves. America is neither a suitable role model nor a qualified judge on human rights issues

in other countries, including China. And look, that's a tough pill to take from China and their particular human rights record Andy, but that's the problem. Due to the contents of this report, it's a pill that the US is going to have to hold its nose and just swallow. In Russia, their state-run channel 1TV featured a reporter saying the Senate report makes people shudder and prove that detainees were tortured with an inquisitors ingeniousness. And from a Russian state-run agency, Andy, that almost sounds like a compliment.

That sounds very much like a compliment. Listen guys, we have to try harder. The truly incredible thing is how close all of this came to being a non-issue, because the report also revealed that CIA officials considered closely taking a very different path, specifically a system under which detainees would have at the same rights as people held in federal or military prisons inside the US with facilities like any standard supermax prison here. And critically, any interrogations would have to be conducted in accordance with the United States Army Field Manual, which explicitly prohibits coerced painful questioning. So what happened to that

reasonable plan? And, well, unfortunately, it appears that Donald Rumsfeld happened to that plan. And he is like a decapitated rat baked into a loaf of bread. He's a very unwelcome addition. The former CIA general counsel, John Rousseau. I love him, John Rousseau. I research when into that line as well, to be fair to you. The former CIA general counsel of John Rissur, recalled in an interview that Rumsfeld took military bases off the table,

so we started looking around at what became the black sites. We brainstormed, do we put them on ships? We considered a deserted island. It was born out of necessity. It wasn't some diabolical plot. But look, that's the thing about diabolical plot Andy. They never seem like diabolical plots to the people who are diabolically plotting them at the time.

I'm sure that someone working on the Death Star once said, look, let's be clear. Darth Vader's negotiations with Alderan were taken off the table. So we brainstormed and we eventually landed on destroying it and everyone living on it with a super laser It was born out of necessity. It wasn't some diabolical plot And it wasn't like this is a really sad thing. It wasn't like the CIA did not have personnel options too They already had a group of experts that specialized in techniques designed to build a rapport with detainees They were interviewing.

Apparently, an interview's known as fireside chats. They extracted information. Yes. Yes. Let's put it in a very, very different light. He was trying to interrogate the American people. Exactly. They extracted information and determined whether it was reliable.

A previous CIA experts believed that any coercive interrogation led to unreliable information. And even if that wasn't true, which it clearly is, seduction is a much more impressive skill. It's like kissing on the face, Andy. Beating a confession out of someone is such a cliche, seducing it out of them. Is a counterterrorism technique, no one would see coming. Just an interrogator walking into a room, dimming the lights,

lighting a couple of candles, playing some soft music, and bringing out some chocolate-covered strawberries, maybe throwing in a shoulder rub, just to ease that information out of them. Just ease it out, Andy. Well, that's an interesting point, John, because as you said, I mean, morally and ethically, do we

have a leg to stand on? Yes, but that leg is made of ice and we are standing on an erupting volcano. But I guess the only crumb of comfort would be to see defined a system that works for the future. Now, I ran a test on torture to see if it works. It was quite a complicated. I had myself hypnotised, to convince I was it involved in a major terrorist organisation and then rang up the British Secret Services and shot myself and had myself subjected to two very different forms of interrogation and let's just see how they went.

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Come on, shit, it's Bill of f**king beans! Ow! Ow! Ow! I'm putting them out! I don't want to go in the box! I'm not enjoying this! Ah, ah, yes!

I admit it was me, that was me on the grassy knoll. You'll find the gunpowder stored in the room underneath the house of lords, it's going back in early November, I'm not sure exactly what... Ah, okay, the fit! Ah, 16.05! Yes, ah, ah, ah! I also know which one Jesus is. Is the good looking lab with a beard? I'll give him a smootch so you can add a pick him out. Ah, that's correct. Ah, Normandy, it's going to be Normandy.

So that clearly got some results using the American Torchty. Yeah, but not necessarily the most reliable results. Now let's compare that with, as you say, this rather less aggressive form of questioning. Hello Mrs. Oldsmann. Hello. Thank you for coming and to see us here today at... We did it! Do take a seat in the comfort chair, cup of tea.

Oh, yes please. There you go, strong with milk, we know you like it that way. How do you know that? Don't you worry about that Mrs. Oldsmann. I am agent. We did it! This is agent. This is agent. It will give you a nice relaxing neck massage while the chat.

Oh, thanks very much. May I just say you're looking absolutely lovely today Mrs. Altsman, the R-Engineer overalls really brings out your eyes. Have you been working out? No. Don't be modest, you're absolutely ripped. Mozzarella help yourself. Oh, thanks very much agent.

We're agent. Please call me. We're agent. Right, you can absolutely ripped. Mozzarella, help yourself. Oh, thanks very much, agent. Please call me. Right, you can't feel. Yeah, absolutely feeling great. Thanks. Oh, good. I just got a couple of questions for you, Mr Zoltzmann. Far away. Sorry, almost forgot. Please tell us what you know. Right. What do I know? Well, I know that the early 20th century England cricket has Sydney Barnes still has the best record and test match cricket for any Boller who's played one. That's not quite what we're looking for Mr. Zoltz. Sorry, tell me, Mr. Zoltz. Have you ever been involved in plotting the downfall of the West through a terrorist network of Sleepers Hills co-voly located in secret pockets around the world? And if so, could you tell us the names and addresses of those involved? Yes, absolutely I have. The main guy you want to get your hands on is Who's based on a cave complex in... Redacted!

Oh, is that the one just outside? Redacted! Yes, that's the one. Anyway, those guys are currently planning to seize power and... Redacted! Mm-hmm. Then you've got... Redacted!

Redacted! And of course... Redacted! Owl! Redacted! are must amending a... Sorry, can you share that again, Mrs. Altsman? I was distracted by your hair. It's lovely. What do you use in it? Thanks, but can I please finish telling you about the terroplos? Sorry, of course, I'm all this and recording devices.

See, there you go. It's you know a little bit of manners goes a long way when you're investigating potential terror attacks and I guess the most insane conclusion of all of this is to do with who was hired To be the architects of this entire mess because it turned out as the Well, I think the two guys in the Muppets was it? Well, I think the two guys in the Muppets may actually have been slightly more qualified to do it because the two people involved were two contract psychologists James Mitchell and Bruce Jessam, their names have later been revealed by the media. The centre report revealed that and I quote, neither psychologist had any experience as an interrogator, nor did either have specialized knowledge of al-Qaeda, a background encounter terrorism, or any relevant cultural or linguistic expertise." Sold! Sold, Andy, that must have been one hell of an interview process.

Oh, why should we give you the job? I don't know, really. We have no relevant experience to qualifies us for it. I like your honesty. You're hired! Some, some, some people crack it first time, John. Neil Armstrong, for example, is only previous flying experiences when he had to dress up like a tarot dactyl for a school in the tiffety plane,

flap around trying to eat the baby Jesus. That's partially true. That's partially true. To be more, to be more specific, Dr Mitchell joined the Air Force in 1974, specialising in bomb disarmament before earning a doctorate in psychology, focusing on diet, exercise and hypertension, only the last of which could even be tangentially relevant to a detainee interrogation because diet and exercise don't seem to be too particular priorities for in my tick-quantanamo, for instance. What exercises can you do when you're in a 53 by 76

by 76 cent per meter box? I don't know, I guess, cagle exercises. I don't, did he come out of that box saying, I have been working on my pelvic floor like you would not believe. This is I am ripped. I have prison abs inside me. He's a Dr. Jessen, meanwhile,

and a doctorate focusing on family sculpting. That was his doctorate, and yet their company was ultimately paid $81 million to design a new approach for the CIA to use regarding detention and interrogation. And just in case you think there might be any legal action taken against them, obviously you're wrong, you have too much hope in your heart for that. Because in 2007 Mitchell, Jesson and Associates

hired a law firm and built the CIA more than $1 million in legal expenses through 2012. And in fact, under the CIA's current contract with the company, they are obliged to pay any legal expenses for them until 2021. The whole story, Andy, is pretty awful. Is it not all covered by some obscure clause in the US Constitution? I think we have to hope that if you rub something away in the Constitution, there's something sprawled in there saying that, all right, it's fine. You just read it backwards in an Iraqi accent, it's fine.

Yeah, I think we need Nicholas Cage to steal this constitution, squiggle a few things on it, and then replace it without anyone noticing. Okay. Well, that concludes this week's happy, happy, pukele. Can we call it a Christmas special? Why not? Uh, well, you can call it the opposite of one. The gift of a gift of a... You can call it a Christmas special? Why not? Well, you can call it the opposite of one.

The gift of a coffee. In call it a coffee. Yeah, a Mike Lee Christmas special. So we hope you've enjoyed that. If enjoy is an opposite word. A quick apology to some people who have had problems with the bugle Christmas jumper. It has unexpectedly sold out and

unexpectedly The merchandise company has not been quite as efficient as it might be to Legislating for that Unexpected eventuality so I'm very sorry if you tried to get one and couldn't and But I guess next year's Christmas jumper will know to make at least a hundred thousand of them. So it's always really sure when a company doesn't plan for success, Andy. It's a solid. Well, I mean, they just see the ultimate name involved, and they know what's involved.

It's like making two iPods. People are going to like this. Do keep your emails coming into info at thebugelpodcast.com. That does also mean we've had some spectacular entries for the My Country Tazardic competition. That will definitely be done next week. Do keep your emails coming in. They will close on Tuesday night if you do have any further submissions for that competition. Don't forget to check out our SoundCloud page, SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen bugle you

are entitled to give all our back episodes there to loved ones as a Christmas gift. That's on us, that is on the house. Sorry on SoundCloud. And our webpage, the buglepodcast.com has the merch that hasn't sold out which I believe is probably all the other merch possibly excluding the Eulogy mark which is enduringly popular and not to be used around children as I discovered recently I'm out of to say what is a f***ing urology? that's Daddy's special mark God I learn, God I learn

thank you for listening to Buglers until next week. Goodbye. Flushed with a chicken consomemina. Sorry, I don't know. Flushed with a chicken consomemina. Sorry, that's very hard word to say. Flushed with a chicken consommeman and it ... FOLLOWX! Flushed with a chicken consommeman. No.